How to Defeat a Narcissist

How to Defeat a Narcissist

The term narcissist is being overly used by people desperate to find closure in a relationship that didn’t work out and quite frankly not meant to be.

The goal of this blog is to learn how to distinctively recognize a narcissist before you loosely throw around the term. Not everyone who has hurt you in a relationship is a narcissist.” Janell Hihi

In fact, we all have narcissistic tendencies. You have hurt people unknowingly in the past whether you acknowledge it or not.

The very issues you see with a narcissist may be the very issues someone seen in you from your past, and that is typically the person who was head over heels in love with you but you didn’t feel the same way about them.

You may have blown that person off, only hung out with them when you were bored, lied about your feelings because you were unsure, and took them for granted. We all have qualities of narcissist unknowingly. No one is perfect.

It’s hard to accept our own behavior yet we are quick to wear the victim badge of honor when we encounter unrequited love or a very mean and hurtful person.

At some point we were once the villain. The very fact that most people don’t acknowledge that is narcisstic in of itself. The problem is when you repeatedly are the villain. Well then, your repeated toxic behavior would make you a narcissist.” Janell Hihi

In my upcoming book “Relationship Reform: It is What You Are,” I discuss in great lengths, how narcissist should be navigated and how pivotal it is to be knowledgeable of their characteristics on the dating scene. I also elaborate how to avoid being narcissistic to others. The Book will be available July 16, 2016.

On this particular blog, I want to give a general overview to address all the emails I have received from my readers who believe they are in relationships with a narcissist.

First of all, you cannot be in a relationship with a narcissist, it will never develop into an actual relationship. Even if you are married to them or just a casual girlfriend. You’re not actually in a relationship, despite the title.

Instead, you are involved in a situation-ship with a narcissist. Guess what? The narcissist is a joke, and the joke is on you if you continue to deal with them on an intimate level.” Janell Hihi

Noticed I mentioned, “intimate level.” Quite simply, narcissist can’t be taken seriously. At all! If you understand this law of human social interaction, you know better than dealing with them on a serious, intimate level. You deal with a narcissist on their level, which is superficial, delusional and minuscule.

If you fall for a narcissist you are codependent and lack self-love. The narcissist will awaken your need to look within yourself and establish stronger boundaries. If you already have high self-esteem and strong boundaries, most narcissist won’t get past the 2nd date with you.

How to defeat a narcissist?

The first step is understanding the narcissist’s moves. The pathology of narcissism starts at a very young age due to a dysfunctional childhood. Please read my article titled “Stealing Light: The Cycle of Narcissism” to get a better understanding as to why the narcissist behaves the way they do.

It is essential to learn the psychology of narcissism because understanding their behavior frees you from blaming yourself for how badly they treat you. How a narcissist treats you has nothing to do with your worth as a person but more to do with their anger, hurt and pain buried deep within their psyche. The perfect analogy to the relationship dynamic you would encounter from a narcissist is that of an ill-behaved child who suffers severe social personality disorders and an overly stressed out parent.

There will never be an adult-like mutual exchange of energy with this person. Their goal in dealing with you is NOT to love you, it is to lower your expectations, ignore your boundaries and reek havoc on you in an insidious, indirect manner like a slow poison.

I listed below all of the basic narcissistic tactics and how you should deal with them accordingly.

  1. The narcissist has a closed off energy. In their presence, you feel something is either hidden or missing with them. It’s just something seems off. Despite their meager attempts to sometimes open up, it seems superficial, like they’re on stage putting on a show. Usually getting them to open up at all is, well impossible.

An example: Everytime you asks a narcissist how they are doing, they are always doing great! They do not appear real in any way shape or form.

An Example: If you display emotion, they display logic. They reason everything you say. It feels like your consulting in a business meeting not sharing your feelings with an adult who can empathize.

A narcissist can’t display emotion. Unfortunately, most of them were forced to exercise emotional censorship as children and they are not aware of any alternative way of being. Emotional censorship is when a parent forces a child to never show anger or negative or positive emotion.

The parent teaches the child that it is not good to show emotion, and they can not share how they feel in their home environment. Being emotional is bad, it’s weak and unapproved by the emotionally abusive parent.

Eventually, the repression of the narcissist emotions will blow up in your face one day and become narcissistic rage! That is discussed more in my book.

Narcissist hate holidays and birthdays

It is hard for them to see people happy, although they appear to be happy on the outside, they are dying inside. They do not like receiving gifts because “it’s too intimate” and they do not like giving gifts at all, so you are more than likely to get a really lame ass gift if one at all from a covert narc.

I dated a covert narc once, invited him to my daughters birthday and he acted like an ass the entire duration of the party. He had a miserable look on his face, was very indifferent towards my daughter who was the birthday girl and actually had the audacity to pull me aside and say that I am not paying attention to him! He tried to fight with me at my daughter’s party. Needless to say, I left him shortly after.

Narcissist hate celebrations and holidays, they sulk and get very depressed during these times. Seeing people happy is so disturbing to them.” Janell Hihi

Narcs secretly enjoy funerals, evictions, layoffs and breakups when it is happening to other people.

Covert Narcissist will not commit. To anything. Trying to plan a date with a narc? He/or she will agree verbally but rebel in action! How dare you try to confine them, subject them to obligation? They will find a way out with their myriad of excuses but they will never tell you straight up they just don’t want to go.

Your hope is their fuel. Making a “plan” with you would make you feel too comfortable. The narcissist wants all control. They want you off guard, off balance, forever in an unknowing state and they will manipulate you into believing that it’s just spontaneity. No, it’s an indirect control tactic, my dear.

Your response should be: This has to make you laugh. Keep laughing at the delusional little freak, and never, under any circumstances ever take them seriously. Make plans with “adults” in your life, keep your life moving. Keep your life fabulous!

Do call them out on it. In fact, call them out on EVERYTHING they do wrong.

Narcs hate being called out. Point out in an emotionally healthy way (they secretly despise your ability to express emotion) that they are LIARS. That they can’t be trusted. That they are in fact deceitful and they do not know how to keep their word. Do not be moved from your position, show them your poor opinion of them is an unchanging belief.

Even if you’re like me and played with a narc in the past by mocking their behavior and flaking out on them on several occasion’s too, contradict yourself and act innocent calling them out on their dirty laundry while denying your own.

Most covert (non-aggressive) narcs will never, under any circumstances express an attitude with you verbally. However, the aggressive narcissist will, but that is another blog.

Unfortunately, there are varying degrees of narcissism. So far in my life, I have encountered covert non-aggressive and aggressive narcissist. If you have never death with a narcissist it is essential to be aware of the early signs you’re dating a narcissist. Check out my article “7 Early Signs You Are Dating a Narcissist.”

The covert, non-aggressive narcissist reactions are just through their actions. REMEMBER, THEY CANNOT EXPRESS EMOTION. Calling you out would be an emotional act. They’d much rather pretend they are unbothered by you and act unrealistically nonchalant despite how awful your blatant behavior was towards them.

Covert narcs keep you at bay, at a distance, they fear getting too close to you. Aggressive narcs are possessive and controlling, they don’t want you to have a life of your own.

A covert narc doesn’t want relationships, he/she wants an open stream of “no-string attached,” casual relationships with multiple people.” Janell Hihi

Esteemology.com could not have said it better regarding the narcissist and his harem of women he collects that he never intends to commit to.

Usually, these are women who were tired of his hot and cold bullshit and they ended it but he asked to be their “friend” and they allowed it. It’s really not ever as simple as a “friendship”, it usually includes some kind of benefits. And a way to make you suffer for any narcissistic injury you inflicted on them.

Narcissists, in the same way, don’t like to throw away the people they’ve collected.  Both are pathological, unhealthy and dysfunctional. A Narcissist will offer up a friendship after he has screwed you around for the 100th time, but what he’s really offering is a membership to his harem.

He will throw you crumbs of affection and he will spin tales, hinting of a possible future together. This harem membership allows him to pop in and out of your life, mess with your head and keep tabs on you, while at the same time it keeps you stuck and fixated on him. Harem Membership does have its privileges, but the privilege is all his.”

Read my article “Casual Sex & the Modern Day harem”

They are not upfront about just wanting sex because they are confused. They really want power over you.

They send mixed signals constantly. One minute they “may” want to pursue a relationship, the very next minute they aren’t even dating you. You’re just a fuck buddy friend type of convenience for them in the grand scheme of things. What you are to them changes depending on their moods and egoic needs.

Covert narcs thrive off of selling you a dream, that maybe one day they may see you as girlfriend material… oh and they will change their flakey behavior when that happens. They will suddenly treat you with respect, keep their promises, be loyal, be normal! Except that will never, ever happen. It’s all bullshit they feed you to keep you around so they can have you at their disposal.

Most narcissists have this weird smirk on their face that is unchanging despite what chaos is going on around them.

They stare at you with a blank and fake, psychotic half smile. Their facebook profile picture may look the same or similar, scan your friend’s list and brace yourself.

This picture below is the signature narcissistic Poker Face, it’s just creepy! This actor nailed it!

The Silence of the Lambs (1991) Blu-ray Screenshot
The Silence of the Lambs (1991) Blu-ray Screenshot

When you stand up to a narcissist, what should you expect from them in return?

You should expect the victim role. Narcissist wants your pity more than they want your respect. If they can get you to feel sorry for them, they can manipulate you to the fullest extent. Check out this blog I wrote How The Narcissist Creates an Army of Defenders by Playing the Victim Role

Standing up to a narcissist is when you openly refuse to believe the “False self” that they portray to you and the world. You refuse their false self by calling them out on it and TELLING them who they really are. It is as if you have “Exposed” them. Be prepared for insidious revenge, they will, in turn, want to destroy you.

The destruction is indirect, they want to manipulate, confuse and use you. They accomplish this by keeping you in a fog. That is why it is important to leave them for good once you stand up for yourself and refuse to believe their bullshit.

A narcissist is known to initiate the silent treatment for days or weeks on in after you assert your boundaries or even after they make a promise or a commitment they never intended to fulfill.

They also get you back by throwing another person in your face by bringing them around you a.k.a, triangularization, and standing you up or canceling a date at the very last minute. They mutter under their voice sarcastic or degrading comments about you in public and in private.

Telling you immature ridiculous things like “I’m mean to you because I like you.” You may believe for a moment your back in the 1st grade but no, they really mean it.

They are really mean to people in any kind of emotional entanglement with them in general. Everything they say is partially a truth and partially a lie. If there is a such thing, narcissist are the “Inbetween People.” Who are never clear about who they are or their true intentions.

It’s actually true that if a narcissist likes you, he/she will indeed treat you like shit! People that they don’t like or care for really get treated nicely. This is exactly why most people who are mutual friends with the narcissist will not believe you when you tell them the truth about this person’s sociopathic behavior.

Narcissist interchangeably insults you and compliments you.” Janell Hihi

They will insult you but they will also compliment you, confusing you even more, as they in one instant throw an underhanded insult at you and the other compliment you. They like to keep you in a fog. They like to use the term “In the gray” as justification. Don’t buy that bullshit, just another narc trying to cleverly and logically explain his anti-social behavior.

A Narcissist backlash is always done in an indirect manner,  narcs say rude things about you or to you in a sarcastic manner to get a reaction out of you. Then have the audacity to say they were “just joking.”

Giving you the illusion that if you want to hang out with them you better toughen up, can’t be too sensitive because they like to “joke a lot” a.k.a insult you on the low.

An example of this from my experience with a narcissist is below:

I thought I was having a good conversation with a narc once until he switched it all up and said in a casual way, an insidious yet bold statement, that he had never met a girl as “Promiscuous” as me. When I checked him on the statement he made, he said he didn’t mean to use that word… I knew it was a passive aggressive attempt to insult me because promiscuity is not what I represent at all!

Narcs don’t do anything directly it is always disguised, indirect and insidious. You will feel it, that is if you care. Don’t care. Laugh. This is a joke, not even close to resembling anything that could ever be real and sustainable relationship or friendships.” Janell Hihi

Narcs hate titles. Boyfriend titles, husband titles, employee titles, anything that confines them to fit a certain role that heeds responsibility and makes them feel obligated. Even if they agree to a title, they NEVER live up to it.

Narcs will become husbands and boyfriends when “cornered” eventually but they will NOT act according to their titles. They will take upon the title to appease you but never change their ways. Your still nothing to them despite the rock on your finger. They will still maintain an eerie psychotic distance from you initiated by changing drastically as soon as you move in with them, get married, or become exclusive.

Ask a narcissist how they are doing and they always say “Great!” Even if they just left a funeral. They can’t keep it real in any sense of the word.

They are delusional in the sense that “Oh everything is fine.” All the damn time. Who do they think they are fooling? Everyone goes through shit and why are they so obsessed with maintaining this inhuman aura that THEY always have everything under control? They don’t accept that they are human and it’s ok to make mistakes.

The narc declares in his crazy little head, I am perfect, my MO is to be honest, straight forward and caring of others feelings. That is what he/she wants the world to perceive them as but the content does not match the label.

The narcissist is a scam. He/she is an e-coli virus that you need to RECALL from your life. Impose FDA regulations against the narcissist.” Janell Hihi

The Narcissist is a pretty shitty salesman. He sales his potential. He has no tangible, “working,” asset or product to sell you, just future promises. The narcissist is selling you a product that does not work now but will in the future… that is if YOU act right.

The product has several defects both cosmetically and eternally but he wants you to buy it because he promises it will “magically” work in the future and it will deliver heavenly like features you will be thankful you waited so long for it to work!

Doesn’t that sound delusional? Well, I hope you’re reading this and answering, “YES!”

Abandoning the Narcissist (Your best bet)When you abandon the narc he will come back and do one small good deed to reel you back in then immediately revert back to his bullshit ways. Saying one thing then doing another to no end. They are predictable, pattern driven people that are not that hard to figure out. They have rigid routines and typically are very easy to find.

They are passive aggressive by default, telling you what you want to hear and doing the direct opposite.” Janell Hihi

They feed you hope never delivering! Don’t buy what they are selling. You will never get it. It will always be marked as out for delivery but never land at your doorstep.

How to respond to the narc’s pattern of saying one thing and doing another… a.k.a passive aggressive pyscho bullshit?

Always reward behavior, never words. They get what they want ONLY when they DO what you want.” Janell Hihi

So how do you defeat a narcissist, it’s simple: NEVER PAY UPFRONT.

They won’t ever deliver and neither will you. It goes nowhere and nowhere is the perfect destination to strive for when dealing with a crazy asshole pretending to be normal.

Last but not least Narcissist will NOT leave you alone.

They will even tell you that. They say things that try to make you feel special like “I ain’t going nowhere.” And “I ain’t letting you go.” Well, you have made it so easy and convenient for them to get what they want they would be a fool to stop getting the free food.

Also, their inflated ego refuses to believe anyone would ever leave them. Narcissist are in denial, and that denial is what creates stalkers. SAD.

How to respond?

They have to be totally cut off. They can’t even be a friend or business associate! I usually threaten them with police involvement and harassment orders to get them to stop contacting me.

Even if they only call you once a week which is typical of a covert narc, which is usually to hoover or annoy you… Don’t allow their toxic energy into your space, at all, no matter how infrequent their contact is. The cut-off of the narcissist is eminent.” Janell Hihi

Again, no matter how far few and in between they contact you, they have to be cut off entirely having no access whatsoever. This is because they will try to sneak their way back in eventually.

For the narcissist to remain “casually” in your life is their best manipulation tactic to use against you.” Janell Hihi

This way they maintain complete control being able to contact you whenever it’s convenient for them, ignore you when they are busy without having to give you any explanation because you’re just “friends” casually be able to see you when it works for them, confuse you with mixed signals and keep you on the back burner with the rest of their string alongs.

Yes, allowing the narcissist to “casually” stay in your life without commitment is a trap.

They sell you pity saying things like, “Oh, so just because I am not ready for a relationship and I don’t want to date you, we can’t be friends?” The translation means, he wants to have you on his terms only, sex included. You must be very black and white with the narc. If they don’t want a relationship let them go, no friendship needed.

If you were in a relationship and you break up, do not let them stay in your life. When it’s over, it really has to be over. Severe all connections, you are not dealing with a normal person who really just wants to be your friend.”

It is, or it isn’t with a narcissist. Unfortunately, even when it is, it really isn’t so your screwed either way. Can you say “DEAD END?” That is the only direction you will be headed in when dealing with a narcissist.

dead-end-jobs

Get the Police involved early.

Threatening police and harassment order involvement typically will scare the shit out of a covert narcissist and he should leave you alone but may inspire stalker-like behavior from an aggressive narcissist.

Also, keep in mind, the covert narcissist will lurk on social media using accounts with fake names just to re-experience the thrill of overstepping your boundaries.

They may even comment and say something incredibly narcissistic that gives away their identity. They find creative ways to overstep your boundaries. Most of them really never go away.

I told a narcissist my boundaries once, and he said, “Boundaries?!” He gave me a strange, empty look as if I just insulted him and then he proceeded to say, “I don’t do well with boundaries, that doesn’t work for me.”

If that wasn’t a red flag coming from the horse’s mouth itself! I knew at that point, my departure was inevitable but what scared me was the fact that people who don’t like boundaries usually won’t leave you easily.

They really DON”T believe you want nothing to do with them, I can’t reiterate this point enough! You will often hear yourself saying to friends and family, “I told him I want nothing to do with him and not to contact me again, yet he acts as though I never said it!”

Narcissist really don’t get it! They can’t believe ANYONE would want to have NOTHING to do with them because of their grandiose, egotistical, unrealistic view of themselves.

They believe you’re just mad now and in a few days or weeks or months you will forget about the whole ordeal and let them back into your life… This is why they will wait a few weeks and send you a text or Facebook message saying “Hope all is well.” They do not know how to FUCK OFF.

Remain consistent with No Contact and contact law enforcement to help you if needed.

A typical interaction with a narcissist is as follows:

The normal person asking the narc to stay away from him/her:

“I don’t want to see you anymore, not even as a friend. You are a hurtful person. Do not contact me again.”

The Narcissist reaction:

“Oh okay, well take care.”

Then 6 days later the narcissist sends you the following text message: 

“Hey, u free to grab a drink tonight?”

It is the narcissist telling you in so many ways, “Your boundaries don’t mean shit to me, I will come and go as I please. I am not listening to you. I get what I want.” It’s really creepy and abusive.

However, once they really get the point they will walk away, you were nothing but an object to them anyways and they always have someone else in line to get narcissistic supply from.

Unfortunately, many women have weak boundaries and low self-esteem and this is what keeps the narcissist in business. He will replace you once he is absolutely sure you’re done with him.

How do you know you are done with a narcissist?

When you no longer believe anything the narcissist stands for. When you stop hoping the narcissist will change, your lack of faith in him will repel him and he will move on to the next victim.

You may still be hurt and feel betrayed but you no longer see any good in the narcissist and the illusion is broken. Since the relationship was based on illusions, once the narcissist is exposed, there is no foundation left for the relationship to survive.

When the narcissist realizes you no longer believe in them, they immediately lose interest. They will replace you or put you on the back burner. At this point, you should cut all ties to the narcissist to begin your recovery and healing.

If you don’t abandon the narcissist, you can get them to abandon you by exercising the following techniques below. Remember, after you inflict narcissistic injury it is best to do it and then cut off ALL contact with this person because they will be literally obsessed to enforce revenge upon you.

Additional ways to defeat a narcissist:

*Mock their behavior and laugh. After all, nothing about them is real, it’s just a game. Play!

*Date other people, keep all options open.

*Embarrass them. Expose them on social media or in public. Narcissist lives in illusion and if you reveal their true colors to the public, you have successfully defeated them!

*Be open to real love and you will never settle for Narcissistic bullshit.

*Show emotion with them. Extreme emotion. It freaks them out!

*If you find yourself attracted to a narcissist and you are actually contemplating a relationship with them, please go see a therapist to address your co-dependent issues and low self-esteem.

*Call them out on everything they do in an emotional and demanding way.

*Demand that they give you a title and don’t you dare see them until they do.

*Set expectations. Every time you talk to them remind them of what you EXPECT from them.

*Corner them by making plans and “Dates” keep reminding them of the dates by text, email, and calls. LOL

*Praise their friends but not them.

*Criticize them and reinforce their insecurity. They are never as confident as they appear.

*Complain about the sex.

*Keep talking about your ex in front of them.

*Say one thing and do another. But be blatant with it, throw it in their face.

They are too guarded and busy playing the “I don’t give a fuck card” to give you a reaction.

This gives you free reign to shit all over them. Cleanse your colon at the narc’s expense.

*BEST strategy? IGNORE THEM. Show complete disdain. Ride off unto the sunset like they aren’t shit to you well because of the simple fact that they AIN’T.”

Janell Hihi

Eyes_of_a_Killer_by_EvilAngel888

Run when you see this facial expression. Narcissist are spiritual serial killers, they may not kill your physical body, but they will butcher your soul.

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Sincerely,

Janell Hihi

Copyright@2016

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23 thoughts on “How to Defeat a Narcissist

  1. I agree abandoning them and not playing their dumbass mind games against them is the best way to get rid of them. It is so true how they don’t respect boundaries. My narc kept popping up every 3 months for 2 years even after I was engaged and got married. He’d email me because it was his only way to communicate with me because I changed my number and blocked him on social media. He would just email me out of the blue, “Hope all is well.” or even more creepy, “Are you out and about?” I’d never respond and show my husband, He knows I am married yet acts as if he still can just see me or talk to me whenever. I will threaten him with the harassment order like you suggested in this article if he contacts me again. It is getting on me and my husband’s last nerve!

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  2. I have met a couple of women like this. Just expect them to put some energy into the relationsship so it will be mutual, then it will go nowhere. After a while they will find someone else stupid enough to take the bait.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for commenting. A narcissist doesn’t understand the concept of give and take. In the beginning of a relationship most women want the man to pursue them but after a few dates, women should begin to reciprocate by mutually planning dates and initiative contact with the man.

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  3. Thank you Janell for your empowering blog. I have completely shifted my thinking about a controlling, narcissist (in law enforcement) I dated. I’m lucky because after we ran into my ex-boyfriend the controlling, mr. narcissist lost interest in me. I now realize how dangerous this man is.

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  4. My ex narc have resorted to sending private photos that were only for him to other people, and he created a face social media account where he tries to publish my private photos. It’s starting to effect more than is acceptable.

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    1. Sorry this is happening to you. It’s illegal for him to post pictures of you that can invade your privacy. I’d seek legal counsel. Threaten him first by telling him you will get the police involved if he doesn’t take the photos down. If he doesn’t comply, seek legal counsel. He will back down once he knows your serious about taking action.

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  5. Hmm, what if they cut off all contact from you ??? Does it mean you have won ??? What if you have know the person closeish for 40 years and had a huge crush on them, then went out with them for two years, they helped you with your shyness, you fell totally in love, you helped, spoiled them rotten, cared and loved tham ??? And you loved “every” second of the time with them ??? I am a very loving person, I would do anything for anyone and do, I would not harm a fly. And now worry for her, as some men could harm her maybe.

    Wayne

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    1. Yes, if they go away you won. It takes time to heal the Pain but in time you will be fine. Trust the journey. Spoiling people enables them from growing and they also take you for granted. Don’t spoil anyone else in the future, best wishes to you!

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      1. But she was a friend that I had had a crush on for 53 years, she was my first real girlfriend, I did not want her to go. We were going to start a new line on gates, thus she would have had money going in as well. I miss her so much, I have had a nervous breakdown, depression, and anxiety, this was so bad for 11 months, its now coming up to 2 years and I still miss her so much. BUT, 5 months in she talked of houses, the first was so expensive £480,000, then there were more houses, the last was 1.3 million, I have not got that kind of money.

        Thus as I spoiled her with everything else, 5 holidays and so many things in 18 months, did she move out as she thought she would not get the house I wonder ??? As after she ended it she said twice we would talk, 2 weeks after she said she wanted to stay friends and to market the gate, I then sent her a long letter, then she said she would call the police ??? Remember she knows me for 40 years, knows I would not halm a fly and am shy. I ask her why she seems to hate me now, nothing. 5 days before she ended it, me asking her if she was happy other than her niece, then kissed me all over the face saying your the most kind and handsome man I have ever meet, gone from that, and with no row at all, to her ending it and hating me. I leave it for a month, send chocolates and flowers to her nothing, then with us before this texting and E-mailing each other, not once did I go up her house or phone her, after the flowers she calls the police. I then write a few daft things on Facebook, nothing much, more love songs with the words, she calls the police again ???

        And all this for helping and spoiling her, as with out me she would never have her horsebox sprayed, MOT, so much work done on it, and work that I did on it. I am still so much in love with her, but after a year she has meet someone, he is older, and used to bread horses AND wait for it, has land, thus she rents her house out, moved her horse and in with him, thus I would think even if I died tomorrow she might not care ???

        YES, she started to open up, telling me she found it hard to love. Another time she talked for ages on her bother and father who died young and we played their records, and then about her mother. Three months in I said, but I know you Frances, she looked at me and said, Wayne you dont really know me, I have done things in life I am ashamed off, And the courtship was very long, and when I told her that in 3 weeks I had not even kissed here yet, she took me aside and gave me a long telling how people get hurt in relationships.

        She was very good looking, and sill had it at 53, and loved to dress up, even to much her horse out, but always said to me that she thought she was ugly and fat. There are so many things to this story, most would never believe.

        BUT, she just got the police, and that was silly, as she was doing things against the law, and I had her asking for money on my texts. I lend her a very large amounts, but because she was lucky to get her pension out early, she paid it all back. But then there were more lends, she said when she ended it she would pay back, but not a word. I could have shown the police her asking for money on my tees, but did not want to get her in trouble.

        I wish so much she would come back, or just stayed friends, as its nearly 2 years still am in a hell of a state, after 4 visits to the doctor, but MUCH better than the first 11 months.

        Thank you for your help.

        Wayne

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  6. am shy and would help and do anything for anyone, and did in the above, spoil her rotten, I knew there was something wrong but did not care, not only did I let take advantage, I told her to, as I was living my dream with her, and wanted her to have all she wanted, and she helped me so much, tus how could I score 83 on the CN test, I am the opposite,, always doing and helping people. And I would never even think of hurting others, I would far rather them get more out of things, more money out of doing things than me. Don’t think the test is at all right.

    Wayne

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  7. Great article. Very comprehensive and deals well with what is actually required to deal with a narcissist. So many people try to be nice to the narc thinking that will ‘heal’ them, when the narc has no interest in healing but will use that niceness as a lever to increase control.

    I thought the article though addressed extreme narcs with NPD but did not see that mentioned anywhere. I reckon many people have narc tendencies but can be corrected when their behaviour is self-obsessed. For example, if I’ve had a massive day and am stressed sometimes my wife has to let me know I haven’t asked how she is, something I reckon most people do at times. A bit narcy but understandable and correctable, unlike with someone who has NPD.

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  8. I love this article. I was outright laughing at how true & ridiculous some of the statements are about the narcs. Especially about how they won’t F OFF! I repeatedly told the narc how much I detested him, had no respect for him, etc. and he kept coming back. I called him out on everything he ever did, the passive aggression, silent treatment, the comments, the lack of emotions & connection, his porn problem, etc etc & what did he do, kept coming back for more!! I told him over & over I’m done, broken up etc, and he hoovered. He wanted to stay friends. I said what friendship? There’s no basis of friendship! And that was when he triangulated me with the new one who was absolutely perfect & described exactly like me! That was it. I told him I wanted a clean break. I was so cold to him, so done with him & sick of him, I blocked him on everything & got a therapist! Best decision! Going on 2 months. But the break ups started 4 years ago! It was a long distance relationship with someone I knew from way back & I was distracted taking care of my elderly parents. So not fully focused. Got caught in what I thought he was & was absolutely not & he only became worse as time went on! Save yourself. Get out early & the first time! Listen to your intuition. Unfortunately, this has thrown me for a loop & will take considerable inner resources to get over, since both parents also passed away during this time. Grief upon grief. Another reason to get out at the first signs when you are not invested. Takes less time to bounce back (maybe).

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    1. Maggie thanks for commenting and sharing your experience. Yes, recovery takes time and I’m working on an article now regarding the ways in which I recovered which I believe will benefit others. It’s best not to beat yourself up over shoulda, woulda, could of’s. Be self-compassionate, cry, mourn and work on ways to make yourself happier and stronger everyday! Remember you got out! You are one of the strong one’s. Many people spend decades with narcissist and those people are their favorite victims because those people have NO backbone. The more naive the man/women is the longer he/she will stay with a narc… The narc will appear to be more in love with his new victim than he was with you and that’s not the case. He just has more free will, without resistance to pull off his abusive tactics without objective from his new mate. Consider yourself lucky to be in recovery. I am proud of you.

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  9. Also, I dont agree with what you wrote on a covert narcissist, that they hate gifts surprises ??? I mean is that the main thing they want out of you, gifts ??? Why would a covert narcissist not like this, is that not going totally against what they want out of you ??? I myself hate gifts, but I love going.

    Wayne

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    1. Hello Wayne, thanks for commenting. Everything about narcissist is not absolute, meaning there is some variation. Typically male narcissist hate gifts from woman because they use gifts as leverage to control women. When a woman gives a narc male a gift, he feels it is not out of thoughtfulness but rather a way to try to control him. Woman narcissist are more prone to accept gifts. However, there is a difference between a womanizer, a gold digger and a narcissist. They are not all one in the same…

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  10. If you fall for a narcissist you are codependent and lack self-love. I am unsure if she was a narcissist, as she even said after that she did take a little advantage of me, but that’s the way I wanted it, and that was true, as I just loved giving here things and helping here in life. I wanted it to be like, and it actually did seem like this, like we had been married for 40 years, like she had helped with the business, brought up the family, taken care of the house, thus if she wanted anything she would ask me, and I would most probably let her have most things.

    She told me a few times she found it hard to love, we talked a few times on this. Funny, she went on holidays with the girls, I got so upset crying and everything before she went, when she came back she said she could not understand why I got so upset, I did not say anything, but I thought it was so obvious, as that I was going to miss her so much. She said a few things like that, proving she was born without as much emotions as me, as her feelings emotions were far lees than me. We were opposites there, as she had felling, but not like mine, after 5 months I started to cry my eyes out one day, as I was so happy just to be with her after 53 years, it was the opposite of a nervous breakdown. She said, Wayne let it out, all this being with me is to much for you.

    As I said I had known her and had a crush on her for 40 years, she was my first girlfriend, and I still love her madly. Why would I care if she liked the good things in life, lots of us do.

    Wayne

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    1. I’m sorry you’re going through a painful experience. In the beginning of my article I mentioned that just because a relationship doesn’t work out, doesn’t mean the partner who seemed less interested was a narcissist. It could be compatibility issues and an abundance of other issues. Narcissist deliberately hurt people and from what you wrote, the woman your in love with does NOT appear narcissist. I determined that by how you described her sharing her feelings, narcissist do not share sincere feelings, ever. Best wishes to you.

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  11. Narcissist deliberately hurt people and from what you wrote, the woman your in love with does NOT appear narcissist. I determined that by how you described her sharing her feelings, narcissist do not share sincere feelings, ever. Best wishes to you. I was so overwhelmed by her saying that she found it hard to love, as it seemed like the first time she told someone, not sure about that I was the first she told. But after she told me that, she gave me a huge talk on how much I can love. She also once said, Wayne why are you so kind to me, and your family are, I said back, because we love you, you are family now, its like she did not understand feeling, same with the thing I told you about her going on holidays and I cried and she did not understand why.

    She also told me the last hour I seen her last she found it hard to love. Her dog Rio jumped on her as we were both laying down, she said, here is my soulmate, I said what about me, she said you know what I mean, I said I do. Odd, that after that we came down sinking her favorite song out loud in her car like two teenagers. And a few days before that I asked her if she was happy, other than her niece, she kissed me all over the face and said you’re the most kind and handsome man I have ever mee, then she just said its over, and twice she said we would talk but we did not.

    Two weeks later after several texts back and forth, she said, yes I want to stay friends, and to market our new line of gates if I still went her too. Then she just seemed to hate me. I have now booked a holiday, and buying my dream car, but it has not lifted my mood at all, I am still so miserable.

    Wayne

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