How to Defeat a Narcissist
Today, narcissist all over the world are being idolized and celebrated. Somehow, we’ve reached a new low where carelessness and cruelty is seen as superiority and brilliance. In our intimate relationships, the one who cares less is seen as the stronger and wiser party in the relationship. However, carelessness is not a strength.
“You are not a better or wiser person simply because you’ve ceased to care.”
― Clifford Cohen
The term narcissist is being overly used by people desperate to find closure in a relationship that didn’t work out and quite frankly was not meant to be.
The goal of this blog is to learn how to distinctively recognize a narcissist before you loosely throw around the term. Not everyone who has hurt you in a relationship is a narcissist.
In fact, we all have narcissistic tendencies. We’ve all hurt people unknowingly in the past and acknowledging that is very difficult to do.
“We are to give (and take) true love without falling into the narcissistic habit of only trying to take it in.”
― Criss Jami,
The very issues you see with a narcissist may be the very issues someone seen in you from your past, and that is typically the person who was head over heels in love with you but unfortunately you didn’t feel the same way about them. Unrequited love stirs emotions that people will find a way to justify by painting the guy that was just not that into us, as a villain.
At some point we were once the villain. The very fact that most people don’t acknowledge that is narcissistic in of itself.
In my upcoming book How to Defeat a Narcissist: 25 Ways to Shut Down Narcissistic Abuse, I discuss in great lengths, how narcissistic encounters should be navigated and how pivotal it is to be knowledgeable of narcissistic traits and characteristics on the dating scene.
Narcissist are known as the wolf in sheep clothing. He is an illusionist who comes into your life appearing as your knight in shining arm. He showers you with attention, affection, gifts, compliments and promises that will put your anxious heart at ease.
However, beneath the surface lurks a manipulative, sadistic, abusive coward. The unsuspecting victim of narcissistic abuse wants to be loved but the narcissist wants to be feared. Narcissist have no use for those he cannot control.
“Hate is the complement of fear and narcissists like being feared. It imbues them with an intoxicating sensation of omnipotence.”
― Sam Vaknin,
The first few weeks, or even months, of dating the narcissist is referred to as the love-bombing, honeymoon phase. His charm is unmatched and he will say or do no wrong. His love and kindness will let down the victims guard and the narcissist will use their vulnerability to abuse them later in the relationship.
A relationship with a narcissist is like a fairy tale with a heart breaking plot twist that doesn’t end well for the victim.
Prince charming turns into a vicious monster. The vibrant energy and positivity the narcissist gave you in the beginning of the relationship turns into confusion, mental and physical fatigue, shock, gas-lighting, mental abuse, emotional abuse, deflection and devaluation.
Narcissistic hook their victims by shocking them from the drastic difference in their behavior. One minute the narcissist puts the victim on a pedestal then they knock them off.
After the honeymoon phase, the devaluation stage slowly begins.
It’s never obvious. Narcissistic abuse is insidious, sarcastic and passive aggressive. The obvious first sign is the narcissist makes the victim feel insignificant and even crazy!
The narcissist goes from validating the victim to invalidating the victim. The victim becomes obsessed with the narcissist because they are stuck wondering why. Often, trapped in a cognitive dissonance desperately trying to justify the narcissist bizarre behavior.
“Invalidation is about dismissing your experiences, thoughts and above all your emotions. Indeed the intention is to not even allow you to have those thoughts, experiences and emotions. It‟s a way of invading your head and reprogramming it. It‟s psychological abuse (messing with your thoughts) and emotional abuse (messing with your feelings).”
― Danu Morrigan
How can you prevent the inevitable fall from grace? Be patient. Don’t fall hook, line and sinker for anyone during the honeymoon phase (first few months) of a relationship. Instead, allow the relationship to unfold. Only time reveals who people truly are and everyone shows the best version of themselves in the beginning.
We don’t know a person until we experience an argument or disagreement with them. A true testament of an individuals character is how they handle conflict. The narcissist avoids conflict in the honeymoon stage of a relationship to hide his true colors. Everything the narcissist does is strategically calculated.
On this particular blog, I want to give a general overview to address all the emails I have received from my readers who believe they are in relationships with a narcissist.
First of all, you cannot be in a relationship with a narcissist, it will never develop into an actual relationship. Even if you are married to them or just a casual girlfriend. You’re not actually in a relationship, despite the title. You are a slave to a slave master, a helpless civilian to a dictator, a peasant to a king.
Instead of a relationship, you are involved in a situation-ship with a narcissist. Since narcissist can’t experience real intimacy due to emotional blocks developed in childhood, fake love, is the only love you’ll receive.
Noticed I mentioned, “real intimacy.” Quite simply, narcissist can’t be taken seriously. At all! If you understand this law of human social interaction, you’ll know better than dealing with them on a serious, intimate level. You deal with a narcissist on their level, which is superficial, delusional and minuscule.
The purpose of the narcissist in your life: The narcissist will awaken your need to look within yourself and establish stronger boundaries. If you already have high self-esteem and strong boundaries, most narcissist won’t get past the 2nd date with you.
How to defeat a narcissist?
“Lies don’t end relationships the truth does.”
― Shannon L. Alder
The first step is understanding the narcissist’s moves. Narcissistic obsessively follow a set pattern of behaviors that can be learned so that you remain one step ahead of them. The pathology of narcissism starts at a very young age due to a dysfunctional childhood. Please read my article titled “Stealing Light: The Cycle of Narcissism” to get a better understanding as to why the narcissist behaves the way they do.
Beat the narcissist at his own game.
Narcissists need to feel significant. This is their addiction.
Unfortunately, for the narcissist to feel significant, they must make you feel insignificant. It is essential to learn the psychology of narcissism because understanding their behavior frees you from blaming yourself for how badly they treat you.
How a narcissist treats you has nothing to do with your worth as a person but more to do with their anger, hurt and pain buried deep within their psyche.
The perfect analogy to the relationship dynamic you would encounter from a narcissist is that of an ill-behaved child who suffers severe social personality disorders and an overly stressed out parent.
There will never be an adult-like mutual exchange of love and energy with this person. Their goal in dealing with you is NOT to love you, it is to lower your expectations, ignore your boundaries and reek havoc on you in an insidious, indirect manner like a poison killing you slowly.
Below is a list of the narcissistic tactics and how you should deal with them accordingly.
- The narcissist has a closed off energy. In their presence, you feel something is either hidden or missing with them. It’s just something seems off. Despite their meager attempts to sometimes open up, it seems superficial, like they’re on stage putting on a show. Usually getting them to open up at all is, well impossible.
An example: Everytime you asks a narcissist how they are doing, they are always doing great! They do not appear real in any way shape or form.
An Example: If you display emotion, they display logic. They reason everything you say. It feels like your consulting in a business meeting not sharing your feelings with an adult who can empathize.
A narcissist can’t display emotion. Unfortunately, most of them were forced to exercise emotional censorship as children and they are not aware of any alternative way of being. Emotional censorship is when a parent forces a child to never show anger or negative or positive emotion.
The parent teaches the child that it is not good to show emotion, and they can not share how they feel in their home environment. Being emotional is bad, it’s weak and unapproved by the emotionally abusive parent.
Eventually, the repression of the narcissist emotions will blow up in your face one day and become narcissistic rage! That is discussed more in my book.
Narcissist hate holidays and birthdays
It is hard for them to see people happy, although they appear to be happy on the outside, they are dying inside. They do not like receiving gifts because “it’s too intimate” and they do not like giving gifts at all, so you are more than likely to get a really lame ass gift if one at all from a covert narc.
I dated a covert narc once, invited him to my daughters birthday and he acted like an ass the entire duration of the party. He had a miserable look on his face, was very indifferent towards my daughter who was the birthday girl and actually had the audacity to pull me aside and say that I am not paying attention to him! He tried to fight with me at my daughter’s party. Needless to say, I left him shortly after.
Narcissist hate celebrations and holidays, they sulk and get very depressed during these times. Seeing people happy is so disturbing to them.” Janell Hihi
Narcs secretly enjoy funerals, evictions, layoffs and breakups when it is happening to other people.
Covert Narcissist will not commit. To anything. Trying to plan a date with a narc? He/or she will agree verbally but rebel in action! How dare you try to confine them, subject them to obligation? They will find a way out with their myriad of excuses but they will never tell you straight up they just don’t want to go.
Your hope is their fuel. Making a “plan” with you would make you feel too comfortable. The narcissist wants all control. They want you off guard, off balance, forever in an unknowing state and they will manipulate you into believing that it’s just spontaneity. No, it’s an indirect control tactic, my dear.
Your response should be: This has to make you laugh. Keep laughing at the delusional little freak, and never, under any circumstances ever take them seriously. Make plans with “adults” in your life, keep your life moving. Keep your life fabulous!
Do call them out on it. In fact, call them out on EVERYTHING they do wrong.
Narcs hate being called out. Point out in an emotionally healthy way (they secretly despise your ability to express emotion) that they are LIARS. That they can’t be trusted. That they are in fact deceitful and they do not know how to keep their word. Do not be moved from your position, show them your poor opinion of them is an unchanging belief.
Even if you’re like me and played with a narc in the past by mocking their behavior and flaking out on them on several occasion’s too, contradict yourself and act innocent calling them out on their dirty laundry while denying your own.
Most covert (non-aggressive) narcs will never, under any circumstances express an attitude with you verbally. However, the aggressive narcissist will, but that is another blog.
Unfortunately, there are varying degrees of narcissism. So far in my life, I have encountered covert non-aggressive and aggressive narcissist. If you have never death with a narcissist it is essential to be aware of the early signs you’re dating a narcissist. Check out my article “7 Early Signs You Are Dating a Narcissist.”
The covert, non-aggressive narcissist reactions are just through their actions. REMEMBER, THEY CANNOT EXPRESS EMOTION. Calling you out would be an emotional act. They’d much rather pretend they are unbothered by you and act unrealistically nonchalant despite how awful your blatant behavior was towards them.
Covert narcs keep you at bay, at a distance, they fear getting too close to you. Aggressive narcs are possessive and controlling, they don’t want you to have a life of your own.
A covert narc doesn’t want relationships, he/she wants an open stream of “no-string attached,” casual relationships with multiple people.” Janell Hihi
Esteemology.com could not have said it better regarding the narcissist and his harem of women he collects that he never intends to commit to.
Usually, these are women who were tired of his hot and cold bullshit and they ended it but he asked to be their “friend” and they allowed it. It’s really not ever as simple as a “friendship”, it usually includes some kind of benefits. And a way to make you suffer for any narcissistic injury you inflicted on them.
“Narcissists, in the same way, don’t like to throw away the people they’ve collected. Both are pathological, unhealthy and dysfunctional. A Narcissist will offer up a friendship after he has screwed you around for the 100th time, but what he’s really offering is a membership to his harem.
He will throw you crumbs of affection and he will spin tales, hinting of a possible future together. This harem membership allows him to pop in and out of your life, mess with your head and keep tabs on you, while at the same time it keeps you stuck and fixated on him. Harem Membership does have its privileges, but the privilege is all his.”
Read my article “Casual Sex & the Modern Day harem”
They are not upfront about just wanting sex because they are confused. They really want power over you.
They send mixed signals constantly. One minute they “may” want to pursue a relationship, the very next minute they aren’t even dating you. You’re just a fuck buddy friend type of convenience for them in the grand scheme of things. What you are to them changes depending on their moods and egoic needs.
Covert narcs thrive off of selling you a dream, that maybe one day they may see you as girlfriend material… oh and they will change their flakey behavior when that happens. They will suddenly treat you with respect, keep their promises, be loyal, be normal! Except that will never, ever happen. It’s all bullshit they feed you to keep you around so they can have you at their disposal.
Most narcissists have this weird smirk on their face that is unchanging despite what chaos is going on around them.
They stare at you with a blank and fake, psychotic half smile. Their facebook profile picture may look the same or similar, scan your friend’s list and brace yourself.
This picture below is the signature narcissistic Poker Face, it’s just creepy! This actor nailed it!
When you stand up to a narcissist, what should you expect from them in return?
You should expect the victim role. Narcissist wants your pity more than they want your respect. If they can get you to feel sorry for them, they can manipulate you to the fullest extent. Check out this blog I wrote How The Narcissist Creates an Army of Defenders by Playing the Victim Role
Standing up to a narcissist is when you openly refuse to believe the “False self” that they portray to you and the world. You refuse their false self by calling them out on it and TELLING them who they really are. It is as if you have “Exposed” them. Be prepared for insidious revenge, they will, in turn, want to destroy you.
The destruction is indirect, they want to manipulate, confuse and use you. They accomplish this by keeping you in a fog. That is why it is important to leave them for good once you stand up for yourself and refuse to believe their bullshit.
A narcissist is known to initiate the silent treatment for days or weeks on in after you assert your boundaries or even after they make a promise or a commitment they never intended to fulfill.
They also get you back by throwing another person in your face by bringing them around you a.k.a, triangularization, and standing you up or canceling a date at the very last minute. They mutter under their voice sarcastic or degrading comments about you in public and in private.
Telling you immature ridiculous things like “I’m mean to you because I like you.” You may believe for a moment your back in the 1st grade but no, they really mean it.
They are really mean to people in any kind of emotional entanglement with them in general. Everything they say is partially a truth and partially a lie. If there is a such thing, narcissist are the “Inbetween People.” Who are never clear about who they are or their true intentions.
It’s actually true that if a narcissist likes you, he/she will indeed treat you like shit! People that they don’t like or care for really get treated nicely. This is exactly why most people who are mutual friends with the narcissist will not believe you when you tell them the truth about this person’s sociopathic behavior.
Narcissist interchangeably insults you and compliments you.” Janell Hihi
They will insult you but they will also compliment you, confusing you even more, as they in one instant throw an underhanded insult at you and the other compliment you. They like to keep you in a fog. They like to use the term “In the gray” as justification. Don’t buy that bullshit, just another narc trying to cleverly and logically explain his anti-social behavior.
A Narcissist backlash is always done in an indirect manner, narcs say rude things about you or to you in a sarcastic manner to get a reaction out of you. Then have the audacity to say they were “just joking.”
Giving you the illusion that if you want to hang out with them you better toughen up, can’t be too sensitive because they like to “joke a lot” a.k.a insult you on the low.
An example of this from my experience with a narcissist is below:
I thought I was having a good conversation with a narc once until he switched it all up and said in a casual way, an insidious yet bold statement, that he had never met a girl as “Promiscuous” as me. When I checked him on the statement he made, he said he didn’t mean to use that word… I knew it was a passive aggressive attempt to insult me because promiscuity is not what I represent at all!
Narcs don’t do anything directly it is always disguised, indirect and insidious. You will feel it, that is if you care. Don’t care. Laugh. This is a joke, not even close to resembling anything that could ever be real and sustainable relationship or friendships.” Janell Hihi
Narcs hate titles. Boyfriend titles, husband titles, employee titles, anything that confines them to fit a certain role that heeds responsibility and makes them feel obligated. Even if they agree to a title, they NEVER live up to it.
Narcs will become husbands and boyfriends when “cornered” eventually but they will NOT act according to their titles. They will take upon the title to appease you but never change their ways. Your still nothing to them despite the rock on your finger. They will still maintain an eerie psychotic distance from you initiated by changing drastically as soon as you move in with them, get married, or become exclusive.
Ask a narcissist how they are doing and they always say “Great!” Even if they just left a funeral. They can’t keep it real in any sense of the word.
They are delusional in the sense that “Oh everything is fine.” All the damn time. Who do they think they are fooling? Everyone goes through shit and why are they so obsessed with maintaining this inhuman aura that THEY always have everything under control? They don’t accept that they are human and it’s ok to make mistakes.
The narc declares in his crazy little head, I am perfect, my MO is to be honest, straight forward and caring of others feelings. That is what he/she wants the world to perceive them as but the content does not match the label.
The narcissist is a scam. He/she is an e-coli virus that you need to RECALL from your life. Impose FDA regulations against the narcissist.” Janell Hihi
The Narcissist is a pretty shitty salesman. He sales his potential. He has no tangible, “working,” asset or product to sell you, just future promises. The narcissist is selling you a product that does not work now but will in the future… that is if YOU act right.
The product has several defects both cosmetically and eternally but he wants you to buy it because he promises it will “magically” work in the future and it will deliver heavenly like features you will be thankful you waited so long for it to work!
Doesn’t that sound delusional? Well, I hope you’re reading this and answering, “YES!”
Abandoning the Narcissist (Your best bet)When you abandon the narc he will come back and do one small good deed to reel you back in then immediately revert back to his bullshit ways. Saying one thing then doing another to no end. They are predictable, pattern driven people that are not that hard to figure out. They have rigid routines and typically are very easy to find.
They are passive aggressive by default, telling you what you want to hear and doing the direct opposite.” Janell Hihi
They feed you hope never delivering! Don’t buy what they are selling. You will never get it. It will always be marked as out for delivery but never land at your doorstep.
How to respond to the narc’s pattern of saying one thing and doing another… a.k.a passive aggressive pyscho bullshit?
Always reward behavior, never words. They get what they want ONLY when they DO what you want.” Janell Hihi
So how do you defeat a narcissist, it’s simple: NEVER PAY UPFRONT.
They won’t ever deliver and neither will you. It goes nowhere and nowhere is the perfect destination to strive for when dealing with a crazy asshole pretending to be normal.
Last but not least Narcissist will NOT leave you alone.
They will even tell you that. They say things that try to make you feel special like “I ain’t going nowhere.” And “I ain’t letting you go.” Well, you have made it so easy and convenient for them to get what they want they would be a fool to stop getting the free food.
Also, their inflated ego refuses to believe anyone would ever leave them. Narcissist are in denial, and that denial is what creates stalkers. SAD.
How to respond?
They have to be totally cut off. They can’t even be a friend or business associate! I usually threaten them with police involvement and harassment orders to get them to stop contacting me.
Even if they only call you once a week which is typical of a covert narc, which is usually to hoover or annoy you… Don’t allow their toxic energy into your space, at all, no matter how infrequent their contact is. The cut-off of the narcissist is eminent.” Janell Hihi
Again, no matter how far few and in between they contact you, they have to be cut off entirely having no access whatsoever. This is because they will try to sneak their way back in eventually.
For the narcissist to remain “casually” in your life is their best manipulation tactic to use against you.” Janell Hihi
This way they maintain complete control being able to contact you whenever it’s convenient for them, ignore you when they are busy without having to give you any explanation because you’re just “friends” casually be able to see you when it works for them, confuse you with mixed signals and keep you on the back burner with the rest of their string alongs.
Yes, allowing the narcissist to “casually” stay in your life without commitment is a trap.
They sell you pity saying things like, “Oh, so just because I am not ready for a relationship and I don’t want to date you, we can’t be friends?” The translation means, he wants to have you on his terms only, sex included. You must be very black and white with the narc. If they don’t want a relationship let them go, no friendship needed.
If you were in a relationship and you break up, do not let them stay in your life. When it’s over, it really has to be over. Severe all connections, you are not dealing with a normal person who really just wants to be your friend.”
It is, or it isn’t with a narcissist. Unfortunately, even when it is, it really isn’t so your screwed either way. Can you say “DEAD END?” That is the only direction you will be headed in when dealing with a narcissist.
Get the Police involved early.
Threatening police and harassment order involvement typically will scare the shit out of a covert narcissist and he should leave you alone but may inspire stalker-like behavior from an aggressive narcissist.
Also, keep in mind, the covert narcissist will lurk on social media using accounts with fake names just to re-experience the thrill of overstepping your boundaries.
They may even comment and say something incredibly narcissistic that gives away their identity. They find creative ways to overstep your boundaries. Most of them really never go away.
I told a narcissist my boundaries once, and he said, “Boundaries?!” He gave me a strange, empty look as if I just insulted him and then he proceeded to say, “I don’t do well with boundaries, that doesn’t work for me.”
If that wasn’t a red flag coming from the horse’s mouth itself! I knew at that point, my departure was inevitable but what scared me was the fact that people who don’t like boundaries usually won’t leave you easily.
They really DON”T believe you want nothing to do with them, I can’t reiterate this point enough! You will often hear yourself saying to friends and family, “I told him I want nothing to do with him and not to contact me again, yet he acts as though I never said it!”
Narcissist really don’t get it! They can’t believe ANYONE would want to have NOTHING to do with them because of their grandiose, egotistical, unrealistic view of themselves.
They believe you’re just mad now and in a few days or weeks or months you will forget about the whole ordeal and let them back into your life… This is why they will wait a few weeks and send you a text or Facebook message saying “Hope all is well.” They do not know how to FUCK OFF.
Remain consistent with No Contact and contact law enforcement to help you if needed.
A typical interaction with a narcissist is as follows:
The normal person asking the narc to stay away from him/her:
“I don’t want to see you anymore, not even as a friend. You are a hurtful person. Do not contact me again.”
The Narcissist reaction:
“Oh okay, well take care.”
Then 6 days later the narcissist sends you the following text message:
“Hey, u free to grab a drink tonight?”
It is the narcissist telling you in so many ways, “Your boundaries don’t mean shit to me, I will come and go as I please. I am not listening to you. I get what I want.” It’s really creepy and abusive.
However, once they really get the point they will walk away, you were nothing but an object to them anyways and they always have someone else in line to get narcissistic supply from.
Unfortunately, many women have weak boundaries and low self-esteem and this is what keeps the narcissist in business. He will replace you once he is absolutely sure you’re done with him.
How do you know you are done with a narcissist?
When you no longer believe anything the narcissist stands for. When you stop hoping the narcissist will change, your lack of faith in him will repel him and he will move on to the next victim.
You may still be hurt and feel betrayed but you no longer see any good in the narcissist and the illusion is broken. Since the relationship was based on illusions, once the narcissist is exposed, there is no foundation left for the relationship to survive.
When the narcissist realizes you no longer believe in them, they immediately lose interest. They will replace you or put you on the back burner. At this point, you should cut all ties to the narcissist to begin your recovery and healing.
If you don’t abandon the narcissist, you can get them to abandon you by exercising the following techniques below. Remember, after you inflict narcissistic injury it is best to do it and then cut off ALL contact with this person because they will be literally obsessed to enforce revenge upon you.
Additional ways to defeat a narcissist:
*Mock their behavior and laugh. After all, nothing about them is real, it’s just a game. Play!
*Date other people, keep all options open.
*Embarrass them. Expose them on social media or in public. Narcissist lives in illusion and if you reveal their true colors to the public, you have successfully defeated them!
*Be open to real love and you will never settle for Narcissistic bullshit.
*Show emotion with them. Extreme emotion. It freaks them out!
*If you find yourself attracted to a narcissist and you are actually contemplating a relationship with them, please go see a therapist to address your co-dependent issues and low self-esteem.
*Call them out on everything they do in an emotional and demanding way.
*Demand that they give you a title and don’t you dare see them until they do.
*Set expectations. Every time you talk to them remind them of what you EXPECT from them.
*Corner them by making plans and “Dates” keep reminding them of the dates by text, email, and calls. LOL
*Praise their friends but not them.
*Criticize them and reinforce their insecurity. They are never as confident as they appear.
*Complain about the sex.
*Keep talking about your ex in front of them.
*Say one thing and do another. But be blatant with it, throw it in their face.
They are too guarded and busy playing the “I don’t give a fuck card” to give you a reaction.
This gives you free reign to shit all over them. Cleanse your colon at the narc’s expense.
*BEST strategy? IGNORE THEM. Show complete disdain. Ride off unto the sunset like they aren’t shit to you well because of the simple fact that they AIN’T.”
Run when you see this facial expression. Narcissist are spiritual serial killers, they may not kill your physical body, but they will butcher your soul.
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