Interracial Dating & The Fear of Dating an Undercover Racist

First of all, I want to start this article by stating that I am a product of an interracial marriage.

I refuse to sugarcoat my experience of being mixed race with sunshine and rainbows. Unfortunately, in my experience being mixed and dating outside my race, the bad aspects far outweigh the good.

The constant micro-aggressions experienced while dating interracially, tend to insidiously eat away at your self-esteem feeding an underlying resentment that will fester and eventually explode later in the relationship.

Being a realist, I must point out the pros and cons of being in an interracial relationship but also the number one Fear black people have when dating outside their race. That fear is…

What if the person I am dating is an undercover racist?

I married interracially and dated interracially. For any black man or women who secretly harbors this fear, you are not alone.

In fact, I wouldn’t even call it a Fear. It’s a valid concern.

The reason for this is understanding the difference between being liked and being respected.

Being liked is surface deep, shallow and is dependent on many factors.

For example, you can be liked for the way you look if you’re generally attractive or have a nice body. You can be liked by your employment status, the amount of money you make or a physical attribute that is fetishized… small feet, full lips, big butt or boobs.

However, being respected is a totally different experience altogether. Being respected is the biggest challenge in an interracial relationship.

Everyone in America has negative stereotypical views that are deeply embedded in their Psyche about African Americans whether they admit it or not.

Your interracial mate may think you are different or special but still look down on the rest of the black community as a whole, overall. Doesn’t that make you feel uncomfortable? It should.

It’s unfortunate that this is not discovered right away while dating them. It comes out in moments you least expect when there’s a back handed comment about your hair, a police shooting or black men in general.

The angry black women card will be used in subtle ways to silence you and lower your Defenses. Don’t let it. This is a manipulative trick. Be angry when the situation warrants anger. Don’t numb your emotions to try to evade stereotypes. Fuck that!

Even the most liberal white men has an inner feud with black men. This is to justify in their heads the way black men are treated in general. I dated a white guy I went to high school with and all he dated was black women.

He admitted he had self esteem issues and thought “other” non black women wouldn’t date him. Go figure!

I thought he couldn’t be racist right? He married a black women and has a mixed kid and grew up around black people. I was gravely stupid and naive’

When I took a closer look at his life, all his close friends were white. He had one distant black male friend who he often talked down about.

He even said, “I don’t know what it is. I just don’t have close male black friends!”

That’s when I realized the vendetta is real. Just because some white men are attracted to, date, and marry black women does not mean they are fond of black men.

Donald Sterling and his Biracial girlfriend is the perfect example. Remember he told her despite the fact that she is half black she doesn’t look like it and he wants the world to perceive her as a DELICATE white or Latino women. He said she can hang around with black people in private but not in public! And she cannot bring black people to his games! How dare she embarrass him like that!

As a reminder of his racism towards his black girlfriend he claimed to love… listen to the video below expressing his blatant disregard & jealousy towards black men.

Of course after he made that statement about black men, I vowed not to let him ever meet my black father. You may think there is no harm in that vague statement he made. However, I read between the lines. I can’t help myself, I’m an intuitive empath. Of course, the statement was followed up with negative interactions he’s had with black men as if he never had negative interactions with white men.

I’d also share with him racist interactions I had to deal with at work and he’d give me the infamous blank stare. You know what I’m referring to. Those white friendships we all have where you can talk to them about anything but race. When you do, it’s silence and the blank stare! As if you’re suddenly speaking them to them in a foreign language.

As if racism never existed and doesn’t exist today. As if you were that stupid to ever call this person a friend.

When they don’t believe what you go through as a black person as if you’re delusional and Crazy. These people are narcissist. Let. Them. Go.

Denying another person’s experiences exist is called gas lighting. It’s mental and emotional abuse, plain and simple!

I shared with my ex white boyfriend ongoing issues about being pulled over all the time (driving while black) being arrested for stupid unpaid fines and how much money and aggravation that caused me, he’d respond as if I was a common criminal with little or no empathy towards my plight.

All the while not a day went by that he didn’t tell me he loved me or how beautiful I was.

It was so conflicting and confusing. You must ask yourself if you really want to go through that?

Imagine wanting to vent to your partner about how racism plagues you and your friends daily who responds in disbelief? Or having a partner you have to tip toe around on race issues to be sure you don’t activate their white fragility.

Imagine having to keep what you go through at work and in the world from the Man or women you share a bed with, just to avoid an argument?

Not being able to say what you need to say to your partner without being labeled too sensitive, a victim or worse yet a nagging complaining b%$#!

Is that the life you want? Walking on eggshells pretending black issues don’t matter to you while at the same time being grossly affected by those issues in your daily life? Can you be happy living in that duplicity?

It is vastly difficult to be pro-black (and pro-black does not mean anti-white, it means doing something to improve the black community) and be in an interracial relationship. Especially if you’re a black women dating a white man.

They simply won’t put up with you loving yourself and fighting for the plight of your people while being married to them. They equate pro-black as being anti-white and their is no way to get around that. Perhaps it is in 3% of interracial relationships. The odds are not in your favor!

My politics and this blog is repellent to most white men. Once they hear my views and realize I won’t tap dance around my blackness to make them feel comfortable… they leave before I can say “Don’t let the door hit your ass on the way out.”

The straw that broke the camels back was when my ex white boyfriend jokingly told me a story about how he got caught driving drunk and the officer just told him to go home. Had that been me I would of got arrested, car towed and charged with a DWI. He laughed and said “White Privilege.”

He thought just because he exclusively dated black women it absolved him from all his racist views that have been instilled in him from society since birth. Little did his narcissistic brain know he still had a lot to learn about race and prejudice.

Some white people think they can escape or pretend not to participate in white privelege. It’s laughable.

You can’t tell white people who date black people ANYTHING about their racism. It’s a loss cause. You’ll have better luck talking to a tea party member or a member of the klan who will at least admit they are biased.

Obviously, I was done with my ex. I mentally clocked out of that relationship. I didn’t attend his best friends destination wedding with him, I criticized his every move and I grew resentful of him daily. I especially felt sorry for his mixed kids.

More recently, I had a white guy online ask me if I prefer white men over black men. I asked him why that matters, he said he likes it when black women prefer white men.

He wanted me to go into detail and tell him why I demean black men and prefer white men. I actually did prefer black men over white men. The black men I liked it never developed into anything serious but I wish it did. I wanted it to. I still want it to! I found that interaction with that white man so repulsive. So divisive.

I thought to myself, that’s it. Even though I’m biologically half white, I may have to write off the prospect of ever dating a white man again! He was getting off on the idea of me disrespecting black men. I find that white women do the same with black men and get off on black men demeaning black women. Sickening!

What’s worst of all, is dating a black man who is racist against black women.

I’ve had black guys date me and say I only think you’re cute because you’re mixed and you have nice hair. I’ve had black guys openly say they hate black features. Dating this type of black man is worse then dating a racist white man. I’d much rather date a klan member rather then date a black man who hates himself and is disgusted by natural African American features.

This happens too often but it needs to be discussed much more. Self hating black men and women are real. Recognizing them is easy. They are quite assertive about their disdain for black features and hold adverse stereotypical views about black men and women, treating themselves as an exception. The lighter you are the better you’ll be treated by these individuals. You might be liked, but they won’t respect you because you reflect back who they are and since they hate themselves they’d rather not deal with you.

I promise, the only good thing about dating interracially is developing the understanding that you can be loved by other races but more than likely you will NOT be respected.

Respect trumps love. This is why it hurts so deeply when the one we love disrespects us.

Your love to a nonblack individual cannot not undue centuries of brainwashing and subconsciously implanted racist views your white or non black partner has embedded in their brain. Love can’t undo psychological programming. It will take centuries of unlearning for white people to get rid of these underlying, implicit racist views.

It’s either you deal with it or you don’t. That’s a personal choice. You will feel disrespected on several occasions as a black person in an interracial relationship. Charge it to the game or simply don’t date outside your race.

Typically, when a man of a different race approaches an African American women, he wants sex.

Don’t be flattered by sexual flirtations. These men look at you as easy access to sex that they can’t get from women in their own culture without proposing marriage or spending some serious cash!

If a man of another race marries a black women he was the reject from his own community, race and culture.

Hispanic, Indian, Asian and Arabs are the biggest non black, non white culprits. You think they’re your allies because they’re minorities too but their not!

They are just as anti black as white people. In fact, in most cases even more so! Travel to their home countries and see for yourself how they treat Africans who live there.

I have an Egyptian friend who only dates black or mixed women because he has a horrible criminal record and he is not employable.

He prefers mixed women over full black women because they have lighter skin and thinner hair. They resemble Arab women who he wishes he could marry but his financial situation won’t allow. Obviously, he won’t come out in say this directly but he will make comments eluding to his views.

No father in the Arab community will give his daughter to this man in marriage. So he is forced to date outside his race. He’s ashamed of you and himself. Same with women in that culture who are no longer virgins… they date and marry outside their race because they are looked upon as unclean and unworthy for marriage.

These rejects date interracially and harbor underlying resentment. They rebel against their family and their culture even more by marrying a black person.

These rejects forever remain the outcast of their family and their mixed children are treated differently by their parents then their full breed grandkids. Do you really want your children in that situation? It’s damaging to their self-esteem. My white grandfather disowned us. I have to live with that. Do you want the same thing for your children?

You better think long and hard about the implications of interracial dating. It’s not just about love and feelings… lots of politics and consequences are involved.

These same rejects forced to date outside their race may say things like love has no color and they married for love… Blah Blah Blah

Then as soon as they have mixed kids, they say and do things to those kids unconsciously that brings forth what was lying beneath the surface all along despite how many Black lives matter rallies they attend and their democratic, liberal views… the racism seeps out in a comment or a racist statement in the heat of an argument. Sometimes in casual conversation.

Did you know they can love you and still be racist? It’s true. I’ve lived this.

This brings me back to my original point about the difference between being liked and respected.

How many people are there that we love but don’t respect? How many grown people do you know that love their parents but are very disrespectful towards them?

In the back of your mind you’ll always ask yourself in an interracial relationship if the bond is authentic. This is because more than likely They married you for convenience. They married their only choice. Not their preferred choice.

Black women being culturally and racially open to be with men of other races are at a huge risk of being taken advantage of by these men who were rejected by their own race.

Women who date interracially are expected to adopt the cultural views of her husband. This expectation kills apart of who she is. This, for me was a life of misery. I couldn’t dismiss my lineage. Tis why I am divorced!

What’s sad is most black women, just wanting to feel loved are okay with being the second choice, the convenience, the easy option…

Black women are the most vulnerable women in the world to be used because of systematic barriers that separated our men from us through slavery, Jim Crow and now mass incarceration and feminist propaganda. We have no brothers to protect us, no fathers to advise us. We are marked easy targets to men of other races.

I’m not saying all of this to feel like a victim, I’m saying this to arm black women with the knowledge to protect their hearts!

Some men run away from their race/culture and date outside of it because they don’t want to be providers, they look down on marriage because they don’t want the responsibility of being a father and husband.

Don’t get it twisted you’re not their first choice. They were either rejected from their race or too lazy to take responsibility and be a husband and provider.

So they run to women that will accept their laziness, their cheating and their abuse.

The next time a man of another race approaches you, don’t be overwhelmed with flattery, be on red alert!

Regardless, interracial dating can be a good and bad thing. The best thing to do is investigate their intentions for being with you and weed out their racism earlier rather then later to see if it’s worth developing into something serious or starting a family with them.

If interracial relationships were a cure to racism, there would no longer be racism. There’s much more work to be done then just marrying each other. As a people, for the sake of our humanity… when will we start the real work and addressing the miseducation and propaganda that keeps us from truly loving one another? Having sex with each other hasn’t changed a thing and your a fool if you think that it will!

Marrying a white person is not a political move toward racial equality nor will it help stop injustice!

I wish I could just say love is blind. That love is love regardless of color. But let’s be real, that’s simply not the world we live in!

In all things, protect your heart.

By Janell Hihi Copyright@2018

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Why He Won’t Commit: Men Respond to Consequences

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Men don’t commit when a women gives off the energy that deep inside, she feels she’s not worthy of a commitment. A man’s behavior is a reflection of the women’s subconscious mind.

If you give him the cow for free, he will never buy the milk. Demanding that a man start paying for something that was given to him freely won’t have any value to him.

He won’t buy it. He won’t commit. What’s the incentive?

Better yet, what are the consequences if he doesn’t commit?

You must set the tone in the beginning of the relationship that you will not perform wife duties for a casual boyfriend.

State your intentions in a sweet and non threatening way so that he doesn’t become defensive.

By simply saying “no” if he asks you to move in with him or have unprotected sex before marriage, will indirectly let him know that he won’t get very far with you without being fully vested in taking his commitment to the next level.

Women who say marriage is just a piece of paper.

Most women who also say they don’t believe in marriage are either filthy rich or come from wealthy families and simply don’t care. Or. their self-esteem is so low that they secretly believe they don’t deserve marriage or a men won’t look at them as wife material. These women never demand much from men and mostly only participate in struggle love.

Simply telling a man “Moving in together and having unprotected sex is for married couples.” Were not ready for that right?” Will set the tone of the relationship that you have standards.

He’ll be shook. And that’s a good thing. Your value will go up tenfold because you showed him you wouldn’t settle!

If you’ve always wanted or been open to marriage, don’t sell yourself short by convincing yourself that the next best thing is the same thing. It’s not. And you deserve to have the bond you dream about – not the one that’s become convenient or “acceptable” today.

What’s trending on the dating scene is a very pessimistic and far left feminist view that marriage is meaningless because the divorce rate is so high.

Instead of reinventing marriage and carefully choosing partners, millenials choose to throw out the concept altogether.  It’s quite disturbing!

Of course if a man doesn’t want marriage he should have no interest in living with you or having children.

Just think about it. If your boyfriend thinks you’re good enough to move in with, why doesn’t he think you’re good enough to marry?

Many women are fucking up the census data because on paper they are not married but they are shacked up with a longterm boyfriend and has children with him. These women are not able to check the “Married” box on paper because they didn’t value themselves enough to protect their own legal rights.

The issue with dating today is everything is backwards now. Women give and give of themselves before commitment and expect to be matched with their efforts and commitments later. They bet their time, energy, sex and love on a future promise or sheer hope that she can love him enough to change his mind about marriage.

The secret to avoiding men who are allergic to commitment is to be the women a man has to come prepared for. You never want to be the women who accepts the man who is not prepared to commit and make it your mission to help him get prepared.

Don’t be the filler girl helping the recently separated man get through his divorce. Don’t help the unemployed guy look for a job and get on his feet.

Instead better yourself and your own situation and wait for a man who is PREPARED to commit.

He’ll leave you regardless of how much you helped him. What’s worse is after he said he didn’t believe in marriage, he’ll marry the next women he meets within a year!

Don’t believe me, just watch! I’ve seen this scenario play out time and time again.

Tyler Perry’s new movie Acrimony that will be released on March 30th is the perfect example.

She believed all her hard work and sacrifices she’s made to help her man will pay off eventually.

It didn’t pay off. He left her and Married another women at the peak of his career. He left her for the women he had to come correct with.

It is imperative to establish time limits with men. Again, men respond to consequences. If they can take everything you have to give without even calling you their fiancé and suffer no consequences… meaning you stay in the relationship and continue to act like a wife when your nothing more then a girlfriend with NO LEGAL PROTECTION.

It‘s important to check a boyfriend when he is out of his jurisdiction. 

If your boyfriend is helping you decide where to live, where to work, how to discipline kids that aren’t his, etc., He is acting like your husband not your boyfriend.

He needs to be put in his place immediately! Set parameters and boundaries for boyfriends drawing a clear line between what boyfriends influence and what a potential husband influences.

Boyfriends get your time when it’s convenient for you. Husbands get your time everyday. Know the difference, a boyfriend does not have the privilege to see you everyday! He get’s limited access and if he wants more he needs to commit more.

Stay away from men who say “Marriage is just a piece of paper” but he wants you to be EXCLUSIVE with him.

Exclusive for what?

Stay away from men who say they don’t believe in marriage. Ask him what he believes in. Watch him explain away that real love isn’t validated my marriage. Yawn and role your eyes while he banters.

Marriage is a smart business decision that secures the child, mothers and fathers future. According to a article on Pyschology.com “Unearned Privilege: 1,000+ Laws Benefit Only Married People” Married couples benefit in the following ways:

Economic:

Access to a partner’s Social Security benefits

The right to inherit property even if your spouse dies without a will

Tax breaks on estate taxes

Tax breaks on inheritance taxes

Exemptions from penalties on IRAs that unmarried people pay

Spouses can give each other huge monetary gifts ($14,000 a year, as of 2017(link is external)) without paying taxes, and together, they can give twice that amount to a recipient and the recipient won’t have to pay taxes

Income tax breaks (for married couples filing jointly compared to solo single people)

Worker’s compensation benefits

Relevant to children:

Married couples can jointly adopt children

They have claims to custody

Health-related:

Greater access to health insurance

Hospital visitation rights

When people get married in the U.S., they become officially special. With their marriage certificate in hand, they automatically qualify for the benefits and protections of more than 1,000 laws(link is external)—and that’s just counting the ones at the federal level.

People who marry do not have to do anything to earn that special treatment denied to people who are not married. They do not have to have a good marriage or a faithful marriage or a loving marriage. They do not have to have kids. They do not need to be new to marriage; they get access to the outpouring of protections regardless of whether their marriage is their first or their twenty-first.

I have mentioned the 1,000+ federal laws many times over the 10 years I have been blogging here at Psychology Today. I just realized that I never offered PT readers a list of some of the most important examples. I did do that for one of my monthly columns for Unmarried Equality(link is external), back in 2015 when the Supreme Court legalized same-sex marriage with its Obergefell v. Hodges(link is external) decision. The list of laws was relevant in that context because gaining access to those advantages was one of the important goals of those who worked so hard to make marriage equality a reality.

With thanks to Unmarried Equality(link is external) for their permission to adapt what I wrote for them, here is a sampling of some of the federal laws that benefit and protect only people who are officially married:

Economic:

Access to a partner’s Social Security benefits

The right to inherit property even if your spouse dies without a will

Tax breaks on estate taxes

Tax breaks on inheritance taxes

Exemptions from penalties on IRAs that unmarried people pay

Spouses can give each other huge monetary gifts ($14,000 a year, as of 2017(link is external)) without paying taxes, and together, they can give twice that amount to a recipient and the recipient won’t have to pay taxes

Income tax breaks (for married couples filing jointly compared to solo single people)

Worker’s compensation benefits

Relevant to children:

Married couples can jointly adopt children

They have claims to custody

Health-related:

Greater access to health insurance

Hospital visitation rights

Authority to make medical decisions

Others:

Next-of-kinship rights

Immigration rights

Survivors’ rights and benefits

Can get listed on a spouse’s death certificate

The privilege of not having to testify against your spouse in criminalcases

The privilege of having your communications with your spouse protected in criminal and civil cases.

In fact, stay away from any man who express extremism. Meaning, he is totally against commitment and marriage. You want a man who is open to possibilities who didn’t let his parent’s divorce taint his idea of love, commitment and marriage.

The man who says marriage is a piece of paper but he wants you to move in with him, cook, clean and even have his child without proposing marriage is a con man.

He will have every excuse in the book not to commit to get married. The most annoying excuse is “The divorce rate is too high” The newest excuse is “I’m not religious.” 

I wish there was a break up rate/statistic out there as a rebuttal. I would advise to steer clear of men who use statistics and focus on the negative aspect of marriage. They will likely focus on the negative aspect of everything.

He will make you’re life a living hell!

The same guy who uses divorce statistics to justify why he’s not mature enough to make a solid commitment will likely participate in other risky behavior that statistically proves to be bad for his health or his pocketbook.

The contradiction is real. So is his bullshit.

I did manage to find a few statistical statements from Andrew Ekleberry on Quora regarding relationship versus marriage statistics.

“A husband has openly, publicly, pledged with his actions, to spend his life, with a particular woman.

A boyfriend may say a bunch of words that no one else hears, but in reality has promised, and pledged nothing.

Statistically, a boyfriend relationship will last on average, about 3 years. Whereas a husband will for the most part spend the rest of his life with someone.

Legally, a wife has protections under the law, when married. A girlfriend has zero protection, and will end up completely on their own, if anything happens.

I’ve even seen where a husband passed away, and the girlfriend, that he had been living with for over 15 years, got zero, while the estranged wife, that the husband was still married too, got the house, the car, everything.

A husband is a moral, legal, and religiously affirmed real relationship.

A boyfriend… is basically nothing. A boy…. that’s a friend. That’s what “boy…. friend….” means.”

Furthermore, if a man truly doesn’t want marriage, he will reject the benefits that come with marriage. He will not move in with a women, he will not have children with her and he will not share his finances or resources. He will date and court her only, and he will not expect her to cook, clean or have his children. He won’t expect his girlfriend to have his back like a wife would. Therefore, the relationship should be casual, free and unbinding.

Imagine you’re a sales person at a car dealership and a potential buyer proposes a deal. He would like to drive a car and use it for any purpose he chooses with the option to put as many miles as he would like to on the car. Once he’s done using it, he wants to bring it back to the dealership and trade it in for a newer model.

You offer the customer a deal to buy the car. However, he declines because he doesn’t want the commitment of buying the vehicle but he wants all the benefits that comes with buying a vehicle. You rebuttal the customer by offering him to lease the vehicle but he doesn’t want to lease because he doesn’t want a cap on how many miles he can put on the vehicle without being charged extra.

What would you propose to such a difficult customer? They don’t want to buy the vehicle, however, they want to get over on you. What he wants versus what he’s willing to give is substantially out of balance.

The type of man that seriously does not want marriage will be upfront and should not expect marriage benefits. If he expects marriage benefits but doesn’t believe in a piece of paper, he’s full of shit. He will use you and bend you over every which way until he gets bored and disposes of you.

You offer him NOTHING to look forward to, and nothing to work towards. And the relationship is void of life force and excitement. Your over-giving killed it. May the bond you never let happen rest in peace.

The women who obliges to these foolish demands that men make without demanding any solid commitment of marriage in return are creating monsters for the rest of the women in the dating pool.

If he’s uncertain you’re the one, his uncertainty should cut off all his benefits. Until he becomes certain he shouldn’t be laying up under you and asking you whose texting you. Furthermore, you shouldn’t feel obligated to answer any of his questions.

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When he leaves you after using you up, he believes all women should drain themselves of their resources for a man who doesn’t believe in marriage but does believe in playing house.

When a women gives a man husband privileges without even being engaged she puts a dagger in the progress of the relationship that will forever stunt it’s growth and kill the excitement.

The man who wants you to answer to him, is the man who wants you as his wife. I believe an exclusive relationship is a marriage and a women should never commit until a ring is on her finger.

Boyfriends and exclusivity is like oil and water, they don’t mix. When did women start believing boyfriends have some type of ownership over them with the power to take them off the market?

if you’re both over the age 32… Within 2 years a man should know if you’re the one or not. No exceptions!

If you’re okay with the arrangement of being a girlfriend performing wifey duties, to each it’s own. However, if you’re just pretending to be that type of women to keep a man, stop lying to yourself.

I had a client I coached who dated a guy for 3 years. Finally after 3 years he asked her to move in with him into the house he owned.

He was paying a mortgage. He wanted her to pay half without making her his wife of putting her on the deed. She lived with him for an additional 5 years helping him pay off his house. He never married her. They eventually broke up and she moved out. Basically, he had a roommate with no legal stakes on a mortgage she helped pay. Did she get an equity check from him? NO.

Speaking of equity. Marriage and commitment is your equity. The so-called “Building together” only starts after the marriage license is secured. Everything before that either built up to marriage or was a total waste of time.

Ladies, don’t do it. This something for nothing nonsense with men must stop!

Every good negotiator ensures they get something out of the deal. Stop being weak pushovers!

Stop apologizing for what you want. It’s perfectly okay to want to be a wife. It’s not old school, it’s not old fashioned and it doesn’t make you less of an independent women. It makes you human!

What if your manager at work wanted to give you management responsibilities but refused to promote you, raise your pay or give you the title of a manager? Would you accept that? I hope not, but some of you #%€#! Basic women will.

It’s not about a piece of paper, its about how much he can get from you without giving anything in return! 

If you want more of a commitment but you’re not getting it, pull back.

When he asks you why you’re acting distant and different, tell him nicely and respectfully his inability to commit to you is a clear indication that he does not want you. Let him know you’re going to do you for now and you really don’t believe you need to give him an in depth explanation…

After all, the two of you are not committed. You’re friends! Make sure it is clear the relationship is relabeled as a friendship. The consequence should be clear, no marriage, no marriage benefits! Period, dot com!

By Janell Hihi Copyright@2018

Narcissist Will Bring Out the Worst in You.

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Narcissist will bring out the absolute worst qualities within their victims.

By constantly poking at their victims using overt and covert manipulative tactics, the victim will eventually react negatively in anger, rage and sometimes violence.

“Don’t push me cause I’m close to the edge…”

Narcissist desire to drive their victims to the edge only to push him off  so they fall into that sunken place of chronic negatively, reactivity, and self-sabotage.

An effective way to determine if a relationship is healthy is to ask yourself if your partner brings out the best in you, or the worst in you?

I had a neighbor who was 9 months pregnant and living with her narcissitic boyfriend at the time. He inflicted so much mental and emotional abuse upon her that one argument they had, changed her life forever!

She lost control during an argument with the narcissist and it turned physical. She was so angry she lost sight of the fact that she was pregnant and endangered herself and her unborn child.

The narcissist left the house as she was trying to explain how his actions and harsh words hurt her. Instead of listening, he abruptly left the house, jumped in his car and sped off. Typically, she would let him leave and cry herself into a slumber. However, this time. She felt like she had enough!

She got in her car and proceeded to chase him down a residential street going 90mph in a 30 mph zone.

She hit a car and killed the driver. She went to prison for several years after be charged with vehicular manslaughter. This is why narcissistic abuse is so dangerous!

You cannot live with, sleep with, eat with, and spend all your time with a narcissist and not absorb their toxic energy and behavior.

There’s a saying that we are the average of the top 5 people that we spend the most time with.

Unfortunately, victims of narcissistic abuse begin to manifest anger, negativity, toxicity, irresponsibility and recklessness by simply being in proximity of a narcissist for long periods of time.

You are what you eat and you become who you sleep with. Most narcissistic abuse victims don’t become full fledge narcissist but they do start to exhibit highly negative qualities that they tried to overcome at one point in their life, but the narcissist conjures up and brings those qualities back to the surface.

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For example, if you were once a cigarette smoker and had an unhealthy diet, being with a narcissist will make you want to go back to bad habits you overcame. You may begin eating unhealthy foods again, smoking cigarettes and neglecting your gym membership because the narcissist will stress you out to the point of depression and hopelessness.

Most victims of narcissistic abuse will cling to any form of comfort they can to cope with their abuse regardless of how unhealthy that source of comfort may be. 

Depression takes individuals away from the hobbies and activities that once made them happy.  From there on out, the victim of narcissistic abuse will begin to see their life spiral downward into hopelessness and despair.

The narcissist will mock your weaknesses. If they find a chink in your armor they will continually poke at it until you snap and lose control.

When the narcissist can provoke the victim into reacting angrily and emotionally, they begin to play the victim like a puppet on a string.

The narcissist wishes to strip the victim of their good qualities and virtues so that they can bring out the absolute worst in their partner. Once that is accomplished and the victim is an emotionally reactive, angry and out of control… the narcissist will begin a smear campaign painting his partner as the crazy villain while they play the victim role.

Don’t let it go that far. Get Out!

By Janell Hihi Copyright@2018

The Number 1 Reason You Can’t Get Over Him

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Regardless if you were in a relationship with a narcissist or not, if you’re grieving beyond a reasonable time frame – you invested too much into the relationship.

It’s easy to place all the blame on a narcissist and their so-called abusive behavior. It’s an entire other issue to avoid acknowledging that perhaps you invested too much time, energy, money or emotion into that relationship.

When one person gives too much, the scale is left unbalanced. The person who did the most feels extremely slighted when the relationship ends.

The individual that gives more to others then they give to themselves will always have a very difficult time getting over an ex. The resentment developed from feeling like you wasted time, energy and resources on a man that you could of invested in yourself triggers anger that is hard to resolve.

This is why we must always put ourselves first. Otherwise, we’ll put unrealistic demands on our partners to satisfy needs they aren’t required to that would make us feel happy and secure about ourselves.

Believe it or not, the bigger an individuals ego, the harder it will be to get over heartache and pain.

The ego has a difficult time accepting that a relationship didn’t work out because the ego believes that the self is perfect and anyone who doesn’t recognize that perfection by expressing disinterest is held captive in the victims mind like a hostage.

Letting go of someone who hurt you shouldn’t feel like you’re giving them a pass. If it does, check your ego at the door. No one is above getting hurt, being betrayed or deceived. A mentally mature person not overly identified with the ego doesn’t allow heartbreak to change how they feel about themselves.

Self-esteem should not waver from high to low based on whether or not a man decides to leave or stay.

Getting over an ex first requires you to get over yourself.

Nothing annoys me more when I hear women say, “I can’t believe he hurt me.” I always ask them why they can’t believe it?

After a long pause, most women reply by stating how many guys are waiting to date them, how often they get asked out, some even point out how much money they make or their social status as if it’s impossible just because they model part-time that any guy would think of leaving them or cheating on them.

My favorite answer is “I gave him everything!” If you give him everything, you gave too much. Keep some of yourself for yourself and the next time a relationship ends letting go will be a lot easier.

By Janell Hihi @Copyright 2018

 

 

 

To The Women Who is Afraid to Appear Needy

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I had a conversation with a friend a few days ago who hadn’t heard from a guy she’s been dating in a few days. Apparently, sometimes they go days without communicating.

They’d been dating for 2 months and she becomes anxious because she really likes the guy but she is unsure about where the relationship is going because her expectation is they should be communicating more as they get to know each other, not less.

I asked her why she wouldn’t just take the initiative and contact him instead of just passively accepting the dead silence. She said she doesn’t want to initiate communication because she doesn’t want to come off as being needy.

The desire to communicate with a man you’re dating once a day is not coming off as needy by any means.

Daily communication is not the same as demanding he put a ring on your finger. It’s quite basic. And if you’re the type of women who is afraid to come off a certain way and that prevents you from asking for what you want or communicating… Insecurity is your issue and it needs to be addressed.

It’s important to want what you want unapologetically. Men respect that. This doesn’t mean you should be desperate, it means that you can pick up the phone and say “Hey, what’s up, I miss u.”

Regardless if you get a reciprocating reply or ignored, you wanted to communicate, so you did.

Trying to control a man’s perception of you is impossible. In addition, perception control is a narcissistic characteristic.

If you’re afraid of coming off as needy, you’re really just afraid of expressing how you truly feel. How you truly feel is authenticity which is the seed for growth in relationships.

By Janell Hihi Copyright@2018

How The Narcissist Subtly Chips Away at Your Self-Esteem.

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Narcissist Possess an Uncanny ability to make their victims completely lose themselves.

Narcissist laugh at their partners under their breath in a very subtle in cunning way to slowly but surely, chip away their partners self-esteem.

Narcissist are skilled sculptors who carve away at their partners sense of self to mold them into a smaller, co-dependent and insignificant figurine.

The narcissist wants their victim to turn on themselves. They want their partners to lower their expectations, discard their personal boundaries and throw away their values in order to be in a relationship with them.

The only way to defeat a narcissist is to stick with your values and never lower your expectations or boundaries to accommodate the narcissist desires. Narcissist stand no chance with individuals who are grounded in self-love and self-respect.

Believe it or not, the narcissist does not want to destroy you. The narcissist wants you to destroy YOURSELF!

The narcissist highest goal is to be a masterful manipulator to the point where they abuse you in such a subtle way that you have no idea what’s going on. Nor does anybody else around them.

Narcissist are NOT confrontational. They are cowards and they never want to get to the real issues. They revel behind your back and smile in your face by simultaneously complimenting you and low-key insulting you at the same time!

Of course, when they’re with friends and family and their partner is not around, the narcissist will talk very badly about their partner in a joking way to disguise their inner hatred and turmoil they feel toward their partner.

Basically, the narcissist significant other is always the brunt of the narcissist low-key insulting jokes.

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The number one characteristic that narcissist like to attack is their partners level of intelligence.

I dated a narcissist who spoke very badly about his baby mamas. Of course, he had more then one.

His most recent baby momma he would refer to as an airhead with no education. He would joke about things she would do as a new mother that made her appear to lack common sense.

It was alarming how quickly he would say terrible things about her character referring to her as sexually promiscuous, not very intelligent and irresponsible. Then, in the very next instant he would say how much he once loved her and how badly she hurt him.

Nothing the narcissist says makes any sense whatsoever. This is part of the plan to keep the victim stuck in a perpetual state of confusion.

My ex would also constantly put down his ex wife who has a child with him and refer to her as ghetto and weird because of her personal style.

Once his ex wife called, while I was with him and she asked him if he knows anyone who can fix her car and he said to her, “No, that’s not my problem. Why are you calling me?!” Then he hung up on her. Mind you, his best friend is a co-owner at a auto shop.

I thought to myself, how could he be so nice to me and so rude and disrespectful to the mothers of his children? Obviously, he made me feel like I was better than them and he would never talk to me that way. Boy, was I naive!

Of course, with all those glaring red flags, I stuck around because I didn’t want to deal with tending to my own issues which is why I choose to be in a relationship instead of rebuilding my life after divorce.

That’s another blog.

Narcissist will show you how they will treat you after the honeymoon phase by showing you how they treat others around them.

Look at how they treat strangers asking for directions, waiters, their parents, and the mother of their child.

Watch their tone, their body language and the cruel and lifeless look in their eyes.

As I watched my ex talk badly about how stupid his ex girlfriend was, I immediately noticed how he got off on it.

Narcissist need to feel superior to their partners at all times.

First the narcissist indirectly insults their partner with sarcasm disguised as humor.

They will make undermining comments about their partners intelligence, weight, personal style, occupation, family and even their child.

The narcissist will sometimes directly insult their partner but that is very rare. The narcissist wants to plant the seed of self-doubt and insanity within their partner.

It’s far more convincing if the victim starts believing that they are stupid, crazy and irresponsible rather than the narcissist directly telling them to their face.

Narcissist plant seeds. Most narcissist never directly criticize or verbally insult their significant others. However, there is exceptions if or when they go into narcissist rage.

It’s important to understand that the narcissist vets out narcissistic supply by choosing a partner who they feel is “less than” them. Or, by choosing a partner who they believe they can easily break down.

They prefer partners who make less money, are less educated or significantly younger so that they can instill in the younger partner that they are inferior because of their age and/or maturity.

The narcissist will do whatever it takes to feel more significant in the relationship. I found it very difficult to tell my ex about the things that were happening in my life because I feared he would judge and criticize me like he did with his ex girlfriends.

Narcissist judge others harshly while their own life is falling apart.

Of course, narcissist can be hiding assets in storage, avoiding financial ruin, filing bankruptcy and foreclosed on 3 different properties but somehow, they can still muster up the words to judge other people harshly.

You would think because they are so critical, they’re lives must be perfect. That is so far from the truth.

I remember when I first met my narcissistic ex, it seems he could do no wrong and he’d never try to make me feel bad about myself because he constantly swooned me with compliments.

I got a wake up call when suddenly I started waking up in the middle of the night with panic attacks and he had the audacity to tell me, he didn’t want to be with a girl who had panic attacks.

He said he wanted to be with a “healthy girl.”

I was so hurt and confused because this man was on 3 different anti-depressant medications and I accepted the fact that he would probably be on anti-depressants for the rest of his life to treat his depression.

However, when one little medical issue appeared with me, he was ready to leave the relationship.

Who the narcissist is, and who he thinks he is, remains a stagnating self-delusion. 

It turns out, all the stress of dealing with my ex narcissist from our on and off again relationship activated my Graves Disease which was doormat for years. My hyperthyroid gave me panic attacks in the middle of the night. When I left him, it only took 3 weeks for my panic attacks to completely subside.

I’d rather have a man beat me to a pole, then chip away at my soul like the vampiric narcissist does so well. 

If you stick around long enough without appearing completely destroyed by the narcissist, he will start to beat you down physically and mentally. It’s best to play dead and get out before it get’s to that point.

It’s important to remember the narcissist move in a subtle way to subconsciously manipulate you into destroying yourself so that he doesn’t has to. That way, he can continue to tell everyone, “She’s crazy.”

Listen to that little voice of reason that whispers to you, “Something is NOT right about this person.” Then Run for your life!

By Janell Hihi @Copyright 2018

Do You Love The Narcissist or Are You Addicted to Him?

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Is it love or addiction?

This is the question I often ask myself when I am staring down a dark chocolate truffle before I devour it.

Many singers, poets and writers would say love and addiction is the same thing. However, I highly disagree!

Addiction is an obsession to a desired outcome that is unrealistic. It’s a fantasy-like train of thought that distorts our reality.

According to Psychology Today ” Sex and love addiction are so commonly bonded that there is a 12-step support group for the combination: Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA). Both love addiction and sex addiction are often viewed as disorders of intimacy.”

What we are addicted to is irrelevant but the fact that we may have addictive personality traits is what’s cause for concern.

Loving a narcissist is addictive because the effect they have on the human brain, psyche and soul of their victim fluctuates from the highest of highs and the lowest of lows just as heroine, cocaine and opioids do.

The rollercoaster ride of high adrenaline and the blunt blow of the fall riddled with low serotonin levels which are often attributed to anxiety, depression, panic attacks, insomnia, obesity, fibromyalgia, eating disorders, chronic pain, migraines, and alcohol abuse. Negative thoughts, low self-esteem, obsessive thoughts and behaviors, PMS, and Irritable Bowel Syndrome are also symptoms of low serotonin.

The highs are like no other, it feels like the best love, heaven-sent, breath-taking sex, endless orgasms, charm, compliments, gifts, attention and emotional availability.

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A relationship with a narcissist is like an addiction to a drug because it’s nothing but consecutive highs and lows.

There is never a feeling of calmness, stability and consistency. It’s one drastic extreme to the next.

And just like a drug, it is extremely difficult to get over a narcissist once they discard you! Withdrawal is real. A support group and a team of loving friends and family members is needed to help you get through the struggle of withdrawal without relapsing.

Your body and soul gets so accustomed to the highs and the lows that it can no longer fathom or adapt to stability, calmness and peace of mind.

It can take months or years to re-stabilize after narcissistic abuse. It depends on how long the relationship was and how severe the abuse was.

I suffered from anxiety attacks out of the blue a few years back because I developed minor post traumatic stress disorder for being in two consecutive relationships with narcissist back to back. I left my narcissistic husband only to later get involved in another covert narcissistic relationship.

My recovery took years. And that’s okay. At the time I left my ex husband I did not know what the difference between covert and overt narcissist was so I fell prey to an opportunistic, manic-depressive, covert narcissist.

I didn’t know I was addicted to the drastic highs and lows. I left one, just to get a hit of another. My ex would break up with me out of the blue or when he didn’t get his way and it would hurt me to the core.

Then, out of the blue he would get back together with me professing his undying love. It was like he would create a catastrophe then come in out of the blue as a hero and save me from the pain he caused.

This is why the narcissist simultaneously switches from villain to hero. Similar to how drug companies make up illnesses and then create a medication that supposedly cures the illness but the side effects are more deadly then the illness itself.

I would look ridiculous when he would break up with me out of the blue. It would be after we went out with friends or to dinner or days after a minor disagreement. I would plead with him to reconsider. I felt ashamed and embarrassed that suddenly he could switch off his feelings like a light switch and just leave.

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I felt like I cared too much. It was confusing and I was often shocked. 

The shock is what kept me hooked and coming back for more. I wasn’t in love. I was addicted!

Listen to Rihanna and Justin Timberlake song “Rehab” 

According to an article written by The Ranch, below is a list of all the signs that you may be addicted to love:

Typical signs of love addiction include:

  • Mistaking intense sexual experiences and new romantic excitement for love
  • Constantly craving and searching for a romantic relationship
  • When in a relationship, being desperate to please and fearful of the other’s unhappiness
  • When not in a relationship, feeling desperate and alone
  • Inability to maintain an intimate relationship once the newness and excitement have worn off
  • Finding it unbearable or emotionally difficult to be alone
  • When not in a relationship, compulsively using sex and fantasy to fill the loneliness
  • Choosing partners who are emotionally unavailable and/or verbally or physically abusive
  • Choosing partners who demand a great deal of attention and caretaking but who do not meet, or even try to meet, your emotional or physical needs
  • Participating in activities that don’t interest you or go against your personal values in order to keep or please a partner
  • Giving up important interests, beliefs, or friendships to maximize time in the relationship or to please a romantic partner
  • Using sex, seduction, and manipulation (guilt/shame) to “hook” or hold on to a partner
  • Using sex or romantic intensity to tolerate difficult experiences or emotions
  • Missing out on important family, career, or social experiences to search for a romantic or sexual relationship
  • Using anonymous sex, porn, or compulsive masturbation to avoid “needing” someone, thereby avoiding all relationships
  • Finding it difficult or impossible to leave unhealthy or abusive relationships despite repeated promises to oneself or others to do so
  • Repeatedly returning to previously unmanageable or painful relationships despite promises to oneself or others to not do so

I can’t stress how important it is to heal from narcissistic abuse before re-entering the dating game otherwise you will attract another narcissist who is more covert, manipulative and deceiving.

Treat your break up with a narcissist like you are entering rehab for drug abuse and I promise you, the healing will be more efficient and expedient.

You don’t love the narcissist. You are addicted. Is addiction stronger than love? Yes, because it disguises itself as love and locks the brain and the heart into a state of perpetual confusion.

Sincerely,

Janell Hihi copyright@2018

Can Narcissist Stay In Longterm Relationships?

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The short answer is “Yes!”

Narcissist will stay with women who continually accept their abuse by denying it and making excuses for it.

As long as the narcissist is getting a steady source of quality narcissistic supply, he can maintain relationships that last decades.

The ideal victim who the narcissist will choose to be in longterm relationship with must never question him, never criticize him and never, ever call out his false self.

Narcissist need their partners to help them maintain their grandiose sense of self by continually complementing them, obeying them and trusting their every word.

The minute you question, criticize or investigate shady behavior from your narcissistic partner is the moment you are disregarded as longterm relationship material to the narcissist.

If you’re not robotic, overly optimistic, degradingly submissive and compliant, the relationship will last a few months to a year at the longest.

This doesn’t mean you’re not good relationship material.

This means you have a healthy level of self-esteem and self-respect that you leave when love is no longer being served.

As long as you understand that it’s his way or the highway, you can maintain a longterm relationship with a narcissist!

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A great way to gauge your level of self-esteem is how fast you are able to recognize narcissistic and toxic relationships and how fast you are able to leave them!

Never look at a relationship and assume because a couple was together 12 years, they must have a very strong bond. It’s safe to assume they’ve been through a lot together. However, it is not okay to assume that relationship is healthy or has allowed each partner to grow into a better person.

It’s important to remember when considering the longevity of narcissistic relationships that it’s the quality of the relationship not the quantity of the years the narcissist stayed in the relationship.

In fact, most narcissist never leave a good source of supply. Usually what happens is the codependent partner realizes they are in an abusive relationship and they finally gather the courage to leave the narcissist for good.

The narcissist will stay in play forever, if the victim allows them to . Narcissist favorite line to manipulate their victims to stay with them is:

“We’ve been together all these years, and we’ve been through so much, and you’re just gonna leave?”

The number of years we are in a relationship is no reason to stay in that relationship. It is the quality of those years that determines whether or not we should stay.

Ten years of being with a man in an off again and on again relationship is not ten years of love, loyalty and respect. Instead, it’s ten years of chaos, instability and inconsistency.

The length of time a man stays with a women does not determine how much he loves her. She could be a safe option, a convenience, a financial resource, or an opportunity for a better life.

She could also be a punching bag he can take out all his frustrations on because she is so lost and codependent, the fear of being alone is worse then being in an abusive relationship.

Narcissist often provoke arguments and fights and then blame the victim for being a nag or a drama queen.

As long as you can live your life constantly being labeled a drama queen and accepting your narcissistic partner as the victim of your alleged paranoia, insecurity and jealousy… you will be able to maintain a longterm relationship with a narcissist.

If you’re reading this because you left a narcissist before you could define the relationship as long-term, good for you!

If you’re reading this wondering how your narcissistic ex lover is in a longterm relationship with another women, remember it’s the women who determines how long she will tolerate narcissistic abuse.

Better her then you!

You’re worth is not determined by how long your relationships last. It’s determined by your ability to walk away from abusive and toxic relationships.

By Janell Hihi @Copyright 2018

Sarah’s Suppression: The Obsession to Not Feel

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When things suddenly change and you’re supposed to remain un-bothered. It’s all a part of the defiant act of living. Denying our humaneness to appear emotionally stable. There is no stability in emotions. No solid form, it’s like trying to nail jello to a tree.

They will not submit to the subtle choke of a leash. Untamed. They are erratic and unapologetic. Yet we suppress, deny and act as if they don’t matter. Meanwhile, in our disdain, they seethe and start to seep…

They linger in backgrounds like memories taking me back around that time when he was more consistent. When my insecurity was silenced by his predictability.

But what do we do when patterns die and what is left is a faint whisper, an un-returned text and the toothbrush he left weeks ago, sitting as a reminder that he’s there somewhere in the in-between. He hasn’t arrived and he hasn’t completely left.

The gripping pain of the lingering.

And you better be quiet girl. You better keep cool.

Don’t let your humanness emerge and show him something exist inside you besides an orgasm and a sweaty thrill ride with soaked up sheets and bed hair.

Better not show him you care. He wants to know that you don’t so that your love doesn’t smother him. Since when did love become a sinister sadist roaming the earth looking for victims to torture? After all, isn’t love the giver of life? I can’t breathe air into you if you aren’t willing to be revived.

And after weeks of analyzing his sudden plot twist in my romantic story line, he casually replies to a text I sent 16 days ago…

He said, “I’m just doing me.”

In which I replied, “Oh, so that would imply your no longer doing me.”

He paused for about 30 minutes before responding and replied…

“huh?”

Tidbits with the ignorant conversationalist… More to come.

By Janell Hihi Copyright@2017

Relationship Fatigue: Are You Tired of Togetherness?

 

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What happens when you don’t want to give or receive?

Now more than ever, I find myself saying, “If you ever need nothing, I am totally here for you!”

Are you dealing with someone just to get laid? Are you too lazy to put any effort into anyone but yourself and an occasional booty call to get a break from your daily routine of masturbation?

Instead of finding a boyfriend and making a mental, emotional and time consuming commitment, you’d rather opt for the shorter end of the stick that demands nothing of you but an occasional text consisting of the three letters “WYD” or “I’m on my way.”

You are so far removed from vulnerability, emotions and real intimacy that the title of friends with benefits is too heavy? You’d much rather prefer a more emotionless and robotic title for your situation-ship like “Masturbation Assistant.” That’s a lot more fitting considering the superficial circumstances.

In the past I hated overly sarcastic people. I thought that they were passive aggressive with zero courage to tell someone straight up how they really feel about them. That was until I underwent a mass awakening and I realized people don’t want you to be 100 with them.

Every day I use sarcasm to bury deep emotional issues I have because I am stuck in a matrix with people who celebrate acting like everything is always honky fucking dory.

No one wants you to keep it real. Not at work, not in family conflicts or in intimate entanglements. People who sugarcoat their words and use sly ass jokes to tame their internal rage go further in life in every aspect.

Although the further they go, the less authentic the bonds are that they form with others, it all comes down to playing the game. A game I wanted no part of for so long but I find myself surrendering to the older I become.

Being a realist in a world of bullshit is a glitch in the system that torments my soul. I just updated my software and joined the sunshine and rainbows application hoping that magically I can fit in and reap some of the benefits. Maybe if I act like everything will be okay, and think more on the bright side, I’d feel re-energized enough to enter into a real relationship, once in for all.

So far, it’s not working. So far, I’m just okay with being the way I am and I am completely done with trying to convince myself of being any other way then I am in this very moment which is…

Totally spent, exhausted and fatigued from intimate relationships, emotional entanglements and togetherness.

I wrote this blog because sometimes, in the darkest hour of the night I awaken from my slumber totally okay with my loneliness, relieved that I don’t have to share myself with anyone else, and terrified at my own contentment in this place of celebrated emptiness.

Which brings me to the conclusion that  maybe relationships aren’t for everybody. Certainly not for me. Not right now, at least!

Before I drifted back into my slumber I realize that there’s no one here taking up half the bed, snoring, breathing like a dragon or taking all the sheets. It’s just me, having me, all to myself.

~Bliss

By Janell Hihi Copyright@2017