If Someone Asks You Why Are You Still Single, Say This.

single

Have you ever met a guy, he seems great, you’re on your first date and he begins to play 21 questions?

After he asks a few normal questions, and he finally hits you with the dreaded question, So, why are you still single?

No one really knows how to answer this question without feeling deliberately put on the spot and slightly embarrassed. Some women even feel insulted or disrespected.

when-your-family-starts-asking-why-are-you-still-single-2303413

First of all, it’s a stupid question. A smart man knows he won’t get an honest answer anyway so he won’t bother asking that inconsiderate question.

A smart man will make a statement instead. He will say, “Your amazing, I’m lucky you’re still single and I have a chance.” There can be several different reasons why your still single, and one of them can be by choice. There is no need to go into great detail as to why your still single because the question is a setup.

This open-ended, loaded and manipulative question is asking you to defend your status of being single. When a person puts you on the defensive they are digging for information about you so they can use that information to get what they want from you.

This question should be dodged and not answered directly. A smart knee-jerk reaction to that dreaded question is answering it with a question. For example, He asks, “Why are you still single?” Instead of answering the question you ask him the same question, “Why are you still single?”

Or instead of asking the same question, ask him a different question. Example ask him, “Why do you think I am still single?” This question will force him to answer you and you can use that information to uncover his motives and how he views you as a woman.

Smart women don’t answer stupid questions.

If the date is not going so well and you’re already highly annoyed by the time they ask you this question then answer like a bitch, “I’m still single because of assholes like you.” Then slam the rest of your drink like a sailor, slam the empty glass on the table, look him in the eye and walk off flipping your hair and swinging your hips like a boss.

Smart women answer stupid questions sarcastically, with a question or with complete and utter deflection. No one needs to know why you’re still single, they just need to be grateful that you are. Otherwise, they wouldn’t have a chance with you.

By Janell Hihi Copyright@2017

Advertisements

Relationships Do Not Provide Security: Unless You’re Married, You Are Still Single

Men in relationships are only committed to being committed to you right now. 

Not in the future, because there are no vows, no engagement rings and parts of your life that are still private, like your residence, and your finances. Don’t let a boyfriend flatter you, only a husband can do that!

Ever noticed on the census bureau that you have 2 or 3 options to choose from when choosing your martial status? It’s either single, married or separated.

There is no option for dating or in a relationship because dating or being in a so-called committed relationship means that you are still single.

If there is no ring on your finger and you haven’t signed the legal marriage licensing paperwork and said your vows, you are still single. The U.S Government doesn’t recognize you as married and neither do I.

Women who date guys for 2 or more years without getting engaged, moving in and splitting expenses or getting married are just dating and fucking these men. There is no commitment to stay together or have children or build a real life together. It’s just going to the movies, going to restaurants, and on occasional trips together.

As far as men are concerned, you need to make it hard for them to win your heart in the beginning and hard for them to leave in the end. Leaving should involve lawyers, paperwork, and hard contemplation.

Prenuptial agreements can’t be narcissistic and one sided, you are always owed something if you raised kids especially if they work a lot and you are stuck doing most of the work raising the child. Stay at home moms should NEVER sign prenups.

I had a boyfriend I was deeply in love with and when it hit 1.5 years of being together, I unapologetically gave his ass an automaton, we either move in together or I leave. We couldn’t get married because he was legally still married but was working on finalizing a bankruptcy to get divorced. I know what your thinking “Bankruptcy!”

Yes, I wasn’t in my right mind at the time but regardless we both had challenging circumstances so I decided to accept his. The relationship needed to move forward but he became reluctant. So I left. Thank God I didn’t waste any more of my time. Neither should you. It is important not to date forever, it’s counterproductive and useless for women.

When it’s all said and done, all the years you spend together, regardless if you live together or have even if you have a kid out of wedlock together, it won’t mean ANYTHING in the end because legally you have NO leverage whatsoever!

So please, ladies stop bragging that you have a man when all you have is a sex partner and someone to get Chinese take out with on the weekends. You really ain’t got shit until you have a ring on your finger.

I was married, I know the power of and importance of marriage for a woman. Commitment is who cool but marriage ensures you don’t waste your time or resources because it ensures you have legal protection.

I am not the one to waste my time, my love and divine energy to just be dated a man for years without protecting my investment with legal marriage.

What’s in it for you to date a guy for years without engagement or marriage?

By Janell Hihi Copyright@2017

The Danger of Gay Men Who Are Afraid to Come Out & How They Affect Families, Communities & Children

United We Stand
United We Stand

Using the national census, Gallup polls, Facebook, dating sites and porno searches, a study from The New York Times estimates that at least 5% of American men are gay, while many are in the closet or quietly suffering in heterosexual marriages — particularly in traditionally conservative states.

I support the freedom of sexuality. I support Gay marriage. I support equality for all.

However, what I do not support is bi-sexual men, not disclosing their sexuality to straight and single heterosexual woman.

I’ve heard countless stories from friends and clients who were married to men who they discovered were down low brothers.

In case you’ve been living under a rock for the last decade, allow me to define what a “Down Low Brother,” is. It’s a gay man who is afraid to come out of the closet and just be gay!

Down low men use heterosexual women as props to uphold the image that they are not gay in public. However, these men don’t love these women and they typically cheat with multiple male gay partners to indulge their true gay sexuality.

This is manipulative, narcissistic, scandalous and dangerous considering the diseases these unsuspecting heterosexual women are being exposed to.

I am very disappointed in the LGBT community for not starting a campaign to address this highly problematic issue to their community.

Instead of encouraging members of the LGBT community that it is their responsibility, to be honest, and disclose their sexuality, the LGBT community plays the victim role and blames our homophobic society for the reason Gay men are afraid to come out of the closet.

closets

A “large number” of gay men are married to women. Google searches suggest millions of wives suspect their husbands of being gay. Especially those who live in very conservative states.

In the United States, of all Google searches that begin “Is my husband…,” the most common word to follow is “gay.” “Gay” is 10 percent more common in such searches than the second-place word, “cheating.” It is 8 times more common than “an alcoholic” and 10 times more common than “depressed.” The states with the highest percentage of women asking this question are South Carolina and Louisiana. In fact, in 21 of the 25 states where this question is most frequently asked, support for gay marriage is lower than the national average.

I often hear excuses like, “The black community is too homophobic, it’s dangerous to come out of the closet.” or My family won’t understand, my father would disown me.

The absolute worst excuse for not coming out is, “I am afraid to hurt my wife, girlfriend or children.”

Everyone is responsible for sexual transparency. Gay men do not get a free pass just because they are afraid to come out. If you are secretly gay and living a lie, you are intentionally hurting other people and you should be held accountable for your actions.

If a man is Gay, and he does not disclose his sexuality to the women he is dating, married to or in a relationship with, he should be held legally accountable for that.

no-photos-1500x632

As far as black women are concerned, since black men tend to hide their Gay sexuality on a larger scale, I would even go as far as saying if your going to get married, add a clause in your marriage contract if you find out your husband is hiding the fact that he is Gay or Bi-sexual.

If you find out while you’re married he’s been lying about his sexuality, he should be sued for everything he has! All property, assets and even alimony should be rewarded to the spouse who has to bear the cost of the hurt, pain, and betrayal of being married to a down low brother.

The issue I have is that Gay people believe that once they come out, they should get a damn reward or something, regardless of who they’ve been lying to their whole life and who they betrayed in the process of keeping their real sexuality a secret. I call it the Caitlin Jenner affect.

Why should anyone be rewarded for lying about who they really are their ENTIRE LIFE?

The character of a person is important despite their sexual orientation. If you are a lying, cheating, down low brother, you are not a good person! Being afraid to come out of the closet is no excuse for being a liar!

I recently met a guy who I believe is secretly gay. He won’t come out because he’s an asshole. It has nothing to do with him being afraid of coming out.

His mother suspects he is gay, and she even asked him. Of course, he denied it. He continues to battle with his own sexuality more than likely sleeping with both men and women in the process.

Exposing women to HIV, carelessly while selfishly getting sex from both genders. These types of people should be prosecuted by the law, just like a person who knows they have AIDS and sleeps with people without disclosing that information upfront.

We need to start holding down low brothers accountable for their selfish actions instead of feeling sorry for them. To all my gay friends who are proud of their sexuality and will tell you in 1.2 seconds, they are Gay with no shame or remorse, I commend you. 

Not to mention, Gay men who are married to women and have children literally devastate their kids with their sudden bravery to come out of the closet.

kids

Had they been honest from the beginning, there would be no marriage and no kid to hurt! I am not sure how kids recover from the betrayal of their fathers. It’s devastating to find out your father was hiding such a big part of himself from you.

Openly gay people are honest, courageous and overall good people of good character. I have to respect that. But for those afraid to come out who are lying to single, heterosexual women while exposing them to disease and heartbreak, I am coming for you and my wrath is not made of pity but rather the highest form of prosecution the law can uphold against you!

Be yourself, trust me, many people already suspect that you are gay, so coming out won’t surprise as many people as you think it will.

By Janell Hihi Copyright@2016

Outcome Anxiety: How to Stop Worrying about What Might Happen

Anxiety-Symptoms

There are several different types of anxiety. Most anxiety revolves around uncontrollable worrying. When we worry, it stems from fear or anxiety regarding how something will turn out in the end.

For example, if you go on a first date with your crush before the date you worry about how you look, what you will wear, how you should do your hair and make-up, etc.,

During the date, you worry about how you are coming across to your date. Most people want to control the impressions others have of them while dating instead of just enjoying the date and going with the flow.

Anxiety is about wanting to always be in control. 

Outcome anxiety is an obsession with outcomes. After the date with your crush, you begin to worry if they like you or not, or when they will call or text you again to ask you on another date.

Outcome anxiety is the inability to just let things be.

The only cure for outcome anxiety is faith, trust in yourself and meditation. I suffered anxiety attacks a few years ago from overwhelming stress from problems in every area of my life. I did not allow myself to heal from my divorce and I got involved with people who took advantage of my weakness and vulnerability.

Meditation

meditate

I started to meditate again. I made it a priority to put myself first! I scheduled meditation time so that I could sit quietly and observe my thoughts. My thoughts were out of control!

What I learned about meditation was that meditation does NOT stop you from thinking. It detaches you from believing every thought that goes through your head.

Anxiety takes place when what we think revolves around our fears and we believe those thoughts and let them wreak havoc on our lives. It starts out mental and then it turns physical as our chest tightens, our heart starts beating out of control and our breathing becomes rapid and shallow.

Meditation allows you to watch your thoughts like your watching a movie. It allows you to be detached from your mind. While doing this you realize you are not your mind and everything you think can’t be taken seriously.

Don’t take your thoughts seriously. Do not think that you can stop yourself from thinking either. Your mind is separate from your being and it will never stop thinking. Don’t try to control your mind, just observe it and only take thoughts that serve you well seriously and let the toxic and fear based thoughts go.

Fear cannot be eliminated from our lives. We feel the fear and do what we have to do anyways. People don’t get over fears, they fight through fears. This takes courage but it’s not impossible. People fight through fears every day. Don’t allow fear to take over your mind because if you do, anxiety will be an everyday part of your life.

Faith

Faith-quote

Faith can move mountains. Literally! Learning how to have faith has been the most difficult task in my life. I am a very cerebral and intellectual individual and faith requires a level of spiritually I did not easily succumb to. This was to my own detriment. I learned the hard way that I must have faith otherwise anxiety would take it’s place.

Faith is believing good will happen despite your current circumstances. 

Faith is trusting the process and believing that despite what happens, it was for the best. Some things are not meant to be and that is okay. Faith is reassurance that regardless if things go left or not, there is a greater plan at work. Faith is looking at the big picture and not allowing the little setbacks we encounter to take us off our mission.

Faith is noticing the negative but not FOCUSING on the negative.

Anxiety outcome requires you to realign your focus to the positive instead of the negative. It doesn’t mean you do not acknowledge negativity as it occurs, it means that you become solution oriented and try to tackle those problems rather than imagining they are bigger than they actually are which induces anxiety.

Self Trust

Self-Confidence-1-MGN-AFRICA-WordPress.com_

If you believe you can’t handle pain, uncertainty or disappointment, you will live your entire life within the strong grips of anxiety.

Self-trust is confidence. Confident people believe that despite who rejects them or who leaves them, they are still fabulous and capable of finding love with someone else. Confident people aren’t afraid to role the dice and lose because they don’t focus on loss as an outcome, they focus on winning. If they lose, they shake it off and learn from the experience.

Confident people think positively. They focus on what great things could happen instead of what bad things could happen in any situation.

Do you trust yourself? Do you feel if something goes wrong you will die of despair, heartbreak, and loneliness? Being negative is being dramatic! Somethings just don’t workout, I had to keep repeating this to myself until I believed it.

My life has changed because I make meditation a practice, I have faith good things will happen despite my circumstances and I trust myself enough to know that if the outcome is not as I expected, some things are just not meant to be and something better is coming!

I no longer suffer from anxiety. I let go of the need to control outcomes and whatever shall be, will be. Regardless of any outcome from any situation, I know that I am strong enough to accept it, deal with it and grow from it.

Namaste

by Janell Hihi Copyright@2017

Stealing Light: The Cycle of Narcissism

energy vamp

There are two types of narcissist, the conscious and unconscious. Those who are consciously aware of their evil and destructive pathology, and those who are not aware of their vile and destructive behavior. The unconscious narcissist is completely oblivious to his own condition whereas the conscious narcissist is deliberate and calculating.

Both conscious and unconscious narcissist are equally destructive.

Victims of abuse and neglect can become narcissist and the cycle of abuse is repeated. A few months ago I seen the movie Split. It’s a thriller about a psychopath who suffered psychologically trauma as a child. He developed multiple personality disorder and kidnapped a few girls. His rage from his abuse was left untreated for too long and he was so enraged evil and demonic entities entered him.

Abuse opens up a gateway and evil is released through vile behavior acted out by human beings.

More than likely, the unconscious narcissist was abused by a caregiver or a stranger and when the abuse took place, their light was stolen by the abusive and predatory narcissist who took something from the victim without permission.

Violators steal light. 

They charge through others boundaries like a raging bull who see’s red. They believe they are empty inside because someone took something from them at a very young and tender age. They were not able to defend themselves and there was no one around to save them when the abuse took place.

Statistically, the judicial system fails to protect victims of abuse and more than likely justice is never served. This creates, even more, fear, hatred, anger and powerlessness within victims of abuse.

As a result, the victims feel an internal deficit. They are dim and in search of the light that was taken from them. 

The only way they feel they can obtain the light that they lost is by stealing it from others because that is how it was taken from them. Once they begin stealing light from others, the high is similar to a drug addict getting his fix.  When justice is not served on behalf of victims within our judicial system, anger festers and it is transmuted into resentment. Resentment seeks vengeance

Resentment seeks vengeance and initiates the cycle of abuse. If the narcissist who was abused doesn’t have children of their own to abuse, they will abuse others. They will seek out the vulnerable and they have a sixth sense in identifying them because they remember how it felt being vulnerable, powerless and an easy target of abuse. They like to work in schools, daycares, old folks homes or with people who have disabilities.

Narcisssist seek out single mothers to target and abuse their children. Every part of their life is set up to be in close proximity of people who are vulnerable, naive and full of life force, positive energy that narcissist can extract.

Untreated victims of abuse whose violators were never punished seek revenge. They morph into what they hate, an abuser! This is not the case for all victims of abuse, but it is true for some. An endless cycle of abuse is created and child abuse and spousal abuse continues it’s dreadful saga.

The powerless need to derive power from others by abusing them. This is true in every aspect of reality. If you’ve ever had a narcissistic manager, which I am certain you have because narcissist seeks careers in management and law enforcement where they can exercise power and dominance over others daily.

Narcissistic managers have a past. They have a story of abuse and victimization. Something happened to them that stole their light and now they make it a priority to extract light from you in every way possible the entire duration of your shift at work.

Being an empath, every time I am in the presence of a narcissist, I see right past their abusive behavior and I see a scared and defensive child, seething in the pain of neglect, abuse, abandonment and anger. I sympathize with the innocence that was stolen from them immediately. However, I no longer let my sympathy allow them to steal my light.

I have strong boundaries narcissist cannot break. I do not allow my smpathy towards them to enslave me into a savior role. I know that I cannot save them. However, I do know that I can point them in the right direction towards healing.

Every victim of abuse who turns narcissist needs to learn and practice the ancient art of mental transmutation.

“Mind may be transmuted, from state to state; degree to degree; condition to condition; pole to pole; vibration to vibration. True Hermatic Transmutation is a mental art.

Turning pain into power is your only refuge. It’s the only way to recognize your light is infinite and it was never stolen, you were forced to believe it was.

Instead of allowing the narcissist to steal my light, I give it to them willingly. This means before they try to extract it from me, I send healing and positive energy to them. Burglars who are greeted at the door of the house they’ve been plotting to rob with gifts would be immediately neutralized of their desire to steal. In subtle ways, I let the narcissist know that I am intuitively aware that they are suffering.

I invite them to like my “Kids Lives Matter,” page on Facebook, I let them know that I advocate for abused children. I speak to the broken child within them and do not allow their charm or persuasive ways to manipulate me or alter the course of my life.

I know that they can’t steal my light if I do not allow it! I trust my intuition and I am guided by my instincts. Therefore, I am not able to be used as an accessory to the narcissist. 

I protect the vulnerable. I protect my child from predatory influences, I protect my light not by hiding or protecting it, but by giving it freely to those who have been dimmed and robbed of their own.

I am a radiating fountain of endless light and those who need it can absorb it. If you know you are a source of infinite good will, you will know that your light can never, ever be taken! Other’s may try to steal from it but the flow never stops. Your soul is self-replenishing and it replaces the light that is stolen. I guess what I am here to tell victims of abuse is, they didn’t steal your light, you are not dim, you are an infinite fountain flowing with light and that belief allows you to heal from abuse.

The abuser’s goal was to disconnect you from infinite flow and infinite source by planting the seed of worthlessness, lack and deficit within your being. Pull that seed from the dirt and do not allow it to flower. It’s a lie!

Being replenished with light starts with a simple belief and that is; your divinity can never be depleted, to begin with.

Your light is still there. Stop the cycle of narcissistic abuse.

By Janell Hihi

Copyright@2017

Dating a Man Whose Mother Abandoned Him

abandoned

Definition of Maternal Abandonment

Abandonment occurs when a mother physically, emotionally or psychologically removes herself from her children. She does this by ending or ignoring her responsibility to parent her children, or ending her relationship with her children, according to Peter Gerlach, MSW.

I have a nephew who is in his late twenties now. His mother was in and out of his life as a child. His mother was my sister and I saw the way her behavior wretched his heart and shaped his psychological outlook.

Not only was his mother an on again off again parent, but his father was in prison. My mother, who is his grandmother had to take care of him most of his life.

I remember hating my sister for treating her son as if he was a revolving door. As if, her behavior would have no profound effect on his ability to sustain love and relationships when he got older. I look at him today, as a grown man but still see a very hurt child. I want to bring him to the water so that he can heal and be quenched of his thirst for the love that was supposed to be rightfully given to him from his mother but never was.

There is a gaping deficit, I can feel the pain in his energy when I am around him. It is stiff, stubborn and a ghostly shadow that relentlessly follows him. I want him to heal, but who or what could fill such a void that is empty of a mother’s love? Is there even a substitute?  I know many who are abandoned and live in that nightmare every day. They want to bring others into it because it’s scary living in a nightmare alone.

I saw my nephew grow up and I remember the times I confronted my sister as a teenager because her son would come to me crying, “Auntie, my mom is on drugs again.” I still cannot comprehend how a mother abandons her own children. If I cannot comprehend the act I cannot comprehend the awful consequences.

Unfortunately, there are lots of wounded little boys who did not receive the nurturing love and care from their mothers. These men feel secondary as if they weren’t good enough to be loved. These boys grow up into men who deal with awful attachment and abandonment issues. They either cling to lovers or remain aloof, unattached and afraid to get too close.

Men with abandonment issues are extremist. They either cling to women or are very detached from women and fearful of commitment. There is no grey area, just a constant imbalance and an ongoing shift between the two extremes.

We all have our demons. However, if you choose to deal with a man who has unresolved attachment issues, be ready to deal with a lot of back and forth, hot and cold behavior on his behalf. Unless he has had the proper counseling to deal with his abandonment issues, he will subconsciously try to work them out in his dealings with you and it can turn ugly fast!

Though they are aware that their constant fear of being left is not the fault of those who are still in their lives, letting go of the paranoia of abandonment is not an easy task. It is a habitual and subconscious thought process that can take years of therapy to fix. Even with therapy abandonment will always be a chink in this man’s armor.

People with abandonment issues are good at leaving. They walk away faster than you can yell, “Wait!” They want to leave you before you get the chance to leave them because watching a person walk out of their life first is too much of a reminder of their mother or father walking out of their life as a child.

It’s like kicking an unhealed wound, and it really hurts. Like many of us, the man with abandonment issues wants to avoid feeling pain at any cost so he makes it a point to leave you first!

He may come back, only to leave again when you try to get close to him or when he feels that you might leave him again. His back and forth action is provoked by hope and fear.

Encouraging counseling and even offering to go with him is the only way you will be able to have a healthy relationship with this person.

It is very important to ask men you are dating to tell you about their childhood and their relationship with their mother. Asking in a curious way that is playful and non-threatening is the best approach.

What causes a man to have abandonment issues?

  • Childhood abuse
  • Narcissistic parent(s)
  • Mother abandoned him
  • Absent father
  • Emotional abuse from parents/family as a child
  • Neglect as a child
  • Previous abusive relationships
  • Alcoholic or drug addicted parents
  • Adopted children
  • Death of a parent as a child
  • Emotionally unavailable caretakers
  • Being African American and the ill and devastating effects of oppression on families.
  • Divorced parents
  • Epigenetics – DNA you received from a parent who also had abandonment issues. It is now scientifically proven that trauma is passed on to offspring via DNA. I like to refer to it as family karma.

Do you suspect your love interest has abandonment issues? Below are a few signs to confirm your suspicion.

  1. He moves too fast. Healthy relationships have a normal progression. If you date a guy who just met you but text and call you 5 times a day, he has abandonment issues. He may smother you with attention and begin to turn you off.
  2. He is hot & cold. His words don’t match his actions. One minute he’s hot for you and the next minute he forgets you exist. The confusion will wreak havoc on your life, is it really worth dealing with?
  3. He’s a player. Men don’t tell you they are lying cheats, you usually just find out. If you trust your instincts as a woman you will know right away! Men with abandonment issues that were caused by their mother have a lot of pent up animosity against women. They don’t like women and they want to hurt women because the first lady in their life hurt them badly. The player takes pride in lying to you, abusing your trust and betraying you because he feels like he is getting back at his mother. I know it’s twisted but it’s the truth!
  4. He is incredibly selfish. A healthy amount of selfishness is needed to progress in life but men with abandonment issues take being selfish into an entirely new and narcissistic level. He is overly concerned with his own life, desires, and career goals because he feels that investing in people will leave him out in the cold like his momma did. Investing in himself, his careers and personal goals are safer. He will barely listen when you talk and never go out of his way to show you that you are unique or special to him.
  5. He expects perfection. It is sad and unfortunate that most men who were abandoned by their mothers internalize false truths. They believe that their mother left them as a child because they weren’t good enough. Similar to how abused women feel when they allow a man to beat on them. As a result of not feeling good enough to be loved, he makes it a priority to be perfect in every area of his life. He is an overachiever. He expects that his girlfriend is also perfect in return and one little flaw in her can completely turn him off. He lives in an illusion.
  6. He’s insecure. He really doesn’t believe that you love him or that you will stay. He thinks he’s not good enough to be loved so that anything can along and stop you from loving him. If you get promoted he thinks you’ll leave, if you hang out with your friends, he thinks you will leave, if you get a new haircut he thinks your trying to impress a male co-worker, if you are having a bad day he will assume responsibility for that think it is his fault.

If you can handle the pain, confusion and off and on again dynamic of dealing with a guy with abandonment issues, more power to you! Unfortunately, I had emotionally unavailable parents and I had to work out my own issues of abandonment by myself. I didn’t want to drag people into my hell anymore. It was my salvation I had to work out and I did. Now I am better for it. My advice, point him in the direction of healing and don’t involve yourself until you see that he is actively getting the help he needs.

Namaste

By Janell Hihi

Copyright@2016

Serena Williams Contradictory Statements About Race

serena23

Being that Serena recently made a point of saying that her white fiancé treated her “better than black men” after she also pointed out that “race was not an issue” in who she dates, should she, or we, be surprised when IIle Nastase made the following statement regarding Serena’s unborn child?

“”Let’s see what colour it has. Chocolate with milk?” Nastase said of the unborn baby,” per the Guardian‘s Lawrence Ostlere.

Previously, Serena made it a point to say the following regarding her relationship with her fiance’

“When I date someone I never see color,” Serena said, “I date who I have chemistry with, but I must say Alexis has treated me better than any Black man I have dated.”

It’s amazing to me how if color doesn’t matter, why would she even make such a statement? Be with who makes you happy, but why justify who you are marrying by degrading the men or women of your own race?

Serena dated rappers in the past. Although the rapper Common was considered a conscious rapper, he is still a rapper. We are all aware entertainers have quite the reputation when it comes to women despite their skin color. She has also been rumored to date rapper Drake as well as former NFL linebacker Lamar Arrington and basketball star Amare Stoudemire.

serena55

Serena completely contradicts herself and if she is truly blind to color she should evaluate her own statements specifically pointing out the race of men she has been With in the past in a derogatory way.

You can’t state in one breath you don’t see color, then in the next breathe make a socially racist comment against black men. Sure black men have hurt me in the past too, but I recognize my part in the demise of those relationships and I understand that black men don’t need anymore negative, generalized stereotypes of their character by mainstream moguls like Serena that further damage the deteriorating relationship between black men and black women.

Love who you love not because other men in your race hurt you, but just because you love them and nothing else. We should steer clear of comparing our non black boyfriends & girlfriends to our black partners by pointing out their race as some indication of how they treat women. We should compare past lovers only by their character. Of course, that is what truly color blind people do.

Serena continues with her contradictory rant in her response to IIle Nastase comment about her child with the following response (Note below that she states that she doesn’t respond to negativity and she only gives off positivity and light in every situation, yet she mentioned above that her fiance’ treats her better than any black men has treated her in the past).

Serena’s response:

serena2

Lala & Anthony Carmello Separate: The Importance of Love & The Underrated Power of Lust.

lala

Chris Rock once said. “A man is as faithful as his options.”

Exactly what are we signing up for when we marry a man who has money and power? Is cheating to be expected? If so, how do we react once it actually happens?

It still hurts like hell, the sting of betrayal. Especially when another woman is supposedly pregnant by your husband or boyfriend.

Is there a way to get past the heartbreak if we acknowledge that one of the side effects of dating a star athlete or business mogul is accepting the bitter truth that he may step out on us for the simple fact that so many women are throwing themselves at powerful men every day?

Regardless of how beautiful, smart, talented or successful you are, a man who can easily cheat probably will. The polygamous nature of men, and how they are easily blinded by lust and physical pleasure can lure them into the beds of many women. Sorry ladies, no matter how many Butt implants you get, that won’t stop a man who is capable of swaying from going off and cheating.

Sometimes, a woman has to focus on their health, her children and her careers. We can’t give a man all of us, all the time. However, there is an expectation that we should. All of these expectations rooted in the illusion of commitment exclude the laws of human nature. People want attention but cannot get it all the time and because they are told they are supposed to get it all the time, when they lack it they feel justified in getting it from someone else.

The only thing we should be committed to in a relationship is learning and growing together. We should not be committed to expectations. Instead, we should be committed to working the problems as they arise. I’ve witnessed this, my parents are about to celebrate their 50th anniversary. It wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows.

You either get through or get out! There is no other way. People just don’t become perfect once they get married, they still have flaws so expect them to hurt you and expect them to fuck up. If you can’t grow with them you can’t go with them. What is it going to be? Be a realist, not an optimist and you can grow from love instead of being scared and broken-hearted from the lessons it will inevitably bestow upon you.

If you want a fairytale, wait in line. I might warn you that the knight in shining armour will never arrive and you’ll be waiting in line your whole life.

I don’t know a solution to this problem. I just know that betrayal hurts like hell. The sudden sting of betrayal that sparks within us insecurities. Our thoughts provoke us to ask ourselves, “Am I good enough?” and “What did I do wrong?”

Yet these questions are so off base when we do not consider the desire of some men to languish in variety just because they can.

I hope Lala and Carmello can work it out because of the silent contract they made when their eyes met and they knew subconsciously this day will come. Lust tramples over loyalty every day,  leaving her destitute, stranded and abandoned. Is desire more important than commitment? In some situations, yes! In the heat of the moment, when he can taste something new, that commitment he made to you fades into the dark.

The thirst for men and women to explore is suppressed and people cheat. I am not justifying cheating, I am merely pointing out the fact that we cannot be honest with ourselves or our partners about our dark sides. Instead, we hide in illusions of loyalty that keep us from dealing with our true nature.

You know, that Yin part of the Yang that craves to step out and go play. I personally hate the smothering aspect of marriage and relationships. I am organically detached and despise routine, boredom settles in me almost immediately.

Although I don’t cheat, I need space to ensure I am not losing that child-like curiosity in me who wants to be alone to play. To read, to hang out with friends, to walk in the woods alone, to sleep on the sofa sometimes because I don’t want a warm body next to me. To throw a wrench of color in the mundane gray of everyday schedules, Good morning text and taco’s every Tuesday. Tonight I am not cooking – I’m at the bar chopping it up with the bartender, eat a sandwich and let me be! I’ll be home soon enough.

I need to be able to disappear for days without being held accountable. Freedom is higher than love to me. Freedom is better. Cheating is for cowards who can’t assert their need for exploration. It’s for those who are afraid to say what they really want to say and that is that they are bored, tired and a little unsatisfied.

Imagine if we could have those honest conversations…

Love is stronger than lust. But lust is very powerful in the moment – Lust is a present moment phenomenon that traps us – very little men are strong enough to escape her tantalizing grip.

How do we maintain lust in marriages and relationships? SPACE. Create space – miss each other – never stop being yourself – morph into a new you every year to keep your partner guessing – grow! It’s very attractive.

What can we learn from betrayal?

We can learn that we are not being honest with ourselves or others. We learn that we are imperfect. We learn that lust wins sometimes despite the strength of the love we have for others.

By Janell Hihi

Copyright@2017

 

 

5 Rules Every Woman Should Know About Casual Sex

It’s easy to find a guy to hook up with you but it is not easy to find a man who wants to date you. It’s essential that you know the difference.

The hook-up culture is too accessible. It’s overly abundant and cheap. Every girl, no matter how attractive, intelligent or interesting, has at least 3 guys in her contact list she can call if she needs sex.

bill

More than likely, she has at least one casual sex partner she uses to get by and maintain her sanity. She knows that relationship is going nowhere and she is cool with that. However, when she continues to meet men who also give off the casual sex vibe, she has no real desire to allow them to pursue her.

Sex comes very easily to women. What humors me is that men still have a hard time realizing that if all their offering is dick served on a plastic platter, so is John, Dustin, James and Damien.

Women, unlike men, seek more than the physical aspect of relationships. The reason for this is women are constantly approached with sexual innuendo’s and human nature is to only appreciate that which is scarce.

Therefore, women desire relationships more than men because it is harder to attain than sex. We want what we can’t have.

Casual sex actually gives women the upper hand. I’ve spoken to several men who once believed that casual sex worked in their favor but that only works with extremely promiscuous women.

Women are typically more satisfied with one sex partner. Men, on the other hand, can have several sex partners and still not be satisfied.

Casual sex is not for everyone, but most people do not find out if they can handle it until after they try it. 

hahaha

Some men have become hip to the game and they are more manipulative in their approach. They act as if they want a relationship with you by choice of words and allocation of their attention but when it comes to their actions or lack thereof, their intentions become glaringly clear.

Casual sex is necessary sometimes.

If you do not already have a fuck buddy, (most people already do) and you do not desire a serious relationship, go ahead and indulge. However, I would recommend that it stays on your terms only!

Being used and using others is too entirely different concepts when it comes to no strings attached sex. If all you want is the booty, get it when it is convenient for you, not for him.

Do not interrupt plans in your life to accommodate a casual sex escapade. Instead, make the fuck buddy prospect work around your needs, your schedule, and your convenience.

texting-girls_1360081710

First of all, what constitutes as casual sex:

  1. Late night texts, asking to come over.
  2. When a guy barely knows you and ask if you want to come over and Netflix and chill or drink a bottle (alcohol) at his house…
  3. All your dates consist of eating food at restaurants, or drinking at bars and going back to his place to finish the night off with sex.
  4. He doesn’t show interest in your life but is very physically attracted to you.
  5. Or he does show interest in your life at a minimum just so he can keep getting some ass on a bi-weekly basis.
  6. He doesn’t ask you out on real dates, only restaurants, bars and chilling at his house.
  7. He tells you straight up he does not want a relationship.
  8. Text are shallow. He may text you every day but there is no substance to his communication. It’s always surface, small talk like, “How are you?” – “Hey” etc., when you talk over the phone it’s about the weather or something minuscule and lacking intimacy. He doesn’t really ask questions to get to know you.
  9. If the relationship isn’t progressing in any way shape or form after 3 months.
  10. If you feel like you still don’t really know them, and he is not sharing his life with you after several months of eating out, drinking and sleeping together, it’s just casual sex.
  11. If 4 months roll by and you haven’t met a single friend, co-worker or relative, it’s just casual sex.
  12. If he is consistently hot and cold with you, meaning one day he is affectionate and the other day he is distant and cold. It’s just casual sex. People who like you are consistent in their behavior for the most part.
  13. If he just got out of a relationship, you are the transitional booty that is helping him with his sexual withdraws he’s experienced from his recent breakup.

Below are some tips on how to have successful casual sex relations without being used.

Tip# 1 Only answer booty calls/texts when you feel like it. If you’re tired from working all day. Send him to voicemail if he calls wanting sex and you’re not up for it. What he wants doesn’t matter. The number one rule of casual sex is to be selfish and look out for your own interest. It’s about when you want sex, not when they want it. You have no obligation to be accommodating to a booty call. What’s really nice is you do not have to provide any explanations when you don’t feel like hooking up.

Casual sex partners just have this understanding. If you do come across a guy who is pushy and demanding, wanting sex only when he wants it he gets angry when you don’t answer the phone, find a different casual sex partner. He wants a prostitute at his beck and call and there are services he can buy from neighborhood pimps that would be more to his liking

What makes women feel used from casual sex is when they allow themselves to be at the man’s beck and call.

Meaning, when he wants sex he calls you and you deliver but when you want sex you don’t call him because he doesn’t respond. If he only wants it when he wants it, it’s not casual sex, it’s just another case of a girl being used. Casual sex occurs when both parties dictate when the action happens. It should be mutual, not one-sided. If he can’t put out when you demand, there is no mutual exchange of energy and I would suggest you find a new bed buddy.

Tip #2   Know the appropriate time to contact your Sex buddy for action. A great time to indulge in casual sex is after a great date with a guy you really like. A guy who is relationship material. Instead of going home with the new guy, take your time and really get to know him in the next few months before being intimate. Use your sex buddy to satisfy your hormones and keep them under control. I’d say the day before or the day after a great day with a guy you like is a good time to get it in with a casual sex partner so that you remain in control of yourself and relaxed while dating the guy you really like.

I’d say the day before or the day after a great date with a guy you like is a good time to get it in with a casual sex partner so that you remain in control of yourself and relaxed while dating the guy you really like.

Another great time to have Casual sex is when the weather is bad and there is nothing to do. Send him a text, either he is down to come over or not. 

When a date cancels on you, call or text your fall back boy, perhaps the two of you can go grab food and drinks at the local bar and go to his place for sex afterward.

Tip#3  Never take it personally when your Casual sex partner flakes on you. Never take it personally if he doesn’t answer booty call request text messages. He has NO obligation to you, so just find something or someone else to do. Casual sex can teach women that sex is an isolated act. It teaches women how to detach from sex. Most women attach feelings and emotions to sex that can be out of context. Casual sex allows the women to experience the detachment men feel with sex. It teaches women that sex is just a physical act, and the heart is an entirely different beast to tame.

Women who think they can use sex as a bargaining tool to get a guy to commit is not in touch with the current times. More than likely, he has a few fallback girls he is sexing while dating you. Your body is not the best part of you! Women who believe that their sex is the most valuable thing they can give to a guy, often try to use it as a weapon and that never works out for them in the end. I am not promoting promiscuity nor am I promoting using sex as a weapon. There is a balance between the two extremes woman should strive to achieve.

This dysfunctional way of thinking allows you to believe once you give a man sex you give him your power. This is only true if you believe it to be.

You’re heart is  the most precious thing you can give to a man.

Tip#4  Understand what you can learn from casual sex. Casual sex teaches women that for a man to desire her sexually, means nothing at all. It just means he wants sex, he doesn’t necessarily want her. This knowledge is key on the dating scene. It gives the woman the intuitive knowledge to recognize real intimacy, love and relationship material men when they approach her.

Casual sex also teaches women how to decompartmentalize. Often women confuse sex with love because the hormones that are released into our body after sex creates a feeling of infatuation and euphoria.

Often women confuse sex with love because the hormones that are released into our body after sex creates a feeling of infatuation and euphoria.

To know thyself is the greatest knowledge one can ever attain. Knowing that those hormones after sex are just hormones and have nothing to do with the sanctity of real love teaches us how to defy our own biology. Use this knowledge with caution…

Tip#5  Casual sex has an expiration date. You can’t keep a casual sex partner around forever! I’d say 3 to 6 months max. You want to avoid getting too comfortable with them where your spending prime weekend time hooking up with them when you could be out on the town or online prospecting for a real life partner. Know when to stop, if not you could be formulating an addiction which is a hindrance to your quest to find real love.

A good time to cut off a casual sex partner is when you meet someone you really like and have dated them over four months without them showing any major red flags. Soon you will be seeking intimacy with them instead of your fallback guy so it’s best to cut losses and prepare for potentially finding real love!

Casual sex on your terms is the only casual sex you should be having as a woman. 

Have fun and be safe!

Namaste.

by Janell Hihi

Copyright@2017

 

7 Early Signs You are Dating a Narcissist

Narcissistic abuse is insidious, like a poisonous gas that is odorless and invisible to the naked eye.

It creeps up on you like a shadow and craves your fear, not your love. Narcissist collects people like accessories to wear them to embellish their self-image. As soon as the accessory starts to realize the narcissist ill intentions, the narcissist tosses the accessory to the side to find a new one.

No one wants to be in a relationship and feel like they are easily disposable but that is exactly what you will get if you date a narcissist.

I’d rather be proactive than reactive any day! So, what are the early signs the new hot guy or girl your dating may be a narcissist?

I have listed several of them below. However, if you are so thirsty for love that you refuse to see the reality of a situation, the tell-tell signs below won’t save you from the destruction the narcissist is bound to put you through.

The ability to be present and mindful while dating is what will save you from the narcissist. Learning how to be keenly aware of the energy others emit and making a heart centered decision on whether or not the person you are dating will have the privilege of being in your life.

“If you are dating without purpose and from an empty vessel and seeking validation from a man… you are fish in the net for a narcissist.”

Perhaps, the narcissist is here to teach you a lesson. The narcissist will enter into your life when your self-love is low and your boundaries are weak just to teach you a lesson. The lesson is, you have to love yourself first and being happy is a choice, it can’t be found in a relationship.

Keep in mind, you will continue to meet narcissist while your dating. However, your level of self-esteem will determine whether or not you continue seeing them or get rid of them right away!

Self-love is determined by how you treat yourself and how you allow others to treat you!

1. Dominate Conversations:

therapy

On your very first date, you will notice how they drive conversation topics revolving themselves, their accomplishments, future goals, like, dislikes and preferences. Most of the rubbish they talk about is superficial. They just can’t be deep because there is no depth to them. Every time you try to insert your opinion, preferences or share information regarding yourself, they quickly redirect the conversation back to them or minimize whatever it is you shared with them. They show an obvious disinterest in ANYTHING you say that doesn’t revolve around them!

2. They are too confident

Narcs come off as way too self-confident, almost cocky. The first few dates this will appear very attractive to you. However, on the third date, it will annoy you to no end. The issue is they are not confident, they are incredibly insecure and trying to disguise it by being a little too sure of themselves. You will start to notice there is something very generic and inauthentic about them.

3. They Come on Too Strong then quickly become disinterested.

jay z

The narcissist starts off flooding you with attention. It’s charming and fun the first few weeks, then it becomes overbearing and annoying soon after. They idolize you then they despise you! This can happen in a few week span. It’s very bi-polar like and confusing. Instead of letting a relationship slowly and naturally progress, they take off full speed and then crash and burn. If he’s moving too fast and doing too much too soon, he’s probably a narcissist.

4. They can’t take a joke and lack a general sense of humor.

lol.jpg

The best way to discover if you’re on a date with a narcissist is to make a cute little joke at their expense. Mentally healthy people can laugh at themselves. However, narcissist can’t handle minuscule jokes being directed towards them. Tell the joke, (Not a harsh joke) gauge their reaction. If they don’t laugh and they look at you completely dumbfounded then proceed to ask you to explain the joke because “They don’t get it,” You are in fact, dealing with a narcissist!

5. Lacks Empathy

nodody.gif

If you walk past a homeless man begging for money on the side of the road on your way to the restaurant together, and the guy you’re with says something very cruel about the homeless man, more than likely, this man has no empathy! If you want to test to see if someone has empathy. Tell them a brief story about something that happened to you and see if they say something empathetic or if they say something judgemental. The narcissist believes perfection exist and they are the epitome of it. So they expect you and everyone else to also be perfect and when you fall short of perfection they usually offer criticism over empathy every time! If they do try to make a scene and empathize with you, it will be one-worded and void of emotion. #Fakelove

6. They playfully challenge you when you say “No.”

nonono.gif

 

The narcissist just doesn’t listen to you, ever! On the first few dates, watch out for subtle signs. Example, they will ask for a kiss and you say “No,” they will keep insisting in a playful way you give them a kiss. They do not accept boundaries. If you hate fish, they will order it and keep pressuring you to try it. They get off by challenging your boundaries and breaking down your virtues. First, it’s kisses, massages and pressuring you to try things, then it escalates to convincing you to have a threesome with him and his friend. No Bueno! The guy who takes no as a challenge is a narcissist.

7. They are Secretive, Reveal half-truths and Tell Vague Stories

no sense.gif

Narcissist typically has a lot to hide. They usually have a girlfriend or lingering casual relationships they managed to sustain for years. However, nothing really significant. You will notice inconsistencies, vague stories, and shit that doesn’t add up. After the second date, you will probably be confused about their real intentions because what they say and what they do is not consistent. You will have this nagging feeling something is off because it is! Go with your gut! Do some digging on social media, you will soon find evidence that proves them to be a liar and manipulator.

Needless to say, if your new beau is showing at least 3 of the 7 signs above. Run for the hills and don’t look back. Narcissist wants to devour your soul, it’s not about love and it never was.

 

By Janell Hihi

Copyright@2016