“My love is toxic and you’re suicidal.”
― Ahmed Mostafa
Sadomasochism is one of the many pervasive pathologies that plagues narcissistic relationships.
Sadomasochism is about power and control. The sexual context in which it is widely known as only scratches the surface of its complex psychological makeup. In this article as it pertains to narcissistic abuse, emotional sadomasochism is the focus.
Sadism is giving pain and Masochism is receiving pain. The narcissist is considered somewhat of an emotional sadist. The victim of narcissistic abuse is the masochist.
Narcissist are both sadist and masochist.
Narcissist torture with a goal in mind unlike pure sadist who have no goal in mind except pure pleasure. Once the narcissist reaches their goal they leave the target and move on to the next.
The goal is to create the same emotional turmoil within their target that they possess within themselves. Narcissists mentally, verbally and sometimes physically abuse their target to the point that their victim is violent, self-neglecting and chronically depressed. Therefore, the narcissist doesn’t have to inflict those emotions onto them anymore because their victim is now self-sabotaging. It’s as if the narcissist is a virus ready to infect vulnerable software that doesn’t have firewalls.
A firewall is just another word for boundaries. It’s having the ability to detect malignant activity and block it from entering your dominion.
The narcissist makes his victim their own worst enemy.
If a narcissist dumps you (discards you) it means you have now taken the role to hurt yourself so they don’t have to continue hurting you. The narcissist Mission is accomplished! If you’re a masochist, you will gladly take the torch and continue to think and act in a self-defeating manner well after the narcissist leaves you.
You know you’re an emotional masochist if you find caring and loving people less sexually attractive. This falls in line with many women’s desire to lust after the Bad Boy.
Many women I’ve coached hyper focus on sexual chemistry with their narcissistic partner while purposely blinding themselves of the character flaws of their partner. They say mentally weak statements such as “But I can’t leave, the sex is too good!” Unaware that they are making themselves an object of sexual gratification rather than a women worthy of love, respect and fulfilling relationships.
Accepting the sadism and masochism dynamic of narcissistic relationships requires both the victim and the narcissist to recognize their contribution to the dysfunction of their relationship. If I could describe it as a dance it would be The Tango. And we all know… It takes TWO to tangle.
I’ve had endless consultations in the past with women who claim to be victims of narcissistic abuse but deny their willingness to be in abusive relationships as a pathology. The common narrative most victims of narcissistic abuse believe is the helpless ideology that you cannot help who you fall in love with.
Harley Quinn: Have you ever loved someone you knew was wrong for you? Someone who hurt you over and over again but you could forgive them because losing them would hurt even more?
― Tom Taylor, Injustice: Gods Among Us, Vol. 1
Is constantly feeling pain and anxiety a sense of comfort and familiarity to you?
In most cases, I’ve come to the conclusion that most victims of narcissistic abuse possess a deep subconscious desire to be punished and as a result they subconsciously maintain a lifestyle of perpetual pain, abuse, betrayal and drama. The codependent masochist’s subliminal need to feel pain is an addiction.
A great example is Ike & Tina Turner’s relationship.
Tina was from a small town and grew up with a demanding, cruel and dominant mother who was very controlling and materialistic. That environment of toxicity and control was Tina’s comfort and familiarity. She was accustomed to taking a submissive and subservient role as a child.
When Ike Turner laid eyes on Tina, his pervasive Sadist personality was drawn to her innocent, fragile, demeanor along with her compliance to be controlled. Tina’s mother already trained her to be controlled which made Ike’s job very easy.
Ike and Tina’s mother or (Caregiver) were very much alike and built an alliance together to profit off of Tina’s masochism solely for their benefit.
There’s a saying that narcissist hunt in packs like wolves. Most victims of narcissistic abuse are targeted all at once from narcissistic in their family, at work and school.
Narcissist target individuals who will allow mistreatment and abuse. They don’t see these individuals as nice, sweet, caring and compassionate. They see them as stupid, naive and weak.
The funny thing is, women in relationships with narcissist always ask “Why doesn’t he respect me? I am loyal and I do everything he asks me to do.” That’s exactly why he doesn’t respect you. Mostly, because you don’t know the difference between being loyal and being a doormat.
Would TinaTurner classify herself as a masochist? No. Her addiction to be controlled is insidious, subconscious and a form of environmental programming.
We’re programmed for suffering, not joy. The masochism is built in at a very early age. You’re supposed to work and suffer – and the trouble is: you believe it.
― Erica Jong, Fear of Flying
All addicts deny their addiction. Thus, the cycle continues. If you’re reading this shaking your head, it’s okay. I’ve been there, done that! Untreated mental masochism and codependency will take the victim of narcissistic abuse from one toxic relationship to the next. The victim will feel like they are too nice, they love too hard, their an empath that attracts narcissist. Or worse, they are cursed with bad luck in love. Never will they consider that they’re comfortable living in toxicity.
Some people literally cut their wrist to feel pain. However, others enter relationships that they know will bring them pain and suffering despite their being better options available. For example:
1.) Women who decide to date married men hoping one day he will leave his wife.
2.) Women who continue to pursue relationships with men who tell them they are not interested in a committed relationship but the masochist believes she can change his mind.
3.) Women who continue to date men who show blatant signs of mental, physical and emotionally abusive red flags.
4.) Women who agree to friends with benefits relationships but secretly want a committed relationship
5.) Women who willingly over sacrifice despite their partner not requiring them to and get angry when their unwarranted generosity is not reciprocated.
6.) Idealisation of their partner by overlooking their flaws and only focusing on their good qualities.
Each scenario is self-defeating, covert mechanisms of masochism.
Many women I’ve coached say self-defeating statements like “The narcissist destroyed me!” No one can destroy you unless they kill you and if that was the case you wouldn’t be on my phone line complaining.
The truth is, victims of narcissistic abuse subconsciously wish to experience pain and the narcissist wants to give pain. Both are trapped in the pain body vortex and that is the epitome of the relationship dynamic of sadomasochism.
Due to a mentally, emotionally or physically abusive upbringing both narcissist and victims of narcissistic abuse feel comfort and familiarity within relationships that mimic the abusive environment of their childhood. Genetics also play a part but I will emphasize more of the genetic aspect in my upcoming book How to Defeat a Narcissist.
Below is a list of the mental narrative victims of narcissistic abuse have on replay.
NEGATIVE CORE BELIEFS that (Masochist) Victims of Narcissistic Abuse Possess.
– “I will be loved as long as I submit to the will of others.” “If I assert my independence, I will be abandoned”
– “To get love, I must please others.” “I can never say no.”
– “I must never express my negativity.” “I will hurt myself to prevent others from hurting me.”
– “If I feel too much, I will explode.”
– “I am inferior and disgusting because of my negative feelings.”
– “Life is hard and suffering unavoidable.
The victim’s over emphasis of the narcissists abuse while denying their own willingness to participate in the relationship is evident. That in of itself makes them a narcissist too! Victims of narcissist abuse become obsessed with analyzing the narcissist mind without examining their own.
The true definition of the Victim Mentality is not crying over spilled milk. Victims of crimes and abuse should be encouraged to release their pain and testimony without judgement.
However, the victim mentality pertains to individuals who repeatedly enter toxic situations or relationships that will cause them harm. This is due to the fact that the perpetual victim needs to appoint a villain so they can maintain their position as a victim. In addition, they neglect to get the help they need whether it’s traditional therapy or alternative measures to heal their trauma and break the cycle.
All victims of abuse have the responsibility to get the help they need to heal. In fact, if they don’t their victim mentality transforms into a form of narcissism. Afterall, narcissism is the inability to see fault in oneself and take the necessary steps to change.
Masochist have an inability to let go of pain even years after a relationship ends.
Healing to a masochist is counterproductive and will take away their victim card. This is why they hold onto the pain years after their relationship with the narcissist ends. They use words like “He DISCARDED me.” The word Discard is a masochistic word to self-punish and validate their inner feelings of unworthiness.
The psychological community enables healing by injecting such disturbing words when describing narcissism which in of itself is an entirely new blog topic. As a result of repeating self-sabotaging words and phrases they plague themselves with negative, self-defeating thoughts that give them anxiety and depression while blaming it ALL on the narcissist.
It doesn’t make sense to leave the narcissist if you’re going to take them with you. Carrying pain is masochistic after the grieving process. It doesn’t take years to get over a narcissist. If it does, you’re coddling that pain. You like it!
The key to healing is examining what you tolerate not conducting endless research on why narcissists are abusive.
Knowledge is power, but knowledge of self is the ultimate power because it’s impossible to change a narcissist. Therefore, focusing on changing yourself to prevent entering toxic relationships by acknowledging your own free will is imperative to overcome emotional masochism. It’s an essential step that must be taken to defeat a narcissist.
A mantra I tell most of my clients to write, recite out loud and contemplate is…
“I choose who I love. Why did I choose my partner?”
The above statement followed by the question gives the victim back their power to choose.
If you’re ready to break the cycle of your subconscious addiction to pain I can help! Be sure to read my book to be released on Feb 5, 2019 (How to Defeat a Narcissist – Available on Amazon)
Book a customized coaching session today to get on the path of healing!
Narcissists don’t talk, or communicate: they fend off, hide and evade” Sam Vaknin
Narcissist are insidious manipulators. They can get under your skin by disguising insults, giving you compliments with sadistic smirks on their face, or suddenly start ignoring you for no reason.
The narcissist craves for you to ask them, “Why are you acting strange, what’s wrong?”
Just so they can reply with, “Nothing!” And a shoulder shrug to dismiss themselves before you start asking more questions.
Narcissist want unsolved problems to exist within their relationships because it fuels the toxic environment that will eventually strip away your virtues, your patience, and inner peace.
The narcissist wishes to keep their victim in an anxious state. They never want you to be able to calculate or predict their next attack on you.
If you are in a state of anxiety with a narcissist and can’t seem to find your way out of the fog, I have a solution.
Everything the narcissist says and does is bait to drag you down further into their inner hell.
Fight back with the 6 proven techniques below:
Remain Unreactive: Act as if you didn’t see what they did or hear what they said. Act completely oblivious. They may try harder to bait you for a reaction but keep acting as if you don’t notice and remain unbothered. To release your pain confide in a close friend or family member. Just don’t give the narc the satisfaction of seeing you sad.
Answer every question with a question: This will annoy anyone, especially a narcissist. If a narcissist asks you a demeaning question, never, ever, answer it. Ask them why they asked that question? Then ask them what answer do they expect? Then ask them what motivated them to ask the question? Then ask them why they are asking so many questions. But never, answer the original question. This way, the narcissist is stuck explaining why they asked you a question and you stay unengaged, and you don’t take the bait.
When the narcissist gives you the silent treatment write them letters. Write the letter very sloppy so they don’t understand a single word written. Leave some of the letters on sticky notes and stick them to the fridge or bathroom mirror. Sooner or later they will ask what the hell you wrote in the letter and shazam! The silent treatment is broken. If you don’t live with them, send them a letter in the mail with sloppy handwriting and keep quiet until they ask you about the letter. This works like a charm! If they still ignore you, ignore them back and focus on yourself. Catch up with your friends, hang out and keep posting all your fun pictures on social media. He will realize sooner rather than later the silent treatment isn’t going to work on you.
When they blatantly insult you reply with “Oh stop, you don’t even believe that.” Say it calmly and with a smile. Walk away from the confrontation or quickly change the topic to something more positive. Throw in a goal you just reached or even compliment them with how great they look. Another tactic to use when they verbally abuse you is to compliment them. Instead of insulting them back, give them a compliment for every insult they hurl at you. This will disarm them and throw them off balance. Say the compliments with a sincere loving tone and watch what happens! The narcissist will try harder or storm off to get away from you.
When the narcissist gaslights you and calls you crazy, respond by saying the most annoying questions of all times… “I know you are, but what am I?” If you follow the steps above, it should never get to the point where the narc is able to successfully gaslight you because you’re no longer taking their bait. You can also respond to them calling you crazy by saying, “You know, you’re right. In fact, I just booked an appointment with a psychologist and may get on some meds.” Then ask him what medications he thinks you should try and what mental conditions he thinks you may have… Manic depression? Bipolar? Extreme paranoia? Keep asking him his expert advice on your so-called mental issues as mockery. But act sincerely like you agree that you are crazy and need professional help. Go as far as really booking an appointment with a psychologist on the terms that he has to go to your appointments with you. Watch the reaction. Suddenly, you won’t be so crazy after all.
Never react and never get defensive. Disengage your emotions and respond to the narcissist with tact, strategy, and deflection. Never defend abuse, never explain yourself, always counterattack with clever techniques.
Try the 6 steps above and comment below to share your success story. This works! I’ve done it time and time again with narcissist family members and co-workers. If the narcissist becomes violent, seek help immediately. Leave and then contact the authorities.
Fight back against narcissist abuse by ultimately leaving the narcissist for good. Narcissist never change. It’s them, not you! Get out and do it fast!
The share of mothers who do not work outside the home rose to 29% in 2012, up from a modern-era low of 23% in 1999, according to a new Pew Research Center analysis of government data.
Stay at home mothers is on the rise again. Considering the cost of daycare, women are left with no other choice.
I recently hosted a baby shower for my niece and of course, when women get together, we talk! The conversation started out between me and two of my sisters, and as others overheard the topic, they began to chime in.
The dialogue was both informative and emotional. Complaints turned into tears and stories were shared among all women involved from various age groups. We were underappreciated, undervalued and disrespected at some point in our lives for being stay at home mothers.
It’s as if men can’t seem to make up their minds if they want miss independent or a caring stay at home mother who makes caring for her family and maintaining her home as her job.
We came to the conclusion that most men want both. We also came to the conclusion that we are trying to live up to that unrealistic fairytale and we are damn near killing ourselves in the process.
The real issue stems from beta males who marry women who are okay in traditional roles but secretly resent being the only provider in the household. Some men want 50/50 relationships that require women to pay half of the bills.
Alpha men honor stay at home mothers, beta males often abuse stay at home mothers. Men who honor being providers honor the women and children they are able to provide for.
Where do we draw the line?
The berated stay at home mom syndrome is a silent, insidious abuse that many women endure on a daily basis.
This type of abuse is a sensitive subject because in most cases, the financially dependent women who is at home taking care of the kids is afraid to speak out because her livelihood depends on it.
She knows if she speaks up or gets out of line, her man who keeps threatening to leave will actually leave. The fear of him leaving her out in the cold with no job or resources usually keeps her tongue in knots. Nothing silences a woman more than fear.
Some men use their financial power over stay at home mothers to abuse them. They do this by constantly pointing out that the stay at home mother has no job, therefore she has no say so, and no power to make any substantial decisions in the relationship.
Financial abuse is abuse, plain and simple. A man does not have to put his hands on you to abuse you. Instead, he can use his mind to manipulate you, shame you, and put you in a situation where you are continuously pregnant, at home and unable to work, just so he can berate you and blame you for being unemployed and not contributing “Financially.”
The mere act of a woman staying home to raise her children saves the family money instantly. Homemade meals, no daycare bills and decreased anxiety most working parents experience is more than a contribution within itself.
In this situation, the woman is essentially pregnant every other year of the relationship, ensuring that she will never have the chance to return to work. Depending on her earning power, with the birth of each child, the cost of childcare makes it impossible to return to work.
To really know a man’s character, depend on him for something and see how he reacts! Does he willingly help with entusiasm? Or is he reluctant and makes a comment about how much he loves “Independent” women?
Some men go so far as to call stay at home mothers lazy!
If you ever sat at home with an infant and a toddler, you would know that taking care of children 24/7 is the most exhausting work in the world.
When a stay at home mom wants to vent to you, give her your undivided attention and listen. Stay at home mom’s live with a guilt influenced by society but mainly the man who works day in, and day out, and comes home complaining that she doesn’t have a job.
Imagine being a woman and feeling guilty about staying home and raising your kids while your man is at work? Imagine feeling worthless for being a parent? Now imagine being called lazy for taking care of your children and running your own household?
Most stay at home moms suffering from financial abuse believe that they should feel “Lucky,” to have the privilege to stay at home despite the fact that they are being called lazy and living under highly critical and controlling circumstances.
They feel as if they don’t deserve to complain just because they are not working. This couldn’t be further from the truth. I keep hearing these women say, “Well, he works hard to provide for me so I can’t really complain when he get’s frustrated and yells at me.”
When abuse is justified by the victim, it’s very sad to listen to.
Beware of the man who NEVER appears to be satisfied.
Financially abusive men cannot comprehend the meaning of a partnership. Their understanding of a marriage is elementary. They believe building a life with someone is equivalent to finding a roommate in college. He believes what’s mines is mines and what’s yours is yours. This separatist ideology is the reason this type of man has a hard time maintaining relationships.
If a married man feels like his wife and kids are “living off of him,” he hasn’t quite grasped the concept that the “I” turns into a “We” when he decides to start a family.
The same man who complains that his wife is living off of him, is the same man who appears to be overly protective of his children. When the wife offers to update her resume’ and start looking for a job, all of a sudden her husband has a problem with daycares.
He asks, “Who will be taking care of my children while you’re at work? I don’t trust daycares!”
Of course, his confusing, contradicting demands leave her feeling hopeless and unable to find a solution to her husband’s incessant nagging and complaining.
To ensure that he maintains control over his wife, the financially abusive man will purposely get his wife pregnant again as soon as she starts to look for a job. This ensures that if she is offered a job, she will have to quit eventually when the baby is born or go on maternity leave.
“Every Penny Spent Is A Penny Tracked
Every penny, and I mean every penny must be accounted for when given to the woman in this relationship. If it cannot be accounted for then the emotional and even physical abuse ensues and consequences are handed out. This may involve being given less money for basic necessities or being forced to beg for money. The feeling of being trapped in the house with no money for gas, food or transportation is crippling and women in this type of relationship stick to this rule or they know they will suffer the consequences.” By Ginger Dean.
The stay at home mom lives in confusion and spends many sleepless nights lying awake trying to make sense of the endless contradictions. Her man was loving and supportive when he expressed his interest in building a big family together. He even told her he wants her to be the type of mother who raises her own kids. He wanted a wife who took pride in her role as a mother and homemaker and who kept the house clean and cooked a homemade dinner every night.
However, when he found out his fairytale would soon be shattered by the reality that on some days, despite her being home with the kids all day long, the house would still be messy, and sometimes ordering a pizza was all she had the energy to do. When he realized she would suffer from depression, be in a bad mood when he got home on certain occasions or wanted to meet her friends for happy hour on a Tuesday evening after he came home from work, is when he began to complain.
Taking care of the house and caring for the kids is not a real job to most men. As a result of this kind of backward thinking, many men feel resentful for fitting the bill for their entire household. But wait, isn’t that the man’s role? Or is it both parent’s role to provide financially and take care of the kids equally?
I noticed that generational cultural changes have given women more opportunities than ever to work and also provide for their families. However, it appears men still want to hold on to gender roles based upon the ideology of Patriarchy too. In other words, they want their cake and eat it too.
So, when it’s time to pay the bills he wants an “Independent women,” but when it’s time to wash the dishes, give Charlie a bath and take Melissa to gymnastics, he wants a woman who takes pride in performing the duties as a mother without h
Men today want women to work full-time and pay half of the bills, be an awesome mother who does most of the parenting which includes taking time off work to take the kids to doctor appointments, soccer practice, and birthday parties.
He also wants her to make it home in time to prepare a healthy, homecooked meal, give the kiddos a bath, help them with their homework and tuck them into bed by 8:30pm while he gets to chill on the sofa with a beer after he gets off of work.
That doesn’t appear fair to me at all! Ladies, most of you are getting played trying to do everything. Learn how to delegate responsibilities and make everything 50/50. That includes household chores and tending to the children.
It’s no wonder, women are dying of heart disease and heart attacks at an alarming rate, now more than ever in history!
The stay at home mom is literally verbally attacked when she stands up for herself and asks for a break from the children. Many men say things like, “You need a break from what? You don’t have a job, you stay at home all day with the kids.”
Many men have the audacity to say that they are being used because they have to pay all the bills. Perhaps they should do more research and look up the prices of daycare for 2 or 3 children. Most Americans would spend their entire salary on daycare if there were not women willing to stay home and raise their kids.
If you are suffering from stay at home mom “Financial Spousal Abuse,” you are not alone. Many women are suffering in silence. Verbal and mental abuse is unacceptable. If you are fed up for being held to unrealistic expectations 24/7, switch it up!
Get a job if you can, get back your independence and watch as your man sulks in envy. The contradictory behavior will continue. As soon as you start working hard on a job and somewhat slacking as a parent, your man will start to complain that all you do is work and you don’t pay attention to your kids.
You will never win with some men… there will always be some taste of dissatisfaction on his bitter tongue. Damned if you do and damned if you don’t!
The unappreciative man will remain unappreciative. He will always find the place in which you lack because he fails to realize perfection will never be accomplished. Ask yourself, is this the kind of man you want to spend the rest of your life with?
I am currently writing a book “The 52 Laws of Maintaining Power in Relationships,” and the most powerful law in the book is to ALWAYS maintain financial independence. In other words, don’t become a stay at home mom unless you know for sure your man will be supportive of it.
Plan ahead and save money before the baby comes so if you need to leave, you can do so without fear of falling into poverty. Being a stay at home mom should be temporary. Never, under any circumstances be a stay at home mom for years on years with an unappreciative, immature man!
He will leave you! Mark my words. To maintain power, attraction, and independence in a relationship, you MUST always have your own money.
Never marry a man who doesn’t understand the meaning of a partnership. If he believes that maintaining his financial independence and personal aims and ambitions is above providing for his family, run towards the nearest exit!
There are two types of narcissist, the conscious and unconscious. Those who are consciously aware of their evil and destructive pathology, and those who are not aware of their vile and destructive behavior. The unconscious narcissist is completely oblivious to his own condition whereas the conscious narcissist is deliberate and calculating.
Both conscious and unconscious narcissist are equally destructive.
Victims of abuse and neglect can become narcissist and the cycle of abuse is repeated. A few months ago I seen the movie Split. It’sa thriller about a psychopath who suffered psychologically trauma as a child. He developed multiple personality disorder and kidnapped a few girls. His rage from his abuse was left untreated for too long and he was so enraged evil and demonic entities entered him.
Abuse opens up a gateway and evil is released through vile behavior acted out by human beings.
More than likely, the unconscious narcissist was abused by a caregiver or a stranger and when the abuse took place, their light was stolen by the abusive and predatory narcissist who took something from the victim without permission.
Violators steal light.
They charge through others boundaries like a raging bull who see’s red. They believe they are empty inside because someone took something from them at a very young and tender age. They were not able to defend themselves and there was no one around to save them when the abuse took place.
Statistically, the judicial system fails to protect victims of abuse and more than likely justice is never served. This creates, even more, fear, hatred, anger and powerlessness within victims of abuse.
As a result, the victims feel an internal deficit. They are dim and in search of the light that was taken from them.
The only way they feel they can obtain the light that they lost is by stealing it from others because that is how it was taken from them. Once they begin stealing light from others, the high is similar to a drug addict getting his fix. When justice is not served on behalf of victims within our judicial system, anger festers and it is transmuted into resentment. Resentment seeks vengeance
Resentment seeks vengeance and initiates the cycle of abuse. If the narcissist who was abused doesn’t have children of their own to abuse, they will abuse others. They will seek out the vulnerable and they have a sixth sense in identifying them because they remember how it felt being vulnerable, powerless and an easy target of abuse. They like to work in schools, daycares, old folks homes or with people who have disabilities.
Narcisssist seek out single mothers to target and abuse their children. Every part of their life is set up to be in close proximity of people who are vulnerable, naive and full of life force, positive energy that narcissist can extract.
Untreated victims of abuse whose violators were never punished seek revenge. They morph into what they hate, an abuser! This is not the case for all victims of abuse, but it is true for some. An endless cycle of abuse is created and child abuse and spousal abuse continues it’s dreadful saga.
The powerless need to derive power from others by abusing them. This is true in every aspect of reality. If you’ve ever had a narcissistic manager, which I am certain you have because narcissist seeks careers in management and law enforcement where they can exercise power and dominance over others daily.
Narcissistic managers have a past. They have a story of abuse and victimization. Something happened to them that stole their light and now they make it a priority to extract light from you in every way possible the entire duration of your shift at work.
Being an empath, every time I am in the presence of a narcissist, I see right past their abusive behavior and I see a scared and defensive child, seething in the pain of neglect, abuse, abandonment and anger. I sympathize with the innocence that was stolen from them immediately. However, I no longer let my sympathy allow them to steal my light.
I have strong boundaries narcissist cannot break. I do not allow my smpathy towards them to enslave me into a savior role. I know that I cannot save them. However, I do know that I can point them in the right direction towards healing.
Every victim of abuse who turns narcissist needs to learn and practice the ancient art of mental transmutation.
“Mind may be transmuted, from state to state; degree to degree; condition to condition; pole to pole; vibration to vibration. True Hermatic Transmutation is a mental art.
Turning pain into power is your only refuge. It’s the only way to recognize your light is infinite and it was never stolen, you were forced to believe it was.
Instead of allowing the narcissist to steal my light, I give it to them willingly. This means before they try to extract it from me, I send healing and positive energy to them. Burglars who are greeted at the door of the house they’ve been plotting to rob with gifts would be immediately neutralized of their desire to steal. In subtle ways, I let the narcissist know that I am intuitively aware that they are suffering.
I invite them to like my “Kids Lives Matter,” page on Facebook, I let them know that I advocate for abused children. I speak to the broken child within them and do not allow their charm or persuasive ways to manipulate me or alter the course of my life.
I know that they can’t steal my light if I do not allow it! I trust my intuition and I am guided by my instincts. Therefore, I am not able to be used as an accessory to the narcissist.
I protect the vulnerable. I protect my child from predatory influences, I protect my light not by hiding or protecting it, but by giving it freely to those who have been dimmed and robbed of their own.
I am a radiating fountain of endless light and those who need it can absorb it. If you know you are a source of infinite good will, you will know that your light can never, ever be taken! Other’s may try to steal from it but the flow never stops. Your soul is self-replenishing and it replaces the light that is stolen. I guess what I am here to tell victims of abuse is, they didn’t steal your light, you are not dim, you are an infinite fountain flowing with light and that belief allows you to heal from abuse.
The abuser’s goal was to disconnect you from infinite flow and infinite source by planting the seed of worthlessness, lack and deficit within your being. Pull that seed from the dirt and do not allow it to flower. It’s a lie!
Being replenished with light starts with a simple belief and that is; your divinity can never be depleted, to begin with.
Your light is still there. Stop the cycle of narcissistic abuse.
Narcissistic abuse is insidious, like a poisonous gas that is odorless and invisible to the naked eye.
It creeps up on you like a shadow and craves your fear, not your love. Narcissist collects people like accessories to wear them to embellish their self-image. As soon as the accessory starts to realize the narcissist ill intentions, the narcissist tosses the accessory to the side to find a new one.
No one wants to be in a relationship and feel like they are easily disposable but that is exactly what you will get if you date a narcissist.
I’d rather be proactive than reactive any day! So, what are the early signs the new hot guy or girl your dating may be a narcissist?
I have listed several of them below. However, if you are so thirsty for love that you refuse to see the reality of a situation, the tell-tell signs below won’t save you from the destruction the narcissist is bound to put you through.
The ability to be present and mindful while dating is what will save you from the narcissist. Learning how to be keenly aware of the energy others emit and making a heart centered decision on whether or not the person you are dating will have the privilege of being in your life.
“If you are dating without purpose and from an empty vessel and seeking validation from a man… you are fish in the net for a narcissist.”
Perhaps, the narcissist is here to teach you a lesson. The narcissist will enter into your life when your self-love is low and your boundaries are weak just to teach you a lesson. The lesson is, you have to love yourself first and being happy is a choice, it can’t be found in a relationship.
Keep in mind, you will continue to meet narcissist while your dating. However, your level of self-esteem will determine whether or not you continue seeing them or get rid of them right away!
Self-love is determined by how you treat yourself and how you allow others to treat you!
1. Dominate Conversations:
On your very first date, you will notice how they drive conversation topics revolving themselves, their accomplishments, future goals, like, dislikes and preferences. Most of the rubbish they talk about is superficial. They just can’t be deep because there is no depth to them. Every time you try to insert your opinion, preferences or share information regarding yourself, they quickly redirect the conversation back to them or minimize whatever it is you shared with them. They show an obvious disinterest in ANYTHING you say that doesn’t revolve around them!
2. They are too confident
Narcs come off as way too self-confident, almost cocky. The first few dates this will appear very attractive to you. However, on the third date, it will annoy you to no end. The issue is they are not confident, they are incredibly insecure and trying to disguise it by being a little too sure of themselves. You will start to notice there is something very generic and inauthentic about them.
3. They Come on Too Strong then quickly become disinterested.
The narcissist starts off flooding you with attention. It’s charming and fun the first few weeks, then it becomes overbearing and annoying soon after. They idolize you then they despise you! This can happen in a few week span. It’s very bi-polar like and confusing. Instead of letting a relationship slowly and naturally progress, they take off full speed and then crash and burn. If he’s moving too fast and doing too much too soon, he’s probably a narcissist.
4. They can’t take a joke and lack a general sense of humor.
The best way to discover if you’re on a date with a narcissist is to make a cute little joke at their expense. Mentally healthy people can laugh at themselves. However, narcissist can’t handle minuscule jokes being directed towards them. Tell the joke, (Not a harsh joke) gauge their reaction. If they don’t laugh and they look at you completely dumbfounded then proceed to ask you to explain the joke because “They don’t get it,” You are in fact, dealing with a narcissist!
5. Lacks Empathy
If you walk past a homeless man begging for money on the side of the road on your way to the restaurant together, and the guy you’re with says something very cruel about the homeless man, more than likely, this man has no empathy! If you want to test to see if someone has empathy. Tell them a brief story about something that happened to you and see if they say something empathetic or if they say something judgemental. The narcissist believes perfection exist and they are the epitome of it. So they expect you and everyone else to also be perfect and when you fall short of perfection they usually offer criticism over empathy every time! If they do try to make a scene and empathize with you, it will be one-worded and void of emotion. #Fakelove
6. They playfully challenge you when you say “No.”
The narcissist just doesn’t listen to you, ever! On the first few dates, watch out for subtle signs. Example, they will ask for a kiss and you say “No,” they will keep insisting in a playful way you give them a kiss. They do not accept boundaries. If you hate fish, they will order it and keep pressuring you to try it. They get off by challenging your boundaries and breaking down your virtues. First, it’s kisses, massages and pressuring you to try things, then it escalates to convincing you to have a threesome with him and his friend. No Bueno! The guy who takes no as a challenge is a narcissist.
7. They are Secretive, Reveal half-truths and Tell Vague Stories
Narcissist typically has a lot to hide. They usually have a girlfriend or lingering casual relationships they managed to sustain for years. However, nothing really significant. You will notice inconsistencies, vague stories, and shit that doesn’t add up. After the second date, you will probably be confused about their real intentions because what they say and what they do is not consistent. You will have this nagging feeling something is off because it is! Go with your gut! Do some digging on social media, you will soon find evidence that proves them to be a liar and manipulator.
Needless to say, if your new beau is showing at least 3 of the 7 signs above. Run for the hills and don’t look back. Narcissist wants to devour your soul, it’s not about love and it never was.
Today, narcissist all over the world are being idolized and celebrated. Somehow, we’ve reached a new low where carelessness and cruelty is seen as superiority and brilliance.
In our intimate relationships, the one who cares less is seen as the stronger and wiser party in the relationship. However, carelessness is not a strength.
“You are not a better or wiser person simply because you’ve ceased to care.” ― Clifford Cohen
The term narcissist is being overly used by people desperate to find closure in a relationship that didn’t work out and quite frankly was never meant to be.
The goal of this blog is to learn how to distinctively recognize a narcissist before loosely throwing around the term. Not everyone who has hurt you in a relationship is a narcissist. Accurately identifying narcissistic characteristics will assist in protection against abuse.
In fact, we all have narcissistic tendencies. We’ve all hurt people unknowingly in the past and acknowledging that is very difficult to do.
“We are to give (and take) true love without falling into the narcissistic habit of only trying to take it in.” ― Criss Jami, Killosophy
Unrequited love is not narcissistic abuse. If someone chooses not to reciprocate the love you give to them, that is their free will. It doesn’t necessarily make them a narcissist.
The very issues you see with a narcissist may be the very issues someone seen in you from your past. Typically, that’s the person who was head over heels in love with you but unfortunately you didn’t feel the same way about them. Unrequited love stirs emotions that people will find a way to justify by painting the one who got away as a villain.
At some point in someone’s story from our past we were made to be the villain. The very fact that most people don’t acknowledge that is narcissistic in of itself.
In my upcoming book How to Defeat a Narcissist: 25 Ways to Shut Down Narcissistic Abuse, I discuss in great lengths, how narcissistic encounters should be handled and how pivotal it is to be knowledgeable of narcissistic traits and characteristics on the dating scene, at work, and among friends and family.
Narcissist are known as the wolf in sheep’s clothing. Everything about them is deceptive. The narcissist is an illusionist who comes into your life appearing as your knight in shining arm. He showers you with attention, affection, gifts, compliments and promises that will put your anxious and lonely heart at ease.
However, beneath the surface lurks a manipulative, sadistic, abusive coward. The unsuspecting victim of narcissistic abuse wants to be loved but the narcissist wants to be feared. The narcissist seeks to control your emotions because he can’t control his own. Narcissist have no use for those he cannot control. He comes on strong, professing his undying love, enveloping the victim into a smoke screen that is almost inescapable.
However, sooner or later, the narcissist begins to show his sadistic true colors. He love bombs the victim with admiration and affection in the beginning of the relationship only to devalue, abuse and criticize them later. The victim of narcissistic abuse works hard to bring back the way things were in the beginning when the narcissist was caring and affectionate… They blame themselves for the narcissist changed behavior and work even harder to regain his love, attention and validation.
The victim is unknowingly on a hamster wheel. Continuously running circles for the narcissist but going absolutely nowhere! Sound familiar?
Eventually, the victim of narcissistic abuse acts like an addict desperately try to get the narcissist to love her again. His validation is her fix. He dangles it like a carrot in her face. She’s a sucker for the honeymoon phase and will disrespect herself if there’s a possibility she can relive it.
Her greatest fearis that the narcissist never loved her to begin with…
That fear gives him premium narcissistic supply and a perverse power that entitles him to abuse others without regard.
How the narcissist hooks his victims…
The first few weeks, or even months, of dating the narcissist is referred to as the love-bombing, honeymoon phase.
His charm is unmatched and he will say or do no wrong. His love and kindness will let down the victims guard and the narcissist will use their vulnerability to abuse them later in the relationship. The narcissist appears to be everything his partner ever wanted in a man.
A relationship with a narcissist is like a fairy tale with a heartbreaking plot twist that doesn’t end well for the victim.
Unfortunately, Prince charming turns into a vicious monster. The vibrant energy and positivity the narcissist gave you in the beginning of the relationship turns into confusion, mental and physical fatigue, shock, gas-lighting, mental abuse, emotional abuse, deflection and devaluation.
Narcissistic hook their victims by shocking them from the drastic difference in their behavior from a loving and kind man to a monster. One minute the narcissist puts the victim on a pedestal then they knock them off. This dysfunctional pattern will persist throughout the relationship.
After the honeymoon phase, the devaluation stage slowly begins.
It’s never obvious. Narcissistic abuse is insidious, sarcastic and passive aggressive. It’s a slow poison affecting one organ at a time.
The obvious first sign is the narcissist makes the victim feel insignificant and even crazy!
The narcissist goes from validating the victim to invalidating the victim. The victim becomes obsessed with the narcissist because they are stuck wondering why. Often, the victim is trapped in a cognitive dissonance desperately trying to justify the narcissist bizarre behavior.
The power of validation and invalidation
“Invalidation is about dismissing your experiences, thoughts and above all your emotions. Indeed the intention is to not even allow you to have those thoughts, experiences and emotions. It’s a way of invading your head and reprogramming it. It’s psychological abuse (messing with your thoughts) and emotional abuse (messing with your feelings).”
― Danu Morrigan
How can you prevent the inevitable fall from grace when dealing with a narcissist? Be patient. Don’t fall hook, line and sinker for anyone during the honeymoon phase (first few months) of a relationship. Instead, allow the relationship to slowly unfold. Avoid men who come on too strong professing their love for you in only a few weeks or a few months of knowing you. Only time reveals who people truly are and everyone shows the best version of themselves in the beginning.
We don’t know a person until we experience an argument or disagreement with them. A true testament of an individual’s character is how they handle conflict. The narcissist avoids conflict in the honeymoon stage of a relationship to hide his true colors. He is often appeasing and very accommodating to his partner in the beginning appearing to patient, kind and compromising. Beware of any man who avoids conflict altogether. That person is not being real. Everything the narcissist does is strategically calculated.
On this particular blog, I want to give a general overview to address all the emails I have received from my followers who believe they are in relationships with a narcissist.
First of all, you cannot be in a relationship with a narcissist, it will never develop into an actual relationship. Even if you are married to them or just a casual girlfriend. You’re not actually in a relationship, despite the title. You are a slave to a slave master, a helpless civilian to a dictator, a peasant to a king. A relationship is mutual exchange of love, respect, energy and compromise.
The end goal of a relationship is love and partnership. The end goal for a narcissist is control.
Instead of a relationship, you are involved in a situation-ship with a narcissist. Since narcissist can’t experience real intimacy due to emotional blocks developed in childhood, fake love, is the only love you’ll receive.
Noticed I mentioned, “real intimacy.” Quite simply, narcissist can’t be taken seriously. At all! If you understand this law of human social interaction, you’ll know better than dealing with them on a serious, intimate level. You deal with a narcissist on their level, which is superficial, delusional and minuscule. They are good for one night stands while on vacation. I wouldn’t even recommend starting a friends with benefits relationship with a narcissist. That too, can turn toxic.
The purpose of the narcissist in your life: The narcissist will awaken your need to look within yourself and establish stronger boundaries. If you already have high self-esteem and strong boundaries, most narcissist won’t get past the 2nd date with you.
If you’re reading this and already in love with a narcissist. This experience will make you a wiser person with stronger boundaries in the end. However, if you find yourself in one abusive relationship after the next… you may be suffering from emotional masochism which means that you’re subconsciously addicted to emotional pain. Read more here…
The first step is understanding the narcissist’s moves. Narcissists obsessively follow a set pattern of behaviors that can be learned so that you remain one step ahead of them. The pathology of narcissism starts at a very young age due to a dysfunctional childhood. Please read my article titled “Stealing Light: The Cycle of Narcissism” to get a better understanding as to why the narcissist behaves the way they do.
Regardless, narcissist operate on an subconscious script. They need to trick people into believing in love then take back the love they gave to remind others their not worthy of love.
Most narcissist grew up in an emotionally and mentally abusive environment where their parent(s) bargained their love. The parent would only love them conditionally. Once the narcissist made a mistake, the parent would withhold that love and emotionally and mentally scold the child.
The narcissist replays that scripts and re-enacts that trauma of giving love and then taking it back in their adult relationships. Taking the love they give back gives them a sense of power and control, something they didn’t have as a child.
Never feel pity for them. Most narcissist refuse to get help because denial is the numbing agent they use to ease their pain. If you jump on a sinking ship you deserve to drown.
Take off your cape now! Your love will not save them or change them.
Beat the narcissist at his own game.
Narcissists need to feel significant. This is their addiction.
Unfortunately, for the narcissist to feel significant, they must make you feel insignificant. It is essential to learn the psychology of narcissism because understanding their behavior frees you from blaming yourself for how badly they treat you.
My book… How to Defeat a Narcissist, is critical for all women to read! If you stay ready, you never have to get ready!
The best dating advice I ever received was: The signs you ignore in the beginning just end up being the reason you leave later.
My book will teach you how to determine right away who’s good and who’s bad for you… My book will confirm your intuition. You know, when you got that strange feeling on the 2nd date that he may not be the right man for you, but you ignored it?
Self-validation is the only validation you should ever seek. Remember, seeking validation from others will make you a slave for their approval.
How a narcissist treats you has nothing to do with your worth as a person but more to do with their anger, hurt and pain buried deep within their psyche.
Narcissist are maladaptive. They don’t learn from their mistakes and they refuse to get professional help. They allow things in their life to remain unresolved. Forever. Imagine living with them in their toxicity? If living in a gas chamber suits your emotional needs. Go for it! Be prepared for a slow, agonizing and painful death of your mind, body and spirit.
Narcissist are travelers looking for someone to help carry around their baggage. Don’t rush to be their companion. Don’t fall for the love bombing scheme. Don’t let flattery get to your head. Remain objective, patient and slightly skeptical. Mostly, remain self-protective!
Remember, how long you decide to stick around accepting abuse does have something to do with your nonexistent self-esteem. Are you in love with a narcissist? You may have some self-loving to do! No worries. My book can help you with that too!
The perfect analogy to the relationship dynamic you would encounter from a narcissist is that of an ill-behaved child who suffers severe social personality disorders and an overly stressed out parent.
There will never be a lasting, adult-like mutual exchange of love and energy with this person. Their goal in dealing with you is NOT to love you, it is to lower your expectations, ignore your boundaries, and reek havoc on you in an insidious, indirect manner.
Below is a list of the narcissistic tactics and how you should deal with them accordingly.
The narcissist has a closed off energy. In their presence, you feel something is either hidden or missing with them. Something seems off. Despite their meager attempts to sometimes open up, it seems superficial, like they’re on stage putting on a show. Usually getting them to open up at all is, well impossible.
An example: Everytime you asks a narcissist how they are doing, they are always doing great! They do not appear real in any way shape or form. They’re not the type to tell you what’s really going on in their lives in fear that you will use the information to control them.
An Example: If you display emotion, they display logic. They reason everything you say. It feels like your consulting in a business meeting not sharing your feelings with an adult who can empathize. It’s just another way the narcissist mimizies his victims.
A narcissist can’t display emotion. They can ACT as if their emotional to achieve a goal. They can mirror feelings but actually lack the capacity to feel genuine feelings.
Unfortunately, most of them were forced to exercise emotional censorship as children and they are not aware of any alternative way of being. Emotional censorship is when a parent forces a child to never show anger or negative emotions.
The parent teaches the child that it’s not good to show emotion, and they can not share how they feel in their home environment. Being emotional is bad, it’s weak and not approved by the emotionally abusive parent.
Eventually, the repression of the narcissists emotions will blow up in your face one day and become narcissistic rage! That is discussed in more detail in my book.
Narcissist hate holidays and birthdays
It is hard for them to see people happy, although they appear to be happy on the outside, they are dying on the inside. They do not like receiving gifts because “it’s too intimate” and they do not like giving gifts at all, so you are more than likely to get a really lame ass gift if one at all, from a covert narc. Unless of course, your in the love bombing stage. In that case you may receive a really expensive gift to make you fall hard.
I dated a covert narc once, invited him to my daughters birthday and he acted like an ass the entire duration of the party. He had a miserable look on his face, was very indifferent towards my daughter and actually had the audacity to pull me aside and say that I am not paying attention to him! He tried to fight with me at my daughter’s party by begging me to give him the same attention I was giving her. Needless to say, I left him shortly after.
Narcissist hate celebrations and holidays, they sulk and get very depressed during these times. Seeing people happy is so disturbing to them.” Janell Hihi
Narcs secretly enjoy funerals, evictions, layoffs and breakups when it’s happening to other people.
Covert Narcissist will not commit. To anything. Trying to plan a date with a narc? He/or she will agree verbally but rebel in action! How dare you try to confine them, subject them to obligation? They will find a way out with their myriad of excuses but they will never tell you straight up they just don’t want to go. If you are a side chick which is considered secondary supply, you will be on the receiving end of a very non-committal narcissist.
Your hope is their fuel. Making an actual “plan” with you would make you feel too comfortable. The covert narcissist wants all control. They want you off guard, off balance, forever in an unknowing state and they will manipulate you into believing that it’s just spontaneity. No, it’s an indirect control tactic, my dear. He wants you sitting around waiting by the phone for him. Of course, I know your confused because in the beginning he planned dates with you a week in advance… He wants to keep you guessing. It give him control when you don’t know his next move!
Your response to his refusal to commit should be: Make plans with “adults” in your life, keep your life moving. Keep your life fabulous! Make plans with others and do not break your plans if he calls you at the last minute. Make him wait in line and force him to plan a date with you otherwise the consequence is he won’t be able to see you at all! Remind the narcissist your life doesn’t revolve around him.
Do call them out on their inability to commit. In fact, call them out on EVERYTHING they do wrong.
Narcs hate being called out. I advise you to point out in an emotionally healthy way (they secretly despise your ability to express emotion) that they are LIARS. That they can’t be trusted. That they are in fact deceitful and they do not know how to keep their word. Do not be moved from your position, show them your poor opinion of them is an unchanging belief.
Mirror the narcissist by mocking their behavior and flaking out on them on several occasions too, contradict yourself and act innocent calling them out on their dirty laundry while denying your own.
Most covert (non-aggressive) narcs will never, under any circumstances express an attitude with you verbally. However, the aggressive narcissist will, but that is another blog. In fact, most narcissist aren’t clear cut covert or aggressive… they usually alternate their behavior by appearing covert and aggressive, simultaneously. This causes their victim to stay confused. It’s easy to abuse and control confused people.
Unfortunately, there are varying degrees of narcissism. So far in my life, I have encountered covert non-aggressive and aggressive narcissist. If you have never dealt with a narcissist it is essential to be aware of the early signs you’re dating a narcissist. Check out my article “7 Early Signs You Are Dating a Narcissist.”
The covert, non-aggressive narcissist reactions are shown through their actions. REMEMBER, THEY CANNOT EXPRESS EMOTION. Calling you out would be an emotional act. They’d much rather pretend they are unbothered by you and act unrealistically nonchalant despite how awful your blatant behavior was towards them. The covert narcissist maintains a poker face and an unmovable stoic exterior.
Covert narcissist keep you at bay, at a distance, they fear getting too close to you. Aggressive narcs are possessive and controlling, they don’t want you to have a life of your own after they reel you in and make you fall hard by love bombing you.
A covert narc doesn’t want relationships, he/she wants an open stream of “no-string attached,” casual relationships with multiple people.” Janell Hihi
Esteemology.com could not have said it better regarding the narcissist and his harem of women he collects that he never intends to commit to.
Usually, these are women who were tired of his hot and cold behavior and they ended it but he asked to be their “friend” and they allowed it. It’s really not ever as simple as a “friendship”, it usually includes some kind of benefits. The narcissist always looks to milk every cow he encounters thoroughly. Staying your friend after a failed relationship is also a way to make you suffer for any narcissistic injury you inflicted on them.
“Narcissists, in the same way, don’t like to throw away the people they’ve collected. Both are pathological, unhealthy and dysfunctional. A Narcissist will offer up a friendship after he has screwed you around for the 100th time, but what he’s really offering is a membership to his harem.
He will throw you crumbs of affection and he will spin tales, hinting of a possible future together. This harem membership allows him to pop in and out of your life, mess with your head and keep tabs on you, while at the same time it keeps you stuck and fixated on him. Harem Membership does have its privileges, but the privilege is all his.”
They are not upfront about just wanting sex because they are confused. They really want power over you. Although it may appear only physical… it’s much deeper than that.
They send mixed signals constantly. One minute they “may” want to pursue a relationship, the very next minute they aren’t even dating you. You’re just a fuck buddy friend type of convenience for them in the grand scheme of things. What you are to them changes depending on their moods and egoic needs.
The longer you stick around playing their fool, the more damage you will inflict upon yourself. Get out!!
Covert narcs thrive off of selling you a dream, that maybe one day they may see you as girlfriend material… or one day they’ll leave their wife or girlfriend to be with you… or one day when they get their finances right they’ll marry you. It’s all bullshit they feed you to keep you around so they can have you at their disposal. I know it’s not fair. In the beginning they said they were single and looking for love. They were exclusive to you in the honeymoon phase… but then the truth was revealed somehow and you’re sitting around asking yourself why you weren’t good enough to be told the truth… These self-defeating questions keep you stuck in the cycle of abuse.
That’s the wrong narrative. Pay attention to how you talk to yourself! The only question you should be asking yourself is why you didn’t leave the narcissist for good when you found out the truth about them?
Narcissist Body Language
Most narcissists have this weird smirk on their face that is unchanging despite what chaos is going on around them.
They stare at you with a blank and fake, psychotic half smile. Their facebook profile picture may look the same or similar, scan your friend’s list and brace yourself.
This picture below is the signature narcissistic Poker Face, it’s just creepy! This actor nailed it!
When you stand up to a narcissist, what should you expect from them in return?
Standing up to a narcissist is when you openly refuse to believe the “False self” that they portray to you and the world. You refuse their false self by calling them out on it and TELLING them who they really are. It’s as if you have “Exposed” them. Be prepared for insidious revenge, they will, in turn, want to destroy you! End the relationship with them and that cuts off their plan to drag you along in a game of tit for tat.
Remember, it’s important to leave them for good once you stand up for yourself and refuse to believe their bullshit. There’s no point in sticking around.
Expect the Silent Treatment
A narcissist is known to initiate the silent treatment for days or weeks after you assert your boundaries. Or after they make a promise or a commitment they never intended to fulfill.
Most women hate men who tell you straight up they don’t want a relationship because they’re not accustomed to assertive men. Women who pursue men who clearly state their intentions and try to change them are the narcissist in those cases!
The unwillingness to accept honesty is a narcissistic trait. The unwillingness to believe what people show you about themselves is also a narcissistic trait. Whenever you try to alter reality to satisfy your ego, you’re not an optimist or hopeless romantic, you’re toxic! If you cry victim after failure to change someone who clearly revealed their intentions to you, newsflash! You’re the problem.
Narcissist will attempt to reel you back in by making you jealous!
They also get you back by throwing another person in your face by bringing them around you a.k.a, triangularization.
They are known for getting their victim really excited about an extravagant date they plan to take them on but they eventually cancel the date at the last minute or worse, go silent and stand their victim up. The narcissist wants to gas his victims up just to let them down. They inflict extreme highs and lows within their relationships.
In addition, narcissist mutter under their voice sarcastic or degrading comments about you in public and in private. They need to keep you insecure and guessing… again, it’s how they maintain their power.
Narcissist make irrational statements to confuse their target. For example, the narcissist may say, “I’m mean to you because I like you.” You may believe for a moment your back in the 1st grade but no, they really mean it! They don’t really like you, so if you’re desperate for an inkling of validation, don’t get too excited. They don’t like you, they only like playing with your head because you allow it.
Everything a narcissist says is partially a truth and partially a lie. If there is a such thing, narcissist are the “In between People.” Who are never clear about who they are or their true intentions. This mysterious aura they possess keeps their victims stuck trying to figure the narcissist out.
It’s actually true that if a narcissist likes you, he/she will indeed treat will treat you badly. This is exactly why most people who are mutual friends with the narcissist will not believe you when you tell them the truth about this person’s sociopathic behavior. On the outside they appear to be a great person.
Narcissist interchangeably insults and compliments you.
The narcissist in one instance will throw an underhanded insult at you and in the next instance, compliment you. They like to keep their victims in a fog of confusion. If they can keep their partner asking themselves “Does he like me or not?” They have them wrapped around their fingers.
When the narcissist starts to peel back his mask, he’ll make YOU the topic of his underhanded jokes and constant sarcasm. You will never know if he’s joking or serious. He has power when he keeps you wondering…
If you try to call him out on his antisocial behavior, he will laugh at you and tell you that you can’t take a joke! You’re too sensitive! The narcissist will give you the illusion that if you want to hang out with him you better toughen up. You can’t be too sensitive because they like to “joke a lot” and the joke is often on you!
An example of this from my experience with a narcissist is below:
I thought I was having a good conversation with a narc once until he switched it all up and said in a casual way, that he had never met a girl as “Promiscuous” as me. When I checked him on the statement he made, he said he didn’t mean to use that word… I knew it was a passive aggressive attempt to insult me because promiscuity is not what I represent at all! Narcissist will call you the opposite of what you are to mold you into what they secretly wish you to be. A narcissist will call a virgin nun a whore and a Ivy league graduate academically challenged.
Narcissist hate titles. Boyfriend titles, husband titles, employee titles, anything that confines them to fit a certain role that heeds responsibility and makes them feel obligated to behave a certain. Even if they agree to a title, they NEVER live up to it and they secretly resent you for demanding they take a title.
Narcissist will become husbands and boyfriends when “cornered” but they will NOT act according to their titles. They will take upon the title to appease you but never change their ways. If you benefit them financially, it will be easier for them to secure a commitment. However, it’s important to never be too flattered by their marriage proposal. Your still nothing to them despite the rock on your finger. They will still maintain an eerie psychotic distance from you which will be initiated by changing drastically as soon as you move in with them, get married, or become exclusive. The mask will come off and you’ll regret saying “Yes.”
Narcissist are passive aggressive by default, telling you what you want to hear and doing the direct opposite.” Janell Hihi
They feed you hope never delivering! Don’t buy what they are selling. You will never get it. It will always be marked as out for delivery but never land at your doorstep.
How can you beat the narcissist at their own game?
Only reward behavior, never words. The narcissist will get what he wants ONLY after he gives you what you want.” Janell Hihi
So how do you defeat a narcissist? It’s simple: NEVER PAY UPFRONT.
They won’t ever deliver and neither will you. It goes nowhere and nowhere is the perfect destination to strive for when dealing with a crazy individual pretending to be normal.
This book is a game changer! Learn how to defeat a narcissist on every level and how to heal properly and move forward! Are you ready to get your power back? This book reveals secrets the narcissist doesn’t want you to know!
Last but not least… Narcissist will NOT leave you alone.
When a narcissist discards his victim… he often uses the slow fade maneuver. He says things that try to make his victim feel special. Example, “I ain’t going nowhere.” And “I ain’t ever letting you go.”
Most victims of narcissistic abuse made it so easy and convenient for the narcissist to get what they want from them that they’ll allow the narcissist to leave the door open just in case he is upset with his new supply and in need of an ego stroke.
Also, their inflated ego refuses to believe anyone would ever leave them. As mentioned earlier, narcissist collect women and add them to their harem.
How to respond if the narcissist tries to leave the door open…
The narcissist must be totally cut off. They can’t even be a friend or business associate! I usually threaten them with police involvement and harassment orders to get them to stop contacting me after a break up. Otherwise, they don’t take you seriously
Allowing the narcissist to “casually” stay in your life without commitment is a trap.
If you were in a relationship and you break up, do not let them stay in your life. When it’s over, it really has to be over. Severe all connections, you are not dealing with a normal person who really just wants to be your friend.”
It either is, or it isn’t with a narcissist. Unfortunately, even when it is, it really isn’t so you’re screwed either way. Can you say “DEAD END?” That is the only direction you will be headed in when dealing with a narcissist.
Narcissist don’t respect boundaries
I told a narcissist my boundaries once, and he said, “Boundaries?!” He gave me a strange, empty look as if I just insulted him and then he proceeded to say, “I don’t do well with boundaries, that doesn’t work for me.”
If that wasn’t a red flag coming from the horse’s mouth itself! I knew at that point, my departure was inevitable but what scared me was the fact that people who don’t like boundaries usually won’t get the picture when you tell them it’s over. A prime example is a stalker. They habitually cross the line violating their victims boundaries while receiving a rush of intoxicating adrenaline while doing so.
Narcissist can’t believe you want nothing to do with them, I can’t reiterate this point enough! You will often hear yourself saying to friends and family, “I told him I want nothing to do with him anymore and not to contact me again, yet he acts as though I never said it and nothing is wrong!”
Narcissist can’t believe ANYONE would want to have NOTHING to do with them because of their grandiose, egotistical, and unrealistic view of themselves.
They believe you’re just mad now and in a few days, weeks or months, you will forget about the whole ordeal and let them back into your life… This is why they will wait a few weeks and send you a text or Facebook message saying “Hope all is well.” They do not know how to Get LOST!
*Remain consistent with No Contact and contact law enforcement to help you if needed.
A typical interaction with a narcissist is as follows:
The normal person asking the narc to stay away from him/her:
“I don’t want to see you anymore, not even as a friend. You are a hurtful person. Do not contact me again.”
The Narcissist reaction:
“Oh okay, well take care.”
Then 6 days later the narcissist sends you the following text message:
“Hey, u free to grab a drink tonight?”
It’s the narcissist way of telling you in so many ways, “Your boundaries don’t mean shit to me, I will come and go as I please. I am not listening to you. I get what I want.”
This is why when you end a relationship with a narcissist you must block their phone number and social media accounts. They never really go away. You must make yourself unreachable to them.
However, once they really get the point they will walk away, you were nothing but an object to them anyways and they always have someone else in line to get narcissistic supply from. Don’t feel sorry for him.
Unfortunately, many women have weak boundaries and low self-esteem and this is what keeps the narcissist in business. He will replace you once he is absolutely sure you’re done with him.
How do you know you are done with a narcissist?
When you no longer believe anything the narcissist stands for. When you stop hoping the narcissist will change. Your lack of faith in him will repel him and he will move on to the next victim.
You may still be hurt and feel betrayed but you no longer see any good in the narcissist and the illusion is broken. Since the relationship was based on illusions, once the narcissist is exposed, there is no foundation left for the relationship to survive.
When the narcissist realizes you no longer believe in them, they immediately lose interest. They will replace you or put you on the back burner. At this point, you should cut all ties to the narcissist to begin your recovery and healing. This stage is referred to as No Contact.
If you don’t abandon the narcissist, you can get them to abandon you by exercising the following techniques below. Remember, after you inflict narcissistic injury it is best to do it and then cut off ALL contact with them.
If you find it difficult to cut a narcissist out of our life, you’re not alone. It’s very hard. The good news it, I can help. Sign up for 1 on 1, customized coaching Click Here
Additional ways to defeat a narcissist:
*Mock their behavior and laugh. After all, nothing about them is real, it’s just a game. Play!
*Date other people, keep all options open.
*Embarrass them. Expose them on social media or in public. Narcissists live in an illusion and if you reveal their true colors to the public, you have successfully defeated them!
*Be open to real love and you will never settle for Narcissistic abuse.
*Show emotion with them. Extreme emotion. It freaks them out!
*If you find yourself attracted to a narcissist and you are actually contemplating a relationship with them, please go see a therapist to address your co-dependent issues and low self-esteem.
*Call them out on everything they do.
*Demand that they give you a title and don’t you dare see them until they do.
*Set expectations. Every time you talk to them remind them of what you EXPECT from them.
*Praise their friends but not them.
*Criticize them and reinforce their insecurity. They are never as confident as they appear.
*Complain about the sex.
*Keep talking about your ex in front of them.
*Say one thing but do the opposite.
*BEST strategy? IGNORE THEM. Show complete disdain. Focus on improving your life. Move on!
Run when you see this facial expression! Narcissist are spiritual serial killers, they may not kill your physical body, but they will butcher your soul.
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