How to Get Over a Narcissist Fast: Why Victim’s of Narcissistic Abuse Must Learn to Be More Narcissistic

Hey, if you’re reading this I know you may be feeling hurt, stuck, and focused on the pain inflicted onto you by narcissistic abuse.

From a survivor, I write this article to tell you that it’s time to let go. It’s time to be grateful, not sad!

The ending of a relationship with a narcissist means that at one point in your life you matched his frequency.  A frequency that allowed you to believe that you didn’t deserve real love.

However, now that it’s over, you leveled up. You outgrew the narcissist and a toxic relationship.

Congratulations!

You’re smarter. You’re better. It happened and now it’s over!

I’M GIVING YOU PERMISSION TO MOVE ON!

Stop licking your wounds. You greived. You’re healed, and your life is waiting for you to live again.

The best medicine is to push forward and focus on what you want rather then what you think you lost.

Challenge yourself. Do things you’re afraid of. Go on adventures, meet new people, join clubs, organizations, take up a new hobby.

Being brave and trying new things completely renews your spirit. It also places you in the energy frequency of bravery and confidence.

Ultimately, regardless of who hurts us, our lives come to down to what we allow ourselves to experience.

If you continue to greive well after the 6-12 months it typically takes to get over a narcissist, you are choosing to stay stuck in the past and in the pain.

You see, the narcissist knows there are more fish in the sea. They know they can move on and find someone new. You, however, still feel slighted and afraid to love and trust again.

Coming Soon!

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And I know your mad, asking yourself how they could move on so fast? It’s really not that hard if your optimistic about your own future. Victims are narcissistic abuse get angry because they can’t move on but the narcissist can.

It’s not the narcissist fault that you think you can’t do any better.

I urge you to step out of the frequency of pain.

You will continue to attract narcissist and toxic people into your life if you contunously focus on the bad relationship you had with a narcissist.

What you focus on GROWS.

It’s a viscous cycle when a person chooses to stay focused on a narcissist well after the relationship has ended.

It’s obsession. You think, “Oh, the narcissist hurt me so bad it’s going to take me a very long time to recover. I’m traumatized.”

It is what you tell yourself it is! Negative self talk is you doing the narcissist work for him!

No wonder he’s discarded you. He knows you’ll self sabotage and he can move on to new supply now. Obvioulsy his work is done.

Of course you want to blame the narcissist because they did horrible things to you. However, the narcissist doesn’t care if you blame them. You don’t matter to them nor does your hurt or pain.

They move on like you never existed and you need to learn from them in that regard.

The narcissist is not forcing you to stay stuck in pain. They have a new source of supply. Staying stuck is your choice and it means you need to re-adjust your focus.

The narcissist is doing good! They are not looking back. Unless they need a temporary ego boost, then they may send you a late night text or random email looking for an ego stroke.

Regardless if the narcissist is deserving or not. They are going after the life they want and the people who will get them closer to it. Are you? 

Narcissist move on because they’re narcissism gives them the confidence to believe that they can get on with their lives and bad relationships will never hold them back!

Victims of narcissistic abuse focuses on how the narcissist is moving forward with their life and the victim perceives his new supply as something he doesn’t deserve. The victim repeatedly thinks to themselves, “It’s not fair!”

The narcissist deserves his new supply because he believes he does. New supply does not mean the narcissist is doing better but it is perceived by the victim that he is.

Our perception of the narcissist moving on and being happier without us is outweighing the reality that the narcissist may not be happy at all.

Carefully observe your own perceptions because you may be deceiving yourself. What we tell ourselves about a narcissist is more damaging then the reality of who the narcissist actually is.

If you find yourself focused on a past relationship with a narcissist there may be codependency issues preventing you from thriving forward and enjoying your life.

That goes beyond the narcissistic abuse you experienced in a relationship. There is an underlying persistent pessimism and an inability to take control of your thoughts, and refocus your life!

Think about other times, before the relationship with the narcissist when you fail to take the wheel and drive. Are you too passive? Do you overly invest in other people and not yourself? 

It’s time to confess that you had an unhealthy amount of your happiness invested in the relationship with the narcissist. It’s also time to forgive yourself for that.

Codependnecy and narcisism is two different sides of the same coin. Narcissism and codependcy are both extremes.

To become a balanced individual if a past narcissistic relationship is stopping you from thriving forward in your life, you should become more narcissistic.

There is a such thing as being too empathetic and too concerned with others. It’s a distraction from focusing on yourself. Narcissist focus on themselves. This is how they win. This is why you don’t understand about them. This is why we all hate them.

Hyper focus on yourself and your own needs and desires. Put yourself first. Be selfish. Then observe how what you focus on magically manifests in your life.

Try to accomplish a happy medium between the two extremes of narcissim and codependency. Press forward, dress to kill, approach men you like and ask them out, bungee jump, apply for the job you always wanted, only say yes when you mean it and stay in the present moment.

The past is a prison.

LIVE. YOUR. LIFE.

The narcissist is living his! Learn from him. If you think you didn’t have anything to learn from a narcissist, you may be a narcissist!

Narcissist believe that they know it all and they’re is nothing else left to learn. This is why they’re emotional intelligence is that of a 5 year old.

It’s okay to learn about narcissism and how to recognize abuse. However, it is more essential to learn why you allowed it and how you will heal that deficiency within yourself. That is how you take back your power.

Ask yourself this question: What was the purpose of the relationship with the narcissist? And what was your number 1 lesson?

Make the experience with the narcissist about YOU. Not about the narcissist. Not about what you believe he took from you.

I own my mistakes. Especially when it comes to getting what I want and living a life that serves my purpose.

Focus on what you want in life, not what the narcissist didn’t give you!

My book is coming soon. Stay tuned! This is a game changer. Extensive research coming from my own soul, psychologist, and spiritual leaders. Unique perspective on narcissism from a mind, body and soul perspective!

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By Janell Hihi @copyright 2018

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How The Narcissist Subtly Chips Away Your Self-Esteem.

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Narcissist Possess an Uncanny ability to make their victims completely lose themselves.

Narcissist laugh at their partners under their breath in a very subtle in cunning way to slowly but surely, chip away their partners self-esteem.

Narcissist are skilled sculptors who carve away at their partners sense of self to mold them into a smaller, co-dependent and insignificant figurine.

The narcissist wants their victim to turn on themselves. They want their partners to lower their expectations, discard their personal boundaries and throw away their values in order to be in a relationship with them.

The only way to defeat a narcissist is to stick with your values and never lower your expectations or boundaries to accommodate the narcissist desires. Narcissist stand no chance with individuals who are grounded in self-love and self-respect.

Believe it or not, the narcissist does not want to destroy you. The narcissist wants you to destroy YOURSELF!

The narcissist highest goal is to be a masterful manipulator to the point where they abuse you in such a subtle way that you have no idea what’s going on. Nor does anybody else around them.

Narcissist are NOT confrontational. They are cowards and they never want to get to the real issues. They revel behind your back and smile in your face by simultaneously complimenting you and low-key insulting you at the same time!

Of course, when they’re with friends and family and their partner is not around, the narcissist will talk very badly about their partner in a joking way to disguise their inner hatred and turmoil they feel toward their partner.

Basically, the narcissist significant other is always the brunt of the narcissist low-key insulting jokes.

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The number one characteristic that narcissist like to attack is their partners level of intelligence.

I dated a narcissist who spoke very badly about his baby mamas. Of course, he had more then one.

His most recent baby momma he would refer to as an airhead with no education. He would joke about things she would do as a new mother that made her appear to lack common sense.

It was alarming how quickly he would say terrible things about her character referring to her as sexually promiscuous, not very intelligent and irresponsible. Then, in the very next instant he would say how much he once loved her and how badly she hurt him.

Nothing the narcissist says makes any sense whatsoever. This is part of the plan to keep the victim stuck in a perpetual state of confusion.

My ex would also constantly put down his ex wife who has a child with him and refer to her as ghetto and weird because of her personal style.

Once his ex wife called, while I was with him and she asked him if he knows anyone who can fix her car and he said to her, “No, that’s not my problem. Why are you calling me?!” Then he hung up on her. Mind you, his best friend is a co-owner at a auto shop.

I thought to myself, how could he be so nice to me and so rude and disrespectful to the mothers of his children? Obviously, he made me feel like I was better than them and he would never talk to me that way. Boy, was I naive!

Of course, with all those glaring red flags, I stuck around because I didn’t want to deal with tending to my own issues which is why I choose to be in a relationship instead of rebuilding my life after divorce.

That’s another blog.

Narcissist will show you how they will treat you after the honeymoon phase by showing you how they treat others around them.

Look at how they treat strangers asking for directions, waiters, their parents, and the mother of their child.

Watch their tone, their body language and the cruel and lifeless look in their eyes.

As I watched my ex talk badly about how stupid his ex girlfriend was, I immediately noticed how he got off on it.

Narcissist need to feel superior to their partners at all times.

First the narcissist indirectly insults their partner with sarcasm disguised as humor.

They will make undermining comments about their partners intelligence, weight, personal style, occupation, family and even their child.

The narcissist will sometimes directly insult their partner but that is very rare. The narcissist wants to plant the seed of self-doubt and insanity within their partner.

It’s far more convincing if the victim starts believing that they are stupid, crazy and irresponsible rather than the narcissist directly telling them to their face.

Narcissist plant seeds. Most narcissist never directly criticize or verbally insult their significant others. However, there is exceptions if or when they go into narcissist rage.

It’s important to understand that the narcissist vets out narcissistic supply by choosing a partner who they feel is “less than” them. Or, by choosing a partner who they believe they can easily break down.

They prefer partners who make less money, are less educated or significantly younger so that they can instill in the younger partner that they are inferior because of their age and/or maturity.

The narcissist will do whatever it takes to feel more significant in the relationship. I found it very difficult to tell my ex about the things that were happening in my life because I feared he would judge and criticize me like he did with his ex girlfriends.

Narcissist judge others harshly while their own life is falling apart.

Of course, narcissist can be hiding assets in storage, avoiding financial ruin, filing bankruptcy and foreclosed on 3 different properties but somehow, they can still muster up the words to judge other people harshly.

You would think because they are so critical, they’re lives must be perfect. That is so far from the truth.

I remember when I first met my narcissistic ex, it seems he could do no wrong and he’d never try to make me feel bad about myself because he constantly swooned me with compliments.

I got a wake up call when suddenly I started waking up in the middle of the night with panic attacks and he had the audacity to tell me, he didn’t want to be with a girl who had panic attacks.

He said he wanted to be with a “healthy girl.”

I was so hurt and confused because this man was on 3 different anti-depressant medications and I accepted the fact that he would probably be on anti-depressants for the rest of his life to treat his depression.

However, when one little medical issue appeared with me, he was ready to leave the relationship.

Who the narcissist is, and who he thinks he is, remains a stagnating self-delusion. 

It turns out, all the stress of dealing with my ex narcissist from our on and off again relationship activated my Graves Disease which was doormat for years. My hyperthyroid gave me panic attacks in the middle of the night. When I left him, it only took 3 weeks for my panic attacks to completely subside.

I’d rather have a man beat me to a pole, then chip away at my soul like the vampiric narcissist does so well. 

If you stick around long enough without appearing completely destroyed by the narcissist, he will start to beat you down physically and mentally. It’s best to play dead and get out before it get’s to that point.

It’s important to remember the narcissist move in a subtle way to subconsciously manipulate you into destroying yourself so that he doesn’t has to. That way, he can continue to tell everyone, “She’s crazy.”

Listen to that little voice of reason that whispers to you, “Something is NOT right about this person.” Then Run for your life!

By Janell Hihi @Copyright 2018

 

 

Narcissist Perfect The Act of Sex to Get Their Victim Addicted

Narcissist use everything as a weapon. Spirituality, religion, their family, their children and their friends.

There’s no wonder they use sex as a weapon to ensure their victim is physically addicted to the experience.

Narcissist do everything in bed and they do it with precision and passion. Of course, if their victim is sexually addicted, it will be very difficult for the victim to leave the narcissist.

The narcissist will be very abusive after the honeymoon phase of the relationship and may even withhold sex a punishment right along with the silent treatment.

The narcissist know that the victim is addicted to the sex so the narcissist justifies their abusive behavior by referring to how great the sex is despite all the issues the relationship is plagued with.

The narcissist will use sexual chemistry as a reason the two of you should stay together because the type of chemistry that the two of you have is hard to find.

This is bullshit of course, but it’s an awfully convincing justification when the victim considers the euphoria of great sex in contrast with the abusive, one-sided relationship.

Great sex plus bad relationship equals lack of fulfillment in the end despite how hard the narcissist tries to convince the victim otherwise.

Learn more in my upcoming book How to Defeat a Narcissist Available March 5, 2018

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By Janell HIhi @Copright2018

Do You Love The Narcissist or Are You Addicted to Him?

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Is it love or addiction?

This is the question I often ask myself when I am staring down a dark chocolate truffle before I devour it.

Many singers, poets and writers would say love and addiction is the same thing. However, I highly disagree!

Addiction is an obsession to a desired outcome that is unrealistic. It’s a fantasy-like train of thought that distorts our reality.

According to Psychology Today ” Sex and love addiction are so commonly bonded that there is a 12-step support group for the combination: Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA). Both love addiction and sex addiction are often viewed as disorders of intimacy.”

What we are addicted to is irrelevant but the fact that we may have addictive personality traits is what’s cause for concern.

Loving a narcissist is addictive because the effect they have on the human brain, psyche and soul of their victim fluctuates from the highest of highs and the lowest of lows just as heroine, cocaine and opioids do.

The rollercoaster ride of high adrenaline and the blunt blow of the fall riddled with low serotonin levels which are often attributed to anxiety, depression, panic attacks, insomnia, obesity, fibromyalgia, eating disorders, chronic pain, migraines, and alcohol abuse. Negative thoughts, low self-esteem, obsessive thoughts and behaviors, PMS, and Irritable Bowel Syndrome are also symptoms of low serotonin.

The highs are like no other, it feels like the best love, heaven-sent, breath-taking sex, endless orgasms, charm, compliments, gifts, attention and emotional availability.

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A relationship with a narcissist is like an addiction to a drug because it’s nothing but consecutive highs and lows.

There is never a feeling of calmness, stability and consistency. It’s one drastic extreme to the next.

And just like a drug, it is extremely difficult to get over a narcissist once they discard you! Withdrawal is real. A support group and a team of loving friends and family members is needed to help you get through the struggle of withdrawal without relapsing.

Your body and soul gets so accustomed to the highs and the lows that it can no longer fathom or adapt to stability, calmness and peace of mind.

It can take months or years to re-stabilize after narcissistic abuse. It depends on how long the relationship was and how severe the abuse was.

I suffered from anxiety attacks out of the blue a few years back because I developed minor post traumatic stress disorder for being in two consecutive relationships with narcissist back to back. I left my narcissistic husband only to later get involved in another covert narcissistic relationship.

My recovery took years. And that’s okay. At the time I left my ex husband I did not know what the difference between covert and overt narcissist was so I fell prey to an opportunistic, manic-depressive, covert narcissist.

I didn’t know I was addicted to the drastic highs and lows. I left one, just to get a hit of another. My ex would break up with me out of the blue or when he didn’t get his way and it would hurt me to the core.

Then, out of the blue he would get back together with me professing his undying love. It was like he would create a catastrophe then come in out of the blue as a hero and save me from the pain he caused.

This is why the narcissist simultaneously switches from villain to hero. Similar to how drug companies make up illnesses and then create a medication that supposedly cures the illness but the side effects are more deadly then the illness itself.

I would look ridiculous when he would break up with me out of the blue. It would be after we went out with friends or to dinner or days after a minor disagreement. I would plead with him to reconsider. I felt ashamed and embarrassed that suddenly he could switch off his feelings like a light switch and just leave.

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I felt like I cared too much. It was confusing and I was often shocked. 

The shock is what kept me hooked and coming back for more. I wasn’t in love. I was addicted!

Listen to Rihanna and Justin Timberlake song “Rehab” 

According to an article written by The Ranch, below is a list of all the signs that you may be addicted to love:

Typical signs of love addiction include:

  • Mistaking intense sexual experiences and new romantic excitement for love
  • Constantly craving and searching for a romantic relationship
  • When in a relationship, being desperate to please and fearful of the other’s unhappiness
  • When not in a relationship, feeling desperate and alone
  • Inability to maintain an intimate relationship once the newness and excitement have worn off
  • Finding it unbearable or emotionally difficult to be alone
  • When not in a relationship, compulsively using sex and fantasy to fill the loneliness
  • Choosing partners who are emotionally unavailable and/or verbally or physically abusive
  • Choosing partners who demand a great deal of attention and caretaking but who do not meet, or even try to meet, your emotional or physical needs
  • Participating in activities that don’t interest you or go against your personal values in order to keep or please a partner
  • Giving up important interests, beliefs, or friendships to maximize time in the relationship or to please a romantic partner
  • Using sex, seduction, and manipulation (guilt/shame) to “hook” or hold on to a partner
  • Using sex or romantic intensity to tolerate difficult experiences or emotions
  • Missing out on important family, career, or social experiences to search for a romantic or sexual relationship
  • Using anonymous sex, porn, or compulsive masturbation to avoid “needing” someone, thereby avoiding all relationships
  • Finding it difficult or impossible to leave unhealthy or abusive relationships despite repeated promises to oneself or others to do so
  • Repeatedly returning to previously unmanageable or painful relationships despite promises to oneself or others to not do so

I can’t stress how important it is to heal from narcissistic abuse before re-entering the dating game otherwise you will attract another narcissist who is more covert, manipulative and deceiving.

Treat your break up with a narcissist like you are entering rehab for drug abuse and I promise you, the healing will be more efficient and expedient.

You don’t love the narcissist. You are addicted. Is addiction stronger than love? Yes, because it disguises itself as love and locks the brain and the heart into a state of perpetual confusion.

Sincerely,

Janell Hihi copyright@2018

Can Narcissist Stay In Longterm Relationships?

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The short answer is “Yes!”

Narcissist will stay with women who continually accept their abuse by denying it and making excuses for it.

As long as the narcissist is getting a steady source of quality narcissistic supply, he can maintain relationships that last decades.

The ideal victim who the narcissist will choose to be in longterm relationship with must never question him, never criticize him and never, ever call out his false self.

Narcissist need their partners to help them maintain their grandiose sense of self by continually complementing them, obeying them and trusting their every word.

The minute you question, criticize or investigate shady behavior from your narcissistic partner is the moment you are disregarded as longterm relationship material to the narcissist.

If you’re not robotic, overly optimistic, degradingly submissive and compliant, the relationship will last a few months to a year at the longest.

This doesn’t mean you’re not good relationship material.

This means you have a healthy level of self-esteem and self-respect that you leave when love is no longer being served.

As long as you understand that it’s his way or the highway, you can maintain a longterm relationship with a narcissist!

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A great way to gauge your level of self-esteem is how fast you are able to recognize narcissistic and toxic relationships and how fast you are able to leave them!

Never look at a relationship and assume because a couple was together 12 years, they must have a very strong bond. It’s safe to assume they’ve been through a lot together. However, it is not okay to assume that relationship is healthy or has allowed each partner to grow into a better person.

It’s important to remember when considering the longevity of narcissistic relationships that it’s the quality of the relationship not the quantity of the years the narcissist stayed in the relationship.

In fact, most narcissist never leave a good source of supply. Usually what happens is the codependent partner realizes they are in an abusive relationship and they finally gather the courage to leave the narcissist for good.

The narcissist will stay in play forever, if the victim allows them to . Narcissist favorite line to manipulate their victims to stay with them is:

“We’ve been together all these years, and we’ve been through so much, and you’re just gonna leave?”

The number of years we are in a relationship is no reason to stay in that relationship. It is the quality of those years that determines whether or not we should stay.

Ten years of being with a man in an off again and on again relationship is not ten years of love, loyalty and respect. Instead, it’s ten years of chaos, instability and inconsistency.

The length of time a man stays with a women does not determine how much he loves her. She could be a safe option, a convenience, a financial resource, or an opportunity for a better life.

She could also be a punching bag he can take out all his frustrations on because she is so lost and codependent, the fear of being alone is worse then being in an abusive relationship.

Narcissist often provoke arguments and fights and then blame the victim for being a nag or a drama queen.

As long as you can live your life constantly being labeled a drama queen and accepting your narcissistic partner as the victim of your alleged paranoia, insecurity and jealousy… you will be able to maintain a longterm relationship with a narcissist.

If you’re reading this because you left a narcissist before you could define the relationship as long-term, good for you!

If you’re reading this wondering how your narcissistic ex lover is in a longterm relationship with another women, remember it’s the women who determines how long she will tolerate narcissistic abuse.

Better her then you!

You’re worth is not determined by how long your relationships last. It’s determined by your ability to walk away from abusive and toxic relationships.

By Janell Hihi @Copyright 2018

Oprah’s Golden Globe Speech Did Not Impress Me.

Disclaimer:There are white women I love and respect who are on the front lines in black communities giving their time, resources and attention to matters that affect low income black families. This article is not directed towards them. This article is directed towards the pompous, elite, Hollywood trolls.

Oprah Winfrey, a champion for white feminism and the queen of disregarding the assault and rape history specific to African American women spouts a speech to ensure her donors keep contributing to her account.

Oprah Winfrey tying black oppression to white female oppression is a testament to her inherit disrespect to the legacy of African American history.

Sure, all women should be advocated for against sexual assault, rape and domestic violence. But black women have endured the most and our experience is very different then that of white women.

She failed to make that distinction. Unfortunately I will never, ever respect her! Nor will I respect the white privileged women sitting in attendance cheering on Oprah as she stands up for their pity party. It’s unfortunate these women, never ever specifically spoke up for black women and sexual assault from the white community.

“The impact of such public displays are so limited that I would suggest that those in attendance should be challenged not with the #MeToo, rather the internal introspective inducing query of:

#wherewereyouandwhatdidyoudo?

when you heard your “paw-paw”, “daddy”, “uncles”, “brothers”, “sons”, “husbands”, “fiancées”, and “boyfriend” laugh and banter about the rape of some nameless, faceless, and defenseless black woman.” James Jones

Would you like to know the history of sexual assault against black women in this country that lasted far beyond slavery and manifested itself well into the 1950’s and 1960’s?

“In the segregated American South, a white man could rape a black woman with little fear of legal or social recourse, and black women lived in a persistent state of apprehension. Rape was used as a weapon of terror in the subjugation of black women, their families and whole communities.”

“In “At the Dark End of the Street,” Danielle L. McGuire writes that white men raped black women and girls “with alarming regularity and stunning uniformity,” with some victims as young as 7. While some readers will rightly be stunned by that assertion, many African American women will recognize a commonly acknowledged danger.”

Read this book! There is no SOLIDARITY with white women in regards to Sexual Assault.

bookAnd watch this show that covers historical accounts of the daunting history of sexual assault against black women in America.

The video below was well timed for me personally because today, when I was picking up my daughter for school, I seen a white man arguing with a black women. Apparently, this black mother had a few words with a white women in the school parking lot for parking too close to her car, to the point where it almost impossible to exit her vehicle.

The white man who had nothing to do with any of the women decided to intervene and he called the black women a bitch. He also gave her very nasty looks. When she got out the car she yelled at him because he called her out of her name.

He got in her face like she was a man in a very physically threatening manner. This was a harsh reminder that the past lives today. These men can still harm us and face little to no criminalization as a result. I stood by her and assured her that I believed her and she should be upset and file a police complaint.

We either stand together or fall together. There is no individualism in the cellular structure of our beings. I encourage you too reader, to stand up when you witness injustice.

Our movement is exclusive because our history and lineage in America is unique, unlike any other group of people who stepped foot in this country. Our voices need to be heard in the light of exclusivity. This is not to deliberately silence others, but to put an emphasis on a specific horror that has devastated black America.

By Janell Hihi @Copyright 2018

Why I Hate Cancers

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I recently wrote a blog inspired by a video I watched on Youtube that was so unbelievably accurate that I have to share this video. Please watch and subscribe to his channel K-Blao HOODX. Great content, truthful, humorous and very accurate!

Website http://hood-x.ning.com/

Mostly what I’ve learned about Cancers comes from this video and of course, my favorit astrologer, Linda Goodman… which explains in great detail the dark side of the zodiac sign Cancer. Be sure to check out his other astrology videos. Well worth the watch! Here’s a link to the Youtube video below!

Why I hate Cancer 

Published on Jan 18, 2015

K-Blao HOODX on Why I hate Cancers.

 

Below are a few things I learned from this excellent video!

Cancers are crusty crabs in a barrel born in July  (May 21-July 21)… July Leo’s born July 21st through the 31st also share many characteristics with Cancers. I know plenty of July born Leo’s who are always one Xanax away from a complete emotional breakdown or crisis.

Grown ass cancer men and women cry every day like raging toddlers for the most minuscule and juvenile things. Real tears, boogers and all! It’s humbling to watch. 

I had a Cancer/Leo ex who cried at least twice a week about his ex even years after they broke up despite the fact that he knew she was not the right person for him. Cancers fall in love with emotionally unavailable people so they can feel like the victim.

Cancers are named after a disease. I’ll just leave that there…

This asshole from the show Shark Tank is a Cancer!

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Cancers love feeling like victims so they create situations that will make them victims.

Cancer men are Beta males. They are not Alpha. If you want a MASCULINE male, keep it moving. Cancer is not the right man for you unless you appreciate the feminine within a man.

A Cancer man or a Leo born at the end of July will be so sensitive and so emotional that you may often find yourself questioning their sexuality. Cancer men don’t appear heterosexual, at all!

Cancers are emotionally animated. They remind me of cartoon characters, specifically the Looney Tunes. Their emotions are exaggerated, out of control, up and down and negative and positive all within a ten-minute time span.

Cancers think everyone is out to get them. The minute you disagree with them they believe you have it out for them.

Cancers make good actors! They are overly emotional and animated so they are natural actors on stage or behind a camera. They are not natural at anything else. Google famous Cancers and everyone from Tom Cruise to Tom Hanks is on that list!

Cancers never stop worrying! I can almost guarantee every person born under this Sun or Moon sign has generalized anxiety disorder.

The best part of this video pointed out that…

The Cancers ruling planet is not even a planet… it’s the moon. The moon goes through various different phases and changes daily and the changes of the moon reflect the Cancers moods swings.

Cancers are Passion Killers, which means they murder from an emotionally unbalanced place. OJ Simspon is a Cancer – great example!

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By Janell Hihi @Copyright 2018

Staying Single Forever is an Unnatural Human Aspiration

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A few days ago one of my dear friends proudly announced she wants to stay single forever!

I was shocked. I totally understand that being single for a few years to get your shit together and mend past heartache and pain is necessary.

However, is it natural to want to be single for the rest of your life?

Isn’t it basic human, instinctual desire to have a life partner? Especially considering the way in which our society operates, having a partner to be there for you emotionally, economically, physically and spiritually is in fact, priceless!

I’ve been single by choice for a few years to work on myself and get to know myself again before thoroughly stepping out into the dating scene again so that I am well equipped.

The thought of being single for the rest of my life almost makes life appear incomplete. What is it that we can hold valuable in our lives without sharing it with another?

Who wants a trail of casual flings and on and off again relationships that carry no value, merit or longevity?

In America, you’re usually single until you get married. I often wondered why that is? What happened to the in-between space? Why isn’t it that being in a non-married relationship is not a valid or legal relationship status?

When filing our taxes we can’t right off the time, money and energy we put into relationships that aren’t marriage.

Relationships are supposed to be a bridge that leads to marriage. Unfortunately, they are becoming a bridge that leads to nowhere. 

Having sex regularly with the same person, going out on dates together and spending each weekend together isn’t considered a life together until two people are living together and creating a lasting partnership. When you share bills, love, fears and solve problems together your relationship is a partnership built to last.

There is a huge difference between a relationship and a partnership. I had to learn that the hard way when I constantly entered dead end relationships with people who were just sticking around for a while who had no real intentions on starting a future together.

My parents are coming up on their 57th wedding anniversary and they have endured so much together. Both found the value of loving each other through the storm, practicing forgiveness, tolerance, patience and faith in their union.

This proud single, feminist female propoganda is getting out of control. Sadly, most women who preach that women should raise kids on their own, be independent and never settle for less are the main women who are married over 10, 15 and 20 years!

For me, it’s okay to admit that I need a man. It’s okay to confess that I want a man. I don’t look at myself as less than because I see the value that the right man can bring into my life and I will welcome him with open arms when he arrives.

What I’ve learned being single for the last 3 years is that I can be independent, I can do it all on my own and I can thrive if I work very hard to accomplish my goals.

Consequently, when I reach my goals and there is no one to share my success with, a loneliness emerges within me and my human desire to love and be loved by connecting to a man becomes glaringly apparent to me.

My inherit feminism needs to nurture, love and create with divine masculinity. I find that reiterating lies that society wants women to believe such as “I don’t need a man,” is denying a part of myself that really and truly, unapologetically desires companionship.

By Janell Hihi @Copyright 2016

 

 

#MeToo Does Not Include Black Women

Dear Black women, does #MeToo include you?

I find it ironic that the creator of the original hashtag and movement of #MeToo was founded by a black women named Tara Burke but recently it was adopted by non black women from the dominant society in America.

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The movement was hi-jacked by non-black women and now that it is headlined with famous white women it has gone viral and it has taken a life form of it’s own!

Burke launched this “Me Too” movement in order to empower women through empathy. She targeted this grassroots movement in underprivileged communities where survivors of sexual abuse, assault, rape, and exploitation often do not have access to rape crisis centers, counselors or support.

Watch this video of Miss Burke explaining in her own words the original mission of the #MeToo Movement. 

Since young women of color are more likely to experience sexual assault, Burke also created a nonprofit organization called Just Be Inc. in 2006 that “focused on the health, well-being, and wholeness of young women of color.

Interestingly enough, now that the #MeToo movement is the voice for the victimized white female, it is now a valid movement and many men of power are losing their jobs, contracts and endorsements without even being tried in the court of law.

I am not denying that these women were sexually assaulted. I am simply pointing out that a fair trial was not set to prove their allegations. When women less famous and wealthy go through the courts system they face the dire reality that rape convictions are less likely to go in the victims favor.

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The MeToo movement is now the He said, She said movement void of an investigation from the law.

What was supposed to be a movement that highlighted sexual assault against black women in it’s current and historical context has now transformed into a movement that emphasizes the victimization of white famous women.

Sexual assault against black women has a long historical account of criminalizing black women for being victims of assault and that was supposed to be the underlying emphasis of the #metoo movement.

The objective of the movement originally was to emphasize how black women are treated when they are sexually assaulted versus how non-black women are treated when they are sexually assaulted.

Unfortunately, black women who are sexually assaulted continue to be ignored, slut shamed and basically told that their allegations aren’t relevant.

Consequently, young women of color under the age of 18 are being sent to prison for fighting back against abusers by defending themselves.

Is it better to wait 25 years to call out sexual assault than it is to defend yourself against sexual assault immediately?

Is the court of opinions higher than the court of law? Obviously, when it comes to the privileged females of the dominant society, their opinion overrides the judicial system and a rush of judgement instantaneously criminalizes the men who are accused.

Meanwhile, most child prostitutes who are sexually exploited and victimized are sent to prison for the crime of prostitution because if your a black female you are not allowed to be a victim.

When your a black female being sexually assaulted, raped, pimped or trafficked you are a sexual deviant and your parents are blamed, your community is blamed and you are forever stamped as a criminal, never given the human decency to receive empathy or be labeled as a victim.

This is not the first time white feminism stole the movement and civil rights black women and black men worked hard to create only to use it for their own advantage by recreating themselves as a victim and piggy backing off her our struggle to funnel out programs like affirmative action to benefit themselves.

After listening to some of these woman’s sexual assault stories I immediately asked myself, “Can I agree to be a side piece to powerful men to get a few movie roles or music gigs, then decades later renege on my willingness to concede to power by participating in sexual acts by saying it was non-consensual?”

Oh hell no. No one will believe me!

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Of course, not too long ago in the 1950’s and sixties, white women who willingly flirted with black men and agreed to sexual acts with black men even though it was against the law, would cry rape when they were caught in the act to protect themselves as being labeled as a “ni**er lover and prosecuted by the courts.

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Consequently young black males like Emmet Till were lynched just for looking a white woman’s way, whistling or simply saying “hello.” to them.

Interestingly enough, the women who lied about Emmet Till coming on to her, waited until she was on her death bed to confess that she lied about the entire ordeal.

Her lie cost a young man his life! 

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Recently, Rapper Nelly was falsely accused of rape by a white women and proven innocent in the court of law. Nelly is currently fighting back against the false accuser for making false claims in a lawsuit.

Is False Accusation a Crime? If it is intentional, it is a misdemeanor.

Intentional False Accusations

“Nearly every jurisdiction has some criminal statute that makes it a misdemeanor to knowingly provide a false report to law enforcement. In addition to the misdemeanor, which could land a person in jail for up to one year, intentionally making false accusations to the police results in potential civil liability.

Apart from the emotional distress, and life disruption, caused by a false report, because the act is intentional, the accuser could be on the hook for punitive damages, in addition to compensatory damages. Punitive damages are monetary awards that are designed to punish wrongdoers, rather than compensate victims for their losses.” George Khoury Law Blogger. 

I can’t say me too!

I can say “You too?” As in you too are alleging sexual harassment and assault after you’ve benefited from being long associated with these men of power in Hollywood and the music industry while women who work 9 to 5’s who file rape and assault charges are being denied their rights… and real rapist and perverts remain free to harass and violate women everyday!

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I can’t wear the victim mask if I was born to be criminalized and shamed.

Will I ever be able to say me too standing beside the most privileged women in America?

Will I ever receive the sympathy she gets by just alleging sexual assault not even proven yet in the court of the law?

Black men being labeled guilty of sexual assault by white women losing contracts, and endorsements while stepping down as CEO’s to their own companies sounds a lot like the re-emergence of Jim Crow.

However, this time around they’re not hanging black men from trees. This form of Jim Crow is now labeled “Jane Crow”and the victims will suffer a financial death and defamation of character.

Guilty until proven innocent.

By Janell Hihi @Copyright 2017

Q & A: Narcissism & Love Bombing: Is it Possible a Narcissist Can Skip the love bombing Phase & Go Straight to the devaluation Phase in a Relationship?

I appreciate every comment, question, like and share I receive from my followers. Although I can’t answer every question or reply to every comment, I appreciate everyone taking the time out to reach out, ask questions and share your stories.

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Below I will share a question I received from one of my cherished follower regarding narcissism and love bombing.

I thought this question was particularly interesting because love-bombing styles and time frames in which they exist is different for every narcissist.

“Hello, Janell! Is it possible that the love-bombing phase could be so short as to barely be noticeable and that the devaluation could start almost immediately? Also, could a narcissist actively try to drive us away while pretending to want to continue a relationship with us (then ignoring us, restricting contact, dictating what we can and can’t talk to them about)? I am trying so hard to get to a place where I can heal but these questions are preying on my mind because I don’t know if I should be dealing with Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome or something else. This person displays almost all of the characteristics of a narcissist but confounds me in these two ways.”

Let’s define love bombing:

Love bombing is an attempt to influence a person by demonstrations of attention and affection.
Of course, at the beginning of every relationship, affection, time and attention is abundant. However, what separates love-bombing from early stages of relationship infatuation is the amount of time, attention and affection that comes on too strong and  too fast!

There is no cookie cutter model or exact time-line of how long the narcissist love bombs and when they start to devalue their partner. Typically it’s the first 6 months of the relationship.

However, from my research and personal experience love bombing will last as long as the victim allows the illusion to continue. If for any reason, you begin to assert your boundaries, your expectations and desires, the narcissist will abruptly end the love bombing phase and begin the process of devaluation.

In some instances, love-bombing is part of a long-term pattern of behavior that starts with love bombing and ends in devaluation. As soon as the victim shows signs of leaving the narcissist, he will begin the pattern again. The narcissist will love bomb the victim to pull them back into the relationship, and as soon as they get them back, the devaluation and abuse starts again!

Devaluation is the beginning to the end of your relationship. A narcissist wants a naive’ docile, and passive woman who believes in fairy tales. Most importantly, she must believe everything he says and does without question. The narcissist’s self-esteem is dependent upon whether or not the victim continues to believe in their false self and illusions.

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Was there anything that you did to question the narcissist intentions?

If so, please take heed, devaluation games will begin soon. Yes, the narcissist will dictate when you talk to him, when you can see him and what subjects you are allowed to discuss.

One day he will love bomb you and the next he will treat you like you don’t exist. The narcissist wants his victim in a state of confusion so that her mind is blurry and she can’t think straight.

Confusion tends to consume the human mind and people can literally become obsessed with trying to free themselves from the confusion by cognitive dissonance or constant arguments and nagging.

If the narcissist senses that his victim is extremely co-dependent and in desperate need of love and validation they may cut the love bombing phase off after the first few dates and begin to abuse their victim almost immediately.

If one person in the relationship dictates the pace and the terms of the relationship without any input from the other party that is a sure sign of a narcissist who must maintain control of the flow, pace and parameters of the relationship.

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Unfortunately, the narcissist will never cease his obsession with control. He will play disappearing acts then suddenly appear out of thin air as if he never left at all to establish complete control over his victim and the relationship.

He is trying to set the standard that he can come and go as he pleases. He will make excuses stating he needs space, he’s an introvert, he works a lot, he doesn’t want to be smothered, he’s stressed or he’s depressed. All are lies to maintain his freedom to keep his options open for other sources of narcissistic supply.

Another important dynamic you should consider is that narcissist who immediately devalues their victims are usually already in a relationship or married and they are looking for a side chick or what some may call a “lower level” source of a supply to keep on the side.

The side supply is not worthy of the love bombing. Therefore, they receive devalue almost immediately!

Typically when the narcissist is devaluing one source of supply he is love bombing another source of supply. 

Most narcissist need more than one source of supply. They may be in long term relationships or even marriages but they need back up supply to sustain their sense of superiority and feed their incessant insecurities. It’s no surprise, most narcissist are cheaters!

The narcissist who are not in a relationship or married who devalue their victims right away are bachelors and players. They have a harem of women they recycle throughout the years. These type of narcissist boast about being single and non-committed yet they dangle the carrot of hope in their victims face that maybe one day, if you act right, they might commit to you. Indeed, that day will never come!

Some will even play the victim.  Narcissist will go so far that they even cry about how women have hurt them in the past and use that as an excuse not to commit to you and keep you on the back burner to utilize you when they are bored, lonely or horny.

The back and forth, on and off again relationship that’s on his terms is 100% narcissistic. You must ask yourself if you want to continue on interacting with an individual who doesn’t value you enough to allow you to mutually dictate the terms of the relationship.

If you want a partnership this is not the relationship for you. 

I wish you the best of luck and most of all, I wish for you to find a partner who respects, cherishes and appreciates all that you have to offer. When you find that man, please send me a message and a wedding picture because I want to share your success story!

Take care!

By Janell Hihi @copyright 2017