Why He Won’t Commit: Men Respond to Consequences

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Men don’t commit when a women gives off the energy that deep inside, she feels she’s not worthy of a commitment. A man’s behavior is a reflection of the women’s subconscious mind.

If you give him the cow for free, he will never buy the milk. Demanding that a man start paying for something that was given to him freely won’t have any value to him.

He won’t buy it. He won’t commit. What’s the incentive?

Better yet, what are the consequences if he doesn’t commit?

You must set the tone in the beginning of the relationship that you will not perform wife duties for a casual boyfriend.

State your intentions in a sweet and non threatening way so that he doesn’t become defensive.

By simply saying “no” if he asks you to move in with him or have unprotected sex before marriage, will indirectly let him know that he won’t get very far with you without being fully vested in taking his commitment to the next level.

Women who say marriage is just a piece of paper.

Most women who also say they don’t believe in marriage are either filthy rich or come from wealthy families and simply don’t care. Or. their self-esteem is so low that they secretly believe they don’t deserve marriage or a men won’t look at them as wife material. These women never demand much from men and mostly only participate in struggle love.

Simply telling a man “Moving in together and having unprotected sex is for married couples.” Were not ready for that right?” Will set the tone of the relationship that you have standards.

He’ll be shook. And that’s a good thing. Your value will go up tenfold because you showed him you wouldn’t settle!

If you’ve always wanted or been open to marriage, don’t sell yourself short by convincing yourself that the next best thing is the same thing. It’s not. And you deserve to have the bond you dream about – not the one that’s become convenient or “acceptable” today.

What’s trending on the dating scene is a very pessimistic and far left feminist view that marriage is meaningless because the divorce rate is so high.

Instead of reinventing marriage and carefully choosing partners, millenials choose to throw out the concept altogether.  It’s quite disturbing!

Of course if a man doesn’t want marriage he should have no interest in living with you or having children.

Just think about it. If your boyfriend thinks you’re good enough to move in with, why doesn’t he think you’re good enough to marry?

Many women are fucking up the census data because on paper they are not married but they are shacked up with a longterm boyfriend and has children with him. These women are not able to check the “Married” box on paper because they didn’t value themselves enough to protect their own legal rights.

The issue with dating today is everything is backwards now. Women give and give of themselves before commitment and expect to be matched with their efforts and commitments later. They bet their time, energy, sex and love on a future promise or sheer hope that she can love him enough to change his mind about marriage.

The secret to avoiding men who are allergic to commitment is to be the women a man has to come prepared for. You never want to be the women who accepts the man who is not prepared to commit and make it your mission to help him get prepared.

Don’t be the filler girl helping the recently separated man get through his divorce. Don’t help the unemployed guy look for a job and get on his feet.

Instead better yourself and your own situation and wait for a man who is PREPARED to commit.

He’ll leave you regardless of how much you helped him. What’s worse is after he said he didn’t believe in marriage, he’ll marry the next women he meets within a year!

Don’t believe me, just watch! I’ve seen this scenario play out time and time again.

Tyler Perry’s new movie Acrimony that will be released on March 30th is the perfect example.

She believed all her hard work and sacrifices she’s made to help her man will pay off eventually.

It didn’t pay off. He left her and Married another women at the peak of his career. He left her for the women he had to come correct with.

It is imperative to establish time limits with men. Again, men respond to consequences. If they can take everything you have to give without even calling you their fiancé and suffer no consequences… meaning you stay in the relationship and continue to act like a wife when your nothing more then a girlfriend with NO LEGAL PROTECTION.

It‘s important to check a boyfriend when he is out of his jurisdiction. 

If your boyfriend is helping you decide where to live, where to work, how to discipline kids that aren’t his, etc., He is acting like your husband not your boyfriend.

He needs to be put in his place immediately! Set parameters and boundaries for boyfriends drawing a clear line between what boyfriends influence and what a potential husband influences.

Boyfriends get your time when it’s convenient for you. Husbands get your time everyday. Know the difference, a boyfriend does not have the privilege to see you everyday! He get’s limited access and if he wants more he needs to commit more.

Stay away from men who say “Marriage is just a piece of paper” but he wants you to be EXCLUSIVE with him.

Exclusive for what?

Stay away from men who say they don’t believe in marriage. Ask him what he believes in. Watch him explain away that real love isn’t validated my marriage. Yawn and role your eyes while he banters.

Marriage is a smart business decision that secures the child, mothers and fathers future. According to a article on Pyschology.com “Unearned Privilege: 1,000+ Laws Benefit Only Married People” Married couples benefit in the following ways:

Economic:

Access to a partner’s Social Security benefits

The right to inherit property even if your spouse dies without a will

Tax breaks on estate taxes

Tax breaks on inheritance taxes

Exemptions from penalties on IRAs that unmarried people pay

Spouses can give each other huge monetary gifts ($14,000 a year, as of 2017(link is external)) without paying taxes, and together, they can give twice that amount to a recipient and the recipient won’t have to pay taxes

Income tax breaks (for married couples filing jointly compared to solo single people)

Worker’s compensation benefits

Relevant to children:

Married couples can jointly adopt children

They have claims to custody

Health-related:

Greater access to health insurance

Hospital visitation rights

When people get married in the U.S., they become officially special. With their marriage certificate in hand, they automatically qualify for the benefits and protections of more than 1,000 laws(link is external)—and that’s just counting the ones at the federal level.

People who marry do not have to do anything to earn that special treatment denied to people who are not married. They do not have to have a good marriage or a faithful marriage or a loving marriage. They do not have to have kids. They do not need to be new to marriage; they get access to the outpouring of protections regardless of whether their marriage is their first or their twenty-first.

I have mentioned the 1,000+ federal laws many times over the 10 years I have been blogging here at Psychology Today. I just realized that I never offered PT readers a list of some of the most important examples. I did do that for one of my monthly columns for Unmarried Equality(link is external), back in 2015 when the Supreme Court legalized same-sex marriage with its Obergefell v. Hodges(link is external) decision. The list of laws was relevant in that context because gaining access to those advantages was one of the important goals of those who worked so hard to make marriage equality a reality.

With thanks to Unmarried Equality(link is external) for their permission to adapt what I wrote for them, here is a sampling of some of the federal laws that benefit and protect only people who are officially married:

Economic:

Access to a partner’s Social Security benefits

The right to inherit property even if your spouse dies without a will

Tax breaks on estate taxes

Tax breaks on inheritance taxes

Exemptions from penalties on IRAs that unmarried people pay

Spouses can give each other huge monetary gifts ($14,000 a year, as of 2017(link is external)) without paying taxes, and together, they can give twice that amount to a recipient and the recipient won’t have to pay taxes

Income tax breaks (for married couples filing jointly compared to solo single people)

Worker’s compensation benefits

Relevant to children:

Married couples can jointly adopt children

They have claims to custody

Health-related:

Greater access to health insurance

Hospital visitation rights

Authority to make medical decisions

Others:

Next-of-kinship rights

Immigration rights

Survivors’ rights and benefits

Can get listed on a spouse’s death certificate

The privilege of not having to testify against your spouse in criminalcases

The privilege of having your communications with your spouse protected in criminal and civil cases.

In fact, stay away from any man who express extremism. Meaning, he is totally against commitment and marriage. You want a man who is open to possibilities who didn’t let his parent’s divorce taint his idea of love, commitment and marriage.

The man who says marriage is a piece of paper but he wants you to move in with him, cook, clean and even have his child without proposing marriage is a con man.

He will have every excuse in the book not to commit to get married. The most annoying excuse is “The divorce rate is too high” The newest excuse is “I’m not religious.” 

I wish there was a break up rate/statistic out there as a rebuttal. I would advise to steer clear of men who use statistics and focus on the negative aspect of marriage. They will likely focus on the negative aspect of everything.

He will make you’re life a living hell!

The same guy who uses divorce statistics to justify why he’s not mature enough to make a solid commitment will likely participate in other risky behavior that statistically proves to be bad for his health or his pocketbook.

The contradiction is real. So is his bullshit.

I did manage to find a few statistical statements from Andrew Ekleberry on Quora regarding relationship versus marriage statistics.

“A husband has openly, publicly, pledged with his actions, to spend his life, with a particular woman.

A boyfriend may say a bunch of words that no one else hears, but in reality has promised, and pledged nothing.

Statistically, a boyfriend relationship will last on average, about 3 years. Whereas a husband will for the most part spend the rest of his life with someone.

Legally, a wife has protections under the law, when married. A girlfriend has zero protection, and will end up completely on their own, if anything happens.

I’ve even seen where a husband passed away, and the girlfriend, that he had been living with for over 15 years, got zero, while the estranged wife, that the husband was still married too, got the house, the car, everything.

A husband is a moral, legal, and religiously affirmed real relationship.

A boyfriend… is basically nothing. A boy…. that’s a friend. That’s what “boy…. friend….” means.”

Furthermore, if a man truly doesn’t want marriage, he will reject the benefits that come with marriage. He will not move in with a women, he will not have children with her and he will not share his finances or resources. He will date and court her only, and he will not expect her to cook, clean or have his children. He won’t expect his girlfriend to have his back like a wife would. Therefore, the relationship should be casual, free and unbinding.

Imagine you’re a sales person at a car dealership and a potential buyer proposes a deal. He would like to drive a car and use it for any purpose he chooses with the option to put as many miles as he would like to on the car. Once he’s done using it, he wants to bring it back to the dealership and trade it in for a newer model.

You offer the customer a deal to buy the car. However, he declines because he doesn’t want the commitment of buying the vehicle but he wants all the benefits that comes with buying a vehicle. You rebuttal the customer by offering him to lease the vehicle but he doesn’t want to lease because he doesn’t want a cap on how many miles he can put on the vehicle without being charged extra.

What would you propose to such a difficult customer? They don’t want to buy the vehicle, however, they want to get over on you. What he wants versus what he’s willing to give is substantially out of balance.

The type of man that seriously does not want marriage will be upfront and should not expect marriage benefits. If he expects marriage benefits but doesn’t believe in a piece of paper, he’s full of shit. He will use you and bend you over every which way until he gets bored and disposes of you.

You offer him NOTHING to look forward to, and nothing to work towards. And the relationship is void of life force and excitement. Your over-giving killed it. May the bond you never let happen rest in peace.

The women who obliges to these foolish demands that men make without demanding any solid commitment of marriage in return are creating monsters for the rest of the women in the dating pool.

If he’s uncertain you’re the one, his uncertainty should cut off all his benefits. Until he becomes certain he shouldn’t be laying up under you and asking you whose texting you. Furthermore, you shouldn’t feel obligated to answer any of his questions.

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When he leaves you after using you up, he believes all women should drain themselves of their resources for a man who doesn’t believe in marriage but does believe in playing house.

When a women gives a man husband privileges without even being engaged she puts a dagger in the progress of the relationship that will forever stunt it’s growth and kill the excitement.

The man who wants you to answer to him, is the man who wants you as his wife. I believe an exclusive relationship is a marriage and a women should never commit until a ring is on her finger.

Boyfriends and exclusivity is like oil and water, they don’t mix. When did women start believing boyfriends have some type of ownership over them with the power to take them off the market?

if you’re both over the age 32… Within 2 years a man should know if you’re the one or not. No exceptions!

If you’re okay with the arrangement of being a girlfriend performing wifey duties, to each it’s own. However, if you’re just pretending to be that type of women to keep a man, stop lying to yourself.

I had a client I coached who dated a guy for 3 years. Finally after 3 years he asked her to move in with him into the house he owned.

He was paying a mortgage. He wanted her to pay half without making her his wife of putting her on the deed. She lived with him for an additional 5 years helping him pay off his house. He never married her. They eventually broke up and she moved out. Basically, he had a roommate with no legal stakes on a mortgage she helped pay. Did she get an equity check from him? NO.

Speaking of equity. Marriage and commitment is your equity. The so-called “Building together” only starts after the marriage license is secured. Everything before that either built up to marriage or was a total waste of time.

Ladies, don’t do it. This something for nothing nonsense with men must stop!

Every good negotiator ensures they get something out of the deal. Stop being weak pushovers!

Stop apologizing for what you want. It’s perfectly okay to want to be a wife. It’s not old school, it’s not old fashioned and it doesn’t make you less of an independent women. It makes you human!

What if your manager at work wanted to give you management responsibilities but refused to promote you, raise your pay or give you the title of a manager? Would you accept that? I hope not, but some of you #%€#! Basic women will.

It’s not about a piece of paper, its about how much he can get from you without giving anything in return! 

If you want more of a commitment but you’re not getting it, pull back.

When he asks you why you’re acting distant and different, tell him nicely and respectfully his inability to commit to you is a clear indication that he does not want you. Let him know you’re going to do you for now and you really don’t believe you need to give him an in depth explanation…

After all, the two of you are not committed. You’re friends! Make sure it is clear the relationship is relabeled as a friendship. The consequence should be clear, no marriage, no marriage benefits! Period, dot com!

By Janell Hihi Copyright@2018

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Narcissist Will Bring Out the Worst in You.

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Narcissist will bring out the absolute worst qualities within their victims.

By constantly poking at their victims using overt and covert manipulative tactics, the victim will eventually react negatively in anger, rage and sometimes violence.

“Don’t push me cause I’m close to the edge…”

Narcissist desire to drive their victims to the edge only to push him off  so they fall into that sunken place of chronic negatively, reactivity, and self-sabotage.

An effective way to determine if a relationship is healthy is to ask yourself if your partner brings out the best in you, or the worst in you?

I had a neighbor who was 9 months pregnant and living with her narcissitic boyfriend at the time. He inflicted so much mental and emotional abuse upon her that one argument they had, changed her life forever!

She lost control during an argument with the narcissist and it turned physical. She was so angry she lost sight of the fact that she was pregnant and endangered herself and her unborn child.

The narcissist left the house as she was trying to explain how his actions and harsh words hurt her. Instead of listening, he abruptly left the house, jumped in his car and sped off. Typically, she would let him leave and cry herself into a slumber. However, this time. She felt like she had enough!

She got in her car and proceeded to chase him down a residential street going 90mph in a 30 mph zone.

She hit a car and killed the driver. She went to prison for several years after be charged with vehicular manslaughter. This is why narcissistic abuse is so dangerous!

You cannot live with, sleep with, eat with, and spend all your time with a narcissist and not absorb their toxic energy and behavior.

There’s a saying that we are the average of the top 5 people that we spend the most time with.

Unfortunately, victims of narcissistic abuse begin to manifest anger, negativity, toxicity, irresponsibility and recklessness by simply being in proximity of a narcissist for long periods of time.

You are what you eat and you become who you sleep with. Most narcissistic abuse victims don’t become full fledge narcissist but they do start to exhibit highly negative qualities that they tried to overcome at one point in their life, but the narcissist conjures up and brings those qualities back to the surface.

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For example, if you were once a cigarette smoker and had an unhealthy diet, being with a narcissist will make you want to go back to bad habits you overcame. You may begin eating unhealthy foods again, smoking cigarettes and neglecting your gym membership because the narcissist will stress you out to the point of depression and hopelessness.

Most victims of narcissistic abuse will cling to any form of comfort they can to cope with their abuse regardless of how unhealthy that source of comfort may be. 

Depression takes individuals away from the hobbies and activities that once made them happy.  From there on out, the victim of narcissistic abuse will begin to see their life spiral downward into hopelessness and despair.

The narcissist will mock your weaknesses. If they find a chink in your armor they will continually poke at it until you snap and lose control.

When the narcissist can provoke the victim into reacting angrily and emotionally, they begin to play the victim like a puppet on a string.

The narcissist wishes to strip the victim of their good qualities and virtues so that they can bring out the absolute worst in their partner. Once that is accomplished and the victim is an emotionally reactive, angry and out of control… the narcissist will begin a smear campaign painting his partner as the crazy villain while they play the victim role.

Don’t let it go that far. Get Out!

By Janell Hihi Copyright@2018

The Number 1 Reason You Can’t Get Over Him

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Regardless if you were in a relationship with a narcissist or not, if you’re grieving beyond a reasonable time frame – you invested too much into the relationship.

It’s easy to place all the blame on a narcissist and their so-called abusive behavior. It’s an entire other issue to avoid acknowledging that perhaps you invested too much time, energy, money or emotion into that relationship.

When one person gives too much, the scale is left unbalanced. The person who did the most feels extremely slighted when the relationship ends.

The individual that gives more to others then they give to themselves will always have a very difficult time getting over an ex. The resentment developed from feeling like you wasted time, energy and resources on a man that you could of invested in yourself triggers anger that is hard to resolve.

This is why we must always put ourselves first. Otherwise, we’ll put unrealistic demands on our partners to satisfy needs they aren’t required to that would make us feel happy and secure about ourselves.

Believe it or not, the bigger an individuals ego, the harder it will be to get over heartache and pain.

The ego has a difficult time accepting that a relationship didn’t work out because the ego believes that the self is perfect and anyone who doesn’t recognize that perfection by expressing disinterest is held captive in the victims mind like a hostage.

Letting go of someone who hurt you shouldn’t feel like you’re giving them a pass. If it does, check your ego at the door. No one is above getting hurt, being betrayed or deceived. A mentally mature person not overly identified with the ego doesn’t allow heartbreak to change how they feel about themselves.

Self-esteem should not waver from high to low based on whether or not a man decides to leave or stay.

Getting over an ex first requires you to get over yourself.

Nothing annoys me more when I hear women say, “I can’t believe he hurt me.” I always ask them why they can’t believe it?

After a long pause, most women reply by stating how many guys are waiting to date them, how often they get asked out, some even point out how much money they make or their social status as if it’s impossible just because they model part-time that any guy would think of leaving them or cheating on them.

My favorite answer is “I gave him everything!” If you give him everything, you gave too much. Keep some of yourself for yourself and the next time a relationship ends letting go will be a lot easier.

By Janell Hihi @Copyright 2018

 

 

 

To The Women Who is Afraid to Appear Needy

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I had a conversation with a friend a few days ago who hadn’t heard from a guy she’s been dating in a few days. Apparently, sometimes they go days without communicating.

They’d been dating for 2 months and she becomes anxious because she really likes the guy but she is unsure about where the relationship is going because her expectation is they should be communicating more as they get to know each other, not less.

I asked her why she wouldn’t just take the initiative and contact him instead of just passively accepting the dead silence. She said she doesn’t want to initiate communication because she doesn’t want to come off as being needy.

The desire to communicate with a man you’re dating once a day is not coming off as needy by any means.

Daily communication is not the same as demanding he put a ring on your finger. It’s quite basic. And if you’re the type of women who is afraid to come off a certain way and that prevents you from asking for what you want or communicating… Insecurity is your issue and it needs to be addressed.

It’s important to want what you want unapologetically. Men respect that. This doesn’t mean you should be desperate, it means that you can pick up the phone and say “Hey, what’s up, I miss u.”

Regardless if you get a reciprocating reply or ignored, you wanted to communicate, so you did.

Trying to control a man’s perception of you is impossible. In addition, perception control is a narcissistic characteristic.

If you’re afraid of coming off as needy, you’re really just afraid of expressing how you truly feel. How you truly feel is authenticity which is the seed for growth in relationships.

By Janell Hihi Copyright@2018

Narcissist Perfect The Act of Sex to Get Their Victim Addicted

Narcissist use everything as a weapon. Spirituality, religion, their family, their children and their friends.

There’s no wonder they use sex as a weapon to ensure their victim is physically addicted to the experience.

Narcissist do everything in bed and they do it with precision and passion. Of course, if their victim is sexually addicted, it will be very difficult for the victim to leave the narcissist.

The narcissist will be very abusive after the honeymoon phase of the relationship and may even withhold sex a punishment right along with the silent treatment.

The narcissist know that the victim is addicted to the sex so the narcissist justifies their abusive behavior by referring to how great the sex is despite all the issues the relationship is plagued with.

The narcissist will use sexual chemistry as a reason the two of you should stay together because the type of chemistry that the two of you have is hard to find.

This is bullshit of course, but it’s an awfully convincing justification when the victim considers the euphoria of great sex in contrast with the abusive, one-sided relationship.

Great sex plus bad relationship equals lack of fulfillment in the end despite how hard the narcissist tries to convince the victim otherwise.

Learn more in my upcoming book How to Defeat a Narcissist Available March 5, 2018

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By Janell HIhi @Copright2018

Do You Love The Narcissist or Are You Addicted to Him?

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Is it love or addiction?

This is the question I often ask myself when I am staring down a dark chocolate truffle before I devour it.

Many singers, poets and writers would say love and addiction is the same thing. However, I highly disagree!

Addiction is an obsession to a desired outcome that is unrealistic. It’s a fantasy-like train of thought that distorts our reality.

According to Psychology Today ” Sex and love addiction are so commonly bonded that there is a 12-step support group for the combination: Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA). Both love addiction and sex addiction are often viewed as disorders of intimacy.”

What we are addicted to is irrelevant but the fact that we may have addictive personality traits is what’s cause for concern.

Loving a narcissist is addictive because the effect they have on the human brain, psyche and soul of their victim fluctuates from the highest of highs and the lowest of lows just as heroine, cocaine and opioids do.

The rollercoaster ride of high adrenaline and the blunt blow of the fall riddled with low serotonin levels which are often attributed to anxiety, depression, panic attacks, insomnia, obesity, fibromyalgia, eating disorders, chronic pain, migraines, and alcohol abuse. Negative thoughts, low self-esteem, obsessive thoughts and behaviors, PMS, and Irritable Bowel Syndrome are also symptoms of low serotonin.

The highs are like no other, it feels like the best love, heaven-sent, breath-taking sex, endless orgasms, charm, compliments, gifts, attention and emotional availability.

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A relationship with a narcissist is like an addiction to a drug because it’s nothing but consecutive highs and lows.

There is never a feeling of calmness, stability and consistency. It’s one drastic extreme to the next.

And just like a drug, it is extremely difficult to get over a narcissist once they discard you! Withdrawal is real. A support group and a team of loving friends and family members is needed to help you get through the struggle of withdrawal without relapsing.

Your body and soul gets so accustomed to the highs and the lows that it can no longer fathom or adapt to stability, calmness and peace of mind.

It can take months or years to re-stabilize after narcissistic abuse. It depends on how long the relationship was and how severe the abuse was.

I suffered from anxiety attacks out of the blue a few years back because I developed minor post traumatic stress disorder for being in two consecutive relationships with narcissist back to back. I left my narcissistic husband only to later get involved in another covert narcissistic relationship.

My recovery took years. And that’s okay. At the time I left my ex husband I did not know what the difference between covert and overt narcissist was so I fell prey to an opportunistic, manic-depressive, covert narcissist.

I didn’t know I was addicted to the drastic highs and lows. I left one, just to get a hit of another. My ex would break up with me out of the blue or when he didn’t get his way and it would hurt me to the core.

Then, out of the blue he would get back together with me professing his undying love. It was like he would create a catastrophe then come in out of the blue as a hero and save me from the pain he caused.

This is why the narcissist simultaneously switches from villain to hero. Similar to how drug companies make up illnesses and then create a medication that supposedly cures the illness but the side effects are more deadly then the illness itself.

I would look ridiculous when he would break up with me out of the blue. It would be after we went out with friends or to dinner or days after a minor disagreement. I would plead with him to reconsider. I felt ashamed and embarrassed that suddenly he could switch off his feelings like a light switch and just leave.

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I felt like I cared too much. It was confusing and I was often shocked. 

The shock is what kept me hooked and coming back for more. I wasn’t in love. I was addicted!

Listen to Rihanna and Justin Timberlake song “Rehab” 

According to an article written by The Ranch, below is a list of all the signs that you may be addicted to love:

Typical signs of love addiction include:

  • Mistaking intense sexual experiences and new romantic excitement for love
  • Constantly craving and searching for a romantic relationship
  • When in a relationship, being desperate to please and fearful of the other’s unhappiness
  • When not in a relationship, feeling desperate and alone
  • Inability to maintain an intimate relationship once the newness and excitement have worn off
  • Finding it unbearable or emotionally difficult to be alone
  • When not in a relationship, compulsively using sex and fantasy to fill the loneliness
  • Choosing partners who are emotionally unavailable and/or verbally or physically abusive
  • Choosing partners who demand a great deal of attention and caretaking but who do not meet, or even try to meet, your emotional or physical needs
  • Participating in activities that don’t interest you or go against your personal values in order to keep or please a partner
  • Giving up important interests, beliefs, or friendships to maximize time in the relationship or to please a romantic partner
  • Using sex, seduction, and manipulation (guilt/shame) to “hook” or hold on to a partner
  • Using sex or romantic intensity to tolerate difficult experiences or emotions
  • Missing out on important family, career, or social experiences to search for a romantic or sexual relationship
  • Using anonymous sex, porn, or compulsive masturbation to avoid “needing” someone, thereby avoiding all relationships
  • Finding it difficult or impossible to leave unhealthy or abusive relationships despite repeated promises to oneself or others to do so
  • Repeatedly returning to previously unmanageable or painful relationships despite promises to oneself or others to not do so

I can’t stress how important it is to heal from narcissistic abuse before re-entering the dating game otherwise you will attract another narcissist who is more covert, manipulative and deceiving.

Treat your break up with a narcissist like you are entering rehab for drug abuse and I promise you, the healing will be more efficient and expedient.

You don’t love the narcissist. You are addicted. Is addiction stronger than love? Yes, because it disguises itself as love and locks the brain and the heart into a state of perpetual confusion.

Sincerely,

Janell Hihi copyright@2018

Can Narcissist Stay In Longterm Relationships?

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The short answer is “Yes!”

Narcissist will stay with women who continually accept their abuse by denying it and making excuses for it.

As long as the narcissist is getting a steady source of quality narcissistic supply, he can maintain relationships that last decades.

The ideal victim who the narcissist will choose to be in long term relationship with must never question him, never criticize him and never, ever call out his false self.

Narcissist need their partners to help them maintain their grandiose sense of self by continually complementing them, obeying them and trusting their every word.

The minute you question, criticize or investigate shady behavior from your narcissistic partner is the moment you are disregarded as long term relationship material to the narcissist.

If you’re not robotic, overly optimistic, degradingly submissive and compliant, the relationship will last a few months to a year at the longest.

This doesn’t mean you’re not good relationship material.

This means you have a healthy level of self-esteem and self-respect. It means you leave the table when love and respect is no longer being served.

As long as you accept that it’s his way or the highway, you can maintain a long term relationship with a narcissist! He may even marry you due to your compliant and subservient behavior. As long as you can financially benefit him and you never question his intentions, you’re as good as gold and the relationship can last a lifetime!

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A great way to gauge your level of self-esteem is how fast you are able to recognize narcissistic relationships and how fast you are able to leave them!

Never look at a relationship and assume because a couple was together 12 years, they must have a very strong bond. It’s safe to assume they’ve been through a lot together.

It’s important to remember when considering the longevity of narcissistic relationships that it’s the quality of the relationship not the quantity of the years the relationship lasts that should be considered.

Most narcissist never leave a good source of supply. Usually what happens is the codependent partner realizes they are in an abusive relationship and they finally gather the courage to leave the narcissist for good.

The narcissist will stay and play forever, if the victim allows them to. Narcissist favorite line to manipulate their victims to stay with them is:

“We’ve been together all these years, and we’ve been through so much, and you’re just gonna leave?”

The number of years you’re in a relationship is no reason to stay in that relationship. It’s  the quality of those years that determines whether or not one should stay.

Ten years of being with a man in an off again and on again relationship is not ten years of love, loyalty and respect. Instead, it’s ten years of chaos, instability and inconsistency.

The length of time a man stays with a women does not determine how much he loves her. She could be a safe option, a convenience, a financial resource, or an opportunity for a better life.

She could also be a punching bag he can take out all his frustrations on because she is so lost and codependent, the fear of being alone is worse than being in an abusive relationship.

As long as you can live your life constantly being labeled a drama queen and accepting your narcissistic partner as the victim of your alleged paranoia, insecurity and jealousy… you will be able to maintain a long term relationship with a narcissist.

If you’re reading this because you left a narcissist before you could define the relationship as long-term, good for you!

If you’re reading this wondering how your narcissistic ex lover is now in a long term relationship with another women, remember it’s the women who determines how long she will tolerate narcissistic abuse.

Better her than you!

You’re worth is not determined by how long your relationships last. It’s determined by your ability to walk away from abusive and toxic relationships.

By Janell Hihi @Copyright 2018

When The Guy You Friend Zone Becomes a Stalker

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Can male and females just be friends?

I was naive’ enough to believe once that men and women can just be friends without one person eventually catching very strong feelings. Recently, I’ve become aware of a very common phenomenon that test the authenticity of male/female friendships.

Fake Friending

Is a very common phenomenon where either a male or female who has romantic feelings agrees to just be friends. The beginning of a dysfunctional relationship begins because one friend is pretending that they’re not madly in love with the other. Therefore, the friendship is a fraud.

I consider myself a pretty deep thinker but somehow I disregarded the fact that friendship is the strongest form of love. In fact, my parents are coming up on their 56th wedding anniversary and the glue that has kept them together is their strong friendship.

Today, society has us believing that in order to fall in love with another person, sex must be involved. Of course, that’s not always true, especially considering that many men who become friends with women do so because the women is not interested in a relationship.

The friendship is a way for the male to still keep one foot in the door in hopes that the  female changes her mind. The male usually goes out of his way to get out of the friend zone by trying to impress the female by being there for her when she needs him, buying her expensive gifts, loaning her money and always lending an ear when she needs to vent.

The female then lowers her defenses and spends more time with her male friend believing that his friendship is genuine and there’s no motive behind it.

The female may slip on one night while hanging out with her male friend, drinking and partying and human biology takes over and they have accidental, drunk sex.

The male friend will automatically assume after the accidental act of sex that he is now in a relationship with the female. He will become clingy, call her his girlfriend and will want to be around her 24/7.

The female will get annoyed and eventually tell the pestering, fake male friend, who had a hidden agenda all along that she only wants to be friends and she’s sorry about what happened.

The male friend won’t understand or he’ll act as if he does for a few weeks until his rage, jealousy and delusion takes over him.

At that point, the female will come to the conclusion that her male friend wants to be more then just friends and it’s best to cut the entire relationship off.

Personally, I’ve had to break up with male friends. They didn’t take it very well. I believe it is out of narcissism and delusion that indicate a severe personality disorder that makes a platonic friend pursue someone who clearly indicates repeatedly that they are not romantically interested.

The Obsessed Male Friend Plays it Cool but They use Generosity to Mask their ill will.

True kindness comes from the heart. Not the ego. The male friend who is generous with hidden strings attached is the beta male who does not have the courage to admit to himself that the rejection he is experiencing from his idolized love interest is real.

He ignores reality and lives in denial and pursues a fantasy in his head he has with you. Unfortunately, when you cut him off because he won’t just be your friend, he will stalk you.

The illusion of you being his girlfriend will remain a constant, obsessive, fantasy that he’ll cling to. He may call you from blocked numbers, slash your tires, follow you in his friends cars, set up fake social media accounts to spy on you. He may go as far as trying to sue you in court for all the gifts he’s given you as a friend.

Some women can end up hurt or even killed by obsessed platonic friends.

Every women should strongly consider being friends with a male that is attracted to them because he may be using the friendship to pursue a delusional relationship with her that can potentially turn dangerous.

I always strongly advise against being friends with men who women have had flings with or even long-term relationships with. I personally only prefer friendships with homosexual men based on the drama I experience with male friends in the past who have fallen in love with me.

Unrequited love hurts.

Some men can’t handle rejection. I’ve heard horror stories of some women even being raped by their so-called male friends. Predators pretend to be understanding, helpful angels disguise but that is all an act just to lower the victims defenses. Once you let them in, they won’t let go.

How to Protect Yourself

Set up surveillance.

I found an inexpensive car monitoring devices/video cameras to protect my vehicle. The first thing a psycho stalker will do is tamper with your car.

Purchase a highly sensitive car alarm. It’s worth the investment. It will call your phone as well when your vehicle is even grazed by a bystander it will go off very loud and obnoxiously.

95% of victims know their stalkers. Most are disgruntled friend zoned men, rejected men, and ex-boyfriends that have mental disorders.

Alert your neighbors.

I put a sign up on my apartments bulletin board advising all residents to look out for a vandalizer. I put a picture of him along with the make, model and plate number of his vehicle on the flyer along with my email address. I asked if anyone seen this person to call 911 immediately.

I always make your neighbors aware of what is going on despite your fears of being looked down upon by them. There is no need to feel embarrassed.  People are usually very alert and willing to listen to their neighbors when it comes to possible crime and vandalism.

Take pictures and file police reports.

Regardless of how little damage they did to your car or other property take pictures and report it to the police immediately.

Get a restraining order.

If you don’t act fast, they will continue to level up on the stalking techniques. Try your best to get a free restraining order. However, if you have to pay for it, It’s worth it in the end especially if you have a child to protect. Eventually, the stalker will understand you are quick to act and establish strict boundaries.

21% of stalking victims end up getting hurt or even killed by their stalkers. This is not a game. Ladies be careful out there and act swiftly and accordingly.

By Janell Hihi @copyright@2017

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Most Common Relationship Fears Men Have

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Top Relationship Fears Men have:

Fear of not being able to provide. Men who are financially unstable can’t make love and marriage a priority. The primary focus is obtaining financial security so he will feel secure in his role as a provider. There is no way around this. It’s not you! It’s his pockets!

Fear of a loss of individual freedom. Men fear losing their identity in relationships. They need to feel secure that the women they are with will let them have a life outside of the relationship without bitching and complaining or accusing him of cheating.

Fear of DRAMA. A tactless women who can’t control her mouth or her urge to get revenge on any perceived threat is the drama queen all men avoid. Sure he’ll sleep with her, but he’ll never wife her.

Why? Because she never turns down. She goes zero to 100 without thinking about how her words and actions can devastate her relationship. She is exhausting! One argument after the next, one complaint after the next, one temper tantrum after the next. She’s literally an inevitable heart attack waiting to happen.

Never date a fearful man.

It’s better to date a man who is eager and naive, not sure how things will turn out in the end, but he is certain he will give it all he has to make it work. The fears listed above are general fears mentally healthy men can overcome when they are with a strong, mentally healthy, trustworthy woman.

However, among all fears men have regarding love, fear of failure is a deal breaker!

Effort trumps knowledge and perceived security when it comes to successful relationships. Millennial love has it’s own unique challenges. My parents have been married for over 55 years and their generation had it’s own set of traditional, economic and societal challenges that they had to get through as a couple to sustain their marriage.

A huge mistake most millennials make is trying to duplicate their parents love. It’s important to recognize our generations unique challenges and re-frame a love that works for us in the present moment instead of trying to resurrect a template of love that is not compatible with today’s operating system.

The number one fear most men and women have today is the fear of unrequited love. We’re afraid to give it all we’ve got because we are obsessed with the outcome. Fear is always associated with outcomes. Courageous people never focused on outcomes, they focused on the big picture and the goal at hand because the outcome was depended on effort.

The outcome of a relationship or marriage is dependent on effort. Any man who speaks of fear of commitment has a deep rooted fear of failure in general.

People who are afraid to fail generally suck at relationships as well as every other endeavor they we’re afraid to take on in their lives because of fear of the outcome.

They’re life is lived off of paranoia and perfection. A fearful man is too safe. He is terrified by risks. He is a control freak and if he can’t guarantee the outcome of any situation he won’t get involved. At least not on a level of deep commitment. He will sleep with you and play house but he won’t marry you.

He needs distance between the two of you to maintain his illusion of control, perfectionism and safety so that he can stay tightly tucked into his cocoon.

Unfortunately, a man that is fearful and afraid to fail is not going to change if you love him harder. In fact, it will push him away even more. Overcoming fear of failure is as intense as overcoming drug addiction and it is something that a fearful man must do on his own.

Do you love a man who has a fear of failure?

Be his friend. Help him get help. Don’t be intimate with him. Just be there as a friend in the distance encouraging him to take small risks. Maybe he’ll overcome his fear, maybe he won’t, but your life keeps moving forward and you wait for a man who believes committing to you is a risk worth taking!

Because even if it doesn’t work out, you were worth the the memories and the lessons.

Nama’Slay – Every day!

By Janell HIhi Copyright@2017

 

 

 

Narcissistic Repellent: Good Listeners Can Never Be Manipulated

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If you listen closely to what people say, how they say it and the words they choose to convey the message they are trying to deliver, you will immediately understand the pivotal art of discernment between facts and fiction.

It is wise to listen and paraphrase immediately after a statement is made, particularly after you’ve had an interaction with a narcissist.

Narcissist sugar coat, generalize, deflect and minimize important issues into casual, unimportant and dismissive conversations so that the other party in the interaction feels crazy for even asking, insinuating or bringing up a matter that appears important to them.

It is absolutely essential to quiet your emotions and your resistance when interacting with a narcissist so that you handle the interaction like an attorney rather than an emotional counterpart.

Narcissist lack human emotion and empathy so interacting with them from an emotional perspective will serve you no leverage whatsoever.

Approach the narcissist like they are your business partner, not your lover. For example, ask direct question, “Why did you tell me you would pay the phone bill but you didn’t?”

The narcissist will respond, “You never told me to pay the bill, you asked me if I would and I never gave you a direct answer. The problem is you always make assumptions and put unrealistic expectations one me. Why didn’t you just tell me to pay the bill?”

Before you act emotionally, dissect what the narcissist just said carefully.

“You never told me to pay the bill, you asked me.”

This is a deflection, if you respond to a deflection it will bring you down an unproductive rabbit hole. Do not respond to that statement.

“The problem is you always making assumptions.” 

This is the narcissist attempt to deflect the responsibility on you. Another form of deflection which does not deserve a respond.

“You always put unrealistic expectations on me.”

This is an accusation not rooted in reality which is another form of deflection. Do not take the bait! Do not respond to this statement directly.

“Why didn’t you just ask me to pay the bill?”

This is the ultimate form of deflection. A manipulative person who dodges personal responsibility puts the nail in the coffin when they ask a question that deflects blame from them to you. If and when you answer, you officially took the bait and you will find yourself explaining yourself instead of them explaining why they didn’t do what they were supposed to do.

So how do you respond when you can’t respond to anything they said because it’s full of deflective statements and questions?

You don’t respond to anything the narcissist said.

You simply re-ask the same question you originally asked. Using the example above you would ask, once again… “Why didn’t you pay the phone bill after you agreed to pay it?”

The narcissist will then accuse you of deflecting by not responding to their original statements. Don’t take the bait!

Instead, ask them to pay the bill now by saying, “Can you pay the bill right now?”

One of two things will happen, they will get angry and storm off or they will defend their stance by stating they never agreed to pay the bill so their not paying.

Either way, you probably won’t win if your dealing with a narcissist but you will certainly not have to defend yourself against something they did. In this case, I’d pay the bill and move on with my life… Without the narcissist in it!

Do you need help leaving a narcissist? I am a survivor of narcissistic abuse and I will be happy to listen to your story and give advice. One 35 minute, confidential call for only $14.95. Sign up Today!

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By Janell Hihi @copyright 2017