The Danger of Gay Men Who Are Afraid to Come Out & How They Affect Families, Communities & Children

United We Stand
United We Stand

Using the national census, Gallup polls, Facebook, dating sites and porno searches, a study from The New York Times estimates that at least 5% of American men are gay, while many are in the closet or quietly suffering in heterosexual marriages — particularly in traditionally conservative states.

I support the freedom of sexuality. I support Gay marriage. I support equality for all.

However, what I do not support is bi-sexual men, not disclosing their sexuality to straight and single heterosexual woman.

I’ve heard countless stories from friends and clients who were married to men who they discovered were down low brothers.

In case you’ve been living under a rock for the last decade, allow me to define what a “Down Low Brother,” is. It’s a gay man who is afraid to come out of the closet and just be gay!

Down low men use heterosexual women as props to uphold the image that they are not gay in public. However, these men don’t love these women and they typically cheat with multiple male gay partners to indulge their true gay sexuality.

This is manipulative, narcissistic, scandalous and dangerous considering the diseases these unsuspecting heterosexual women are being exposed to.

I am very disappointed in the LGBT community for not starting a campaign to address this highly problematic issue to their community.

Instead of encouraging members of the LGBT community that it is their responsibility, to be honest, and disclose their sexuality, the LGBT community plays the victim role and blames our homophobic society for the reason Gay men are afraid to come out of the closet.


A “large number” of gay men are married to women. Google searches suggest millions of wives suspect their husbands of being gay. Especially those who live in very conservative states.

In the United States, of all Google searches that begin “Is my husband…,” the most common word to follow is “gay.” “Gay” is 10 percent more common in such searches than the second-place word, “cheating.” It is 8 times more common than “an alcoholic” and 10 times more common than “depressed.” The states with the highest percentage of women asking this question are South Carolina and Louisiana. In fact, in 21 of the 25 states where this question is most frequently asked, support for gay marriage is lower than the national average.

I often hear excuses like, “The black community is too homophobic, it’s dangerous to come out of the closet.” or My family won’t understand, my father would disown me.

The absolute worst excuse for not coming out is, “I am afraid to hurt my wife, girlfriend or children.”

Everyone is responsible for sexual transparency. Gay men do not get a free pass just because they are afraid to come out. If you are secretly gay and living a lie, you are intentionally hurting other people and you should be held accountable for your actions.

If a man is Gay, and he does not disclose his sexuality to the women he is dating, married to or in a relationship with, he should be held legally accountable for that.


As far as black women are concerned, since black men tend to hide their Gay sexuality on a larger scale, I would even go as far as saying if your going to get married, add a clause in your marriage contract if you find out your husband is hiding the fact that he is Gay or Bi-sexual.

If you find out while you’re married he’s been lying about his sexuality, he should be sued for everything he has! All property, assets and even alimony should be rewarded to the spouse who has to bear the cost of the hurt, pain, and betrayal of being married to a down low brother.

The issue I have is that Gay people believe that once they come out, they should get a damn reward or something, regardless of who they’ve been lying to their whole life and who they betrayed in the process of keeping their real sexuality a secret. I call it the Caitlin Jenner affect.

Why should anyone be rewarded for lying about who they really are their ENTIRE LIFE?

The character of a person is important despite their sexual orientation. If you are a lying, cheating, down low brother, you are not a good person! Being afraid to come out of the closet is no excuse for being a liar!

I recently met a guy who I believe is secretly gay. He won’t come out because he’s an asshole. It has nothing to do with him being afraid of coming out.

His mother suspects he is gay, and she even asked him. Of course, he denied it. He continues to battle with his own sexuality more than likely sleeping with both men and women in the process.

Exposing women to HIV, carelessly while selfishly getting sex from both genders. These types of people should be prosecuted by the law, just like a person who knows they have AIDS and sleeps with people without disclosing that information upfront.

We need to start holding down low brothers accountable for their selfish actions instead of feeling sorry for them. To all my gay friends who are proud of their sexuality and will tell you in 1.2 seconds, they are Gay with no shame or remorse, I commend you. 

Not to mention, Gay men who are married to women and have children literally devastate their kids with their sudden bravery to come out of the closet.


Had they been honest from the beginning, there would be no marriage and no kid to hurt! I am not sure how kids recover from the betrayal of their fathers. It’s devastating to find out your father was hiding such a big part of himself from you.

Openly gay people are honest, courageous and overall good people of good character. I have to respect that. But for those afraid to come out who are lying to single, heterosexual women while exposing them to disease and heartbreak, I am coming for you and my wrath is not made of pity but rather the highest form of prosecution the law can uphold against you!

Be yourself, trust me, many people already suspect that you are gay, so coming out won’t surprise as many people as you think it will.

By Janell Hihi Copyright@2016

6 thoughts on “The Danger of Gay Men Who Are Afraid to Come Out & How They Affect Families, Communities & Children

  1. How is it the responsibility of the LGBT community to prevent closeted gay or lesbian people from marrying a straight person? It’s not as if there is a list of them. They have no more idea who they are than straight spouses do. If we want these marriages to stop, then we – straight people – have to make it plain and state it loud and clear that it’s OK to be gay, and the closeted gay people have to hear it from us. Calling them “assholes” isn’t going to encourage anyone to come out; you’ll just create more closet cases that way. The real assholes are the homophobic church leaders and politicians and teachers and neighbors who make it unsafe for a gay person to accept himself. Shut down the homophobic bullies, they’re the ones who cause these marriages to happen. They encourage gay people to act straight, date and marry a straight person. They reward them for it. Why aren’t you angry at them?


    1. Ever notice how African American people are always told to “Go fix your broken communities” As if black communities aren’t a part of America… as if black problems are not American problems… as if ghettos aren’t a part of systematic housing discrimination still rampant today if you look at the stats and astronomical number of lawsuits against banks…. that’s how the LGBT Community who like to compare themselves to the black struggle, can go “control” the closeted gays who mislead their families.


    2. It is very easy to point to church leaders, politicians etc. it is blame shifting. We all need to accept ourselves during our life time with all our character flaws and highlights and homosexual persons too have this task of looking within self. They have an extra dimension of work to do and being an honest human being is the challenge for all of us. If they are victims what then are the straight spouses???


  2. OK, but two wrongs don’t make a right. You’re turning this into a contest now of who is more aggrieved and who is less aggrieved. African American people are mistreated and marginalized, and LGBT people are also mistreated and marginalized. Don’t turn this into a comparison of who gets it worse. The common enemy here is not each other, the common enemy is the racism, the homophobia, the bigotry and the stigmas in the larger society around us. It makes no sense for one downtrodden group to turn on another downtrodden group. That’s what keeps the evil people in power: they get the underlings to fight each other instead of joining forces against them. It’s not fair to the African American community to tell them to clean up their communities when they didn’t create them, and it’s also not fair to tell LGBT people it’s their fault these marriages happen when LGBT people have been working hard to convince other gay people to come out and fight the homophobia. You and I are on the same side, at least, that’s how I see it. I hope you do too.


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