What happens when you don’t want to give or receive?
Now more than ever, I find myself saying, “If you ever need nothing, I am totally here for you!”
Are you dealing with someone just to get laid? Are you too lazy to put any effort into anyone but yourself and an occasional booty call to get a break from your daily routine of masturbation?
Instead of finding a boyfriend and making a mental, emotional and time consuming commitment, you’d rather opt for the shorter end of the stick that demands nothing of you but an occasional text consisting of the three letters “WYD” or “I’m on my way.”
You are so far removed from vulnerability, emotions and real intimacy that the title of friends with benefits is too heavy? You’d much rather prefer a more emotionless and robotic title for your situation-ship like “Masturbation Assistant.” That’s a lot more fitting considering the superficial circumstances.
In the past I hated overly sarcastic people. I thought that they were passive aggressive with zero courage to tell someone straight up how they really feel about them. That was until I underwent a mass awakening and I realized people don’t want you to be 100 with them.
Every day I use sarcasm to bury deep emotional issues I have because I am stuck in a matrix with people who celebrate acting like everything is always honky fucking dory.
No one wants you to keep it real. Not at work, not in family conflicts or in intimate entanglements. People who sugarcoat their words and use sly ass jokes to tame their internal rage go further in life in every aspect.
Although the further they go, the less authentic the bonds are that they form with others, it all comes down to playing the game. A game I wanted no part of for so long but I find myself surrendering to the older I become.
Being a realist in a world of bullshit is a glitch in the system that torments my soul. I just updated my software and joined the sunshine and rainbows application hoping that magically I can fit in and reap some of the benefits. Maybe if I act like everything will be okay, and think more on the bright side, I’d feel re-energized enough to enter into a real relationship, once in for all.
So far, it’s not working. So far, I’m just okay with being the way I am and I am completely done with trying to convince myself of being any other way then I am in this very moment which is…
Totally spent, exhausted and fatigued from intimate relationships, emotional entanglements and togetherness.
I wrote this blog because sometimes, in the darkest hour of the night I awaken from my slumber totally okay with my loneliness, relieved that I don’t have to share myself with anyone else, and terrified at my own contentment in this place of celebrated emptiness.
Which brings me to the conclusion that maybe relationships aren’t for everybody. Certainly not for me. Not right now, at least!
Before I drifted back into my slumber I realize that there’s no one here taking up half the bed, snoring, breathing like a dragon or taking all the sheets. It’s just me, having me, all to myself.
By Janell Hihi Copyright@2017