How to Defeat a Narcissist

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How to Defeat a Narcissist

Today, narcissist all over the world are being idolized and celebrated. Somehow, we’ve reached a new low where carelessness and cruelty is seen as superiority and brilliance.

In our intimate relationships, the one who cares less is seen as the stronger and wiser  party in the relationship. However, carelessness is not a strength.

“You are not a better or wiser person simply because you’ve ceased to care.” 
― Clifford Cohen

The term narcissist is being overly used by people desperate to find closure in a relationship that didn’t work out and quite frankly was never meant to be.

The goal of this blog is to learn how to distinctively recognize a narcissist before loosely throwing around the term. Not everyone who has hurt you in a relationship is a narcissist. Accurately identifying narcissistic characteristics will assist in protection against abuse.

In fact, we all have narcissistic tendencies. We’ve all hurt people unknowingly in the past and acknowledging that is very difficult to do.

“We are to give (and take) true love without falling into the narcissistic habit of only trying to take it in.” 
― Criss JamiKillosophy

Unrequited love is not narcissistic abuse. If someone chooses not to reciprocate the love you give to them, that is their free will. It doesn’t necessarily make them a narcissist.

The very issues you see with a narcissist may be the very issues someone seen in you from your past. Typically, that’s the person who was head over heels in love with you but unfortunately you didn’t feel the same way about them. Unrequited love stirs emotions that people will find a way to justify by painting the one who got away as a villain.

At some point in someone’s story from our past we were made to be the villain. The very fact that most people don’t acknowledge that is narcissistic in of itself.

In my published book How to Defeat a Narcissist: The Complete Guide to Shutdown Narcissistic Abuse, I discuss in great length, how narcissistic encounters should be handled and how pivotal it is to be knowledgeable of narcissistic traits and characteristics on the dating scene, at work, and among friends and family.

Narcissist are known as the wolf in sheep’s clothing. Everything about them is deceptive. The narcissist is an illusionist who comes into your life appearing as your knight in shining arm. He showers you with attention, affection, gifts, compliments and promises that will put your anxious and lonely heart at ease.

However, beneath the surface lurks a manipulative, sadistic, abusive coward. The unsuspecting victim of narcissistic abuse wants to be loved but the narcissist wants to be feared. The narcissist seeks to control your emotions because he can’t control his own. Narcissist have no use for those he cannot control. He comes on strong, professing his undying love, enveloping the victim into a smoke screen that is almost inescapable.

However, sooner or later, the narcissist begins to show his sadistic true colors. He love bombs the victim with admiration and affection in the beginning of the relationship only to devalue, abuse and criticize them later. The victim of narcissistic abuse works hard to bring back the way things were in the beginning when the narcissist was caring and affectionate… They blame themselves for the narcissist changed behavior and work even harder to regain his love, attention and validation.

The victim is unknowingly on a hamster wheel. Continuously running circles for the narcissist but going absolutely nowhere! Sound familiar?

Eventually, the victim of narcissistic abuse acts like an addict desperately try to get the narcissist to love her again. His validation is her fix. He dangles it like a carrot in her face. She’s a sucker for the honeymoon phase and will disrespect herself if there’s a possibility she can relive it.

Her greatest fear is that the narcissist never loved her to begin with…

“Hate is the complement of fear and narcissists like being feared. It imbues them with an intoxicating sensation of omnipotence.” 
― Sam VakninMalignant Self Love: Narcissism Revisited

That fear gives him premium narcissistic supply and a perverse power that entitles him to abuse others without regard.

How the narcissist hooks his victims…

The first few weeks, or even months, of dating the narcissist is referred to as the love-bombing, honeymoon phase.

His charm is unmatched and he will say or do no wrong. His love and kindness will let down the victims guard and the narcissist will use their vulnerability to abuse them later in the relationship. The narcissist appears to be everything his partner ever wanted in a man.

A relationship with a narcissist is like a fairy tale with a heartbreaking plot twist that doesn’t end well for the victim.

Unfortunately, Prince charming turns into a vicious monster. The vibrant energy and positivity the narcissist gave you in the beginning of the relationship turns into confusion, mental and physical fatigue, shock, gas-lighting, mental abuse, emotional abuse, deflection and devaluation.

Narcissistic hook their victims by shocking them from the drastic difference in their behavior from a loving and kind man to a monster. One minute the narcissist puts the victim on a pedestal then they knock them off. This dysfunctional pattern will persist throughout the relationship.

After the honeymoon phase, the devaluation stage slowly begins.

It’s never obvious. Narcissistic abuse is insidious, sarcastic and passive aggressive. It’s a slow poison affecting one organ at a time.

The obvious first sign is the narcissist makes the victim feel insignificant and even crazy!

The narcissist goes from validating the victim to invalidating the victim. The victim becomes obsessed with the narcissist because they are stuck wondering why. Often, the victim is trapped in a cognitive dissonance desperately trying to justify the narcissist bizarre behavior.

The power of validation and invalidation

“Invalidation is about dismissing your experiences, thoughts and above all your emotions. Indeed the intention is to not even allow you to have those thoughts, experiences and emotions. It’s a way of invading your head and reprogramming it. It’s psychological abuse (messing with your thoughts) and emotional abuse (messing with your feelings).”
― Danu Morrigan

How can you prevent the inevitable fall from grace when dealing with a narcissist? Be patient. Don’t fall hook, line and sinker for anyone during the honeymoon phase (first few months) of a relationship.  Instead, allow the relationship to slowly unfold. Avoid men who come on too strong professing their love for you in only a few weeks or a few months of knowing you. Only time reveals who people truly are and everyone shows the best version of themselves in the beginning.

We don’t know a person until we experience an argument or disagreement with them. A true testament of an individual’s character is how they handle conflict. The narcissist avoids conflict in the honeymoon stage of a relationship to hide his true colors. He is often appeasing and very accommodating to his partner in the beginning appearing to patient, kind and compromising. Beware of any man who avoids conflict altogether. That person is not being real. Everything the narcissist does is strategically calculated.

On this particular blog, I want to give a general overview to address all the emails I have received from my followers who believe they are in relationships with a narcissist.

First of all, you cannot be in a relationship with a narcissist, it will never develop into an actual relationship. Even if you are married to them or just a casual girlfriend. You’re not actually in a relationship, despite the title. You are a slave to a slave master, a helpless civilian to a dictator, a peasant to a king. A relationship is mutual exchange of love, respect, energy and compromise.

The end goal of a relationship is love and partnership. The end goal for a narcissist is control.

Instead of a relationship, you are involved in a situation-ship with a narcissist. Since narcissist can’t experience real intimacy due to emotional blocks developed in childhood, fake love, is the only love you’ll receive.

Noticed I mentioned, “real intimacy.” Quite simply, narcissist can’t be taken seriously. At all! If you understand this law of human social interaction, you’ll know better than dealing with them on a serious, intimate level. You deal with a narcissist on their level, which is superficial, delusional and minuscule. They are good for one night stands while on vacation. I wouldn’t even recommend starting a friends with benefits relationship with a narcissist. That too, can turn toxic.

The purpose of the narcissist in your life: The narcissist will awaken your need to look within yourself and establish stronger boundaries. If you already have high self-esteem and strong boundaries, most narcissist won’t get past the 2nd date with you.

If you’re reading this and already in love with a narcissist. This experience will make you a wiser person with stronger boundaries in the end. However, if you find yourself in one abusive relationship after the next… you may be suffering from emotional masochism which means that you’re subconsciously addicted to emotional pain. Read more here…

How to defeat a narcissist?

“Lies don’t end relationships the truth does.”
― Shannon L. Alder

The first step is understanding the narcissist’s moves.  Narcissists obsessively follow a set pattern of behaviors that can be learned so that you remain one step ahead of them. The pathology of narcissism starts at a very young age due to a dysfunctional childhood. Please read my article titled “Stealing Light: The Cycle of Narcissism” to get a better understanding as to why the narcissist behaves the way they do.

Regardless, narcissist operate on an subconscious script. They need to trick people into believing in love then take back the love they gave to remind others their not worthy of love.

Most narcissist grew up in an emotionally and mentally abusive environment where their parent(s) bargained their love. The parent would only love them conditionally. Once the narcissist made a mistake, the parent would withhold that love and emotionally and mentally scold the child.

The narcissist replays that scripts and re-enacts that trauma of giving love and then taking it back in their adult relationships. Taking the love they give back gives them a sense of power and control, something they didn’t have as a child.

Never feel pity for them. Most narcissist refuse to get help because denial is the numbing agent they use to ease their pain. If you jump on a sinking ship you deserve to drown.

Take off your cape now! Your love will not save them or change them.

Beat the narcissist at his own game.

Narcissists need to feel significant. This is their addiction.

Unfortunately, for the narcissist to feel significant, they must make you feel insignificant. It is essential to learn the psychology of narcissism because understanding their behavior frees you from blaming yourself for how badly they treat you.

My book… How to Defeat a Narcissist, is critical for all women to read! If you stay ready, you never have to get ready!

The best dating advice I ever received was: The signs you ignore in the beginning just end up being the reason you leave later.

My book will teach you how to determine right away who’s good and who’s bad for you… My book will confirm your intuition. You know, when you got that strange feeling on the 2nd date that he may not be the right man for you, but you ignored it?

Self-validation is the only validation you should ever seek. Remember, seeking validation from others will make you a slave for their approval.

How a narcissist treats you has nothing to do with your worth as a person but more to do with their anger, hurt and pain buried deep within their psyche.

Narcissist are maladaptive. They don’t learn from their mistakes and they refuse to get professional help. They allow things in their life to remain unresolved. Forever. Imagine living with them in their toxicity? If living in a gas chamber suits your emotional needs. Go for it! Be prepared for a slow, agonizing and painful death of your mind, body and spirit.

Narcissist are travelers looking for someone to help carry around their baggage. Don’t rush to be their companion. Don’t fall for the love bombing scheme. Don’t let flattery get to your head. Remain objective, patient and slightly skeptical. Mostly, remain self-protective!

Remember, how long you decide to stick around accepting abuse does have something to do with your nonexistent self-esteem. Are you in love with a narcissist? You may have some self-loving to do! No worries. My book can help you with that too!

The perfect analogy to the relationship dynamic you would encounter from a narcissist is that of an ill-behaved child who suffers severe social personality disorders and an overly stressed out parent.

There will never be a lasting, adult-like mutual exchange of love and energy with this person. Their goal in dealing with you is NOT to love you, it is to lower your expectations, ignore your boundaries, and reek havoc on you in an insidious, indirect manner.

Below is a list of the narcissistic tactics and how you should deal with them accordingly.

  1. The narcissist has a closed off energy. In their presence, you feel something is either hidden or missing with them. Something seems off. Despite their meager attempts to sometimes open up, it seems superficial, like they’re on stage putting on a show. Usually getting them to open up at all is, well impossible.

An example: Everytime you asks a narcissist how they are doing, they are always doing great! They do not appear real in any way shape or form. They’re not the type to tell you what’s really going on in their lives in fear that you will use the information to control them.

An Example: If you display emotion, they display logic. They reason everything you say. It feels like your consulting in a business meeting not sharing your feelings with an adult who can empathize. It’s just another way the narcissist mimizies his victims.

A narcissist can’t display emotion. They can ACT as if their emotional to achieve a goal. They can mirror feelings but actually lack the capacity to feel genuine feelings.

Unfortunately, most of them were forced to exercise emotional censorship as children and they are not aware of any alternative way of being. Emotional censorship is when a parent forces a child to never show anger or negative emotions.

The parent teaches the child that it’s not good to show emotion, and they can not share how they feel in their home environment. Being emotional is bad, it’s weak and not approved by the emotionally abusive parent.

Eventually, the repression of the narcissists emotions will blow up in your face one day and become narcissistic rage! That is discussed in more detail in my book.

Narcissist hate holidays and birthdays

It is hard for them to see people happy, although they appear to be happy on the outside, they are dying on the inside. They do not like receiving gifts because “it’s too intimate” and they do not like giving gifts at all, so you are more than likely to get a really lame ass gift if one at all, from a covert narc. Unless of course, your in the love bombing stage. In that case you may receive a really expensive gift to make you fall hard.

I dated a covert narc once, invited him to my daughters birthday and he acted like an ass the entire duration of the party. He had a miserable look on his face, was very indifferent towards my daughter and actually had the audacity to pull me aside and say that I am not paying attention to him! He tried to fight with me at my daughter’s party by begging me to give him the same attention I was giving her. Needless to say, I left him shortly after.

Narcissist hate celebrations and holidays, they sulk and get very depressed during these times. Seeing people happy is so disturbing to them.” Janell Hihi

Narcs secretly enjoy funerals, evictions, layoffs and breakups when it’s happening to other people.

Covert Narcissist will not commit. To anything. Trying to plan a date with a narc? He/or she will agree verbally but rebel in action! How dare you try to confine them, subject them to obligation? They will find a way out with their myriad of excuses but they will never tell you straight up they just don’t want to go. If you are a side chick which is considered secondary supply, you will be on the receiving end of a very non-committal narcissist.

Your hope is their fuel. Making an actual “plan” with you would make you feel too comfortable. The covert narcissist wants all control. They want you off guard, off balance, forever in an unknowing state and they will manipulate you into believing that it’s just spontaneity. No, it’s an indirect control tactic, my dear. He wants you sitting around waiting by the phone for him. Of course, I know your confused because in the beginning he planned dates with you a week in advance… He wants to keep you guessing. It give him control when you don’t know his next move!

Your response to his refusal to commit should be: Make plans with “adults” in your life, keep your life moving. Keep your life fabulous! Make plans with others and do not break your plans if he calls you at the last minute. Make him wait in line and force him to plan a date with you otherwise the consequence is he won’t be able to see you at all! Remind the narcissist your life doesn’t revolve around him.

Do call them out on their inability to commit. In fact, call them out on EVERYTHING they do wrong.

Narcs hate being called out. I advise you to point out in an emotionally healthy way (they secretly despise your ability to express emotion) that they are LIARS. That they can’t be trusted. That they are in fact deceitful and they do not know how to keep their word. Do not be moved from your position, show them your poor opinion of them is an unchanging belief.

Mirror the narcissist by mocking their behavior and flaking out on them on several occasions too, contradict yourself and act innocent calling them out on their dirty laundry while denying your own.

Most covert (non-aggressive) narcs will never, under any circumstances express an attitude with you verbally. However, the aggressive narcissist will, but that is another blog. In fact, most narcissist aren’t clear cut covert or aggressive… they usually alternate their behavior by appearing covert and aggressive, simultaneously. This causes their victim to stay confused. It’s easy to abuse and control confused people.

Unfortunately, there are varying degrees of narcissism. So far in my life, I have encountered covert non-aggressive and aggressive narcissist. If you have never dealt with a narcissist it is essential to be aware of the early signs you’re dating a narcissist. Check out my article “7 Early Signs You Are Dating a Narcissist.”

The covert, non-aggressive narcissist reactions are shown through their actions. REMEMBER, THEY CANNOT EXPRESS EMOTION. Calling you out would be an emotional act. They’d much rather pretend they are unbothered by you and act unrealistically nonchalant despite how awful your blatant behavior was towards them. The covert narcissist maintains a poker face and an unmovable stoic exterior.

Covert narcissist keep you at bay, at a distance, they fear getting too close to you. Aggressive narcs are possessive and controlling, they don’t want you to have a life of your own after they reel you in and make you fall hard by love bombing you.

A covert narc doesn’t want relationships, he/she wants an open stream of “no-string attached,” casual relationships with multiple people.” Janell Hihi

Esteemology.com could not have said it better regarding the narcissist and his harem of women he collects that he never intends to commit to.

Usually, these are women who were tired of his hot and cold behavior and they ended it but he asked to be their “friend” and they allowed it. It’s really not ever as simple as a “friendship”, it usually includes some kind of benefits. The narcissist always looks to milk every cow he encounters thoroughly. Staying your friend after a failed relationship is also a way to make you suffer for any narcissistic injury you inflicted on them.

Narcissists, in the same way, don’t like to throw away the people they’ve collected.  Both are pathological, unhealthy and dysfunctional. A Narcissist will offer up a friendship after he has screwed you around for the 100th time, but what he’s really offering is a membership to his harem.

He will throw you crumbs of affection and he will spin tales, hinting of a possible future together. This harem membership allows him to pop in and out of your life, mess with your head and keep tabs on you, while at the same time it keeps you stuck and fixated on him. Harem Membership does have its privileges, but the privilege is all his.”

Read my article “Casual Sex & the Modern Day harem”

They are not upfront about just wanting sex because they are confused. They really want power over you. Although it may appear only physical… it’s much deeper than that.

They send mixed signals constantly. One minute they “may” want to pursue a relationship, the very next minute they aren’t even dating you. You’re just a fuck buddy friend type of convenience for them in the grand scheme of things. What you are to them changes depending on their moods and egoic needs.

The longer you stick around playing their fool, the more damage you will inflict upon yourself. Get out!!

Covert narcs thrive off of selling you a dream, that maybe one day they may see you as girlfriend material… or one day they’ll leave their wife or girlfriend to be with you… or one day when they get their finances right they’ll marry you. It’s all bullshit they feed you to keep you around so they can have you at their disposal. I know it’s not fair. In the beginning they said they were single and looking for love. They were exclusive to you in the honeymoon phase… but then the truth was revealed somehow and you’re sitting around asking yourself why you weren’t good enough to be told the truth… These self-defeating questions keep you stuck in the cycle of abuse.

That’s the wrong narrative. Pay attention to how you talk to yourself! The only question you should be asking yourself is why you didn’t leave the narcissist for good when you found out the truth about them?

Narcissist Body Language

Most narcissists have this weird smirk on their face that is unchanging despite what chaos is going on around them.

They stare at you with a blank and fake, psychotic half smile. Their facebook profile picture may look the same or similar, scan your friend’s list and brace yourself.

This picture below is the signature narcissistic Poker Face, it’s just creepy! This actor nailed it!

The Silence of the Lambs (1991) Blu-ray Screenshot
The Silence of the Lambs (1991) Blu-ray Screenshot

When you stand up to a narcissist, what should you expect from them in return?

You should expect the victim role. Narcissist wants your pity more than they want your respect. If they can get you to feel sorry for them, they can manipulate you to the fullest extent. Check out this blog I wrote How The Narcissist Creates an Army of Defenders by Playing the Victim Role

Standing up to a narcissist is when you openly refuse to believe the “False self” that they portray to you and the world. You refuse their false self by calling them out on it and TELLING them who they really are. It’s as if you have “Exposed” them. Be prepared for insidious revenge, they will, in turn, want to destroy you! End the relationship with them and that cuts off their plan to drag you along in a game of tit for tat.

Remember, it’s important to leave them for good once you stand up for yourself and refuse to believe their bullshit. There’s no point in sticking around.

Expect the Silent Treatment

A narcissist is known to initiate the silent treatment for days or weeks after you assert your boundaries. Or after they make a promise or a commitment they never intended to fulfill.

Most women hate men who tell you straight up they don’t want a relationship because they’re not accustomed to assertive men. Women who pursue men who clearly state their intentions and try to change them are the narcissist in those cases!

The unwillingness to accept honesty is a narcissistic trait. The unwillingness to believe what people show you about themselves is also a narcissistic trait. Whenever you try to alter reality to satisfy your ego, you’re not an optimist or hopeless romantic, you’re toxic! If you cry victim after failure to change someone who clearly revealed their intentions to you, newsflash! You’re the problem.

Narcissist will attempt to reel you back in by making you jealous!

They also get you back by throwing another person in your face by bringing them around you a.k.a, triangularization.

They are known for getting their victim really excited about an extravagant date they plan to take them on but they eventually cancel the date at the last minute or worse, go silent and stand their victim up. The narcissist wants to gas his victims up just to let them down. They inflict extreme highs and lows within their relationships.

In addition, narcissist mutter under their voice sarcastic or degrading comments about you in public and in private. They need to keep you insecure and guessing… again, it’s how they maintain their power.

Narcissist make irrational statements to confuse their target. For example, the narcissist may say, “I’m mean to you because I like you.” You may believe for a moment your back in the 1st grade but no, they really mean it! They don’t really like you, so if you’re desperate for an inkling of validation, don’t get too excited. They don’t like you, they only like playing with your head because you allow it.

Everything a narcissist says is partially a truth and partially a lie. If there is a such thing, narcissist are the “In between People.” Who are never clear about who they are or their true intentions. This mysterious aura they possess keeps their victims stuck trying to figure the narcissist out.

It’s actually true that if a narcissist likes you, he/she will indeed treat will treat you badly. This is exactly why most people who are mutual friends with the narcissist will not believe you when you tell them the truth about this person’s sociopathic behavior. On the outside they appear to be a great person.

Narcissist interchangeably insults and compliments you.

The narcissist in one instance will throw an underhanded insult at you and in the next instance, compliment you. They like to keep their victims in a fog of confusion. If they can keep their partner asking themselves “Does he like me or not?” They have them wrapped around their fingers.

When the narcissist starts to peel back his mask, he’ll make YOU the topic of his underhanded jokes and constant sarcasm. You will never know if he’s joking or serious. He has power when he keeps you wondering…

If you try to call him out on his antisocial behavior, he will laugh at you and tell you that you can’t take a joke! You’re too sensitive! The narcissist will give you the illusion that if you want to hang out with him you better toughen up. You can’t be too sensitive because they like to “joke a lot” and the joke is often on you!

An example of this from my experience with a narcissist is below:

I thought I was having a good conversation with a narc once until he switched it all up and said in a casual way, that he had never met a girl as “Promiscuous” as me. When I checked him on the statement he made, he said he didn’t mean to use that word… I knew it was a passive aggressive attempt to insult me because promiscuity is not what I represent at all! Narcissist will call you the opposite of what you are to mold you into what they secretly wish you to be. A narcissist will call a virgin nun a whore and a Ivy league graduate academically challenged.

Narcissist hate titles. Boyfriend titles, husband titles, employee titles, anything that confines them to fit a certain role that heeds responsibility and makes them feel obligated to behave a certain. Even if they agree to a title, they NEVER live up to it and they secretly resent you for demanding they take a title.

Narcissist will become husbands and boyfriends when “cornered” but they will NOT act according to their titles. They will take upon the title to appease you but never change their ways. If you benefit them financially, it will be easier for them to secure a commitment. However, it’s important to never be too flattered by their marriage proposal. Your still nothing to them despite the rock on your finger. They will still maintain an eerie psychotic distance from you which will be initiated by changing drastically as soon as you move in with them, get married, or become exclusive. The mask will come off and you’ll regret saying “Yes.”

Narcissist are passive aggressive by default, telling you what you want to hear and doing the direct opposite.” Janell Hihi

They feed you hope never delivering! Don’t buy what they are selling. You will never get it. It will always be marked as out for delivery but never land at your doorstep.

How can you beat the narcissist at their own game?

Only reward behavior, never words. The narcissist will get what he wants ONLY after he gives you what you want.” Janell Hihi

So how do you defeat a narcissist? It’s simple: NEVER PAY UPFRONT.

They won’t ever deliver and neither will you. It goes nowhere and nowhere is the perfect destination to strive for when dealing with a crazy individual pretending to be normal.

This book is a game changer! Learn how to defeat a narcissist on every level and how to heal properly and move forward! Are you ready to get your power back? This book reveals secrets the narcissist doesn’t want you to know! 

Click Here to Purchase on Amazon.com

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Excerpt from the book’s introduction…

Defeating a narcissist starts with defeating feelings of unworthiness within ourselves.

“The problem is not to find the answer; it’s to face the answer.”

-Terrence McKenna

The eviction date for the narcissist to vacate your headspace is set. In a matter of time, you’ll be back in control of your emotions. The fog will clear and the sun will appear! A new day is coming! I’ve patiently waited to walk you to the other side, where your freedom anxiously awaits you. Feel the weightlessness as the ball chains that bind you begins to fall off. You will  become more YOU than ever before!

Loving a narcissist is baptism by fire. It hurts, but in the end, a stronger and more powerful version of yourself emerges from the ashes of ruin. The bittersweet paradox of pain is that we meet ourselves in it’s shadows. The meetings is so profound, it feels like an encounter with God.”


Okay… back to the main article

Last but not least… Narcissist will NOT leave you alone.

When a narcissist discards his victim… he often uses the slow fade maneuver. He says things that try to make his victim feel special. Example, “I ain’t going nowhere.” And “I ain’t ever letting you go.”

Most victims of narcissistic abuse made it so easy and convenient for the narcissist to get what they want from them that they’ll allow the narcissist to leave the door open just in case he is upset with his new supply and in need of an ego stroke.

Also, their inflated ego refuses to believe anyone would ever leave them. As mentioned earlier, narcissist collect women and add them to their harem. 

How to respond if the narcissist tries to leave the door open…

The narcissist must be totally cut off. They can’t even be a friend or business associate! I usually threaten them with police involvement and harassment orders to get them to stop contacting me after a break up. Otherwise, they don’t take you seriously

Allowing the narcissist to “casually” stay in your life without commitment is a trap.

If you were in a relationship and you break up, do not let them stay in your life. When it’s over, it really has to be over. Severe all connections, you are not dealing with a normal person who really just wants to be your friend.”

It either is, or it isn’t with a narcissist. Unfortunately, even when it is, it really isn’t so you’re screwed either way. Can you say “DEAD END?” That is the only direction you will be headed in when dealing with a narcissist.

dead-end-jobs

Narcissist don’t respect boundaries

I told a narcissist my boundaries once, and he said, “Boundaries?!” He gave me a strange, empty look as if I just insulted him and then he proceeded to say, “I don’t do well with boundaries, that doesn’t work for me.”

If that wasn’t a red flag coming from the horse’s mouth itself! I knew at that point, my departure was inevitable but what scared me was the fact that people who don’t like boundaries usually won’t get the picture when you tell them it’s over. A prime example is a stalker. They habitually cross the line violating their victims boundaries while receiving a rush of intoxicating adrenaline while doing so.

Creepy!

Narcissist can’t believe you want nothing to do with them, I can’t reiterate this point enough! You will often hear yourself saying to friends and family, “I told him I want nothing to do with him anymore and not to contact me again, yet he acts as though I never said it and nothing is wrong!”

Narcissist can’t believe ANYONE would want to have NOTHING to do with them because of their grandiose, egotistical, and unrealistic view of themselves.

They believe you’re just mad now and in a few days, weeks or months, you will forget about the whole ordeal and let them back into your life… This is why they will wait a few weeks and send you a text or Facebook message saying “Hope all is well.” They do not know how to Get LOST!

*Remain consistent with No Contact and contact law enforcement to help you if needed.

A typical interaction with a narcissist is as follows:

The normal person asking the narc to stay away from him/her:

“I don’t want to see you anymore, not even as a friend. You are a hurtful person. Do not contact me again.”

The Narcissist reaction:

“Oh okay, well take care.”

Then 6 days later the narcissist sends you the following text message: 

“Hey, u free to grab a drink tonight?”

It’s the narcissist way of telling you in so many ways, “Your boundaries don’t mean shit to me, I will come and go as I please. I am not listening to you. I get what I want.”

This is why when you end a relationship with a narcissist you must block their phone number and social media accounts. They never really go away. You must make yourself unreachable to them.

However, once they really get the point they will walk away, you were nothing but an object to them anyways and they always have someone else in line to get narcissistic supply from. Don’t feel sorry for him. 

Unfortunately, many women have weak boundaries and low self-esteem and this is what keeps the narcissist in business. He will replace you once he is absolutely sure you’re done with him.

How do you know you are done with a narcissist?

When you no longer believe anything the narcissist stands for. When you stop hoping the narcissist will change. Your lack of faith in him will repel him and he will move on to the next victim.

You may still be hurt and feel betrayed but you no longer see any good in the narcissist and the illusion is broken. Since the relationship was based on illusions, once the narcissist is exposed, there is no foundation left for the relationship to survive.

When the narcissist realizes you no longer believe in them, they immediately lose interest. They will replace you or put you on the back burner. At this point, you should cut all ties to the narcissist to begin your recovery and healing. This stage is referred to as No Contact.

If you don’t abandon the narcissist, you can get them to abandon you by exercising the following techniques below. Remember, after you inflict narcissistic injury it is best to do it and then cut off ALL contact with them.

If you find it difficult to cut a narcissist out of our life, you’re not alone. It’s very hard. The good news it, I can help. Sign up for 1 on 1, customized coaching Click Here

Additional ways to defeat a narcissist:

*Mock their behavior and laugh. After all, nothing about them is real, it’s just a game. Play!

*Date other people, keep all options open.

*Embarrass them. Expose them on social media or in public. Narcissists live in an illusion and if you reveal their true colors to the public, you have successfully defeated them!

*Be open to real love and you will never settle for Narcissistic abuse.

*Show emotion with them. Extreme emotion. It freaks them out!

*If you find yourself attracted to a narcissist and you are actually contemplating a relationship with them, please go see a therapist to address your co-dependent issues and low self-esteem.

*Call them out on everything they do.

*Demand that they give you a title and don’t you dare see them until they do.

*Set expectations. Every time you talk to them remind them of what you EXPECT from them.

*Praise their friends but not them.

*Criticize them and reinforce their insecurity. They are never as confident as they appear.

*Complain about the sex.

*Keep talking about your ex in front of them.

*Say one thing but do the opposite.

*BEST strategy? IGNORE THEM. Show complete disdain. Focus on improving your life. Move on!

Eyes_of_a_Killer_by_EvilAngel888

Run when you see this facial expression! Narcissist are spiritual serial killers, they may not kill your physical body, but they will butcher your soul.

Check out my book How to Defeat a Narcissist: The Complete Guide to Shutdown Narcissistic Abuse available on Amazon.

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SUBSCRIBE – To my Mailing List & Never Miss a Beat! Self-Love repels narcissistic abuse. Learn the 7 Principles of Self-Love Today!

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Sincerely,

Janell Hihi

Copyright@2016

59 thoughts on “How to Defeat a Narcissist

  1. I agree abandoning them and not playing their dumbass mind games against them is the best way to get rid of them. It is so true how they don’t respect boundaries. My narc kept popping up every 3 months for 2 years even after I was engaged and got married. He’d email me because it was his only way to communicate with me because I changed my number and blocked him on social media. He would just email me out of the blue, “Hope all is well.” or even more creepy, “Are you out and about?” I’d never respond and show my husband, He knows I am married yet acts as if he still can just see me or talk to me whenever. I will threaten him with the harassment order like you suggested in this article if he contacts me again. It is getting on me and my husband’s last nerve!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I have met a couple of women like this. Just expect them to put some energy into the relationsship so it will be mutual, then it will go nowhere. After a while they will find someone else stupid enough to take the bait.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for commenting. A narcissist doesn’t understand the concept of give and take. In the beginning of a relationship most women want the man to pursue them but after a few dates, women should begin to reciprocate by mutually planning dates and initiative contact with the man.

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  3. Thank you Janell for your empowering blog. I have completely shifted my thinking about a controlling, narcissist (in law enforcement) I dated. I’m lucky because after we ran into my ex-boyfriend the controlling, mr. narcissist lost interest in me. I now realize how dangerous this man is.

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  4. My ex narc have resorted to sending private photos that were only for him to other people, and he created a face social media account where he tries to publish my private photos. It’s starting to effect more than is acceptable.

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    1. Sorry this is happening to you. It’s illegal for him to post pictures of you that can invade your privacy. I’d seek legal counsel. Threaten him first by telling him you will get the police involved if he doesn’t take the photos down. If he doesn’t comply, seek legal counsel. He will back down once he knows your serious about taking action.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Hmm, what if they cut off all contact from you ??? Does it mean you have won ??? What if you have know the person closeish for 40 years and had a huge crush on them, then went out with them for two years, they helped you with your shyness, you fell totally in love, you helped, spoiled them rotten, cared and loved tham ??? And you loved “every” second of the time with them ??? I am a very loving person, I would do anything for anyone and do, I would not harm a fly. And now worry for her, as some men could harm her maybe.

    Wayne

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    1. Yes, if they go away you won. It takes time to heal the Pain but in time you will be fine. Trust the journey. Spoiling people enables them from growing and they also take you for granted. Don’t spoil anyone else in the future, best wishes to you!

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      1. But she was a friend that I had had a crush on for 53 years, she was my first real girlfriend, I did not want her to go. We were going to start a new line on gates, thus she would have had money going in as well. I miss her so much, I have had a nervous breakdown, depression, and anxiety, this was so bad for 11 months, its now coming up to 2 years and I still miss her so much. BUT, 5 months in she talked of houses, the first was so expensive £480,000, then there were more houses, the last was 1.3 million, I have not got that kind of money.

        Thus as I spoiled her with everything else, 5 holidays and so many things in 18 months, did she move out as she thought she would not get the house I wonder ??? As after she ended it she said twice we would talk, 2 weeks after she said she wanted to stay friends and to market the gate, I then sent her a long letter, then she said she would call the police ??? Remember she knows me for 40 years, knows I would not halm a fly and am shy. I ask her why she seems to hate me now, nothing. 5 days before she ended it, me asking her if she was happy other than her niece, then kissed me all over the face saying your the most kind and handsome man I have ever meet, gone from that, and with no row at all, to her ending it and hating me. I leave it for a month, send chocolates and flowers to her nothing, then with us before this texting and E-mailing each other, not once did I go up her house or phone her, after the flowers she calls the police. I then write a few daft things on Facebook, nothing much, more love songs with the words, she calls the police again ???

        And all this for helping and spoiling her, as with out me she would never have her horsebox sprayed, MOT, so much work done on it, and work that I did on it. I am still so much in love with her, but after a year she has meet someone, he is older, and used to bread horses AND wait for it, has land, thus she rents her house out, moved her horse and in with him, thus I would think even if I died tomorrow she might not care ???

        YES, she started to open up, telling me she found it hard to love. Another time she talked for ages on her bother and father who died young and we played their records, and then about her mother. Three months in I said, but I know you Frances, she looked at me and said, Wayne you dont really know me, I have done things in life I am ashamed off, And the courtship was very long, and when I told her that in 3 weeks I had not even kissed here yet, she took me aside and gave me a long telling how people get hurt in relationships.

        She was very good looking, and sill had it at 53, and loved to dress up, even to much her horse out, but always said to me that she thought she was ugly and fat. There are so many things to this story, most would never believe.

        BUT, she just got the police, and that was silly, as she was doing things against the law, and I had her asking for money on my texts. I lend her a very large amounts, but because she was lucky to get her pension out early, she paid it all back. But then there were more lends, she said when she ended it she would pay back, but not a word. I could have shown the police her asking for money on my tees, but did not want to get her in trouble.

        I wish so much she would come back, or just stayed friends, as its nearly 2 years still am in a hell of a state, after 4 visits to the doctor, but MUCH better than the first 11 months.

        Thank you for your help.

        Wayne

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  6. am shy and would help and do anything for anyone, and did in the above, spoil her rotten, I knew there was something wrong but did not care, not only did I let take advantage, I told her to, as I was living my dream with her, and wanted her to have all she wanted, and she helped me so much, tus how could I score 83 on the CN test, I am the opposite,, always doing and helping people. And I would never even think of hurting others, I would far rather them get more out of things, more money out of doing things than me. Don’t think the test is at all right.

    Wayne

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    1. I have CN too, and I also disagree with the idea that they are all the same. For me, I have the self-centered behavior, the hypersensitivity, and maybe a bit of entitlement too but I’m not an asshole (I actually have the INFP personality type too) and I wouldn’t go out of my way to hurt anyone. If someone were to hurt me, however (which doesn’t take much), I would wipe my hands with them and stop talking to them for ages. I’ve always believed in treating others how you want them to treat you, I always try to treat others decently but it seems like I get crapped on all the time by the people around me, but maybe that’s just the hypersensitivity.

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  7. Great article. Very comprehensive and deals well with what is actually required to deal with a narcissist. So many people try to be nice to the narc thinking that will ‘heal’ them, when the narc has no interest in healing but will use that niceness as a lever to increase control.

    I thought the article though addressed extreme narcs with NPD but did not see that mentioned anywhere. I reckon many people have narc tendencies but can be corrected when their behaviour is self-obsessed. For example, if I’ve had a massive day and am stressed sometimes my wife has to let me know I haven’t asked how she is, something I reckon most people do at times. A bit narcy but understandable and correctable, unlike with someone who has NPD.

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  8. I love this article. I was outright laughing at how true & ridiculous some of the statements are about the narcs. Especially about how they won’t F OFF! I repeatedly told the narc how much I detested him, had no respect for him, etc. and he kept coming back. I called him out on everything he ever did, the passive aggression, silent treatment, the comments, the lack of emotions & connection, his porn problem, etc etc & what did he do, kept coming back for more!! I told him over & over I’m done, broken up etc, and he hoovered. He wanted to stay friends. I said what friendship? There’s no basis of friendship! And that was when he triangulated me with the new one who was absolutely perfect & described exactly like me! That was it. I told him I wanted a clean break. I was so cold to him, so done with him & sick of him, I blocked him on everything & got a therapist! Best decision! Going on 2 months. But the break ups started 4 years ago! It was a long distance relationship with someone I knew from way back & I was distracted taking care of my elderly parents. So not fully focused. Got caught in what I thought he was & was absolutely not & he only became worse as time went on! Save yourself. Get out early & the first time! Listen to your intuition. Unfortunately, this has thrown me for a loop & will take considerable inner resources to get over, since both parents also passed away during this time. Grief upon grief. Another reason to get out at the first signs when you are not invested. Takes less time to bounce back (maybe).

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    1. Maggie thanks for commenting and sharing your experience. Yes, recovery takes time and I’m working on an article now regarding the ways in which I recovered which I believe will benefit others. It’s best not to beat yourself up over shoulda, woulda, could of’s. Be self-compassionate, cry, mourn and work on ways to make yourself happier and stronger everyday! Remember you got out! You are one of the strong one’s. Many people spend decades with narcissist and those people are their favorite victims because those people have NO backbone. The more naive the man/women is the longer he/she will stay with a narc… The narc will appear to be more in love with his new victim than he was with you and that’s not the case. He just has more free will, without resistance to pull off his abusive tactics without objective from his new mate. Consider yourself lucky to be in recovery. I am proud of you.

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  9. Also, I dont agree with what you wrote on a covert narcissist, that they hate gifts surprises ??? I mean is that the main thing they want out of you, gifts ??? Why would a covert narcissist not like this, is that not going totally against what they want out of you ??? I myself hate gifts, but I love going.

    Wayne

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    1. Hello Wayne, thanks for commenting. Everything about narcissist is not absolute, meaning there is some variation. Typically male narcissist hate gifts from woman because they use gifts as leverage to control women. When a woman gives a narc male a gift, he feels it is not out of thoughtfulness but rather a way to try to control him. Woman narcissist are more prone to accept gifts. However, there is a difference between a womanizer, a gold digger and a narcissist. They are not all one in the same…

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      1. I don’t like gifts on my birthday or for Christmas. That doesn’t make someone a narcissist and in fact narcissists tend to rage if you don’t get them a gift. There are people that don’t admire gifts because of other reasons. I don’t like gifts because of times when someone else tried to take back a gift he gave to me after we broke up but wanted to keep the gift I gave to him for Christmas. Over time with holidays and added stress I’ve noticed that part of the stress occassion is the expectation of GIFTS. Material things matter so much to people and people will get really upset over gifts. I am also a minimalist. I have little things I have full ownership of. I don’t stock up on material things. I’ve noticed with narcissists and controllers they do use gifts as leverage and they don’t seem to understand that gift giving isn’t something you ask for back if things don’t go your way. I’ve had clothing with held from me in my childhood by a parent if I did something they didn’t like. I’d have to wear my older clothes that didn’t fit so well for punishment.

        I don’t value physical gifts. I value quality time instead. If you are with a narcissist, the narcissist or controller gets really frustrated if they can’t just buy you something because that would get them out of having to show emotion to you and spend quality time with you.

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  10. If you fall for a narcissist you are codependent and lack self-love. I am unsure if she was a narcissist, as she even said after that she did take a little advantage of me, but that’s the way I wanted it, and that was true, as I just loved giving here things and helping here in life. I wanted it to be like, and it actually did seem like this, like we had been married for 40 years, like she had helped with the business, brought up the family, taken care of the house, thus if she wanted anything she would ask me, and I would most probably let her have most things.

    She told me a few times she found it hard to love, we talked a few times on this. Funny, she went on holidays with the girls, I got so upset crying and everything before she went, when she came back she said she could not understand why I got so upset, I did not say anything, but I thought it was so obvious, as that I was going to miss her so much. She said a few things like that, proving she was born without as much emotions as me, as her feelings emotions were far lees than me. We were opposites there, as she had felling, but not like mine, after 5 months I started to cry my eyes out one day, as I was so happy just to be with her after 53 years, it was the opposite of a nervous breakdown. She said, Wayne let it out, all this being with me is to much for you.

    As I said I had known her and had a crush on her for 40 years, she was my first girlfriend, and I still love her madly. Why would I care if she liked the good things in life, lots of us do.

    Wayne

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    1. I’m sorry you’re going through a painful experience. In the beginning of my article I mentioned that just because a relationship doesn’t work out, doesn’t mean the partner who seemed less interested was a narcissist. It could be compatibility issues and an abundance of other issues. Narcissist deliberately hurt people and from what you wrote, the woman your in love with does NOT appear narcissist. I determined that by how you described her sharing her feelings, narcissist do not share sincere feelings, ever. Best wishes to you.

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  11. We had two big rows, and both were so silly, she just did not get something, I cant say it on here, as it involves money, but would LOVE to tell you, as it might be the main thing or one of the main things of the story, could I pm you Janell ???. and another bigish row, and the odd small ones, most of the time we would talk daft, laugh, hold hands, and talk of so many things, but she did love money. But on the rows, we would go for a walk hand in hand, and talk things out, never once did we shout at each other, it seemed like we had been married for 40 years, we were just that close.

    Mind you about 3 months in, I said to her, but I know you Frances, as I said we have known each other for 40 years, but she looked at me straight in the eyes, and said; you dont really known me, I have done things in my life I am ashamed of, I never forgot her saying that, and at the same time she said that, i looked around her house, and she did not have one photo, no family photos. Weeks later, she did have family photos, but she got me to put them all up her attic.

    God I am still so in love with her, but the whole thing has made me mentally ill, I am so down and sad all the time, and been to the docters 4 tim,es and on 2 different tablets. She promised she would never leave me, and I would never have to be alone again, now I am back in that living hell. if she had ended it and stayed friends it would be so nice, but she will not talk to me or want anything to do with me, after all I did.

    Wayne

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  12. Narcissist deliberately hurt people and from what you wrote, the woman your in love with does NOT appear narcissist. I determined that by how you described her sharing her feelings, narcissist do not share sincere feelings, ever. Best wishes to you. I was so overwhelmed by her saying that she found it hard to love, as it seemed like the first time she told someone, not sure about that I was the first she told. But after she told me that, she gave me a huge talk on how much I can love. She also once said, Wayne why are you so kind to me, and your family are, I said back, because we love you, you are family now, its like she did not understand feeling, same with the thing I told you about her going on holidays and I cried and she did not understand why.

    She also told me the last hour I seen her last she found it hard to love. Her dog Rio jumped on her as we were both laying down, she said, here is my soulmate, I said what about me, she said you know what I mean, I said I do. Odd, that after that we came down sinking her favorite song out loud in her car like two teenagers. And a few days before that I asked her if she was happy, other than her niece, she kissed me all over the face and said you’re the most kind and handsome man I have ever mee, then she just said its over, and twice she said we would talk but we did not.

    Two weeks later after several texts back and forth, she said, yes I want to stay friends, and to market our new line of gates if I still went her too. Then she just seemed to hate me. I have now booked a holiday, and buying my dream car, but it has not lifted my mood at all, I am still so miserable.

    Wayne

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  13. I got hoovered after 7 months of “no contact”.
    He wanted to be friends. I tried it for a week , and went totally nuts. I’m am an intuitive person. What he did and said, didn’t match what I felt was going on… and I totally lost it, freaked out, and called him on his shit. He of course denied the motives I ascribed to his behaviour, which made me crazier. So I completely shot off on him like a machine gun, describing quite accurately what was happening, and dumped and threatened him. I feel good about that. I am not a crazy person unless incited. His duplicity incited me. Never fucking again…

    Like

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  15. This was by far the best blog about narcissistic behavior! I couldn’t believe how I saw listed on EVERY page of this article ALL the characteristics of this narc of whom I dated for several months. He’d go away and he’d come back as if he did not hear me when I told him to go away nd never to contact me agin! This last time that he contacted me, I became very demanding and emotional and made up a story and threatened him with legal involvement. He all of a sudden never dated me and he said that I was some sort of crazy person and he thanked me for showing how crazy I was. I laughed at him! I blocked him from my phone and he no longer knows where I live. Thank you for sharing! However, he bought me a couple of cheap gifts and I was trying to decide if I should return them to him in the mail with no return address?

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    1. Sorry, but I misspelled a couple of words in my comment. I was so excited about how true the contents of this article is, I just started typing. LOL!

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    2. Don’t do it! I am literally experiencing everything a victim should be experiencing, except, my narc is playing the role of the victim. I tell him i am done with him, he says, no you lead me on thinking we could be just friends (i just went along with his terms, i always wanted a proper commitment). Anyways, long story short, do not return the cheap gifts, just donate them or throw them away. Don’t give him any more power

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  16. My Narcisstist ex matches what you have written 100%. And he is the worse case. I have decided to leave after finding out he cheated on me for the nth time and he eventually show his complete ugly true self to me. He moved on with his new gf who is ridiculously 18 yrs old and posted super happy photos on social media and ignore his child. We have a child together and he stopped giving child support. So I raised an order to court against him. But he has no reaction to it upon receiving the letter he didn’t contact me even and still continue love bombing the new supply. Surprisingly they are together for almost 1 year, I discovered about them after they are together for 6 months but it was more like casual between them until I refused to stay and demand to leave him and after I left him he show to me that they are super happy and loving together. I’m still surprised why he doesn’t response to the child support order that I raised. Usually they will rage but his reaction was surprise this time. Btw he blocked me after I did not feed his ego and Narcissitist supply.

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    1. Linda, I feel for you deeply. You are in the thick of it! Narcissist are very intuitive. He knows you wanted a reaction from him so he ignored the court order to flip it and instead, he got a reaction out of you. You’re surprised. Narcissist will hurt you the most by ignoring your child. It’s calculated and deliberate. Your response is normal. Being a mother it’s hard to fathom the father of your child being ignored by their own father. It literally took my narcissistic ex husband about 4 years to come around. Now he’s a decent father. It took lots of manipulation on my part. The unfortunate part is now that you have a child by him, you’re going to have to learn how to deal with him for the next 18 years. I actually have an entire chapter dedicated to this in my upcoming book. For now, the best thing to do is allow him to call and allow him to see the child. Act neutral as if you’re happy for him in his new life with his new girlfriend. Also act as if it doesn’t bother you whether he sees the child or not. He will react to your nonchalant attitude with a sudden eagerness to see the child. And if he doesn’t so be it. Work with the court to get support for your child. Love yourself and that baby. Focus on being a great mom. He will come around as a father later, don’t wait around for him. Live your best life!

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      1. Hi Janell, thank you for your reply it makes me understand further. Btw I really wanted no contact with him anymore cause I guessed he is one of the worst kind among the Narcisstist which I’m feeling too exhausted handling him and seriously mentally abused by him which I want to escape so badly. Being along for this couple of months make me think alot and recovered. But I just feel so unfair as the two of them are enjoying their life shamelessly, not forgetting to tell you that the woman know about my presence and is out to snatch him and asked him to stop providing us with child support too and she is happily and arrogantly showing every one she won and posting social media non stop. Of cos I know all this are fake images she set up trying to let ppl assume that they are very happy but I still get affected by it although I know the scam behind all this. And nobody know the dirty shit they are up to and this really make me want to go to social media and expose all their true face and shit. I really feel they need some one to give them some lesson because they have never fall in life before to feel it. Do you think I should go ahead? I feel the victim shouldn’t be the one always suffering we should fight back before more victims fall in the Narcisstist’s hand.

        And I want to get your book where can I buy it?

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      2. Be cautious. Exposing a narcissist can be dangerous. I know how you feel. You want people to know about him what you know about him. Honestly, the narcissist biggest fear is to be exposed! So if you expose them expect immediate revenge on their part. Playing with Fire is dangerous. Since you mentioned he’s one of the most dangerous narcs, I’d hold off on that for now. The best way to expose a narcissist is in court. Record the awful things he says, text messages, etc and keep that evidence safe. When the time is right use that evidence to protect yourself or your child. I think you should focus on yourself and your kid right now. I know it’s hard because narcissist put our minds in a matrix that’s hard to get out. Meditate, listen to powerful affirmations and do the work of reframing your mind to be stronger.

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      3. I’m not doing the exposure other people will do it and tell the true story. But I’m not sure if he will just point finger at me because as we know Narcisstist need to rage on his supply or a person when they are angry.

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  17. Dear Author I really need an advice on why he react this way which is unusual. And any advice on Child support issue with a Narcissist? 🙂

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  18. Thank you. This article matches very much what happened to me. I was controlled then used, abused, and refused. What’s weird was she told me most everything she was going to do. But i was so crazy head over heels and sick i stayed. It was a 4 year intense relations with a extreme narcissist ending 6 months ago (I started getting very sick and went back West and never returned). What a roller coaster of mind fucking the long ordeal was ( Excuse me, I don’t curse much but this is an understatement). She took my brain out and used it as a yoyo. Extreme Narcissist with glam. I took it hook, line, and sinker. Swallowed the bait. I’m more of an empath. But PTSD and adult attachment disorder disabled me to the point I missed the red flags. And I became a desperate dependent. Not a strong position. Yes, don’t get in relations with a Narc or get out fast as you can. Yes, don’t fall head over heels until you know the person. She had me completely convinced I was a problem (because of PTSD and adult attachment disorder and a compassionate empath with low self esteem blames themselves for everthing). Until I freaked out. My inner guide and survival instincts came out and screamed at her. She, the monster, didn’t like that. The good thing is I somehow survived. And it forced me to face my extreme low self esteem. Very destructive to myself type of low self esteem. Men are supposed to be strong and in control. It’s taken me about 45 years to give a dang about myself. After a serious head injury at age 8 when I was shamed and neglected rather than loved and healed. Then not supported through 45 years of headaches, dizzy spells, Ptsd, depression, and dissociation from life and people as a result. And several more serious injuries due to the headaches, dizziness, and low sel esteem. Naturally I was seduced and completely won over by this person (extreme low self esteem is extremely attracted to extreme narc). So, yes, know thyself and LOVE thyself is essential. Though some tidbits of help came from outside the healing needs to come from inside. Blessings and health.

    Liked by 1 person

  19. Best article on how to deal with narcissists assholes. Mine left home to “think” when I busted his false mask and told
    him “enough”. He was controlling my part pension and when I asked him leave a fortnight worth of balance in the joint account for “food”. He was upset and told me off. That I don’t understand, etc, etc. I have a much higher IQ than him. Before that, I left him when he threatened to punch me on the face on false accusation – projected to me what he was doing, being greedy and money controlling freak. Now he wants to be just “friends” and without hard feelings. Only now I realized he was grooming two women in my face and was setting up a place for his escape with my money. When I told him, after 40 years you will change? I just laughed and am moving on. Illusions no more.

    Liked by 1 person

  20. “It goes nowhere and nowhere is the perfect destination to strive for when dealing with a crazy asshole pretending to be normal.”

    Ahaha this post made me feel so good, I even told him yesterday he’s having a psychotic episode of amnesia just to get a fight with me and blame me for it, without reading articles about his condition. It was just so obvious he tries to ruin my NYE, the same way he did with my birthday, name days or any other special day for me, that I saw it coming for weeks now and when he did try to create a drama so he can feed off of the negative energy, he got a huge surprise. Especially because it was only a few days ago that he made me cry, shiver and sweat while fighting, so I think he didn’t see that coming. Heck, even I did not see this coming! I am so full of the narc shit that there is no emotion left for him, not even anger or exasperation. Indeed I found it all laughable, glad to see I finally got the right way to treat this low type forms of life.
    Thanks a million for this post, it feels like you understand me so well! Wish you good luck in the future, may you have only positive experiences which for sure you deserve after being through the narc’s hell long enough to be able to learn from it and help others.

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  21. Thank you very much for the information.
    I have been in a marriage with a narcissist for 9 years and I have always question his behavior and never come up with the answer until now.
    On Christmas Eve I found out that he has be cheating and when I confronted him he tried to throw the blaim on me by bringing up things from 5years ago and when I refuse to accept his lies he come asking me to forgive him and he is sorry and he promised it will never happen again.
    When I refuse to believe him he gone in his silence mode.
    I understand the games he is playing so I am totally not taking him on.
    My plan is to leave the marriage and get a divorce from him and and get some help for myself. Thanks again

    Liked by 1 person

  22. You’re the first person writing about narcissists who has mentioned the weird little smile. The weird little smile used to really bother me, but I couldn’t prove there was something off with it.

    My recent ex used to get this weird little smile on his face whenever he was promising something like that we’d do something which usually never materialized. The last time I saw him I asked, “what’s with the fishy smile?” He broke up with me a week later because I didn’t want to do something sexually that he had proposed – supposedly for my pleasure. He had told me he loved me only an hour or so before bringing that up, getting really angry, refusing to understand my viewpoint, then calling me manipulative and then telling me “I don’t want this relationship anymore”. Anyway, I was really confused for the first few days, blew up his phone with messages acting him why he suddenly did that, etc. I had no idea he was a narcissist because I had only seen the aggressive out of control kind who is violent and crazy, and thought they were the only kind there are.

    Then I just stopped contacting him. Stopped using facebook or any way he could reach me aside from calling. (I don’t know how to block that but I knew he wasn’t likely to call since he is too proud). I don’t understand him at all and I guess I never will. Mostly I feel relieved, occasionally I feel sad, but usually it is more of a sadness for myself, for the person I was back when I met him, who thought he was really my friend and someone who ‘got’ me, and as well as regret because of all the important moments he stole from me by fucking my mood over at important times (like when my dad was dying, every time I visited my dying mother, my mother’s memorial service, etc.) and the experiences I missed out on – and still do because I turned into an extreme introvert who is afraid to venture out and meet new people.

    The idea of seeing him again even for a few minutes sends my heart-rate through the roof, and I feel incredibly anxious. Since he is the one who broke up with me, does this mean I am off the hook and don’t have to worry about him bothering me anymore? We were “together” for 7 years, though the relationship was always hot and cold, and was pretty much exactly as you described above, except he never said anything really mean to me – did some slightly mean practical joke/ teasing things a few times, used to mock me lightly at times, but didn’t ever insult me.

    I would like to think it is over, and I am finally free, but don’t want to get too comfortable if this is only a temporary reprieve. I don’t know if the 7 years is a good sign or a bad sign. On the one hand I think he is bored with me and my fuel finally and ready to move on, on the other hand, seven years is really long, and I am afraid that he considers me a permanent fixture and fuel supply in his life and this is not permanent and more his attempt at punishing me for not agreeing to what he wanted. I need to be prepared if he does resurface. What should I expect, or am I home free?

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  23. Ok. You have just explained my ex to a tee. Because he has done EVERYTHING YOU explained. Long story short he’s always flirting with other women online ECT. I catch him in lies constantly. And in pretty sure he is in a relationship now with one of the women he was luring about. They go to concerts together ECT. He claims all over facebook in lieing and making up stories. That im dilusional. Well anyways this has been goingvon for years. Then the past year he has gotten worse since hes met her. He swears nothing is going on and talks all kinds of crap about me on his wall . And him and his friends that dont even know him that well. Women who have only known him for a year. Well everything has gotten way worse. The argument before last is because of her and them flurting with eachother on facebook. Ge said dont contact me anymore i never want to see or hear from you again. So a week went by no contact between either of us. So the day after christmas i decided to go on facebook and check what hes aying only to see hes playing victim. Then tells one of his female friends that he is lonely but would like someone to hang out with. FEMALE. but mind you that this is the person who’s friends with the one in having these insecurities with, because I found out that he had taken her out to lunch a couple of times after he denied it in my fn face. These guys go to shows together ” the group” well anyways I saw that comment got hurt and called him crying and screaming at him. The first words out of his mouth were. SM” So now you call” anyways he came over and the argument got physical with him grabbing me and getting in my face like a crazy person. My head hit a cement wall ECT. The neighbors called the police and they put a emergency protection order on him. Because he left. The last thing he said to me was in going to go be with someone right now and this is after he told me yes! I do want a femalevto hangbout with.” You bitch too much”I wanted to hurt him. I ran after him and swung the gatebopen at him which made him come after me again to throw me into another wall. On the 2nd of January his firmer roommate came into my work to serve me restraining order papers from him. Im am so hurt. My heart is broken. I won’t go on his facebook because I don’t want to hurt myself even more. So what happens now? That tells me he doesn’t ever want to see me again. I have went down and filed for a temporary restraining order. But in still hurt that he is placing one on me. I know this is the end.

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  24. When you block a narcissist from your life, it comes with so many benefits. The N cannot give you the silent treatment any more and cannot bask in the delight of ignoring you if they are blocked! It’s not about revenge, it is about self preservation and not throwing any more good time after bad.

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  25. All this information is sooooo awesome and sooooo true. I just dumped a Narc straight on “his ass” for almost everything in this so, can really relate. This is the real thing! Confirms everything! Thank you

    Like

  26. No one could have ever made me believe that the letter I’m about to write would actually one day be written. I was the world’s biggest skeptic. I never believed in magic spells or anything like that, but I was told by a reliable source (a very close co-worker) that Dr Mack is a very dedicated, gifted, and talented person, and after much “cajoling,” she (my co-worker) got me to visit email DR_MACK@ YAHOO .COM. It was one of the best things I have ever done. My love life was in shambles; I had been through two divorces and was on the brink of a third. I just couldn’t face another divorce, and I wanted to try harder to make our relationship work, but my husband didn’t seem to care. So, with nothing but my pride to lose, I checked it out. I was flabbergasted. Dr Mack is for REAL. He did whatever magic he does, and lo and behold – not more than TWO DAYS later, I had my husband back! It was like a miracle! He suddenly wanted to go to marriage counseling, and we’re doing very, very well, on the road to recovery! Love and Many Blessings Back to You!_🙂..🙏

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  27. One day down. I did it. Five years….and I now have PTSD. It’s not normal. Its fucking creepy and sad. I have been through hell. I became another person. I was called every name in the book. I was thrown out of house at two to be called next day to suck him off. I would be on way there and he would text….maybe tomorrow lol. He would throw affairs on me. Compare me. During sex tell me how his ex liked it. I was abused. I was mentally played with for his pleasure. He would tell me how ugly i am yet next day tell me how he wants to hold me. I would be told he’s blocking me….and do it for the whole night. Lol in morning. I would be told i was nothing and going no where. My child was called retarded daily. No one would replace him. He would tell me to hang myself and save my son. He wanted my death. Smash my face in pavement. Next day he can’t live without me. We will be together forever. I can’t wrap up five years. But i know that a man like this deserves nothing. What he has done to me is not normal. A girl he has a affair with came around after years apparently. He would tell me how he’s with her. Leave me and say he’s with Steff now and not answer. No reason. None. He would hurt me using her for months. I went to her only to find out she hasn’t talked to him. I have texts of him telling me she was there. How i couldn’t compare to her. How i smell. How she gives good blows. Only to find out all this time wasn’t true. Mind fuck. I swear on my sons life I’m done. Police are now involved. I had to. I can’t go back. So far no word. And over my dead body will i go back.

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    1. Love, light and power be with you dear sister. NEVER.GO.BACK! You’re strong, worthy of your own love, time and attention. Give yourself back to yourself. May the most high heal you and make you whole.

      Like

  28. What happens when it’s your son that is a narcissist. .or at least I think that is what he is. According to his actions and what I’ve read he is. He is 29 still living at home and believes we owe him. “Everything”
    And yes part of this is my fault.if not all of it..I always felt sorry for him. He is also my grandson whom we adopted. Things have gotten worse now that we have cut back his supply of money..to the point that he has acted aggressive towards his dad to the point of breaking his nose. Cops where called but my son knows how to work it so the cops didn’t do anything. .he hits himself in the face and puts a gun to his head threatens to kill him self. It’s a nightmare. And I don’t know what to do or how to handle it. I fear for my husband and myself. How do we just up and leave.
    Is there any help we can give to my son. I have even thought on trying to him committed for a 72 hour evaluation, but even that scares me because once he is out I’m sure he will retaleate..can’t go and stay with my other son because i dont want to bring this problem into his life.
    What do we do just move with out him knowing. Leave everything we have ..I’m at a loss.

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  29. Reading this article has gave me a little hope as its not my partner that is the issue its my mom’s boyfriend, she has been with him for years now, hes finally moved in after years of being in a relationship, I thought I hated him then, but hes moved in now and its been 6 months of hell on earth. I am in my mid 20’s and I am looking to move out with my partner (Asap!). Out of the house he is a very introvert person, polite listens more than talks. In the house its a different kettle of fish!, he can show a more generous side like offering to help out but he will not let you forget it. He is very controlling about almost everything, likes to have the power and say of what goes and has put down the rules from the night he moved in!. He is patronizing in the way he speaks, makes me feel stupid all the time, treats me like a child even though I am 25 and have a job and bills to pay!. My mom unfortunately cannot see any wrong in him even though he makes here question herself and makes her the butt of all hes jokes, they have there arguments hear and there but overall the man cannot do no wrong. I have questioned myself a lot thinking “am i just over reacting?”, but It irritates me to the point I let my anger build up ( because i do not want to push my mom away) and when he does infuriate me I let rip on my anger and I am always to blame, and always end up apologizing. He follows my mom round the house to the point we are moving room to room just to have a private conversation and he is outside the door listening! and the best thing is my mom thinks that is normal!?. I feel that I am losing who I am, I feel physically drained, almost like i have lost my sense of humor?. My partner feels my pain and I have her to confine in, as an outsider she can see straight through him, he has taken a dis like to her as she is quite a bubbly out going person which he has proven to not like. I am trying to stay focused on my goals and my future first being to move out and start my own adventure, but its a long way off yet and in the mean time reading this article does help a lot to understand and find ways to try and let go of the anger I feel towards him and how my mom has to make her own choices.

    Thank you for reading.

    Like

  30. Reading this helps and I know I am not alone on this. I left and divorced my narc ex-wife October 2017 but she still can’t leave me alone. Unfortunately I have to deal with her some because we have a child together. She still sends emails out of the blue about how “great” we were. I never respond to any of these “positive” emails and when I do not, she then sends me walls of emails bashing that I am a terrible father and how she should take my son from me. I cannot deal with her but I am not letting her have my son 100% but it is very stressful and I feel like I am all alone.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Female narcissist are notorious for threatening to withhold their children from their fathers. Make sure you download an app on your phone to record conversations, screen shot and save threatening text messages as well. You’ll need as much evidence as possible if it comes down to fighting for parental rights. The sad part is female narcissist don’t care that I’m doing all this their hurting their child the most. A total disregard for the well-being of the child which instinctually should be the priority for a mentally healthy woman. Thanks for sharing, I’ll write a blog specifically addressing this issue. It affects so many men I know😢

      Like

  31. Amazing article! I really hope more people become aware of these mental power plays and what they entail. I wonder if narcissists are often or always sociopaths?

    Like

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