Blog

Narcissist Will Bring Out the Worst in You.

p04w6yk7

Narcissist will bring out the absolute worst qualities within their victims.

By constantly poking at their victims using overt and covert manipulative tactics, the victim will eventually react negatively in anger, rage and sometimes violence.

“Don’t push me cause I’m close to the edge…”

Narcissist desire to drive their victims to the edge only to push him off  so they fall into that sunken place of chronic negatively, reactivity, and self-sabotage.

An effective way to determine if a relationship is healthy is to ask yourself if your partner brings out the best in you, or the worst in you?

I had a neighbor who was 9 months pregnant and living with her narcissitic boyfriend at the time. He inflicted so much mental and emotional abuse upon her that one argument they had, changed her life forever!

She lost control during an argument with the narcissist and it turned physical. She was so angry she lost sight of the fact that she was pregnant and endangered herself and her unborn child.

The narcissist left the house as she was trying to explain how his actions and harsh words hurt her. Instead of listening, he abruptly left the house, jumped in his car and sped off. Typically, she would let him leave and cry herself into a slumber. However, this time. She felt like she had enough!

She got in her car and proceeded to chase him down a residential street going 90mph in a 30 mph zone.

She hit a car and killed the driver. She went to prison for several years after be charged with vehicular manslaughter. This is why narcissistic abuse is so dangerous!

You cannot live with, sleep with, eat with, and spend all your time with a narcissist and not absorb their toxic energy and behavior.

There’s a saying that we are the average of the top 5 people that we spend the most time with.

Unfortunately, victims of narcissistic abuse begin to manifest anger, negativity, toxicity, irresponsibility and recklessness by simply being in proximity of a narcissist for long periods of time.

You are what you eat and you become who you sleep with. Most narcissistic abuse victims don’t become full fledge narcissist but they do start to exhibit highly negative qualities that they tried to overcome at one point in their life, but the narcissist conjures up and brings those qualities back to the surface.

images

For example, if you were once a cigarette smoker and had an unhealthy diet, being with a narcissist will make you want to go back to bad habits you overcame. You may begin eating unhealthy foods again, smoking cigarettes and neglecting your gym membership because the narcissist will stress you out to the point of depression and hopelessness.

Most victims of narcissistic abuse will cling to any form of comfort they can to cope with their abuse regardless of how unhealthy that source of comfort may be. 

Depression takes individuals away from the hobbies and activities that once made them happy.  From there on out, the victim of narcissistic abuse will begin to see their life spiral downward into hopelessness and despair.

The narcissist will mock your weaknesses. If they find a chink in your armor they will continually poke at it until you snap and lose control.

When the narcissist can provoke the victim into reacting angrily and emotionally, they begin to play the victim like a puppet on a string.

The narcissist wishes to strip the victim of their good qualities and virtues so that they can bring out the absolute worst in their partner. Once that is accomplished and the victim is an emotionally reactive, angry and out of control… the narcissist will begin a smear campaign painting his partner as the crazy villain while they play the victim role.

Don’t let it go that far. Get Out!

By Janell Hihi Copyright@2018

Advertisements

The Number 1 Reason You Can’t Get Over Him

GetOverItImage

Regardless if you were in a relationship with a narcissist or not, if you’re grieving beyond a reasonable time frame – you invested too much into the relationship.

It’s easy to place all the blame on a narcissist and their so-called abusive behavior. It’s an entire other issue to avoid acknowledging that perhaps you invested too much time, energy, money or emotion into that relationship.

When one person gives too much, the scale is left unbalanced. The person who did the most feels extremely slighted when the relationship ends.

The individual that gives more to others then they give to themselves will always have a very difficult time getting over an ex. The resentment developed from feeling like you wasted time, energy and resources on a man that you could of invested in yourself triggers anger that is hard to resolve.

This is why we must always put ourselves first. Otherwise, we’ll put unrealistic demands on our partners to satisfy needs they aren’t required to that would make us feel happy and secure about ourselves.

Believe it or not, the bigger an individuals ego, the harder it will be to get over heartache and pain.

The ego has a difficult time accepting that a relationship didn’t work out because the ego believes that the self is perfect and anyone who doesn’t recognize that perfection by expressing disinterest is held captive in the victims mind like a hostage.

Letting go of someone who hurt you shouldn’t feel like you’re giving them a pass. If it does, check your ego at the door. No one is above getting hurt, being betrayed or deceived. A mentally mature person not overly identified with the ego doesn’t allow heartbreak to change how they feel about themselves.

Self-esteem should not waver from high to low based on whether or not a man decides to leave or stay.

Getting over an ex first requires you to get over yourself.

Nothing annoys me more when I hear women say, “I can’t believe he hurt me.” I always ask them why they can’t believe it?

After a long pause, most women reply by stating how many guys are waiting to date them, how often they get asked out, some even point out how much money they make or their social status as if it’s impossible just because they model part-time that any guy would think of leaving them or cheating on them.

My favorite answer is “I gave him everything!” If you give him everything, you gave too much. Keep some of yourself for yourself and the next time a relationship ends letting go will be a lot easier.

By Janell Hihi @Copyright 2018

 

 

 

To The Women Who is Afraid to Appear Needy

hello-my-name-is

I had a conversation with a friend a few days ago who hadn’t heard from a guy she’s been dating in a few days. Apparently, sometimes they go days without communicating.

They’d been dating for 2 months and she becomes anxious because she really likes the guy but she is unsure about where the relationship is going because her expectation is they should be communicating more as they get to know each other, not less.

I asked her why she wouldn’t just take the initiative and contact him instead of just passively accepting the dead silence. She said she doesn’t want to initiate communication because she doesn’t want to come off as being needy.

The desire to communicate with a man you’re dating once a day is not coming off as needy by any means.

Daily communication is not the same as demanding he put a ring on your finger. It’s quite basic. And if you’re the type of women who is afraid to come off a certain way and that prevents you from asking for what you want or communicating… Insecurity is your issue and it needs to be addressed.

It’s important to want what you want unapologetically. Men respect that. This doesn’t mean you should be desperate, it means that you can pick up the phone and say “Hey, what’s up, I miss u.”

Regardless if you get a reciprocating reply or ignored, you wanted to communicate, so you did.

Trying to control a man’s perception of you is impossible. In addition, perception control is a narcissistic characteristic.

If you’re afraid of coming off as needy, you’re really just afraid of expressing how you truly feel. How you truly feel is authenticity which is the seed for growth in relationships.

By Janell Hihi Copyright@2018

The One Phrase Narcissist Say That Gives Them Away

Woman-Listening-to-a-man

Selfish narcissistic men always speak in terms of what benefits YOU can provide to THEM.

The sense of entitlement the narcissistic wears like the smirk across his sadistic face compels him to believe that he is the prize and the women trying to win his heart must work to earn his love.

In his mind, he is the prize.

The same is true with narcissistic women. She believes her very presence earns her the right to be worshipped!

The one phrase narcissistic men always say that gives them away is, “So, do you cook and clean for your man?”

Narcissist want all the benefits with the least amount of commitment.

No man on earth determines whether he wants to be with a women based on how good she can mop a floor and cook chicken.

It’s utter bullshit that’s passed along the mainstream as something meaningful a women can provide a man. It’s a nice add on benefit but it won’t be the reason he puts a ring on it!

And beware of any man who puts an emphasis on a women cooking and cleaning because that’s a red flag that he’s a bit old fashioned and possibly abusive. If a women has any ambition besides baking a pie he’ll throw a grown man tantrum.

When the narcissist ask do you cook and clean?

A mentally healthy women would answer that question with the following statements:

“I just met you, I’d like to get to know you more before answering that. With all do respect, at this point that’s not relevant.”

Then she will proceed to change the subject and asking the narcissist what’s his favorite color.

You see, the narcissist will ask incredibly obnoxious questions on the very first date. It’s a part of their love bombing scam to appear really interested in you romantically as if it’s love at first sight.

At first it’s flattering but when you know the game, it’s hilarious. After you read my upcoming book How to Defeat a Narcissist you’ll be well equipped to handle every interaction you have with a narcissist.

A domesticated women the narcissist doesn’t have to marry is the perfect prize to him.

If for some reason he does get married, he will definitely push a prenuptial agreement even if he makes less then his fiancé. Narcissist are afraid to be vulnerable and fully give themselves to another. The possibility of a women receiving half of his crumbs is unbearable to the narcissist. Although they work hard to play the loving and romantic boyfriend role. It’s all an act! The narcissist shows his true face when it’s time to get down to business and sign paperwork.

The number one question narcissistic women ask without any commitment to being in a relationship with a man is “My car note is due next week, I need help paying it. Can you help me please?”

Narcissist want benefits as soon as they bless you with their presence! A debt is owed from you to them whenever they answer your text, show up for a date or laugh at your jokes.

“We are to give (and take) true love without falling into the narcissistic habit of only trying to take it in.”

By Janell Hihi @copyright 2018

Narcissist Never Leave. They Linger Around: They are Neither Here Nor There.

Narcissist can’t leave their supply unless they have a plan B on the sidelines that will be a smooth transition for them to enter once they leave their main partner or their partner leaves them.

As soon as the narcissist realizes that his main supply (his current girlfriend) no longer believes the illusion of who he pretends to be, the narcissist will start looking for replacement supply.

As I mention in my upcoming book, How to Defeat a Narcissist, the narcissist is very intuitive and they know when their partner is contemplating leaving them for good.

23192126_10210135430012789_1594332782_o

Instead of working through those problems narcissist only have one solution in their limited mental arsenal. That solution is to leave the problems unsolved and leave you by replacing you with someone else.

Working through relationship problems with a narcissist is impossible. This is because they deny the issues exist in the first place.

Typically what occurs is the narcissist begins to seek out a new partner who is very similar to their current partner to avoid grieving the relationship once it inevitably ends. The narcissist hopes that the new partner will accept their abuse without questioning or criticizing them.

Narcissist want obedience and submission, not love. They don’t want anything or anyone around them that challenges them to grow!

This is exactly why narcissist fail to learn from their mistakes. They are maladaptive. Narcissist never give themselves time to heal from a break up. They immediately jump into another relationship to avoid pain.

The toxic relationship that narcissist have with pain compels them to avoid it. Unfortunately, narcissist lack the ability to accept pain and heartache as a natural part of life that every human being must endure.

Narcissist never endure, they only AVOID. 

Narcissist avoid anything and everything that is difficult to bear that normal, and mentally healthy individuals are able to get through and learn from. 

Narcissist are seeking new sources of supply the minute you begin to challenge them, question them, or call them out on their behavior.

Calling a narcissist out on their behavior and not taking responsibility for their behavior, makes them accountable for what they say and do.

Narcissist never want to be accountable. The minute their partner demands their accountability the narcissist mask begins to crack and their illusion is threatened.

Narcissist don’t want a real relationship that challenges them to be a a better person. They want a perception, a facade, an appearance of real love. To appear in love is better then actually being in love to a narcissist

Everything is just for show. The minute you crack their false persona is the minute the process of replacing you begins. They seek out replacement supply desperately, and passionately. They put all their energy into finding a person to replace their current partner behind their back.

As soon as they find a new victim and secure them, they discard their partner in a way that relives them of commitment but still gives them access to their old partner at their convenience. Therefore, the narcissist never completely leaves. He stays in the background so that he can still have access to you.

Example, my narcissistic ex would break up with me but still want to be friends with benefits. He would say, “I will always love you but a relationship is too much for me right now, I need to be alone. I still have needs and since you’re the last person I had sex with, I’d like to continue having sex with just you.”

It’s a sugarcoated way of demoting his partner to a booty call while he builds a strong relationship with his new supply.

They will seek out a person who looks like you, who has a similar personality, even a similar looking child… it’s eerie and weird. They want to continue where they left of at so that they avoid grieving you. It’s a twisted cycle of illusion and avoidance.

The narcissist will never completely leave you. He needs you as side supply to gratify his enormous ego when his new supply disappoints him.

Another example is my narcissistic exes would text or email me randomly when I haven’t heard from them in months or even years. Basically, when the narcissist experiences issues in their current relationships, they reach out to exes for ego strokes.

Instead of dealing with the issues in their current relationship they reach out to exes or look for new supply instead. What results is a multitude of unresolved issues that pile up to the point that the narcissist or their partner eventually leaves. This is the end result of mostly all the narcissist relationships.

Everything about the narcissist is UNRESOLVED. Whether it’s issues with their childhood, their parents, untreated abuse, past relationships, addiction, etc.,

The narcissist wants to put you in his bottomless vortex of unresolved issues so that you remain stuck and unable to completely remove yourself from the narcissist’s trap. GET OUT. The narcissist won’t ever fully leave you. It is up to you to cut the narcissist off for good.

By Janell Hihi @Copyright 2018

How to Get Over a Narcissist Fast: Why Victim’s of Narcissistic Abuse Must Learn to Be More Narcissistic

Hey, if you’re reading this I know you may be feeling hurt, stuck, and focused on the pain inflicted onto you by narcissistic abuse.

From a survivor, I write this article to tell you that it’s time to let go. It’s time to be grateful, not sad!

The ending of a relationship with a narcissist means that at one point in your life you matched his frequency.  A frequency that allowed you to believe that you didn’t deserve real love.

However, now that it’s over, you leveled up. You outgrew the narcissist and a toxic relationship.

Congratulations!

You’re smarter. You’re better. It happened and now it’s over!

I’M GIVING YOU PERMISSION TO MOVE ON!

Stop licking your wounds. You greived. You’re healed, and your life is waiting for you to live again.

The best medicine is to push forward and focus on what you want rather then what you think you lost.

Challenge yourself. Do things you’re afraid of. Go on adventures, meet new people, join clubs, organizations, take up a new hobby.

Being brave and trying new things completely renews your spirit. It also places you in the energy frequency of bravery and confidence.

Ultimately, regardless of who hurts us, our lives come to down to what we allow ourselves to experience.

If you continue to greive well after the 6-12 months it typically takes to get over a narcissist, you are choosing to stay stuck in the past and in the pain.

You see, the narcissist knows there are more fish in the sea. They know they can move on and find someone new. You, however, still feel slighted and afraid to love and trust again.

Coming Soon!

23192126_10210135430012789_1594332782_o

And I know your mad, asking yourself how they could move on so fast? It’s really not that hard if your optimistic about your own future. Victims are narcissistic abuse get angry because they can’t move on but the narcissist can.

It’s not the narcissist fault that you think you can’t do any better.

I urge you to step out of the frequency of pain.

You will continue to attract narcissist and toxic people into your life if you contunously focus on the bad relationship you had with a narcissist.

What you focus on GROWS.

It’s a viscous cycle when a person chooses to stay focused on a narcissist well after the relationship has ended.

It’s obsession. You think, “Oh, the narcissist hurt me so bad it’s going to take me a very long time to recover. I’m traumatized.”

It is what you tell yourself it is! Negative self talk is you doing the narcissist work for him!

No wonder he’s discarded you. He knows you’ll self sabotage and he can move on to new supply now. Obvioulsy his work is done.

Of course you want to blame the narcissist because they did horrible things to you. However, the narcissist doesn’t care if you blame them. You don’t matter to them nor does your hurt or pain.

They move on like you never existed and you need to learn from them in that regard.

The narcissist is not forcing you to stay stuck in pain. They have a new source of supply. Staying stuck is your choice and it means you need to re-adjust your focus.

The narcissist is doing good! They are not looking back. Unless they need a temporary ego boost, then they may send you a late night text or random email looking for an ego stroke.

Regardless if the narcissist is deserving or not. They are going after the life they want and the people who will get them closer to it. Are you? 

Narcissist move on because they’re narcissism gives them the confidence to believe that they can get on with their lives and bad relationships will never hold them back!

Victims of narcissistic abuse focuses on how the narcissist is moving forward with their life and the victim perceives his new supply as something he doesn’t deserve. The victim repeatedly thinks to themselves, “It’s not fair!”

The narcissist deserves his new supply because he believes he does. New supply does not mean the narcissist is doing better but it is perceived by the victim that he is.

Our perception of the narcissist moving on and being happier without us is outweighing the reality that the narcissist may not be happy at all.

Carefully observe your own perceptions because you may be deceiving yourself. What we tell ourselves about a narcissist is more damaging then the reality of who the narcissist actually is.

If you find yourself focused on a past relationship with a narcissist there may be codependency issues preventing you from thriving forward and enjoying your life.

That goes beyond the narcissistic abuse you experienced in a relationship. There is an underlying persistent pessimism and an inability to take control of your thoughts, and refocus your life!

Think about other times, before the relationship with the narcissist when you fail to take the wheel and drive. Are you too passive? Do you overly invest in other people and not yourself? 

It’s time to confess that you had an unhealthy amount of your happiness invested in the relationship with the narcissist. It’s also time to forgive yourself for that.

Codependnecy and narcisism is two different sides of the same coin. Narcissism and codependcy are both extremes.

To become a balanced individual if a past narcissistic relationship is stopping you from thriving forward in your life, you should become more narcissistic.

There is a such thing as being too empathetic and too concerned with others. It’s a distraction from focusing on yourself. Narcissist focus on themselves. This is how they win. This is why you don’t understand about them. This is why we all hate them.

Hyper focus on yourself and your own needs and desires. Put yourself first. Be selfish. Then observe how what you focus on magically manifests in your life.

Try to accomplish a happy medium between the two extremes of narcissim and codependency. Press forward, dress to kill, approach men you like and ask them out, bungee jump, apply for the job you always wanted, only say yes when you mean it and stay in the present moment.

The past is a prison.

LIVE. YOUR. LIFE.

The narcissist is living his! Learn from him. If you think you didn’t have anything to learn from a narcissist, you may be a narcissist!

Narcissist believe that they know it all and they’re is nothing else left to learn. This is why they’re emotional intelligence is that of a 5 year old.

It’s okay to learn about narcissism and how to recognize abuse. However, it is more essential to learn why you allowed it and how you will heal that deficiency within yourself. That is how you take back your power.

Ask yourself this question: What was the purpose of the relationship with the narcissist? And what was your number 1 lesson?

Make the experience with the narcissist about YOU. Not about the narcissist. Not about what you believe he took from you.

I own my mistakes. Especially when it comes to getting what I want and living a life that serves my purpose.

Focus on what you want in life, not what the narcissist didn’t give you!

My book is coming soon. Stay tuned! This is a game changer. Extensive research coming from my own soul, psychologist, and spiritual leaders. Unique perspective on narcissism from a mind, body and soul perspective!

23222967_10210135429252770_33352624_o

Subscribe to My Mailing List to stay up to date!

By Janell Hihi @copyright 2018

How The Narcissist Subtly Chips Away at Your Self-Esteem.

3551_10
Narcissist Possess an Uncanny ability to make their victims completely lose themselves.

Narcissist laugh at their partners under their breath in a very subtle in cunning way to slowly but surely, chip away their partners self-esteem.

Narcissist are skilled sculptors who carve away at their partners sense of self to mold them into a smaller, co-dependent and insignificant figurine.

The narcissist wants their victim to turn on themselves. They want their partners to lower their expectations, discard their personal boundaries and throw away their values in order to be in a relationship with them.

The only way to defeat a narcissist is to stick with your values and never lower your expectations or boundaries to accommodate the narcissist desires. Narcissist stand no chance with individuals who are grounded in self-love and self-respect.

Believe it or not, the narcissist does not want to destroy you. The narcissist wants you to destroy YOURSELF!

The narcissist highest goal is to be a masterful manipulator to the point where they abuse you in such a subtle way that you have no idea what’s going on. Nor does anybody else around them.

Narcissist are NOT confrontational. They are cowards and they never want to get to the real issues. They revel behind your back and smile in your face by simultaneously complimenting you and low-key insulting you at the same time!

Of course, when they’re with friends and family and their partner is not around, the narcissist will talk very badly about their partner in a joking way to disguise their inner hatred and turmoil they feel toward their partner.

Basically, the narcissist significant other is always the brunt of the narcissist low-key insulting jokes.

maxresdefault.jpg

The number one characteristic that narcissist like to attack is their partners level of intelligence.

I dated a narcissist who spoke very badly about his baby mamas. Of course, he had more then one.

His most recent baby momma he would refer to as an airhead with no education. He would joke about things she would do as a new mother that made her appear to lack common sense.

It was alarming how quickly he would say terrible things about her character referring to her as sexually promiscuous, not very intelligent and irresponsible. Then, in the very next instant he would say how much he once loved her and how badly she hurt him.

Nothing the narcissist says makes any sense whatsoever. This is part of the plan to keep the victim stuck in a perpetual state of confusion.

My ex would also constantly put down his ex wife who has a child with him and refer to her as ghetto and weird because of her personal style.

Once his ex wife called, while I was with him and she asked him if he knows anyone who can fix her car and he said to her, “No, that’s not my problem. Why are you calling me?!” Then he hung up on her. Mind you, his best friend is a co-owner at a auto shop.

I thought to myself, how could he be so nice to me and so rude and disrespectful to the mothers of his children? Obviously, he made me feel like I was better than them and he would never talk to me that way. Boy, was I naive!

Of course, with all those glaring red flags, I stuck around because I didn’t want to deal with tending to my own issues which is why I choose to be in a relationship instead of rebuilding my life after divorce.

That’s another blog.

Narcissist will show you how they will treat you after the honeymoon phase by showing you how they treat others around them.

Look at how they treat strangers asking for directions, waiters, their parents, and the mother of their child.

Watch their tone, their body language and the cruel and lifeless look in their eyes.

As I watched my ex talk badly about how stupid his ex girlfriend was, I immediately noticed how he got off on it.

Narcissist need to feel superior to their partners at all times.

First the narcissist indirectly insults their partner with sarcasm disguised as humor.

They will make undermining comments about their partners intelligence, weight, personal style, occupation, family and even their child.

The narcissist will sometimes directly insult their partner but that is very rare. The narcissist wants to plant the seed of self-doubt and insanity within their partner.

It’s far more convincing if the victim starts believing that they are stupid, crazy and irresponsible rather than the narcissist directly telling them to their face.

Narcissist plant seeds. Most narcissist never directly criticize or verbally insult their significant others. However, there is exceptions if or when they go into narcissist rage.

It’s important to understand that the narcissist vets out narcissistic supply by choosing a partner who they feel is “less than” them. Or, by choosing a partner who they believe they can easily break down.

They prefer partners who make less money, are less educated or significantly younger so that they can instill in the younger partner that they are inferior because of their age and/or maturity.

The narcissist will do whatever it takes to feel more significant in the relationship. I found it very difficult to tell my ex about the things that were happening in my life because I feared he would judge and criticize me like he did with his ex girlfriends.

Narcissist judge others harshly while their own life is falling apart.

Of course, narcissist can be hiding assets in storage, avoiding financial ruin, filing bankruptcy and foreclosed on 3 different properties but somehow, they can still muster up the words to judge other people harshly.

You would think because they are so critical, they’re lives must be perfect. That is so far from the truth.

I remember when I first met my narcissistic ex, it seems he could do no wrong and he’d never try to make me feel bad about myself because he constantly swooned me with compliments.

I got a wake up call when suddenly I started waking up in the middle of the night with panic attacks and he had the audacity to tell me, he didn’t want to be with a girl who had panic attacks.

He said he wanted to be with a “healthy girl.”

I was so hurt and confused because this man was on 3 different anti-depressant medications and I accepted the fact that he would probably be on anti-depressants for the rest of his life to treat his depression.

However, when one little medical issue appeared with me, he was ready to leave the relationship.

Who the narcissist is, and who he thinks he is, remains a stagnating self-delusion. 

It turns out, all the stress of dealing with my ex narcissist from our on and off again relationship activated my Graves Disease which was doormat for years. My hyperthyroid gave me panic attacks in the middle of the night. When I left him, it only took 3 weeks for my panic attacks to completely subside.

I’d rather have a man beat me to a pole, then chip away at my soul like the vampiric narcissist does so well. 

If you stick around long enough without appearing completely destroyed by the narcissist, he will start to beat you down physically and mentally. It’s best to play dead and get out before it get’s to that point.

It’s important to remember the narcissist move in a subtle way to subconsciously manipulate you into destroying yourself so that he doesn’t has to. That way, he can continue to tell everyone, “She’s crazy.”

Listen to that little voice of reason that whispers to you, “Something is NOT right about this person.” Then Run for your life!

By Janell Hihi @Copyright 2018

Narcissist Perfect The Act of Sex to Get Their Victim Addicted

Narcissist use everything as a weapon. Spirituality, religion, their family, their children and their friends.

There’s no wonder they use sex as a weapon to ensure their victim is physically addicted to the experience.

Narcissist do everything in bed and they do it with precision and passion. Of course, if their victim is sexually addicted, it will be very difficult for the victim to leave the narcissist.

The narcissist will be very abusive after the honeymoon phase of the relationship and may even withhold sex a punishment right along with the silent treatment.

The narcissist know that the victim is addicted to the sex so the narcissist justifies their abusive behavior by referring to how great the sex is despite all the issues the relationship is plagued with.

The narcissist will use sexual chemistry as a reason the two of you should stay together because the type of chemistry that the two of you have is hard to find.

This is bullshit of course, but it’s an awfully convincing justification when the victim considers the euphoria of great sex in contrast with the abusive, one-sided relationship.

Great sex plus bad relationship equals lack of fulfillment in the end despite how hard the narcissist tries to convince the victim otherwise.

Learn more in my upcoming book How to Defeat a Narcissist Available March 5, 2018

janellh22_a5b.png

By Janell HIhi @Copright2018

Do You Love The Narcissist or Are You Addicted to Him?

differences_of_substance_abuse_versus_addiction-500x383

Is it love or addiction?

This is the question I often ask myself when I am staring down a dark chocolate truffle before I devour it.

Many singers, poets and writers would say love and addiction is the same thing. However, I highly disagree!

Addiction is an obsession to a desired outcome that is unrealistic. It’s a fantasy-like train of thought that distorts our reality.

According to Psychology Today ” Sex and love addiction are so commonly bonded that there is a 12-step support group for the combination: Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA). Both love addiction and sex addiction are often viewed as disorders of intimacy.”

What we are addicted to is irrelevant but the fact that we may have addictive personality traits is what’s cause for concern.

Loving a narcissist is addictive because the effect they have on the human brain, psyche and soul of their victim fluctuates from the highest of highs and the lowest of lows just as heroine, cocaine and opioids do.

The rollercoaster ride of high adrenaline and the blunt blow of the fall riddled with low serotonin levels which are often attributed to anxiety, depression, panic attacks, insomnia, obesity, fibromyalgia, eating disorders, chronic pain, migraines, and alcohol abuse. Negative thoughts, low self-esteem, obsessive thoughts and behaviors, PMS, and Irritable Bowel Syndrome are also symptoms of low serotonin.

The highs are like no other, it feels like the best love, heaven-sent, breath-taking sex, endless orgasms, charm, compliments, gifts, attention and emotional availability.

love-addiction-versus-sex-addiction-1

A relationship with a narcissist is like an addiction to a drug because it’s nothing but consecutive highs and lows.

There is never a feeling of calmness, stability and consistency. It’s one drastic extreme to the next.

And just like a drug, it is extremely difficult to get over a narcissist once they discard you! Withdrawal is real. A support group and a team of loving friends and family members is needed to help you get through the struggle of withdrawal without relapsing.

Your body and soul gets so accustomed to the highs and the lows that it can no longer fathom or adapt to stability, calmness and peace of mind.

It can take months or years to re-stabilize after narcissistic abuse. It depends on how long the relationship was and how severe the abuse was.

I suffered from anxiety attacks out of the blue a few years back because I developed minor post traumatic stress disorder for being in two consecutive relationships with narcissist back to back. I left my narcissistic husband only to later get involved in another covert narcissistic relationship.

My recovery took years. And that’s okay. At the time I left my ex husband I did not know what the difference between covert and overt narcissist was so I fell prey to an opportunistic, manic-depressive, covert narcissist.

I didn’t know I was addicted to the drastic highs and lows. I left one, just to get a hit of another. My ex would break up with me out of the blue or when he didn’t get his way and it would hurt me to the core.

Then, out of the blue he would get back together with me professing his undying love. It was like he would create a catastrophe then come in out of the blue as a hero and save me from the pain he caused.

This is why the narcissist simultaneously switches from villain to hero. Similar to how drug companies make up illnesses and then create a medication that supposedly cures the illness but the side effects are more deadly then the illness itself.

I would look ridiculous when he would break up with me out of the blue. It would be after we went out with friends or to dinner or days after a minor disagreement. I would plead with him to reconsider. I felt ashamed and embarrassed that suddenly he could switch off his feelings like a light switch and just leave.

white-drug-addicts

I felt like I cared too much. It was confusing and I was often shocked. 

The shock is what kept me hooked and coming back for more. I wasn’t in love. I was addicted!

Listen to Rihanna and Justin Timberlake song “Rehab” 

According to an article written by The Ranch, below is a list of all the signs that you may be addicted to love:

Typical signs of love addiction include:

  • Mistaking intense sexual experiences and new romantic excitement for love
  • Constantly craving and searching for a romantic relationship
  • When in a relationship, being desperate to please and fearful of the other’s unhappiness
  • When not in a relationship, feeling desperate and alone
  • Inability to maintain an intimate relationship once the newness and excitement have worn off
  • Finding it unbearable or emotionally difficult to be alone
  • When not in a relationship, compulsively using sex and fantasy to fill the loneliness
  • Choosing partners who are emotionally unavailable and/or verbally or physically abusive
  • Choosing partners who demand a great deal of attention and caretaking but who do not meet, or even try to meet, your emotional or physical needs
  • Participating in activities that don’t interest you or go against your personal values in order to keep or please a partner
  • Giving up important interests, beliefs, or friendships to maximize time in the relationship or to please a romantic partner
  • Using sex, seduction, and manipulation (guilt/shame) to “hook” or hold on to a partner
  • Using sex or romantic intensity to tolerate difficult experiences or emotions
  • Missing out on important family, career, or social experiences to search for a romantic or sexual relationship
  • Using anonymous sex, porn, or compulsive masturbation to avoid “needing” someone, thereby avoiding all relationships
  • Finding it difficult or impossible to leave unhealthy or abusive relationships despite repeated promises to oneself or others to do so
  • Repeatedly returning to previously unmanageable or painful relationships despite promises to oneself or others to not do so

I can’t stress how important it is to heal from narcissistic abuse before re-entering the dating game otherwise you will attract another narcissist who is more covert, manipulative and deceiving.

Treat your break up with a narcissist like you are entering rehab for drug abuse and I promise you, the healing will be more efficient and expedient.

You don’t love the narcissist. You are addicted. Is addiction stronger than love? Yes, because it disguises itself as love and locks the brain and the heart into a state of perpetual confusion.

Sincerely,

Janell Hihi copyright@2018

Can Narcissist Stay In Longterm Relationships?

narc

The short answer is “Yes!”

Narcissist will stay with women who continually accept their abuse by denying it and making excuses for it.

As long as the narcissist is getting a steady source of quality narcissistic supply, he can maintain relationships that last decades.

The ideal victim who the narcissist will choose to be in longterm relationship with must never question him, never criticize him and never, ever call out his false self.

Narcissist need their partners to help them maintain their grandiose sense of self by continually complementing them, obeying them and trusting their every word.

The minute you question, criticize or investigate shady behavior from your narcissistic partner is the moment you are disregarded as longterm relationship material to the narcissist.

If you’re not robotic, overly optimistic, degradingly submissive and compliant, the relationship will last a few months to a year at the longest.

This doesn’t mean you’re not good relationship material.

This means you have a healthy level of self-esteem and self-respect that you leave when love is no longer being served.

As long as you understand that it’s his way or the highway, you can maintain a longterm relationship with a narcissist!

Child-Custody-and-Narcissistic-Parent-in-ArizonaFILEminimizer

A great way to gauge your level of self-esteem is how fast you are able to recognize narcissistic and toxic relationships and how fast you are able to leave them!

Never look at a relationship and assume because a couple was together 12 years, they must have a very strong bond. It’s safe to assume they’ve been through a lot together. However, it is not okay to assume that relationship is healthy or has allowed each partner to grow into a better person.

It’s important to remember when considering the longevity of narcissistic relationships that it’s the quality of the relationship not the quantity of the years the narcissist stayed in the relationship.

In fact, most narcissist never leave a good source of supply. Usually what happens is the codependent partner realizes they are in an abusive relationship and they finally gather the courage to leave the narcissist for good.

The narcissist will stay in play forever, if the victim allows them to . Narcissist favorite line to manipulate their victims to stay with them is:

“We’ve been together all these years, and we’ve been through so much, and you’re just gonna leave?”

The number of years we are in a relationship is no reason to stay in that relationship. It is the quality of those years that determines whether or not we should stay.

Ten years of being with a man in an off again and on again relationship is not ten years of love, loyalty and respect. Instead, it’s ten years of chaos, instability and inconsistency.

The length of time a man stays with a women does not determine how much he loves her. She could be a safe option, a convenience, a financial resource, or an opportunity for a better life.

She could also be a punching bag he can take out all his frustrations on because she is so lost and codependent, the fear of being alone is worse then being in an abusive relationship.

Narcissist often provoke arguments and fights and then blame the victim for being a nag or a drama queen.

As long as you can live your life constantly being labeled a drama queen and accepting your narcissistic partner as the victim of your alleged paranoia, insecurity and jealousy… you will be able to maintain a longterm relationship with a narcissist.

If you’re reading this because you left a narcissist before you could define the relationship as long-term, good for you!

If you’re reading this wondering how your narcissistic ex lover is in a longterm relationship with another women, remember it’s the women who determines how long she will tolerate narcissistic abuse.

Better her then you!

You’re worth is not determined by how long your relationships last. It’s determined by your ability to walk away from abusive and toxic relationships.

By Janell Hihi @Copyright 2018