Why You Can’t Stop Thinking About the Narcissist


Why can’t you get the narcissist out of your mind?

Narcissist operate from the ego. The ego is of the mind. Narcissist spin a web of illusion so intricate they create a matrix, also known as a mental prison that they’re victims can’t escape from.

The narcissist will literally take full possession of the victims mind. Since most narcissist prey on your subconscious mind, thinking of them and why they do what they do becomes a habitual obsession that is extremely hard to break.

In my upcoming book How to Defeat a Narcissist, I explain how narcissist are like hackers who hack into your mind, corrupt your software and implant a virus that takes over your entire operating system.

Getting a narcissist out of your mind takes reprogramming that is explained in great detail in my upcoming book.

For every negative, toxic thought they implant in your mind by their antisocial, psychotic, selfish and hurtful behavior, a positive affirmation must be repeated daily by the victim to refill the mind with empowering and positive thoughts and beliefs. This takes time, but it’s extremely helpful and almost guaranteed to work every time.


12 Most Manipulative Narcissistic Traits

narc name tag

Narcissist have a special way of making the victim feel crazy for being hurt and appalled by the narcissist’s abuse. They call it gas lighting, I call it soul murdering, mind fuckery.


I was married to a narcissist for 6 years and then dated a narcissist for almost two years after that. It’s embarrassing I stayed that long in a toxic marriage only to leave one narcissist just to move on to the next.

Below is a list of the most manipulative, soul sucking, sadistic traits narcissist play on their unsuspecting victims.

#1. Narcissist will make you apologize a thousand time for being angry for something they did to hurt you, but they won’t apologize once for what they did to hurt you and make you angry in the first place.

#2. Narcissist have a way of just turning off love as if it’s a light switch! They can turn off love just as easily as they turn on love because they only loved you as a tool to use you.

#3. Narcissist attack the things you value most because those are things you will defend the most passionately. They will hit below the belt without hesitation. They need a highly charged emotional reaction from you to feed their drone-like, empty existence.


#4. Narcissist don’t really want friends. What they want is followers, fans and worshippers who never question or criticize them.

#5. Narcissist deny reality. If you call them out on something they did or said they deny it ever happened as if you’re a complete lunatic. The denial game is real with the narcissist.

Acting as if they truly don’t remember what they said or what they did in such a way you feel sorry for them.

The issue is, what they did or said was probably based on a lie or an illusion and lies are hard to remember. Narcissist act so much they forget the scenes they played.


#6. Narcissist are either racist, sexist, homophobic or openly express some kind of bias against certain people but they don’t call it what it is, they justify their bias with alternative facts. Facts that may be valid in an alternate or parallel universe.

#7. Narcissist don’t want your love, they want your complete submission and obedience. You are not an equal partner to them, your a servant only there to serve their needs while abandoning your own.


#8. If your not always thinking positive about them, they will perceive that as a major relationship infraction and justification for leaving you. There shall be no arguments, no confrontations, no complaints and no negativity.

#9. Their relationship conflict management skills consist of breaking up as solution to every issue that arises. This is why their relationship consist of a roller coaster ride of make ups and break ups. They love the adrenaline rush of breaking up and making up. Normal people find it exhausting, narcissist find it exciting!

#10. Just remember his “crazy” ex girlfriend was just as amazing to him as you are now, despite how much he demonizes her. Everyone that does not completely obey the narcissist is labeled as crazy.

#11. There’s a price to pay for the narcissist kindness. Everything he does for you comes with undisclosed strings attached. He loves from his ego and he’s taking inventory. You’ll receive a bill soon that you will pay for with your tears.

#12. Narcissist think lying and hiding things are not the same. They often justify their lies by saying they didn’t feel it was the right time to tell you. Then they say they didn’t trust you enough to tell you the truth. Then suddenly they are asking you to apologize for their lies. Besides, it’s because you’re so untrustworthy they couldn’t trust you with the truth!


There you have it! The games narcissist play that can truly effect your life in a profound way. Please subscribe to my mailing list to be notified when my book drops, How to Defeat a Narcissist: Proven Techniques to Shut Down a Narcissist. 

By Janell Hihi Copyright@2017


The Reason I Haven’t Written in a while

Hey everyone!

Just checking in! To say I’m overwhelmed is an understatement! I’m trying to finish my book, How to Defeat  Narcissist: Proven Techniques to Shut Down Narcissistic Abuse.

I’m almost done! It’s going to be epic. I’ve done extensive research on narcissism and I’ve developed a few theories of my own. The book is full of knowledge, much needed humor, and most importantly techniques on how to shut Down narcissistic abuse.

Here’s What’s New!


For all my astrology fans, checkout my new YouTube channel Zodiac Wars. Fun astrology facts, studies, shit talking, forecast, horoscopes, compatibility videos and much more!!

I was thinking about changing the name of the channel to Zero Fucks Astrology. Comment below and tell me what you think. Zodiac Wars or Zero Fucks Astrology? Help me! Your feedback is priceless and means everything to me!

Checkout a few of my entertaining and informative Astrology videos below!

Why I hate Taurus & You Should Too! Part 1

Why I hate Taurus & You Should Too! Part 2 – Part 3 Coming soon video cut short.

Besides that, I’m just juggling being a mom and a million other things while not totally losing my shit. I appreciate you stopping by reading, commenting, following and sharing!

By Janell Hihi


Narcissistic Bosses: The Real Reason for High Employee Turnover


Let’s face it. Narcissist are everywhere. They’re literally inescapable. Narcissist have infiltrated the dating scene, the workplace, extended families and every infrastructure and system within the entire world.

Businesses with systems and processes created by narcissistic people become the ideology of twisted narcissistic rhetoric and dysfunction.

Unlike mentally healthy human beings, narcissist and the systems they create to oppress people, are unable to change or adapt to current times. Their ability to evolve is dead.

Instead of working through problems, finding healthy ways to cope and making an effort to become a better person, the narcissist is fixated only by remaining the same and continuing the status quo regardless if it’s in the best interest of the business or employees.

narc name tag

In my upcoming book, How to Defeat a Narcissist, I make a striking comparison of narcissistic personality disorder and the Return of the Dead. Like a dead species, narcissist are unable to grow, learn or evolve into a new way of thinking. Therefore, when we enter an intimate or work related relationship with a narcissist, the relationship can’t evolve. There is a proverbial glass ceiling and the goal of progression stops at a dead end every time.

Narcissism is maladaptive and only concerned with maintaining power over others regardless of what tangible success the company stands to lose. For example, high performing employees get no where with narcissistic bosses. High performers in the workplace take a fall from grace with narcissistic organizations.

Instead of being acknowledged as an asset, High Performers are despised.

When high performers are hired on, the narcissistic organization idolizes them. However, when they start to ask questions, offer ideas and solutions, essentially going above and beyond being a high performing and engaged employee, the narcissist feels threatened.

The narcissist is threatened in two ways. First, the narcissist weak, under-performing and outdated work processes are being constructively questioned. As I mentioned above, the narcissist is maladaptive and must maintain the status quo. There is no growth possible. Especially if it is not recommended by the narcissist himself.

Second, the narcissist starts to feel like he is losing his sense of superiroity just because an employee suggested an idea to improve a work process. Suddenly

Sooner rather than later, the narcissist will begin to devalue the once idolized employee. Suddenly performance reviews will be below satisfactory and the narcissist may even go far as telling you to stay in your place. Once the narcissist ask for your opinion and input, now the narcissist rejects it because it’s a threat to their ego and their narcissistic organizational structure.

Narcissist will despise the free-thinking, intelligent employee and praise the simple, non-threatening, ass-kissing employee. Most narcissistic organizations promote and hire on management that submit to the narcissist ill-devised narcissistic, power hoarding policies. Any employee questioning the narcissist polices or power will remain in a subservient position despite how awesome the employee is performance wise.


Narcissistic Managers are Passive Aggressive and Lack the ability to give REAL Feedback

Doing a one on one with a narcissistic manager, everything will be all sunshine and rainbows until they have to explain why you didn’t get promoted or why they keep disciplining you in a passive aggressive manner that stunts your growth as an employee. A manager who can’t give employees real and honest feedback doesn’t want them to grow within the organization. Instead of giving an employee constructive ways to improve, the narcissist disciplines his employees by annoying them.

Narcissist boss specialize in Micro aggression’s.


The narcissist will make indirect threats and snarky comments to destabilize the employee who thinks they are smart or doesn’t know how to properly bow down them. The narcissist will give them extra tedious assignments, move there desks every two-weeks, single them out of special meetings, opportunities or assignments.

The narcissist will talk behind the employees back and berate them yet smile in their face. The narcissist will use micro-aggression like it’s there first language just because they lack the courage to face issues head on. They like to call their passive aggressive, brush over the shoulders nature “soft skills.”

Like all narcissist, honest dialogue between mature adults will never take place. It’s a pipe dream. Talking to them, emailing them, meeting with them or even trying to reconcile with them is virtually impossible. They will act like they are engaged in resolving issues, but they are more engaged, behind the scenes to simply control you and keep you in your place. Your performance is irrelevant, only your ability to submit to their power tactics is what truly matters to the narcissist boss and/or organization.

Narcissistic companies do not have an official training program

This is classic narcissistic bullshit. A company that lacks a training program is trouble. What healthy organization would not take the time to create a training program to ensure their employees are knowledgeable about the company, it’s program, products and objectives?

Simple answer, a narcissistic company that feeds off training people on an individual level so that they can pick and choose who gets what kind of training and why. The narcissist doesn’t want all employees to be on the same page. First off they are lazy and second it gives them more leverage to control employees in a covert and manipulative manner.

The narcissist can hoard information and knowledge that can prevent employees from prospering in their position so that the narcissist remains in control and most knowledgeable. Narcissist hate sharing information. They want you to come to them for answers to stroke their egos and validate their sense of superiority. Start up or not, 3 employees or 100 employees, a company lacking a training curriculum is riddled with narcissistic management.

Narcissistic Employers Have No Policies in Place

Don’t be fooled by a company who lacks an employee handbook and company policies and procedures. The narcissistic company will lie to your face in the interview and tell you that they have an unrestricted environment and implementing policies and procedures creates the kind of rigid corporate environment they want to avoid. They want you to be human and feel free at work. That’s not possible. All companies need policies that act as boundaries to protect the company and it’s employees.

It’s bullshit. Like a narcissistic partner who is unwilling to commit to avoid being held accountable for their behavior, the narcissistic boss operates exactly the same. Without sound policies in place, the narcissistic company can “at will” unfairly discipline you, fire you, harass you, retaliate against you and treat you in a way that doesn’t hold them accountable because of the lack of policies in place.

However, if policies were enacted, the narcissist would have to behave according to standards. What defines a narcissist is their inability to take responsibility. The definition of responsibility in this context is one’s ability to avoid responding. An ambiguous workplace where anything the narcissist does and says goes is ideal for abuse and a toxic work environment. Avoid working for companies who have a “no policy” policy.

Narcissistic companies have a high turnover rate

If in every department of the company, the turn over rate is extremely high with weekly resignations and farewell emails. The company has some narcissistic, toxic and systematically corrupt issues intact. Especially when people in prestigious or higher up positions quickly vacate, there is trouble brewing in paradise and if you are an individual who can’t thrive under narcissistic regime, you’ll be the next one putting in a two week notice.

Narcissistic companies designates a villain and blames them for all the companies problem.

I am guilty for believing the hype. A company I worked for chose to blame all their corruption and their extremely hostile work environment on one person. She left the company and was still being blames. I bought into but I was unaware that they treated her in such a way that changed her behavior and eventually influenced her to seek employment elsewhere. W

When she left, there was no miraculous transformation of the companies policies or hostile environment. The same bullshit remained but it became even worse. Since she left the narcissism on every level of the company was turned up a notch yet and still they continue to blame a manager who left the company months or even years ago. The inability to take responsibility.

Heed the warning and plan for your exit. Your employment with a narcissistic employer will end with you leaving or suing. Your only fighting chance is legal action. Decide now if you want to expend the mental energy and loss of vital life source continuing to work for a company riddled with narcissistic management.


Narcissistic Repellent: Good Listeners Can Never Be Manipulated


If you listen closely to what people say, how they say it and the words they choose to convey the message they are trying to deliver, you will immediately understand the pivotal art of discernment between facts and fiction.

It is wise to listen and paraphrase immediately after a statement is made, particularly after you’ve had an interaction with a narcissist.

Narcissist sugar coat, generalize, deflect and minimize important issues into casual, unimportant and dismissive conversations so that the other party in the interaction feels crazy for even asking, insinuating or bringing up a matter that appears important to them.

It is absolutely essential to quiet your emotions and your resistance when interacting with a narcissist so that you handle the interaction like an attorney rather than an emotional counterpart.

Narcissist lack human emotion and empathy so interacting with them from an emotional perspective will serve you no leverage whatsoever.

Approach the narcissist like they are your business partner, not your lover. For example, ask direct question, “Why did you tell me you would pay the phone bill but you didn’t?”

The narcissist will respond, “You never told me to pay the bill, you asked me if I would and I never gave you a direct answer. The problem is you always make assumptions and put unrealistic expectations one me. Why didn’t you just tell me to pay the bill?”

Before you act emotionally, dissect what the narcissist just said carefully.

“You never told me to pay the bill, you asked me.”

This is a deflection, if you respond to a deflection it will bring you down an unproductive rabbit hole. Do not respond to that statement.

“The problem is you always making assumptions.” 

This is the narcissist attempt to deflect the responsibility on you. Another form of deflection which does not deserve a respond.

“You always put unrealistic expectations on me.”

This is an accusation not rooted in reality which is another form of deflection. Do not take the bait! Do not respond to this statement directly.

“Why didn’t you just ask me to pay the bill?”

This is the ultimate form of deflection. A manipulative person who dodges personal responsibility puts the nail in the coffin when they ask a question that deflects blame from them to you. If and when you answer, you officially took the bait and you will find yourself explaining yourself instead of them explaining why they didn’t do what they were supposed to do.

So how do you respond when you can’t respond to anything they said because it’s full of deflective statements and questions?

You don’t respond to anything the narcissist said.

You simply re-ask the same question you originally asked. Using the example above you would ask, once again… “Why didn’t you pay the phone bill after you agreed to pay it?”

The narcissist will then accuse you of deflecting by not responding to their original statements. Don’t take the bait!

Instead, ask them to pay the bill now by saying, “Can you pay the bill right now?”

One of two things will happen, they will get angry and storm off or they will defend their stance by stating they never agreed to pay the bill so their not paying.

Either way, you probably won’t win if your dealing with a narcissist but you will certainly not have to defend yourself against something they did. In this case, I’d pay the bill and move on with my life… Without the narcissist in it!

Do you need help leaving a narcissist? I am a survivor of narcissistic abuse and I will be happy to listen to your story and give advice. One 35 minute, confidential call for only $14.95. Sign up Today!

Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Consultation

35 Minute confidential consultation.


By Janell Hihi @copyright 2017

If It’s Meant to Be it Will Be? Or If You Want It, Go Get It?

well wisher

I believe when people say, “If it’s meant to be it will be,” they use it as a cliche’ cop-out.

It’s a way for people who refuse to grow and admit the truth to rationalize everything in life from break ups, getting fired, not getting a job, not closing a deal, etc.,

They get an easy out without going into depth about why they really left, how they didn’t put in enough work to keep their job or how they failed to close a deal because their weak follow up game.

Not wanting to be the bearer of bad news by just being honest with themselves and others is what keeps passive people spewing out that toxic phrase.

It’s an incredibly rude and insensitive thing to say to people who are going through hard times. No one wants to hear, “Sorry for your loss, he’s in a better place now.” After someone you love dies.

Like, really? How would you know if it’s a better place? Have you been there? Fuck out my face!

Or when you get divorced or have a miscarriage passive people say, “It just wasn’t meant to be.” Trying to process a loss and hearing those 6 gut wrenching words is not okay.

Instead say something like, “I am so sorry, I am here if you need anything,” Is more socially acceptable.

Saying, “Well, it just wasn’t meant to be” is a positive indication of a person who lacks personal responsibility. Instead of just saying I chose the wrong partner or I was always late to work because I never planned ahead, is being honest with yourself and others.


It’s not that it wasn’t meant to be, you just didn’t want it bad enough. And that’s okay. Let’s just be adults and keep it real. Miss me with that tired ass phrase lazy people use to dodge responsibility.

Recently, I wrote an article regarding why I hate passive, beta males.

Men who confuse chasing with pursuing, and have major insecurities that give them a timid and hesitant demeanor that most woman I’ve surveyed find very unattractive.

This article is somewhat of a general follow up. I would like to pose this question to my readers:

Are you more likely to say If it’s meant to be it will be?  or Are you more likely to use the phrase, If you want it go get it?”

If you are more likely to say “If it’s meant to be it will be,” You take a more passive and reserved approach to life in general. This is not a bad thing. It just means you believe in the universe, fate, the flow and what is meant to be yours will fall into your lap.

This fate based approach to life has its pros and cons.

You may not be very good in sales. Ambitious people don’t believe if it’s meant to be it will be. They just manifest and make things happen.

Similar to people who complain about being single but don’t take initiative to go out and meet people. They believe the right person will come when it’s meant for them to come and they don’t have to put in any effort to get out the house and meet new people.

This doesn’t mean they beat a dead horse. It means they do the work to show interest, build and develop and if it all falls apart they are not discouraged. Go getters get up and try again, improving their approach and technique. They don’t sulk in resentment and self-pity.

A go getter will never be left contemplating the question, “What if I did more?” or “What if I showed her that I cared in more ways?” Nah. Assertive, ambitious people try and exercise all possibilities before giving up.

That’s why when they walk away they are not sad and depressed. They feel good because they did everything they could. A beta male or fateful person walks away before the chapter is finished.

Chasing someone is pursuing someone who is showing you zero interest. They constantly cancel dates, respond to text messages 24 to 48 hours later, and when they finally meet with you they are inattentive, late and mentally absent. Go getters don’t pursue people who show zero interest. They move on.

Go getters want a return on their investment. Go with the flow, passive people want the other person to do all the work. That’s the fundamental difference.

The go getter at work follows up on leads daily, the passive, “If it’s meant to be it will be,” individual calls the lead once, never follows up and doesn’t care.

They don’t “force,” sales. Whatever the hell that is supposed to mean. Their tiny paychecks is proof of their dependence on the Universe to deliver. Sad!

Passive individuals may hold back when they should move forward boldly and confidently. Taking initiative to them makes them feel like they are being pushy and pressuring other people.

Passive people easily go along with other’s agenda’s because other people’s efforts makes them feel secure.

The major issue with this approach is you may base your efforts on the other persons efforts that your involved with.

If they don’t compliment you, then you won’t compliment them. If they don’t text you first, you won’t text them ever again. If they don’t ask you to hang out, you won’t ask them to hang out.

If they don’t go down on you, then you won’t go down on them. Sex with passive people sucks! They are too dependent on what you do and how much you show you care before they make any moves on their own.

It’s borderline codependent. Yet, they think taking a backseat to everything all the time makes them appear strong and confident. Nah, they look like pussies.

If you want it go get it!

The freedom in this phrase is undeniable. Do we get everything we go after? No! But do we learn a ton in the process? Yes!

The fruit of knowledge is in the journey not in the destination.

The number one regret on the death beds of many is that they regret they didn’t follow their dreams and love harder!

Who wants to live their lives everyday knowing that they are pre-destined to a certain fate and they can’t do anything about it but let it play out?

Not me! That’s a delusional way to live. Free will and choice does play a part to a certain extent. The only time it doesn’t is when people are faced with systematic oppression and that’s another blog.

They didn’t pay enough attention, show enough affection and they didn’t risk enough to win! They never reconciled differences, resolved grudges nor did they have the courage to ask those they’ve hurt for forgiveness.

Nothing risked, nothing gained. Is your soul’s bank account drained?

What approach do you take and why? Please comment below, “like” and share.


J. Hihi Copyright@2017

When a Narcissist Insults you or Tries to Bait You With An Argument, Do This!


Narcissists don’t talk, or communicate: they fend off, hide and evade” Sam Vaknin

Narcissist are insidious manipulators. They can get under your skin by disguising insults, giving you compliments with sadistic smirks on their face, or suddenly start ignoring you for no reason.

The narcissist craves for you to ask them, “Why are you acting strange, what’s wrong?”

Just so they can reply with, “Nothing!” And a shoulder shrug to dismiss themselves before you start asking more questions.

Narcissist want unsolved problems to exist within their relationships because it fuels the toxic environment that will eventually strip away your virtues, your patience, and inner peace.

The narcissist wishes to keep their victim in an anxious state. They never want you to be able to calculate or predict their next attack on you.

If you are in a state of anxiety with a narcissist and can’t seem to find your way out of the fog, I have a solution.

Everything the narcissist says and does is bait to drag you down further into their inner hell.


Fight back with the 6 proven techniques below:

  1. Remain Unreactive: Act as if you didn’t see what they did or hear what they said. Act completely oblivious. They may try harder to bait you for a reaction but keep acting as if you don’t notice and remain unbothered. To release your pain confide in a close friend or family member. Just don’t give the narc the satisfaction of seeing you sad.
  2. Answer every question with a question: This will annoy anyone, especially a narcissist. If a narcissist asks you a demeaning question, never, ever, answer it. Ask them why they asked that question? Then ask them what answer do they expect? Then ask them what motivated them to ask the question? Then ask them why they are asking so many questions. But never, answer the original question. This way, the narcissist is stuck explaining why they asked you a question and you stay unengaged, and you don’t take the bait.
  3. When the narcissist gives you the silent treatment write them letters. Write the letter very sloppy so they don’t understand a single word written. Leave some of the letters on sticky notes and stick them to the fridge or bathroom mirror. Sooner or later they will ask what the hell you wrote in the letter and shazam! The silent treatment is broken. If you don’t live with them, send them a letter in the mail with sloppy handwriting and keep quiet until they ask you about the letter. This works like a charm! If they still ignore you, ignore them back and focus on yourself. Catch up with your friends, hang out and keep posting all your fun pictures on social media. He will realize sooner rather than later the silent treatment isn’t going to work on you.
  4. When they blatantly insult you reply with “Oh stop, you don’t even believe that.” Say it calmly and with a smile. Walk away from the confrontation or quickly change the topic to something more positive. Throw in a goal you just reached or even compliment them with how great they look. Another tactic to use when they verbally abuse you is to compliment them. Instead of insulting them back, give them a compliment for every insult they hurl at you. This will disarm them and throw them off balance. Say the compliments with a sincere loving tone and watch what happens! The narcissist will try harder or storm off to get away from you.
  5. When the narcissist gaslights you and calls you crazy, respond by saying the most annoying questions of all times… “I know you are, but what am I?” If you follow the steps above, it should never get to the point where the narc is able to successfully gaslight you because you’re no longer taking their bait. You can also respond to them calling you crazy by saying, “You know, you’re right. In fact, I just booked an appointment with a psychologist and may get on some meds.” Then ask him what medications he thinks you should try and what mental conditions he thinks you may have… Manic depression? Bipolar? Extreme paranoia? Keep asking him his expert advice on your so-called mental issues as mockery. But act sincerely like you agree that you are crazy and need professional help. Go as far as really booking an appointment with a psychologist on the terms that he has to go to your appointments with you. Watch the reaction. Suddenly, you won’t be so crazy after all.
  6. Never react and never get defensive. Disengage your emotions and respond to the narcissist with tact, strategy, and deflection. Never defend abuse, never explain yourself, always counterattack with clever techniques.

Try the 6 steps above and comment below to share your success story. This works! I’ve done it time and time again with narcissist family members and co-workers. If the narcissist becomes violent, seek help immediately. Leave and then contact the authorities.

Fight back against narcissist abuse by ultimately leaving the narcissist for good. Narcissist never change. It’s them, not you! Get out and do it fast!

By Janell Hihi


When Your Husband Resents Taking Care of You: The Silent Abuse Stay at Home Mother’s Endure.

finacial abuse

The share of mothers who do not work outside the home rose to 29% in 2012, up from a modern-era low of 23% in 1999, according to a new Pew Research Center analysis of government data.

Stay at home mothers is on the rise again. Considering the cost of daycare, women are left with no other choice.

I recently hosted a baby shower for my niece and of course, when women get together, we talk! The conversation started out between me and two of my sisters, and as others overheard the topic, they began to chime in.

The dialogue was both informative and emotional. Complaints turned into tears and stories were shared among all women involved from various age groups. We were underappreciated, undervalued and disrespected at some point in our lives for being stay at home mothers.

It’s as if men can’t seem to make up their minds if they want miss independent or a caring stay at home mother who makes her family her job.

We came to the conclusion that most men want both. We also came to the conclusion that we are trying to live up to that unrealistic fairytale and we are damn near killing ourselves in the process.

Where do we draw the line? 

The berated stay at home mom syndrome is a silent, insidious abuse that many women endure on a daily basis.

This type of abuse is a sensitive subject because in most cases, the financially dependent women who is at home taking care of the kids is afraid to speak out because her livelihood depends on it.

She knows if she speaks up or gets out of line, her man who keeps threatening to leave will actually leave. The fear of him leaving her out in the cold with no job or resources usually keeps her tongue in knots. Nothing silences a woman more than fear.


Some men use their financial power over stay at home mothers to abuse them. They do this by constantly pointing out that the stay at home mother has no job, therefore she has no say so, and no power to make any substantial decisions in the relationship.

Financial abuse is abuse, plain and simple. A man does not have to put his hands on you to abuse you. Instead, he can use his mind to manipulate you, shame you, and put you in a situation where you are continuously pregnant, at home and unable to work, just so he can berate you and blame you for being unemployed and not contributing “Financially.”

The mere act of a woman staying home to raise her children saves the family money instantly. Homemade meals, no daycare bills and decreased anxiety most working parents experience is more than a contribution within itself.


Forced Family

In this situation, the woman is essentially pregnant every other year of the relationship, ensuring that she will never have the chance to return to work. Depending on her earning power, with the birth of each child, the cost of childcare makes it impossible to return to work.

To really know a man’s character, depend on him for something and see how he reacts! Does he willingly help with entusiasm? Or is he reluctant and makes a comment about how much he loves “Independent” women?

Some men go so far as to call stay at home mothers lazy!

If you ever sat at home with an infant and a toddler, you would know that taking care of children 24/7 is the most exhausting work in the world.

When a stay at home mom wants to vent to you, give her your undivided attention and listen. Stay at home mom’s live with a guilt influenced by society but mainly the man who works day in, and day out, and comes home complaining that she doesn’t have a job.

Imagine being a woman and feeling guilty about staying home and raising your kids while your man is at work? Imagine feeling worthless for being a parent? Now imagine being called lazy for taking care of your children and running your own household?

Most stay at home moms suffering from financial abuse believe that they should feel “Lucky,” to have the privilege to stay at home despite the fact that they are being called lazy and living under highly critical and controlling circumstances.

They feel as if they don’t deserve to complain just because they are not working. This couldn’t be further from the truth. I keep hearing these women say, “Well, he works hard to provide for me so I can’t really complain when he get’s frustrated and yells at me.”

When abuse is justified by the victim, it’s very sad to listen to.

Beware of the man who NEVER appears to be satisfied.

Financially abusive men cannot comprehend the meaning of a partnership. Their understanding of a marriage is elementary. They believe building a life with someone is equivalent to finding a roommate in college. He believes what’s mines is mines and what’s yours is yours. This separatist ideology is the reason this type of man has a hard time maintaining relationships.

If a married man feels like his wife and kids are “living off of him,” he hasn’t quite grasped the concept that the “I” turns into a “We” when he decides to start a family. 

The same man who complains that his wife is living off of him, is the same man who appears to be overly protective of his children. When the wife offers to update her resume’ and start looking for a job, all of a sudden her husband has a problem with daycares.

He asks, “Who will be taking care of my children while you’re at work? I don’t trust daycares!” 

Of course, his confusing, contradicting demands leave her feeling hopeless and unable to find a solution to her husband’s incessant bitching and complaining.

To ensure that he maintains control over his wife, the financially abusive man will purposely get his wife pregnant again as soon as she starts to look for a job. This ensures that if she is offered a job, she will have to quit eventually when the baby is born or go on maternity leave.


“Every Penny Spent Is A Penny Tracked

Every penny, and I mean every penny must be accounted for when given to the woman in this relationship. If it cannot be accounted for then the emotional and even physical abuse ensues and consequences are handed out. This may involve being given less money for basic necessities or being forced to beg for money. The feeling of being trapped in the house with no money for gas, food or transportation is crippling and women in this type of relationship stick to this rule or they know they will suffer the consequences.” By Ginger Dean.

The stay at home mom lives in confusion and spends many sleepless nights lying awake trying to make sense of the endless contradictions. Her man was loving and supportive when he expressed his interest in building a big family together. He even told her he wants her to be the type of mother who raises her own kids. He wanted a wife who took pride in her role as a mother and homemaker and who kept the house clean and cooked a homemade dinner every night.

However, when he found out his fairytale would soon be shattered by the reality that on some days, despite her being home with the kids all day long, the house would still be messy, and sometimes ordering a pizza was all she had the energy to do. When he realized she would suffer from depression, be in a bad mood when he got home on certain occasions or wanted to meet her friends for happy hour on a Tuesday evening after he came home from work, is when he began to complain.

Taking care of the house and caring for the kids is not a real job to most men. As a result of this kind of backward thinking, many men feel resentful for fitting the bill for their entire household. But wait, isn’t that the man’s role? Or is it both parent’s role to provide financially and take care of the kids equally?

I noticed that generational cultural changes have given women more opportunities than ever to work and also provide for their families. However, it appears men still want to hold on to gender roles based upon the ideology of Patriarchy too. In other words, they want their cake and eat it too.

So, when it’s time to pay the bills he wants an “Independent women,” but when it’s time to wash the dishes, give Charlie a bath and take Melissa to gymnastics, he wants a woman who takes pride in performing the duties as a mother!

Men today want women to work full-time and pay half of the bills, be an awesome mother who does most of the parenting which includes taking time off work to take the kids to doctor appointments, soccer practice, and birthday parties.

He also wants her to make it home in time to prepare a healthy, homecooked meal, give the kiddos a bath, help them with their homework and tuck them into bed by 8:30pm while he gets to chill on the sofa with a beer after he gets off of work.

That doesn’t appear fair to me at all! Ladies, most of you are getting played trying to do everything. Learn how to delegate responsibilities and make everything 50/50. That includes household chores and tending to the children.

It’s no wonder, women are dying of heart disease and heart attacks at an alarming rate, now more than ever in history!

The stay at home mom is literally verbally attacked when she stands up for herself and asks for a break from the children. Many men say things like, “You need a break from what? You don’t have a job, you stay at home all day with the kids.”

Many men have the audacity to say that they are being used because they have to pay all the bills. Perhaps they should do more research and look up the prices of daycare for 2 or 3 children. Most Americans would spend their entire salary on daycare if there were not women willing to stay home and raise their kids.

If you are suffering from stay at home mom “Financial Spousal Abuse,” you are not alone. Many women are suffering in silence. Verbal and mental abuse is unacceptable. If you are fed up for being held to unrealistic expectations 24/7, switch it up!

Get a job if you can, get back your independence and watch as your man sulks in envy. The contradictory behavior will continue. As soon as you start working hard on a job and somewhat slacking as a parent, your man will start to complain that all you do is work and you don’t pay attention to your kids.

You will never win with some men… there will always be some taste of dissatisfaction on his bitter tongue. Damned if you do and damned if you don’t!

The unappreciative man will remain unappreciative. He will always find the place in which you lack because he fails to realize perfection will never be accomplished. Ask yourself, is this the kind of man you want to spend the rest of your life with?

I am currently writing a book “The 52 Laws of Maintaining Power in Relationships,” and the most powerful law in the book is to ALWAYS maintain financial independence. In other words, don’t become a stay at home mom unless you know for sure your man will be supportive of it.

Plan ahead and save money before the baby comes so if you need to leave, you can do so without fear of falling into poverty. Being a stay at home mom should be temporary. Never, under any circumstances be a stay at home mom for years on years with an unappreciative, immature man!

He will leave you! Mark my words. To maintain power, attraction, and independence in a relationship, you MUST always have your own money.

Never marry a man who doesn’t understand the meaning of a partnership. If he believes that maintaining his financial independence and personal aims and ambitions is above providing for his family, run towards the nearest exit!


By Janell Hihi Copyright@2017


The Narcissist Favorite Victims: 4 Most Codependent Zodiac Signs


In a recent article, I pointed out the top narcissistic signs in the Zodiac. This article will do the opposite by listing the 4 most codependent Zodiac signs. The narcissist purposely seeks codependent people because they are the perfect victim to prey upon.

The codependent has low self-esteem, a huge need for validation and a glitch that makes them give and give while accepting very little in return. Codependents accept non-reciprocal relationships and narcissist are inherently incapable of reciprocation which makes these two a match made in heaven.

What does it mean to be codependent?


#1 Codependent Zodiac Sign: CANCER

Cancers are excellent caregivers. They also make great parents. Their willingness to nurture those around them with love, support, and attention can allow the Cancer to easily be used, abused and manipulated.

The nursery rhyme, “Mary had a Little Lamb,” is a great example of how Cancer’s follow their love interest hopefully and blindly. Mary’s little lamb is the symbolic representation of a Cancer and how they operate in relationships. They like to revolve around their partner.

The narcissist is immediately attracted to the Cancers parental-like characteristic because the narcissist had an abusive or an emotionally unavailable parent as a child. The narcissist wants to feel loved and supported and the Cancer is the only sign who eagerly gives love and attention unconditionally.

The problem with most Cancers is that they don’t know where to draw the line. They give and give and then become resentful. They give selflessly just so they can cry their favorite line, “But I gave you everything!” The Cancer’s dark side is to be a martyr like most water signs. Cancer’s want to be the one to sacrifice it all just to complain and whine about it incessantly.


The victim role is their favorite role. They purposely attract people into their life who will abuse them, just so they can feed their emotional turmoil and depression. Like, most co-dependents, Cancers manifest toxic relationships into their life believing they can fix the other person. This never works, and the Cancer is always hurt in the end. Never learning from their mistakes.

Cancer’s capitalize off their sadness. The rapper 50 Cent got shot five times yet continuously brags about his so-called immortality in his rap lyrics. Cancer’s don’t share their testimony of their hardships and struggles to be a beacon of light for others. Instead, they use it solidify their proud role as the victim. They want you to know what happened to them. They want you to know how other people went out of their way to hurt them.

Cancer is one of the most intuitive and clairvoyant zodiac signs but they rarely act on their instincts. This is what makes the Cancer so puzzling and hard to figure out.

Cancer, like Pisces and Scorpio, can vacillate between being a codependent and a narcissist. After all, they are two sides of the same coin. They can play both roles simultaneously throughout their lives. However, they are more likely to be the co-dependent than the narcissist. Pisces however, is the only water sign with more narcissistic traits.

One thing you will never, ever hear, is a Cancer taking responsibility for their pain. Instead, they say sadistic things like, “It’s my fault,” or “Everyone thinks I’m worthless.” They want pity more than they want respect. FACTS! The narcissist preys on this desire and usually strings along a Cancer for decades inflicting varying levels of abuse onto them.

How Cancers can heal from narcissistic abuse:

Cancers can use their emotions to heal from narcissistic abuse. Narcissist hate emotions. They don’t want to feel because they are numb from the abuse they endured as a child. The cancer must learn to cut off their nurturing side and feel the toxic emotions and turmoil that the narcissist in inflicting upon them. When Cancers internalize the toxic emotions caused by the narcissist, they will gather the strength to leave.

Cancers must retreat into their shell, go “No Contact,” on the narcissist and “Feel” their way out of love with the toxic narcissistic. Once the Cancer comes out of hiding, their mind and heart will be clear, precise and all-knowing. They will leave the narcissist because they will finally realize that the narc is completely incapable of reciprocating  unconditional love.

#2 Gemini



Gemini’s have a child-like innocence to them that makes them somewhat naive. Narcissist prey on their naivety. The optimistic Gemini wants to see the best in others to their own detriment. Gemini’s typically don’t believe what is being shown to them in front of their own eyes until it’s too late.

Gemini is the astrological child of the zodiac. Children are often victimized because they don’t know any better. With age, Gemini’s tend to harden and become more skeptical after they’ve been burned 6 or 7 times.

However, while in their younger years, Gemini’s will often be targeted by narcissist. It is vital that Gemini’s study psychology and become keenly aware of their intuitive abilities at a very young age to prevent becoming prey to narcissism.

Gemini’s must learn to trust their inner voice and avoid situations that can take them off the course of their divine purpose. Like a child, Gemini is very curious and experimental. Their desire to wonder off and try new things makes it very easy for narcissist to take the Gemini out of her comfort zone and into new territory almost effortlessly.

Gemini is a mutable sign, which means that they are flexible and can easily adapt to any situation. The narcissist will take the Gemini on a rollercoaster ride of toxic and euphoric emotions and the Gemini will easily adapt. The Gemini must learn how to stand firm and not just go with the flow. This easy going demeanor they inherently inhabit is what get’s them in trouble.

Gemini is the child of the zodiac and is naturally care-free, avoiding major responsibility and using cleverness to get out of the binds they put themselves in. They will depend on others easily like a child and therefore become codependent in a rather innocent and naive way.

The Gemini will try to “Talk it out,” with the narcissistic using their excellent communication skills, blatant honesty and logic to resolve issues with the narcissist until they realize that trying to reason with a narcissist is like trying to nail jello to a tree. It never works. When the Gemini realizes they can’t talk out their problems with a narcissist, they will begin to slip away and prepare to leave the narc behind.

How Gemini’s can heal from narcissism:

Gemini’s are highly gifted artistically. Mostly in writing, song, lyrical composition and speech. The Gemini should write, sing, rap and create stories to heal from narcissistic abuse. Drawing and painting may help too.

Gemini’s get too caught up in the way people make them feel. One of my favorite Gemini’s Lauren Hill, had a hook on one of her songs that sums up the Gemini’s dilemma, “When it hurts so bad, why does it feel so good?”

Feelings are overrated. However, Gemini judges 80% of their relationships with others based on high chemistry and feelings which are both unsustainable, unreliable and do not determine long-term relationship success.

What the Gemini will learn from dealing with a narcissist is to be less mutable and more fixed when it comes to allowing people to come into their lives and sweep them off their feet. They will learn that when something seems to good to be true, it is usually is. The Gemini will begin to shed their naivety and look at things more skeptically. Although in their child-like minds, full of optimism, wonder, and hope, they will always be more inclined to look at the bright side of people, and the world in general.

The narcissist will hate the fact that they can never, ever steal away the happiness and joy of the Gemini. Their bright beautiful souls are there owns for the keeping. Gemini’s will bounce back from narcissistic abuse like no other Zodiac sign can.

#3 Sagittarius


Sagittarius have big hearts. This is especially true for the women, not so much the man. Sagittarius is ruled by the planet Jupiter. The largest planet in our solar system. What’s so special about Jupiter is that not only is its size but it’s ability to eat up comets that could destroy other planets.

Jupiter gobbles up planets and large meteors to protect other planets and that is exactly what the optimistic, charismatic, fun-loving Sagittarius does on a daily basis for other people.

The narcissist gravitates towards the bubbly Sagittarius with a strong magnetic force. Narcissist are energy vampires and Sagittarius naturally possess a ton of energy the narcissist can feed upon.

The Sagittarius will give and give until it dawns on them that they are being taken advantage of.

When the Sagittarius realizes they are being taken for a ride, the Sagittarius will take action. Sagittarius is a mutable fire sign which they can easily adapt and handle change. Most Sagittarius will confront the narcissist directly with cutting words that will unmask the narcissist.

At that point, the Sagittarius is aware of the narcissist game and she will begin to enact revenge or leave altogether. Leaving will be very hard for her and it is likely to be drawn out for several years.

She will cheat, fight back, inflict abuse and still continue to love the narcissist because of her inability to see a negative situation for exactly what it is.

The Sagittarius optimism can blind her. The Narcissist uses her positive attitude as a tool to keep her hoping and wishing things will be better.

Sagittarius love the idea of love and they get blindsided by the fairytale instead of paying attention to the nightmare that is unfolding in front of them. They love affection, attention, and validation.

Sagittarius needs to feel secure in a relationship. They do whatever they can to solidify that security. The narcissist uses this against them and dangles a carrot in front of the Sag face just to enjoy the chase.

A narcissist cannot possess a negative, overly critical person. This is why narcissist never gets very far with Virgo’s. Although Virgo’s make up some of the most famous comedians in the world, they have a critical eye that can see the flaws in a person or relationship almost immediately. That is what protects the Virgo. The Sagittarius will benefit from a Virgo friend or parent who can help them gather the strength to leave the narcissist for good. 

It’s simple. By using their mutable gifts to transcend beyond the pain of abuse and turn it into power and courage to move on. 

#4 Aries 


If you look up the definition of codependency in an online dictionary, a picture of an Aries female will appear.

Aries put love over EVERYTHING. This is both an extraordinary gift and a life-altering curse.

Aries is the ride or die chick the narcissist dreams of possessing. She loves unconditionally. She forgives easily because like a good little codependent she takes the blame for everything the narcissist does to her.

“Maybe I should of lost weight and he wouldn’t have cheated,” Aries says things like that. They will blame their mother, their best friend and even their child for abuse caused by the narcissist just so they can hold on to their relationship for dear life!

Aries is the first sign of the Zodiac. Their astrological age is the infant. It is scientifically proven that infants need love, touch, and affection to survive and thrive.

Aries needs love to survive. Literally! They are pure, innocent, adorable and incredibly open to learning with a spark of curiosity, wonder and genius.

Aries are blessed with being both highly intelligent and artistic. I know, it’s not fair. But who could be mad at them, they are like cute, tiny little infants that we want to hold close and spoil.

Aries loves to be spoiled and the narcissist will love-bomb the Aries and completely sweep her off of her feet in the honeymoon stage of the relationship. The Aries will fall in love fast and furious with the narcissist.

When he begins to show his true colors, the Aries would rather live in denial than face the truth that they got played. The narcissist had his mask on and now it’s off. The Aries continues to believe it’s her fault and she spends every moment trying to figure out what she did wrong and why all of a sudden she is unworthy of his love.

Aries is a Cardinal, fire signs so they will confront the narcissist directly with no filters. However, they will never get the truth. Aries are raw and honest individuals and they can’t quite comprehend why they don’t get direct answers from narcissist when they ask them direct questions.

The Aries will react hostile and in some cases even violently to the narcissistic abuse. The problem is she won’t take corrective action. She only reacts emotionally, not strategically. The narcissist is able to play her like a string because of it.

Corrective action is leaving the narcissist. She won’t leave easily. It will take years or even decades of abuse for her to gather the courage to leave someone she loves because she truly believes she needs this man to survive. Expect the police to be called often because Aries is confrontational.

She may do something out of anger to retaliate against her abuser that could land her in prison. She will make the mistake of neglecting her kids, her friends, her family and her health to be with the man she loves. There are no boundaries. Her harshest lesson is that love is NOT sacrifice. Love is a mutual exchange of energy, respect, honesty, and effort.

How can Aries heal from narcissistic abuse?

Aries is a leader. She is a natural born go-getter. If she summons up her determination to leave the narcissist, she can leave without hesitation for good. She has the power to never look back. People gravitate to her fire, she is a warmth comfort to many on a cold night. There are worthy people waiting to receive her love with total devotion and reciprocity.

If you have a sun or moon sign in any of the signs above, be strong and be brave. Do not let your love and light be taken for granted. It is because you have so much of it, those deprived of it, purposely seek you out.

By Janell Hihi Copyright@2017



Single Mother’s Targeted as Easy Prey

single mothers

I wrote an article Is he dating you to get to your child? about this topic as it pertains to children of single moms prey for pedophiles and abuse from their mother’s boyfriend. It is imperative to understand how selective you must be in who you allow into your home and around your child.

In this article, I want to focus on how men prey on a single woman as easy to sleep with, easy to use and easy to manipulate.

I’m astonished by the men I meet who think that they are about to just instantly get invited into my home, regardless if my child is home, and sleep with me… I don’t know them from the cat down the street and they think they are coming into my home which I share with my child? Never.

Regardless if your single from being divorced or a single parent from having a child out of wedlock, you are vulnerable to abuse.

Men who don’t have kids and date woman with kids may or may not have bad intentions but I will say most single men with no kids don’t want to seriously date women with kids. Typically, they just want sex. Single men see single mothers as easy to sleep with because they equate being a single mother with being desperate.

Most of the time, these men will sleep with single mothers, until they find something they deem better and leave for good. They typically will not ask about her children or ask to meet them. They typically show signs early in the dating process that they just want sex, somewhere to go after the club sometimes and an occasional homemade meal.

However, if a single man with no kids is dating a woman with kids, and wants to meet the kid almost as soon as they meet you, this man is a predator and wants access to your child. I can’t stress this enough.

I dated a guy recently who was hard pressed about meeting my daughter. I immediately grew suspicious and I began to pay more attention to his behavior. Obviously, I never let him meet my child but I did notice he only liked my daughter pictures on Facebook and none of mines. He asked if my daughter’s father was still in her life and I let him know that he is. He responded as if he was disappointed that my daughter’s father was still in her life, it was odd and I took it as an immediate red flag.

I had a sixth sense that he was a predator and confused about his sexuality. I cut ties with him because a normal man who was interested in me, would be relieved that my daughter’s father was still in her life because that means I am not looking for a father for my child, I’m looking for a man to be in a relationship with.

After several attempts of him asking to meet my daughter and me denying him access telling him I have to get to know him first and it may take at least a year or so for him to meet my child, he began to be distant with me and pull away.

He knew that it would be impossible to get easy and fast access to my child and I noticed he showed less interest in me, called and text me less often and became aloof.

I ended it with him, and I hope I left an impression to how strong, stealth and committed a single mother can be when it comes to protecting her child.

However, since he was predatory, he felt discouraged that her father was still in her life because that is an obstacle that would get in his way. It’s truly sickening.

Other men who are narcissistic won’t directly abuse your kids but they will sway you into becoming a bad parent by romanticizing you to spend more time with them instead of your kid.

They see your child as competition for your attention and they may lash out against your child if you are spending more time and attention on them. It may seem childish but I’ve experienced this and coached several women who have as well.

Some men who also have kids will date a woman with kids and keep a wall up between them at two separate families even after the engagement and married. A blended family can be a beautiful thing but some men are so hard pressed on who their kids are and who your kids are that they can’t quite grasp the concept of two families that aren’t biological coming together as one unit.

I’ve coached several women who have boyfriends with kids and they never feel like their boyfriend truly accepts their kid. They are cordial and nice to them but do not show a closeness that a step parent normally would.

This short article is a warning to single mothers that men are looking at you in predatory ways just because you are a single woman with a kid. They are making an assumption that you are weak, desperate and vulnerable.

There are countless Youtube videos with men degrading single mothers, justifying abusing them and using them and literally talk about them like they are stray dogs!

As a single, divorced mother, I am vigilant in protecting myself and my child from the predatory and manipulative men out there who see me as an easy target. I take pride in all means necessary to protect myself and my child and I am far from weak! I would like to educate women on the dangers of being a single mother and how to protect themselves and their child from men who have predatory intentions.

More to come on this, including a nationwide lecture, tour, and book.


By Janell Hihi  Copyright@2017