It’s going to be a beautiful day today. Not just because the sun is shining and I will get a taste of Spring weather, but moreso because I am present! I am only concerned with today, only concerned with giving whom I am with my full attention. This being said, I believe in the power of the present moment and I sincerely believe that the past should absolutely NEVER be rehashed.
In terms of my upcoming book, Relationship Reform, I think that divulging every detail of your past relationship with your current lover or even with really good friends is very toxic. In fact, it is a toxin once released that more than likely will never die. I know that this may sound unconventional, but mostly everything I write is… your significant other knowing every little detail about everything you have ever been through is not a testament of how close you are nor does it validate the strength of your relationship.
Your love is not your therapist. They didn’t sign up for that. They want to love you. That is all.
Rehashing every detail of your past is not required and it is not with-holding, with holding vital information is something very different. Think about your mental health status if you really feel it’s necessary to tell anyone an entire conversation you and an ex had 3 years ago.
Focus on rehashing the lessons you learned from your past, do not focus on rehashing ANY negativity from it. Your past ugly details revealed, opens up Pandora’s box.”
Once the details of your past are released they stay in your present. You will have arguments and the toxin of the past will keep coming up. Everything you do and say will now be compared to the story you told about your past and eventually your past will keep resurfacing until it destroys your bond. Classic example of how your past being shared is used against you in an argument;
“I am not your ex, I will not hurt you. Just because he cheated doesn’t mean all men cheat.”
Your past is an excellent excuse a manipulative person can use to divert your attention from his mistakes back to your past, allowing him to avoid responsibility. This is done incessantly in regards to intimate relationships and it continues because you share too much garbage. Your struggles were your own, you learned and you grew from them. There is a part of your journey that should remain sacred, just between you and God.
Instead of telling your new lover your ex Johnny said you were fat and he settled, tell your new lover, “Our relationship was not healthy and we decided to go our separate ways.” No one, and I mean no one but your therapist and God need to know verbatim every conversation or bad thing your ex did to hurt you. Trust, all of that will be used as ammo against you in future discussions consciously or subconsciously. The ugly details of your past will stir up suspicion and resentment to those who have to listen to it.
When talking about the past keep it general, state in one sentence what you learned instead of what you hated about it then change the subject back to the present moment. The only thing that matters is who you are today.” Janell Hihi
I will discuss more regarding rehashing the past in my upcoming book but think about the ill will you create, the negative energy from those details of the past that steal away from the present. You are NOT your past, stop resurrecting it, it is a fact it will steal away your peace. Also, the person you tell this information to you depending on where they are at mentally, will more than likely subconsciously begin to create judgements about you. They may not verbalize them but you opened up that dimension of the past inviting them in it and sooner or later it will be used against you!
This is human nature. We assess data and draw conclusions. If you want someone to love you for who you are today, don’t rehash the past, redirect the conversation to the present moment; somethings are better left unsaid and no longer need to be revisited.
by Janell Hihi
Copyright @ 2016