Scorpio: The Worst Sign Of The Zodiac

All my life I’ve struggled to understand why everyone I meet who annoys me to no end, just happens to be a Scorpio!

Sadly, that’s not where it ends. Many corrupt moguls, psychopaths, serial killers and con artist I Google just happen to be Scorpios.

That’s when I realized this was not some personal vendetta I had against Scorpios. Rather it was a generalized opinion most people shared that is backed up by facts.

Below is a list of the most common reasons Everyone Hates Scorpios!

1. Scorpios are loyal to their secrets.

They have a graveyard of skeletons in their closet. They love secrets, not people. Scorpio will take a lifetime of secrets to the grave. The best thing about this dark characteristic is their less likely to snitch even if tortured or threatened.

Scorpios get off on knowing things others don’t know. Unlike Aquarius who like to share and pour out knowledge, Scorpios hoard and monopolize knowledge.

2. They use their intuition to manipulate and deceive others.

They aren’t as pyschic as the astrological community claims them to be. They’re more demonic then they are angelic and can sense weaknesses like vampiric parasite.

They sneak attack when victims least expect it like the venomous scorpion they are named after. They can and will kill you eventually. Maybe not your body, but definitely your soul.

3. Scorpio has a dominating alter ego

Women in the streets but a whore in the sheets is an understatement! The Scorpio is the Preacher who has congregation of 10,000 people at his mega church who spends summers in Thailand raping children.

Spy on a Scorpio and you’ll witness their double life. Be prepared to be shocked to the core as their contradicting identities are revealed before your very eyes.

4. Scorpios are Perverts

My sister dated a psycho Scorpio once. Every time he breathed I was annoyed. He was a lying, cheating and abusive lunatic. One day my sister was doing laundry, emptied out his gym bag and guess what she found?

A PROSTHETIC PUSSY! With a bottle of lube.

These people are school teachers by day and Swingers by night. Sex is just as important as water. Especially kinky, taboo sex with their best friends boyfriend type of shenanigans.

Not to mention porn addiction and weird fetishes not limited to beastiality.

5. Scorpios are extremely paranoid

Any perceived threat or slight to their ego ignites extreme paranoia. Scorpios are always looking out the side of their eyes. They have a tendency to believe everyone is out to get them.

Appointing everyone around them as enemies gives Scorpio a narcissistic grandiose image that everyone is jealous of them or hating on them.

However, it’s their guilty conscience that makes them believe others are untrustworthy.

They remain quiet to remain observant because they always have to size every up around them in order to come out of their shell.

6. Scorpios believe in Petty Revenge

If you don’t replace the roll of toilet paper instead of telling you how that annoys them, they’ll give you the silent treatment for two weeks!

If you asks them what’s wrong, they’ll unemotionally retort, “Nothing!”

They’d rather get even by stone walling people then being an adult and talking about their feelings.

Scorpios don’t get mad, they get even! In fact, they have a secret vault of animosities and they must invoke revenge upon the perpetrators. The revenge will be enacted when the victim least expect it. Sometimes years later!

7. Scorpios are so quiet it’s creepy!

You’ll notice a Scorpio in a crowded night club sitting in the back alone in a corner with a expensive bottle of Champagne, wearing all black, people watching with a Charles Manson grin on their face.

They are loners who crave love and sex. They hate the spotlight but love dark alleys.

When asked a question Scorpios take a very long time to answer. They’re not slow. They have to strategically calculate everything they say. Unlike they’re tactless opposite sign Aries.

Scorpios want to be around people, but they don’t want to be around people.

They’ll go to a party or event and act hella anti-social confusing everyone around them. You might find yourself thinking, “If they aren’t going to socialize, why’d they come to the event?’

Just give them a few drinks! They’ll suddenly turn into a social butterfly gracing the room with their bipolar presence.

They’ll talk a lot when drunk but not about anything that allows you to really get to know them. Superficial topics that protect their vulnerability is all you’ll get!

Why are they social yet anti-social at the same time?

No one knows the answer to that question. Oh wait! Maybe a psychotherapist does…

8. Scorpios Mastered the Poker Face

Literally! Some of the worlds most famous Poker players are Scorpios sun, Scorpio rising or Scorpio moon.

What’s confusing is astrologers worship these demonic, duplicit, manipulative assholes as if they are in touch with their emotions.

They’re not! They hide, evade and deny their emotions behind a smiling face, a fake friendship, a charitable cause or a poker face.

If you’re supposedly emotional but you hide it all the damn time, what’s the point?

Water signs are Emotionally Imbalanced most of the time, all this hype about Scorpio, Cancer and Pisces being in touch with their feelings is laughable.

9. Bill Gates heavily invest in Monsanto

A classic Scorpio move is to hide an evil agenda behind his fake charity. Is there a company more evil to invest in then Monsanto? This is what makes Scorpios more two faced then Gemini’s.

10. Scorpios are extremely jealous

They must underhandedly one up you. Unlike a Leo who will blatantly one up you, Scorpios try to be sneaky about it.

Highly perceptive people notice Scorpios are so jealous and petty it’s almost pitiful. Anyone whose attractive, talented or smart makes the Scorpio feel small and threatened.

The Scorpio then unloads competing for admiration and attention. They can be fierce yet quiet competitors who secretly want all eyes on them. They are incomprehensibly contradicting.

11. They are terrible parents

Scorpios trust no one! Not even their kids. They can easily dispose of them allowing their parents or the foster care system to take care of them when the Scorpio is in their feelings and just don’t give a damn!

Their kids never, ever come first and are often neglected. Scorpios children feel like they barely know their parents because Scorpios rarely talk to their kids or open up to them.

12. Sarcastic, underhanded comments

You can count on a Scorpio to have a quick sarcastic and sadistic comeback for everything you say to them.

It’s annoying. They’re so defensive and talking to them is like an endless game of ping pong with long spaces of silence in between and psychotic, blank stares.

Side Note: It takes Scorpios too long to open up in relationships.

It’s exhausting dating someone who just wont let you in. Scorpios think vulnerability is a weakness and trusting others is foolish. No wonder they’re relationships are just based on sex the majority of the time!

If they eventually let you in after 4 or 5 years of you fighting to open their heart, the minute you hurt them all hell will break lose. Run!

13. They speak in a soft, fake innocent low volume/tone.

When a Scorpio talks it sounds like a whisper. Nothing annoys an Aquarius more. Speak up or shut up. No one has time for that Michael Jackson soft tone. Lack of base in your tone conversation.

Grab your hearing aids, you’ll need it. They talk low because they think everyone is listening in on them or eavesdropping. Truth is no one gives a damn about what they have to say.

Scorpios strategically talk in inaudible tones so that the person who is asking them a question has to say “huh, repeat that I didn’t hear you.” Until they eventually forget what they were asking in the first place.

Every time a Scorpio speaks they move in on your ear and whisper like they’re telling you Classified government information but you just asked for directions to the Nearest Popeye’s.

14, They’re always looking around like someone’s watching them

They are people watchers. Not because they’re interested in people, but because they’re secretly at war with people.

Scorpios remind me of fugitives on the run. It’s comical how they look around at people like people actually notice their existence.

Scorpios love to “say so and so is stalking me…”

Scorpios put restraining orders on imaginary people. It’s called delusional paranoia, and there’s no cure.

15. Everything is a Strategy

Imagine how it feels hanging out with someone who always has a hidden agenda. Well just hang out with a Scorpio.

Everything they say or do is to appear to you a certain way but under the veil who they really are stays hidden.

They’re motives behind their agenda is for selfish means to attain business, a love interest, money, fame or pity.

There’s nothing authentic about these calculating, selfish, scripted pricks!

16. Low key shoplifters

A Scorpio can be filthy rich but still go to Macy’s and shoplift. They get off on the thrill of tricking people.

It’s orgasmic to a Scorpio to get away with stealing things without people finding out.

They’ll steal your belt or a small accessory and find it amusing to witness you go crazy looking for it while they have it in their pockets all along.

17. They collect things from people

They steal things and collect them. Every Scorpio has a box of trinkets they’ve stole from people at work, past lovers, friends, and strangers.

Don’t be surprised if you find a pair of your underwear, used condoms and a piece of weave in their creepy trinket box. Look through it if you dare!

18. Scorpios are connected to the underworld

They see ghost, monsters, demons and are obsessed with cats and religion. They like Tarot cards and occult artifacts. They like the graveyard shift and volunteer to witness exorcisms.

They have sex dungeons and exotic pet reptiles. Weirdos!

19. Manic depressive control freaks

One day they love you. The next day they hate you. Other days you just don’t exist because they create an eerie space between the two of you out of the blue!

They are mostly depressed and can be really fun to be around one day and really miserable to be around the next.

20. They have a psycho blank stare

You know that feeling you get when someone is staring at you? Then you turn around and it’s a Scorpio staring into your soul.

It’s a blank stare that immediately makes you uncomfortable and uneasy.

Regardless of everything horrible about Scorpios, I still admire a few of them who overcame their darkness or have undergone a successful exorcism.

By Janell Hihi @copyright2017

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Narcissistic Bosses: The Real Reason for High Employee Turnover

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Let’s face it. Narcissist are everywhere. They’re literally inescapable. Narcissist have infiltrated the dating scene, the workplace, extended families and every infrastructure and system within the entire world.

Businesses with systems and processes created by narcissistic people become the ideology of twisted narcissistic rhetoric and dysfunction.

Unlike mentally healthy human beings, narcissist and the systems they create to oppress people, are unable to change or adapt to current times. Their ability to evolve is dead.

Instead of working through problems, finding healthy ways to cope and making an effort to become a better person, the narcissist is fixated only by remaining the same and continuing the status quo regardless if it’s in the best interest of the business or employees.

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In my upcoming book, How to Defeat a Narcissist, I make a striking comparison of narcissistic personality disorder and the Return of the Dead. Like a dead species, narcissist are unable to grow, learn or evolve into a new way of thinking. Therefore, when we enter an intimate or work related relationship with a narcissist, the relationship can’t evolve. There is a proverbial glass ceiling and the goal of progression stops at a dead end every time.

Narcissism is maladaptive and only concerned with maintaining power over others regardless of what tangible success the company stands to lose. For example, high performing employees get no where with narcissistic bosses. High performers in the workplace take a fall from grace with narcissistic organizations.

Instead of being acknowledged as an asset, High Performers are despised.

When high performers are hired on, the narcissistic organization idolizes them. However, when they start to ask questions, offer ideas and solutions, essentially going above and beyond being a high performing and engaged employee, the narcissist feels threatened.

The narcissist is threatened in two ways. First, the narcissist weak, under-performing and outdated work processes are being constructively questioned. As I mentioned above, the narcissist is maladaptive and must maintain the status quo. There is no growth possible. Especially if it is not recommended by the narcissist himself.

Second, the narcissist starts to feel like he is losing his sense of superiroity just because an employee suggested an idea to improve a work process. Suddenly

Sooner rather than later, the narcissist will begin to devalue the once idolized employee. Suddenly performance reviews will be below satisfactory and the narcissist may even go far as telling you to stay in your place. Once the narcissist ask for your opinion and input, now the narcissist rejects it because it’s a threat to their ego and their narcissistic organizational structure.

Narcissist will despise the free-thinking, intelligent employee and praise the simple, non-threatening, ass-kissing employee. Most narcissistic organizations promote and hire on management that submit to the narcissist ill-devised narcissistic, power hoarding policies. Any employee questioning the narcissist polices or power will remain in a subservient position despite how awesome the employee is performance wise.

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Narcissistic Managers are Passive Aggressive and Lack the ability to give REAL Feedback

Doing a one on one with a narcissistic manager, everything will be all sunshine and rainbows until they have to explain why you didn’t get promoted or why they keep disciplining you in a passive aggressive manner that stunts your growth as an employee. A manager who can’t give employees real and honest feedback doesn’t want them to grow within the organization. Instead of giving an employee constructive ways to improve, the narcissist disciplines his employees by annoying them.

Narcissist boss specialize in Micro aggression’s.

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The narcissist will make indirect threats and snarky comments to destabilize the employee who thinks they are smart or doesn’t know how to properly bow down them. The narcissist will give them extra tedious assignments, move there desks every two-weeks, single them out of special meetings, opportunities or assignments.

The narcissist will talk behind the employees back and berate them yet smile in their face. The narcissist will use micro-aggression like it’s there first language just because they lack the courage to face issues head on. They like to call their passive aggressive, brush over the shoulders nature “soft skills.”

Like all narcissist, honest dialogue between mature adults will never take place. It’s a pipe dream. Talking to them, emailing them, meeting with them or even trying to reconcile with them is virtually impossible. They will act like they are engaged in resolving issues, but they are more engaged, behind the scenes to simply control you and keep you in your place. Your performance is irrelevant, only your ability to submit to their power tactics is what truly matters to the narcissist boss and/or organization.

Narcissistic companies do not have an official training program

This is classic narcissistic bullshit. A company that lacks a training program is trouble. What healthy organization would not take the time to create a training program to ensure their employees are knowledgeable about the company, it’s program, products and objectives?

Simple answer, a narcissistic company that feeds off training people on an individual level so that they can pick and choose who gets what kind of training and why. The narcissist doesn’t want all employees to be on the same page. First off they are lazy and second it gives them more leverage to control employees in a covert and manipulative manner.

The narcissist can hoard information and knowledge that can prevent employees from prospering in their position so that the narcissist remains in control and most knowledgeable. Narcissist hate sharing information. They want you to come to them for answers to stroke their egos and validate their sense of superiority. Start up or not, 3 employees or 100 employees, a company lacking a training curriculum is riddled with narcissistic management.

Narcissistic Employers Have No Policies in Place

Don’t be fooled by a company who lacks an employee handbook and company policies and procedures. The narcissistic company will lie to your face in the interview and tell you that they have an unrestricted environment and implementing policies and procedures creates the kind of rigid corporate environment they want to avoid. They want you to be human and feel free at work. That’s not possible. All companies need policies that act as boundaries to protect the company and it’s employees.

It’s bullshit. Like a narcissistic partner who is unwilling to commit to avoid being held accountable for their behavior, the narcissistic boss operates exactly the same. Without sound policies in place, the narcissistic company can “at will” unfairly discipline you, fire you, harass you, retaliate against you and treat you in a way that doesn’t hold them accountable because of the lack of policies in place.

However, if policies were enacted, the narcissist would have to behave according to standards. What defines a narcissist is their inability to take responsibility. The definition of responsibility in this context is one’s ability to avoid responding. An ambiguous workplace where anything the narcissist does and says goes is ideal for abuse and a toxic work environment. Avoid working for companies who have a “no policy” policy.

Narcissistic companies have a high turnover rate

If in every department of the company, the turn over rate is extremely high with weekly resignations and farewell emails. The company has some narcissistic, toxic and systematically corrupt issues intact. Especially when people in prestigious or higher up positions quickly vacate, there is trouble brewing in paradise and if you are an individual who can’t thrive under narcissistic regime, you’ll be the next one putting in a two week notice.

Narcissistic companies designates a villain and blames them for all the companies problem.

I am guilty for believing the hype. A company I worked for chose to blame all their corruption and their extremely hostile work environment on one person. She left the company and was still being blames. I bought into but I was unaware that they treated her in such a way that changed her behavior and eventually influenced her to seek employment elsewhere. W

When she left, there was no miraculous transformation of the companies policies or hostile environment. The same bullshit remained but it became even worse. Since she left the narcissism on every level of the company was turned up a notch yet and still they continue to blame a manager who left the company months or even years ago. The inability to take responsibility.

Heed the warning and plan for your exit. Your employment with a narcissistic employer will end with you leaving or suing. Your only fighting chance is legal action. Decide now if you want to expend the mental energy and loss of vital life source continuing to work for a company riddled with narcissistic management.

 

Narcissistic Repellent: Good Listeners Can Never Be Manipulated

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If you listen closely to what people say, how they say it and the words they choose to convey the message they are trying to deliver, you will immediately understand the pivotal art of discernment between facts and fiction.

It is wise to listen and paraphrase immediately after a statement is made, particularly after you’ve had an interaction with a narcissist.

Narcissist sugar coat, generalize, deflect and minimize important issues into casual, unimportant and dismissive conversations so that the other party in the interaction feels crazy for even asking, insinuating or bringing up a matter that appears important to them.

It is absolutely essential to quiet your emotions and your resistance when interacting with a narcissist so that you handle the interaction like an attorney rather than an emotional counterpart.

Narcissist lack human emotion and empathy so interacting with them from an emotional perspective will serve you no leverage whatsoever.

Approach the narcissist like they are your business partner, not your lover. For example, ask direct question, “Why did you tell me you would pay the phone bill but you didn’t?”

The narcissist will respond, “You never told me to pay the bill, you asked me if I would and I never gave you a direct answer. The problem is you always make assumptions and put unrealistic expectations one me. Why didn’t you just tell me to pay the bill?”

Before you act emotionally, dissect what the narcissist just said carefully.

“You never told me to pay the bill, you asked me.”

This is a deflection, if you respond to a deflection it will bring you down an unproductive rabbit hole. Do not respond to that statement.

“The problem is you always making assumptions.” 

This is the narcissist attempt to deflect the responsibility on you. Another form of deflection which does not deserve a respond.

“You always put unrealistic expectations on me.”

This is an accusation not rooted in reality which is another form of deflection. Do not take the bait! Do not respond to this statement directly.

“Why didn’t you just ask me to pay the bill?”

This is the ultimate form of deflection. A manipulative person who dodges personal responsibility puts the nail in the coffin when they ask a question that deflects blame from them to you. If and when you answer, you officially took the bait and you will find yourself explaining yourself instead of them explaining why they didn’t do what they were supposed to do.

So how do you respond when you can’t respond to anything they said because it’s full of deflective statements and questions?

You don’t respond to anything the narcissist said.

You simply re-ask the same question you originally asked. Using the example above you would ask, once again… “Why didn’t you pay the phone bill after you agreed to pay it?”

The narcissist will then accuse you of deflecting by not responding to their original statements. Don’t take the bait!

Instead, ask them to pay the bill now by saying, “Can you pay the bill right now?”

One of two things will happen, they will get angry and storm off or they will defend their stance by stating they never agreed to pay the bill so their not paying.

Either way, you probably won’t win if your dealing with a narcissist but you will certainly not have to defend yourself against something they did. In this case, I’d pay the bill and move on with my life… Without the narcissist in it!

Do you need help leaving a narcissist? I am a survivor of narcissistic abuse and I will be happy to listen to your story and give advice. One 35 minute, confidential call for only $14.95. Sign up Today!

Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Consultation

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By Janell Hihi @copyright 2017

When a Narcissist Insults you or Tries to Bait You With An Argument, Do This!

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Narcissists don’t talk, or communicate: they fend off, hide and evade” Sam Vaknin

Narcissist are insidious manipulators. They can get under your skin by disguising insults, giving you compliments with sadistic smirks on their face, or suddenly start ignoring you for no reason.

The narcissist craves for you to ask them, “Why are you acting strange, what’s wrong?”

Just so they can reply with, “Nothing!” And a shoulder shrug to dismiss themselves before you start asking more questions.

Narcissist want unsolved problems to exist within their relationships because it fuels the toxic environment that will eventually strip away your virtues, your patience, and inner peace.

The narcissist wishes to keep their victim in an anxious state. They never want you to be able to calculate or predict their next attack on you.

If you are in a state of anxiety with a narcissist and can’t seem to find your way out of the fog, I have a solution.

Everything the narcissist says and does is bait to drag you down further into their inner hell.

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Fight back with the 6 proven techniques below:

  1. Remain Unreactive: Act as if you didn’t see what they did or hear what they said. Act completely oblivious. They may try harder to bait you for a reaction but keep acting as if you don’t notice and remain unbothered. To release your pain confide in a close friend or family member. Just don’t give the narc the satisfaction of seeing you sad.
  2. Answer every question with a question: This will annoy anyone, especially a narcissist. If a narcissist asks you a demeaning question, never, ever, answer it. Ask them why they asked that question? Then ask them what answer do they expect? Then ask them what motivated them to ask the question? Then ask them why they are asking so many questions. But never, answer the original question. This way, the narcissist is stuck explaining why they asked you a question and you stay unengaged, and you don’t take the bait.
  3. When the narcissist gives you the silent treatment write them letters. Write the letter very sloppy so they don’t understand a single word written. Leave some of the letters on sticky notes and stick them to the fridge or bathroom mirror. Sooner or later they will ask what the hell you wrote in the letter and shazam! The silent treatment is broken. If you don’t live with them, send them a letter in the mail with sloppy handwriting and keep quiet until they ask you about the letter. This works like a charm! If they still ignore you, ignore them back and focus on yourself. Catch up with your friends, hang out and keep posting all your fun pictures on social media. He will realize sooner rather than later the silent treatment isn’t going to work on you.
  4. When they blatantly insult you reply with “Oh stop, you don’t even believe that.” Say it calmly and with a smile. Walk away from the confrontation or quickly change the topic to something more positive. Throw in a goal you just reached or even compliment them with how great they look. Another tactic to use when they verbally abuse you is to compliment them. Instead of insulting them back, give them a compliment for every insult they hurl at you. This will disarm them and throw them off balance. Say the compliments with a sincere loving tone and watch what happens! The narcissist will try harder or storm off to get away from you.
  5. When the narcissist gaslights you and calls you crazy, respond by saying the most annoying questions of all times… “I know you are, but what am I?” If you follow the steps above, it should never get to the point where the narc is able to successfully gaslight you because you’re no longer taking their bait. You can also respond to them calling you crazy by saying, “You know, you’re right. In fact, I just booked an appointment with a psychologist and may get on some meds.” Then ask him what medications he thinks you should try and what mental conditions he thinks you may have… Manic depression? Bipolar? Extreme paranoia? Keep asking him his expert advice on your so-called mental issues as mockery. But act sincerely like you agree that you are crazy and need professional help. Go as far as really booking an appointment with a psychologist on the terms that he has to go to your appointments with you. Watch the reaction. Suddenly, you won’t be so crazy after all.
  6. Never react and never get defensive. Disengage your emotions and respond to the narcissist with tact, strategy, and deflection. Never defend abuse, never explain yourself, always counterattack with clever techniques.

Try the 6 steps above and comment below to share your success story. This works! I’ve done it time and time again with narcissist family members and co-workers. If the narcissist becomes violent, seek help immediately. Leave and then contact the authorities.

Fight back against narcissist abuse by ultimately leaving the narcissist for good. Narcissist never change. It’s them, not you! Get out and do it fast!

By Janell Hihi

Copyright@2017

The Narcissist Favorite Victims: 4 Most Codependent Zodiac Signs

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In a recent article, I pointed out the top narcissistic signs in the Zodiac. This article will do the opposite by listing the 4 most codependent Zodiac signs. The narcissist purposely seeks codependent people because they are the perfect victim to prey upon.

The codependent has low self-esteem, a huge need for validation and a glitch that makes them give and give while accepting very little in return. Codependents accept non-reciprocal relationships and narcissist are inherently incapable of reciprocation which makes these two a match made in heaven.

What does it mean to be codependent?

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#1 Codependent Zodiac Sign: CANCER

Cancers are excellent caregivers. They also make great parents. Their willingness to nurture those around them with love, support, and attention can allow the Cancer to easily be used, abused and manipulated.

The nursery rhyme, “Mary had a Little Lamb,” is a great example of how Cancer’s follow their love interest hopefully and blindly. Mary’s little lamb is the symbolic representation of a Cancer and how they operate in relationships. They like to revolve around their partner.

The narcissist is immediately attracted to the Cancers parental-like characteristic because the narcissist had an abusive or an emotionally unavailable parent as a child. The narcissist wants to feel loved and supported and the Cancer is the only sign who eagerly gives love and attention unconditionally.

The problem with most Cancers is that they don’t know where to draw the line. They give and give and then become resentful. They give selflessly just so they can cry their favorite line, “But I gave you everything!” The Cancer’s dark side is to be a martyr like most water signs. Cancer’s want to be the one to sacrifice it all just to complain and whine about it incessantly.

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The victim role is their favorite role. They purposely attract people into their life who will abuse them, just so they can feed their emotional turmoil and depression. Like, most co-dependents, Cancers manifest toxic relationships into their life believing they can fix the other person. This never works, and the Cancer is always hurt in the end. Never learning from their mistakes.

Cancer’s capitalize off their sadness. The rapper 50 Cent got shot five times yet continuously brags about his so-called immortality in his rap lyrics. Cancer’s don’t share their testimony of their hardships and struggles to be a beacon of light for others. Instead, they use it solidify their proud role as the victim. They want you to know what happened to them. They want you to know how other people went out of their way to hurt them.

Cancer is one of the most intuitive and clairvoyant zodiac signs but they rarely act on their instincts. This is what makes the Cancer so puzzling and hard to figure out.

Cancer, like Pisces and Scorpio, can vacillate between being a codependent and a narcissist. After all, they are two sides of the same coin. They can play both roles simultaneously throughout their lives. However, they are more likely to be the co-dependent than the narcissist. Pisces however, is the only water sign with more narcissistic traits.

One thing you will never, ever hear, is a Cancer taking responsibility for their pain. Instead, they say sadistic things like, “It’s my fault,” or “Everyone thinks I’m worthless.” They want pity more than they want respect. FACTS! The narcissist preys on this desire and usually strings along a Cancer for decades inflicting varying levels of abuse onto them.

How Cancers can heal from narcissistic abuse:

Cancers can use their emotions to heal from narcissistic abuse. Narcissist hate emotions. They don’t want to feel because they are numb from the abuse they endured as a child. The cancer must learn to cut off their nurturing side and feel the toxic emotions and turmoil that the narcissist in inflicting upon them. When Cancers internalize the toxic emotions caused by the narcissist, they will gather the strength to leave.

Cancers must retreat into their shell, go “No Contact,” on the narcissist and “Feel” their way out of love with the toxic narcissistic. Once the Cancer comes out of hiding, their mind and heart will be clear, precise and all-knowing. They will leave the narcissist because they will finally realize that the narc is completely incapable of reciprocating  unconditional love.

#2 Gemini

 

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Gemini’s have a child-like innocence to them that makes them somewhat naive. Narcissist prey on their naivety. The optimistic Gemini wants to see the best in others to their own detriment. Gemini’s typically don’t believe what is being shown to them in front of their own eyes until it’s too late.

Gemini is the astrological child of the zodiac. Children are often victimized because they don’t know any better. With age, Gemini’s tend to harden and become more skeptical after they’ve been burned 6 or 7 times.

However, while in their younger years, Gemini’s will often be targeted by narcissist. It is vital that Gemini’s study psychology and become keenly aware of their intuitive abilities at a very young age to prevent becoming prey to narcissism.

Gemini’s must learn to trust their inner voice and avoid situations that can take them off the course of their divine purpose. Like a child, Gemini is very curious and experimental. Their desire to wonder off and try new things makes it very easy for narcissist to take the Gemini out of her comfort zone and into new territory almost effortlessly.

Gemini is a mutable sign, which means that they are flexible and can easily adapt to any situation. The narcissist will take the Gemini on a rollercoaster ride of toxic and euphoric emotions and the Gemini will easily adapt. The Gemini must learn how to stand firm and not just go with the flow. This easy going demeanor they inherently inhabit is what get’s them in trouble.

Gemini is the child of the zodiac and is naturally care-free, avoiding major responsibility and using cleverness to get out of the binds they put themselves in. They will depend on others easily like a child and therefore become codependent in a rather innocent and naive way.

The Gemini will try to “Talk it out,” with the narcissistic using their excellent communication skills, blatant honesty and logic to resolve issues with the narcissist until they realize that trying to reason with a narcissist is like trying to nail jello to a tree. It never works. When the Gemini realizes they can’t talk out their problems with a narcissist, they will begin to slip away and prepare to leave the narc behind.

How Gemini’s can heal from narcissism:

Gemini’s are highly gifted artistically. Mostly in writing, song, lyrical composition and speech. The Gemini should write, sing, rap and create stories to heal from narcissistic abuse. Drawing and painting may help too.

Gemini’s get too caught up in the way people make them feel. One of my favorite Gemini’s Lauren Hill, had a hook on one of her songs that sums up the Gemini’s dilemma, “When it hurts so bad, why does it feel so good?”

Feelings are overrated. However, Gemini judges 80% of their relationships with others based on high chemistry and feelings which are both unsustainable, unreliable and do not determine long-term relationship success.

What the Gemini will learn from dealing with a narcissist is to be less mutable and more fixed when it comes to allowing people to come into their lives and sweep them off their feet. They will learn that when something seems to good to be true, it is usually is. The Gemini will begin to shed their naivety and look at things more skeptically. Although in their child-like minds, full of optimism, wonder, and hope, they will always be more inclined to look at the bright side of people, and the world in general.

The narcissist will hate the fact that they can never, ever steal away the happiness and joy of the Gemini. Their bright beautiful souls are there owns for the keeping. Gemini’s will bounce back from narcissistic abuse like no other Zodiac sign can.

#3 Sagittarius

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Sagittarius have big hearts. This is especially true for the women, not so much the man. Sagittarius is ruled by the planet Jupiter. The largest planet in our solar system. What’s so special about Jupiter is that not only is its size but it’s ability to eat up comets that could destroy other planets.

Jupiter gobbles up planets and large meteors to protect other planets and that is exactly what the optimistic, charismatic, fun-loving Sagittarius does on a daily basis for other people.

The narcissist gravitates towards the bubbly Sagittarius with a strong magnetic force. Narcissist are energy vampires and Sagittarius naturally possess a ton of energy the narcissist can feed upon.

The Sagittarius will give and give until it dawns on them that they are being taken advantage of.

When the Sagittarius realizes they are being taken for a ride, the Sagittarius will take action. Sagittarius is a mutable fire sign which they can easily adapt and handle change. Most Sagittarius will confront the narcissist directly with cutting words that will unmask the narcissist.

At that point, the Sagittarius is aware of the narcissist game and she will begin to enact revenge or leave altogether. Leaving will be very hard for her and it is likely to be drawn out for several years.

She will cheat, fight back, inflict abuse and still continue to love the narcissist because of her inability to see a negative situation for exactly what it is.

The Sagittarius optimism can blind her. The Narcissist uses her positive attitude as a tool to keep her hoping and wishing things will be better.

Sagittarius love the idea of love and they get blindsided by the fairytale instead of paying attention to the nightmare that is unfolding in front of them. They love affection, attention, and validation.

Sagittarius needs to feel secure in a relationship. They do whatever they can to solidify that security. The narcissist uses this against them and dangles a carrot in front of the Sag face just to enjoy the chase.

A narcissist cannot possess a negative, overly critical person. This is why narcissist never gets very far with Virgo’s. Although Virgo’s make up some of the most famous comedians in the world, they have a critical eye that can see the flaws in a person or relationship almost immediately. That is what protects the Virgo. The Sagittarius will benefit from a Virgo friend or parent who can help them gather the strength to leave the narcissist for good. 

It’s simple. By using their mutable gifts to transcend beyond the pain of abuse and turn it into power and courage to move on. 

#4 Aries 

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If you look up the definition of codependency in an online dictionary, a picture of an Aries female will appear.

Aries put love over EVERYTHING. This is both an extraordinary gift and a life-altering curse.

Aries is the ride or die chick the narcissist dreams of possessing. She loves unconditionally. She forgives easily because like a good little codependent she takes the blame for everything the narcissist does to her.

“Maybe I should of lost weight and he wouldn’t have cheated,” Aries says things like that. They will blame their mother, their best friend and even their child for abuse caused by the narcissist just so they can hold on to their relationship for dear life!

Aries is the first sign of the Zodiac. Their astrological age is the infant. It is scientifically proven that infants need love, touch, and affection to survive and thrive.

Aries needs love to survive. Literally! They are pure, innocent, adorable and incredibly open to learning with a spark of curiosity, wonder and genius.

Aries are blessed with being both highly intelligent and artistic. I know, it’s not fair. But who could be mad at them, they are like cute, tiny little infants that we want to hold close and spoil.

Aries loves to be spoiled and the narcissist will love-bomb the Aries and completely sweep her off of her feet in the honeymoon stage of the relationship. The Aries will fall in love fast and furious with the narcissist.

When he begins to show his true colors, the Aries would rather live in denial than face the truth that they got played. The narcissist had his mask on and now it’s off. The Aries continues to believe it’s her fault and she spends every moment trying to figure out what she did wrong and why all of a sudden she is unworthy of his love.

Aries is a Cardinal, fire signs so they will confront the narcissist directly with no filters. However, they will never get the truth. Aries are raw and honest individuals and they can’t quite comprehend why they don’t get direct answers from narcissist when they ask them direct questions.

The Aries will react hostile and in some cases even violently to the narcissistic abuse. The problem is she won’t take corrective action. She only reacts emotionally, not strategically. The narcissist is able to play her like a string because of it.

Corrective action is leaving the narcissist. She won’t leave easily. It will take years or even decades of abuse for her to gather the courage to leave someone she loves because she truly believes she needs this man to survive. Expect the police to be called often because Aries is confrontational.

She may do something out of anger to retaliate against her abuser that could land her in prison. She will make the mistake of neglecting her kids, her friends, her family and her health to be with the man she loves. There are no boundaries. Her harshest lesson is that love is NOT sacrifice. Love is a mutual exchange of energy, respect, honesty, and effort.

How can Aries heal from narcissistic abuse?

Aries is a leader. She is a natural born go-getter. If she summons up her determination to leave the narcissist, she can leave without hesitation for good. She has the power to never look back. People gravitate to her fire, she is a warmth comfort to many on a cold night. There are worthy people waiting to receive her love with total devotion and reciprocity.

If you have a sun or moon sign in any of the signs above, be strong and be brave. Do not let your love and light be taken for granted. It is because you have so much of it, those deprived of it, purposely seek you out.

By Janell Hihi Copyright@2017

 

 

Narcissist Communication Style: Deflection, Gaslighting & The Silent Treatment.

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Narcissists don’t talk, or communicate: they fend off, hide and evade” Sam Vaknin

Have you ever called a guy you were dating to share some very exciting news?

When he answers the phone he’s excited to hear from you. However, when you share with him your excitement for landing a book deal, or getting that promotion at work, suddenly his tone changes. He’s no longer excited, instead, he is disinterested and bored!

A narcissist doesn’t care about anything significant in your life. It’s torture to even have to listen to anything you do that is outside of your relationship with them.

You are nothing but an extension of them and if you’re not adoring them, praising them, or making plans to see them, they don’t care about what your rambling about.

Some narcissist will even make up a reason to abruptly end the phone call with you as soon as you tell them the good news. This is their passive-aggressive way to tell you that you don’t matter. Instead of saying,”Congratulations, let’s get together sometime this week and celebrate!” The narcissist will respond by saying, “oh, okay!” Then quickly change the subject to something that revolves around them.

This is a covert, and passive-aggressive way to tell you that you are still insignificant to them, despite your accomplishments.

Other narcissists will respond, “Oh, good for you!” Which basically means they want you to stop talking about yourself and start talking about them or your relationship.

Narcissist Dismiss Everything you say that is not about them as “Trivial.” Even if you just left a funeral and your grieving a loved one. They don’t want to hear your sad stories.

Below are 5 communication techniques Narcissist use to reduce you:

#1. They cut you off mid-sentence. A narcissist won’t let you finish a complete sentence because, in their self-centered little world, everything they have to say is more important than listening to you finish a thought. There is a difference between talking to a hyper person who is excited to exchange dialogue with you who cuts you off and a narcissist who cuts you off to change the course of the conversation and make it about them. Example: You are telling the narcissist about a difficult co-worker at your job and they cut you off in the middle of your story and begin to tell you a story about a job they had in the past with difficult co-workers.

#2. They begin to multi-task when you start talking. Since the narcissist finds no value in listening to you unless you’re talking about them, they start to multi-task while your speaking. They do this by getting on their cell phone, updating statuses on social media, texting friends or watching TV as you try to communicate to them something important to you. Again, this is a passive aggressive way to tell you that they don’t care about anything you have to say, ever!

#3. Narcissist Repeat themselves often & Talk in Circles. The narcissist never has anything new to say because a narcissist doesn’t like to think outside of the box. They run on an internal and predictable script and they respond to things with the same dialogue quite often. They tell the same stories over and over again. They don’t care how many times you’ve heard it, they tell the story like they are telling it for the very first time. The story is about them being a hero or a victim depending on what kind of reaction the narcissist needs from you at that particular time. This shouldn’t come as a surprise because self-centered people are not good conversationalist. This is because they only engage in mutual dialogue when the conversation revolves around them.

#4. Avoids Conversations that Involve Confrontation. Since most narcissists are passive-aggressive, when you try to talk to them about something they did or said to hurt you, they try to avoid that conversation by any means necessary. They often say, “I can’t talk about it right now because… I’m busy, I have a headache or I’m tired.” They will keep making excuses not to talk to you to avoid being called out.

The narcissist doesn’t participate in real conversations with people to avoid intimacy, understanding, and problem solving that effective communication in relationships requires. If it is not a superficial conversation, the narcissist will do his/her best to avoid it.

#5. Deflects blame unto you. The narcissist will use reverse psychology to blame everything you accuse them of doing on you! Gaslighting is also put into the mix as you begin to feel like you are the crazy one because the narcissist keeps saying you are making things up in your head. Every conversation that involves you confronting the narcissist on an issue will leave you questioning your own sanity because they are so good at gaslighting and deflecting blame.

Below are a few examples of gaslighting and deflection in conversation:

“I cheated because you know how important sex is to me and you were purposely withholding it from me.”

“I hit you because you made me hit you. I kept telling you I didn’t want to talk and you kept talking.”

“I’ll help you fix your car this time, but your an adult. I want a woman who is independent who doesn’t need anything from me because she can do it herself.”

“If you can’t come over tonight, it just goes to show how much you really love and care about me.”

“I stood you up yesterday because I knew if I would of went to the event with you, I would have been miserable the whole time because you’re always accusing me of things I don’t do.”

“You’re paranoid.”

“You are crazy.”

“I don’t do relationship titles”

“I didn’t answer your phone call last night because I didn’t want to argue with you. I needed a break, you’re always nagging me and giving me a hard time.”

“I’m not ready to take the next step in our relationship until you stop being negative and starting arguments with me.”

“I am not your ex-lover, I won’t cheat on you. Stop blaming me for your exes mistakes.”

In closing, real conversations with a narcissist will never take place. They avoid confrontation or deflect and gaslight their ways out of tough conversations that are necessary for the survival of your relationship.

By Janell Hihi Copyright@2017

Stealing Light: The Cycle of Narcissism

energy vamp

There are two types of narcissist, the conscious and unconscious. Those who are consciously aware of their evil and destructive pathology, and those who are not aware of their vile and destructive behavior. The unconscious narcissist is completely oblivious to his own condition whereas the conscious narcissist is deliberate and calculating.

Both conscious and unconscious narcissist are equally destructive.

Victims of abuse and neglect can become narcissist and the cycle of abuse is repeated. A few months ago I seen the movie Split. It’s a thriller about a psychopath who suffered psychologically trauma as a child. He developed multiple personality disorder and kidnapped a few girls. His rage from his abuse was left untreated for too long and he was so enraged evil and demonic entities entered him.

Abuse opens up a gateway and evil is released through vile behavior acted out by human beings.

More than likely, the unconscious narcissist was abused by a caregiver or a stranger and when the abuse took place, their light was stolen by the abusive and predatory narcissist who took something from the victim without permission.

Violators steal light. 

They charge through others boundaries like a raging bull who see’s red. They believe they are empty inside because someone took something from them at a very young and tender age. They were not able to defend themselves and there was no one around to save them when the abuse took place.

Statistically, the judicial system fails to protect victims of abuse and more than likely justice is never served. This creates, even more, fear, hatred, anger and powerlessness within victims of abuse.

As a result, the victims feel an internal deficit. They are dim and in search of the light that was taken from them. 

The only way they feel they can obtain the light that they lost is by stealing it from others because that is how it was taken from them. Once they begin stealing light from others, the high is similar to a drug addict getting his fix.  When justice is not served on behalf of victims within our judicial system, anger festers and it is transmuted into resentment. Resentment seeks vengeance

Resentment seeks vengeance and initiates the cycle of abuse. If the narcissist who was abused doesn’t have children of their own to abuse, they will abuse others. They will seek out the vulnerable and they have a sixth sense in identifying them because they remember how it felt being vulnerable, powerless and an easy target of abuse. They like to work in schools, daycares, old folks homes or with people who have disabilities.

Narcisssist seek out single mothers to target and abuse their children. Every part of their life is set up to be in close proximity of people who are vulnerable, naive and full of life force, positive energy that narcissist can extract.

Untreated victims of abuse whose violators were never punished seek revenge. They morph into what they hate, an abuser! This is not the case for all victims of abuse, but it is true for some. An endless cycle of abuse is created and child abuse and spousal abuse continues it’s dreadful saga.

The powerless need to derive power from others by abusing them. This is true in every aspect of reality. If you’ve ever had a narcissistic manager, which I am certain you have because narcissist seeks careers in management and law enforcement where they can exercise power and dominance over others daily.

Narcissistic managers have a past. They have a story of abuse and victimization. Something happened to them that stole their light and now they make it a priority to extract light from you in every way possible the entire duration of your shift at work.

Being an empath, every time I am in the presence of a narcissist, I see right past their abusive behavior and I see a scared and defensive child, seething in the pain of neglect, abuse, abandonment and anger. I sympathize with the innocence that was stolen from them immediately. However, I no longer let my sympathy allow them to steal my light.

I have strong boundaries narcissist cannot break. I do not allow my smpathy towards them to enslave me into a savior role. I know that I cannot save them. However, I do know that I can point them in the right direction towards healing.

Every victim of abuse who turns narcissist needs to learn and practice the ancient art of mental transmutation.

“Mind may be transmuted, from state to state; degree to degree; condition to condition; pole to pole; vibration to vibration. True Hermatic Transmutation is a mental art.

Turning pain into power is your only refuge. It’s the only way to recognize your light is infinite and it was never stolen, you were forced to believe it was.

Instead of allowing the narcissist to steal my light, I give it to them willingly. This means before they try to extract it from me, I send healing and positive energy to them. Burglars who are greeted at the door of the house they’ve been plotting to rob with gifts would be immediately neutralized of their desire to steal. In subtle ways, I let the narcissist know that I am intuitively aware that they are suffering.

I invite them to like my “Kids Lives Matter,” page on Facebook, I let them know that I advocate for abused children. I speak to the broken child within them and do not allow their charm or persuasive ways to manipulate me or alter the course of my life.

I know that they can’t steal my light if I do not allow it! I trust my intuition and I am guided by my instincts. Therefore, I am not able to be used as an accessory to the narcissist. 

I protect the vulnerable. I protect my child from predatory influences, I protect my light not by hiding or protecting it, but by giving it freely to those who have been dimmed and robbed of their own.

I am a radiating fountain of endless light and those who need it can absorb it. If you know you are a source of infinite good will, you will know that your light can never, ever be taken! Other’s may try to steal from it but the flow never stops. Your soul is self-replenishing and it replaces the light that is stolen. I guess what I am here to tell victims of abuse is, they didn’t steal your light, you are not dim, you are an infinite fountain flowing with light and that belief allows you to heal from abuse.

The abuser’s goal was to disconnect you from infinite flow and infinite source by planting the seed of worthlessness, lack and deficit within your being. Pull that seed from the dirt and do not allow it to flower. It’s a lie!

Being replenished with light starts with a simple belief and that is; your divinity can never be depleted, to begin with.

Your light is still there. Stop the cycle of narcissistic abuse.

By Janell Hihi

Copyright@2017

7 Early Signs You are Dating a Narcissist

Narcissistic abuse is insidious, like a poisonous gas that is odorless and invisible to the naked eye.

It creeps up on you like a shadow and craves your fear, not your love. Narcissist collects people like accessories to wear them to embellish their self-image. As soon as the accessory starts to realize the narcissist ill intentions, the narcissist tosses the accessory to the side to find a new one.

No one wants to be in a relationship and feel like they are easily disposable but that is exactly what you will get if you date a narcissist.

I’d rather be proactive than reactive any day! So, what are the early signs the new hot guy or girl your dating may be a narcissist?

I have listed several of them below. However, if you are so thirsty for love that you refuse to see the reality of a situation, the tell-tell signs below won’t save you from the destruction the narcissist is bound to put you through.

The ability to be present and mindful while dating is what will save you from the narcissist. Learning how to be keenly aware of the energy others emit and making a heart centered decision on whether or not the person you are dating will have the privilege of being in your life.

“If you are dating without purpose and from an empty vessel and seeking validation from a man… you are fish in the net for a narcissist.”

Perhaps, the narcissist is here to teach you a lesson. The narcissist will enter into your life when your self-love is low and your boundaries are weak just to teach you a lesson. The lesson is, you have to love yourself first and being happy is a choice, it can’t be found in a relationship.

Keep in mind, you will continue to meet narcissist while your dating. However, your level of self-esteem will determine whether or not you continue seeing them or get rid of them right away!

Self-love is determined by how you treat yourself and how you allow others to treat you!

1. Dominate Conversations:

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On your very first date, you will notice how they drive conversation topics revolving themselves, their accomplishments, future goals, like, dislikes and preferences. Most of the rubbish they talk about is superficial. They just can’t be deep because there is no depth to them. Every time you try to insert your opinion, preferences or share information regarding yourself, they quickly redirect the conversation back to them or minimize whatever it is you shared with them. They show an obvious disinterest in ANYTHING you say that doesn’t revolve around them!

2. They are too confident

Narcs come off as way too self-confident, almost cocky. The first few dates this will appear very attractive to you. However, on the third date, it will annoy you to no end. The issue is they are not confident, they are incredibly insecure and trying to disguise it by being a little too sure of themselves. You will start to notice there is something very generic and inauthentic about them.

3. They Come on Too Strong then quickly become disinterested.

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The narcissist starts off flooding you with attention. It’s charming and fun the first few weeks, then it becomes overbearing and annoying soon after. They idolize you then they despise you! This can happen in a few week span. It’s very bi-polar like and confusing. Instead of letting a relationship slowly and naturally progress, they take off full speed and then crash and burn. If he’s moving too fast and doing too much too soon, he’s probably a narcissist.

4. They can’t take a joke and lack a general sense of humor.

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The best way to discover if you’re on a date with a narcissist is to make a cute little joke at their expense. Mentally healthy people can laugh at themselves. However, narcissist can’t handle minuscule jokes being directed towards them. Tell the joke, (Not a harsh joke) gauge their reaction. If they don’t laugh and they look at you completely dumbfounded then proceed to ask you to explain the joke because “They don’t get it,” You are in fact, dealing with a narcissist!

5. Lacks Empathy

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If you walk past a homeless man begging for money on the side of the road on your way to the restaurant together, and the guy you’re with says something very cruel about the homeless man, more than likely, this man has no empathy! If you want to test to see if someone has empathy. Tell them a brief story about something that happened to you and see if they say something empathetic or if they say something judgemental. The narcissist believes perfection exist and they are the epitome of it. So they expect you and everyone else to also be perfect and when you fall short of perfection they usually offer criticism over empathy every time! If they do try to make a scene and empathize with you, it will be one-worded and void of emotion. #Fakelove

6. They playfully challenge you when you say “No.”

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The narcissist just doesn’t listen to you, ever! On the first few dates, watch out for subtle signs. Example, they will ask for a kiss and you say “No,” they will keep insisting in a playful way you give them a kiss. They do not accept boundaries. If you hate fish, they will order it and keep pressuring you to try it. They get off by challenging your boundaries and breaking down your virtues. First, it’s kisses, massages and pressuring you to try things, then it escalates to convincing you to have a threesome with him and his friend. No Bueno! The guy who takes no as a challenge is a narcissist.

7. They are Secretive, Reveal half-truths and Tell Vague Stories

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Narcissist typically has a lot to hide. They usually have a girlfriend or lingering casual relationships they managed to sustain for years. However, nothing really significant. You will notice inconsistencies, vague stories, and shit that doesn’t add up. After the second date, you will probably be confused about their real intentions because what they say and what they do is not consistent. You will have this nagging feeling something is off because it is! Go with your gut! Do some digging on social media, you will soon find evidence that proves them to be a liar and manipulator.

Needless to say, if your new beau is showing at least 3 of the 7 signs above. Run for the hills and don’t look back. Narcissist wants to devour your soul, it’s not about love and it never was.

 

By Janell Hihi

Copyright@2016

 

How to Defeat a Narcissist

How to Defeat a Narcissist

Today, narcissist all over the world are being idolized and celebrated. Somehow, we’ve reached a new low where carelessness and cruelty is seen as superiority and brilliance. In our intimate relationships, the one who cares less is seen as the stronger and wiser  party in the relationship. However, carelessness is not a strength.

“You are not a better or wiser person simply because you’ve ceased to care.” 
― Clifford Cohen

The term narcissist is being overly used by people desperate to find closure in a relationship that didn’t work out and quite frankly was not meant to be.

The goal of this blog is to learn how to distinctively recognize a narcissist before you loosely throw around the term. Not everyone who has hurt you in a relationship is a narcissist.

In fact, we all have narcissistic tendencies. We’ve all hurt people unknowingly in the past and acknowledging that is very difficult to do.

“We are to give (and take) true love without falling into the narcissistic habit of only trying to take it in.” 
― Criss JamiKillosophy

The very issues you see with a narcissist may be the very issues someone seen in you from your past, and that is typically the person who was head over heels in love with you but unfortunately you didn’t feel the same way about them. Unrequited love stirs emotions that people will find a way to justify by painting the guy that was just not that into us, as a villain.

At some point we were once the villain. The very fact that most people don’t acknowledge that is narcissistic in of itself.

In my upcoming book How to Defeat a Narcissist: 25 Ways to Shut Down Narcissistic Abuse, I discuss in great lengths, how narcissistic encounters should be navigated and how pivotal it is to be knowledgeable of narcissistic traits and characteristics on the dating scene.

Narcissist are known as the wolf in sheep clothing. He is an illusionist who comes into your life appearing as your knight in shining arm. He showers you with attention, affection, gifts, compliments and promises that will put your anxious heart at ease.

However, beneath the surface lurks a manipulative, sadistic, abusive coward. The unsuspecting victim of narcissistic abuse wants to be loved but the narcissist wants to be feared. Narcissist have no use for those he cannot control.

“Hate is the complement of fear and narcissists like being feared. It imbues them with an intoxicating sensation of omnipotence.” 
― Sam VakninMalignant Self Love: Narcissism Revisited

The first few weeks, or even months, of dating the narcissist is referred to as the love-bombing, honeymoon phase. His charm is unmatched and he will say or do no wrong. His love and kindness will let down the victims guard and the narcissist will use their vulnerability to abuse them later in the relationship.

A relationship with a narcissist is like a fairy tale with a heart breaking plot twist that doesn’t end well for the victim.

Prince charming turns into a vicious monster. The vibrant energy and positivity the narcissist gave you in the beginning of the relationship turns into confusion, mental and physical fatigue, shock, gas-lighting, mental abuse, emotional abuse, deflection and devaluation.

Narcissistic hook their victims by shocking them from the drastic difference in their behavior. One minute the narcissist puts the victim on a pedestal then they knock them off. 

After the honeymoon phase, the devaluation stage slowly begins.

It’s never obvious. Narcissistic abuse is insidious, sarcastic and passive aggressive. The obvious first sign is the narcissist makes the victim feel insignificant and even crazy!

The narcissist goes from validating the victim to invalidating the victim. The victim becomes obsessed with the narcissist because they are stuck wondering why. Often, trapped in a cognitive dissonance desperately trying to justify the narcissist bizarre behavior.

“Invalidation is about dismissing your experiences, thoughts and above all your emotions. Indeed the intention is to not even allow you to have those thoughts, experiences and emotions. It‟s a way of invading your head and reprogramming it. It‟s psychological abuse (messing with your thoughts) and emotional abuse (messing with your feelings).”
― Danu Morrigan

How can you prevent the inevitable fall from grace? Be patient. Don’t fall hook, line and sinker for anyone during the honeymoon phase (first few months) of a relationship.  Instead, allow the relationship to unfold. Only time reveals who people truly are and everyone shows the best version of themselves in the beginning.

We don’t know a person until we experience an argument or disagreement with them. A true testament of an individuals character is how they handle conflict. The narcissist avoids conflict in the honeymoon stage of a relationship to hide his true colors. Everything the narcissist does is strategically calculated.

On this particular blog, I want to give a general overview to address all the emails I have received from my readers who believe they are in relationships with a narcissist.

First of all, you cannot be in a relationship with a narcissist, it will never develop into an actual relationship. Even if you are married to them or just a casual girlfriend. You’re not actually in a relationship, despite the title. You are a slave to a slave master, a helpless civilian to a dictator, a peasant to a king. 

Instead of a relationship, you are involved in a situation-ship with a narcissist. Since narcissist can’t experience real intimacy due to emotional blocks developed in childhood, fake love, is the only love you’ll receive.

Noticed I mentioned, “real intimacy.” Quite simply, narcissist can’t be taken seriously. At all! If you understand this law of human social interaction, you’ll know better than dealing with them on a serious, intimate level. You deal with a narcissist on their level, which is superficial, delusional and minuscule.

The purpose of the narcissist in your life: The narcissist will awaken your need to look within yourself and establish stronger boundaries. If you already have high self-esteem and strong boundaries, most narcissist won’t get past the 2nd date with you.

How to defeat a narcissist?

“Lies don’t end relationships the truth does.”
― Shannon L. Alder

The first step is understanding the narcissist’s moves.  Narcissistic obsessively follow a set pattern of behaviors that can be learned so that you remain one step ahead of them. The pathology of narcissism starts at a very young age due to a dysfunctional childhood. Please read my article titled “Stealing Light: The Cycle of Narcissism” to get a better understanding as to why the narcissist behaves the way they do.

Beat the narcissist at his own game.

Narcissists need to feel significant. This is their addiction.

Unfortunately, for the narcissist to feel significant, they must make you feel insignificant. It is essential to learn the psychology of narcissism because understanding their behavior frees you from blaming yourself for how badly they treat you.

How a narcissist treats you has nothing to do with your worth as a person but more to do with their anger, hurt and pain buried deep within their psyche.

The perfect analogy to the relationship dynamic you would encounter from a narcissist is that of an ill-behaved child who suffers severe social personality disorders and an overly stressed out parent.

There will never be an adult-like mutual exchange of love and energy with this person. Their goal in dealing with you is NOT to love you, it is to lower your expectations, ignore your boundaries and reek havoc on you in an insidious, indirect manner like a poison killing you slowly.

Below is a list of the narcissistic tactics and how you should deal with them accordingly.

  1. The narcissist has a closed off energy. In their presence, you feel something is either hidden or missing with them. It’s just something seems off. Despite their meager attempts to sometimes open up, it seems superficial, like they’re on stage putting on a show. Usually getting them to open up at all is, well impossible.

An example: Everytime you asks a narcissist how they are doing, they are always doing great! They do not appear real in any way shape or form.

An Example: If you display emotion, they display logic. They reason everything you say. It feels like your consulting in a business meeting not sharing your feelings with an adult who can empathize.

A narcissist can’t display emotion. Unfortunately, most of them were forced to exercise emotional censorship as children and they are not aware of any alternative way of being. Emotional censorship is when a parent forces a child to never show anger or negative or positive emotion.

The parent teaches the child that it is not good to show emotion, and they can not share how they feel in their home environment. Being emotional is bad, it’s weak and unapproved by the emotionally abusive parent.

Eventually, the repression of the narcissist emotions will blow up in your face one day and become narcissistic rage! That is discussed more in my book.

Narcissist hate holidays and birthdays

It is hard for them to see people happy, although they appear to be happy on the outside, they are dying inside. They do not like receiving gifts because “it’s too intimate” and they do not like giving gifts at all, so you are more than likely to get a really lame ass gift if one at all from a covert narc.

I dated a covert narc once, invited him to my daughters birthday and he acted like an ass the entire duration of the party. He had a miserable look on his face, was very indifferent towards my daughter who was the birthday girl and actually had the audacity to pull me aside and say that I am not paying attention to him! He tried to fight with me at my daughter’s party. Needless to say, I left him shortly after.

Narcissist hate celebrations and holidays, they sulk and get very depressed during these times. Seeing people happy is so disturbing to them.” Janell Hihi

Narcs secretly enjoy funerals, evictions, layoffs and breakups when it is happening to other people.

Covert Narcissist will not commit. To anything. Trying to plan a date with a narc? He/or she will agree verbally but rebel in action! How dare you try to confine them, subject them to obligation? They will find a way out with their myriad of excuses but they will never tell you straight up they just don’t want to go.

Your hope is their fuel. Making a “plan” with you would make you feel too comfortable. The narcissist wants all control. They want you off guard, off balance, forever in an unknowing state and they will manipulate you into believing that it’s just spontaneity. No, it’s an indirect control tactic, my dear.

Your response should be: This has to make you laugh. Keep laughing at the delusional little freak, and never, under any circumstances ever take them seriously. Make plans with “adults” in your life, keep your life moving. Keep your life fabulous!

Do call them out on it. In fact, call them out on EVERYTHING they do wrong.

Narcs hate being called out. Point out in an emotionally healthy way (they secretly despise your ability to express emotion) that they are LIARS. That they can’t be trusted. That they are in fact deceitful and they do not know how to keep their word. Do not be moved from your position, show them your poor opinion of them is an unchanging belief.

Even if you’re like me and played with a narc in the past by mocking their behavior and flaking out on them on several occasion’s too, contradict yourself and act innocent calling them out on their dirty laundry while denying your own.

Most covert (non-aggressive) narcs will never, under any circumstances express an attitude with you verbally. However, the aggressive narcissist will, but that is another blog.

Unfortunately, there are varying degrees of narcissism. So far in my life, I have encountered covert non-aggressive and aggressive narcissist. If you have never death with a narcissist it is essential to be aware of the early signs you’re dating a narcissist. Check out my article “7 Early Signs You Are Dating a Narcissist.”

The covert, non-aggressive narcissist reactions are just through their actions. REMEMBER, THEY CANNOT EXPRESS EMOTION. Calling you out would be an emotional act. They’d much rather pretend they are unbothered by you and act unrealistically nonchalant despite how awful your blatant behavior was towards them.

Covert narcs keep you at bay, at a distance, they fear getting too close to you. Aggressive narcs are possessive and controlling, they don’t want you to have a life of your own.

A covert narc doesn’t want relationships, he/she wants an open stream of “no-string attached,” casual relationships with multiple people.” Janell Hihi

Esteemology.com could not have said it better regarding the narcissist and his harem of women he collects that he never intends to commit to.

Usually, these are women who were tired of his hot and cold bullshit and they ended it but he asked to be their “friend” and they allowed it. It’s really not ever as simple as a “friendship”, it usually includes some kind of benefits. And a way to make you suffer for any narcissistic injury you inflicted on them.

Narcissists, in the same way, don’t like to throw away the people they’ve collected.  Both are pathological, unhealthy and dysfunctional. A Narcissist will offer up a friendship after he has screwed you around for the 100th time, but what he’s really offering is a membership to his harem.

He will throw you crumbs of affection and he will spin tales, hinting of a possible future together. This harem membership allows him to pop in and out of your life, mess with your head and keep tabs on you, while at the same time it keeps you stuck and fixated on him. Harem Membership does have its privileges, but the privilege is all his.”

Read my article “Casual Sex & the Modern Day harem”

They are not upfront about just wanting sex because they are confused. They really want power over you.

They send mixed signals constantly. One minute they “may” want to pursue a relationship, the very next minute they aren’t even dating you. You’re just a fuck buddy friend type of convenience for them in the grand scheme of things. What you are to them changes depending on their moods and egoic needs.

Covert narcs thrive off of selling you a dream, that maybe one day they may see you as girlfriend material… oh and they will change their flakey behavior when that happens. They will suddenly treat you with respect, keep their promises, be loyal, be normal! Except that will never, ever happen. It’s all bullshit they feed you to keep you around so they can have you at their disposal.

Most narcissists have this weird smirk on their face that is unchanging despite what chaos is going on around them.

They stare at you with a blank and fake, psychotic half smile. Their facebook profile picture may look the same or similar, scan your friend’s list and brace yourself.

This picture below is the signature narcissistic Poker Face, it’s just creepy! This actor nailed it!

The Silence of the Lambs (1991) Blu-ray Screenshot
The Silence of the Lambs (1991) Blu-ray Screenshot

When you stand up to a narcissist, what should you expect from them in return?

You should expect the victim role. Narcissist wants your pity more than they want your respect. If they can get you to feel sorry for them, they can manipulate you to the fullest extent. Check out this blog I wrote How The Narcissist Creates an Army of Defenders by Playing the Victim Role

Standing up to a narcissist is when you openly refuse to believe the “False self” that they portray to you and the world. You refuse their false self by calling them out on it and TELLING them who they really are. It is as if you have “Exposed” them. Be prepared for insidious revenge, they will, in turn, want to destroy you.

The destruction is indirect, they want to manipulate, confuse and use you. They accomplish this by keeping you in a fog. That is why it is important to leave them for good once you stand up for yourself and refuse to believe their bullshit.

A narcissist is known to initiate the silent treatment for days or weeks on in after you assert your boundaries or even after they make a promise or a commitment they never intended to fulfill.

They also get you back by throwing another person in your face by bringing them around you a.k.a, triangularization, and standing you up or canceling a date at the very last minute. They mutter under their voice sarcastic or degrading comments about you in public and in private.

Telling you immature ridiculous things like “I’m mean to you because I like you.” You may believe for a moment your back in the 1st grade but no, they really mean it.

They are really mean to people in any kind of emotional entanglement with them in general. Everything they say is partially a truth and partially a lie. If there is a such thing, narcissist are the “Inbetween People.” Who are never clear about who they are or their true intentions.

It’s actually true that if a narcissist likes you, he/she will indeed treat you like shit! People that they don’t like or care for really get treated nicely. This is exactly why most people who are mutual friends with the narcissist will not believe you when you tell them the truth about this person’s sociopathic behavior.

Narcissist interchangeably insults you and compliments you.” Janell Hihi

They will insult you but they will also compliment you, confusing you even more, as they in one instant throw an underhanded insult at you and the other compliment you. They like to keep you in a fog. They like to use the term “In the gray” as justification. Don’t buy that bullshit, just another narc trying to cleverly and logically explain his anti-social behavior.

A Narcissist backlash is always done in an indirect manner,  narcs say rude things about you or to you in a sarcastic manner to get a reaction out of you. Then have the audacity to say they were “just joking.”

Giving you the illusion that if you want to hang out with them you better toughen up, can’t be too sensitive because they like to “joke a lot” a.k.a insult you on the low.

An example of this from my experience with a narcissist is below:

I thought I was having a good conversation with a narc once until he switched it all up and said in a casual way, an insidious yet bold statement, that he had never met a girl as “Promiscuous” as me. When I checked him on the statement he made, he said he didn’t mean to use that word… I knew it was a passive aggressive attempt to insult me because promiscuity is not what I represent at all!

Narcs don’t do anything directly it is always disguised, indirect and insidious. You will feel it, that is if you care. Don’t care. Laugh. This is a joke, not even close to resembling anything that could ever be real and sustainable relationship or friendships.” Janell Hihi

Narcs hate titles. Boyfriend titles, husband titles, employee titles, anything that confines them to fit a certain role that heeds responsibility and makes them feel obligated. Even if they agree to a title, they NEVER live up to it.

Narcs will become husbands and boyfriends when “cornered” eventually but they will NOT act according to their titles. They will take upon the title to appease you but never change their ways. Your still nothing to them despite the rock on your finger. They will still maintain an eerie psychotic distance from you initiated by changing drastically as soon as you move in with them, get married, or become exclusive.

Ask a narcissist how they are doing and they always say “Great!” Even if they just left a funeral. They can’t keep it real in any sense of the word.

They are delusional in the sense that “Oh everything is fine.” All the damn time. Who do they think they are fooling? Everyone goes through shit and why are they so obsessed with maintaining this inhuman aura that THEY always have everything under control? They don’t accept that they are human and it’s ok to make mistakes.

The narc declares in his crazy little head, I am perfect, my MO is to be honest, straight forward and caring of others feelings. That is what he/she wants the world to perceive them as but the content does not match the label.

The narcissist is a scam. He/she is an e-coli virus that you need to RECALL from your life. Impose FDA regulations against the narcissist.” Janell Hihi

The Narcissist is a pretty shitty salesman. He sales his potential. He has no tangible, “working,” asset or product to sell you, just future promises. The narcissist is selling you a product that does not work now but will in the future… that is if YOU act right.

The product has several defects both cosmetically and eternally but he wants you to buy it because he promises it will “magically” work in the future and it will deliver heavenly like features you will be thankful you waited so long for it to work!

Doesn’t that sound delusional? Well, I hope you’re reading this and answering, “YES!”

Abandoning the Narcissist (Your best bet)When you abandon the narc he will come back and do one small good deed to reel you back in then immediately revert back to his bullshit ways. Saying one thing then doing another to no end. They are predictable, pattern driven people that are not that hard to figure out. They have rigid routines and typically are very easy to find.

They are passive aggressive by default, telling you what you want to hear and doing the direct opposite.” Janell Hihi

They feed you hope never delivering! Don’t buy what they are selling. You will never get it. It will always be marked as out for delivery but never land at your doorstep.

How to respond to the narc’s pattern of saying one thing and doing another… a.k.a passive aggressive pyscho bullshit?

Always reward behavior, never words. They get what they want ONLY when they DO what you want.” Janell Hihi

So how do you defeat a narcissist, it’s simple: NEVER PAY UPFRONT.

They won’t ever deliver and neither will you. It goes nowhere and nowhere is the perfect destination to strive for when dealing with a crazy asshole pretending to be normal.

My upcoming book is a game changer! Learn how to defeat a narcissist on every level and how to heal properly and move forward!

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Last but not least Narcissist will NOT leave you alone.

They will even tell you that. They say things that try to make you feel special like “I ain’t going nowhere.” And “I ain’t letting you go.” Well, you have made it so easy and convenient for them to get what they want they would be a fool to stop getting the free food.

Also, their inflated ego refuses to believe anyone would ever leave them. Narcissist are in denial, and that denial is what creates stalkers. SAD.

How to respond?

They have to be totally cut off. They can’t even be a friend or business associate! I usually threaten them with police involvement and harassment orders to get them to stop contacting me.

Even if they only call you once a week which is typical of a covert narc, which is usually to hoover or annoy you… Don’t allow their toxic energy into your space, at all, no matter how infrequent their contact is. The cut-off of the narcissist is eminent.” Janell Hihi

Again, no matter how far few and in between they contact you, they have to be cut off entirely having no access whatsoever. This is because they will try to sneak their way back in eventually.

For the narcissist to remain “casually” in your life is their best manipulation tactic to use against you.” Janell Hihi

This way they maintain complete control being able to contact you whenever it’s convenient for them, ignore you when they are busy without having to give you any explanation because you’re just “friends” casually be able to see you when it works for them, confuse you with mixed signals and keep you on the back burner with the rest of their string alongs.

Yes, allowing the narcissist to “casually” stay in your life without commitment is a trap.

They sell you pity saying things like, “Oh, so just because I am not ready for a relationship and I don’t want to date you, we can’t be friends?” The translation means, he wants to have you on his terms only, sex included. You must be very black and white with the narc. If they don’t want a relationship let them go, no friendship needed.

If you were in a relationship and you break up, do not let them stay in your life. When it’s over, it really has to be over. Severe all connections, you are not dealing with a normal person who really just wants to be your friend.”

It is, or it isn’t with a narcissist. Unfortunately, even when it is, it really isn’t so your screwed either way. Can you say “DEAD END?” That is the only direction you will be headed in when dealing with a narcissist.

dead-end-jobs

Get the Police involved early.

Threatening police and harassment order involvement typically will scare the shit out of a covert narcissist and he should leave you alone but may inspire stalker-like behavior from an aggressive narcissist.

Also, keep in mind, the covert narcissist will lurk on social media using accounts with fake names just to re-experience the thrill of overstepping your boundaries.

They may even comment and say something incredibly narcissistic that gives away their identity. They find creative ways to overstep your boundaries. Most of them really never go away.

I told a narcissist my boundaries once, and he said, “Boundaries?!” He gave me a strange, empty look as if I just insulted him and then he proceeded to say, “I don’t do well with boundaries, that doesn’t work for me.”

If that wasn’t a red flag coming from the horse’s mouth itself! I knew at that point, my departure was inevitable but what scared me was the fact that people who don’t like boundaries usually won’t leave you easily.

They really DON”T believe you want nothing to do with them, I can’t reiterate this point enough! You will often hear yourself saying to friends and family, “I told him I want nothing to do with him and not to contact me again, yet he acts as though I never said it!”

Narcissist really don’t get it! They can’t believe ANYONE would want to have NOTHING to do with them because of their grandiose, egotistical, unrealistic view of themselves.

They believe you’re just mad now and in a few days or weeks or months you will forget about the whole ordeal and let them back into your life… This is why they will wait a few weeks and send you a text or Facebook message saying “Hope all is well.” They do not know how to FUCK OFF.

Remain consistent with No Contact and contact law enforcement to help you if needed.

A typical interaction with a narcissist is as follows:

The normal person asking the narc to stay away from him/her:

“I don’t want to see you anymore, not even as a friend. You are a hurtful person. Do not contact me again.”

The Narcissist reaction:

“Oh okay, well take care.”

Then 6 days later the narcissist sends you the following text message: 

“Hey, u free to grab a drink tonight?”

It is the narcissist telling you in so many ways, “Your boundaries don’t mean shit to me, I will come and go as I please. I am not listening to you. I get what I want.” It’s really creepy and abusive.

However, once they really get the point they will walk away, you were nothing but an object to them anyways and they always have someone else in line to get narcissistic supply from.

Unfortunately, many women have weak boundaries and low self-esteem and this is what keeps the narcissist in business. He will replace you once he is absolutely sure you’re done with him.

How do you know you are done with a narcissist?

When you no longer believe anything the narcissist stands for. When you stop hoping the narcissist will change, your lack of faith in him will repel him and he will move on to the next victim.

You may still be hurt and feel betrayed but you no longer see any good in the narcissist and the illusion is broken. Since the relationship was based on illusions, once the narcissist is exposed, there is no foundation left for the relationship to survive.

When the narcissist realizes you no longer believe in them, they immediately lose interest. They will replace you or put you on the back burner. At this point, you should cut all ties to the narcissist to begin your recovery and healing.

If you don’t abandon the narcissist, you can get them to abandon you by exercising the following techniques below. Remember, after you inflict narcissistic injury it is best to do it and then cut off ALL contact with this person because they will be literally obsessed to enforce revenge upon you.

Additional ways to defeat a narcissist:

*Mock their behavior and laugh. After all, nothing about them is real, it’s just a game. Play!

*Date other people, keep all options open.

*Embarrass them. Expose them on social media or in public. Narcissist lives in illusion and if you reveal their true colors to the public, you have successfully defeated them!

*Be open to real love and you will never settle for Narcissistic bullshit.

*Show emotion with them. Extreme emotion. It freaks them out!

*If you find yourself attracted to a narcissist and you are actually contemplating a relationship with them, please go see a therapist to address your co-dependent issues and low self-esteem.

*Call them out on everything they do in an emotional and demanding way.

*Demand that they give you a title and don’t you dare see them until they do.

*Set expectations. Every time you talk to them remind them of what you EXPECT from them.

*Corner them by making plans and “Dates” keep reminding them of the dates by text, email, and calls. LOL

*Praise their friends but not them.

*Criticize them and reinforce their insecurity. They are never as confident as they appear.

*Complain about the sex.

*Keep talking about your ex in front of them.

*Say one thing and do another. But be blatant with it, throw it in their face.

They are too guarded and busy playing the “I don’t give a fuck card” to give you a reaction.

This gives you free reign to shit all over them. Cleanse your colon at the narc’s expense.

*BEST strategy? IGNORE THEM. Show complete disdain. Ride off unto the sunset like they aren’t shit to you well because of the simple fact that they AIN’T.”

Janell Hihi

Eyes_of_a_Killer_by_EvilAngel888

Run when you see this facial expression. Narcissist are spiritual serial killers, they may not kill your physical body, but they will butcher your soul.

After experiencing narcissistic abuse, how do you heal? Learn the number one way to get over a narcissist in one blog! READ NOW. CLICK HERE

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Sincerely,

Janell Hihi

Copyright@2016

How to Set Personal Boundaries without Expectations

How to Set Personal Boundaries without Expectations.

 

I must share a recent epiphany. Being in the gray means you are open to whatever results follow a given action. It does not mean you will accept it once it manifest.What does that mean in relation to boundaries?

It means that you don’t have expectations that will infringe on fate and the flow of the universe. It doesn’t mean that you lack in boundaries, it means that you are open to let things be what they are and see where they go.

It also means that if they completely go to the left and against your morals and value, you exit the equation instead of being bitter and upset about it. It’s about acceptance. It is not about whether or not an expectation was not met.

It also makes it very easy to forgive because you’re open to the truth and not attached to hopes, fears, and fantasies.

Knowing who you are and what you can tolerate actually has nothing to do with expectations.

Don’t believe the hype when someone gives you their spiel about expectations. You need to be very clear on the definition of what that is before you get played!

On the dating scene, the narcissist or the deceptive will try to switch the definitions to acquire what they want to get from you. This is when you must utilize your emotional intelligence and assert your boundaries.

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It means that at any given moment if you do not like the way things are going because of the simple fact it does not fit who you are, you end it! Some would say well then you had an expectation. This is not true. In fact, an expectation has nothing to do with self-respect and allowing people to treat you in ways that are not healthy for you.

Being In the grey, does not mean you tolerate anything, it means that you are not obsessed with a specific outcome.

Being in the gray basically, means you have the maturity to understand you cannot control everything. All that you can control is yourself and not allowing others to cross the boundaries that you set.

It also means you look at both sides of every equation and you are able to see other perspectives. Grey means you recognize there is more than one truth and there is not so much as a villain as there is a victim, either of which you refuse to be.

So the question remains how do you stay in the gray and keep your boundaries intact without creating expectations?

This is a balancing act but it can clearly be accomplished. First of all, even the most casual interactions require CLEAR boundaries. I can’t stress this enough. How you allow friends, family co-workers and love interest to talk to you and treat you.

Minuscule agreements such as booty calls even need boundaries. Significant interactions like committed relationships, borrowing expensive items to friends, what you eat, oh and the list goes on and on. The common denominator is, they ALL require boundaries.

 Remember a boundary is not an expectation. It is an acknowledgment of maturity, it states you know who you are and what will and will NOT work for you!

If there are no boundaries, anything goes! Which means your life will be completely out of control in every aspect.

All you will receive is vagueness, no details. You’re vague so everyone and everything around you will be vague, I call it the mirroring effect.

This is not a sustainable way to be. You will often feel as though you’re just a passenger riding along to everyone else’s agenda. You will be the target of narcissism and abusive people who prey on those who have no backbone. They know you want approval; they know you want to appear as though you’re cool, easy going and not a nag. They know you are afraid to assert yourself and your silence will be used against you.

You must understand you need boundaries to protect yourself and also to not disillusion others.

Usually what happens is you go along for the ride, without any boundaries and then you have the audacity to be offended by behavior that you find unacceptable.

You never clearly informed the other party that this is unacceptable behavior to you so you finally assert your boundaries after the fact!  You made an assumption that their morals of what is right and wrong were the same as yours.

This just creates a lot of drama that is totally preventable. So you realize after the offense you actually do have boundaries. And after further speculation, you start to understand the difference between being in the gray, not having expectations, and clearly asserting your boundaries.

Notice I stated “Assert your Boundaries,” because if you have unstated boundaries it is the same as not having any at all.

Actually believing you don’t have any boundaries just means you are disillusioned. It could also mean you have not spent enough time speculating what you want in life. It is a personal issue regardless that only you can fix. However, even once boundaries are created, asserted and set, abusive people will test you to see how strong you are.

The major obstacle you will face while asserting your boundaries is when you encounter an abusive or narcissistic person who pushes them after you have already clearly stated them.

Typically while dating and in a relationship, committed or casual if you clearly and un-argumentatively state what is unacceptable to you and that person repeatedly engages in that behavior. Your work is done. You asserted your boundaries. There is no need to reiterate them; there is only a need to leave that situation as soon as possible. Boundaries are parameters that are non-negotiable. Once they are broken, it’s open season on your ass!

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When you state your boundaries and someone continues to push them, that is abuse. Plain and simple.

My request to you, if you do not have any clear boundaries set regarding what is acceptable and unacceptable to you, sit down and do the work. Grab a pen and paper, be honest with yourself and honor yourself!

Write them down. Keep them handy until they are internalized. Practice saying them in a clear and loving way. Your life will magnificently change into to what you want it to be, with less drama and more clarity.

I will be posting a specific blog on how to create boundaries according to who you are as an individual very soon!

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By Janell Hihi

Copyright@ 2016