How The Narcissist Subtly Chips Away Your Self-Esteem.

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Narcissist Possess an Uncanny ability to make their victims completely lose themselves.

Narcissist laugh at their partners under their breath in a very subtle in cunning way to slowly but surely, chip away their partners self-esteem.

Narcissist are skilled sculptors who carve away at their partners sense of self to mold them into a smaller, co-dependent and insignificant figurine.

The narcissist wants their victim to turn on themselves. They want their partners to lower their expectations, discard their personal boundaries and throw away their values in order to be in a relationship with them.

The only way to defeat a narcissist is to stick with your values and never lower your expectations or boundaries to accommodate the narcissist desires. Narcissist stand no chance with individuals who are grounded in self-love and self-respect.

Believe it or not, the narcissist does not want to destroy you. The narcissist wants you to destroy YOURSELF!

The narcissist highest goal is to be a masterful manipulator to the point where they abuse you in such a subtle way that you have no idea what’s going on. Nor does anybody else around them.

Narcissist are NOT confrontational. They are cowards and they never want to get to the real issues. They revel behind your back and smile in your face by simultaneously complimenting you and low-key insulting you at the same time!

Of course, when they’re with friends and family and their partner is not around, the narcissist will talk very badly about their partner in a joking way to disguise their inner hatred and turmoil they feel toward their partner.

Basically, the narcissist significant other is always the brunt of the narcissist low-key insulting jokes.

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The number one characteristic that narcissist like to attack is their partners level of intelligence.

I dated a narcissist who spoke very badly about his baby mamas. Of course, he had more then one.

His most recent baby momma he would refer to as an airhead with no education. He would joke about things she would do as a new mother that made her appear to lack common sense.

It was alarming how quickly he would say terrible things about her character referring to her as sexually promiscuous, not very intelligent and irresponsible. Then, in the very next instant he would say how much he once loved her and how badly she hurt him.

Nothing the narcissist says makes any sense whatsoever. This is part of the plan to keep the victim stuck in a perpetual state of confusion.

My ex would also constantly put down his ex wife who has a child with him and refer to her as ghetto and weird because of her personal style.

Once his ex wife called, while I was with him and she asked him if he knows anyone who can fix her car and he said to her, “No, that’s not my problem. Why are you calling me?!” Then he hung up on her. Mind you, his best friend is a co-owner at a auto shop.

I thought to myself, how could he be so nice to me and so rude and disrespectful to the mothers of his children? Obviously, he made me feel like I was better than them and he would never talk to me that way. Boy, was I naive!

Of course, with all those glaring red flags, I stuck around because I didn’t want to deal with tending to my own issues which is why I choose to be in a relationship instead of rebuilding my life after divorce.

That’s another blog.

Narcissist will show you how they will treat you after the honeymoon phase by showing you how they treat others around them.

Look at how they treat strangers asking for directions, waiters, their parents, and the mother of their child.

Watch their tone, their body language and the cruel and lifeless look in their eyes.

As I watched my ex talk badly about how stupid his ex girlfriend was, I immediately noticed how he got off on it.

Narcissist need to feel superior to their partners at all times.

First the narcissist indirectly insults their partner with sarcasm disguised as humor.

They will make undermining comments about their partners intelligence, weight, personal style, occupation, family and even their child.

The narcissist will sometimes directly insult their partner but that is very rare. The narcissist wants to plant the seed of self-doubt and insanity within their partner.

It’s far more convincing if the victim starts believing that they are stupid, crazy and irresponsible rather than the narcissist directly telling them to their face.

Narcissist plant seeds. Most narcissist never directly criticize or verbally insult their significant others. However, there is exceptions if or when they go into narcissist rage.

It’s important to understand that the narcissist vets out narcissistic supply by choosing a partner who they feel is “less than” them. Or, by choosing a partner who they believe they can easily break down.

They prefer partners who make less money, are less educated or significantly younger so that they can instill in the younger partner that they are inferior because of their age and/or maturity.

The narcissist will do whatever it takes to feel more significant in the relationship. I found it very difficult to tell my ex about the things that were happening in my life because I feared he would judge and criticize me like he did with his ex girlfriends.

Narcissist judge others harshly while their own life is falling apart.

Of course, narcissist can be hiding assets in storage, avoiding financial ruin, filing bankruptcy and foreclosed on 3 different properties but somehow, they can still muster up the words to judge other people harshly.

You would think because they are so critical, they’re lives must be perfect. That is so far from the truth.

I remember when I first met my narcissistic ex, it seems he could do no wrong and he’d never try to make me feel bad about myself because he constantly swooned me with compliments.

I got a wake up call when suddenly I started waking up in the middle of the night with panic attacks and he had the audacity to tell me, he didn’t want to be with a girl who had panic attacks.

He said he wanted to be with a “healthy girl.”

I was so hurt and confused because this man was on 3 different anti-depressant medications and I accepted the fact that he would probably be on anti-depressants for the rest of his life to treat his depression.

However, when one little medical issue appeared with me, he was ready to leave the relationship.

Who the narcissist is, and who he thinks he is, remains a stagnating self-delusion. 

It turns out, all the stress of dealing with my ex narcissist from our on and off again relationship activated my Graves Disease which was doormat for years. My hyperthyroid gave me panic attacks in the middle of the night. When I left him, it only took 3 weeks for my panic attacks to completely subside.

I’d rather have a man beat me to a pole, then chip away at my soul like the vampiric narcissist does so well. 

If you stick around long enough without appearing completely destroyed by the narcissist, he will start to beat you down physically and mentally. It’s best to play dead and get out before it get’s to that point.

It’s important to remember the narcissist move in a subtle way to subconsciously manipulate you into destroying yourself so that he doesn’t has to. That way, he can continue to tell everyone, “She’s crazy.”

Listen to that little voice of reason that whispers to you, “Something is NOT right about this person.” Then Run for your life!

By Janell Hihi @Copyright 2018

 

 

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Do You Love The Narcissist or Are You Addicted to Him?

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Is it love or addiction?

This is the question I often ask myself when I am staring down a dark chocolate truffle before I devour it.

Many singers, poets and writers would say love and addiction is the same thing. However, I highly disagree!

Addiction is an obsession to a desired outcome that is unrealistic. It’s a fantasy-like train of thought that distorts our reality.

According to Psychology Today ” Sex and love addiction are so commonly bonded that there is a 12-step support group for the combination: Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA). Both love addiction and sex addiction are often viewed as disorders of intimacy.”

What we are addicted to is irrelevant but the fact that we may have addictive personality traits is what’s cause for concern.

Loving a narcissist is addictive because the effect they have on the human brain, psyche and soul of their victim fluctuates from the highest of highs and the lowest of lows just as heroine, cocaine and opioids do.

The rollercoaster ride of high adrenaline and the blunt blow of the fall riddled with low serotonin levels which are often attributed to anxiety, depression, panic attacks, insomnia, obesity, fibromyalgia, eating disorders, chronic pain, migraines, and alcohol abuse. Negative thoughts, low self-esteem, obsessive thoughts and behaviors, PMS, and Irritable Bowel Syndrome are also symptoms of low serotonin.

The highs are like no other, it feels like the best love, heaven-sent, breath-taking sex, endless orgasms, charm, compliments, gifts, attention and emotional availability.

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A relationship with a narcissist is like an addiction to a drug because it’s nothing but consecutive highs and lows.

There is never a feeling of calmness, stability and consistency. It’s one drastic extreme to the next.

And just like a drug, it is extremely difficult to get over a narcissist once they discard you! Withdrawal is real. A support group and a team of loving friends and family members is needed to help you get through the struggle of withdrawal without relapsing.

Your body and soul gets so accustomed to the highs and the lows that it can no longer fathom or adapt to stability, calmness and peace of mind.

It can take months or years to re-stabilize after narcissistic abuse. It depends on how long the relationship was and how severe the abuse was.

I suffered from anxiety attacks out of the blue a few years back because I developed minor post traumatic stress disorder for being in two consecutive relationships with narcissist back to back. I left my narcissistic husband only to later get involved in another covert narcissistic relationship.

My recovery took years. And that’s okay. At the time I left my ex husband I did not know what the difference between covert and overt narcissist was so I fell prey to an opportunistic, manic-depressive, covert narcissist.

I didn’t know I was addicted to the drastic highs and lows. I left one, just to get a hit of another. My ex would break up with me out of the blue or when he didn’t get his way and it would hurt me to the core.

Then, out of the blue he would get back together with me professing his undying love. It was like he would create a catastrophe then come in out of the blue as a hero and save me from the pain he caused.

This is why the narcissist simultaneously switches from villain to hero. Similar to how drug companies make up illnesses and then create a medication that supposedly cures the illness but the side effects are more deadly then the illness itself.

I would look ridiculous when he would break up with me out of the blue. It would be after we went out with friends or to dinner or days after a minor disagreement. I would plead with him to reconsider. I felt ashamed and embarrassed that suddenly he could switch off his feelings like a light switch and just leave.

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I felt like I cared too much. It was confusing and I was often shocked. 

The shock is what kept me hooked and coming back for more. I wasn’t in love. I was addicted!

Listen to Rihanna and Justin Timberlake song “Rehab” 

According to an article written by The Ranch, below is a list of all the signs that you may be addicted to love:

Typical signs of love addiction include:

  • Mistaking intense sexual experiences and new romantic excitement for love
  • Constantly craving and searching for a romantic relationship
  • When in a relationship, being desperate to please and fearful of the other’s unhappiness
  • When not in a relationship, feeling desperate and alone
  • Inability to maintain an intimate relationship once the newness and excitement have worn off
  • Finding it unbearable or emotionally difficult to be alone
  • When not in a relationship, compulsively using sex and fantasy to fill the loneliness
  • Choosing partners who are emotionally unavailable and/or verbally or physically abusive
  • Choosing partners who demand a great deal of attention and caretaking but who do not meet, or even try to meet, your emotional or physical needs
  • Participating in activities that don’t interest you or go against your personal values in order to keep or please a partner
  • Giving up important interests, beliefs, or friendships to maximize time in the relationship or to please a romantic partner
  • Using sex, seduction, and manipulation (guilt/shame) to “hook” or hold on to a partner
  • Using sex or romantic intensity to tolerate difficult experiences or emotions
  • Missing out on important family, career, or social experiences to search for a romantic or sexual relationship
  • Using anonymous sex, porn, or compulsive masturbation to avoid “needing” someone, thereby avoiding all relationships
  • Finding it difficult or impossible to leave unhealthy or abusive relationships despite repeated promises to oneself or others to do so
  • Repeatedly returning to previously unmanageable or painful relationships despite promises to oneself or others to not do so

I can’t stress how important it is to heal from narcissistic abuse before re-entering the dating game otherwise you will attract another narcissist who is more covert, manipulative and deceiving.

Treat your break up with a narcissist like you are entering rehab for drug abuse and I promise you, the healing will be more efficient and expedient.

You don’t love the narcissist. You are addicted. Is addiction stronger than love? Yes, because it disguises itself as love and locks the brain and the heart into a state of perpetual confusion.

Sincerely,

Janell Hihi copyright@2018

Can Narcissist Stay In Longterm Relationships?

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The short answer is “Yes!”

Narcissist will stay with women who continually accept their abuse by denying it and making excuses for it.

As long as the narcissist is getting a steady source of quality narcissistic supply, he can maintain relationships that last decades.

The ideal victim who the narcissist will choose to be in longterm relationship with must never question him, never criticize him and never, ever call out his false self.

Narcissist need their partners to help them maintain their grandiose sense of self by continually complementing them, obeying them and trusting their every word.

The minute you question, criticize or investigate shady behavior from your narcissistic partner is the moment you are disregarded as longterm relationship material to the narcissist.

If you’re not robotic, overly optimistic, degradingly submissive and compliant, the relationship will last a few months to a year at the longest.

This doesn’t mean you’re not good relationship material.

This means you have a healthy level of self-esteem and self-respect that you leave when love is no longer being served.

As long as you understand that it’s his way or the highway, you can maintain a longterm relationship with a narcissist!

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A great way to gauge your level of self-esteem is how fast you are able to recognize narcissistic and toxic relationships and how fast you are able to leave them!

Never look at a relationship and assume because a couple was together 12 years, they must have a very strong bond. It’s safe to assume they’ve been through a lot together. However, it is not okay to assume that relationship is healthy or has allowed each partner to grow into a better person.

It’s important to remember when considering the longevity of narcissistic relationships that it’s the quality of the relationship not the quantity of the years the narcissist stayed in the relationship.

In fact, most narcissist never leave a good source of supply. Usually what happens is the codependent partner realizes they are in an abusive relationship and they finally gather the courage to leave the narcissist for good.

The narcissist will stay in play forever, if the victim allows them to . Narcissist favorite line to manipulate their victims to stay with them is:

“We’ve been together all these years, and we’ve been through so much, and you’re just gonna leave?”

The number of years we are in a relationship is no reason to stay in that relationship. It is the quality of those years that determines whether or not we should stay.

Ten years of being with a man in an off again and on again relationship is not ten years of love, loyalty and respect. Instead, it’s ten years of chaos, instability and inconsistency.

The length of time a man stays with a women does not determine how much he loves her. She could be a safe option, a convenience, a financial resource, or an opportunity for a better life.

She could also be a punching bag he can take out all his frustrations on because she is so lost and codependent, the fear of being alone is worse then being in an abusive relationship.

Narcissist often provoke arguments and fights and then blame the victim for being a nag or a drama queen.

As long as you can live your life constantly being labeled a drama queen and accepting your narcissistic partner as the victim of your alleged paranoia, insecurity and jealousy… you will be able to maintain a longterm relationship with a narcissist.

If you’re reading this because you left a narcissist before you could define the relationship as long-term, good for you!

If you’re reading this wondering how your narcissistic ex lover is in a longterm relationship with another women, remember it’s the women who determines how long she will tolerate narcissistic abuse.

Better her then you!

You’re worth is not determined by how long your relationships last. It’s determined by your ability to walk away from abusive and toxic relationships.

By Janell Hihi @Copyright 2018

Wholeness is Accomplished When Self-Division is Healed

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What divides you against yourself? Is it out-dated beliefs you picked up along your way throughout your journey in life from people who mis-read you?

Is it the naysayers who don’t see you the way you see you?

Is it those echoes of harsh critics who didn’t accept you, or the gifts you came here in this life to share?

Whatever it is that divides you within, and prevents you from being whole needs to be surrendered and released once in for all.

Believing in yourself is the only belief that counts. Believing you are worthy, capable, lovable, and deserving is the lose end that must be tied to create the wholesome oneness that we all wish to accomplish one day.

To begin your journey in wholeness. Get out a sheet of paper and write honestly and openly how you feel about yourself, and your capabilities in each category below.

When you are finished, write which beliefs were influenced by outside people, events or circumstances.

The objective is to identify what beliefs about yourself are formulated from you and those which were influenced by others. What beliefs are worth holding onto and which beliefs should you let go of?

  1. Love, relationships and intimacy:
  2. Money
  3. Career
  4. Self-worth
  5. Family
  6. Physical appearance
  7. Behaviors/attitudes

This exercise has helped myself and many of my clients take inventory of our beliefs and release what no longer serves us.

Nama-Slay – Everyday!

By Janell Hihi Copyright@2017

Moon in Cancer: How to Harness Intuitive Awareness

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It’s time to stop hitting the snooze button and wake up!

Drink your cosmic coffee and sit down… its about to get real! Real emotion because the moon is in sensitive Cancer!

On the eve of this moon in Cancer, I had epiphany. I don’t want to be in a relationship.

People who really want to be in relationships are in relationships. I had to swallow the hard truth that I like the feelings that relationships bring… and I’d like to capitalize off the bliss.

I want the privelege of being loved by someone But don’t want to take the risk of being vulnerable.

vulnerability is like oxygen to relationships. I don’t want it bad enough to give into vulnerability just yet. I’ve had amazing people attempt to get close to me and I curved all of them.

I push people away because my soul and my heart doesn’t want to be in a relationship. What do you need to accept regarding the emotional dark side of yourself?

Aug 18th and 19th the moon will be in Cancer before it goes back into Leo on August 21st the Day of the Total Eclipse!

Admitband accept your emotional dark side. I had an emotional epiphany on the eve of this miraculous moon in Cancer

Allow yourself to feel very deeply on these two divine days while the moon hangs out in Cancer.

Deep within our feelings lies hidden potential untapped that can change our view on spiritually forever.

Sit down, close your eyes and allow yourself to activate your intuition and uncover your own intentions and those of others.

Be minful of psychic ties that energetically cling to you and influence you to think, say, eat and do things that will fog your brain and take you off the trail to your destiny.

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So much will be uncovered this weekend. Anger will arise within us if we are not connected on a frequency that allows us to see the picture.

People will reveal their true motives to you energetically before you can logically make sense of it.

Aries and other fire signs… Sagittarius and Leo will get so much insight it from this energy it may make them feel out of touch with reality.

Aries it’s time to step up into your cardinal greatness. The world needs your genius. Use this weekend to remove blocks that hold you back.

Its time we all trust ourselves and our own potential. Stop looking for others to validate your greatness.

Rise up!

This may cause an internal war because this deep pychic knowing will conflict with what you want to be true or real, forcing you to break through illusions.

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Some people will choose to stay sleep and ignore their nagging intuition. You can activate your 6th sense and access to the divine.

However, astrology is free will and if your not ready to see things with your third eye astrology is free will and you can keep snoozing and stay unevolved at your own detriment.

Scorpio in Jupiter is approaching and if your not walking in spirit on a frequency that emits your true purpose, that phase will jolt you into awakening whether you like it or not!

Are you ready to release energetic blocks and rise to you divine power? Let me help! Feel in the form below and I will analyze your birth chart and give you 6 insights on energetic blocks your unique vibration emits and how to overcome the obstacles obscuring your divine path,

Fill in the form below and receive your report within 5 days by email.

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Astro therapy is an art I am passionate about. I don’t like to charge for specific services but instead allow you to donate no more than $5.00 in exchange for free reports that I generate for you on the path of your unique & divine journey. Thank you!

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Namaste

By Janell Hihi

 

Fools Gold: The Unrealistic Oblivion of Positive Thinking

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Break out your vision boards and meditation mats!

I’d like to take you on a journey of realism. A journey that will give you the courage to see a thing exactly as it is, rather than imagining it to be something else. Or something better!

Positivity is not a solution. Negatively is not productive. However, reality is, above all the best approach when examining any situation. Reality yields successful results.

Don’t get caught up in false hope and the high of positivity without staying grounded in the truth of reality.

Truth has no electrical charge. It is not positive or negative. It just is.

Do not allow the new age hippie movement, positive thinking peddlers, Oprah or her tribe of “Just think positive,” cronies to dope you up with hope when you’re faced with dire circumstances. Instead, face reality head on, dismantle the structures that haven’t worked and rebuild a “realistic” foundation.

A 30-day guided meditation won’t change your life. It won’t make the world a better place but it may help your blood pressure go down temporarily. Meditation and positive thinking is a passive approach to improving the collective. Passivity is not the recipe to feed a world starving from greed and corruption.

Positive actions is better than positive thinking because all the good things have been said already, now they just need to get done!

Action.

The best quote I’ve heard on the fallacy of positive thinking:

“Beware of people who speak more about what individuals should be doing versus what systems that oppress people should be doing.”   – Caller on the Yvette Carnell Show on YouTube.

Individualism is a lie. Just thinking positive yourself does nothing for the collective. We only change when we change with and for the collective. Individualism is isolated success. I find it ironic how many positive thinkers constantly state that everything is connected  but positive thinking alone is isolation not connection.

Connection is rooted in doing for others, which is doing for yourself and thriving as a collective.

Positive and negative thinking is not your downfall or your solution.

Solutions are sprouted from the roots of reality.

By Janell Hihi Copyright@2017

 

Is Fear of Failure The Root Cause of Procastination?

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After years of self-introspection, I realized I procrastinated and put off my goals and dreams because I suffered from an underlying fear of failure.

Fear of failure is a result of a lack of self-confidence and self-trust.

It’s not about how bad you want it. 

It’s about rather you believe in yourself enough to pursue it and complete it.

Consistency is a product of believing in yourself and trusting that you have the skills, knowledge, and tools to accomplish your dreams.

Consistency is believing in yourself every day and every moment. It’s doing what you said you will do regardless of the fearful thoughts that enter your mind.

If you are constantly asking yourself in the back of your mind, “What if this doesn’t work?” This means you don’t believe in yourself enough to fully execute your plan.

When these toxic and negative thoughts creep up, we procrastinate as a result. Sometimes we procrastinate to review our plan repeatedly for possible errors.

Then we procrastinate by making ourselves busy with other things to avoid executing our plan. We use circumstances as an excuse for lack of confidence and fear or failure.

Procrastination is a sign of mental imbalance. 

Either you are pursuing a dream that you are not truly passionate about or you lack confidence and fear that it will fail.

It takes maturity to admit that you tried something and you were driven by superficial, egoic outcomes.

If you pursue a dream that can only earn you money but not divine happiness, procrastination will manifest in pursuit of a false dream.

So the next time you find yourself procrastinating, ask yourself the 5 questions below:

  1. Am I afraid to fail? If so why?
  2. Am I pursuing a goal or a dream that I am truly passionate about?
  3. Do I believe in myself enough to be consistent?
  4. How can I increase my self-confidence? Will Counseling help? A life coach? or Furthering my education?
  5. What do I expect to achieve mentally and emotionally if I accomplish this goal?

 

By Janell Hihi Copyright@2017

Chronic Depression

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Chronic depression is visiting the darkness without being able to come out of it. The tight grasp of depression becomes a consistent form of consolement to those who never met the freeing light of optimism, hope, and faith.

The darkness is very much a part of our existence as the lightness. We will vacillate between the two polarities continuously. We must understand that we should not allow ourselves to be captive to either side.

By Janell Hihi Copyright@2017

 

Sudden Impact: The Audacity of Grief

If I had to describe the feeling of grief… It’s as if I am standing on a train track and I see a train coming in the distance, but my leg is stuck underneath the track and I cannot move. I keep trying to yank my foot out from underneath the track but it won’t give. I hear the train in the distance, it’s engine roar slowly increasing in volume as it approaches me.

It’s getting so loud, I can’t sleep. I once considered myself a go-getter but now something is about to get me.

Tell me how can one ever really brace for impact. I often questioned the validity of the word “Ready” no one is ever ready. 

Ready is a lie, a fallacy, a Cinderella-like fairy tale that promotes false expectations that humans can always prepare for things. But it’s all bullshit. We can’t!

The train is still on course – chugging towards me…

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Closer it cinches near me…  The anxiety of knowing that it’s coming but the powerlessness in also knowing, there is absolutely nothing I can do.

So I sit within the mercilessness of limbo and it claws at my heart.

I see a faint light glimmer in the distance and a ray of smoke from the train’s engine creates a mythic like figure in the stiff air.

It’s coming but in slow motion. It’s coming and I can’t move. It’s coming and so is the humility of surrender.

When it hits, I won’t mutter the lie that I was ready, only the truth of my resistance and how I fought, tooth and nail, grasping hope like it was a tangible life raft I could hold onto as a buffer between me and the oncoming train.

Something about trying, even in the face of fierce odds that surround me like famished wolves, feeds my illusion that I can save her. I find a way until there is not a way, and won’t waste another day grieving until she is actually gone.

But that’s another lie I console myself with because, in random places, memories of her emerge and stun my soul, tears well up and I lose control. Remembering that time she bust out with the Robot dance at a party. Remembering when she helped me buy my first car.

Most of all, remembering the silent oath of sisterhood and how we never, ever give up on each other… So here I am stuck on the train tracks with her, inevitably what hits her also hits me and although she tried to shield us all from her prognosis, we willing sacrifice our peace to stand alongside her to suffer the impact.

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Like a proud soldier, I enroll myself unto battle unapologetically. And the questions still beckon me like ghosts…

What if I lose her?

What if I don’t?

Here I am in the in between, vacillating between both extremes and the toll is soulfully exhausting.

By Janell Hihi

Copyright@2017

Dear Racist Grandfather

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Profile of little African girl writing in classroom.

I remember that rainy day. The sky was a heavy gray, clouds were low and depressed as if the sky wanted to collapse and submerge into earth.

Even clouds don’t want to fly sometimes. We think ecstasy is in the sky but we learn that there is freedom in the fall.

When we surrender. Gravity is a fierce teacher.

Like all the bodies do when they get buried from gun violence. Bang bang is all I heard. I smell gun smoke mixed with the smell of ghetto rain, someone down the street was frying chicken too. When aromas merged they stink. The urban life.

I turned to my mother who was desperately rummaging through papers on the kitchen table. Rollers in her hair, her night gown unbuttoned on the top. I could see her pale white breast as she slouched over, eyes piercing blue with a watery gloss over them.

She was about to cry.

“What’s wrong mommy?” I asked with a shaking voice. Afraid of the answer.

Tears raced down her red cheeks. She put her hands over her face as if she was ashamed of crying. But crying was brave in my eyes. Hiding feelings was cowardly. Hiding feelings is what I did often as a child.

Finally she blurted out the words like she suffered from a severe version of terrets and said, “My father just died.” I walked up to her to give her a reluctant hug. She wrapped one arm around me loosely for two seconds then quickly turned away.

Mommy wasn’t very affectionate. And I never knew my grandfather so I couldn’t share in her grief. All I knew was his name was Lawrence. He is German and he once threatened my fathers life with a gun.

My grandfather didn’t want his daughter dating an African American man. He disowned her and all of her kids. I felt unloved from a young age. From racist family members who never even considered meeting me, not even on their death bed, just because of my genetic blessing of melanin.

Thankfully, I’m beyond his disdain for me. I heard he was a proud Christian but white supremacy was his real religion. Racism before God for his kind. Of course if the world truly practiced it’s so called religions, the world would be damn near perfect. Heaven would anchor down to earth…

The comedian George Lopez talked about racism during one of his shows. He said “Mexicans have two rules, don’t marry a black person and don’t Park in front of my house.”

Most immigrants and older generation white Americans have that rule. I don’t take offense to it now but as a biracial child it cut at my heart. Seeing my mother suffer because she loved a man that society taught her to hate. People think racism towards blacks is an American thing. Nah, it’s everywhere and in every country. Ask me how it feels to be hated for my DNA. Ask me how I manage to carry on carrying it. Ask me…

One thing is for sure, mommy went against the grain. I don’t descend from sheep, I was birthed by a soldier of love.

I still blink twice and swallow hard as I stare at Her. Even today, her wrinkles on her face can trace a maze of pain, but mostly triumph and raw, down to the bone, pure love!

The unapologetic bravery and supreme level of not giving a fuck she emits, her aura is not even a color, it’s an element, fire!

Her warmth unprecedented.

And fuck you Lawrence Von Raduenz, the grandpa who put his racism before his so-called god and before his family.

Before his humanity

Before his daughter

Before me.

This is how iron is split open. When they hate that you LOVE.

By Janell Hihi

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