Casual sex, Harems & Narcissist…
I’ve noticed a pattern. History does repeat itself, it does so subliminally and in alternate forms. Nonetheless, things often stay the same and never really change. It’s like the theory in physics that nothing ever truly dies it simply transforms into something else.
The modern day harem is no longer a cave full of half naked women performing orgies that belong to a rich gent on a Greek Island mimicking a scene in the Game of Thrones, it has transformed into an anonymous group of ladies who engage in casual sex willingly or unknowingly with a man who remains uncommitted and unavailable.
Don’t worry about the player, he has retired from that occupation and has taken a completely new role.
His new role is more assertive, audacious and feeds his ego to no end. He is now a hoarder, the new ruler of the modern day Harem. If you’re engaging in his weekly or monthly calls to tap that ass without strings attached, you are one of those possessions he will keep on his contact list.
That is, along with every woman he has ever shagged, one night stands, baby mama’s, ex-wives, women he slept with while traveling, all his ex-girlfriends, gal pals that turned into friends with benefits and the girls he plans on shagging soon. Pretty much every girl that still accepts the arrangement.
Of course, the women who are members of the Harem don’t believe they are in a Harem at all.
They believe they are his ride or die chick, the guy that they will eventually be with when X,Y or Z happens. The guy they are just fucking until they finish their Master’s degree and actually have time to date a quality man, the guy they call when their boyfriend is acting up and they seek revenge. The anecdote to their off and on again relationships.
He’s often referred to as the filler guy. He fills in gaps but never will assume any defined role.
The Hoarder, AKA Harem ruler is also very kind and charming. He is a listener, he will applaud your accomplishments, he won’t raise his voice or his fist. He doesn’t want to lose a member of his prized group.
He will give you just enough attention to spark a speck of hope that he actually cares about you, but never enough attention to truly satisfy you.
So you keep him in your life knowing he really isn’t there right now but with the hope that he could be possibly in the future. After all, he is a nice guy, right? Not really.
He warns you about his problem with women who have expectations so that he can train you not to have any with him.
It’s really an art, his duplicity and creepy honesty. He uses phrases like “Let’s go with the flow,” although not in an awakened or enlightened way, but in a let me do as I may with you, without your say, type of way!
If you were once actively pursuing the busy harem hoarder you will notice he has very limited time and ample excuses. All talk to keep you riding on some hope, barely delivering and full of excuses.
If you met the harem hoarder on a romantic note, possibly to date and get to know him scenario eventually he will give you one of his infamous excuses as to why he cannot commit to a relationship or anything “too serious” at the time.
It’s quite insidious how he recruits you as a member so you need to be aware of the warning signs.
No worries, ladies, I got you! I have compiled a list of all the warning signs that you may unknowingly be a member of a modern day harem.
- He is so comfortable with you, it makes you feel special. He is so comfortable with telling you anything, in fact, he tells you about other women he sleeps with. Their personalities, what they do for a living, why it’s working or doesn’t work.
- You see him whenever he sends you that text, “free tonight.” It’s always spontaneous, rarely planned and the date ends in sex.
- When you want to see him, even if it’s just for the simple fact that your horny and want some D… he is never available. Everything is on his terms. Although he will text you the next day saying “Hey!” Knowing there are no expectations so you DARE not question him!
- If you do not respond to him when he needs sex or if your not available to stoke his ego when he demands, he will hold that against you! When you contact him again he will ensure you are aware that this is a game of tit for tat. You will never get one over on him. He won’t verbalize this, he’s adhering to the no expectation rules, but he will show you with his actions.
- He sends cute text, emoji’s blowing kisses, vague statements that keep you hooked and guessing on a regular but random basis. Everything is vague with him. He usually texts or says, “Maybe we can do that soon,” “Wish you were here,” We should go on a trip soon.” All vague, empty suggestions that make you feel less like a girlfriend but more than a booty call. It’s a weird space to be in. You’re caught in between the two extremes of not being his girlfriend but also not being a booty call. Welcome to the Harem!
- You spend the night after sex or he spends the night at your place. He holds you afterward. You open up to each other about things. It feels special. But it really isn’t. This is how he keeps you as a member of the harem. You never treated as a booty call, he likes to be deceptive with you. He likes to actually experience intimacy with you. This is why he will randomly invite you on dates, not just invite you over after midnight. He likes to keep you guessing! So he sends mixed signals constantly.
DISCLAIMER: A booty call and a harem girl is two totally different entities. A booty call is an agreement between 2 adults with clear boundaries. There is no spending the night, no breakfast at Tiffany’s the day after, no opening up about other sexual conquest or past relationships. Just wham, bam thank you, mam, until the next time I text you at 2 am after the club. Usually, a booty call will not leave you hoping or confused. It is really all just about sex!
- Harem girls have a minuscule amount of hope something may change and a relationship may develop. They also believe they are somehow “Special” to the Harem Hoarder.
- If you’re a woman not looking for a serious relationship and you engage in sex once or twice every 2 weeks with the same person, that person is a harem hoarder and you are a member. You know you’re not the only one he is shagging and your fine with that in a sick way because you just don’t want anything serious and you know he will never be serious and you have protected sex. This could be a win-win until you realize you’re on a tight schedule with 13 other women in the harem trying to get it in with the hoarder! You may realize you may need to find a more available piece of ass or resort to also starting your own harem with several different men. But that would be gross!
- He has a lot of past relationships to tell you about, but he never tells you how any of them end. That’s because the hoarder will never willingly end any of them! They will exist and linger in a place called limbo. The harem hoarders most familiar territory. If any of them end it is because the women got out the harem! He would never tell any of them to exit. Remember hoarders, hoard! There is no endings, ever! But lots of new beginnings.
- The harem hoarder is a narcissist. A Narcissist requires excessive amounts of attention and admiration. Consequently, he accumulates an assortment of people to be at his disposal when he needs them. His contact list is extensive yet you will never hear his phone buzz or ring. It’s always on silent, never really in sight and you’re so enthralled in his charms his phone is the last thing on your mind when you’re with him. But geesh! If you ever got a hold of it, you’d be entertained for hours on in.
- 99% of your encounters with him involve alcohol.
- Everything is on his terms. Period, the end, dot com. Either you oblige or bah-bye!
- He’s weird. He is too ambiguous. He appears to be confused, never really clear. He says odd things, yet somehow he thinks it’s cute and it will keep you guessing. But it’s creepy, mind boggling and a borderline sociopath.
- You spend at least an hour once a week over the phone with one of your girlfriends trying to figure out his odd behavior or decode one of his recent weird and oddball text messages he sent you that don’t make any logical sense.
- He has either an open issue with his mother stemming from his childhood, or an unresolved issue he is unwilling to let surface regarding his mother during his childhood. She more than likely was abusive to him or simply not there. So he hoards women because the fear of losing them stings like the memories of his mother and his childhood. Pray for him!
Do not beat yourself up if you just discovered you are a member of a harem. It happens to the best of us. It is your choice to leave the harem for good or stay and linger in nothingness with the narcissist and the rest of his sugar coated hoes. I hope you make the best decision In making that decision, acknowledge your responsibility in the involvement in the harem.
Is this a pattern for you? Are you constantly dating and only attracted to unavailable men? This just means that you are also unavailable, afraid of vulnerability and that you prefer not to get too close to protect yourself as well.
Are you unhappy with your life and therefore reluctant to give fully of yourself?
If you are comfortable receiving crumbs, more than likely that is all your comfortable with giving. If you don’t give fully, you will not receive fully. This is a law of nature.
Take the necessary time to identify and acknowledge your part in this equation, and do what is necessary to heal yourself so you attract higher quality relationships.
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By Janell Hihi