Just Leave: The Timing is Never Going to Be Right

8294-I-m-Leaving

I looked through some of my old diaries today. I finally had some time to reflect on what I’ve been through but most importantly what I was strong enough to overcome.

When I was faced with the decision to leave toxic relationships, the timing was always bad and the circumstances, even worse.

I learned the hard way that there is never a perfect time to leave. There’s never a good time or a more convenient day. Today is the only day. Tomorrow is not promised and yesterday is dust lingering, quickly fading. Gone.

If you’re in a toxic relationships and you’re telling yourself, “I’ll wait until I get a job, I’ll wait until I save more money, or I’ll wait to see if he changes…” Stop prolonging the inevitable. You will need to leave eventually. You can’t continue to breath poison and survive. Leave now!

Either you’ll get discarded by the narcissist and have no choice but to move on or you will reach your breaking point and be forced to leave!

The funny thing about finally deciding to really leave is that when you build up the courage, the circumstances couldn’t be more dire.

But wait…

This is your chance to live the courageousness that you feel. This is the time to push through and make due with tears streaming down your face and uncertainty overwhelming you…

Sometimes we don’t have an exit plan. Sometimes the only exit plan is to GO! We make a plan as we go along. If you have to stay in a women’s shelter, live with a family member or friend or drive across the country for refuge. Just go!

And somehow, with the grace of God, when we leave doors begin to open. Resources become available, helpers come along the way to assist us in our struggle of rebirth mentally, physically and financially.

It’s a journey.

There isn’t a map you can download… No GPS to guide you- Just courage, faith and determination!

Nothing is holding you back.

Just.

Leave.

Please share in the comment section if you’re a survivor of narcissistic abuse and how you decided to leave… what was your breaking point? What obstacles did you face? Most importantly, how did you overcome? Your stories will inspire others! I look forward to reading!

By Janell Hihi @Copyright 2019

Advertisements

Attack People Who Attack Your Boundaries

6ee9a96f-beba-4c1a-8a69-07b35bb9dbef_560_420

Boundary violations are deal breakers. My survivors of Narcissistic Abuse know this all too well.

In many of my advice articles, I emphasize the importance of communicating boundaries to our significant others. The willingness to walk away if there is no compromise regarding a boundary violation is the only way to avoid narcissist and toxic relationships in general.

What you want is important. If it is disregarded, dismissed or ignored by your spouse… that behavior is unacceptable and subject to consequences.

When what you want is reasonable yet still ignored and you feel yourself being subtly subjected to the selfish agenda of others. Withdrawal!

Be willing to walk away IMMEDIATELY at the first sign of blatant disregard of your needs or when you partner displays disrespectful behavior. Walk away!

People will argue with you and assume you don’t have the strength to stay and work through things. Unfortunately, those same people who say stick it out, love is worth it in the end usually are very unhappy and unfulfilled in their relationship. Typically those relationships end in divorce. Asserting your needs without apology is actually what will sustain a relationship. Being quiet and just taking it, never, ever works!

Teach people how to treat you. Take no shit, but do no harm.

I hope this short article can give strength to those in need of standing their ground and asserting the importance of their needs being met with the conviction!

J. Hihi

 

The Anger & Resentment of Settling for Less

resentment

The Number 1 symptom you’re settling for less!

You feel like you’re fighting an uphill battle.

“None of us should expect to tiptoe through tulips all day long, but if you spend most of your time trying to fix, alter, or cope with a situation, there is a good chance it’s not the right one for you. Joy is a natural outcome of being where you should be. So if you’re constantly struggling to feel good, it’s probably time for a change.” Iyanla Vanzant

The saying holds true for a reason, “Never settle for less than what you deserve,”

Settling for less than what you want in a relationship leads to inner hostility, anger and resentment.

Holding a vision of the type of relationship you want but accepting less in reality creates conflicting inner dialogue that will eventually sabotage your relationship.

If you find yourself breaking up and making up with your partner. You’re settling. Oscillating between settling and temporarily breaking up to justify your need to not settle just to take them back and settle again.

What’s worse is feeling self esteem drop a few notches like a plane that was cruising but is now experiencing violent turbulence. Why is that? Because we failed to live up to the promises we made to ourselves by compromising with others.

Whatever we settled for will permanently end eventually end because it’s not what we wanted to begin with.

It’s far better to never start sub-par relationships by passing on them altogether rather than creating more pain and heartache by lowering standards to satisfy the temporary emotion of neediness.

All that’s needed is patience, faith and the ability to say no thanks!

If you order a steak but the waiter comes back and offers you beef flavored Ramen Noodles instead, will you accept it just to be nice and avoid conflict? Will you sacrifice what you want to give others what they want?

Can others easily talk you out of what you want? Are your standards easily lowered to appease others? Or do you think you can turn noodles into steak by forcing people to change?

Do you have the courage and patience to wait for your steak?

Sure, your stomach is growling with ravaging hunger and you really want to eat. However, you have to decide if instant gratification is better than long term fulfillment.

Steak or Noodles. You Decide!

Dust-Settles-I-don-t.jpeg

J. Hihi

Copyright@2018

Why Men/Women Play Hot & Cold in Relationships

hotcold-gauge

The game of Hot & Cold is a game of control and fear.

Whether it’s done consciously or unconsciously is irrelevant. It’s about maintaining POWER in a relationship.

It’s about getting the man or women to PURSUE.

It could also be due to financial instability but i’ll touch on that later.

Someone wants to be chased to feel validated. Both the hot and the cold phase are dysfunctional. 

The Hot phase obviously feels better then the cold phase. He showers you with text, phone calls, compliments, interesting dates, invites to events, etc.,

The cold phase he can suddenly go MIA for several days/weeks or even months without calling or texting you. It’s really strange and awkward and it stunts the growth from the momentum that was previously achieved within your interactions.

He takes you all the way to square 7 when he’s hot, but then when he’s cold, you’re back at square one. Not sure what grown woman or man has time for that!

By allowing Mister or Misses inconsistent in your space, you create a tolerance for inconsistent and toxic energy that lowers your vibration.

It’s important that we remember we invite toxicity in our etherial field and we all have a choice not to allow the energy of confusion, indecisiveness and low value attraction, into our space.

Most women email me and they decide to play the game with the guy by allowing themselves to be hot and cold to give him a taste of his own medicine.

That usually leads to nothing but a slow fade out of any desire and passion the relationship had potential for to begin with. Sure, in the short term it will definitely let a man know that two can play that game. However, if he’s just inconsistent in general, that won’t change his hard wired character. It’s a waste of time. He’ll continue to be hot and cold.

Giving into a man’s hot and cold whims is giving him validation of the power he seeks over you as a women. He may have trust issues, fear of intimacy or he may just be a player.

Regardless, he is controlling and he needs to be in charge of the momentum of the relationship.

If you enjoy inconsistency and instability stay and play the hot and cold game. By all means, if you’re not here for the shenanigans of a man who has one foot in and one foot out the door be very clear with him that you expect CONSISTENT communication or none at all.

Ignore his excuses. He’ll have many justifications as to why he has to ghost you once every other week. It’s all bullshit.

However, you should be prepared because he may open up to you and be vulnerable and tell you he is afraid of getting too close in fear of being hurt.

Take your cape off, you can’t save the sad guy. He needs to get over that fear of being hurt by himself. Tell him when he’s ready to take a risk and be vulnerable to hit you up. You may or may not be available.

If he shuts down and doesn’t respond as a result of your direct demand for basic communication, consistency and respect, he doesn’t have the skillset to be in a healthy relationship.

If he agrees to stop his hot and cold behavior but continues the hot and cold game after your discussion, cut him off immediately. Trust me, your time is better spent with someone more functional and mentally stable.

By Janell Hihi Copyright@2018

Why He Won’t Commit: Men Respond to Consequences

ConsequencesCover

Men don’t commit when a women gives off the energy that deep inside, she feels she’s not worthy of a commitment. A man’s behavior is a reflection of the women’s subconscious mind.

If you give him the cow for free, he will never buy the milk. Demanding that a man start paying for something that was given to him freely won’t have any value to him.

He won’t buy it. He won’t commit. What’s the incentive?

Better yet, what are the consequences if he doesn’t commit?

You must set the tone in the beginning of the relationship that you will not perform wife duties for a casual boyfriend.

State your intentions in a sweet and non threatening way so that he doesn’t become defensive.

By simply saying “no” if he asks you to move in with him or have unprotected sex before marriage, will indirectly let him know that he won’t get very far with you without being fully vested in taking his commitment to the next level.

Women who say marriage is just a piece of paper.

Most women who also say they don’t believe in marriage are either filthy rich or come from wealthy families and simply don’t care. Or. their self-esteem is so low that they secretly believe they don’t deserve marriage or a men won’t look at them as wife material. These women never demand much from men and mostly only participate in struggle love.

Simply telling a man “Moving in together and having unprotected sex is for married couples.” Were not ready for that right?” Will set the tone of the relationship that you have standards.

He’ll be shook. And that’s a good thing. Your value will go up tenfold because you showed him you wouldn’t settle!

If you’ve always wanted or been open to marriage, don’t sell yourself short by convincing yourself that the next best thing is the same thing. It’s not. And you deserve to have the bond you dream about – not the one that’s become convenient or “acceptable” today.

What’s trending on the dating scene is a very pessimistic and far left feminist view that marriage is meaningless because the divorce rate is so high.

Instead of reinventing marriage and carefully choosing partners, millenials choose to throw out the concept altogether.  It’s quite disturbing!

Of course if a man doesn’t want marriage he should have no interest in living with you or having children.

Just think about it. If your boyfriend thinks you’re good enough to move in with, why doesn’t he think you’re good enough to marry?

Many women are fucking up the census data because on paper they are not married but they are shacked up with a longterm boyfriend and has children with him. These women are not able to check the “Married” box on paper because they didn’t value themselves enough to protect their own legal rights.

The issue with dating today is everything is backwards now. Women give and give of themselves before commitment and expect to be matched with their efforts and commitments later. They bet their time, energy, sex and love on a future promise or sheer hope that she can love him enough to change his mind about marriage.

The secret to avoiding men who are allergic to commitment is to be the women a man has to come prepared for. You never want to be the women who accepts the man who is not prepared to commit and make it your mission to help him get prepared.

Don’t be the filler girl helping the recently separated man get through his divorce. Don’t help the unemployed guy look for a job and get on his feet.

Instead better yourself and your own situation and wait for a man who is PREPARED to commit.

He’ll leave you regardless of how much you helped him. What’s worse is after he said he didn’t believe in marriage, he’ll marry the next women he meets within a year!

Don’t believe me, just watch! I’ve seen this scenario play out time and time again.

Tyler Perry’s new movie Acrimony that will be released on March 30th is the perfect example.

She believed all her hard work and sacrifices she’s made to help her man will pay off eventually.

It didn’t pay off. He left her and Married another women at the peak of his career. He left her for the women he had to come correct with.

It is imperative to establish time limits with men. Again, men respond to consequences. If they can take everything you have to give without even calling you their fiancé and suffer no consequences… meaning you stay in the relationship and continue to act like a wife when your nothing more then a girlfriend with NO LEGAL PROTECTION.

It‘s important to check a boyfriend when he is out of his jurisdiction. 

If your boyfriend is helping you decide where to live, where to work, how to discipline kids that aren’t his, etc., He is acting like your husband not your boyfriend.

He needs to be put in his place immediately! Set parameters and boundaries for boyfriends drawing a clear line between what boyfriends influence and what a potential husband influences.

Boyfriends get your time when it’s convenient for you. Husbands get your time everyday. Know the difference, a boyfriend does not have the privilege to see you everyday! He get’s limited access and if he wants more he needs to commit more.

Stay away from men who say “Marriage is just a piece of paper” but he wants you to be EXCLUSIVE with him.

Exclusive for what?

Stay away from men who say they don’t believe in marriage. Ask him what he believes in. Watch him explain away that real love isn’t validated my marriage. Yawn and role your eyes while he banters.

Marriage is a smart business decision that secures the child, mothers and fathers future. According to a article on Pyschology.com “Unearned Privilege: 1,000+ Laws Benefit Only Married People” Married couples benefit in the following ways:

Economic:

Access to a partner’s Social Security benefits

The right to inherit property even if your spouse dies without a will

Tax breaks on estate taxes

Tax breaks on inheritance taxes

Exemptions from penalties on IRAs that unmarried people pay

Spouses can give each other huge monetary gifts ($14,000 a year, as of 2017(link is external)) without paying taxes, and together, they can give twice that amount to a recipient and the recipient won’t have to pay taxes

Income tax breaks (for married couples filing jointly compared to solo single people)

Worker’s compensation benefits

Relevant to children:

Married couples can jointly adopt children

They have claims to custody

Health-related:

Greater access to health insurance

Hospital visitation rights

When people get married in the U.S., they become officially special. With their marriage certificate in hand, they automatically qualify for the benefits and protections of more than 1,000 laws(link is external)—and that’s just counting the ones at the federal level.

People who marry do not have to do anything to earn that special treatment denied to people who are not married. They do not have to have a good marriage or a faithful marriage or a loving marriage. They do not have to have kids. They do not need to be new to marriage; they get access to the outpouring of protections regardless of whether their marriage is their first or their twenty-first.

I have mentioned the 1,000+ federal laws many times over the 10 years I have been blogging here at Psychology Today. I just realized that I never offered PT readers a list of some of the most important examples. I did do that for one of my monthly columns for Unmarried Equality(link is external), back in 2015 when the Supreme Court legalized same-sex marriage with its Obergefell v. Hodges(link is external) decision. The list of laws was relevant in that context because gaining access to those advantages was one of the important goals of those who worked so hard to make marriage equality a reality.

With thanks to Unmarried Equality(link is external) for their permission to adapt what I wrote for them, here is a sampling of some of the federal laws that benefit and protect only people who are officially married:

Economic:

Access to a partner’s Social Security benefits

The right to inherit property even if your spouse dies without a will

Tax breaks on estate taxes

Tax breaks on inheritance taxes

Exemptions from penalties on IRAs that unmarried people pay

Spouses can give each other huge monetary gifts ($14,000 a year, as of 2017(link is external)) without paying taxes, and together, they can give twice that amount to a recipient and the recipient won’t have to pay taxes

Income tax breaks (for married couples filing jointly compared to solo single people)

Worker’s compensation benefits

Relevant to children:

Married couples can jointly adopt children

They have claims to custody

Health-related:

Greater access to health insurance

Hospital visitation rights

Authority to make medical decisions

Others:

Next-of-kinship rights

Immigration rights

Survivors’ rights and benefits

Can get listed on a spouse’s death certificate

The privilege of not having to testify against your spouse in criminalcases

The privilege of having your communications with your spouse protected in criminal and civil cases.

In fact, stay away from any man who express extremism. Meaning, he is totally against commitment and marriage. You want a man who is open to possibilities who didn’t let his parent’s divorce taint his idea of love, commitment and marriage.

The man who says marriage is a piece of paper but he wants you to move in with him, cook, clean and even have his child without proposing marriage is a con man.

He will have every excuse in the book not to commit to get married. The most annoying excuse is “The divorce rate is too high” The newest excuse is “I’m not religious.” 

I wish there was a break up rate/statistic out there as a rebuttal. I would advise to steer clear of men who use statistics and focus on the negative aspect of marriage. They will likely focus on the negative aspect of everything.

He will make you’re life a living hell!

The same guy who uses divorce statistics to justify why he’s not mature enough to make a solid commitment will likely participate in other risky behavior that statistically proves to be bad for his health or his pocketbook.

The contradiction is real. So is his bullshit.

I did manage to find a few statistical statements from Andrew Ekleberry on Quora regarding relationship versus marriage statistics.

“A husband has openly, publicly, pledged with his actions, to spend his life, with a particular woman.

A boyfriend may say a bunch of words that no one else hears, but in reality has promised, and pledged nothing.

Statistically, a boyfriend relationship will last on average, about 3 years. Whereas a husband will for the most part spend the rest of his life with someone.

Legally, a wife has protections under the law, when married. A girlfriend has zero protection, and will end up completely on their own, if anything happens.

I’ve even seen where a husband passed away, and the girlfriend, that he had been living with for over 15 years, got zero, while the estranged wife, that the husband was still married too, got the house, the car, everything.

A husband is a moral, legal, and religiously affirmed real relationship.

A boyfriend… is basically nothing. A boy…. that’s a friend. That’s what “boy…. friend….” means.”

Furthermore, if a man truly doesn’t want marriage, he will reject the benefits that come with marriage. He will not move in with a women, he will not have children with her and he will not share his finances or resources. He will date and court her only, and he will not expect her to cook, clean or have his children. He won’t expect his girlfriend to have his back like a wife would. Therefore, the relationship should be casual, free and unbinding.

Imagine you’re a sales person at a car dealership and a potential buyer proposes a deal. He would like to drive a car and use it for any purpose he chooses with the option to put as many miles as he would like to on the car. Once he’s done using it, he wants to bring it back to the dealership and trade it in for a newer model.

You offer the customer a deal to buy the car. However, he declines because he doesn’t want the commitment of buying the vehicle but he wants all the benefits that comes with buying a vehicle. You rebuttal the customer by offering him to lease the vehicle but he doesn’t want to lease because he doesn’t want a cap on how many miles he can put on the vehicle without being charged extra.

What would you propose to such a difficult customer? They don’t want to buy the vehicle, however, they want to get over on you. What he wants versus what he’s willing to give is substantially out of balance.

The type of man that seriously does not want marriage will be upfront and should not expect marriage benefits. If he expects marriage benefits but doesn’t believe in a piece of paper, he’s full of shit. He will use you and bend you over every which way until he gets bored and disposes of you.

You offer him NOTHING to look forward to, and nothing to work towards. And the relationship is void of life force and excitement. Your over-giving killed it. May the bond you never let happen rest in peace.

The women who obliges to these foolish demands that men make without demanding any solid commitment of marriage in return are creating monsters for the rest of the women in the dating pool.

If he’s uncertain you’re the one, his uncertainty should cut off all his benefits. Until he becomes certain he shouldn’t be laying up under you and asking you whose texting you. Furthermore, you shouldn’t feel obligated to answer any of his questions.

uncertainty.jpg

When he leaves you after using you up, he believes all women should drain themselves of their resources for a man who doesn’t believe in marriage but does believe in playing house.

When a women gives a man husband privileges without even being engaged she puts a dagger in the progress of the relationship that will forever stunt it’s growth and kill the excitement.

The man who wants you to answer to him, is the man who wants you as his wife. I believe an exclusive relationship is a marriage and a women should never commit until a ring is on her finger.

Boyfriends and exclusivity is like oil and water, they don’t mix. When did women start believing boyfriends have some type of ownership over them with the power to take them off the market?

if you’re both over the age 32… Within 2 years a man should know if you’re the one or not. No exceptions!

If you’re okay with the arrangement of being a girlfriend performing wifey duties, to each it’s own. However, if you’re just pretending to be that type of women to keep a man, stop lying to yourself.

I had a client I coached who dated a guy for 3 years. Finally after 3 years he asked her to move in with him into the house he owned.

He was paying a mortgage. He wanted her to pay half without making her his wife of putting her on the deed. She lived with him for an additional 5 years helping him pay off his house. He never married her. They eventually broke up and she moved out. Basically, he had a roommate with no legal stakes on a mortgage she helped pay. Did she get an equity check from him? NO.

Speaking of equity. Marriage and commitment is your equity. The so-called “Building together” only starts after the marriage license is secured. Everything before that either built up to marriage or was a total waste of time.

Ladies, don’t do it. This something for nothing nonsense with men must stop!

Every good negotiator ensures they get something out of the deal. Stop being weak pushovers!

Stop apologizing for what you want. It’s perfectly okay to want to be a wife. It’s not old school, it’s not old fashioned and it doesn’t make you less of an independent women. It makes you human!

What if your manager at work wanted to give you management responsibilities but refused to promote you, raise your pay or give you the title of a manager? Would you accept that? I hope not, but some of you #%€#! Basic women will.

It’s not about a piece of paper, its about how much he can get from you without giving anything in return! 

If you want more of a commitment but you’re not getting it, pull back.

When he asks you why you’re acting distant and different, tell him nicely and respectfully his inability to commit to you is a clear indication that he does not want you. Let him know you’re going to do you for now and you really don’t believe you need to give him an in depth explanation…

After all, the two of you are not committed. You’re friends! Make sure it is clear the relationship is relabeled as a friendship. The consequence should be clear, no marriage, no marriage benefits! Period, dot com!

By Janell Hihi Copyright@2018

How The Narcissist Subtly Chips Away at Your Self-Esteem.

3551_10
Narcissist Possess an Uncanny ability to make their victims completely lose themselves.

Narcissist laugh at their partners under their breath in a very subtle in cunning way to slowly but surely, chip away their partners self-esteem.

Narcissist are skilled sculptors who carve away at their partners sense of self to mold them into a smaller, co-dependent and insignificant figurine.

The narcissist wants their victim to turn on themselves. They want their partners to lower their expectations, discard their personal boundaries and throw away their values in order to be in a relationship with them.

The only way to defeat a narcissist is to stick with your values and never lower your expectations or boundaries to accommodate the narcissist desires. Narcissist stand no chance with individuals who are grounded in self-love and self-respect.

Believe it or not, the narcissist does not want to destroy you. The narcissist wants you to destroy YOURSELF!

The narcissist highest goal is to be a masterful manipulator to the point where they abuse you in such a subtle way that you have no idea what’s going on. Nor does anybody else around them.

Narcissist are NOT confrontational. They are cowards and they never want to get to the real issues. They revel behind your back and smile in your face by simultaneously complimenting you and low-key insulting you at the same time!

Of course, when they’re with friends and family and their partner is not around, the narcissist will talk very badly about their partner in a joking way to disguise their inner hatred and turmoil they feel toward their partner.

Basically, the narcissist significant other is always the brunt of the narcissist low-key insulting jokes.

maxresdefault.jpg

The number one characteristic that narcissist like to attack is their partners level of intelligence.

I dated a narcissist who spoke very badly about his baby mamas. Of course, he had more then one.

His most recent baby momma he would refer to as an airhead with no education. He would joke about things she would do as a new mother that made her appear to lack common sense.

It was alarming how quickly he would say terrible things about her character referring to her as sexually promiscuous, not very intelligent and irresponsible. Then, in the very next instant he would say how much he once loved her and how badly she hurt him.

Nothing the narcissist says makes any sense whatsoever. This is part of the plan to keep the victim stuck in a perpetual state of confusion.

My ex would also constantly put down his ex wife who has a child with him and refer to her as ghetto and weird because of her personal style.

Once his ex wife called, while I was with him and she asked him if he knows anyone who can fix her car and he said to her, “No, that’s not my problem. Why are you calling me?!” Then he hung up on her. Mind you, his best friend is a co-owner at a auto shop.

I thought to myself, how could he be so nice to me and so rude and disrespectful to the mothers of his children? Obviously, he made me feel like I was better than them and he would never talk to me that way. Boy, was I naive!

Of course, with all those glaring red flags, I stuck around because I didn’t want to deal with tending to my own issues which is why I choose to be in a relationship instead of rebuilding my life after divorce.

That’s another blog.

Narcissist will show you how they will treat you after the honeymoon phase by showing you how they treat others around them.

Look at how they treat strangers asking for directions, waiters, their parents, and the mother of their child.

Watch their tone, their body language and the cruel and lifeless look in their eyes.

As I watched my ex talk badly about how stupid his ex girlfriend was, I immediately noticed how he got off on it.

Narcissist need to feel superior to their partners at all times.

First the narcissist indirectly insults their partner with sarcasm disguised as humor.

They will make undermining comments about their partners intelligence, weight, personal style, occupation, family and even their child.

The narcissist will sometimes directly insult their partner but that is very rare. The narcissist wants to plant the seed of self-doubt and insanity within their partner.

It’s far more convincing if the victim starts believing that they are stupid, crazy and irresponsible rather than the narcissist directly telling them to their face.

Narcissist plant seeds. Most narcissist never directly criticize or verbally insult their significant others. However, there is exceptions if or when they go into narcissist rage.

It’s important to understand that the narcissist vets out narcissistic supply by choosing a partner who they feel is “less than” them. Or, by choosing a partner who they believe they can easily break down.

They prefer partners who make less money, are less educated or significantly younger so that they can instill in the younger partner that they are inferior because of their age and/or maturity.

The narcissist will do whatever it takes to feel more significant in the relationship. I found it very difficult to tell my ex about the things that were happening in my life because I feared he would judge and criticize me like he did with his ex girlfriends.

Narcissist judge others harshly while their own life is falling apart.

Of course, narcissist can be hiding assets in storage, avoiding financial ruin, filing bankruptcy and foreclosed on 3 different properties but somehow, they can still muster up the words to judge other people harshly.

You would think because they are so critical, they’re lives must be perfect. That is so far from the truth.

I remember when I first met my narcissistic ex, it seems he could do no wrong and he’d never try to make me feel bad about myself because he constantly swooned me with compliments.

I got a wake up call when suddenly I started waking up in the middle of the night with panic attacks and he had the audacity to tell me, he didn’t want to be with a girl who had panic attacks.

He said he wanted to be with a “healthy girl.”

I was so hurt and confused because this man was on 3 different anti-depressant medications and I accepted the fact that he would probably be on anti-depressants for the rest of his life to treat his depression.

However, when one little medical issue appeared with me, he was ready to leave the relationship.

Who the narcissist is, and who he thinks he is, remains a stagnating self-delusion. 

It turns out, all the stress of dealing with my ex narcissist from our on and off again relationship activated my Graves Disease which was doormat for years. My hyperthyroid gave me panic attacks in the middle of the night. When I left him, it only took 3 weeks for my panic attacks to completely subside.

I’d rather have a man beat me to a pole, then chip away at my soul like the vampiric narcissist does so well. 

If you stick around long enough without appearing completely destroyed by the narcissist, he will start to beat you down physically and mentally. It’s best to play dead and get out before it get’s to that point.

It’s important to remember the narcissist move in a subtle way to subconsciously manipulate you into destroying yourself so that he doesn’t has to. That way, he can continue to tell everyone, “She’s crazy.”

Listen to that little voice of reason that whispers to you, “Something is NOT right about this person.” Then Run for your life!

By Janell Hihi @Copyright 2018

Why You Can’t Stop Thinking About the Narcissist

Stop-Thinking-About-Him-Step-14.jpg

Why can’t you get the narcissist out of your mind?

Narcissist operate from the ego. The ego is of the mind. Narcissist spin a web of illusion so intricate they create a matrix, also known as a mental prison that they’re victims can’t escape from.

The narcissist will literally take full possession of the victims mind. Since most narcissist prey on your subconscious mind, thinking of them and why they do what they do becomes a habitual obsession that is extremely hard to break.

In my upcoming book How to Defeat a Narcissist, I explain how narcissist are like hackers who hack into your mind, corrupt your software and implant a virus that takes over your entire operating system.

Getting a narcissist out of your mind takes reprogramming that is explained in great detail in my upcoming book.

For every negative, toxic thought they implant in your mind by their antisocial, psychotic, selfish and hurtful behavior, a positive affirmation must be repeated daily by the victim to refill the mind with empowering and positive thoughts and beliefs. This takes time, but it’s extremely helpful and almost guaranteed to work every time.

Narcissistic Bosses: The Real Reason for High Employee Turnover

NarrcissistBanner900px

Let’s face it. Narcissist are everywhere. They’re literally inescapable. Narcissist have infiltrated the dating scene, the workplace, extended families and every infrastructure and system within the entire world.

Businesses with systems and processes created by narcissistic people become the ideology of twisted narcissistic rhetoric and dysfunction.

Unlike mentally healthy human beings, narcissist and the systems they create to oppress people, are unable to change or adapt to current times. Their ability to evolve is dead.

Instead of working through problems, finding healthy ways to cope and making an effort to become a better person, the narcissist is fixated only by remaining the same and continuing the status quo regardless if it’s in the best interest of the business or employees.

narc name tag

In my upcoming book, How to Defeat a Narcissist, I make a striking comparison of narcissistic personality disorder and the Return of the Dead. Like a dead species, narcissist are unable to grow, learn or evolve into a new way of thinking. Therefore, when we enter an intimate or work related relationship with a narcissist, the relationship can’t evolve. There is a proverbial glass ceiling and the goal of progression stops at a dead end every time.

Narcissism is maladaptive and only concerned with maintaining power over others regardless of what tangible success the company stands to lose. For example, high performing employees get no where with narcissistic bosses. High performers in the workplace take a fall from grace with narcissistic organizations.

Instead of being acknowledged as an asset, High Performers are despised.

When high performers are hired on, the narcissistic organization idolizes them. However, when they start to ask questions, offer ideas and solutions, essentially going above and beyond being a high performing and engaged employee, the narcissist feels threatened.

The narcissist is threatened in two ways. First, the narcissist weak, under-performing and outdated work processes are being constructively questioned. As I mentioned above, the narcissist is maladaptive and must maintain the status quo. There is no growth possible. Especially if it is not recommended by the narcissist himself.

Second, the narcissist starts to feel like he is losing his sense of superiroity just because an employee suggested an idea to improve a work process. Suddenly

Sooner rather than later, the narcissist will begin to devalue the once idolized employee. Suddenly performance reviews will be below satisfactory and the narcissist may even go far as telling you to stay in your place. Once the narcissist ask for your opinion and input, now the narcissist rejects it because it’s a threat to their ego and their narcissistic organizational structure.

Narcissist will despise the free-thinking, intelligent employee and praise the simple, non-threatening, ass-kissing employee. Most narcissistic organizations promote and hire on management that submit to the narcissist ill-devised narcissistic, power hoarding policies. Any employee questioning the narcissist polices or power will remain in a subservient position despite how awesome the employee is performance wise.

differences

Narcissistic Managers are Passive Aggressive and Lack the ability to give REAL Feedback

Doing a one on one with a narcissistic manager, everything will be all sunshine and rainbows until they have to explain why you didn’t get promoted or why they keep disciplining you in a passive aggressive manner that stunts your growth as an employee. A manager who can’t give employees real and honest feedback doesn’t want them to grow within the organization. Instead of giving an employee constructive ways to improve, the narcissist disciplines his employees by annoying them.

Narcissist boss specialize in Micro aggression’s.

me6

The narcissist will make indirect threats and snarky comments to destabilize the employee who thinks they are smart or doesn’t know how to properly bow down them. The narcissist will give them extra tedious assignments, move there desks every two-weeks, single them out of special meetings, opportunities or assignments.

The narcissist will talk behind the employees back and berate them yet smile in their face. The narcissist will use micro-aggression like it’s there first language just because they lack the courage to face issues head on. They like to call their passive aggressive, brush over the shoulders nature “soft skills.”

Like all narcissist, honest dialogue between mature adults will never take place. It’s a pipe dream. Talking to them, emailing them, meeting with them or even trying to reconcile with them is virtually impossible. They will act like they are engaged in resolving issues, but they are more engaged, behind the scenes to simply control you and keep you in your place. Your performance is irrelevant, only your ability to submit to their power tactics is what truly matters to the narcissist boss and/or organization.

Narcissistic companies do not have an official training program

This is classic narcissistic bullshit. A company that lacks a training program is trouble. What healthy organization would not take the time to create a training program to ensure their employees are knowledgeable about the company, it’s program, products and objectives?

Simple answer, a narcissistic company that feeds off training people on an individual level so that they can pick and choose who gets what kind of training and why. The narcissist doesn’t want all employees to be on the same page. First off they are lazy and second it gives them more leverage to control employees in a covert and manipulative manner.

The narcissist can hoard information and knowledge that can prevent employees from prospering in their position so that the narcissist remains in control and most knowledgeable. Narcissist hate sharing information. They want you to come to them for answers to stroke their egos and validate their sense of superiority. Start up or not, 3 employees or 100 employees, a company lacking a training curriculum is riddled with narcissistic management.

Narcissistic Employers Have No Policies in Place

Don’t be fooled by a company who lacks an employee handbook and company policies and procedures. The narcissistic company will lie to your face in the interview and tell you that they have an unrestricted environment and implementing policies and procedures creates the kind of rigid corporate environment they want to avoid. They want you to be human and feel free at work. That’s not possible. All companies need policies that act as boundaries to protect the company and it’s employees.

It’s bullshit. Like a narcissistic partner who is unwilling to commit to avoid being held accountable for their behavior, the narcissistic boss operates exactly the same. Without sound policies in place, the narcissistic company can “at will” unfairly discipline you, fire you, harass you, retaliate against you and treat you in a way that doesn’t hold them accountable because of the lack of policies in place.

However, if policies were enacted, the narcissist would have to behave according to standards. What defines a narcissist is their inability to take responsibility. The definition of responsibility in this context is one’s ability to avoid responding. An ambiguous workplace where anything the narcissist does and says goes is ideal for abuse and a toxic work environment. Avoid working for companies who have a “no policy” policy.

Narcissistic companies have a high turnover rate

If in every department of the company, the turn over rate is extremely high with weekly resignations and farewell emails. The company has some narcissistic, toxic and systematically corrupt issues intact. Especially when people in prestigious or higher up positions quickly vacate, there is trouble brewing in paradise and if you are an individual who can’t thrive under narcissistic regime, you’ll be the next one putting in a two week notice.

Narcissistic companies designates a villain and blames them for all the companies problem.

I am guilty for believing the hype. A company I worked for chose to blame all their corruption and their extremely hostile work environment on one person. She left the company and was still being blames. I bought into but I was unaware that they treated her in such a way that changed her behavior and eventually influenced her to seek employment elsewhere. W

When she left, there was no miraculous transformation of the companies policies or hostile environment. The same bullshit remained but it became even worse. Since she left the narcissism on every level of the company was turned up a notch yet and still they continue to blame a manager who left the company months or even years ago. The inability to take responsibility.

Heed the warning and plan for your exit. Your employment with a narcissistic employer will end with you leaving or suing. Your only fighting chance is legal action. Decide now if you want to expend the mental energy and loss of vital life source continuing to work for a company riddled with narcissistic management.

 

Eating Healthy Requires Strategic Preparation.

weekly-meal-planning-700_0

Go on a diet they said! Eat healthier foods, 80% of weight loss is what you eat.

Both statements are true. However, no one explains the logistics behind what it takes to implement a healthy lifestyle and diet.

Preparation is they key to success. Being honest with yourself about where you are lacking in regards to Preparation, creating shopping list and budgeting realistically is the first step to a successful weight loss plan.

We ruin our diets because of the lack of planning ahead.

Successful weight loss starts with the following steps:

1. Set weight loss goals: What is your pants size? How much do you weigh? Take your chest, waist and hip measurements. Write this down in your weight loss diary or on a chart to hang up in your home to keep you motivated.

Next, write your weight loss goals beside or underneath your current weight, pants size and measurements. How much weight do you want to lose? What is your desired pants size? What is your desired measurements?

Keep in mind losing 2-3 pounds a week is healthy weight loss. Calculate a realistic timeframe based on those numbers.

How long will it take to get to your desired weight or pants size?

Remember pants size is more important than weight. Water retention, PMS and other factors cause weight to fluctuate 5-8 pounds. If your dropping pants sizes you are losing weight.

Pay attention to how your pants fit instead of the numbers on the scale.

Annual-Physical-Exam-640x640-300x300

2. Physical exam: Now that you have your goals in place, make an appointment with your doctor to get a physical.

Get the test taken during the first few days of your cycle (when you have your period), if possible .

Ask your doctor to check your B Vitamin levels, electrolyte levels, Thyroid hormone levels, cholesterol, blood sugar levels and Vitamin D levels.

If you’re a woman ask your doctor to test Vitamin D3, estrogen, progestine, thyroid, FSH and LH levels which are very important in determining the quality of your health. Tell your doctor what to do, more than likely they will tell you the test are unnecessary but remember you are not just a patient, you’re a customer who is paying them!

You can follow up on your blood test by using a home saliva testing kit from DiagnosTechs or Phamasan. Testing your hormone levels over a 30-day period via saliva provides far more accurate results than a blood test taken on a single day and it can help better pinpoint the exact problem.

All of the above can significantly effect weight loss results. If you have any deficiencies your doctor will prescribe vitamins to replenish deficits. If you have high blood sugar and high cholesterol- your new diet should address lowering those two numbers.

Test results will take a week or so. In the meantime start easing yourself into exercise by taking long walks outside or on the treadmill for at least an hour a day.

Assessing your test results:

Most hormone-related issues women deal with are the result of too low progesterone, too high estrogen levels and excess androgen. This is what is happening when you have PCOS, endometriosis, PMS, and problematic periods more generally.

Substitute sides like chips and fries with salads. Example have a burger and a side salad. Chicken with a side salad.

Stop drinking sugary drinks asap. No juice or soda. Ease yourself into better eating by doing this!

3. Plan your meals/prep. Before you go shopping, Are you doing Paleo? Low carb? Or just dropping calorie intake? And which supplements you need to take.

Plan 7 days of meals/snacks. I don’t recommend cheat days until after 35 days of starting a new diet.

meal ch

Meal Planning Flyer Download and print by clicking here.

Example: day 1. Breakfast, egg omelet with spinach, organic cheeses and veggies.

lunch: chicken breast with 4 cups of salad, low carb dressing.

snack: carrots with peanut butter.

Dinner: beef with broccoli and brown rice.

snack: 1/4 cup of nuts.

Meal planning helps you build your grocery list and budget. Never assume healthy eating is more expensive- it’s not!

However, it is more time consuming, but you need to charge that to the game. It comes with the territory.

Meal planning should include what recipes you want through the week: example what proteins, vegetables, fruits, and grains you need.

If your planning on eating salad everyday buy bulk salad and dressing.

Make sure you have tubawear to make grab and go meals/salads.

Example shopping list:

Proteins: Chicken breast and chicken legs. Turkey bacon, Salmon, ground turkey. Buy organic meat if you can!

Vegetables: Bulk lettuce and spinach. Carrots, onions, broccoli, cilantro, bell peppers and cauliflower and zucchini.

Fruit: Apples, berries, grapefruit and kiwi.

Grains: Brown rice and Almond flower healthy cereal and meal replacement bars.

Condiments: Hot sauce, fat free ranch, Italian dressing. Almond butter or peanut butter and say sauce.

Dairy: Almond milk and organic cheese.

Oils: Olive oil, vinegar, coconut oil ghee or butter.

Storage: tubawear, large glass jars with tops, lunch bag/sack, stainless steel water bottle, smoothie to go bottles, freezer bags, ziplock bags.

4. Find coupons and go shopping: Never forget your list. Spontaneous shopping can sabotage your diet. Try to eat a meal before shopping. I like to shop after dinner or after breakfast during the weekend.

5. Go home, and start prepping meals asap: Cook your proteins, sides and prepare salads and snacks for an entire 5 days! If your using plastic tubaware let food cool to room temp before putting it inside the containers.

6. Stack in the fridge/freezer in a easy and organizational way. Your fridge should be neat and well organized.

Freeze vegetables and fruits you won’t eat to save them from spoiling.

7. Grab and go should make dieting easier. Every 5 days prepare to spend a few hours meal prepping. Make it a priority and a habit.

8. Create a realistic workout plan. Workout according to your schedule. Workout 30 minutes weight training followed by 30 minutes cardio. Muscle speeds up metabolism, don’t just do cardio, do both.

Warm up with stretching before exercising.

Keep it simple at first. Jog/power walk or elliptical for first month. Just do weights on easy to use machines and dumbbells your first month. Then Graduate into push ups, pilates and planks later.

Then join a gym or get a trainer to advance your workouts after 6 weeks. Workout at least 5 days a week for one hour or longer.

Cheat days DON”T DO IT

Have a cheat meal not a cheat day. A cheat day implies you eat whatever you want all day. This can ruin your diet. However, a cheat meal is just cheating on one meal. You can choose whether you want to cheat on breakfast, lunch or dinner is your choice. You cannot cheat on all three meals!

Supplements: Should be based on what vitamin deficiencies you have based on your physical exam with your doctor. Try to eat food that have what you need before taking supplements.

If you are on birth control take B12 asap. Birth control depletes B12 which converts food to energy metabolism, which is why woman on birth control gain weight!

Apple cider vinegar

Flax seed and chia seed for Fiber

B12

B stress complex

Magnesiun

Milk thistle

Vitamin D3

omega 3

Co Q10

Calcium especially is you cannot eat dairy!

Probiotic – High quality.

Take your vitamins with meals. I take some during breakfast, others during lunch and the rest during dinner.

Preparation is just the beginning. I really hope this helps someone on their journey to losing weight and eating healthier.

Please like, comment and subscribe!

By Janell Hihi Copyright@2017

 

 

 

14 Reasons why I hate Beta Males

beta-males-beta

Generally, I do not get along very well with passive people. Being an alpha female, beta males just don’t do it for me.

Since I have no interest in controlling a man, and I’d much rather let a man be a man, beta males are too passive in nature to ever appeal to my straight forward, and very assertive personality type.

Straight forward people enjoy the company of other straight forward people. If you are too passive, you can pass your ass along to the next female. If a man is waiting for me to pursue him, or be an aggressor in moving a relationship forward, he will be waiting forever.

If he pursues, I respond with excitement and appreciation. If he doesn’t pursue, nothing will happen. This is because my femininity doesn’t have a desire to pursue. I do have a desire to be pursued. That’s about it!

This is partly due to my home environment as a child. My father was an alpha male, and I find it very difficult to look for a man who doesn’t have that alpha, take charge, type of attitude.

For women who grew up with a more passive father, she may have witnessed her mother taking charge and internalized that as a normal relationship dynamic. This is okay too. There is somebody for everybody.

Beta males have an over abundance of female friends they orbit hoping to get lucky with one of them one day.

Beta’s fail to understand that the friendship never turns into romance because they don’t know how to initiate intimacy and properly pursue a woman. In fact, most of them confuse pursuing with chasing. Poor little pea brains!

Most beta males put themselves in the friend zone because they are afraid of a deeper connections.

If you are not sure if a beta male will light your fire or burn it out, check out the 14 most common signs of a beta male below.

1.  – Beta, passive aggressive males tend to be smart but will be condescending if he notices you’re his intellectual equal or superior.

2. Beta males hate to hear you talk about your accomplishments. It’s like hearing nails scrape across a chalk board. Every thing you accomplished in life is a threat to his ego and his existence. He may even mock you in conversation to show in a passive aggressive way that he really doesn’t care.

3. Will sulk in self-pity for being single yet he is so unrealistically picky, for the most trivial reasons, no women measures up to his grandiose idea of what she should be. Although he is very average looking, and tends to be on the shorter side of the male height spectrum, his standards surpass what he is able to give in return.

He lies about his height adding 3-4 inches. When you see him in person it’s almost comical. Like, you didn’t tell me you were 5’5 and balding!

Women aren’t the only one’s manipulating pictures, beta males do it all the time!

4. They expect women to always make the first move and move things forward. Beta males don’t pursue. This is another reason they are ALWAYS single. They want women calling them and chasing them like they’re the prize.

5. He will never be direct about what he wants. Regardless if it’s dinner plans, picking a movie to watch, whether or not he likes you, etc., He is indirect, he will tap dance around every little thing and still not say what he means. He has poor communication. Most of his relationships have failed miserably because of it.

He is also very defensive. He’s the type that will tell you something sad then get defensive when you make a supportive statement.

Beta male: “I’m worried about the results of the test.”

Normal woman: “I’m sure you’ll pass, just keep hoping for the best.”

Beta male: Ummm I’m good I always hope for the best. I’m not that worried just slightly concerned. I know I’ll pass the test I was just throwing all possibilities out there. I’ll do just fine, and thanks.

(Notice how he makes 3 contradicting thoughts in one sentence, now that’s how you know a person is not dealing with a full deck.)

Normal woman is thinking: “Why is this 5’5 balding midget getting defensive about a supportive statement I made?

Because he hides his insecurity behind defensiveness. He’s so delusional he takes kind words and morphs them into personal attacks on himself. He also tries too hard to be funny to overcompensate for his loss of hair, height and microscopic penis.

6. He has a weak ass handshake or half-ass hug  upon meeting you.  Like limp wristed, dainty, maybe just slips the tips of his fingers into your hand, handshake. This makes me cringe!

7. He’s scared to touch women. Again, the woman has to lean in and give him a kiss. It’s just awkward. He’s scared of many things, and touching a woman is a huge hurdle for him. Being truly intimate is hard for him, he has been friend-zoned more than the average man. He has tons of female friends, but no girlfriends, ever! Sometimes a woman wants a man to pull her hair gently and give her a passionate kiss, but beta males just don’t get it!

8. He’s too accommodating and generally let woman sail the ship. Everything SHE wants he bends to make it happen. I’d get bored with a beta in 5.2 seconds, like really? Grow some balls and tell me “No!” Even Siri is has more of a back bone than a beta male.

9. Gets hung up over rejection. It takes a beta male every bit of energy he has to ask a girl out and if it doesn’t workout he sulks internally. He literally hates putting himself out there and expressing interest is very hard for him to do because he takes rejection too personally.

10. He’s a neoliberal. Nothing worse than a fake champion for humanity. He believes in justice so people can like him more. He is too liberal about everything! A normal person has some bias. It’s unrealistic not to have a spec of bias. He believes people should be able to marry animals. He’s so far left, I can’t see him. He will never be in my view for a potential partner. Ever!

11. They always ask, “Where do you want to go?” Like damn! Why do I have to decide. Download Yelp and find a restaurant with good reviews and just tell me where were going. As long as we have fun it doesn’t matter anyways. No lady wants to brainstorm about where to go on a date for 20 minutes on the phone. Wow, use Google! The beta is always on social media so he shouldn’t have a problem looking for recommendations.

Alpha males post 40% less than beta males. Since beta males are in their feminine they are always posting selfies, trying to be witty to attention and talk to damn much to be masculine.

They are too damn nonchalant. Like there is no fire in them. They answer most questions like, “I don’t know, whatever you think is best.” Damn, you don’t have an opinion? Yawn.

They are stoic and stiff in passionate moments and happy, humorous and outgoing in moments where silence or serious conversation between adults is required. Stating that beta males are socially awkward is an understatement.

12. Beta males are liars. Telling the truth is an alpha move, it’s a hard thing to do. Of course beta males are incapable of handling anything difficult in life and would rather take the short cut. Be prepared to find out many white lies. Lies that were not even worth lying about. It’s immature, pathetic and unnecessary drama.

13. They panic when something goes wrong. They keep Xanax in their car. They lack rational problem solving skills. When something goes wrong they sweat, pace back and forth, call their female friends to complain, choose someone to blame, act violently against soft targets like woman, children, handicap or elderly. They cry too. More than the average man. They resemble a raging toddler. It’s pretty pathetic and I just can’t!

14. He takes a woman out of her feminine. Beta males want women to be the masculine aggressor. They have everything twisted and confused. Maybe they lacked a father figure. A woman cannot feel like a woman with a beta male because she always has to be in charge, always has to plan everything and she must always try to read between his blurred line. His constant need for validation is exhausting.

Most conversations with beta males start with the woman in his life asking, “What’s wrong?” He is sulking, giving her the silent treatment and acting like a grown ass kid afraid to tell a grown ass woman what it is. I’ll pass. Masculine women looking for beta males, you’re lucky! There are plenty of them out there waiting for you to take charge!

By Janell Hihi Copyright@2017