Why is it that people continue to buy products made of toxins? Well, if you ask me, once a solution is identified as toxic, it takes a willing participant to sit around and inhale the toxic fumes until a poison has manifested into their body.
Are you ignoring those neon orange warning labels? I played with fumes for six years of my life and then when I finally got sick, I went from risk taker to playing the victim role real quick! Funny how we treat our hearts like experiments at a lab. We know when something is bad but we want to see if the love we give is enough to change it. Unfortunately, what ends up happening is that we begin to change. Usually not for the better, but for the worse.
My point is, I was an enabler. My self-esteem was riding on a cheap bet. I put my heart on the crap table and lost it all. I needed a man who damn near hated me so that I could prove his own hatred towards me was wrong. I wanted to be a hero of sorts who could turn something dead into something alive. I guess I was trying to be like Jesus Christ. What was I saving? Nothing really. I just wanted to see roses bloom in a field of sewage. I’ve always been a dreamer.
The toxic relationship I manifested into my life was out of an obsession to turn bad into good. I was born into hostile environments that I continuously had to convince myself were good. Sometimes, we have to tell ourselves lies to stay alive, even though what we are protecting is acid rain pouring from green skies. It wasn’t until that one night, I looked in the mirror at a distorted reflection of myself and cried. Why did I waste half my life trying to save people who wanted to die?
If you are in a toxic relationship there is a way out. First of all, you need to let go of your need to control. As cliche’ as it sounds we cannot control others. Their behavior will stay the same until they decide to change. Your efforts are futile, give it a rest. Love is not a competition to see who you can GET to love you. Love is about accepting love that is freely given to you. Toxic relationships are for those who are in love with pain.
By Janell Hihi