Narcissists don’t talk, or communicate: they fend off, hide and evade” Sam Vaknin
Have you ever called a guy you were dating to share some very exciting news?
When he answers the phone he’s excited to hear from you. However, when you share with him your excitement for landing a book deal, or getting that promotion at work, suddenly his tone changes. He’s no longer excited, instead, he is disinterested and bored!
A narcissist doesn’t care about anything significant in your life. It’s torture to even have to listen to anything you do that is outside of your relationship with them.
You are nothing but an extension of them and if you’re not adoring them, praising them, or making plans to see them, they don’t care about what your rambling about.
Some narcissist will even make up a reason to abruptly end the phone call with you as soon as you tell them the good news. This is their passive-aggressive way to tell you that you don’t matter. Instead of saying,”Congratulations, let’s get together sometime this week and celebrate!” The narcissist will respond by saying, “oh, okay!” Then quickly change the subject to something that revolves around them.
This is a covert, and passive-aggressive way to tell you that you are still insignificant to them, despite your accomplishments.
Other narcissists will respond, “Oh, good for you!” Which basically means they want you to stop talking about yourself and start talking about them or your relationship.
Narcissist Dismiss Everything you say that is not about them as “Trivial.” Even if you just left a funeral and your grieving a loved one. They don’t want to hear your sad stories.
Below are 5 communication techniques Narcissist use to reduce you:
#1. They cut you off mid-sentence. A narcissist won’t let you finish a complete sentence because, in their self-centered little world, everything they have to say is more important than listening to you finish a thought. There is a difference between talking to a hyper person who is excited to exchange dialogue with you who cuts you off and a narcissist who cuts you off to change the course of the conversation and make it about them. Example: You are telling the narcissist about a difficult co-worker at your job and they cut you off in the middle of your story and begin to tell you a story about a job they had in the past with difficult co-workers.
#2. They begin to multi-task when you start talking. Since the narcissist finds no value in listening to you unless you’re talking about them, they start to multi-task while your speaking. They do this by getting on their cell phone, updating statuses on social media, texting friends or watching TV as you try to communicate to them something important to you. Again, this is a passive aggressive way to tell you that they don’t care about anything you have to say, ever!
#3. Narcissist Repeat themselves often & Talk in Circles. The narcissist never has anything new to say because a narcissist doesn’t like to think outside of the box. They run on an internal and predictable script and they respond to things with the same dialogue quite often. They tell the same stories over and over again. They don’t care how many times you’ve heard it, they tell the story like they are telling it for the very first time. The story is about them being a hero or a victim depending on what kind of reaction the narcissist needs from you at that particular time. This shouldn’t come as a surprise because self-centered people are not good conversationalist. This is because they only engage in mutual dialogue when the conversation revolves around them.
#4. Avoids Conversations that Involve Confrontation. Since most narcissists are passive-aggressive, when you try to talk to them about something they did or said to hurt you, they try to avoid that conversation by any means necessary. They often say, “I can’t talk about it right now because… I’m busy, I have a headache or I’m tired.” They will keep making excuses not to talk to you to avoid being called out.
The narcissist doesn’t participate in real conversations with people to avoid intimacy, understanding, and problem solving that effective communication in relationships requires. If it is not a superficial conversation, the narcissist will do his/her best to avoid it.
#5. Deflects blame unto you. The narcissist will use reverse psychology to blame everything you accuse them of doing on you! Gaslighting is also put into the mix as you begin to feel like you are the crazy one because the narcissist keeps saying you are making things up in your head. Every conversation that involves you confronting the narcissist on an issue will leave you questioning your own sanity because they are so good at gaslighting and deflecting blame.
Below are a few examples of gaslighting and deflection in conversation:
“I cheated because you know how important sex is to me and you were purposely withholding it from me.”
“I hit you because you made me hit you. I kept telling you I didn’t want to talk and you kept talking.”
“I’ll help you fix your car this time, but your an adult. I want a woman who is independent who doesn’t need anything from me because she can do it herself.”
“If you can’t come over tonight, it just goes to show how much you really love and care about me.”
“I stood you up yesterday because I knew if I would of went to the event with you, I would have been miserable the whole time because you’re always accusing me of things I don’t do.”
“You are crazy.”
“I don’t do relationship titles”
“I didn’t answer your phone call last night because I didn’t want to argue with you. I needed a break, you’re always nagging me and giving me a hard time.”
“I’m not ready to take the next step in our relationship until you stop being negative and starting arguments with me.”
“I am not your ex-lover, I won’t cheat on you. Stop blaming me for your exes mistakes.”
In closing, real conversations with a narcissist will never take place. They avoid confrontation or deflect and gaslight their ways out of tough conversations that are necessary for the survival of your relationship.
By Janell Hihi Copyright@2017