Do You Love The Narcissist or Are You Addicted to Him?

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Is it love or addiction?

This is the question I often ask myself when I am staring down a dark chocolate truffle before I devour it.

Many singers, poets and writers would say love and addiction is the same thing. However, I highly disagree!

Addiction is an obsession to a desired outcome that is unrealistic. It’s a fantasy-like train of thought that distorts our reality.

According to Psychology Today ” Sex and love addiction are so commonly bonded that there is a 12-step support group for the combination: Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA). Both love addiction and sex addiction are often viewed as disorders of intimacy.”

What we are addicted to is irrelevant but the fact that we may have addictive personality traits is what’s cause for concern.

Loving a narcissist is addictive because the effect they have on the human brain, psyche and soul of their victim fluctuates from the highest of highs and the lowest of lows just as heroine, cocaine and opioids do.

The rollercoaster ride of high adrenaline and the blunt blow of the fall riddled with low serotonin levels which are often attributed to anxiety, depression, panic attacks, insomnia, obesity, fibromyalgia, eating disorders, chronic pain, migraines, and alcohol abuse. Negative thoughts, low self-esteem, obsessive thoughts and behaviors, PMS, and Irritable Bowel Syndrome are also symptoms of low serotonin.

The highs are like no other, it feels like the best love, heaven-sent, breath-taking sex, endless orgasms, charm, compliments, gifts, attention and emotional availability.

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A relationship with a narcissist is like an addiction to a drug because it’s nothing but consecutive highs and lows.

There is never a feeling of calmness, stability and consistency. It’s one drastic extreme to the next.

And just like a drug, it is extremely difficult to get over a narcissist once they discard you! Withdrawal is real. A support group and a team of loving friends and family members is needed to help you get through the struggle of withdrawal without relapsing.

Your body and soul gets so accustomed to the highs and the lows that it can no longer fathom or adapt to stability, calmness and peace of mind.

It can take months or years to re-stabilize after narcissistic abuse. It depends on how long the relationship was and how severe the abuse was.

I suffered from anxiety attacks out of the blue a few years back because I developed minor post traumatic stress disorder for being in two consecutive relationships with narcissist back to back. I left my narcissistic husband only to later get involved in another covert narcissistic relationship.

My recovery took years. And that’s okay. At the time I left my ex husband I did not know what the difference between covert and overt narcissist was so I fell prey to an opportunistic, manic-depressive, covert narcissist.

I didn’t know I was addicted to the drastic highs and lows. I left one, just to get a hit of another. My ex would break up with me out of the blue or when he didn’t get his way and it would hurt me to the core.

Then, out of the blue he would get back together with me professing his undying love. It was like he would create a catastrophe then come in out of the blue as a hero and save me from the pain he caused.

This is why the narcissist simultaneously switches from villain to hero. Similar to how drug companies make up illnesses and then create a medication that supposedly cures the illness but the side effects are more deadly then the illness itself.

I would look ridiculous when he would break up with me out of the blue. It would be after we went out with friends or to dinner or days after a minor disagreement. I would plead with him to reconsider. I felt ashamed and embarrassed that suddenly he could switch off his feelings like a light switch and just leave.

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I felt like I cared too much. It was confusing and I was often shocked. 

The shock is what kept me hooked and coming back for more. I wasn’t in love. I was addicted!

Listen to Rihanna and Justin Timberlake song “Rehab” 

According to an article written by The Ranch, below is a list of all the signs that you may be addicted to love:

Typical signs of love addiction include:

  • Mistaking intense sexual experiences and new romantic excitement for love
  • Constantly craving and searching for a romantic relationship
  • When in a relationship, being desperate to please and fearful of the other’s unhappiness
  • When not in a relationship, feeling desperate and alone
  • Inability to maintain an intimate relationship once the newness and excitement have worn off
  • Finding it unbearable or emotionally difficult to be alone
  • When not in a relationship, compulsively using sex and fantasy to fill the loneliness
  • Choosing partners who are emotionally unavailable and/or verbally or physically abusive
  • Choosing partners who demand a great deal of attention and caretaking but who do not meet, or even try to meet, your emotional or physical needs
  • Participating in activities that don’t interest you or go against your personal values in order to keep or please a partner
  • Giving up important interests, beliefs, or friendships to maximize time in the relationship or to please a romantic partner
  • Using sex, seduction, and manipulation (guilt/shame) to “hook” or hold on to a partner
  • Using sex or romantic intensity to tolerate difficult experiences or emotions
  • Missing out on important family, career, or social experiences to search for a romantic or sexual relationship
  • Using anonymous sex, porn, or compulsive masturbation to avoid “needing” someone, thereby avoiding all relationships
  • Finding it difficult or impossible to leave unhealthy or abusive relationships despite repeated promises to oneself or others to do so
  • Repeatedly returning to previously unmanageable or painful relationships despite promises to oneself or others to not do so

I can’t stress how important it is to heal from narcissistic abuse before re-entering the dating game otherwise you will attract another narcissist who is more covert, manipulative and deceiving.

Treat your break up with a narcissist like you are entering rehab for drug abuse and I promise you, the healing will be more efficient and expedient.

You don’t love the narcissist. You are addicted. Is addiction stronger than love? Yes, because it disguises itself as love and locks the brain and the heart into a state of perpetual confusion.

Sincerely,

Janell Hihi copyright@2018

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The Narcissist Favorite Victims: 4 Most Codependent Zodiac Signs

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In a recent article, I pointed out the top narcissistic signs in the Zodiac. This article will do the opposite by listing the 4 most codependent Zodiac signs. The narcissist purposely seeks codependent people because they are the perfect victim to prey upon.

The codependent has low self-esteem, a huge need for validation and a glitch that makes them give and give while accepting very little in return. Codependents accept non-reciprocal relationships and narcissist are inherently incapable of reciprocation which makes these two a match made in heaven.

What does it mean to be codependent?

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#1 Codependent Zodiac Sign: CANCER

Cancers are excellent caregivers. They also make great parents. Their willingness to nurture those around them with love, support, and attention can allow the Cancer to easily be used, abused and manipulated.

The nursery rhyme, “Mary had a Little Lamb,” is a great example of how Cancer’s follow their love interest hopefully and blindly. Mary’s little lamb is the symbolic representation of a Cancer and how they operate in relationships. They like to revolve around their partner.

The narcissist is immediately attracted to the Cancers parental-like characteristic because the narcissist had an abusive or an emotionally unavailable parent as a child. The narcissist wants to feel loved and supported and the Cancer is the only sign who eagerly gives love and attention unconditionally.

The problem with most Cancers is that they don’t know where to draw the line. They give and give and then become resentful. They give selflessly just so they can cry their favorite line, “But I gave you everything!” The Cancer’s dark side is to be a martyr like most water signs. Cancer’s want to be the one to sacrifice it all just to complain and whine about it incessantly.

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The victim role is their favorite role. They purposely attract people into their life who will abuse them, just so they can feed their emotional turmoil and depression. Like, most co-dependents, Cancers manifest toxic relationships into their life believing they can fix the other person. This never works, and the Cancer is always hurt in the end. Never learning from their mistakes.

Cancer’s capitalize off their sadness. The rapper 50 Cent got shot five times yet continuously brags about his so-called immortality in his rap lyrics. Cancer’s don’t share their testimony of their hardships and struggles to be a beacon of light for others. Instead, they use it solidify their proud role as the victim. They want you to know what happened to them. They want you to know how other people went out of their way to hurt them.

Cancer is one of the most intuitive and clairvoyant zodiac signs but they rarely act on their instincts. This is what makes the Cancer so puzzling and hard to figure out.

Cancer, like Pisces and Scorpio, can vacillate between being a codependent and a narcissist. After all, they are two sides of the same coin. They can play both roles simultaneously throughout their lives. However, they are more likely to be the co-dependent than the narcissist. Pisces however, is the only water sign with more narcissistic traits.

One thing you will never, ever hear, is a Cancer taking responsibility for their pain. Instead, they say sadistic things like, “It’s my fault,” or “Everyone thinks I’m worthless.” They want pity more than they want respect. FACTS! The narcissist preys on this desire and usually strings along a Cancer for decades inflicting varying levels of abuse onto them.

How Cancers can heal from narcissistic abuse:

Cancers can use their emotions to heal from narcissistic abuse. Narcissist hate emotions. They don’t want to feel because they are numb from the abuse they endured as a child. The cancer must learn to cut off their nurturing side and feel the toxic emotions and turmoil that the narcissist in inflicting upon them. When Cancers internalize the toxic emotions caused by the narcissist, they will gather the strength to leave.

Cancers must retreat into their shell, go “No Contact,” on the narcissist and “Feel” their way out of love with the toxic narcissistic. Once the Cancer comes out of hiding, their mind and heart will be clear, precise and all-knowing. They will leave the narcissist because they will finally realize that the narc is completely incapable of reciprocating  unconditional love.

#2 Gemini

 

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Gemini’s have a child-like innocence to them that makes them somewhat naive. Narcissist prey on their naivety. The optimistic Gemini wants to see the best in others to their own detriment. Gemini’s typically don’t believe what is being shown to them in front of their own eyes until it’s too late.

Gemini is the astrological child of the zodiac. Children are often victimized because they don’t know any better. With age, Gemini’s tend to harden and become more skeptical after they’ve been burned 6 or 7 times.

However, while in their younger years, Gemini’s will often be targeted by narcissist. It is vital that Gemini’s study psychology and become keenly aware of their intuitive abilities at a very young age to prevent becoming prey to narcissism.

Gemini’s must learn to trust their inner voice and avoid situations that can take them off the course of their divine purpose. Like a child, Gemini is very curious and experimental. Their desire to wonder off and try new things makes it very easy for narcissist to take the Gemini out of her comfort zone and into new territory almost effortlessly.

Gemini is a mutable sign, which means that they are flexible and can easily adapt to any situation. The narcissist will take the Gemini on a rollercoaster ride of toxic and euphoric emotions and the Gemini will easily adapt. The Gemini must learn how to stand firm and not just go with the flow. This easy going demeanor they inherently inhabit is what get’s them in trouble.

Gemini is the child of the zodiac and is naturally care-free, avoiding major responsibility and using cleverness to get out of the binds they put themselves in. They will depend on others easily like a child and therefore become codependent in a rather innocent and naive way.

The Gemini will try to “Talk it out,” with the narcissistic using their excellent communication skills, blatant honesty and logic to resolve issues with the narcissist until they realize that trying to reason with a narcissist is like trying to nail jello to a tree. It never works. When the Gemini realizes they can’t talk out their problems with a narcissist, they will begin to slip away and prepare to leave the narc behind.

How Gemini’s can heal from narcissism:

Gemini’s are highly gifted artistically. Mostly in writing, song, lyrical composition and speech. The Gemini should write, sing, rap and create stories to heal from narcissistic abuse. Drawing and painting may help too.

Gemini’s get too caught up in the way people make them feel. One of my favorite Gemini’s Lauren Hill, had a hook on one of her songs that sums up the Gemini’s dilemma, “When it hurts so bad, why does it feel so good?”

Feelings are overrated. However, Gemini judges 80% of their relationships with others based on high chemistry and feelings which are both unsustainable, unreliable and do not determine long-term relationship success.

What the Gemini will learn from dealing with a narcissist is to be less mutable and more fixed when it comes to allowing people to come into their lives and sweep them off their feet. They will learn that when something seems to good to be true, it is usually is. The Gemini will begin to shed their naivety and look at things more skeptically. Although in their child-like minds, full of optimism, wonder, and hope, they will always be more inclined to look at the bright side of people, and the world in general.

The narcissist will hate the fact that they can never, ever steal away the happiness and joy of the Gemini. Their bright beautiful souls are there owns for the keeping. Gemini’s will bounce back from narcissistic abuse like no other Zodiac sign can.

#3 Sagittarius

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Sagittarius have big hearts. This is especially true for the women, not so much the man. Sagittarius is ruled by the planet Jupiter. The largest planet in our solar system. What’s so special about Jupiter is that not only is its size but it’s ability to eat up comets that could destroy other planets.

Jupiter gobbles up planets and large meteors to protect other planets and that is exactly what the optimistic, charismatic, fun-loving Sagittarius does on a daily basis for other people.

The narcissist gravitates towards the bubbly Sagittarius with a strong magnetic force. Narcissist are energy vampires and Sagittarius naturally possess a ton of energy the narcissist can feed upon.

The Sagittarius will give and give until it dawns on them that they are being taken advantage of.

When the Sagittarius realizes they are being taken for a ride, the Sagittarius will take action. Sagittarius is a mutable fire sign which they can easily adapt and handle change. Most Sagittarius will confront the narcissist directly with cutting words that will unmask the narcissist.

At that point, the Sagittarius is aware of the narcissist game and she will begin to enact revenge or leave altogether. Leaving will be very hard for her and it is likely to be drawn out for several years.

She will cheat, fight back, inflict abuse and still continue to love the narcissist because of her inability to see a negative situation for exactly what it is.

The Sagittarius optimism can blind her. The Narcissist uses her positive attitude as a tool to keep her hoping and wishing things will be better.

Sagittarius love the idea of love and they get blindsided by the fairytale instead of paying attention to the nightmare that is unfolding in front of them. They love affection, attention, and validation.

Sagittarius needs to feel secure in a relationship. They do whatever they can to solidify that security. The narcissist uses this against them and dangles a carrot in front of the Sag face just to enjoy the chase.

A narcissist cannot possess a negative, overly critical person. This is why narcissist never gets very far with Virgo’s. Although Virgo’s make up some of the most famous comedians in the world, they have a critical eye that can see the flaws in a person or relationship almost immediately. That is what protects the Virgo. The Sagittarius will benefit from a Virgo friend or parent who can help them gather the strength to leave the narcissist for good. 

It’s simple. By using their mutable gifts to transcend beyond the pain of abuse and turn it into power and courage to move on. 

#4 Aries 

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If you look up the definition of codependency in an online dictionary, a picture of an Aries female will appear.

Aries put love over EVERYTHING. This is both an extraordinary gift and a life-altering curse.

Aries is the ride or die chick the narcissist dreams of possessing. She loves unconditionally. She forgives easily because like a good little codependent she takes the blame for everything the narcissist does to her.

“Maybe I should of lost weight and he wouldn’t have cheated,” Aries says things like that. They will blame their mother, their best friend and even their child for abuse caused by the narcissist just so they can hold on to their relationship for dear life!

Aries is the first sign of the Zodiac. Their astrological age is the infant. It is scientifically proven that infants need love, touch, and affection to survive and thrive.

Aries needs love to survive. Literally! They are pure, innocent, adorable and incredibly open to learning with a spark of curiosity, wonder and genius.

Aries are blessed with being both highly intelligent and artistic. I know, it’s not fair. But who could be mad at them, they are like cute, tiny little infants that we want to hold close and spoil.

Aries loves to be spoiled and the narcissist will love-bomb the Aries and completely sweep her off of her feet in the honeymoon stage of the relationship. The Aries will fall in love fast and furious with the narcissist.

When he begins to show his true colors, the Aries would rather live in denial than face the truth that they got played. The narcissist had his mask on and now it’s off. The Aries continues to believe it’s her fault and she spends every moment trying to figure out what she did wrong and why all of a sudden she is unworthy of his love.

Aries is a Cardinal, fire signs so they will confront the narcissist directly with no filters. However, they will never get the truth. Aries are raw and honest individuals and they can’t quite comprehend why they don’t get direct answers from narcissist when they ask them direct questions.

The Aries will react hostile and in some cases even violently to the narcissistic abuse. The problem is she won’t take corrective action. She only reacts emotionally, not strategically. The narcissist is able to play her like a string because of it.

Corrective action is leaving the narcissist. She won’t leave easily. It will take years or even decades of abuse for her to gather the courage to leave someone she loves because she truly believes she needs this man to survive. Expect the police to be called often because Aries is confrontational.

She may do something out of anger to retaliate against her abuser that could land her in prison. She will make the mistake of neglecting her kids, her friends, her family and her health to be with the man she loves. There are no boundaries. Her harshest lesson is that love is NOT sacrifice. Love is a mutual exchange of energy, respect, honesty, and effort.

How can Aries heal from narcissistic abuse?

Aries is a leader. She is a natural born go-getter. If she summons up her determination to leave the narcissist, she can leave without hesitation for good. She has the power to never look back. People gravitate to her fire, she is a warmth comfort to many on a cold night. There are worthy people waiting to receive her love with total devotion and reciprocity.

If you have a sun or moon sign in any of the signs above, be strong and be brave. Do not let your love and light be taken for granted. It is because you have so much of it, those deprived of it, purposely seek you out.

By Janell Hihi Copyright@2017

 

 

Codependency: Women Who Become The Men They Date

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When it comes to losing themselves in relationships, women seem to do that best. Women are more eager to conform to the lifestyle of the man she loves while he maintains a strong sense of self and stays on his routine.

Women who completely lose themselves in relationships are prone to divorce quicker than a woman who lives an authentic lifestyle despite being married. When codependent women divorce, it is very freeing. They typically blame their husband for the inability to be themselves and become even more entrenched in powerlessness and codependency than before.

I have a friend I went to high school with who was amazing when she was single. She was easy going, didn’t have a huge opinion on social issues nor was she interested in politics. However, every time she started dating a man, her entire life would begin to mimic his.

The codependent Hot Mess!

She would lose herself completely. I started to question whether she ever had a strong sense of self, to begin with. Whatever the man’s political views were she would adopt them, his food preferences, hobbies, and music taste.

My friend would literally turn into the man she was in love with. Often, she became a stranger as she adopted to one new lifestyle after the next depending on what type of man she was in love with.

If I could make up a medical diagnosis for her ever-changing personas, I’d call it Relationship Schizophrenia.

She would change from democrat to republican, a country girl to a city girl, a meat lover to a vegan, an airhead to a scholar, a book hater to a book lover, and a close friend to a distant friend.

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I realized later, that she was severely codependent and as much as I wanted to continue to be her friend, her recent metamorphosis of becoming a borderline alt-right, neoconservative was the straw that broke the camels back. After scrolling down my Facebook timeline reading a very offensive post that degrades and dehumanize African American people, I officially severed ties.

She was one of those spineless women who eagerly became the man she loved. She has lived many different lives, transforming into different women believing that she can somehow when the ultimate acceptance and validation of a man if she became who he was.

I will always cherish the random pockets of time we spent together when she was single and completely at ease with herself, acting on her own authentic beliefs. She was just a hollow girl waiting to be filled by someone, or something.

There’s a wise saying, “Don’t lose yourself to find someone else.” Every time I read it, I am reminded of how easily she abandoned who she was to become a mirror reflection of a man.

Codependency and attachment issues are the typical, underlying issues that create this dynamic of becoming someone other than yourself in relationships. An inherent fear of losing the man you love if you stay true to who you, are causing codependent women to abandon themselves and literally turn into the man she marries.

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Unlike other women who lie about who they are and what they like to do to get a boyfriend, then change back into who they really are after they get comfortable in the relationship, women with Relationship Schizophrenia completely change into another person. They assume another identity permanently, or at least until the relationship ends.

If you have a friend who completely transforms into another entity when she falls in love, please share your story. I am certain you have an off and on again relationship with this friend because when they meet a new man, they drop their goals, routines and girls night out ritual to accommodate their new man’s schedule and preferences. Have you lost yourself in a relationship or know someone who has? Please share your story in the comments below!

 This above all: to thine own self be true, And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any man.” Polonius (Shakespeare).

By Janell Hihi Copyright@2017 All rights reserved.