A painful kiss from chapped lips scathing my flesh
I didn’t know crust could turn into blades
I want to taste his lips, not my own blood
I groaned, not from being pleasured but from being literally stabbed with his crust
His skin was ashy and icky like sand paper
His beard un-kept and the hairs growing back on his face rubbed against my cheeks removed the top layer of my epidermis
His breath was death
And if he didn’t hurry up and cum
Surely I too was going to die.
Love doesn’t smell, feel or taste good all the damn time. Let’s be real about those moments when the butterflies in our stomach is replaced with nauseation and a strong urge to vomit. When inward screams yell with fury, “I wish this gargoyle would hurry up and get the fuck off of me.”
By Janell Hihi Copyright@2017
“Your hair is so pretty, what are you mixed with?”
I answered rolling my eyes, “Hell, fire and savagery.”
I know you’re mixed with something, you aren’t all black are you?
I roll my eyes and wonder if I should storm off like an angry black woman or give into my boredom and tolerate this man so at least I’d have something to do for the rest of the evening.
I reply, with a seductive look in my eyes as I play with the straw in my mouth from my cocktail, twirling it about my full lips.
“I am whatever you want me to be.” Since it was so important that I wasn’t “full” black, I wanted to tease him and not give him the satisfaction of a direct answer.
He became irritated and looked at me as if he had pity for me. He replied,
“You don’t have to be embarrassed of your ethnicity, I’ve dated girls of all races, I don’t see color.”
I gave him a bitch’s gaze. You know that hazy brown eyed girl gaze that looks into souls like an x-ray examines fractures in bones. I see cracks but because he is black I muster up enough sympathy to empathize with his self-hatred.
He interrupted my read by pointing out a girl sitting at the bar to me by saying,
“What ethnicity do you think that girl is over there in the red shirt at the bar? She looks like she’s maybe Latina from South America?”
I swiftly retort, “Who cares?!”
He further explains he likes to people watch, but I know he has a fascination for the non-black exotic, any woman who isn’t like his own. I yawn in boredom. Then he quickly returns his attention back to me.
I repeat his statement he made a few moments ago back to him “You dated all races and you don’t see color?”
I could not contain my laughter. I couldn’t help but think, is this negro serious? Everyone see’s your color, but you claim to be colorblind? Of course, I’d love to live in a world where people didn’t see color, but I live in this place called reality, the color lines are obvious in this dimension. I’m reminded of my blackness. Even now, at this restaurant with this black man, I am being challenged to prove my ethnicity, my non-blackness. The fuck?!
I responded reluctantly, but the liquor kicked in and I gave in to my inherent sass.
“If color doesn’t matter, why you stressing me about what I’m mixed with? Oh, wait! Is it because you want me to validate your taste, because if I wasn’t mixed I probably wouldn’t be desirable to you because I would reflect too much of you, back to you?” You see color, you see hair texture and you see a mixed girl.”
The conversations I have with the self-hating, mice of men in Minnesota.
To be continued.
By Janell Hihi Copyright@2017
First of all, I want to thank all my followers who send me emails for advice which gives me great blog topics to write! I thank you several times over…
If I haven’t answered you by writing a blog, I will reply to your email within 7-10 days. Please, keep the emails coming!
A common theme in recent emails I’ve noticed is women dating men who come on way too strong in the beginning.
It’s an eerie, stalker-like, artificial feeling that emerges in our guts when we date a guy who is just doing way too much!
We get this feeling in our guts because the high level of emotion and attention they are giving us is unrealistic in proportion to how little they know us and how little time they’ve actually spent with us.
The man who comes on too strong has an agenda. The agenda does not benefit you. Sorry. The agenda is to come quickly and go quickly. They turn up the heat to the max in a very short time and then turn it off in a very short time.
This is because they got too excited too fast and then crashed and burned. Unfortunately, when they crash and burn they get bored and ghost you. Moving to the next fast thrill.
They are kind of like sprint runners or adrenaline junkies. They reach the climax way too fast then stop abruptly when the thrill is over.
The guy who is coming on too strong is not connected to you or your emotions. He is selfish, he needs to fill a void within himself and he is obsessed with getting his own needs met.
The man who comes on too strong is NOT interested in investing into a long-term connection with you. Investing is not gambling, it’s a long drawn out process of getting to know someone.
He won’t truly open up to you and you will notice this in his frequent, yet shallow phone calls and text messages. He communicates way too much, most of the time his text/ voicemail messages sound more like a personal monolog than a genuine interest in getting to know you. Example:
“Hey babe just got off work, now I’m heading to my Yoga class, then I’m meeting my friends for drinks.”
“Man, I’m busy, this day just won’t let up.”
“I’m glad the cafeteria here at work added chicken breast to the salad bar.”
If he is calling you Babe, baby, boo or boo thang within only 2-3 weeks of knowing you. He is not in this for you, he is in this for himself.
Most guys realize that telling the new chick they just met that they just broke up with their girlfriend like a week or two ago is an instant dealbreaker. So most men like to say, “I broke up with my ex 3-6 months ago.” This gives you, who is the unsuspecting victim, a false idea that he is well over his ex while in reality, he is still very much in love.
A little digging will reveal the truth if you can spare 15 minutes on the internet you are bound to find the truth. And for those of you who think that is stalker-like behavior, you obviously don’t mind being played. To each it’s own, but I prefer the proactive approach. Reactivity is for weak B****’s
A guy who is rebounding will be completely emotionally distant or unavailable, OR he will come on too strong! He will be so desperately trying to ignore the pain of his recent breakup, that he will smother you with text, phone calls, dates, attention and unwarranted affection. It’s a huge turn off if you have self-esteem. If you are low on self-love and desperate for affection, you are fish in the net for this asshole.
The guy who is rebounding will try to seamlessly slip you right into the role their ex played. His ex that he was with for over a year or so and this is why it seems unreal and superficial. He is trying to make an entry level employee a CEO after a week on the job.
What comes fast, goes fast! This is spiritual and physical law. This means you have to pump the breaks, slow things down and take the wheel and drive at a speed that is comfortable for you. He can ride along or get off at the next stop, either way, you stay in control.
So, what are the signs a man is coming on too strong?
- He calls you Babe, Bae, Girlfriend, Boo or Honey way too soon. Like within a week of knowing you.
- He is way too physical, way too fast. He touches you like he’s known you for years and you are creeped out.
- He always wants to know WYD. Like really? Tell that boy you are grown, and there is no need for him to know everything that goes on in your day. Geesh (The Pressure… in my Jhene’ Aiko Voice)
- He talks a lot, about shallow and vague topics. He talks just to talk. You start to feel like your a sounding board and not a real love interest.
- You find out he lied about how long ago he broke up with his ex by doing a little social media research. However, you don’t feel it’s worth it to bring it up and it’s better to just move on and leave him on the back burner just in case one day in the future you’re really desperate… and need some attention or an ego stroke. Besides, that is what he is doing to you!
- He is a serial monogamist. He has never taken a break from relationships. One girl after the next, back to back… This is scary. People who can’t be alone scare the living shit out of me!
Well, there you have it. So be on the watch and if you are dating a guy who does the most, pump the breaks. Don’t allow yourself to be used.
By Janell Hihi
I look at him
wondering where he is broken
so I can see if his brokenness is anything like mines
Are we both shattered pieces coming together to create form?
Or will we crush each other even more?
The Shattering is inevitable
And if I bleed from touching him
I will proudly lick my own blood like it’s sweet nectar to my famished heart.
If it’s poison, I will dive into the dying of the light happy, smiling.
Wearing the scent of surrender on my little black dress.
By Janell Hihi
Last month, nearly 24 million Americans went online to look for love. Of course, when updating your profiling and skimming through potential candidates on dating sites, there is no red alert pointing out if someone is a sex offender.
I believe most sexual predators have no past records because of the simple fact that they were not caught yet. Needless to say, it is important to know the signs and take precaution when it comes to letting new people into your child’s life.
There are sick pedophiles lurking on dating sites, looking for vulnerable single mothers with small children they can target and molest. According to the FBI, in most cases, the man appears too good to be true as if he just fell out of heaven.
Statistics also tell us 95% of sexually abused children will know their perpetrator (Child Protection Council, 1993). They will be an immediate family member, a close family friend or some-one the child has regular contact with. Up to 95% of child sexual abusers are male (Bagley, 1995).
He has the “savior” mentality and he makes the single mother believe he is the missing link to her single parent household. He will appear charming, respectful and a great role model to your child on the surface.
He will push to spend time with you and your child sooner rather than later to create a premature family dynamic between the three of you.
He will often play fight and wrestle with your child to establish weak physical barriers so that your child becomes accustomed to being touched. This is how the predator grooms you and your child to let down your walls and let them in. Predators are very skilled con artist, don’t be fooled by their charm. It is important to be well informed as a single mother while dating, check out the link below for more safety tips.
The most vulnerable age for children to be exposed to sexual assault is between 3 and 8 years with the majority of onset happening between these ages. (Browne & Lynch, 1994)
The predator will also offer to drive your kid to events and babysit for you if you need to go shopping or run errands so that he can begin his unthinkable acts. I do not recommend leaving your child alone with your boyfriend under any circumstances until years after a solid relationship or engagement has occurred.
This is why I stress that women should not move fast in relationships and they should definitely not play house with men. Playing house with a boyfriend when you have children is working against your child’s best interest even if your boyfriend is not a predator. Read more here.
The predator will not wait very long to have access to your children and will find a way out of the relationship with you if you withhold access to your child. They will try grooming you to build your trust for about a year. If after a year you still do not give them access to your child, they will wither away.
They will press you to start a family with them, they will also throw it in your face that you do not trust them and there is no relationship without trust. Do not give into any of their pleas to gain access to your child. Single mothers must understand that you can have a successful relationship with a man for several years that does not involve your child. Afterall, you’re looking for companionship, you are not looking for a father for your child.
A few years ago, I became a member on the dating website Singleparentsmeet.com because I wanted to date a guy who was family oriented and already had children like myself. I made an interesting observation. A few men who were members on the site messaged me and they did not have children.
Immediately, I begin to wonder, why the hell are they on this website? I thought it was exclusively for single parents trying to meet other single parents. I did more research and discovered that pedophiles specifically target single mothers. It was eerie. I closed my account on that site.
In the past 10 years, several murders were reported that involved a single mother’s boyfriend killing her children after she left him alone with her kids. Most of the deaths were severely violent. These men beat to death 6-month-old babies, stabbed, strangled, shot and burned them. Please read this very interesting article regarding men who kill their girlfriend’s children – https://tonic.vice.com/en_us/article/why-do-men-kill-their-girlfriends-kids
Child pedophiles who are not convicted of past sexual abuse crimes often work in schools, daycares and community centers where they have direct access to children 24/7.
There were so many cases of rape and molestation in high schools and junior highs last year from sports coaches and teachers that all parents must be on guard and very observant of the staff and educators in daycares and Public and Private Schools that their children attend. Below is a list of pedophile characteristics.
- Molesters tend to seek out playgrounds or other places that kids frequent.
- Molesters entice kids with games, toys, or money.
- Molesters supply alcohol, drugs, and pornography to their victims to lower inhibitions.
- Molesters prey not only on the child’s/teenager’s desire to excel in a sport, they also prey on the child’s/teenager’s parent’s desire.
- Molesters entertain kids and take them on outings.
- Molesters tend to operate or work at businesses that employ teens.
- Molesters seek employment that puts themselves in contact with children.
- Molesters seek out single mothers intending to victimize their innocent children.
The best way to vet out a potential pedophile who is pretending to be interested in you but is targeting your child for abuse is to tell them straight up, “My kid is off limits, your relationship is with me and me only. Is that okay with you?” Step parents are overrated and it should take well over a year or two before a boyfriend or fiance is alone with your kids.
Do not forget to do a background check before even introducing your kids to a boyfriend! It’s better to be preventative and slightly paranoid than to risk the innocence and safety of your child.
Be cautious Momma Bears! You are your child’s first line of defense.
By Janell Hihi