How the Narcissist Can Turn Their Victims From Confident to Codependent


Before you met the narcissist you were happy and content with your life. You may have had a few confidence issues, but nothing that stopped you from living your life to the fullest.

However, after the honeymoon phase of your relationship with the narcissist, you experience the toxic, devaluation stage where the love the narcissist once gave is replaced with lies, manipulation and hate.

The 360 Effect

The narcissist shocks their victims into to codependency by changing so abruptly from being Prince Charming to Hellraiser!

The shock creates insecurity, confusion, anxiety, and unrest within the victim. They just want to know why things changed and if it could ever go back to the way it used to be.

The narcissist then throws fuel into the fire by introducing the sadistic mental tactic of Gaslighting.

According to an article by Psychology Today:

“The Oxford Dictionary defines codependency as “excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner.” In a gaslighting relationship, the gaslighter elicits constant insecurity and anxiety in the gaslightee, thereby pulling the gaslightee by the strings. The gaslighter has the power to grant acceptance, approval, respect, safety, and security. The gaslighter also has the power (and often threatens to) take them away. A codependent relationship is formed based on fear, vulnerability, and marginalization.”

The narcissist tries to transform his victim into a weakling in desperate need of his love, affection, approval and validation. Why? Because that makes him feel powerful. He is weak without that power. The victim is just a vessel he can extract from.

The narcissist wants a puppet not a partner in his relationship. He wants to be the remote that can push your buttons and control your actions, how you feel and most importantly, your self-confidence.

The narcissist wants his victim to self-sabotage

The narcissist doesn’t necessarily want to outright destroy his victim. He wants the victim to destroy themselves. Gaslighting is the vehicle he uses to employ his twisted desires.

Below is a list of sure fire signs you’re a victim of Gaslighting

  • Discrediting you by making other people think that you’re crazy, irrational or unstable.
  • Using a mask of confidence, assertiveness, and/or fake compassion to make you believe that you “have it all wrong.” Therefore, eventually, you begin to doubt yourself and believe their version of past events.
  • Changing the subject. The gaslighter may divert the topic by asking another question, or making a statement usually directed at your thoughts, e.g. “You’re imagining things—that never happened!”  “No, you’re wrong, you didn’t remember right.”  “Is that another crazy idea you got from your (family member/friend)?”
  • Minimizing.  By trivializing how you feel and what you think, the gaslighter gains more and more power over you, e.g. “Why are you being so sensitive?” “You don’t need to get angry over a little thing like that!” “I was just joking around, why are you taking things so seriously?”
  • Denial and avoidance. By refusing to acknowledge your feelings and thoughts, the gaslighter causes you to doubt yourself more and more.  For example, “I don’t remember that, you must have dreamt it!” “You’re lying, I never said that.” “I don’t know what you’re talking about, you’re changing the subject.”
  • Twisting and reframing. When the gaslighter confidently and subtly twists and reframes what was said or done in their favor, they can cause you to second-guess yourself—especially when paired with fake compassion, making you feel as though you are “unstable,” “irrational,” and so forth.  For example, “I didn’t say that, I said _____” “I didn’t beat you up Johnny, I just gave you a smack around the head—that’s what all good fathers do.”  “If you remember correctly, I was actually trying to help you.”

Be strong. Be committed to your values, morals and boundaries. Do not let the narcissist turn you into a needy, insecure, codependent puppet they can play with.

By J. Hihi @Copyright2019

Water Signs: Pisces, Cancer, Scorpio Have Avoidant Personality Types


Hate is a strong word.

But it’s almost an understatement when trying to describe the level of pity I feel for water signs (Pisces, Scorpio, Cancer) Especially when they try to manipulate me with their watery schemes disguised as charm and mystery.

I hold my breath dealing with people born in the water element. I’ve learned how to come up for air before I drowned dealing with water signs. Water signs invented love bombing. Unfortunately, they also invented devaluation and discard once they come to terms with reality when their unjustified and exaggerated emotions meet head on with reality.

Yes, I am a water sign survivor!

Scorpio is my favorite water sign because they are fixed. Yes, I know I wrote a blog about how much I hate them. However, they are the lesser of the two evils; Cancer and Pisces.

I tend to get along much better with zodiac signs born after Libra. Typically Scorpio, Sag, Capricorn, Aquarius and Pisces.

Needless to say, Cancer is my least favorite water signs! They are the astrological adolescnence stuck at the pre-teen age esoterically for life. This is why they are such moody, hormonal, sensitive, egotistical, selfish signs that ever existed.


Jussie Smollett is a Cancer. They do childish things that mock other people’s pain and tragedies without feeling a grain of remorse. Cancers can act out emotions and feelings but have a very difficult time authentically feeling emotions and feelings although modern day astrologers will have you believing Cancers some how mastered emotions… they have not!

Needless to say, there’s no wonder the water sign Cancer is the most booked criminal according to the FBI.

However, they have mastered acting out and mocking the emotions of others. This is why they are some of the world’s greatest actors and actresses. Don’t believe me? Google “Actors who are Cancers” The line up is impressive!

I am not sure what is going on in the universe, but I am single and dating now… and everyone I attract is either a Cancer, Scorpio or Pisces. There are a few Gemini’s sprinkled in the mix. Not very good options at all. I often consider lately if God is punishing me!

Two Reason Water Signs Embrace Avoidance


#1 Water signs make decisions based on emotion.

Emotionally charged decisions are usually the worst decisions one will make in their lifetime. Feelings and emotions fluctuate. It’s better to act when emotions aren’t clouding logic. Emotional decisions usually lead to passion crimes, heinous jealous acts, bad financial decisions and chaotic relationship habits. I highly recommend that every water sign learn how to meditate, focus on thoughts and emotions while allowing themselves to calm down before making drastic decisions based on temporary and petty feelings!

If you can make a water sign always feel good, you can literally get them to do ANYTHING for you regardless of how deplorable it is!

They act on feelings. The issue is feelings aren’t always grounded in reality. Feelings can come from negative thought patterns and fear. This is why most water signs are highly unpredictable and can change their mind at the drop of a dime. Feelings don’t always make sense but water signs don’t care about making sense… they only care about how things makes them feel.

“If it feels good it can’t be wrong!”

-Said every unfaithful and untrustworthy water sign.

#2 Overactive Imagination. Water signs live in every dimension.

Water signs are limitless. They don’t just see things on the earthly, material plane. This is a curse and a blessing. For the water signs living in their dark side it makes them unable to see the reality of a situation. They make situations what they want them to be and ignore what they actually are.

The overactive imagination paints pictures of sunshine and rainbows or doom and gloom and no amount of logical explaining can take the water sign off of cloud nine.

To communicate with a water sign start your sentences off with the following words: “I feel” Never say, “According to” or cite a logical reference that would insert FACTS into the conversation. They don’t care about facts. There’s something both beautiful and disturbing about that…

This is what makes water signs avoidant. They are so unbelievably imaginative and clever that they can snatch you from reality and bring you into their fictitious dream world that feels real!

Water signs can persuade others to avoid reality and responsibility by overemphasizing the importance of feelings.

In conclusion, water signs can go years avoiding problems hoping that those problems just go away. Water signs can escape those problems by quickly jumping into rebound relationships after break ups or worse… turning to drugs, alcohol or fetishes. ANYTHING to avoid reality! After all, to the dreamy water signs, reality is nothing but a myth that can be disputed, refuted and transmuted!

Unfortunately, most water signs suffer from Toxic Positivity.

Thinking positive is great but negative thinking can prevent disastrous events from occurring. It can serve as a protection mechanism when necessary. I believe Scorpio understands this. However, Pisces & Cancer have a difficult time comprehending why negativity is necessary at all.

If you’re dealing with a water sign understand and accept that they have an avoidant personality type. If their feelings change for you, they will probably ghost and leave you without closure.

Water signs don’t believe in the gift of goodbye. Besides, what if they need you in the future or what if they were wrong about you and want to come back to you in a few months or years?

All water signs have an open door policy. Don’t hate the water sign. Hate the game.

By J.Hihi @Copyright 2019



What’s the Real Problem? Your Self-Esteem or The Narcissist?


This question came to mind today while I read a post from a victim of narcissistic abuse in a private facebook group.

Since the narcissist isn’t putting a gun to your head forcing you to be in a relationship with them, why do victims often choose to stay?

Is the determining factor self-esteem?

Why is it that some women can walk away from a narcissist in a heartbeat at the first sign of mental, emotional or verbal abuse (Devaluation stage) but other women cannot?

The only plausible answer is self-esteem.

Women with high self-esteem easily find the courage to leave at the first signs of abuse. They usually don’t stick around waiting for things to change because their self-esteem reminds them that they can do better.

If your self-esteem is telling you that you can’t do any better than the narcissist, more than likely the real culprit is your lack of self-worth, not so much the narcissist’s abuse.

Afterall, there’s only so many times they should be allowed to manipulate us until we see the ugly truth of who they are and walk away once and for all.

Today, ask yourself what’s the real reason you stay trapped in a relationship with a narcissist?

Is it because YOU don’t believe YOU have the strength to walk away?

Is it because YOU don’t feel YOU can do any better?

Journal the answer and reflect on that. Feel free to comment below!


“What really frightens and dismays us is not external events themselves, but the way in which we think about them. It is not people that disturb us, but our interpretation of their significance.”
― Epictetus

Self-esteem is determined by how we rate others significance to our existence. Are you putting the narcissist on a pedestal by exaggerating their significance in your life?

It seems as though victims of narcissistic abuse idealize the narcissist to justify why they continue to accept narcissistic abuse. Today, stop idealizing the narcissist and see them for who they are. More importantly, look in the mirror and see you for who you are. You deserve better!


J. HIhi @Copyright 2019

It’s Your Responsibility to Heal from What the Narcissist Did to You

I’ve been there! I wanted the narcissist to pay for what he did to me and how horrible he made me feel.

But nothing I did to try to make him pay worked. I was still hurt.

I waited for karma to come in and serve him a cold dish. That never happened!

What goes around doesn’t always come back around.

And we make it an obsession to see if it does.

It may be their fault for manipulating you.

BUT it’s your responsibility to heal from the pain, move on and become a wiser and stronger person because of it.

That won’t happen after you see the narcissist get what they deserve. It will only happen when you turn inward and hyper focus on your own healing.

Taking responsibility is not an admission of guilt. It’s total acceptance that only you have the power to heal yourself.

As long as you keep blaming the narcissist the more ammunition they have to keep you stuck in victim mode, paralyzed spiritually.

It may not feel like it now, but there’s a blessing in the mess the narcissist caused in your life. You are about to awaken to your truth!

Today, forget about whose fault it is… instead take responsibility and work hard to change the way you feel. Check out the video from Will Smith that inspired my blog. “Fault vs Responsibility”

eBook Release: How to Defeat a Narcissist


  • Are you or a loved one trapped in a relationship with a Narcissist?
  • Are you struggling to find a way to beat them and escape the trap they set to ensnare you? 

    Do you want to live a happier and more fulfilling life?

    Living in a relationship, where fear, anger, hurt and low self-esteem are the tools that are used to keep you is dangerous! For most of us, we want loving and secure relationships in which we are equal. But that isn’t what the Narcissist wants.

    It’s time to take back your power.

    This book will breakdown narcissistic myths and replace them with raw and unfiltered facts that will arm you with the mental weaponry to take down a narcissist effortlessly. Be prepared to bookmark word for word comebacks that will shut down gaslighting, mental, and verbal abuse.

More importantly, learning how to deal with narcissists in general is crucial to maintaining happiness and well-being. It serves as a lifetime guide to finding and developing healthy relationships.

This book will reveal the glitch in the narcissistic matrix. It’s your way out! For far too long, victims of narcissistic abuse played checkers while the narcissist was playing chess.

It’s time to upgrade your game and play to win! Are you ready to heal for real?

In this book, you will find your own set of tools to use to reclaim your life and heal from narcissistic abuse to emerge smarter & stronger than ever before.

This book will cover the topics listed below and much more…

-The number one characteristic that defines a Narcissist
-Why they pursued you
-How to deal with a narcissist you can’t discard (Family, coworkers)
-How to shut down gaslighting
-Recognizing and defeating love bombing
-Projection as a means of manipulation
-Why the Narcissist must keep you afraid of losing them
-Healing from Narcissistic abuse
-How to manipulate the narcissist
-How to discard the narcissist before they discard you
-How to properly unmask a narcissist
-The physical, mental & Spiritual Consequences of narcissistic abuse

It’s time to fight back and this book will show you exactly how to do it!

Read an excerpt from the books introduction below…

Narcissist are always reinventing their craft. Narcissist are like bacteria. Once exposed to an antibiotic they recreate themselves to adapt to the new environment. As they advance in recreation, we must too! Once an individual reveals their narcissistic ways it’s too late because at that point the victim has already fell in love with a lie. Removing the venom from the bite of narcissistic abuse is painful but it’s possible.

The first round of the fight with a narcissist is a game of hide and seek. The narcissist is pretending to be someone they’re not, do you have the knowledge to see through their smoke screen?”

Click here to Purchase and/or look inside the eBook listed on Amazon

Paperback and audible version coming soon!


J.HIhi @Copyright 2019

Just Leave: The Timing is Never Going to Be Right


I looked through some of my old diaries today. I finally had some time to reflect on what I’ve been through but most importantly what I was strong enough to overcome.

When I was faced with the decision to leave toxic relationships, the timing was always bad and the circumstances, even worse.

I learned the hard way that there is never a perfect time to leave. There’s never a good time or a more convenient day. Today is the only day. Tomorrow is not promised and yesterday is dust lingering, quickly fading. Gone.

If you’re in a toxic relationships and you’re telling yourself, “I’ll wait until I get a job, I’ll wait until I save more money, or I’ll wait to see if he changes…” Stop prolonging the inevitable. You will need to leave eventually. You can’t continue to breath poison and survive. Leave now!

Either you’ll get discarded by the narcissist and have no choice but to move on or you will reach your breaking point and be forced to leave!

The funny thing about finally deciding to really leave is that when you build up the courage, the circumstances couldn’t be more dire.

But wait…

This is your chance to live the courageousness that you feel. This is the time to push through and make due with tears streaming down your face and uncertainty overwhelming you…

Sometimes we don’t have an exit plan. Sometimes the only exit plan is to GO! We make a plan as we go along. If you have to stay in a women’s shelter, live with a family member or friend or drive across the country for refuge. Just go!

And somehow, with the grace of God, when we leave doors begin to open. Resources become available, helpers come along the way to assist us in our struggle of rebirth mentally, physically and financially.

It’s a journey.

There isn’t a map you can download… No GPS to guide you- Just courage, faith and determination!

Nothing is holding you back.



Please share in the comment section if you’re a survivor of narcissistic abuse and how you decided to leave… what was your breaking point? What obstacles did you face? Most importantly, how did you overcome? Your stories will inspire others! I look forward to reading!

By Janell Hihi @Copyright 2019

When The Narcissist Threatens To Commit Suicide


The No Contact Rule is hard enough to accomplish alone. Imagine the narcissist showing up on your doorstep threatening to kill himself if you don’t go back to them?

Unfortunately, the fake suicide tactic is very common among narcissist. It’s their last resort to try to win back their partner. It’s an excellent form of manipulation because most people don’t take suicide threats lightly.

Suicide threats from the narcissist will provoke victims of narcissistic abuse to show pity for the narcissist and it may inspire them to put back on their cape and try to nurture and save the narcissist.

The narcissist may just say he needs a friend and he doesn’t want to get back with you but he’s lying, as usual!

The narcissist will use this classic fake suicide tactic to crawl back in through the good graces of his victim to resume the toxic relationship they once had.

I am warning you, don’t take the fake suicide bait!

If a narcissist threatens suicide contact the local authorities and report the threat. Do not respond to the narcissist. If you’re angry and say something mean like “Well, go kill yourself then!” That can be used against you and you could face criminal charges.

Ignore the narcissist but do not ignore the suicide threat.

Report it and leave it at that. If you are in the No Contact phase and well on your way to ending the relationship you must adhere to the rules. You cannot reply to the narcissist threatening text, emails, messages on social media or phone calls regarding their suicide attempts.

After you report the threat to the police your work is done. It is no longer your responsibility to soothe the narcissist and run to their aide. It’s time to take care of yourself!

Most suicide threats from narcissist never actually happen. It’s just a manipulation tactic. However, if a narcissist does commit suicide because you won’t go back to an abusive relationship with them, please know that it is not your fault. It actually has nothing to do with you and everything to do with their mental illness.

By Janell Hihi @Copyright 2019

PTSD Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from Narcissistic Abuse


Narcissistic abuse has lasting effects. Many victims of narcissistic abuse who believe they’ve healed experience uncomfortable symptoms of PTSD Post traumatic stress disorder weeks, months or even years after leaving a narcissist.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder PTSD: Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is an anxiety disorder that may develop after exposure to a terrifying event or ordeal in which severe physical harm occurred or was threatened. Traumatic events that may trigger PTSD include violent personal assaults, natural or unnatural disasters, accidents, or military combat or severe mental or emotional abuse over a long period of time.

Narcissist can hurt their victims so deeply that PTSD can be experienced while in a relationship with a narcissist or for months or even years after a break up/divorce with a narcissist. Symptoms of PTSD include:

  • Physical and emotional responses to traumatic recaps
  • Disturbing thoughts or memories presented as nightmares and flashbacks
  • Difficulty in focusing or falling sleep
  • Conflicting feelings about oneself and the others, even people who care
  • Distorted sense of blame related to the trauma caused by the narcissist
  • Social retreat and isolation
  • Avoiding tendencies related to feelings, people or situations connected to the trauma caused by the narcissist
  • Hyper-vigilance, anger, being easily frightened
  • Fear or panic for no apparent reasons
  • Inconsistent or conflicting beliefs which lead to low self-esteem

Need help healing? Schedule a coaching session today. 

Do want the tools to fight narcissistic abuse and recover quickly? Check out my latest book. How to Defeat a Narcissist: The Complete Guide to Shutdown Narcissistic Abuse


By Janell Hihi @copyright 2019

Number One Tactic to Beat a Narcissist

“We are taught we can redeem them, she said to me once. We are taught it as soon as we can read. We can turn the beast into a prince, if only we love him enough.”

 —Louise Doughty, Apple Tree Yard

The number one tactic to beat a narcissist is to take off your cape. You can’t save them and you damn sure can’t change them!

Wake up sleeping beauties. It’s time to beast. It’s time to fight with every fiber in your being to get out of toxic relationships! To live. To be happy again! This book is a sword. It’s best used to slay anyone who dare challenge your boundaries by mistaking your kindness for weakness.

The eviction date for the narcissist to vacate your headspace is set. In a matter of time, you’ll be back in control of your emotions. The fog will clear and the sun will appear! A new day is coming! I’ve patiently waited to walk you to the other side, where your freedom anxiously awaits you. Feel the weightlessness as the ball chains that bind you begins to fall off. You will  become more YOU than ever before!

Loving a narcissist is baptism by fire. It hurts, but in the end, a stronger and more powerful version of yourself emerges from the ashes of ruin. The bittersweet paradox of pain is that we meet ourselves in it’s shadows. The meetings is so profound, it feels like an encounter with God.

Defeating a narcissist starts with defeating feelings of unworthiness within ourselves.

“The problem is not to find the answer; it’s to face the answer.” Terrence McKenna

Are you ready to heal for real? Get the book today! Click here


Sincerely Your Fellow Soldier…

Janell Hihi @copyright2019