Healing From Narcissistic Abuse

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He hurt you. You grieved, fussed, complained and cried.It’s over. Is it time to let go and move forward?

Are you afraid to let him go or let go of the pain?

Letting go of him is the easy part, letting go of the awful ways in which he hurt you is the difficult part.

Staying attached to the pain is a form of self-punishment. Victims of abuse believe that holding on to pain is them not letting their ex partner off the hook so easily. However, it’s the opposite… Victims of abuse are so accustomed to feeling pain, anxiety and punishment that when the relationship ends with the narcissist they go on continuing to hurt and abuse themselves with thought and behavior patterns that perpetuate self-sabotage.

I’ve coached so many women who are complacent in their pain. Gripped by it’s confines because feeling pain is their new normal.

Feeling pain is their comfort zone. Whether it started in their childhood and resurfaced in their adult relationships, it’s there. It’s palpable.

Their palate is accustomed to the familiar taste of pain. They are afraid to grow past it. To use it for their rise rather than sulking in it.

The best advise I can give to women healing from mental and emotional abuse is to do one thing everyday that scares you.

You’re no longer broken hearted after you’ve grieved… you’re afraid!

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” – deuteronomy 31-6.

Religious or not, call it God, the universe or divine energy. Cling on to whatever you believe in to get you out of your place of fear. You’re not alone!

Practice being more courageous in your own life until bravery becomes a habit.

What can you do today that will take you out of your comfort zone? The more you explore other spaces to be in the faster your heart will learn to love again. We go back, we replay stories in our head and re-experience trauma because walking through a new door is so frightening.

Ask yourself this “Are still in love with your ex or are you just afraid to move forward with your life?”

Remember…

The price of anything is the amount of life we exchange for it.

– Henry David Thoreau

How many more days will you spend reliving the past instead tasting the sweet nectar of the future?

It’s time to…

Let

It

Go!

By Janell Hihi @Copyright2018

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The Female Ego Exaggerates The Power of Sex

Unfortunately, society only emphasizes the size of the male ego which distracts from the fact that the female ego is equally inflated, if not more so.

The female ego exaggerates the power of sex. In other words, the ego puts too much emphasis on the quality of sex creating a false equivalency between love and sexual intimacy.

Beyonce’s hit song “Ego” actually praises attributes of the female ego. Often times, the male ego is criticized and looked down upon. Women who work very hard on their appearance confuse an over-emphasis on their looks with self-confidence. The truth is, self confidence is an attitude that eloquently expresses “I accept myself and I am enough as I am.”

Being incredibly physically attractive will draw men in however keeping them is accomplished by a mastery of mentalism.

Mature women understand that their looks is only one third of their total package.

However, all women, regardless of how overly identified they may be with their ego believe that their femininity and sexual prowess give them hypnotic power over a man in the longterm. Instead, the opposite effect occurs because men can see through the smoke screen and the more sexually expressive a women is at the very beginning of a relationship with a man, the more suspicious he will become of her intentions and overall character.

In the short-term seducing a man by engaging in sexual activity with him too soon may appear to have some minuscule affect on him. Unfortunately, the effect is like a sugar rush or a temporary high from a drug. Once he comes down from the high, a women’s so-called sexual power fades rather quickly.

Unfortunately, some women have sex with men too soon because their ego misleads them into thinking their sexual skills will lock down a man and keep him interested.

Regardless of how great the chemistry may be, women look at sex as a way to keep a man and men look at sex as a way to scratch an itch and keep it moving.

Women who are in their masculine energy see sex as a free-will, go with the flow, “If it feels right do it,” mentality instead of seeing herself as a prize to be earned.

The same women who preach they have a “Free will” to haves sex and see what happens next are the same women in my inbox crying because they were ghosted. In one instance they preach going with the flow and letting sex happen naturally without an agenda. In the other instance they get very angry, sad and depressed when they don’t get a call back from the guy they had sex with on the second date.

I noticed these women have hidden expectations that don’t come to the surface until their casual sex expeditions don’t end the way they secretly wanted them too. These women really want love but are too identified in their ego. Instead of having the confidence to be assertive and tell a man that they’re looking for a relationship, they act aloof and indifferent to the idea of having a relationship.

The ego creates passive, aggressive and erratic behavior patterns in women because the ego is the instigator in the fight between her heart and her mind.

The ego makes the women believe all she has to offer is her body and her body is therefore over emphasized in value. She believes once she “Puts it on him” he’ll be hooked on her forever. The audacity!

As if casual sex isn’t as easy for a man as it for a women in today’s society. For every “free will, go with the flow, ride or die chick” willingly participating in casual sex with no strings attached, there’s a women who is not identified with her ego who will make a man invest in her before she sleeps with him. This is the women he is secretly and eagerly pursing.

How do you know if you’re too identified with your ego?

  1. You hate to lose more than you love to win. Being ghosted hurts your ego more than it hurts your heart if you say to yourself things like “But the sex was so good I had him calling out my name, how could he ghost me?”
  2. You let compliments get to your head. If you find yourself extra giddy and happy when you receive a compliment from your crush it’s your ego receiving validation and gratification. If you’re blind-sighted to the games men play because you’re infatuated by his flattery you’ll fail to see his true intentions.
  3. You talk about yourself for 10 minutes before asking another how they are.  An unwillingness to engage in a mutual conversation is the ego’s fight to be heard. If your partner know more about you than you know about them it’s not that their less willing to share. It’s that your unwilling to listen and ask inquisitive questions due to a preoccupation with yourself and your own thoughts and interests.
  4. You’re too defensive. If you easily feel attacked by other people it’s a sign of insecurity and an inflated ego. It’s easy to take it personally when people simply differ in opinion. Constructive criticism is more insulting than destructive criticism and you have a laundry list of excuses for all of your actions.
  5. You stopped learning. If you don’t read books because you think you already know everything, you’re too identified with your ego. Trying new things is nonsense to you and the only activities that interest you are superficial and material.
  6. A Sense of Entitlement. You think you’re more special than most people. Everyone is special in their own right but you believe that God gave you a better gift than everyone else. You’ve been anointed like a prophet therefore people should automatically see your worth and treat you like a queen because like Jesus, there’s just something powerful about you and you only!
  7. You can’t comprehend rejection. It takes women with huge egos forever to get over a break up. Why? Because they think they’re so special that no man in his right mind would ever leave them. If they see their ex with another women that they deem less attractive than them, they won’t be able to get over the fact that he “downgraded” not understanding that a women has much more than looks to offer a man. She is unable to comprehend that there are other great women in the world besides herself. Instead of focusing on her own life the women with an inflated ego obsessively compares herself to other women.
  8. You competes with everyone. The ego wants to compare itself with everyone both male and female. The comparison leads to competition. Women with big egos feel a  need to appear better than everyone else. This is why she is intolerable to be around. She constantly needs attention to feed her ego and validation from others that she is as great as she believes herself to be.

Listen, you’re not Rihanna, Sex with you i s not amazing (Listen to that song) and it won’t show a man your value. He won’t get hooked on you because there’s good chemistry. Sex is good most of the time, but it’s best between two people who took the time to get to know each other and love each other.

So get your head out of your vagina and work on being his main course not just dessert.

By Janell Hihi @Copyright2018

Facebook Asked Me for a Copy of My Driver’s License.

First of all, Zuckerberg looks like a Reptilian, android drone who wishes to colonize and distribute other people’s data like a thirsty, Chicago pimp. His body language at the congressional meeting was detached and non-emotional.

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Like most tech companies. Facebook was created and engineered to be addictive to the users. Facebook is an ethereal drug hooking people and stealing their most valuable asset – TIME.

Like candy, sugar, caffeine, gambling, and Heroine… Anyone creating a product or service to addict people is an imminent threat to humanity.

Zuckerberg has access to 70% of the worlds data at the tip of his fingers. Is Facebook connecting the world? Or is it connecting data to distribute to corporate America and the government?

It’s amazing how these tech companies use algorithisms as a scapegoat for their own deceptive behavior. Algorithisms are created. Therefore the creators of those bias and dangerous algorithisms should be at fault.

I was a victim of the data breach with Cambridge Analytical and Facebook. Below is a screen shot of the generic and impersonal, notification Facebook sent to me.

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Every time I log onto Facebook and begin scrolling, I actually feel less connected to people. Facebook’s business model is a con. It connects you to people artificially.

These Silicon Valley data handlers are soul-less hustlers looking to humanize technology. Unfortunately, there is no substitute for face to face human interaction.

I officially deactivated my Facebook account for several reasons. Not only is it a time-sucking, blackhole of endless scrolling down narcissistic news feeds. It thrives off a business model that sells users information to companies.

Facebook sells your data to anyone willing to buy. 

Don’t take my word for it. Listen to this whistle blowers testimony who is a former data scientist from Cambridge Analytical confessing how he helped them misuse stolen data which comprised our democracy.

Mark Zuckerberg, the Taurus who will attain wealth, power and internet monopoly by any means necessary is fully indoctrinated into the elite class of the world. Therefore, any establishment he is affiliated with should raise their brows in suspicion.

Facebook asked me to send a copy of my Drivers License. They suspended my account until I sent a copy of it. How incredibly invasive is that?

If Facebook is purely a “Social Network” Why would I need to send a copy of my drivers license? They are connected to the government. Facebook founder was just held responsible for selling your data to analytical companies that drastically affected the outcome of the elections.

Facebook is a Monster.

The only way to beat Facebook at it’s own game is to create fake profiles. Use a fake email address, a fake name and use it for business purposes only.

Never like, or comment on anything. Do not add any friends or family. Don’t upload any pictures of yourself, family or friends. Just create a business/fan page with a brand name, not your real name and get your prospective customers to like your page. Post only businesses related articles.

It’s better not to have a newsfeed at all. Otherwise you’ll be overwhelmed with meaningless content, selfies, inspirational quotes and cries for attention from people you barely see in real life.

If they ask you to send a copy of your ID. Create another account instead of sending your ID. Easy enough!

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All we can do is offset Facebook and litter it with fake profiles and fake data. Facebook can sell that fake data to companies and hopefully lose money in the end because that fake data won’t yield capital for the companies buying the information.

Everyone wins right? 

End your social media addiction and unplug from this soul sucking matrix devouring your time and energy. After all, we are all data slaves being bought and sold as we meaninglessly post, like, share and scroll down a black hole.

By Janell Hihi Copyright@2018

Never Date the Guy Who Doesn’t Believe in Anything

Beware of the guy who doesn’t believe in ANYTHING.

He’s deceiving because he comes off as very liberal, free-thinking and unconcerned with tradition, trends and societal norms.

He’s that guy who will protest for any cause and pose as a champion for equality, human rights, environmental concerns, animal rights, women’s rights and gun control.

However, the extent of his activism never goes beyond holding up signs at protest, wearing hats shaped like vaginas and posting political memes on Facebook that gives him attention so he can waste hours or even days engaged in debates.

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You won’t see him writing bills to present to congress or running for office. That requires real action, conviction, commitment and passion. All of which he lacks!

Basically, the “I don’t believe in anything” guy is a covert narcissist at best who is more concerned with appearing liberal and fair instead of actually being liberal, just, and fair in real life!

He claims he doesn’t believe in religion but his religion, in fact, is Impression Management! He lives to make impressions instead of actually developing his character.

He comes off as a very concerned citizen who cares about the livelihood of everyone and everything. In the beginning it’s attractive, but overtime it’s an incredibly feminine attribute most women will eventually find repulsive.

Unfortunately, all of his free spirited beliefs will limit how far your relationship with him will progress.

If you ask him about marriage. He will tell you he doesn’t believe in marriage. He’ll say the divorce rate is too high, marriage is dead, marriage is bondage, and marriage is reserved strictly for religious purposes.

If you’re lucky he may even reveal that he believes marriage is only for the benefit of women and puts men at risk of losing everything.

Unfortunately, a quick Google search could debunk his irrational fears. Dozens of studies show that married men earn between 10 and 50 percent more than their unmarried peers and accumulate more wealth overtime despite multiple divorces!

U.S. Census Bureau data bear this out. Full-time median income for married men ages 18-64 years old in 2011 was $55,958, as compared to $40,489 for married women, $34,634 for single men and $32,593 for single women, according to the Current Population Survey 2012 Annual Social and Economic Supplement.

Besides, with prenuptial agreements, any man claiming their afraid of marriage because they fear losing everything they worked for is likely just full of shit.

The truth underneath all that hot air is that he does not want to be a provider nor does he want to be responsible for a family or feel pressured under the commitment of marriage.

He’s a proud feminist. He believe women and men are the same, despite the fact that women still don’t make as much money as men in the same professions. He’ll expect a women to provide 50/50 or take care him 100%.

His philosophy is simple. If men can do it, women can do it. If men work, women work. If a man can lift 100 pounds, a women should lift 100 pounds…

Men and women are not the same. Neither gender is better then the other, we are just different. Males and females have different strengths and weaknesses but liberal, beta males put new age theories over the system nature already established simply for their own benefit!

The atheist, liberal, new age, Namaste, hippie is the worst relationship partner.

He will convince a girl to have unprotected sex with him because it feels organic and then when he gets her pregnant he will evade any responsibility. He believes in going with the flow, not going with morals and standards. He thinks values, standards and expectations are conservative. When in fact, standards and values have nothing to do with conservatism or liberalism, it pertains to one’s character.

Since he is pro choice and believes in abortion he will drop his girlfriend or fuck buddy off at the abortion clinic and make her take an Uber back home after he demands her to get an abortion because he’s not ready to have kids.

He will talk about her to his friends and call her irresponsible for allowing herself to get pregnant as if he didn’t contribute his sperm willingly.

He’s always ready to have unprotected sex with any women who is willing. After all, he is a free spirit and shouldn’t have to answer to anyone! Especially a women.

He supports planned parenthood but won’t utilize the free birth control they offer.

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This type of man only believes in ideologies that will allow him to escape responsibility. He’s a closet narcissist. He’s not prochoice because he loves women, he’s pro choice so that he can have unprotected sex and use abortion as a form of birth control instead of putting on a condom.

He doesn’t believe in titles.

He doesn’t want to be a boyfriend or a husband unless there’s a direct tangible benefit. He wants to be absolutely free from commitment because commitment is responsibility. He will expect boyfriend treatment without giving a woman the girlfriend title. It’s always something for nothing with this type of guy.

He believes single mothers are not worthy dating prospects.

This is exactly why he might just have a baby mama that he owes over $10,000 in back pay for child support. If he doesn’t have kids, I assure you if he is not fixed that there is at least 3 ex girlfriends who’ve had multiple abortions for him.

He has no problem creating a single mother by having unprotected sex with a women he has no plans to be with… If she gets pregnant and doesn’t have an abortion he will have no problem ignoring her and the child for the rest of his life.

He’ll often post his check stubs on social media showing how much money child support took out of his check and complain that the money is going towards his baby mama’s hair and nails. It’s really pathetic!

He will make a vow to himself not to ever date a single mother because they are not compliant to abortion demands from their boyfriends. He will berate the single mother for not getting married before she had kids, and in the same breath express his opinion as to why he thinks the institution of marriage is stupid.

He thinks women should be able have children unwed if they want to and he believes there is nothing wrong with single parent households because women can handle raising a family all on their own without a man’s help!

He will often say things like, “Obama was raised by a single mother.” Which isn’t true, his grandparents practically raised him.

Single mothers are the most impoverished women in America. Married women are ten times better off. Not just for financial reasons. We all know two incomes are better then one. Married women have emotional support and assistance in raising their children.

Children from single family homes are more likely to end up in prison. How is raising a child alone a benefit to anyone?

We all end up paying for single parents through taxes because most need help. Beta males who are unwilling to be providers force the government and tax payers to fit the bill.

Ladies, don’t waste your time with that overly liberal guy who doesn’t have a back bone and is allergic to responsibility. If he doesn’t believe in anything but having the free will to have sex with everyone and avoid responsibility, what kind of husband will he make?

Oh wait, he doesn’t believe in marriage. So what type of boyfriend will he be?

He’s designated himself to the title of a fuck boy for life. Date a man who believes in something that benefits the union of men, women, family values, responsibility and commitment.

By Janell Hihi @Copyright 2018

Why Your Relationship Will Fail According to Your Zodiac Sign: Cancer, Virgo & Libra

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Every Zodiac sign has it’s strengths and weaknesses.

This blog explores the potential reasons as to why your relationship may fail according to the dark side of the Zodiac sign Cancer, Virgo and Libra.

Virgo

The number one reason why a Virgo’s relationship will fail is because Virgo’s over analyze the smallest decisions, commitments and arguments. A virgo who is undecided can linger in that indecision for an unreasonable amount of time. The indecision is viewed by their partner as a lack of care, love and commitment. It’s also a turn-off and sign of insecurity and low confidence.

People like people who can make solid decisions in a timely manner. Virgo’s will also fail at relationships because they tend to be overly critical of their partner and everything and everyone else in general. They’ll complain at the restaurant about the smallest details no one else notices. They will complain at work about everything! They will complain to their partner about every little thing they do, wear, say or don’t say!

Virgo will unconsciously make their partner feel inferior and not good enough even if the Virgo loves their partner dearly. Virgo’s can also be too consistent, dry and boring. They may want to do the same things over and over again without exploring new ways to do old things. This allows the relationship to become stale.

Virgo’s can also put their job and ambitious pursuits before their spouse, children and friends which can ruin relationships just because the Virgo’s long hours in the office. Virgo’s who have a career they love will work more then the average person just because it’s what they do. It’s important for Virgo to have a partner who understands that and allows them the time and space to pursue their goals and dreams without feeling neglected.

Cancer

Stop trying to play mommy or daddy and just play your part as an equal partner in your relationships.

Your role is not to be a parental figure. Don’t play wife to a boyfriend or devoted girlfriend to a booty call. Stop baking pies and doing laundry for people who see you sometimes and texts you sometimes.

Basically Cancer, your relationships won’t last because your always doing to much! Pump the breaks, take a deep breathe and hold off on all your nurturing until that level of commitment is reached in your relationships. It’s easy to feel like you’re often used and taken for granted but the truth is no one told you to sacrifice your soul after only being in a relationship for 6 months. No one feels sorry for you. Make better decisions and ration out what your willing to give to your partner over time.

Too emotional and changeable. 

I know your ruled by the moon and it controls your water element like the tides in the ocean but you’ve gotta get a hold of yourself and stop being so deep too fast. You’ll scare people off and your relationships won’t last very long. Be careful won’t you do and say when you’re drunk with emotion because you can hurt people to the core. You have a psychic ability to look into people’s soul effortlessly and calling your loved ones out in hurtful ways can destroy your relationships. When you’re moody ask your partner for space to be alone instead of activating your silent treatment and use that time alone to calm yourself done and mix emotions with logic to ground yourself.

Bad Temper

Cancer’s are overly emotional by nature. When they are triggered, they can go from zero to 100 real quick! Cancer’s are the most booked criminals for passion crimes according to the crime statistics. They may say and do things that are so sadistic out of anger that they chase people away forever. They think they’ll always be forgiven, and when they aren’t forgiven that become victims seeking pity.

Cancer, you need a partner who understands that you need space to workout your moodiness and emotions and they need to respect that. If they smoother you and block you from retreating into your crab shell, there will be hell to be paid. Make your time and space for your sanity be known to your partner other wise your relationship will fail.

Libra

Stop looking for a partner to balance your libra scales. Here’s a better idea, balance out your own damn scales with self-love and self-fulfillment before you get into a relationship demanding your partner to “balance” you out.

Libra is seriously looking for their other half. They can’t be whole alone. They need relationships like normal people need water. This is why they stand for relationships and they are ruled by Venus. It’s all about their addiction to love. It’s not that they have a profound knowledge of love and relationships that other zodiac signs lack. In fact, that’s far from the truth.

Libra’s can be too focused on shallow, surface beauty that they choose a trophy wife or a playboy as a husband/wife instead of a partner that they are truly compatible with. If a Libra’s partner gains weight or looks begins to fade they will criticize and mock them. Libra’s like everything to stay beautiful and it’s an unrealistic expectation. A libra man will pay for his wife to get bigger boobs and a face lift without hesitation.

Libra, your relationship will fail because you think your partner has the responsibility to constantly make you happy and when they don’t you feel justified in acting like a child by enacting the silent treatment and holding petty grudges. in the heat of the moment, revenge is not beneath you either.

The inability to forgive is a huge relationship hurdle many libra’s fail to get over. They can’t let go of the past and better yet it serves as an excuse for them to get away with bad behavior.

Insane Jealousy.

Learn how to be happy for your partner and your friends instead of being envious of them when they get ahead in life. If you would only stop comparing your self worth to their’s you’d be a lot happy and healthier in your relationships. Not everything is a competition. Not everything needs to be discussed and dissected either. Libra you need to learn when to be quiet, back down and let go.  Otherwise your relationship is doomed. Don’t be threatened by your partner’s success or ambition, be focused on your own.

Escapist

Libra’s escape facing themselves through dodging responsibility, reckless relationships, liquor, drugs and SHOPPING. They are blessed with an incredible fashion sense and the debt that comes along with their shopping addiction. This can ruin relationships. Libra face yourself with using escape routes and your life and your relationships will improve drastically.

By Janell Hihi Copyright @2018

What Every Women Should Consider Before Having a Child Before Marriage

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Stop feeling bad for wanting to be a wife and have a family. You’re just being a WOMAN.

Personally I believe a women should never, ever, ever, have a child out of wedlock. Statistically, it’s not beneficial to the women or the child. Unfortunately, it’s become a trend and societal has suffered tremendously as a result.

Today 1 in 4 children under the age of 18 — a total of about 17.2 million — are being raised without a father.

Religion has nothing to do with it. In fact, I’m not a religious person at all.

It’s a fact that women are vulnerable in society. Thankfully in America, we have the LAW to assist us to ensure we get what we deserve if a man decides to neglect his responsibilities. However, an unwed women with children misses out on the protection of the law only married women benefit from.

The Law, unlike some of these basic women out here with NO standards… understands that men need to know there are consequences for their actions in order to behave.

It’s human nature. Women are the same. A women would run all over a man if he let her. Real men don’t tolerate nonsense from women and vice versa.

If a man asks a women to have a child for him before asking for her hand in marriage, he wants to trap her and take her off the market.

Even though he has no intentions of staying with her, he knows that once she is labeled a “baby mama” it will be more difficult for quality men to take her seriously. He will also always have access to her.

This type of men most likely goes around collecting baby mama’s ruining women and children’s lives all over the country. It’s a pathetic and narcissistic pathology that is happening because women are allowing it.

Have you noticed lately that you receive more baby shower invitations then you do marriage invitations?

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Nearly 40 percent of babies now born in America are to unmarried women. The birthrate for unmarried women in their 20s is higher than for teens. Sociologists say that these new mothers often assume that the baby will “cement” the relationship. But these arrangements rarely last.

Feminism Promotes Single Motherhood

Don’t let these so-called feminist women tell you that you can do it all on your own and you don’t need a man. You can’t do it alone successfully. Look at the statistics, single mothers are living in poverty and their children are suffering as a result. If their not living in poverty, they’re suffering psychological issues due to a lack of father and stability in their lives.

An ex wife with a child whose father is active in the child’s life is not the same as a baby mama, let’s not get it twisted!

If you had one child out of wedlock, forgive yourself and never repeat the same mistake again. 

Marriage is about security and ensuring you bare children with a man who committed to you and made vows before his friends and family regarding his love and dedication for you.

I don’t care how high the divorce rate is or what these loose millennials are doing out here… Children deserve to be born into a life with two parents who love each other and will at least try to give that child the loving, and committed family it deserves!

Sure, unmarried people stay together for years and have children. But secretly, that women who settles will resent not being a wife, regardless of how much she pretends she doesn’t believe in marriage.

A mama bear protects her cubs and ensures their safety and security. She doesn’t lay down with a boyfriend, have unprotected sex and “Accidentally” have a baby uncertain how her boyfriend will react.

Typically, he’ll be upset. He reminds the girlfriend that she’s just a girlfriend and he’s not ready to have children. Then there’s the abortions, resentment and worst of all, a total waste of time and LIFE.

Single mothers are much more likely to be poor than married couples. The poverty rate for single-mother families in 2016 was 35.6%, nearly five times more than the rate (6.6%) for married-couple families.

Among children living with mother only, 40% lived in poverty. In contrast, only 12% of children in two parent families were counted as poor.

Regardless if we like it or not, every taxpayer in America is paying for men who refuse to get married, provide for their families or pay child support. Its a shame that beta males who go around impregnating women like wild animals with an inability to think before they act is a huge burden on society as a whole!

A majority (59%) of SNAP households with children were single mother households. Only 15% received cash benefits from TANF.22Though a small percentage, they represent more than 90% of all TANF families.

I recommend every lady to get married before you have a child. Secure you’re future. Marriage is a legal protection. It’s not about love or religion. It’s about protecting the investment of your time and the wellbeing of your future children.

By Janell HIhi @Copyright2018

Why Men/Women Play Hot & Cold in Relationships

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The game of Hot & Cold is a game of control and fear.

Whether it’s done consciously or unconsciously is irrelevant. It’s about maintaining POWER in a relationship.

It’s about getting the man or women to PURSUE.

It could also be due to financial instability but i’ll touch on that later.

Someone wants to be chased to feel validated. Both the hot and the cold phase are dysfunctional. 

The Hot phase obviously feels better then the cold phase. He showers you with text, phone calls, compliments, interesting dates, invites to events, etc.,

The cold phase he can suddenly go MIA for several days/weeks or even months without calling or texting you. It’s really strange and awkward and it stunts the growth from the momentum that was previously achieved within your interactions.

He takes you all the way to square 7 when he’s hot, but then when he’s cold, you’re back at square one. Not sure what grown woman or man has time for that!

By allowing Mister or Misses inconsistent in your space, you create a tolerance for inconsistent and toxic energy that lowers your vibration.

It’s important that we remember we invite toxicity in our etherial field and we all have a choice not to allow the energy of confusion, indecisiveness and low value attraction, into our space.

Most women email me and they decide to play the game with the guy by allowing themselves to be hot and cold to give him a taste of his own medicine.

That usually leads to nothing but a slow fade out of any desire and passion the relationship had potential for to begin with. Sure, in the short term it will definitely let a man know that two can play that game. However, if he’s just inconsistent in general, that won’t change his hard wired character. It’s a waste of time. He’ll continue to be hot and cold.

Giving into a man’s hot and cold whims is giving him validation of the power he seeks over you as a women. He may have trust issues, fear of intimacy or he may just be a player.

Regardless, he is controlling and he needs to be in charge of the momentum of the relationship.

If you enjoy inconsistency and instability stay and play the hot and cold game. By all means, if you’re not here for the shenanigans of a man who has one foot in and one foot out the door be very clear with him that you expect CONSISTENT communication or none at all.

Ignore his excuses. He’ll have many justifications as to why he has to ghost you once every other week. It’s all bullshit.

However, you should be prepared because he may open up to you and be vulnerable and tell you he is afraid of getting too close in fear of being hurt.

Take your cape off, you can’t save the sad guy. He needs to get over that fear of being hurt by himself. Tell him when he’s ready to take a risk and be vulnerable to hit you up. You may or may not be available.

If he shuts down and doesn’t respond as a result of your direct demand for basic communication, consistency and respect, he doesn’t have the skillset to be in a healthy relationship.

If he agrees to stop his hot and cold behavior but continues the hot and cold game after your discussion, cut him off immediately. Trust me, your time is better spent with someone more functional and mentally stable.

By Janell Hihi Copyright@2018

Why He Won’t Commit: Men Respond to Consequences

ConsequencesCover

Men don’t commit when a women gives off the energy that deep inside, she feels she’s not worthy of a commitment. A man’s behavior is a reflection of the women’s subconscious mind.

If you give him the cow for free, he will never buy the milk. Demanding that a man start paying for something that was given to him freely won’t have any value to him.

He won’t buy it. He won’t commit. What’s the incentive?

Better yet, what are the consequences if he doesn’t commit?

You must set the tone in the beginning of the relationship that you will not perform wife duties for a casual boyfriend.

State your intentions in a sweet and non threatening way so that he doesn’t become defensive.

By simply saying “no” if he asks you to move in with him or have unprotected sex before marriage, will indirectly let him know that he won’t get very far with you without being fully vested in taking his commitment to the next level.

Women who say marriage is just a piece of paper.

Most women who also say they don’t believe in marriage are either filthy rich or come from wealthy families and simply don’t care. Or. their self-esteem is so low that they secretly believe they don’t deserve marriage or a men won’t look at them as wife material. These women never demand much from men and mostly only participate in struggle love.

Simply telling a man “Moving in together and having unprotected sex is for married couples.” Were not ready for that right?” Will set the tone of the relationship that you have standards.

He’ll be shook. And that’s a good thing. Your value will go up tenfold because you showed him you wouldn’t settle!

If you’ve always wanted or been open to marriage, don’t sell yourself short by convincing yourself that the next best thing is the same thing. It’s not. And you deserve to have the bond you dream about – not the one that’s become convenient or “acceptable” today.

What’s trending on the dating scene is a very pessimistic and far left feminist view that marriage is meaningless because the divorce rate is so high.

Instead of reinventing marriage and carefully choosing partners, millenials choose to throw out the concept altogether.  It’s quite disturbing!

Of course if a man doesn’t want marriage he should have no interest in living with you or having children.

Just think about it. If your boyfriend thinks you’re good enough to move in with, why doesn’t he think you’re good enough to marry?

Many women are fucking up the census data because on paper they are not married but they are shacked up with a longterm boyfriend and has children with him. These women are not able to check the “Married” box on paper because they didn’t value themselves enough to protect their own legal rights.

The issue with dating today is everything is backwards now. Women give and give of themselves before commitment and expect to be matched with their efforts and commitments later. They bet their time, energy, sex and love on a future promise or sheer hope that she can love him enough to change his mind about marriage.

The secret to avoiding men who are allergic to commitment is to be the women a man has to come prepared for. You never want to be the women who accepts the man who is not prepared to commit and make it your mission to help him get prepared.

Don’t be the filler girl helping the recently separated man get through his divorce. Don’t help the unemployed guy look for a job and get on his feet.

Instead better yourself and your own situation and wait for a man who is PREPARED to commit.

He’ll leave you regardless of how much you helped him. What’s worse is after he said he didn’t believe in marriage, he’ll marry the next women he meets within a year!

Don’t believe me, just watch! I’ve seen this scenario play out time and time again.

Tyler Perry’s new movie Acrimony that will be released on March 30th is the perfect example.

She believed all her hard work and sacrifices she’s made to help her man will pay off eventually.

It didn’t pay off. He left her and Married another women at the peak of his career. He left her for the women he had to come correct with.

It is imperative to establish time limits with men. Again, men respond to consequences. If they can take everything you have to give without even calling you their fiancé and suffer no consequences… meaning you stay in the relationship and continue to act like a wife when your nothing more then a girlfriend with NO LEGAL PROTECTION.

It‘s important to check a boyfriend when he is out of his jurisdiction. 

If your boyfriend is helping you decide where to live, where to work, how to discipline kids that aren’t his, etc., He is acting like your husband not your boyfriend.

He needs to be put in his place immediately! Set parameters and boundaries for boyfriends drawing a clear line between what boyfriends influence and what a potential husband influences.

Boyfriends get your time when it’s convenient for you. Husbands get your time everyday. Know the difference, a boyfriend does not have the privilege to see you everyday! He get’s limited access and if he wants more he needs to commit more.

Stay away from men who say “Marriage is just a piece of paper” but he wants you to be EXCLUSIVE with him.

Exclusive for what?

Stay away from men who say they don’t believe in marriage. Ask him what he believes in. Watch him explain away that real love isn’t validated my marriage. Yawn and role your eyes while he banters.

Marriage is a smart business decision that secures the child, mothers and fathers future. According to a article on Pyschology.com “Unearned Privilege: 1,000+ Laws Benefit Only Married People” Married couples benefit in the following ways:

Economic:

Access to a partner’s Social Security benefits

The right to inherit property even if your spouse dies without a will

Tax breaks on estate taxes

Tax breaks on inheritance taxes

Exemptions from penalties on IRAs that unmarried people pay

Spouses can give each other huge monetary gifts ($14,000 a year, as of 2017(link is external)) without paying taxes, and together, they can give twice that amount to a recipient and the recipient won’t have to pay taxes

Income tax breaks (for married couples filing jointly compared to solo single people)

Worker’s compensation benefits

Relevant to children:

Married couples can jointly adopt children

They have claims to custody

Health-related:

Greater access to health insurance

Hospital visitation rights

When people get married in the U.S., they become officially special. With their marriage certificate in hand, they automatically qualify for the benefits and protections of more than 1,000 laws(link is external)—and that’s just counting the ones at the federal level.

People who marry do not have to do anything to earn that special treatment denied to people who are not married. They do not have to have a good marriage or a faithful marriage or a loving marriage. They do not have to have kids. They do not need to be new to marriage; they get access to the outpouring of protections regardless of whether their marriage is their first or their twenty-first.

I have mentioned the 1,000+ federal laws many times over the 10 years I have been blogging here at Psychology Today. I just realized that I never offered PT readers a list of some of the most important examples. I did do that for one of my monthly columns for Unmarried Equality(link is external), back in 2015 when the Supreme Court legalized same-sex marriage with its Obergefell v. Hodges(link is external) decision. The list of laws was relevant in that context because gaining access to those advantages was one of the important goals of those who worked so hard to make marriage equality a reality.

With thanks to Unmarried Equality(link is external) for their permission to adapt what I wrote for them, here is a sampling of some of the federal laws that benefit and protect only people who are officially married:

Economic:

Access to a partner’s Social Security benefits

The right to inherit property even if your spouse dies without a will

Tax breaks on estate taxes

Tax breaks on inheritance taxes

Exemptions from penalties on IRAs that unmarried people pay

Spouses can give each other huge monetary gifts ($14,000 a year, as of 2017(link is external)) without paying taxes, and together, they can give twice that amount to a recipient and the recipient won’t have to pay taxes

Income tax breaks (for married couples filing jointly compared to solo single people)

Worker’s compensation benefits

Relevant to children:

Married couples can jointly adopt children

They have claims to custody

Health-related:

Greater access to health insurance

Hospital visitation rights

Authority to make medical decisions

Others:

Next-of-kinship rights

Immigration rights

Survivors’ rights and benefits

Can get listed on a spouse’s death certificate

The privilege of not having to testify against your spouse in criminalcases

The privilege of having your communications with your spouse protected in criminal and civil cases.

In fact, stay away from any man who express extremism. Meaning, he is totally against commitment and marriage. You want a man who is open to possibilities who didn’t let his parent’s divorce taint his idea of love, commitment and marriage.

The man who says marriage is a piece of paper but he wants you to move in with him, cook, clean and even have his child without proposing marriage is a con man.

He will have every excuse in the book not to commit to get married. The most annoying excuse is “The divorce rate is too high” The newest excuse is “I’m not religious.” 

I wish there was a break up rate/statistic out there as a rebuttal. I would advise to steer clear of men who use statistics and focus on the negative aspect of marriage. They will likely focus on the negative aspect of everything.

He will make you’re life a living hell!

The same guy who uses divorce statistics to justify why he’s not mature enough to make a solid commitment will likely participate in other risky behavior that statistically proves to be bad for his health or his pocketbook.

The contradiction is real. So is his bullshit.

I did manage to find a few statistical statements from Andrew Ekleberry on Quora regarding relationship versus marriage statistics.

“A husband has openly, publicly, pledged with his actions, to spend his life, with a particular woman.

A boyfriend may say a bunch of words that no one else hears, but in reality has promised, and pledged nothing.

Statistically, a boyfriend relationship will last on average, about 3 years. Whereas a husband will for the most part spend the rest of his life with someone.

Legally, a wife has protections under the law, when married. A girlfriend has zero protection, and will end up completely on their own, if anything happens.

I’ve even seen where a husband passed away, and the girlfriend, that he had been living with for over 15 years, got zero, while the estranged wife, that the husband was still married too, got the house, the car, everything.

A husband is a moral, legal, and religiously affirmed real relationship.

A boyfriend… is basically nothing. A boy…. that’s a friend. That’s what “boy…. friend….” means.”

Furthermore, if a man truly doesn’t want marriage, he will reject the benefits that come with marriage. He will not move in with a women, he will not have children with her and he will not share his finances or resources. He will date and court her only, and he will not expect her to cook, clean or have his children. He won’t expect his girlfriend to have his back like a wife would. Therefore, the relationship should be casual, free and unbinding.

Imagine you’re a sales person at a car dealership and a potential buyer proposes a deal. He would like to drive a car and use it for any purpose he chooses with the option to put as many miles as he would like to on the car. Once he’s done using it, he wants to bring it back to the dealership and trade it in for a newer model.

You offer the customer a deal to buy the car. However, he declines because he doesn’t want the commitment of buying the vehicle but he wants all the benefits that comes with buying a vehicle. You rebuttal the customer by offering him to lease the vehicle but he doesn’t want to lease because he doesn’t want a cap on how many miles he can put on the vehicle without being charged extra.

What would you propose to such a difficult customer? They don’t want to buy the vehicle, however, they want to get over on you. What he wants versus what he’s willing to give is substantially out of balance.

The type of man that seriously does not want marriage will be upfront and should not expect marriage benefits. If he expects marriage benefits but doesn’t believe in a piece of paper, he’s full of shit. He will use you and bend you over every which way until he gets bored and disposes of you.

You offer him NOTHING to look forward to, and nothing to work towards. And the relationship is void of life force and excitement. Your over-giving killed it. May the bond you never let happen rest in peace.

The women who obliges to these foolish demands that men make without demanding any solid commitment of marriage in return are creating monsters for the rest of the women in the dating pool.

If he’s uncertain you’re the one, his uncertainty should cut off all his benefits. Until he becomes certain he shouldn’t be laying up under you and asking you whose texting you. Furthermore, you shouldn’t feel obligated to answer any of his questions.

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When he leaves you after using you up, he believes all women should drain themselves of their resources for a man who doesn’t believe in marriage but does believe in playing house.

When a women gives a man husband privileges without even being engaged she puts a dagger in the progress of the relationship that will forever stunt it’s growth and kill the excitement.

The man who wants you to answer to him, is the man who wants you as his wife. I believe an exclusive relationship is a marriage and a women should never commit until a ring is on her finger.

Boyfriends and exclusivity is like oil and water, they don’t mix. When did women start believing boyfriends have some type of ownership over them with the power to take them off the market?

if you’re both over the age 32… Within 2 years a man should know if you’re the one or not. No exceptions!

If you’re okay with the arrangement of being a girlfriend performing wifey duties, to each it’s own. However, if you’re just pretending to be that type of women to keep a man, stop lying to yourself.

I had a client I coached who dated a guy for 3 years. Finally after 3 years he asked her to move in with him into the house he owned.

He was paying a mortgage. He wanted her to pay half without making her his wife of putting her on the deed. She lived with him for an additional 5 years helping him pay off his house. He never married her. They eventually broke up and she moved out. Basically, he had a roommate with no legal stakes on a mortgage she helped pay. Did she get an equity check from him? NO.

Speaking of equity. Marriage and commitment is your equity. The so-called “Building together” only starts after the marriage license is secured. Everything before that either built up to marriage or was a total waste of time.

Ladies, don’t do it. This something for nothing nonsense with men must stop!

Every good negotiator ensures they get something out of the deal. Stop being weak pushovers!

Stop apologizing for what you want. It’s perfectly okay to want to be a wife. It’s not old school, it’s not old fashioned and it doesn’t make you less of an independent women. It makes you human!

What if your manager at work wanted to give you management responsibilities but refused to promote you, raise your pay or give you the title of a manager? Would you accept that? I hope not, but some of you #%€#! Basic women will.

It’s not about a piece of paper, its about how much he can get from you without giving anything in return! 

If you want more of a commitment but you’re not getting it, pull back.

When he asks you why you’re acting distant and different, tell him nicely and respectfully his inability to commit to you is a clear indication that he does not want you. Let him know you’re going to do you for now and you really don’t believe you need to give him an in depth explanation…

After all, the two of you are not committed. You’re friends! Make sure it is clear the relationship is relabeled as a friendship. The consequence should be clear, no marriage, no marriage benefits! Period, dot com!

By Janell Hihi Copyright@2018