Narcissist Perfect The Act of Sex to Get Their Victim Addicted

Narcissist use everything as a weapon. Spirituality, religion, their family, their children and their friends.

There’s no wonder they use sex as a weapon to ensure their victim is physically addicted to the experience.

Narcissist do everything in bed and they do it with precision and passion. Of course, if their victim is sexually addicted, it will be very difficult for the victim to leave the narcissist.

The narcissist will be very abusive after the honeymoon phase of the relationship and may even withhold sex a punishment right along with the silent treatment.

The narcissist know that the victim is addicted to the sex so the narcissist justifies their abusive behavior by referring to how great the sex is despite all the issues the relationship is plagued with.

The narcissist will use sexual chemistry as a reason the two of you should stay together because the type of chemistry that the two of you have is hard to find.

This is bullshit of course, but it’s an awfully convincing justification when the victim considers the euphoria of great sex in contrast with the abusive, one-sided relationship.

Great sex plus bad relationship equals lack of fulfillment in the end despite how hard the narcissist tries to convince the victim otherwise.

Learn more in my upcoming book How to Defeat a Narcissist Available March 5, 2018

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By Janell HIhi @Copright2018

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Do You Love The Narcissist or Are You Addicted to Him?

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Is it love or addiction?

This is the question I often ask myself when I am staring down a dark chocolate truffle before I devour it.

Many singers, poets and writers would say love and addiction is the same thing. However, I highly disagree!

Addiction is an obsession to a desired outcome that is unrealistic. It’s a fantasy-like train of thought that distorts our reality.

According to Psychology Today ” Sex and love addiction are so commonly bonded that there is a 12-step support group for the combination: Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA). Both love addiction and sex addiction are often viewed as disorders of intimacy.”

What we are addicted to is irrelevant but the fact that we may have addictive personality traits is what’s cause for concern.

Loving a narcissist is addictive because the effect they have on the human brain, psyche and soul of their victim fluctuates from the highest of highs and the lowest of lows just as heroine, cocaine and opioids do.

The rollercoaster ride of high adrenaline and the blunt blow of the fall riddled with low serotonin levels which are often attributed to anxiety, depression, panic attacks, insomnia, obesity, fibromyalgia, eating disorders, chronic pain, migraines, and alcohol abuse. Negative thoughts, low self-esteem, obsessive thoughts and behaviors, PMS, and Irritable Bowel Syndrome are also symptoms of low serotonin.

The highs are like no other, it feels like the best love, heaven-sent, breath-taking sex, endless orgasms, charm, compliments, gifts, attention and emotional availability.

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A relationship with a narcissist is like an addiction to a drug because it’s nothing but consecutive highs and lows.

There is never a feeling of calmness, stability and consistency. It’s one drastic extreme to the next.

And just like a drug, it is extremely difficult to get over a narcissist once they discard you! Withdrawal is real. A support group and a team of loving friends and family members is needed to help you get through the struggle of withdrawal without relapsing.

Your body and soul gets so accustomed to the highs and the lows that it can no longer fathom or adapt to stability, calmness and peace of mind.

It can take months or years to re-stabilize after narcissistic abuse. It depends on how long the relationship was and how severe the abuse was.

I suffered from anxiety attacks out of the blue a few years back because I developed minor post traumatic stress disorder for being in two consecutive relationships with narcissist back to back. I left my narcissistic husband only to later get involved in another covert narcissistic relationship.

My recovery took years. And that’s okay. At the time I left my ex husband I did not know what the difference between covert and overt narcissist was so I fell prey to an opportunistic, manic-depressive, covert narcissist.

I didn’t know I was addicted to the drastic highs and lows. I left one, just to get a hit of another. My ex would break up with me out of the blue or when he didn’t get his way and it would hurt me to the core.

Then, out of the blue he would get back together with me professing his undying love. It was like he would create a catastrophe then come in out of the blue as a hero and save me from the pain he caused.

This is why the narcissist simultaneously switches from villain to hero. Similar to how drug companies make up illnesses and then create a medication that supposedly cures the illness but the side effects are more deadly then the illness itself.

I would look ridiculous when he would break up with me out of the blue. It would be after we went out with friends or to dinner or days after a minor disagreement. I would plead with him to reconsider. I felt ashamed and embarrassed that suddenly he could switch off his feelings like a light switch and just leave.

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I felt like I cared too much. It was confusing and I was often shocked. 

The shock is what kept me hooked and coming back for more. I wasn’t in love. I was addicted!

Listen to Rihanna and Justin Timberlake song “Rehab” 

According to an article written by The Ranch, below is a list of all the signs that you may be addicted to love:

Typical signs of love addiction include:

  • Mistaking intense sexual experiences and new romantic excitement for love
  • Constantly craving and searching for a romantic relationship
  • When in a relationship, being desperate to please and fearful of the other’s unhappiness
  • When not in a relationship, feeling desperate and alone
  • Inability to maintain an intimate relationship once the newness and excitement have worn off
  • Finding it unbearable or emotionally difficult to be alone
  • When not in a relationship, compulsively using sex and fantasy to fill the loneliness
  • Choosing partners who are emotionally unavailable and/or verbally or physically abusive
  • Choosing partners who demand a great deal of attention and caretaking but who do not meet, or even try to meet, your emotional or physical needs
  • Participating in activities that don’t interest you or go against your personal values in order to keep or please a partner
  • Giving up important interests, beliefs, or friendships to maximize time in the relationship or to please a romantic partner
  • Using sex, seduction, and manipulation (guilt/shame) to “hook” or hold on to a partner
  • Using sex or romantic intensity to tolerate difficult experiences or emotions
  • Missing out on important family, career, or social experiences to search for a romantic or sexual relationship
  • Using anonymous sex, porn, or compulsive masturbation to avoid “needing” someone, thereby avoiding all relationships
  • Finding it difficult or impossible to leave unhealthy or abusive relationships despite repeated promises to oneself or others to do so
  • Repeatedly returning to previously unmanageable or painful relationships despite promises to oneself or others to not do so

I can’t stress how important it is to heal from narcissistic abuse before re-entering the dating game otherwise you will attract another narcissist who is more covert, manipulative and deceiving.

Treat your break up with a narcissist like you are entering rehab for drug abuse and I promise you, the healing will be more efficient and expedient.

You don’t love the narcissist. You are addicted. Is addiction stronger than love? Yes, because it disguises itself as love and locks the brain and the heart into a state of perpetual confusion.

Sincerely,

Janell Hihi copyright@2018

Can Narcissist Stay In Longterm Relationships?

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The short answer is “Yes!”

Narcissist will stay with women who continually accept their abuse by denying it and making excuses for it.

As long as the narcissist is getting a steady source of quality narcissistic supply, he can maintain relationships that last decades.

The ideal victim who the narcissist will choose to be in longterm relationship with must never question him, never criticize him and never, ever call out his false self.

Narcissist need their partners to help them maintain their grandiose sense of self by continually complementing them, obeying them and trusting their every word.

The minute you question, criticize or investigate shady behavior from your narcissistic partner is the moment you are disregarded as longterm relationship material to the narcissist.

If you’re not robotic, overly optimistic, degradingly submissive and compliant, the relationship will last a few months to a year at the longest.

This doesn’t mean you’re not good relationship material.

This means you have a healthy level of self-esteem and self-respect that you leave when love is no longer being served.

As long as you understand that it’s his way or the highway, you can maintain a longterm relationship with a narcissist!

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A great way to gauge your level of self-esteem is how fast you are able to recognize narcissistic and toxic relationships and how fast you are able to leave them!

Never look at a relationship and assume because a couple was together 12 years, they must have a very strong bond. It’s safe to assume they’ve been through a lot together. However, it is not okay to assume that relationship is healthy or has allowed each partner to grow into a better person.

It’s important to remember when considering the longevity of narcissistic relationships that it’s the quality of the relationship not the quantity of the years the narcissist stayed in the relationship.

In fact, most narcissist never leave a good source of supply. Usually what happens is the codependent partner realizes they are in an abusive relationship and they finally gather the courage to leave the narcissist for good.

The narcissist will stay in play forever, if the victim allows them to . Narcissist favorite line to manipulate their victims to stay with them is:

“We’ve been together all these years, and we’ve been through so much, and you’re just gonna leave?”

The number of years we are in a relationship is no reason to stay in that relationship. It is the quality of those years that determines whether or not we should stay.

Ten years of being with a man in an off again and on again relationship is not ten years of love, loyalty and respect. Instead, it’s ten years of chaos, instability and inconsistency.

The length of time a man stays with a women does not determine how much he loves her. She could be a safe option, a convenience, a financial resource, or an opportunity for a better life.

She could also be a punching bag he can take out all his frustrations on because she is so lost and codependent, the fear of being alone is worse then being in an abusive relationship.

Narcissist often provoke arguments and fights and then blame the victim for being a nag or a drama queen.

As long as you can live your life constantly being labeled a drama queen and accepting your narcissistic partner as the victim of your alleged paranoia, insecurity and jealousy… you will be able to maintain a longterm relationship with a narcissist.

If you’re reading this because you left a narcissist before you could define the relationship as long-term, good for you!

If you’re reading this wondering how your narcissistic ex lover is in a longterm relationship with another women, remember it’s the women who determines how long she will tolerate narcissistic abuse.

Better her then you!

You’re worth is not determined by how long your relationships last. It’s determined by your ability to walk away from abusive and toxic relationships.

By Janell Hihi @Copyright 2018

Staying Single Forever is an Unnatural Human Aspiration

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A few days ago one of my dear friends proudly announced she wants to stay single forever!

I was shocked. I totally understand that being single for a few years to get your shit together and mend past heartache and pain is necessary.

However, is it natural to want to be single for the rest of your life?

Isn’t it basic human, instinctual desire to have a life partner? Especially considering the way in which our society operates, having a partner to be there for you emotionally, economically, physically and spiritually is in fact, priceless!

I’ve been single by choice for a few years to work on myself and get to know myself again before thoroughly stepping out into the dating scene again so that I am well equipped.

The thought of being single for the rest of my life almost makes life appear incomplete. What is it that we can hold valuable in our lives without sharing it with another?

Who wants a trail of casual flings and on and off again relationships that carry no value, merit or longevity?

In America, you’re usually single until you get married. I often wondered why that is? What happened to the in-between space? Why isn’t it that being in a non-married relationship is not a valid or legal relationship status?

When filing our taxes we can’t right off the time, money and energy we put into relationships that aren’t marriage.

Relationships are supposed to be a bridge that leads to marriage. Unfortunately, they are becoming a bridge that leads to nowhere. 

Having sex regularly with the same person, going out on dates together and spending each weekend together isn’t considered a life together until two people are living together and creating a lasting partnership. When you share bills, love, fears and solve problems together your relationship is a partnership built to last.

There is a huge difference between a relationship and a partnership. I had to learn that the hard way when I constantly entered dead end relationships with people who were just sticking around for a while who had no real intentions on starting a future together.

My parents are coming up on their 57th wedding anniversary and they have endured so much together. Both found the value of loving each other through the storm, practicing forgiveness, tolerance, patience and faith in their union.

This proud single, feminist female propoganda is getting out of control. Sadly, most women who preach that women should raise kids on their own, be independent and never settle for less are the main women who are married over 10, 15 and 20 years!

For me, it’s okay to admit that I need a man. It’s okay to confess that I want a man. I don’t look at myself as less than because I see the value that the right man can bring into my life and I will welcome him with open arms when he arrives.

What I’ve learned being single for the last 3 years is that I can be independent, I can do it all on my own and I can thrive if I work very hard to accomplish my goals.

Consequently, when I reach my goals and there is no one to share my success with, a loneliness emerges within me and my human desire to love and be loved by connecting to a man becomes glaringly apparent to me.

My inherit feminism needs to nurture, love and create with divine masculinity. I find that reiterating lies that society wants women to believe such as “I don’t need a man,” is denying a part of myself that really and truly, unapologetically desires companionship.

By Janell Hihi @Copyright 2016

 

 

When The Guy You Friend Zone Becomes a Stalker

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Can male and females just be friends?

I was naive’ enough to believe once that men and women can just be friends without one person eventually catching very strong feelings. Recently, I’ve become aware of a very common phenomenon that test the authenticity of male/female friendships.

Fake Friending

Is a very common phenomenon where either a male or female who has romantic feelings agrees to just be friends. The beginning of a dysfunctional relationship begins because one friend is pretending that they’re not madly in love with the other. Therefore, the friendship is a fraud.

I consider myself a pretty deep thinker but somehow I disregarded the fact that friendship is the strongest form of love. In fact, my parents are coming up on their 56th wedding anniversary and the glue that has kept them together is their strong friendship.

Today, society has us believing that in order to fall in love with another person, sex must be involved. Of course, that’s not always true, especially considering that many men who become friends with women do so because the women is not interested in a relationship.

The friendship is a way for the male to still keep one foot in the door in hopes that the  female changes her mind. The male usually goes out of his way to get out of the friend zone by trying to impress the female by being there for her when she needs him, buying her expensive gifts, loaning her money and always lending an ear when she needs to vent.

The female then lowers her defenses and spends more time with her male friend believing that his friendship is genuine and there’s no motive behind it.

The female may slip on one night while hanging out with her male friend, drinking and partying and human biology takes over and they have accidental, drunk sex.

The male friend will automatically assume after the accidental act of sex that he is now in a relationship with the female. He will become clingy, call her his girlfriend and will want to be around her 24/7.

The female will get annoyed and eventually tell the pestering, fake male friend, who had a hidden agenda all along that she only wants to be friends and she’s sorry about what happened.

The male friend won’t understand or he’ll act as if he does for a few weeks until his rage, jealousy and delusion takes over him.

At that point, the female will come to the conclusion that her male friend wants to be more then just friends and it’s best to cut the entire relationship off.

Personally, I’ve had to break up with male friends. They didn’t take it very well. I believe it is out of narcissism and delusion that indicate a severe personality disorder that makes a platonic friend pursue someone who clearly indicates repeatedly that they are not romantically interested.

The Obsessed Male Friend Plays it Cool but They use Generosity to Mask their ill will.

True kindness comes from the heart. Not the ego. The male friend who is generous with hidden strings attached is the beta male who does not have the courage to admit to himself that the rejection he is experiencing from his idolized love interest is real.

He ignores reality and lives in denial and pursues a fantasy in his head he has with you. Unfortunately, when you cut him off because he won’t just be your friend, he will stalk you.

The illusion of you being his girlfriend will remain a constant, obsessive, fantasy that he’ll cling to. He may call you from blocked numbers, slash your tires, follow you in his friends cars, set up fake social media accounts to spy on you. He may go as far as trying to sue you in court for all the gifts he’s given you as a friend.

Some women can end up hurt or even killed by obsessed platonic friends.

Every women should strongly consider being friends with a male that is attracted to them because he may be using the friendship to pursue a delusional relationship with her that can potentially turn dangerous.

I always strongly advise against being friends with men who women have had flings with or even long-term relationships with. I personally only prefer friendships with homosexual men based on the drama I experience with male friends in the past who have fallen in love with me.

Unrequited love hurts.

Some men can’t handle rejection. I’ve heard horror stories of some women even being raped by their so-called male friends. Predators pretend to be understanding, helpful angels disguise but that is all an act just to lower the victims defenses. Once you let them in, they won’t let go.

How to Protect Yourself

Set up surveillance.

I found an inexpensive car monitoring devices/video cameras to protect my vehicle. The first thing a psycho stalker will do is tamper with your car.

Purchase a highly sensitive car alarm. It’s worth the investment. It will call your phone as well when your vehicle is even grazed by a bystander it will go off very loud and obnoxiously.

95% of victims know their stalkers. Most are disgruntled friend zoned men, rejected men, and ex-boyfriends that have mental disorders.

Alert your neighbors.

I put a sign up on my apartments bulletin board advising all residents to look out for a vandalizer. I put a picture of him along with the make, model and plate number of his vehicle on the flyer along with my email address. I asked if anyone seen this person to call 911 immediately.

I always make your neighbors aware of what is going on despite your fears of being looked down upon by them. There is no need to feel embarrassed.  People are usually very alert and willing to listen to their neighbors when it comes to possible crime and vandalism.

Take pictures and file police reports.

Regardless of how little damage they did to your car or other property take pictures and report it to the police immediately.

Get a restraining order.

If you don’t act fast, they will continue to level up on the stalking techniques. Try your best to get a free restraining order. However, if you have to pay for it, It’s worth it in the end especially if you have a child to protect. Eventually, the stalker will understand you are quick to act and establish strict boundaries.

21% of stalking victims end up getting hurt or even killed by their stalkers. This is not a game. Ladies be careful out there and act swiftly and accordingly.

By Janell Hihi @copyright@2017

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Most Common Relationship Fears Men Have

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Top Relationship Fears Men have:

Fear of not being able to provide. Men who are financially unstable can’t make love and marriage a priority. The primary focus is obtaining financial security so he will feel secure in his role as a provider. There is no way around this. It’s not you! It’s his pockets!

Fear of a loss of individual freedom. Men fear losing their identity in relationships. They need to feel secure that the women they are with will let them have a life outside of the relationship without bitching and complaining or accusing him of cheating.

Fear of DRAMA. A tactless women who can’t control her mouth or her urge to get revenge on any perceived threat is the drama queen all men avoid. Sure he’ll sleep with her, but he’ll never wife her.

Why? Because she never turns down. She goes zero to 100 without thinking about how her words and actions can devastate her relationship. She is exhausting! One argument after the next, one complaint after the next, one temper tantrum after the next. She’s literally an inevitable heart attack waiting to happen.

Never date a fearful man.

It’s better to date a man who is eager and naive, not sure how things will turn out in the end, but he is certain he will give it all he has to make it work. The fears listed above are general fears mentally healthy men can overcome when they are with a strong, mentally healthy, trustworthy woman.

However, among all fears men have regarding love, fear of failure is a deal breaker!

Effort trumps knowledge and perceived security when it comes to successful relationships. Millennial love has it’s own unique challenges. My parents have been married for over 55 years and their generation had it’s own set of traditional, economic and societal challenges that they had to get through as a couple to sustain their marriage.

A huge mistake most millennials make is trying to duplicate their parents love. It’s important to recognize our generations unique challenges and re-frame a love that works for us in the present moment instead of trying to resurrect a template of love that is not compatible with today’s operating system.

The number one fear most men and women have today is the fear of unrequited love. We’re afraid to give it all we’ve got because we are obsessed with the outcome. Fear is always associated with outcomes. Courageous people never focused on outcomes, they focused on the big picture and the goal at hand because the outcome was depended on effort.

The outcome of a relationship or marriage is dependent on effort. Any man who speaks of fear of commitment has a deep rooted fear of failure in general.

People who are afraid to fail generally suck at relationships as well as every other endeavor they we’re afraid to take on in their lives because of fear of the outcome.

They’re life is lived off of paranoia and perfection. A fearful man is too safe. He is terrified by risks. He is a control freak and if he can’t guarantee the outcome of any situation he won’t get involved. At least not on a level of deep commitment. He will sleep with you and play house but he won’t marry you.

He needs distance between the two of you to maintain his illusion of control, perfectionism and safety so that he can stay tightly tucked into his cocoon.

Unfortunately, a man that is fearful and afraid to fail is not going to change if you love him harder. In fact, it will push him away even more. Overcoming fear of failure is as intense as overcoming drug addiction and it is something that a fearful man must do on his own.

Do you love a man who has a fear of failure?

Be his friend. Help him get help. Don’t be intimate with him. Just be there as a friend in the distance encouraging him to take small risks. Maybe he’ll overcome his fear, maybe he won’t, but your life keeps moving forward and you wait for a man who believes committing to you is a risk worth taking!

Because even if it doesn’t work out, you were worth the the memories and the lessons.

Nama’Slay – Every day!

By Janell HIhi Copyright@2017

 

 

 

Narcissistic Repellent: Good Listeners Can Never Be Manipulated

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If you listen closely to what people say, how they say it and the words they choose to convey the message they are trying to deliver, you will immediately understand the pivotal art of discernment between facts and fiction.

It is wise to listen and paraphrase immediately after a statement is made, particularly after you’ve had an interaction with a narcissist.

Narcissist sugar coat, generalize, deflect and minimize important issues into casual, unimportant and dismissive conversations so that the other party in the interaction feels crazy for even asking, insinuating or bringing up a matter that appears important to them.

It is absolutely essential to quiet your emotions and your resistance when interacting with a narcissist so that you handle the interaction like an attorney rather than an emotional counterpart.

Narcissist lack human emotion and empathy so interacting with them from an emotional perspective will serve you no leverage whatsoever.

Approach the narcissist like they are your business partner, not your lover. For example, ask direct question, “Why did you tell me you would pay the phone bill but you didn’t?”

The narcissist will respond, “You never told me to pay the bill, you asked me if I would and I never gave you a direct answer. The problem is you always make assumptions and put unrealistic expectations one me. Why didn’t you just tell me to pay the bill?”

Before you act emotionally, dissect what the narcissist just said carefully.

“You never told me to pay the bill, you asked me.”

This is a deflection, if you respond to a deflection it will bring you down an unproductive rabbit hole. Do not respond to that statement.

“The problem is you always making assumptions.” 

This is the narcissist attempt to deflect the responsibility on you. Another form of deflection which does not deserve a respond.

“You always put unrealistic expectations on me.”

This is an accusation not rooted in reality which is another form of deflection. Do not take the bait! Do not respond to this statement directly.

“Why didn’t you just ask me to pay the bill?”

This is the ultimate form of deflection. A manipulative person who dodges personal responsibility puts the nail in the coffin when they ask a question that deflects blame from them to you. If and when you answer, you officially took the bait and you will find yourself explaining yourself instead of them explaining why they didn’t do what they were supposed to do.

So how do you respond when you can’t respond to anything they said because it’s full of deflective statements and questions?

You don’t respond to anything the narcissist said.

You simply re-ask the same question you originally asked. Using the example above you would ask, once again… “Why didn’t you pay the phone bill after you agreed to pay it?”

The narcissist will then accuse you of deflecting by not responding to their original statements. Don’t take the bait!

Instead, ask them to pay the bill now by saying, “Can you pay the bill right now?”

One of two things will happen, they will get angry and storm off or they will defend their stance by stating they never agreed to pay the bill so their not paying.

Either way, you probably won’t win if your dealing with a narcissist but you will certainly not have to defend yourself against something they did. In this case, I’d pay the bill and move on with my life… Without the narcissist in it!

Do you need help leaving a narcissist? I am a survivor of narcissistic abuse and I will be happy to listen to your story and give advice. One 35 minute, confidential call for only $14.95. Sign up Today!

Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Consultation

35 Minute confidential consultation.

$14.95

By Janell Hihi @copyright 2017

Sarah’s Suppression: The Obsession to Not Feel

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When things suddenly change and you’re supposed to remain un-bothered. It’s all a part of the defiant act of living. Denying our humaneness to appear emotionally stable. There is no stability in emotions. No solid form, it’s like trying to nail jello to a tree.

They will not submit to the subtle choke of a leash. Untamed. They are erratic and unapologetic. Yet we suppress, deny and act as if they don’t matter. Meanwhile, in our disdain, they seethe and start to seep…

They linger in backgrounds like memories taking me back around that time when he was more consistent. When my insecurity was silenced by his predictability.

But what do we do when patterns die and what is left is a faint whisper, an un-returned text and the toothbrush he left weeks ago, sitting as a reminder that he’s there somewhere in the in-between. He hasn’t arrived and he hasn’t completely left.

The gripping pain of the lingering.

And you better be quiet girl. You better keep cool.

Don’t let your humanness emerge and show him something exist inside you besides an orgasm and a sweaty thrill ride with soaked up sheets and bed hair.

Better not show him you care. He wants to know that you don’t so that your love doesn’t smother him. Since when did love become a sinister sadist roaming the earth looking for victims to torture? After all, isn’t love the giver of life? I can’t breathe air into you if you aren’t willing to be revived.

And after weeks of analyzing his sudden plot twist in my romantic story line, he casually replies to a text I sent 16 days ago…

He said, “I’m just doing me.”

In which I replied, “Oh, so that would imply your no longer doing me.”

He paused for about 30 minutes before responding and replied…

“huh?”

Tidbits with the ignorant conversationalist… More to come.

By Janell Hihi Copyright@2017

Relationship Fatigue: Are You Tired of Togetherness?

 

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What happens when you don’t want to give or receive?

Now more than ever, I find myself saying, “If you ever need nothing, I am totally here for you!”

Are you dealing with someone just to get laid? Are you too lazy to put any effort into anyone but yourself and an occasional booty call to get a break from your daily routine of masturbation?

Instead of finding a boyfriend and making a mental, emotional and time consuming commitment, you’d rather opt for the shorter end of the stick that demands nothing of you but an occasional text consisting of the three letters “WYD” or “I’m on my way.”

You are so far removed from vulnerability, emotions and real intimacy that the title of friends with benefits is too heavy? You’d much rather prefer a more emotionless and robotic title for your situation-ship like “Masturbation Assistant.” That’s a lot more fitting considering the superficial circumstances.

In the past I hated overly sarcastic people. I thought that they were passive aggressive with zero courage to tell someone straight up how they really feel about them. That was until I underwent a mass awakening and I realized people don’t want you to be 100 with them.

Every day I use sarcasm to bury deep emotional issues I have because I am stuck in a matrix with people who celebrate acting like everything is always honky fucking dory.

No one wants you to keep it real. Not at work, not in family conflicts or in intimate entanglements. People who sugarcoat their words and use sly ass jokes to tame their internal rage go further in life in every aspect.

Although the further they go, the less authentic the bonds are that they form with others, it all comes down to playing the game. A game I wanted no part of for so long but I find myself surrendering to the older I become.

Being a realist in a world of bullshit is a glitch in the system that torments my soul. I just updated my software and joined the sunshine and rainbows application hoping that magically I can fit in and reap some of the benefits. Maybe if I act like everything will be okay, and think more on the bright side, I’d feel re-energized enough to enter into a real relationship, once in for all.

So far, it’s not working. So far, I’m just okay with being the way I am and I am completely done with trying to convince myself of being any other way then I am in this very moment which is…

Totally spent, exhausted and fatigued from intimate relationships, emotional entanglements and togetherness.

I wrote this blog because sometimes, in the darkest hour of the night I awaken from my slumber totally okay with my loneliness, relieved that I don’t have to share myself with anyone else, and terrified at my own contentment in this place of celebrated emptiness.

Which brings me to the conclusion that  maybe relationships aren’t for everybody. Certainly not for me. Not right now, at least!

Before I drifted back into my slumber I realize that there’s no one here taking up half the bed, snoring, breathing like a dragon or taking all the sheets. It’s just me, having me, all to myself.

~Bliss

By Janell Hihi Copyright@2017

If It’s Meant to Be it Will Be? Or If You Want It, Go Get It?

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I believe when people say, “If it’s meant to be it will be,” they use it as a cliche’ cop-out.

It’s a way for people who refuse to grow and admit the truth to rationalize everything in life from break ups, getting fired, not getting a job, not closing a deal, etc.,

They get an easy out without going into depth about why they really left, how they didn’t put in enough work to keep their job or how they failed to close a deal because their weak follow up game.

Not wanting to be the bearer of bad news by just being honest with themselves and others is what keeps passive people spewing out that toxic phrase.

It’s an incredibly rude and insensitive thing to say to people who are going through hard times. No one wants to hear, “Sorry for your loss, he’s in a better place now.” After someone you love dies.

Like, really? How would you know if it’s a better place? Have you been there? Fuck out my face!

Or when you get divorced or have a miscarriage passive people say, “It just wasn’t meant to be.” Trying to process a loss and hearing those 6 gut wrenching words is not okay.

Instead say something like, “I am so sorry, I am here if you need anything,” Is more socially acceptable.

Saying, “Well, it just wasn’t meant to be” is a positive indication of a person who lacks personal responsibility. Instead of just saying I chose the wrong partner or I was always late to work because I never planned ahead, is being honest with yourself and others.

The-passive-voice

It’s not that it wasn’t meant to be, you just didn’t want it bad enough. And that’s okay. Let’s just be adults and keep it real. Miss me with that tired ass phrase lazy people use to dodge responsibility.

Recently, I wrote an article regarding why I hate passive, beta males.

Men who confuse chasing with pursuing, and have major insecurities that give them a timid and hesitant demeanor that most woman I’ve surveyed find very unattractive.

This article is somewhat of a general follow up. I would like to pose this question to my readers:

Are you more likely to say If it’s meant to be it will be?  or Are you more likely to use the phrase, If you want it go get it?”

If you are more likely to say “If it’s meant to be it will be,” You take a more passive and reserved approach to life in general. This is not a bad thing. It just means you believe in the universe, fate, the flow and what is meant to be yours will fall into your lap.

This fate based approach to life has its pros and cons.

You may not be very good in sales. Ambitious people don’t believe if it’s meant to be it will be. They just manifest and make things happen.

Similar to people who complain about being single but don’t take initiative to go out and meet people. They believe the right person will come when it’s meant for them to come and they don’t have to put in any effort to get out the house and meet new people.

This doesn’t mean they beat a dead horse. It means they do the work to show interest, build and develop and if it all falls apart they are not discouraged. Go getters get up and try again, improving their approach and technique. They don’t sulk in resentment and self-pity.

A go getter will never be left contemplating the question, “What if I did more?” or “What if I showed her that I cared in more ways?” Nah. Assertive, ambitious people try and exercise all possibilities before giving up.

That’s why when they walk away they are not sad and depressed. They feel good because they did everything they could. A beta male or fateful person walks away before the chapter is finished.

Chasing someone is pursuing someone who is showing you zero interest. They constantly cancel dates, respond to text messages 24 to 48 hours later, and when they finally meet with you they are inattentive, late and mentally absent. Go getters don’t pursue people who show zero interest. They move on.

Go getters want a return on their investment. Go with the flow, passive people want the other person to do all the work. That’s the fundamental difference.

The go getter at work follows up on leads daily, the passive, “If it’s meant to be it will be,” individual calls the lead once, never follows up and doesn’t care.

They don’t “force,” sales. Whatever the hell that is supposed to mean. Their tiny paychecks is proof of their dependence on the Universe to deliver. Sad!

Passive individuals may hold back when they should move forward boldly and confidently. Taking initiative to them makes them feel like they are being pushy and pressuring other people.

Passive people easily go along with other’s agenda’s because other people’s efforts makes them feel secure.

The major issue with this approach is you may base your efforts on the other persons efforts that your involved with.

If they don’t compliment you, then you won’t compliment them. If they don’t text you first, you won’t text them ever again. If they don’t ask you to hang out, you won’t ask them to hang out.

If they don’t go down on you, then you won’t go down on them. Sex with passive people sucks! They are too dependent on what you do and how much you show you care before they make any moves on their own.

It’s borderline codependent. Yet, they think taking a backseat to everything all the time makes them appear strong and confident. Nah, they look like pussies.

If you want it go get it!

The freedom in this phrase is undeniable. Do we get everything we go after? No! But do we learn a ton in the process? Yes!

The fruit of knowledge is in the journey not in the destination.

The number one regret on the death beds of many is that they regret they didn’t follow their dreams and love harder!

Who wants to live their lives everyday knowing that they are pre-destined to a certain fate and they can’t do anything about it but let it play out?

Not me! That’s a delusional way to live. Free will and choice does play a part to a certain extent. The only time it doesn’t is when people are faced with systematic oppression and that’s another blog.

They didn’t pay enough attention, show enough affection and they didn’t risk enough to win! They never reconciled differences, resolved grudges nor did they have the courage to ask those they’ve hurt for forgiveness.

Nothing risked, nothing gained. Is your soul’s bank account drained?

What approach do you take and why? Please comment below, “like” and share.

Namaste

J. Hihi Copyright@2017