First of all, I want to start this article by stating that I am a product of an interracial marriage.
I refuse to sugarcoat my experience of being mixed race with sunshine and rainbows. Unfortunately, in my experience being mixed and dating outside my race, the bad aspects far outweigh the good.
The constant micro-aggressions experienced while dating interracially, tend to insidiously eat away at your self-esteem feeding an underlying resentment that will fester and eventually explode later in the relationship.
Being a realist, I must point out the pros and cons of being in an interracial relationship but also the number one Fear black people have when dating outside their race. That fear is…
What if the person I am dating is an undercover racist?
I married interracially and dated interracially. For any black man or women who secretly harbors this fear, you are not alone.
In fact, I wouldn’t even call it a Fear. It’s a valid concern.
The reason for this is understanding the difference between being liked and being respected.
Being liked is surface deep, shallow and is dependent on many factors.
For example, you can be liked for the way you look if you’re generally attractive or have a nice body. You can be liked by your employment status, the amount of money you make or a physical attribute that is fetishized… small feet, full lips, big butt or boobs.
However, being respected is a totally different experience altogether. Being respected is the biggest challenge in an interracial relationship.
Everyone in America has negative stereotypical views that are deeply embedded in their Psyche about African Americans whether they admit it or not.
Your interracial mate may think you are different or special but still look down on the rest of the black community as a whole, overall. Doesn’t that make you feel uncomfortable? It should.
It’s unfortunate that this is not discovered right away while dating them. It comes out in moments you least expect when there’s a back handed comment about your hair, a police shooting or black men in general.
The angry black women card will be used in subtle ways to silence you and lower your Defenses. Don’t let it. This is a manipulative trick. Be angry when the situation warrants anger. Don’t numb your emotions to try to evade stereotypes. Fuck that!
Even the most liberal white men has an inner feud with black men. This is to justify in their heads the way black men are treated in general. I dated a white guy I went to high school with and all he dated was black women.
He admitted he had self esteem issues and thought “other” non black women wouldn’t date him. Go figure!
I thought he couldn’t be racist right? He married a black women and has a mixed kid and grew up around black people. I was gravely stupid and naive’
When I took a closer look at his life, all his close friends were white. He had one distant black male friend who he often talked down about.
He even said, “I don’t know what it is. I just don’t have close male black friends!”
That’s when I realized the vendetta is real. Just because some white men are attracted to, date, and marry black women does not mean they are fond of black men.
Donald Sterling and his Biracial girlfriend is the perfect example. Remember he told her despite the fact that she is half black she doesn’t look like it and he wants the world to perceive her as a DELICATE white or Latino women. He said she can hang around with black people in private but not in public! And she cannot bring black people to his games! How dare she embarrass him like that!
As a reminder of his racism towards his black girlfriend he claimed to love… listen to the video below expressing his blatant disregard & jealousy towards black men.
Of course after he made that statement about black men, I vowed not to let him ever meet my black father. You may think there is no harm in that vague statement he made. However, I read between the lines. I can’t help myself, I’m an intuitive empath. Of course, the statement was followed up with negative interactions he’s had with black men as if he never had negative interactions with white men.
I’d also share with him racist interactions I had to deal with at work and he’d give me the infamous blank stare. You know what I’m referring to. Those white friendships we all have where you can talk to them about anything but race. When you do, it’s silence and the blank stare! As if you’re suddenly speaking them to them in a foreign language.
As if racism never existed and doesn’t exist today. As if you were that stupid to ever call this person a friend.
When they don’t believe what you go through as a black person as if you’re delusional and Crazy. These people are narcissist. Let. Them. Go.
Denying another person’s experiences exist is called gas lighting. It’s mental and emotional abuse, plain and simple!
I shared with my ex white boyfriend ongoing issues about being pulled over all the time (driving while black) being arrested for stupid unpaid fines and how much money and aggravation that caused me, he’d respond as if I was a common criminal with little or no empathy towards my plight.
All the while not a day went by that he didn’t tell me he loved me or how beautiful I was.
It was so conflicting and confusing. You must ask yourself if you really want to go through that?
Imagine wanting to vent to your partner about how racism plagues you and your friends daily who responds in disbelief? Or having a partner you have to tip toe around on race issues to be sure you don’t activate their white fragility.
Imagine having to keep what you go through at work and in the world from the Man or women you share a bed with, just to avoid an argument?
Not being able to say what you need to say to your partner without being labeled too sensitive, a victim or worse yet a nagging complaining b%$#!
Is that the life you want? Walking on eggshells pretending black issues don’t matter to you while at the same time being grossly affected by those issues in your daily life? Can you be happy living in that duplicity?
It is vastly difficult to be pro-black (and pro-black does not mean anti-white, it means doing something to improve the black community) and be in an interracial relationship. Especially if you’re a black women dating a white man.
They simply won’t put up with you loving yourself and fighting for the plight of your people while being married to them. They equate pro-black as being anti-white and their is no way to get around that. Perhaps it is in 3% of interracial relationships. The odds are not in your favor!
My politics and this blog is repellent to most white men. Once they hear my views and realize I won’t tap dance around my blackness to make them feel comfortable… they leave before I can say “Don’t let the door hit your ass on the way out.”
The straw that broke the camels back was when my ex white boyfriend jokingly told me a story about how he got caught driving drunk and the officer just told him to go home. Had that been me I would of got arrested, car towed and charged with a DWI. He laughed and said “White Privilege.”
He thought just because he exclusively dated black women it absolved him from all his racist views that have been instilled in him from society since birth. Little did his narcissistic brain know he still had a lot to learn about race and prejudice.
Some white people think they can escape or pretend not to participate in white privelege. It’s laughable.
You can’t tell white people who date black people ANYTHING about their racism. It’s a loss cause. You’ll have better luck talking to a tea party member or a member of the klan who will at least admit they are biased.
Obviously, I was done with my ex. I mentally clocked out of that relationship. I didn’t attend his best friends destination wedding with him, I criticized his every move and I grew resentful of him daily. I especially felt sorry for his mixed kids.
More recently, I had a white guy online ask me if I prefer white men over black men. I asked him why that matters, he said he likes it when black women prefer white men.
He wanted me to go into detail and tell him why I demean black men and prefer white men. I actually did prefer black men over white men. The black men I liked it never developed into anything serious but I wish it did. I wanted it to. I still want it to! I found that interaction with that white man so repulsive. So divisive.
I thought to myself, that’s it. Even though I’m biologically half white, I may have to write off the prospect of ever dating a white man again! He was getting off on the idea of me disrespecting black men. I find that white women do the same with black men and get off on black men demeaning black women. Sickening!
What’s worst of all, is dating a black man who is racist against black women.
I’ve had black guys date me and say I only think you’re cute because you’re mixed and you have nice hair. I’ve had black guys openly say they hate black features. Dating this type of black man is worse then dating a racist white man. I’d much rather date a klan member rather then date a black man who hates himself and is disgusted by natural African American features.
This happens too often but it needs to be discussed much more. Self hating black men and women are real. Recognizing them is easy. They are quite assertive about their disdain for black features and hold adverse stereotypical views about black men and women, treating themselves as an exception. The lighter you are the better you’ll be treated by these individuals. You might be liked, but they won’t respect you because you reflect back who they are and since they hate themselves they’d rather not deal with you.
I promise, the only good thing about dating interracially is developing the understanding that you can be loved by other races but more than likely you will NOT be respected.
Respect trumps love. This is why it hurts so deeply when the one we love disrespects us.
Your love to a nonblack individual cannot not undue centuries of brainwashing and subconsciously implanted racist views your white or non black partner has embedded in their brain. Love can’t undo psychological programming. It will take centuries of unlearning for white people to get rid of these underlying, implicit racist views.
It’s either you deal with it or you don’t. That’s a personal choice. You will feel disrespected on several occasions as a black person in an interracial relationship. Charge it to the game or simply don’t date outside your race.
Typically, when a man of a different race approaches an African American women, he wants sex.
Don’t be flattered by sexual flirtations. These men look at you as easy access to sex that they can’t get from women in their own culture without proposing marriage or spending some serious cash!
If a man of another race marries a black women he was the reject from his own community, race and culture.
Hispanic, Indian, Asian and Arabs are the biggest non black, non white culprits. You think they’re your allies because they’re minorities too but their not!
They are just as anti black as white people. In fact, in most cases even more so! Travel to their home countries and see for yourself how they treat Africans who live there.
I have an Egyptian friend who only dates black or mixed women because he has a horrible criminal record and he is not employable.
He prefers mixed women over full black women because they have lighter skin and thinner hair. They resemble Arab women who he wishes he could marry but his financial situation won’t allow. Obviously, he won’t come out in say this directly but he will make comments eluding to his views.
No father in the Arab community will give his daughter to this man in marriage. So he is forced to date outside his race. He’s ashamed of you and himself. Same with women in that culture who are no longer virgins… they date and marry outside their race because they are looked upon as unclean and unworthy for marriage.
These rejects date interracially and harbor underlying resentment. They rebel against their family and their culture even more by marrying a black person.
These rejects forever remain the outcast of their family and their mixed children are treated differently by their parents then their full breed grandkids. Do you really want your children in that situation? It’s damaging to their self-esteem. My white grandfather disowned us. I have to live with that. Do you want the same thing for your children?
You better think long and hard about the implications of interracial dating. It’s not just about love and feelings… lots of politics and consequences are involved.
These same rejects forced to date outside their race may say things like love has no color and they married for love… Blah Blah Blah
Then as soon as they have mixed kids, they say and do things to those kids unconsciously that brings forth what was lying beneath the surface all along despite how many Black lives matter rallies they attend and their democratic, liberal views… the racism seeps out in a comment or a racist statement in the heat of an argument. Sometimes in casual conversation.
Did you know they can love you and still be racist? It’s true. I’ve lived this.
This brings me back to my original point about the difference between being liked and respected.
How many people are there that we love but don’t respect? How many grown people do you know that love their parents but are very disrespectful towards them?
In the back of your mind you’ll always ask yourself in an interracial relationship if the bond is authentic. This is because more than likely They married you for convenience. They married their only choice. Not their preferred choice.
Black women being culturally and racially open to be with men of other races are at a huge risk of being taken advantage of by these men who were rejected by their own race.
Women who date interracially are expected to adopt the cultural views of her husband. This expectation kills apart of who she is. This, for me was a life of misery. I couldn’t dismiss my lineage. Tis why I am divorced!
What’s sad is most black women, just wanting to feel loved are okay with being the second choice, the convenience, the easy option…
Black women are the most vulnerable women in the world to be used because of systematic barriers that separated our men from us through slavery, Jim Crow and now mass incarceration and feminist propaganda. We have no brothers to protect us, no fathers to advise us. We are marked easy targets to men of other races.
I’m not saying all of this to feel like a victim, I’m saying this to arm black women with the knowledge to protect their hearts!
Some men run away from their race/culture and date outside of it because they don’t want to be providers, they look down on marriage because they don’t want the responsibility of being a father and husband.
Don’t get it twisted you’re not their first choice. They were either rejected from their race or too lazy to take responsibility and be a husband and provider.
So they run to women that will accept their laziness, their cheating and their abuse.
The next time a man of another race approaches you, don’t be overwhelmed with flattery, be on red alert!
Regardless, interracial dating can be a good and bad thing. The best thing to do is investigate their intentions for being with you and weed out their racism earlier rather then later to see if it’s worth developing into something serious or starting a family with them.
If interracial relationships were a cure to racism, there would no longer be racism. There’s much more work to be done then just marrying each other. As a people, for the sake of our humanity… when will we start the real work and addressing the miseducation and propaganda that keeps us from truly loving one another? Having sex with each other hasn’t changed a thing and your a fool if you think that it will!
Marrying a white person is not a political move toward racial equality nor will it help stop injustice!
I wish I could just say love is blind. That love is love regardless of color. But let’s be real, that’s simply not the world we live in!
In all things, protect your heart.
By Janell Hihi Copyright@2018