Helping Versus Enabling: Knowing the Difference to Avoid Being Used by Others.

No wants to be used. It’s an awful feeling that can trigger thoughts of unworthiness and low self-esteem.

I get this question often from my followers, “Did he/she really love me or was he just using me for XY and Z?” 

Giving without boundaries almost always creates a situation that invites leeches and psychic vampires into our lives.

Psychic vampires are not creatures from the other side hunting humanity in search of blood for survival.

Instead, psychic vampires are ordinary people who suck the life right out of you. Either they overburden others with their victim mentality by sharing sob stories seeking pity for validation. Or worse, they seek out others only to use them for their resources.

#1 Sign an Individual is a Psychic Vampire

A sure sign an individual you may be dealing with is a psychic vampire is that they have absolutely nothing to offer you but their so-called feelings. In dating situations, beware of anyone who can’t bring anything to the table but their heart.

Unfortunately, the number one reason for divorce is financial issues. Feelings are not currency and therefore bills can’t be paid on feelings alone. Relationships that are solely based on feelings usually end bitterly. Morals, values, political affiliations and yes, “Finances” pay a big role in determining the success of a relationship.

Love and feelings only makes up about 25% of relationships sustainability because feelings and emotions fluctuate. Common morals and values is the glue that keeps couples together when feelings inevitably alternate from high to low.

A leech will always suggest that your resources are used for their benefit because perhaps they are not as well off. However, the difference between a person who is not well off and a person who makes horrible financial decisions is huge.

Low income people living within their means won’t be as irresponsible. Leeches and psychic vampires are fiscally irresponsible because they are internal self proclaimed victims who seek out saviors to help them out of there dire situations.

A stay at home wife who takes pride in caring for her children, her home and the family well being is not a leech. Although her contribution is intangible, it is equally as substantial as her husbands who works to provide for the family financially. Relationships are comprised of give and take. Not just take, take, take!

They always need “Your” help. Whether it’s financing a car, buying a house, etc., However, all they can give in return is the three words, “I love you!.” If you couldn’t “help” them they wouldn’t love you. Period.

For example, they don’t have a house so they have to come to your house all the time, use all your necessities and eat all your groceries. They don’t have a car so you always need to pick them up and drop them off. They jokingly tell you what size shoe they wear as if you’ll run to the mall to buy them a pair. You cook really well so there’s no need in ever going out to eat! They offer their company and nothing else! Even worse, they have no plans to improve their lives and become financially independent.

The Ultimate Test to Determine if Someone is a Leech

Call their bluff and use reverse psychology. Tell them “I love you too! I can’t help you financially but I can give you my heart.” Offer to show them how to save money and fix their credit to buy their own house or car. Without a doubt, they will be out of your life quicker than you can blink.

Psychic vampires seek out lonely people who crave companionship over anything else. People are desperate for friendships and relationships who willingly overextend themselves to help grown men and women are prime targets for leeches.

Helping Versus Enabling

There is nothing wrong with helping people. However, we need to define what helping another grown-up means. Helping someone is not doing something for them. Helping an adult is showing them by example how to be successful and pointing them to the right resources to assist them in their endeavors.

How are we truly helping them by doing for them what we can teach them how to do for themselves?

Enabling a leech is giving up your time, energy and resources without teaching them the “how to do it themselves” methods or demanding a return on your investment. There is no reciprocity. The underlying issues which made the individual a leech in the first place remain unresolved and their bad habits are continued.

Regardless if it’s someone your dating, your child, a sibling, coworker or friend, help them help themselves, so they can grow and never need to ask for help again.

Sincerely yours,

Author J. Hihi

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