Losing The Freedom of Naivety

She pondered 

How could she be an equal participant instead of a slave

She wasn’t good at games

And with little desire to learn them

She was often left

Raw with the rub from those strangers

Who scathed her with their hot and shivered her with their cold

But

She wears her naivety like a maid secretly wears the queen’s dress

And her innocence is what provokes the rumbling within the stomach of wolves

Light and airy, unlike us… she refused to carry the wrinkles of pessimism 

Every day she was born anew, oblivious, optimistic, heart open as wide as her welcoming arms

She is

The light we wish we never lost.

 

By Janell Hihi

Copyright@2017

Boring Ambition Lacking the Spark of Connectivity

“There are connections available everywhere according to my wifi advising me to connect to a network. Nothing real though, just surface, superficial, physical, flesh, boring, insincere, small talk, DM’s, social media notifications, wondering if he is evening listening to me or wondering what color are my panties, nails scraping a chalkboard to my fragile ears.” 

Please spare me of the awful plight of your fight in trying to achieve, that journey into becoming who you really are, but the truth is who you really are is buried. You can’t be present with me because all you do is strive to be this ideal of completion but you are already made into something not to be ashamed of. I want to meet you where you are now, not in the futuristic place where you want to be.

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I lived several different lives. The ambitious and overly extracurricular, activist, studious student, the career-oriented single black women determined to stake her claim in the game, a young woman in love, who married young and even took up being a housewife for a year. Every role I accepted graciously like an actress desperate to build her resume’.

Each new life birthed after each death, simultaneously weaving me into who I am now. I’m content but taking the weights off of what’s been repressed through shrewd academia and routine, my imagination, my writing, as natural as my breath inhaling and exhaling.

I’m not excited to try anything anymore unless it’s trying to submit a novel or a screenplay to a major publisher. All else is uncontrollable rubbish that will come and go like the wind and any effort that I put in is irrelevant.

I am at that place in life where I realize, I have no control. I am not freaking out, though, I am at peace and more myself than I have ever been. I often find myself tipping my head up and laughing like a sorcerer or a witch who stopped creating spells to manipulate life’s inevitable ends… Now I just let shit end.

I am no longer going with the flow, I am the flow.

People I meet are boring. They have no fire. They are just ambitious and overly consumed with self. How many people I’ve recently had coffee with or dined with who don’t even see that I am there. They just have a spot they’ve designated for me to fit into their shameless story. Like I have no say in it, oh little do they know. I have no agenda. I am just present with them as they go on and on about where they want to go with their boring ass careers.“Boring damned people. All over the earth. Propagating more boring damned people. What a horror show. The earth swarmed with them.”
Charles Bukowski

The free soul is rare, but you know it when you see it – basically because you feel good, very good, when you are near or with them.” Charles Burkowski

But they don’t see me. I am just there for them to use as some kind of accessory to their narcissism. Like that Rolex my friend just copped.

Not sure where this will go, I am just happy doing it. I am at peace living it. Turning thoughts into little worlds where some may find shelter from the gripping boredom of our lives, made of routine and stupid expectations.

Reality is overrated.

Yeah, you might be driven but you ain’t doing nothing new. Just what society tells you to, just like I was when I was stuck outside myself trying to define myself by my college degree, my presidency in community organizations, my prestigious honor of being a mother, alone and unafraid, but not lonely.

Who

Are

You?

Behind the charade of getting money schemes, fancy titles, talking bout you making a difference but your still a puppet on a string. I crave the presence of trailblazers and innovators… starving for the nectar of realness just so I can be sustained in my determination to just be who I am –

I wither away every time their superficiality scathes my skin – passion zapped out of me and deathly boredom sets in.

No one here is really free.

 

By Janell Hihi

Copyright@2017

 

The Law of Attraction is Complete Bullshit

The law of attraction is complete bullshit. Do poor and innocent children “attract” abusive parents or experiences? Does a woman running outside on a Sunday afternoon “attract” the guy who grabs her into the woods and rapes her?

Attraction, whether it’s negative or positive, is inevitable.  Acceptance of that particular attraction is a choice.

Repeat that as an affirmation daily! 

I attract people to me from all walks of life, cultures, religions, criminal backgrounds with good and bad intentions, does it mean that I accept or deny that attraction?  That depends on whether or not I love myself. If something or someone is attracted to me that will obviously do me harm, my level of self-love will deter it from me almost automatically.

The law of attraction may attract certain people to you by way of vibration, however, the degree of self-love you have will determine whether or not you allow them into your life.

Attracting people to you with ill intent doesn’t necessary mean you have ill intent.

The question is whether or not you have the self-esteem to determine when someone is not good for you and act on that by not allowing them in your life intimately.

It does not mean you have the right to demean or judge them. (Like how I used to do!) You may just need to give a few words of advice, suggest resources or refer them to your ex-psychologist, mentor or pastor.

Perhaps you can be their friend and offer good advice from a distance.

Meeting people who are of a different vibration than you is not so bad. They may be sent to you to learn something and you may be sent to them to give back and humble yourself by lifting others when they are down.

Values are more powerful than attraction.

Attraction is only surface deep. I’m attracted to Red velvet cupcakes with decadent and rich cream cheese frosting, however, my diet and lifestyle will not allow me to eat those cupcakes.

I’m attracted to beautiful handbags at fine retailers, however, I am not foolish enough to put money into designers and corporations who do not support my community.

I may be attracted to a man, but it doesn’t mean I think he is “Husband Material.” Attraction is petty, so the law of attraction is petty. It’s simply a tale of spiritual con-artistry at it’s finest.

Don’ drink the cosmic, 4th-dimensional kool aid.  Love yourself first and no matter what comes your way you will be able to triumph and prosper.

Need some tips and techniques on HOW to love yourself? Download my FREE ebook by clicking here!

The Law of Deciding… Coming soon!

By Janell Hihi

Copyright@2017