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Why Men/Women Play Hot & Cold in Relationships

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The game of Hot & Cold is a game of control and fear.

Whether it’s done consciously or unconsciously is irrelevant. It’s about maintaining POWER in a relationship.

It’s about getting the man or women to PURSUE.

It could also be due to financial instability but i’ll touch on that later.

Someone wants to be chased to feel validated. Both the hot and the cold phase are dysfunctional. 

The Hot phase obviously feels better then the cold phase. He showers you with text, phone calls, compliments, interesting dates, invites to events, etc.,

The cold phase he can suddenly go MIA for several days/weeks or even months without calling or texting you. It’s really strange and awkward and it stunts the growth from the momentum that was previously achieved within your interactions.

He takes you all the way to square 7 when he’s hot, but then when he’s cold, you’re back at square one. Not sure what grown woman or man has time for that!

By allowing Mister or Misses inconsistent in your space, you create a tolerance for inconsistent and toxic energy that lowers your vibration.

It’s important that we remember we invite toxicity in our etherial field and we all have a choice not to allow the energy of confusion, indecisiveness and low value attraction, into our space.

Most women email me and they decide to play the game with the guy by allowing themselves to be hot and cold to give him a taste of his own medicine.

That usually leads to nothing but a slow fade out of any desire and passion the relationship had potential for to begin with. Sure, in the short term it will definitely let a man know that two can play that game. However, if he’s just inconsistent in general, that won’t change his hard wired character. It’s a waste of time. He’ll continue to be hot and cold.

Giving into a man’s hot and cold whims is giving him validation of the power he seeks over you as a women. He may have trust issues, fear of intimacy or he may just be a player.

Regardless, he is controlling and he needs to be in charge of the momentum of the relationship.

If you enjoy inconsistency and instability stay and play the hot and cold game. By all means, if you’re not here for the shenanigans of a man who has one foot in and one foot out the door be very clear with him that you expect CONSISTENT communication or none at all.

Ignore his excuses. He’ll have many justifications as to why he has to ghost you once every other week. It’s all bullshit.

However, you should be prepared because he may open up to you and be vulnerable and tell you he is afraid of getting too close in fear of being hurt.

Take your cape off, you can’t save the sad guy. He needs to get over that fear of being hurt by himself. Tell him when he’s ready to take a risk and be vulnerable to hit you up. You may or may not be available.

If he shuts down and doesn’t respond as a result of your direct demand for basic communication, consistency and respect, he doesn’t have the skillset to be in a healthy relationship.

If he agrees to stop his hot and cold behavior but continues the hot and cold game after your discussion, cut him off immediately. Trust me, your time is better spent with someone more functional and mentally stable.

By Janell Hihi Copyright@2018

Why He Won’t Commit: Men Respond to Consequences

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Men don’t commit when a women gives off the energy that deep inside, she feels she’s not worthy of a commitment. A man’s behavior is a reflection of the women’s subconscious mind.

If you give him the cow for free, he will never buy the milk. Demanding that a man start paying for something that was given to him freely won’t have any value to him.

He won’t buy it. He won’t commit. What’s the incentive?

Better yet, what are the consequences if he doesn’t commit?

You must set the tone in the beginning of the relationship that you will not perform wife duties for a casual boyfriend.

State your intentions in a sweet and non threatening way so that he doesn’t become defensive.

By simply saying “no” if he asks you to move in with him or have unprotected sex before marriage, will indirectly let him know that he won’t get very far with you without being fully vested in taking his commitment to the next level.

Women who say marriage is just a piece of paper.

Most women who also say they don’t believe in marriage are either filthy rich or come from wealthy families and simply don’t care. Or. their self-esteem is so low that they secretly believe they don’t deserve marriage or a men won’t look at them as wife material. These women never demand much from men and mostly only participate in struggle love.

Simply telling a man “Moving in together and having unprotected sex is for married couples.” Were not ready for that right?” Will set the tone of the relationship that you have standards.

He’ll be shook. And that’s a good thing. Your value will go up tenfold because you showed him you wouldn’t settle!

If you’ve always wanted or been open to marriage, don’t sell yourself short by convincing yourself that the next best thing is the same thing. It’s not. And you deserve to have the bond you dream about – not the one that’s become convenient or “acceptable” today.

What’s trending on the dating scene is a very pessimistic and far left feminist view that marriage is meaningless because the divorce rate is so high.

Instead of reinventing marriage and carefully choosing partners, millenials choose to throw out the concept altogether.  It’s quite disturbing!

Of course if a man doesn’t want marriage he should have no interest in living with you or having children.

Just think about it. If your boyfriend thinks you’re good enough to move in with, why doesn’t he think you’re good enough to marry?

Many women are fucking up the census data because on paper they are not married but they are shacked up with a longterm boyfriend and has children with him. These women are not able to check the “Married” box on paper because they didn’t value themselves enough to protect their own legal rights.

The issue with dating today is everything is backwards now. Women give and give of themselves before commitment and expect to be matched with their efforts and commitments later. They bet their time, energy, sex and love on a future promise or sheer hope that she can love him enough to change his mind about marriage.

The secret to avoiding men who are allergic to commitment is to be the women a man has to come prepared for. You never want to be the women who accepts the man who is not prepared to commit and make it your mission to help him get prepared.

Don’t be the filler girl helping the recently separated man get through his divorce. Don’t help the unemployed guy look for a job and get on his feet.

Instead better yourself and your own situation and wait for a man who is PREPARED to commit.

He’ll leave you regardless of how much you helped him. What’s worse is after he said he didn’t believe in marriage, he’ll marry the next women he meets within a year!

Don’t believe me, just watch! I’ve seen this scenario play out time and time again.

Tyler Perry’s new movie Acrimony that will be released on March 30th is the perfect example.

She believed all her hard work and sacrifices she’s made to help her man will pay off eventually.

It didn’t pay off. He left her and Married another women at the peak of his career. He left her for the women he had to come correct with.

It is imperative to establish time limits with men. Again, men respond to consequences. If they can take everything you have to give without even calling you their fiancé and suffer no consequences… meaning you stay in the relationship and continue to act like a wife when your nothing more then a girlfriend with NO LEGAL PROTECTION.

It‘s important to check a boyfriend when he is out of his jurisdiction. 

If your boyfriend is helping you decide where to live, where to work, how to discipline kids that aren’t his, etc., He is acting like your husband not your boyfriend.

He needs to be put in his place immediately! Set parameters and boundaries for boyfriends drawing a clear line between what boyfriends influence and what a potential husband influences.

Boyfriends get your time when it’s convenient for you. Husbands get your time everyday. Know the difference, a boyfriend does not have the privilege to see you everyday! He get’s limited access and if he wants more he needs to commit more.

Stay away from men who say “Marriage is just a piece of paper” but he wants you to be EXCLUSIVE with him.

Exclusive for what?

Stay away from men who say they don’t believe in marriage. Ask him what he believes in. Watch him explain away that real love isn’t validated my marriage. Yawn and role your eyes while he banters.

Marriage is a smart business decision that secures the child, mothers and fathers future. According to a article on Pyschology.com “Unearned Privilege: 1,000+ Laws Benefit Only Married People” Married couples benefit in the following ways:

Economic:

Access to a partner’s Social Security benefits

The right to inherit property even if your spouse dies without a will

Tax breaks on estate taxes

Tax breaks on inheritance taxes

Exemptions from penalties on IRAs that unmarried people pay

Spouses can give each other huge monetary gifts ($14,000 a year, as of 2017(link is external)) without paying taxes, and together, they can give twice that amount to a recipient and the recipient won’t have to pay taxes

Income tax breaks (for married couples filing jointly compared to solo single people)

Worker’s compensation benefits

Relevant to children:

Married couples can jointly adopt children

They have claims to custody

Health-related:

Greater access to health insurance

Hospital visitation rights

When people get married in the U.S., they become officially special. With their marriage certificate in hand, they automatically qualify for the benefits and protections of more than 1,000 laws(link is external)—and that’s just counting the ones at the federal level.

People who marry do not have to do anything to earn that special treatment denied to people who are not married. They do not have to have a good marriage or a faithful marriage or a loving marriage. They do not have to have kids. They do not need to be new to marriage; they get access to the outpouring of protections regardless of whether their marriage is their first or their twenty-first.

I have mentioned the 1,000+ federal laws many times over the 10 years I have been blogging here at Psychology Today. I just realized that I never offered PT readers a list of some of the most important examples. I did do that for one of my monthly columns for Unmarried Equality(link is external), back in 2015 when the Supreme Court legalized same-sex marriage with its Obergefell v. Hodges(link is external) decision. The list of laws was relevant in that context because gaining access to those advantages was one of the important goals of those who worked so hard to make marriage equality a reality.

With thanks to Unmarried Equality(link is external) for their permission to adapt what I wrote for them, here is a sampling of some of the federal laws that benefit and protect only people who are officially married:

Economic:

Access to a partner’s Social Security benefits

The right to inherit property even if your spouse dies without a will

Tax breaks on estate taxes

Tax breaks on inheritance taxes

Exemptions from penalties on IRAs that unmarried people pay

Spouses can give each other huge monetary gifts ($14,000 a year, as of 2017(link is external)) without paying taxes, and together, they can give twice that amount to a recipient and the recipient won’t have to pay taxes

Income tax breaks (for married couples filing jointly compared to solo single people)

Worker’s compensation benefits

Relevant to children:

Married couples can jointly adopt children

They have claims to custody

Health-related:

Greater access to health insurance

Hospital visitation rights

Authority to make medical decisions

Others:

Next-of-kinship rights

Immigration rights

Survivors’ rights and benefits

Can get listed on a spouse’s death certificate

The privilege of not having to testify against your spouse in criminalcases

The privilege of having your communications with your spouse protected in criminal and civil cases.

In fact, stay away from any man who express extremism. Meaning, he is totally against commitment and marriage. You want a man who is open to possibilities who didn’t let his parent’s divorce taint his idea of love, commitment and marriage.

The man who says marriage is a piece of paper but he wants you to move in with him, cook, clean and even have his child without proposing marriage is a con man.

He will have every excuse in the book not to commit to get married. The most annoying excuse is “The divorce rate is too high” The newest excuse is “I’m not religious.” 

I wish there was a break up rate/statistic out there as a rebuttal. I would advise to steer clear of men who use statistics and focus on the negative aspect of marriage. They will likely focus on the negative aspect of everything.

He will make you’re life a living hell!

The same guy who uses divorce statistics to justify why he’s not mature enough to make a solid commitment will likely participate in other risky behavior that statistically proves to be bad for his health or his pocketbook.

The contradiction is real. So is his bullshit.

I did manage to find a few statistical statements from Andrew Ekleberry on Quora regarding relationship versus marriage statistics.

“A husband has openly, publicly, pledged with his actions, to spend his life, with a particular woman.

A boyfriend may say a bunch of words that no one else hears, but in reality has promised, and pledged nothing.

Statistically, a boyfriend relationship will last on average, about 3 years. Whereas a husband will for the most part spend the rest of his life with someone.

Legally, a wife has protections under the law, when married. A girlfriend has zero protection, and will end up completely on their own, if anything happens.

I’ve even seen where a husband passed away, and the girlfriend, that he had been living with for over 15 years, got zero, while the estranged wife, that the husband was still married too, got the house, the car, everything.

A husband is a moral, legal, and religiously affirmed real relationship.

A boyfriend… is basically nothing. A boy…. that’s a friend. That’s what “boy…. friend….” means.”

Furthermore, if a man truly doesn’t want marriage, he will reject the benefits that come with marriage. He will not move in with a women, he will not have children with her and he will not share his finances or resources. He will date and court her only, and he will not expect her to cook, clean or have his children. He won’t expect his girlfriend to have his back like a wife would. Therefore, the relationship should be casual, free and unbinding.

Imagine you’re a sales person at a car dealership and a potential buyer proposes a deal. He would like to drive a car and use it for any purpose he chooses with the option to put as many miles as he would like to on the car. Once he’s done using it, he wants to bring it back to the dealership and trade it in for a newer model.

You offer the customer a deal to buy the car. However, he declines because he doesn’t want the commitment of buying the vehicle but he wants all the benefits that comes with buying a vehicle. You rebuttal the customer by offering him to lease the vehicle but he doesn’t want to lease because he doesn’t want a cap on how many miles he can put on the vehicle without being charged extra.

What would you propose to such a difficult customer? They don’t want to buy the vehicle, however, they want to get over on you. What he wants versus what he’s willing to give is substantially out of balance.

The type of man that seriously does not want marriage will be upfront and should not expect marriage benefits. If he expects marriage benefits but doesn’t believe in a piece of paper, he’s full of shit. He will use you and bend you over every which way until he gets bored and disposes of you.

You offer him NOTHING to look forward to, and nothing to work towards. And the relationship is void of life force and excitement. Your over-giving killed it. May the bond you never let happen rest in peace.

The women who obliges to these foolish demands that men make without demanding any solid commitment of marriage in return are creating monsters for the rest of the women in the dating pool.

If he’s uncertain you’re the one, his uncertainty should cut off all his benefits. Until he becomes certain he shouldn’t be laying up under you and asking you whose texting you. Furthermore, you shouldn’t feel obligated to answer any of his questions.

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When he leaves you after using you up, he believes all women should drain themselves of their resources for a man who doesn’t believe in marriage but does believe in playing house.

When a women gives a man husband privileges without even being engaged she puts a dagger in the progress of the relationship that will forever stunt it’s growth and kill the excitement.

The man who wants you to answer to him, is the man who wants you as his wife. I believe an exclusive relationship is a marriage and a women should never commit until a ring is on her finger.

Boyfriends and exclusivity is like oil and water, they don’t mix. When did women start believing boyfriends have some type of ownership over them with the power to take them off the market?

if you’re both over the age 32… Within 2 years a man should know if you’re the one or not. No exceptions!

If you’re okay with the arrangement of being a girlfriend performing wifey duties, to each it’s own. However, if you’re just pretending to be that type of women to keep a man, stop lying to yourself.

I had a client I coached who dated a guy for 3 years. Finally after 3 years he asked her to move in with him into the house he owned.

He was paying a mortgage. He wanted her to pay half without making her his wife of putting her on the deed. She lived with him for an additional 5 years helping him pay off his house. He never married her. They eventually broke up and she moved out. Basically, he had a roommate with no legal stakes on a mortgage she helped pay. Did she get an equity check from him? NO.

Speaking of equity. Marriage and commitment is your equity. The so-called “Building together” only starts after the marriage license is secured. Everything before that either built up to marriage or was a total waste of time.

Ladies, don’t do it. This something for nothing nonsense with men must stop!

Every good negotiator ensures they get something out of the deal. Stop being weak pushovers!

Stop apologizing for what you want. It’s perfectly okay to want to be a wife. It’s not old school, it’s not old fashioned and it doesn’t make you less of an independent women. It makes you human!

What if your manager at work wanted to give you management responsibilities but refused to promote you, raise your pay or give you the title of a manager? Would you accept that? I hope not, but some of you #%€#! Basic women will.

It’s not about a piece of paper, its about how much he can get from you without giving anything in return! 

If you want more of a commitment but you’re not getting it, pull back.

When he asks you why you’re acting distant and different, tell him nicely and respectfully his inability to commit to you is a clear indication that he does not want you. Let him know you’re going to do you for now and you really don’t believe you need to give him an in depth explanation…

After all, the two of you are not committed. You’re friends! Make sure it is clear the relationship is relabeled as a friendship. The consequence should be clear, no marriage, no marriage benefits! Period, dot com!

By Janell Hihi Copyright@2018

Narcissist Will Bring Out the Worst in You.

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Narcissist will bring out the absolute worst qualities within their victims.

By constantly poking at their victims using overt and covert manipulative tactics, the victim will eventually react negatively in anger, rage and sometimes violence.

“Don’t push me cause I’m close to the edge…”

Narcissist desire to drive their victims to the edge only to push him off  so they fall into that sunken place of chronic negatively, reactivity, and self-sabotage.

An effective way to determine if a relationship is healthy is to ask yourself if your partner brings out the best in you, or the worst in you?

I had a neighbor who was 9 months pregnant and living with her narcissitic boyfriend at the time. He inflicted so much mental and emotional abuse upon her that one argument they had, changed her life forever!

She lost control during an argument with the narcissist and it turned physical. She was so angry she lost sight of the fact that she was pregnant and endangered herself and her unborn child.

The narcissist left the house as she was trying to explain how his actions and harsh words hurt her. Instead of listening, he abruptly left the house, jumped in his car and sped off. Typically, she would let him leave and cry herself into a slumber. However, this time. She felt like she had enough!

She got in her car and proceeded to chase him down a residential street going 90mph in a 30 mph zone.

She hit a car and killed the driver. She went to prison for several years after be charged with vehicular manslaughter. This is why narcissistic abuse is so dangerous!

You cannot live with, sleep with, eat with, and spend all your time with a narcissist and not absorb their toxic energy and behavior.

There’s a saying that we are the average of the top 5 people that we spend the most time with.

Unfortunately, victims of narcissistic abuse begin to manifest anger, negativity, toxicity, irresponsibility and recklessness by simply being in proximity of a narcissist for long periods of time.

You are what you eat and you become who you sleep with. Most narcissistic abuse victims don’t become full fledge narcissist but they do start to exhibit highly negative qualities that they tried to overcome at one point in their life, but the narcissist conjures up and brings those qualities back to the surface.

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For example, if you were once a cigarette smoker and had an unhealthy diet, being with a narcissist will make you want to go back to bad habits you overcame. You may begin eating unhealthy foods again, smoking cigarettes and neglecting your gym membership because the narcissist will stress you out to the point of depression and hopelessness.

Most victims of narcissistic abuse will cling to any form of comfort they can to cope with their abuse regardless of how unhealthy that source of comfort may be. 

Depression takes individuals away from the hobbies and activities that once made them happy.  From there on out, the victim of narcissistic abuse will begin to see their life spiral downward into hopelessness and despair.

The narcissist will mock your weaknesses. If they find a chink in your armor they will continually poke at it until you snap and lose control.

When the narcissist can provoke the victim into reacting angrily and emotionally, they begin to play the victim like a puppet on a string.

The narcissist wishes to strip the victim of their good qualities and virtues so that they can bring out the absolute worst in their partner. Once that is accomplished and the victim is an emotionally reactive, angry and out of control… the narcissist will begin a smear campaign painting his partner as the crazy villain while they play the victim role.

Don’t let it go that far. Get Out!

By Janell Hihi Copyright@2018

The Number 1 Reason You Can’t Get Over Him

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Regardless if you were in a relationship with a narcissist or not, if you’re grieving beyond a reasonable time frame – you invested too much into the relationship.

It’s easy to place all the blame on a narcissist and their so-called abusive behavior. It’s an entire other issue to avoid acknowledging that perhaps you invested too much time, energy, money or emotion into that relationship.

When one person gives too much, the scale is left unbalanced. The person who did the most feels extremely slighted when the relationship ends.

The individual that gives more to others then they give to themselves will always have a very difficult time getting over an ex. The resentment developed from feeling like you wasted time, energy and resources on a man that you could of invested in yourself triggers anger that is hard to resolve.

This is why we must always put ourselves first. Otherwise, we’ll put unrealistic demands on our partners to satisfy needs they aren’t required to that would make us feel happy and secure about ourselves.

Believe it or not, the bigger an individuals ego, the harder it will be to get over heartache and pain.

The ego has a difficult time accepting that a relationship didn’t work out because the ego believes that the self is perfect and anyone who doesn’t recognize that perfection by expressing disinterest is held captive in the victims mind like a hostage.

Letting go of someone who hurt you shouldn’t feel like you’re giving them a pass. If it does, check your ego at the door. No one is above getting hurt, being betrayed or deceived. A mentally mature person not overly identified with the ego doesn’t allow heartbreak to change how they feel about themselves.

Self-esteem should not waver from high to low based on whether or not a man decides to leave or stay.

Getting over an ex first requires you to get over yourself.

Nothing annoys me more when I hear women say, “I can’t believe he hurt me.” I always ask them why they can’t believe it?

After a long pause, most women reply by stating how many guys are waiting to date them, how often they get asked out, some even point out how much money they make or their social status as if it’s impossible just because they model part-time that any guy would think of leaving them or cheating on them.

My favorite answer is “I gave him everything!” If you give him everything, you gave too much. Keep some of yourself for yourself and the next time a relationship ends letting go will be a lot easier.

By Janell Hihi @Copyright 2018

 

 

 

To The Women Who is Afraid to Appear Needy

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I had a conversation with a friend a few days ago who hadn’t heard from a guy she’s been dating in a few days. Apparently, sometimes they go days without communicating.

They’d been dating for 2 months and she becomes anxious because she really likes the guy but she is unsure about where the relationship is going because her expectation is they should be communicating more as they get to know each other, not less.

I asked her why she wouldn’t just take the initiative and contact him instead of just passively accepting the dead silence. She said she doesn’t want to initiate communication because she doesn’t want to come off as being needy.

The desire to communicate with a man you’re dating once a day is not coming off as needy by any means.

Daily communication is not the same as demanding he put a ring on your finger. It’s quite basic. And if you’re the type of women who is afraid to come off a certain way and that prevents you from asking for what you want or communicating… Insecurity is your issue and it needs to be addressed.

It’s important to want what you want unapologetically. Men respect that. This doesn’t mean you should be desperate, it means that you can pick up the phone and say “Hey, what’s up, I miss u.”

Regardless if you get a reciprocating reply or ignored, you wanted to communicate, so you did.

Trying to control a man’s perception of you is impossible. In addition, perception control is a narcissistic characteristic.

If you’re afraid of coming off as needy, you’re really just afraid of expressing how you truly feel. How you truly feel is authenticity which is the seed for growth in relationships.

By Janell Hihi Copyright@2018

The One Phrase Narcissist Say That Gives Them Away

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Selfish narcissistic men always speak in terms of what benefits YOU can provide to THEM.

The sense of entitlement the narcissistic wears like the smirk across his sadistic face compels him to believe that he is the prize and the women trying to win his heart must work to earn his love.

In his mind, he is the prize.

The same is true with narcissistic women. She believes her very presence earns her the right to be worshipped!

The one phrase narcissistic men always say that gives them away is, “So, do you cook and clean for your man?”

Narcissist want all the benefits with the least amount of commitment.

No man on earth determines whether he wants to be with a women based on how good she can mop a floor and cook chicken.

It’s utter bullshit that’s passed along the mainstream as something meaningful a women can provide a man. It’s a nice add on benefit but it won’t be the reason he puts a ring on it!

And beware of any man who puts an emphasis on a women cooking and cleaning because that’s a red flag that he’s a bit old fashioned and possibly abusive. If a women has any ambition besides baking a pie he’ll throw a grown man tantrum.

When the narcissist ask do you cook and clean?

A mentally healthy women would answer that question with the following statements:

“I just met you, I’d like to get to know you more before answering that. With all do respect, at this point that’s not relevant.”

Then she will proceed to change the subject and asking the narcissist what’s his favorite color.

You see, the narcissist will ask incredibly obnoxious questions on the very first date. It’s a part of their love bombing scam to appear really interested in you romantically as if it’s love at first sight.

At first it’s flattering but when you know the game, it’s hilarious. After you read my upcoming book How to Defeat a Narcissist you’ll be well equipped to handle every interaction you have with a narcissist.

A domesticated women the narcissist doesn’t have to marry is the perfect prize to him.

If for some reason he does get married, he will definitely push a prenuptial agreement even if he makes less then his fiancé. Narcissist are afraid to be vulnerable and fully give themselves to another. The possibility of a women receiving half of his crumbs is unbearable to the narcissist. Although they work hard to play the loving and romantic boyfriend role. It’s all an act! The narcissist shows his true face when it’s time to get down to business and sign paperwork.

The number one question narcissistic women ask without any commitment to being in a relationship with a man is “My car note is due next week, I need help paying it. Can you help me please?”

Narcissist want benefits as soon as they bless you with their presence! A debt is owed from you to them whenever they answer your text, show up for a date or laugh at your jokes.

“We are to give (and take) true love without falling into the narcissistic habit of only trying to take it in.”

By Janell Hihi @copyright 2018

Narcissist Never Leave. They Linger Around: They are Neither Here Nor There.

Narcissist can’t leave their supply unless they have a plan B on the sidelines that will be a smooth transition for them to enter once they leave their main partner or their partner leaves them.

As soon as the narcissist realizes that his main supply (his current girlfriend) no longer believes the illusion of who he pretends to be, the narcissist will start looking for replacement supply.

As I mention in my upcoming book, How to Defeat a Narcissist, the narcissist is very intuitive and they know when their partner is contemplating leaving them for good.

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Instead of working through those problems narcissist only have one solution in their limited mental arsenal. That solution is to leave the problems unsolved and leave you by replacing you with someone else.

Working through relationship problems with a narcissist is impossible. This is because they deny the issues exist in the first place.

Typically what occurs is the narcissist begins to seek out a new partner who is very similar to their current partner to avoid grieving the relationship once it inevitably ends. The narcissist hopes that the new partner will accept their abuse without questioning or criticizing them.

Narcissist want obedience and submission, not love. They don’t want anything or anyone around them that challenges them to grow!

This is exactly why narcissist fail to learn from their mistakes. They are maladaptive. Narcissist never give themselves time to heal from a break up. They immediately jump into another relationship to avoid pain.

The toxic relationship that narcissist have with pain compels them to avoid it. Unfortunately, narcissist lack the ability to accept pain and heartache as a natural part of life that every human being must endure.

Narcissist never endure, they only AVOID. 

Narcissist avoid anything and everything that is difficult to bear that normal, and mentally healthy individuals are able to get through and learn from. 

Narcissist are seeking new sources of supply the minute you begin to challenge them, question them, or call them out on their behavior.

Calling a narcissist out on their behavior and not taking responsibility for their behavior, makes them accountable for what they say and do.

Narcissist never want to be accountable. The minute their partner demands their accountability the narcissist mask begins to crack and their illusion is threatened.

Narcissist don’t want a real relationship that challenges them to be a a better person. They want a perception, a facade, an appearance of real love. To appear in love is better then actually being in love to a narcissist

Everything is just for show. The minute you crack their false persona is the minute the process of replacing you begins. They seek out replacement supply desperately, and passionately. They put all their energy into finding a person to replace their current partner behind their back.

As soon as they find a new victim and secure them, they discard their partner in a way that relives them of commitment but still gives them access to their old partner at their convenience. Therefore, the narcissist never completely leaves. He stays in the background so that he can still have access to you.

Example, my narcissistic ex would break up with me but still want to be friends with benefits. He would say, “I will always love you but a relationship is too much for me right now, I need to be alone. I still have needs and since you’re the last person I had sex with, I’d like to continue having sex with just you.”

It’s a sugarcoated way of demoting his partner to a booty call while he builds a strong relationship with his new supply.

They will seek out a person who looks like you, who has a similar personality, even a similar looking child… it’s eerie and weird. They want to continue where they left of at so that they avoid grieving you. It’s a twisted cycle of illusion and avoidance.

The narcissist will never completely leave you. He needs you as side supply to gratify his enormous ego when his new supply disappoints him.

Another example is my narcissistic exes would text or email me randomly when I haven’t heard from them in months or even years. Basically, when the narcissist experiences issues in their current relationships, they reach out to exes for ego strokes.

Instead of dealing with the issues in their current relationship they reach out to exes or look for new supply instead. What results is a multitude of unresolved issues that pile up to the point that the narcissist or their partner eventually leaves. This is the end result of mostly all the narcissist relationships.

Everything about the narcissist is UNRESOLVED. Whether it’s issues with their childhood, their parents, untreated abuse, past relationships, addiction, etc.,

The narcissist wants to put you in his bottomless vortex of unresolved issues so that you remain stuck and unable to completely remove yourself from the narcissist’s trap. GET OUT. The narcissist won’t ever fully leave you. It is up to you to cut the narcissist off for good.

By Janell Hihi @Copyright 2018

How to Get Over a Narcissist Fast: Why Victim’s of Narcissistic Abuse Must Learn to Be More Narcissistic

Hey, if you’re reading this I know you may be feeling hurt, stuck, and focused on the pain inflicted onto you by narcissistic abuse.

From a survivor, I write this article to tell you that it’s time to let go. It’s time to be grateful, not sad!

The ending of a relationship with a narcissist means that at one point in your life you matched his frequency.  A frequency that allowed you to believe that you didn’t deserve real love.

However, now that it’s over, you leveled up. You outgrew the narcissist and a toxic relationship.

Congratulations!

You’re smarter. You’re better. It happened and now it’s over!

I’M GIVING YOU PERMISSION TO MOVE ON!

Stop licking your wounds. You greived. You’re healed, and your life is waiting for you to live again.

The best medicine is to push forward and focus on what you want rather then what you think you lost.

Challenge yourself. Do things you’re afraid of. Go on adventures, meet new people, join clubs, organizations, take up a new hobby.

Being brave and trying new things completely renews your spirit. It also places you in the energy frequency of bravery and confidence.

Ultimately, regardless of who hurts us, our lives come to down to what we allow ourselves to experience.

If you continue to greive well after the 6-12 months it typically takes to get over a narcissist, you are choosing to stay stuck in the past and in the pain.

You see, the narcissist knows there are more fish in the sea. They know they can move on and find someone new. You, however, still feel slighted and afraid to love and trust again.

Coming Soon!

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And I know your mad, asking yourself how they could move on so fast? It’s really not that hard if your optimistic about your own future. Victims are narcissistic abuse get angry because they can’t move on but the narcissist can.

It’s not the narcissist fault that you think you can’t do any better.

I urge you to step out of the frequency of pain.

You will continue to attract narcissist and toxic people into your life if you contunously focus on the bad relationship you had with a narcissist.

What you focus on GROWS.

It’s a viscous cycle when a person chooses to stay focused on a narcissist well after the relationship has ended.

It’s obsession. You think, “Oh, the narcissist hurt me so bad it’s going to take me a very long time to recover. I’m traumatized.”

It is what you tell yourself it is! Negative self talk is you doing the narcissist work for him!

No wonder he’s discarded you. He knows you’ll self sabotage and he can move on to new supply now. Obvioulsy his work is done.

Of course you want to blame the narcissist because they did horrible things to you. However, the narcissist doesn’t care if you blame them. You don’t matter to them nor does your hurt or pain.

They move on like you never existed and you need to learn from them in that regard.

The narcissist is not forcing you to stay stuck in pain. They have a new source of supply. Staying stuck is your choice and it means you need to re-adjust your focus.

The narcissist is doing good! They are not looking back. Unless they need a temporary ego boost, then they may send you a late night text or random email looking for an ego stroke.

Regardless if the narcissist is deserving or not. They are going after the life they want and the people who will get them closer to it. Are you? 

Narcissist move on because they’re narcissism gives them the confidence to believe that they can get on with their lives and bad relationships will never hold them back!

Victims of narcissistic abuse focuses on how the narcissist is moving forward with their life and the victim perceives his new supply as something he doesn’t deserve. The victim repeatedly thinks to themselves, “It’s not fair!”

The narcissist deserves his new supply because he believes he does. New supply does not mean the narcissist is doing better but it is perceived by the victim that he is.

Our perception of the narcissist moving on and being happier without us is outweighing the reality that the narcissist may not be happy at all.

Carefully observe your own perceptions because you may be deceiving yourself. What we tell ourselves about a narcissist is more damaging then the reality of who the narcissist actually is.

If you find yourself focused on a past relationship with a narcissist there may be codependency issues preventing you from thriving forward and enjoying your life.

That goes beyond the narcissistic abuse you experienced in a relationship. There is an underlying persistent pessimism and an inability to take control of your thoughts, and refocus your life!

Think about other times, before the relationship with the narcissist when you fail to take the wheel and drive. Are you too passive? Do you overly invest in other people and not yourself? 

It’s time to confess that you had an unhealthy amount of your happiness invested in the relationship with the narcissist. It’s also time to forgive yourself for that.

Codependnecy and narcisism is two different sides of the same coin. Narcissism and codependcy are both extremes.

To become a balanced individual if a past narcissistic relationship is stopping you from thriving forward in your life, you should become more narcissistic.

There is a such thing as being too empathetic and too concerned with others. It’s a distraction from focusing on yourself. Narcissist focus on themselves. This is how they win. This is why you don’t understand about them. This is why we all hate them.

Hyper focus on yourself and your own needs and desires. Put yourself first. Be selfish. Then observe how what you focus on magically manifests in your life.

Try to accomplish a happy medium between the two extremes of narcissim and codependency. Press forward, dress to kill, approach men you like and ask them out, bungee jump, apply for the job you always wanted, only say yes when you mean it and stay in the present moment.

The past is a prison.

LIVE. YOUR. LIFE.

The narcissist is living his! Learn from him. If you think you didn’t have anything to learn from a narcissist, you may be a narcissist!

Narcissist believe that they know it all and they’re is nothing else left to learn. This is why they’re emotional intelligence is that of a 5 year old.

It’s okay to learn about narcissism and how to recognize abuse. However, it is more essential to learn why you allowed it and how you will heal that deficiency within yourself. That is how you take back your power.

Ask yourself this question: What was the purpose of the relationship with the narcissist? And what was your number 1 lesson?

Make the experience with the narcissist about YOU. Not about the narcissist. Not about what you believe he took from you.

I own my mistakes. Especially when it comes to getting what I want and living a life that serves my purpose.

Focus on what you want in life, not what the narcissist didn’t give you!

My book is coming soon. Stay tuned! This is a game changer. Extensive research coming from my own soul, psychologist, and spiritual leaders. Unique perspective on narcissism from a mind, body and soul perspective!

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By Janell Hihi @copyright 2018

How The Narcissist Subtly Chips Away at Your Self-Esteem.

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Narcissist Possess an Uncanny ability to make their victims completely lose themselves.

Narcissist laugh at their partners under their breath in a very subtle in cunning way to slowly but surely, chip away their partners self-esteem.

Narcissist are skilled sculptors who carve away at their partners sense of self to mold them into a smaller, co-dependent and insignificant figurine.

The narcissist wants their victim to turn on themselves. They want their partners to lower their expectations, discard their personal boundaries and throw away their values in order to be in a relationship with them.

The only way to defeat a narcissist is to stick with your values and never lower your expectations or boundaries to accommodate the narcissist desires. Narcissist stand no chance with individuals who are grounded in self-love and self-respect.

Believe it or not, the narcissist does not want to destroy you. The narcissist wants you to destroy YOURSELF!

The narcissist highest goal is to be a masterful manipulator to the point where they abuse you in such a subtle way that you have no idea what’s going on. Nor does anybody else around them.

Narcissist are NOT confrontational. They are cowards and they never want to get to the real issues. They revel behind your back and smile in your face by simultaneously complimenting you and low-key insulting you at the same time!

Of course, when they’re with friends and family and their partner is not around, the narcissist will talk very badly about their partner in a joking way to disguise their inner hatred and turmoil they feel toward their partner.

Basically, the narcissist significant other is always the brunt of the narcissist low-key insulting jokes.

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The number one characteristic that narcissist like to attack is their partners level of intelligence.

I dated a narcissist who spoke very badly about his baby mamas. Of course, he had more then one.

His most recent baby momma he would refer to as an airhead with no education. He would joke about things she would do as a new mother that made her appear to lack common sense.

It was alarming how quickly he would say terrible things about her character referring to her as sexually promiscuous, not very intelligent and irresponsible. Then, in the very next instant he would say how much he once loved her and how badly she hurt him.

Nothing the narcissist says makes any sense whatsoever. This is part of the plan to keep the victim stuck in a perpetual state of confusion.

My ex would also constantly put down his ex wife who has a child with him and refer to her as ghetto and weird because of her personal style.

Once his ex wife called, while I was with him and she asked him if he knows anyone who can fix her car and he said to her, “No, that’s not my problem. Why are you calling me?!” Then he hung up on her. Mind you, his best friend is a co-owner at a auto shop.

I thought to myself, how could he be so nice to me and so rude and disrespectful to the mothers of his children? Obviously, he made me feel like I was better than them and he would never talk to me that way. Boy, was I naive!

Of course, with all those glaring red flags, I stuck around because I didn’t want to deal with tending to my own issues which is why I choose to be in a relationship instead of rebuilding my life after divorce.

That’s another blog.

Narcissist will show you how they will treat you after the honeymoon phase by showing you how they treat others around them.

Look at how they treat strangers asking for directions, waiters, their parents, and the mother of their child.

Watch their tone, their body language and the cruel and lifeless look in their eyes.

As I watched my ex talk badly about how stupid his ex girlfriend was, I immediately noticed how he got off on it.

Narcissist need to feel superior to their partners at all times.

First the narcissist indirectly insults their partner with sarcasm disguised as humor.

They will make undermining comments about their partners intelligence, weight, personal style, occupation, family and even their child.

The narcissist will sometimes directly insult their partner but that is very rare. The narcissist wants to plant the seed of self-doubt and insanity within their partner.

It’s far more convincing if the victim starts believing that they are stupid, crazy and irresponsible rather than the narcissist directly telling them to their face.

Narcissist plant seeds. Most narcissist never directly criticize or verbally insult their significant others. However, there is exceptions if or when they go into narcissist rage.

It’s important to understand that the narcissist vets out narcissistic supply by choosing a partner who they feel is “less than” them. Or, by choosing a partner who they believe they can easily break down.

They prefer partners who make less money, are less educated or significantly younger so that they can instill in the younger partner that they are inferior because of their age and/or maturity.

The narcissist will do whatever it takes to feel more significant in the relationship. I found it very difficult to tell my ex about the things that were happening in my life because I feared he would judge and criticize me like he did with his ex girlfriends.

Narcissist judge others harshly while their own life is falling apart.

Of course, narcissist can be hiding assets in storage, avoiding financial ruin, filing bankruptcy and foreclosed on 3 different properties but somehow, they can still muster up the words to judge other people harshly.

You would think because they are so critical, they’re lives must be perfect. That is so far from the truth.

I remember when I first met my narcissistic ex, it seems he could do no wrong and he’d never try to make me feel bad about myself because he constantly swooned me with compliments.

I got a wake up call when suddenly I started waking up in the middle of the night with panic attacks and he had the audacity to tell me, he didn’t want to be with a girl who had panic attacks.

He said he wanted to be with a “healthy girl.”

I was so hurt and confused because this man was on 3 different anti-depressant medications and I accepted the fact that he would probably be on anti-depressants for the rest of his life to treat his depression.

However, when one little medical issue appeared with me, he was ready to leave the relationship.

Who the narcissist is, and who he thinks he is, remains a stagnating self-delusion. 

It turns out, all the stress of dealing with my ex narcissist from our on and off again relationship activated my Graves Disease which was doormat for years. My hyperthyroid gave me panic attacks in the middle of the night. When I left him, it only took 3 weeks for my panic attacks to completely subside.

I’d rather have a man beat me to a pole, then chip away at my soul like the vampiric narcissist does so well. 

If you stick around long enough without appearing completely destroyed by the narcissist, he will start to beat you down physically and mentally. It’s best to play dead and get out before it get’s to that point.

It’s important to remember the narcissist move in a subtle way to subconsciously manipulate you into destroying yourself so that he doesn’t has to. That way, he can continue to tell everyone, “She’s crazy.”

Listen to that little voice of reason that whispers to you, “Something is NOT right about this person.” Then Run for your life!

By Janell Hihi @Copyright 2018