How to Set Personal Boundaries without Expectations.
I must share a recent epiphany. Being in the gray means you are open to whatever results follow a given action. It does not mean you will accept it once it manifest.What does that mean in relation to boundaries?
It means that you don’t have expectations that will infringe on fate and the flow of the universe. It doesn’t mean that you lack in boundaries, it means that you are open to let things be what they are and see where they go.
It also means that if they completely go to the left and against your morals and value, you exit the equation instead of being bitter and upset about it. It’s about acceptance. It is not about whether or not an expectation was not met.
It also makes it very easy to forgive because you’re open to the truth and not attached to hopes, fears, and fantasies.
Knowing who you are and what you can tolerate actually has nothing to do with expectations.
Don’t believe the hype when someone gives you their spiel about expectations. You need to be very clear on the definition of what that is before you get played!
On the dating scene, the narcissist or the deceptive will try to switch the definitions to acquire what they want to get from you. This is when you must utilize your emotional intelligence and assert your boundaries.
It means that at any given moment if you do not like the way things are going because of the simple fact it does not fit who you are, you end it! Some would say well then you had an expectation. This is not true. In fact, an expectation has nothing to do with self-respect and allowing people to treat you in ways that are not healthy for you.
Being In the grey, does not mean you tolerate anything, it means that you are not obsessed with a specific outcome.
Being in the gray basically, means you have the maturity to understand you cannot control everything. All that you can control is yourself and not allowing others to cross the boundaries that you set.
It also means you look at both sides of every equation and you are able to see other perspectives. Grey means you recognize there is more than one truth and there is not so much as a villain as there is a victim, either of which you refuse to be.
So the question remains how do you stay in the gray and keep your boundaries intact without creating expectations?
This is a balancing act but it can clearly be accomplished. First of all, even the most casual interactions require CLEAR boundaries. I can’t stress this enough. How you allow friends, family co-workers and love interest to talk to you and treat you.
Minuscule agreements such as booty calls even need boundaries. Significant interactions like committed relationships, borrowing expensive items to friends, what you eat, oh and the list goes on and on. The common denominator is, they ALL require boundaries.
Remember a boundary is not an expectation. It is an acknowledgment of maturity, it states you know who you are and what will and will NOT work for you!
If there are no boundaries, anything goes! Which means your life will be completely out of control in every aspect.
All you will receive is vagueness, no details. You’re vague so everyone and everything around you will be vague, I call it the mirroring effect.
This is not a sustainable way to be. You will often feel as though you’re just a passenger riding along to everyone else’s agenda. You will be the target of narcissism and abusive people who prey on those who have no backbone. They know you want approval; they know you want to appear as though you’re cool, easy going and not a nag. They know you are afraid to assert yourself and your silence will be used against you.
You must understand you need boundaries to protect yourself and also to not disillusion others.
Usually what happens is you go along for the ride, without any boundaries and then you have the audacity to be offended by behavior that you find unacceptable.
You never clearly informed the other party that this is unacceptable behavior to you so you finally assert your boundaries after the fact! You made an assumption that their morals of what is right and wrong were the same as yours.
This just creates a lot of drama that is totally preventable. So you realize after the offense you actually do have boundaries. And after further speculation, you start to understand the difference between being in the gray, not having expectations, and clearly asserting your boundaries.
Notice I stated “Assert your Boundaries,” because if you have unstated boundaries it is the same as not having any at all.
Actually believing you don’t have any boundaries just means you are disillusioned. It could also mean you have not spent enough time speculating what you want in life. It is a personal issue regardless that only you can fix. However, even once boundaries are created, asserted and set, abusive people will test you to see how strong you are.
The major obstacle you will face while asserting your boundaries is when you encounter an abusive or narcissistic person who pushes them after you have already clearly stated them.
Typically while dating and in a relationship, committed or casual if you clearly and un-argumentatively state what is unacceptable to you and that person repeatedly engages in that behavior. Your work is done. You asserted your boundaries. There is no need to reiterate them; there is only a need to leave that situation as soon as possible. Boundaries are parameters that are non-negotiable. Once they are broken, it’s open season on your ass!
When you state your boundaries and someone continues to push them, that is abuse. Plain and simple.
My request to you, if you do not have any clear boundaries set regarding what is acceptable and unacceptable to you, sit down and do the work. Grab a pen and paper, be honest with yourself and honor yourself!
Write them down. Keep them handy until they are internalized. Practice saying them in a clear and loving way. Your life will magnificently change into to what you want it to be, with less drama and more clarity.
I will be posting a specific blog on how to create boundaries according to who you are as an individual very soon!
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By Janell Hihi