As promised, I present to you another chapter from my anticpated book, “Relationship Reform & The State of our Unions.”
I am very fortunate to have received an abundance of messages from both men and women regarding their personal struggle with compromise both on the dating scene and in relationships.
Compromise basically means meeting in the middle. I believe, where most women get it wrong is believing compromise is completely giving in to the “others” request while completing abandoning their own desires.
Where does abandoning your own desires lead? To the road of resentment. Resentment Avenue is unpaved and full of dirt and potholes.
So how do you avoid resentment and meet in the middle? You both get partially what you want. Example, you have a date and you have to endure an event of wrestle mania, a sport which you hate and your prospective man to be loves. You go with an open mind and be their to support his hobby.
However, right after the event he is willing to go to your favorite sushi spot although he hates seafood and he thinks the chicken is really dog meat. In addition, your overly chatty girlfriend and her over the top metrosexual boyfriend is meeting you there.
Even though the two of your are just dating and not official, he is showing you without argument he understands true compromise and this is a testament of things to come.
What is bad compromise?
It’s movie night. Your date proposes an action thriller and you really want to go see the new Kevin Hart flick, you love comedy. You go see the action flick this weekend because next week he promises to go see Kevin Hart.
Next week rolls around and he suggest you go with a girlfriend to see Kevin Hart, he is not interested.
As miniscule as the scenarios appear to be, they are very telling of things to come. The appeaser will appear to compromise but will not deliver. His interests will trump yours. There is no meeting in the middle. He doesn’t know where the middle is and this is especially true in the bedroom where his aim is simply to “get off.”
A sure sign of an unbalanced person is someone who feels obessively passionate about having things “Their way,” if they give into ANY thing you want it is as if your taking something from them.
How do people become this way? Typically in past relationships they were unbalanced as well but in the opposite way. They made bad relationship choices, gave way too much to make the relationship work and their sacrafice was too spendy so they are now stuck in victim mode and they have a deficit.
They believe they must take and take from others to fill that deficit without giving anything in return. Afterall the world owes them something because they chose unstable partners in the past.
They feel cheated and you are the perfect unsuspecting person they intend to unleash their fury on. Run!
Inability to compromise is a domino effect. It seeps into every area of your relationship and interaction with that person who uses you as a utility of their pleasure. End result is you sacraficing yourself at the alter with zero return on investment.
Inability to compromise equals unsustainable relationship. Just like booty calls and casual sex partners… It’s the beginning of an inevitable ending.
Eventually you will start seeking someone who understands the concept of equality and understands your interest is just as important as their own.
So the next time you are debating between going to yoga or cancelling it to see a dude, think twice. This is a sacrifice not a compromise. Stick to your hobbies and your routine until you meet that person who doesn’t desire to thwart you from your path.
Love, light and honor thyself
By Janell Hihi