When Your Husband Resents Taking Care of You: The Silent Abuse Stay at Home Mother’s Endure.

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The share of mothers who do not work outside the home rose to 29% in 2012, up from a modern-era low of 23% in 1999, according to a new Pew Research Center analysis of government data.

Stay at home mothers is on the rise again. Considering the cost of daycare, women are left with no other choice.

I recently hosted a baby shower for my niece and of course, when women get together, we talk! The conversation started out between me and two of my sisters, and as others overheard the topic, they began to chime in.

The dialogue was both informative and emotional. Complaints turned into tears and stories were shared among all women involved from various age groups. We were underappreciated, undervalued and disrespected at some point in our lives for being stay at home mothers.

It’s as if men can’t seem to make up their minds if they want miss independent or a caring stay at home mother who makes her family her job.

We came to the conclusion that most men want both. We also came to the conclusion that we are trying to live up to that unrealistic fairytale and we are damn near killing ourselves in the process.

Where do we draw the line? 

The berated stay at home mom syndrome is a silent, insidious abuse that many women endure on a daily basis.

This type of abuse is a sensitive subject because in most cases, the financially dependent women who is at home taking care of the kids is afraid to speak out because her livelihood depends on it.

She knows if she speaks up or gets out of line, her man who keeps threatening to leave will actually leave. The fear of him leaving her out in the cold with no job or resources usually keeps her tongue in knots. Nothing silences a woman more than fear.

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Some men use their financial power over stay at home mothers to abuse them. They do this by constantly pointing out that the stay at home mother has no job, therefore she has no say so, and no power to make any substantial decisions in the relationship.

Financial abuse is abuse, plain and simple. A man does not have to put his hands on you to abuse you. Instead, he can use his mind to manipulate you, shame you, and put you in a situation where you are continuously pregnant, at home and unable to work, just so he can berate you and blame you for being unemployed and not contributing “Financially.”

The mere act of a woman staying home to raise her children saves the family money instantly. Homemade meals, no daycare bills and decreased anxiety most working parents experience is more than a contribution within itself.

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Forced Family

In this situation, the woman is essentially pregnant every other year of the relationship, ensuring that she will never have the chance to return to work. Depending on her earning power, with the birth of each child, the cost of childcare makes it impossible to return to work.

To really know a man’s character, depend on him for something and see how he reacts! Does he willingly help with entusiasm? Or is he reluctant and makes a comment about how much he loves “Independent” women?

Some men go so far as to call stay at home mothers lazy!

If you ever sat at home with an infant and a toddler, you would know that taking care of children 24/7 is the most exhausting work in the world.

When a stay at home mom wants to vent to you, give her your undivided attention and listen. Stay at home mom’s live with a guilt influenced by society but mainly the man who works day in, and day out, and comes home complaining that she doesn’t have a job.

Imagine being a woman and feeling guilty about staying home and raising your kids while your man is at work? Imagine feeling worthless for being a parent? Now imagine being called lazy for taking care of your children and running your own household?

Most stay at home moms suffering from financial abuse believe that they should feel “Lucky,” to have the privilege to stay at home despite the fact that they are being called lazy and living under highly critical and controlling circumstances.

They feel as if they don’t deserve to complain just because they are not working. This couldn’t be further from the truth. I keep hearing these women say, “Well, he works hard to provide for me so I can’t really complain when he get’s frustrated and yells at me.”

When abuse is justified by the victim, it’s very sad to listen to.

Beware of the man who NEVER appears to be satisfied.

Financially abusive men cannot comprehend the meaning of a partnership. Their understanding of a marriage is elementary. They believe building a life with someone is equivalent to finding a roommate in college. He believes what’s mines is mines and what’s yours is yours. This separatist ideology is the reason this type of man has a hard time maintaining relationships.

If a married man feels like his wife and kids are “living off of him,” he hasn’t quite grasped the concept that the “I” turns into a “We” when he decides to start a family. 

The same man who complains that his wife is living off of him, is the same man who appears to be overly protective of his children. When the wife offers to update her resume’ and start looking for a job, all of a sudden her husband has a problem with daycares.

He asks, “Who will be taking care of my children while you’re at work? I don’t trust daycares!” 

Of course, his confusing, contradicting demands leave her feeling hopeless and unable to find a solution to her husband’s incessant bitching and complaining.

To ensure that he maintains control over his wife, the financially abusive man will purposely get his wife pregnant again as soon as she starts to look for a job. This ensures that if she is offered a job, she will have to quit eventually when the baby is born or go on maternity leave.

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“Every Penny Spent Is A Penny Tracked

Every penny, and I mean every penny must be accounted for when given to the woman in this relationship. If it cannot be accounted for then the emotional and even physical abuse ensues and consequences are handed out. This may involve being given less money for basic necessities or being forced to beg for money. The feeling of being trapped in the house with no money for gas, food or transportation is crippling and women in this type of relationship stick to this rule or they know they will suffer the consequences.” By Ginger Dean.

The stay at home mom lives in confusion and spends many sleepless nights lying awake trying to make sense of the endless contradictions. Her man was loving and supportive when he expressed his interest in building a big family together. He even told her he wants her to be the type of mother who raises her own kids. He wanted a wife who took pride in her role as a mother and homemaker and who kept the house clean and cooked a homemade dinner every night.

However, when he found out his fairytale would soon be shattered by the reality that on some days, despite her being home with the kids all day long, the house would still be messy, and sometimes ordering a pizza was all she had the energy to do. When he realized she would suffer from depression, be in a bad mood when he got home on certain occasions or wanted to meet her friends for happy hour on a Tuesday evening after he came home from work, is when he began to complain.

Taking care of the house and caring for the kids is not a real job to most men. As a result of this kind of backward thinking, many men feel resentful for fitting the bill for their entire household. But wait, isn’t that the man’s role? Or is it both parent’s role to provide financially and take care of the kids equally?

I noticed that generational cultural changes have given women more opportunities than ever to work and also provide for their families. However, it appears men still want to hold on to gender roles based upon the ideology of Patriarchy too. In other words, they want their cake and eat it too.

So, when it’s time to pay the bills he wants an “Independent women,” but when it’s time to wash the dishes, give Charlie a bath and take Melissa to gymnastics, he wants a woman who takes pride in performing the duties as a mother!

Men today want women to work full-time and pay half of the bills, be an awesome mother who does most of the parenting which includes taking time off work to take the kids to doctor appointments, soccer practice, and birthday parties.

He also wants her to make it home in time to prepare a healthy, homecooked meal, give the kiddos a bath, help them with their homework and tuck them into bed by 8:30pm while he gets to chill on the sofa with a beer after he gets off of work.

That doesn’t appear fair to me at all! Ladies, most of you are getting played trying to do everything. Learn how to delegate responsibilities and make everything 50/50. That includes household chores and tending to the children.

It’s no wonder, women are dying of heart disease and heart attacks at an alarming rate, now more than ever in history!

The stay at home mom is literally verbally attacked when she stands up for herself and asks for a break from the children. Many men say things like, “You need a break from what? You don’t have a job, you stay at home all day with the kids.”

Many men have the audacity to say that they are being used because they have to pay all the bills. Perhaps they should do more research and look up the prices of daycare for 2 or 3 children. Most Americans would spend their entire salary on daycare if there were not women willing to stay home and raise their kids.

If you are suffering from stay at home mom “Financial Spousal Abuse,” you are not alone. Many women are suffering in silence. Verbal and mental abuse is unacceptable. If you are fed up for being held to unrealistic expectations 24/7, switch it up!

Get a job if you can, get back your independence and watch as your man sulks in envy. The contradictory behavior will continue. As soon as you start working hard on a job and somewhat slacking as a parent, your man will start to complain that all you do is work and you don’t pay attention to your kids.

You will never win with some men… there will always be some taste of dissatisfaction on his bitter tongue. Damned if you do and damned if you don’t!

The unappreciative man will remain unappreciative. He will always find the place in which you lack because he fails to realize perfection will never be accomplished. Ask yourself, is this the kind of man you want to spend the rest of your life with?

I am currently writing a book “The 52 Laws of Maintaining Power in Relationships,” and the most powerful law in the book is to ALWAYS maintain financial independence. In other words, don’t become a stay at home mom unless you know for sure your man will be supportive of it.

Plan ahead and save money before the baby comes so if you need to leave, you can do so without fear of falling into poverty. Being a stay at home mom should be temporary. Never, under any circumstances be a stay at home mom for years on years with an unappreciative, immature man!

He will leave you! Mark my words. To maintain power, attraction, and independence in a relationship, you MUST always have your own money.

Never marry a man who doesn’t understand the meaning of a partnership. If he believes that maintaining his financial independence and personal aims and ambitions is above providing for his family, run towards the nearest exit!

Namaste

By Janell Hihi Copyright@2017

 

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