I appreciate every comment, question, like and share I receive from my followers. Although I can’t answer every question or reply to every comment, I appreciate everyone taking the time out to reach out, ask questions and share your stories.
Below I will share a question I received from one of my cherished follower regarding narcissism and love bombing.
I thought this question was particularly interesting because love-bombing styles and time frames in which they exist is different for every narcissist.
“Hello, Janell! Is it possible that the love-bombing phase could be so short as to barely be noticeable and that the devaluation could start almost immediately? Also, could a narcissist actively try to drive us away while pretending to want to continue a relationship with us (then ignoring us, restricting contact, dictating what we can and can’t talk to them about)? I am trying so hard to get to a place where I can heal but these questions are preying on my mind because I don’t know if I should be dealing with Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome or something else. This person displays almost all of the characteristics of a narcissist but confounds me in these two ways.”
Let’s define love bombing:
There is no cookie cutter model or exact time-line of how long the narcissist love bombs and when they start to devalue their partner. Typically it’s the first 6 months of the relationship.
However, from my research and personal experience love bombing will last as long as the victim allows the illusion to continue. If for any reason, you begin to assert your boundaries, your expectations and desires, the narcissist will abruptly end the love bombing phase and begin the process of devaluation.
In some instances, love-bombing is part of a long-term pattern of behavior that starts with love bombing and ends in devaluation. As soon as the victim shows signs of leaving the narcissist, he will begin the pattern again. The narcissist will love bomb the victim to pull them back into the relationship, and as soon as they get them back, the devaluation and abuse starts again!
Devaluation is the beginning to the end of your relationship. A narcissist wants a naive’ docile, and passive woman who believes in fairy tales. Most importantly, she must believe everything he says and does without question. The narcissist’s self-esteem is dependent upon whether or not the victim continues to believe in their false self and illusions.
Was there anything that you did to question the narcissist intentions?
If so, please take heed, devaluation games will begin soon. Yes, the narcissist will dictate when you talk to him, when you can see him and what subjects you are allowed to discuss.
One day he will love bomb you and the next he will treat you like you don’t exist. The narcissist wants his victim in a state of confusion so that her mind is blurry and she can’t think straight.
Confusion tends to consume the human mind and people can literally become obsessed with trying to free themselves from the confusion by cognitive dissonance or constant arguments and nagging.
If the narcissist senses that his victim is extremely co-dependent and in desperate need of love and validation they may cut the love bombing phase off after the first few dates and begin to abuse their victim almost immediately.
If one person in the relationship dictates the pace and the terms of the relationship without any input from the other party that is a sure sign of a narcissist who must maintain control of the flow, pace and parameters of the relationship.
Unfortunately, the narcissist will never cease his obsession with control. He will play disappearing acts then suddenly appear out of thin air as if he never left at all to establish complete control over his victim and the relationship.
He is trying to set the standard that he can come and go as he pleases. He will make excuses stating he needs space, he’s an introvert, he works a lot, he doesn’t want to be smothered, he’s stressed or he’s depressed. All are lies to maintain his freedom to keep his options open for other sources of narcissistic supply.
Another important dynamic you should consider is that narcissist who immediately devalues their victims are usually already in a relationship or married and they are looking for a side chick or what some may call a “lower level” source of a supply to keep on the side.
The side supply is not worthy of the love bombing. Therefore, they receive devalue almost immediately!
Typically when the narcissist is devaluing one source of supply he is love bombing another source of supply.
Most narcissist need more than one source of supply. They may be in long term relationships or even marriages but they need back up supply to sustain their sense of superiority and feed their incessant insecurities. It’s no surprise, most narcissist are cheaters!
The narcissist who are not in a relationship or married who devalue their victims right away are bachelors and players. They have a harem of women they recycle throughout the years. These type of narcissist boast about being single and non-committed yet they dangle the carrot of hope in their victims face that maybe one day, if you act right, they might commit to you. Indeed, that day will never come!
Some will even play the victim. Narcissist will go so far that they even cry about how women have hurt them in the past and use that as an excuse not to commit to you and keep you on the back burner to utilize you when they are bored, lonely or horny.
The back and forth, on and off again relationship that’s on his terms is 100% narcissistic. You must ask yourself if you want to continue on interacting with an individual who doesn’t value you enough to allow you to mutually dictate the terms of the relationship.
If you want a partnership this is not the relationship for you.
I wish you the best of luck and most of all, I wish for you to find a partner who respects, cherishes and appreciates all that you have to offer. When you find that man, please send me a message and a wedding picture because I want to share your success story!
By Janell Hihi @copyright 2017