“Invalidation is about dismissing your experiences, thoughts and above all your emotions. Indeed the intention is to not even allow you to have those thoughts, experiences and emotions. It‟s a way of invading your head and reprogramming it. It‟s psychological abuse (messing with your thoughts) and emotional abuse (messing with your feelings).” ― Danu Morrigan
“Stay away from lazy parasites, who perch on you just to satisfy their needs, they do not come to alleviate your burdens, hence, their mission is to distract, detract and extract, and make you live in abject poverty.” ― Michael Bassey Johnson
“Playing the victim role: Manipulator portrays him- or herself as a victim of circumstance or of someone else’s behavior in order to gain pity, sympathy or evoke compassion and thereby get something from another. Caring and conscientious people cannot stand to see anyone suffering and the manipulator often finds it easy to play on sympathy to get cooperation.”
― George K. Simon Jr., In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People
“Narcissists are consumed with maintaining a shallow false self to others. They’re emotionally crippled souls that are addicted to attention. Because of this they use a multitude of games, in order to receive adoration. Sadly, they are the most ungodly of God’s creations because they don’t show remorse for their actions, take steps to make amends or have empathy for others. They are morally bankrupt.” ― Shannon L. Alder
“Nobody should be in a position where they are suffering abuse at the hands of another, and if this is the case for you, stopping the abuse by leaving the situation is the only course of action to take.” ― Theresa Jackson
“Gaslighting is a distorted alternate reality.” ― Tracy Malone
“The narcissist is like a bucket with a hole in the bottom: No matter how much you put in, you can never fill it up. The phrase “I never feel like I am enough” is the mantra of the person in the narcissistic relationship. That’s because to your narcissistic partner, you are not. No one is. Nothing is.”
― Ramani Durvasula, Should I Stay or Should I Go?: Surviving a Relationship with a Narcissist
“Every narcissist is a hero and a legend in his own mind.” ― Oscar Auliq-Ice
“A narcissist, on the other hand, is the exact opposite of an empath. Emotionally, narcissists are like brick walls who see and hear others but fail to understand or relate to them. As a result of their emotional shallowness, narcissists are essentially devoid of all empathy or compassion for other people. Lacking empathy, a narcissist is a very destructive and dangerous person to be around.” ― Mateo Sol, Awakened Empath: The Ultimate Guide to Emotional, Psychological and Spiritual Healing
“It is not accidental that the most unsympathetic characters in Austen’s novels are those who are incapable of genuine dialogue with others. They rant. They lecture. They scold. This incapacity for true dialogue implies an incapacity for tolerance, self-reflection and empathy.” ― Azar Nafisi,Reading Lolita in Tehran: A Memoir in Books
“There came a time in my life when I had to admit to myself that I have some very clear narcissistic tendencies. Ironically, it occurred during the writing of my book The Emotionally Abused Woman. As I listed the symptoms of narcissism, I was amazed to find that I recognized myself in the description of the disorder.
It should have been no surprise to me because I come from a long line of narcissists. My mother and several of her brothers suffered from the disorder, as did her mother. For some reason, though, I imagined that I’d escaped our family curse. I should have known that it’s not that easy to.” ― Beverly Engel, Jekyll and Hyde Syndrome
“Don’t ever believe that Narcissists don’t understand they have hurt you. They know exactly what they did and why they did it. The reason they can’t stop their abuse is because the narcissistic supply is their addiction. Unlike, drug addicts that need their fix to feel normal, narcissists need to feel significant. This is their addiction. Even if it takes destructive ways to have this emotional balance they will pursue it. Your feelings don’t count only the supply does. The greater the supply the greater the drama in your life as they pursue it. So, get over believing they don’t understand. They do understand. You just found out and got in the way of their easy access to greater supply than you.” ― Shannon L. Alder
“Maybe, the lesson we can all learn from the inner sadness of a Narcissist is to see through our own fabrications, our own illusions so that we can be set free to be real once more.” ― Shannon L. Alder
“Some people seem like a bright light during your darkest moment… a beautiful refuge… but it’s a trap… there is only more pain there. Now that I think about it… I imagine that’s what bugs feel like when they fly into the zapper.” ― Steve Maraboli
“Since there was nothing at all I was certain of, since I needed to be provided at every instant with a new confirmation of my existence, since nothing was in my very own, undoubted, sole possession, determined unequivocally only by me — in sober truth a disinherited son — naturally I became unsure even of the thing nearest to me, my own body.” ― Franz Kafka, Letter to His Father
Narcissist will bring out the absolute worst qualities within their victims.
By constantly poking at their victims using overt and covert manipulative tactics, the victim will eventually react negatively in anger, rage and sometimes violence.
“Don’t push me cause I’m close to the edge…”
Narcissist desire to drive their victims to the edge only to push him off so they fall into that sunken place of chronic negatively, reactivity, and self-sabotage.
An effective way to determine if a relationship is healthy is to ask yourself if your partner brings out the best in you, or the worst in you?
I had a neighbor who was 9 months pregnant and living with her narcissitic boyfriend at the time. He inflicted so much mental and emotional abuse upon her that one argument they had, changed her life forever!
She lost control during an argument with the narcissist and it turned physical. She was so angry she lost sight of the fact that she was pregnant and endangered herself and her unborn child.
The narcissist left the house as she was trying to explain how his actions and harsh words hurt her. Instead of listening, he abruptly left the house, jumped in his car and sped off. Typically, she would let him leave and cry herself into a slumber. However, this time. She felt like she had enough!
She got in her car and proceeded to chase him down a residential street going 90mph in a 30 mph zone.
She hit a car and killed the driver. She went to prison for several years after be charged with vehicular manslaughter. This is why narcissistic abuse is so dangerous!
You cannot live with, sleep with, eat with, and spend all your time with a narcissist and not absorb their toxic energy and behavior.
There’s a saying that we are the average of the top 5 people that we spend the most time with.
Unfortunately, victims of narcissistic abuse begin to manifest anger, negativity, toxicity, irresponsibility and recklessness by simply being in proximity of a narcissist for long periods of time.
You are what you eat and you become who you sleep with. Most narcissistic abuse victims don’t become full fledge narcissist but they do start to exhibit highly negative qualities that they tried to overcome at one point in their life, but the narcissist conjures up and brings those qualities back to the surface.
For example, if you were once a cigarette smoker and had an unhealthy diet, being with a narcissist will make you want to go back to bad habits you overcame. You may begin eating unhealthy foods again, smoking cigarettes and neglecting your gym membership because the narcissist will stress you out to the point of depression and hopelessness.
Most victims of narcissistic abuse will cling to any form of comfort they can to cope with their abuse regardless of how unhealthy that source of comfort may be.
Depression takes individuals away from the hobbies and activities that once made them happy. From there on out, the victim of narcissistic abuse will begin to see their life spiral downward into hopelessness and despair.
The narcissist will mock your weaknesses. If they find a chink in your armor they will continually poke at it until you snap and lose control.
When the narcissist can provoke the victim into reacting angrily and emotionally, they begin to play the victim like a puppet on a string.
The narcissist wishes to strip the victim of their good qualities and virtues so that they can bring out the absolute worst in their partner. Once that is accomplished and the victim is an emotionally reactive, angry and out of control… the narcissist will begin a smear campaign painting his partner as the crazy villain while they play the victim role.
Narcissist laugh at their partners under their breath in a very subtle in cunning way to slowly but surely, chip away their partners self-esteem.
Narcissist are skilled sculptors who carve away at their partners sense of self to mold them into a smaller, co-dependent and insignificant figurine.
The narcissist wants their victim to turn on themselves. They want their partners to lower their expectations, discard their personal boundaries and throw away their values in order to be in a relationship with them.
The only way to defeat a narcissist is to stick with your values and never lower your expectations or boundaries to accommodate the narcissist desires. Narcissist stand no chance with individuals who are grounded in self-love and self-respect.
Believe it or not, the narcissist does not want to destroy you. The narcissist wants you to destroy YOURSELF!
The narcissist highest goal is to be a masterful manipulator to the point where they abuse you in such a subtle way that you have no idea what’s going on. Nor does anybody else around them.
Narcissist are NOT confrontational. They are cowards and they never want to get to the real issues. They revel behind your back and smile in your face by simultaneously complimenting you and low-key insulting you at the same time!
Of course, when they’re with friends and family and their partner is not around, the narcissist will talk very badly about their partner in a joking way to disguise their inner hatred and turmoil they feel toward their partner.
Basically, the narcissist significant other is always the brunt of the narcissist low-key insulting jokes.
The number one characteristic that narcissist like to attack is their partners level of intelligence.
I dated a narcissist who spoke very badly about his baby mamas. Of course, he had more then one.
His most recent baby momma he would refer to as an airhead with no education. He would joke about things she would do as a new mother that made her appear to lack common sense.
It was alarming how quickly he would say terrible things about her character referring to her as sexually promiscuous, not very intelligent and irresponsible. Then, in the very next instant he would say how much he once loved her and how badly she hurt him.
Nothing the narcissist says makes any sense whatsoever. This is part of the plan to keep the victim stuck in a perpetual state of confusion.
My ex would also constantly put down his ex wife who has a child with him and refer to her as ghetto and weird because of her personal style.
Once his ex wife called, while I was with him and she asked him if he knows anyone who can fix her car and he said to her, “No, that’s not my problem. Why are you calling me?!” Then he hung up on her. Mind you, his best friend is a co-owner at a auto shop.
I thought to myself, how could he be so nice to me and so rude and disrespectful to the mothers of his children? Obviously, he made me feel like I was better than them and he would never talk to me that way. Boy, was I naive!
Of course, with all those glaring red flags, I stuck around because I didn’t want to deal with tending to my own issues which is why I choose to be in a relationship instead of rebuilding my life after divorce.
That’s another blog.
Narcissist will show you how they will treat you after the honeymoon phase by showing you how they treat others around them.
Look at how they treat strangers asking for directions, waiters, their parents, and the mother of their child.
Watch their tone, their body language and the cruel and lifeless look in their eyes.
As I watched my ex talk badly about how stupid his ex girlfriend was, I immediately noticed how he got off on it.
Narcissist need to feel superior to their partners at all times.
First the narcissist indirectly insults their partner with sarcasm disguised as humor.
They will make undermining comments about their partners intelligence, weight, personal style, occupation, family and even their child.
The narcissist will sometimes directly insult their partner but that is very rare. The narcissist wants to plant the seed of self-doubt and insanity within their partner.
It’s far more convincing if the victim starts believing that they are stupid, crazy and irresponsible rather than the narcissist directly telling them to their face.
Narcissist plant seeds. Most narcissist never directly criticize or verbally insult their significant others. However, there is exceptions if or when they go into narcissist rage.
It’s important to understand that the narcissist vets out narcissistic supply by choosing a partner who they feel is “less than” them. Or, by choosing a partner who they believe they can easily break down.
They prefer partners who make less money, are less educated or significantly younger so that they can instill in the younger partner that they are inferior because of their age and/or maturity.
The narcissist will do whatever it takes to feel more significant in the relationship. I found it very difficult to tell my ex about the things that were happening in my life because I feared he would judge and criticize me like he did with his ex girlfriends.
Narcissist judge others harshly while their own life is falling apart.
Of course, narcissist can be hiding assets in storage, avoiding financial ruin, filing bankruptcy and foreclosed on 3 different properties but somehow, they can still muster up the words to judge other people harshly.
You would think because they are so critical, they’re lives must be perfect. That is so far from the truth.
I remember when I first met my narcissistic ex, it seems he could do no wrong and he’d never try to make me feel bad about myself because he constantly swooned me with compliments.
I got a wake up call when suddenly I started waking up in the middle of the night with panic attacks and he had the audacity to tell me, he didn’t want to be with a girl who had panic attacks.
He said he wanted to be with a “healthy girl.”
I was so hurt and confused because this man was on 3 different anti-depressant medications and I accepted the fact that he would probably be on anti-depressants for the rest of his life to treat his depression.
However, when one little medical issue appeared with me, he was ready to leave the relationship.
Who the narcissist is, and who he thinks he is, remains a stagnating self-delusion.
It turns out, all the stress of dealing with my ex narcissist from our on and off again relationship activated my Graves Disease which was doormat for years. My hyperthyroid gave me panic attacks in the middle of the night. When I left him, it only took 3 weeks for my panic attacks to completely subside.
I’d rather have a man beat me to a pole, then chip away at my soul like the vampiric narcissist does so well.
If you stick around long enough without appearing completely destroyed by the narcissist, he will start to beat you down physically and mentally. It’s best to play dead and get out before it get’s to that point.
It’s important to remember the narcissist move in a subtle way to subconsciously manipulate you into destroying yourself so that he doesn’t has to. That way, he can continue to tell everyone, “She’s crazy.”
Listen to that little voice of reason that whispers to you, “Something is NOT right about this person.” Then Run for your life!
Let’s face it. Narcissist are everywhere. They’re literally inescapable. Narcissist have infiltrated the dating scene, the workplace, extended families and every infrastructure and system within the entire world.
Businesses with systems and processes created by narcissistic people become the ideology of twisted narcissistic rhetoric and dysfunction.
Unlike mentally healthy human beings, narcissist and the systems they create to oppress people, are unable to change or adapt to current times. Their ability to evolve is dead.
Instead of working through problems, finding healthy ways to cope and making an effort to become a better person, the narcissist is fixated only by remaining the same and continuing the status quo regardless if it’s in the best interest of the business or employees.
In my upcoming book, How to Defeat a Narcissist, I make a striking comparison of narcissistic personality disorder and the Return of the Dead. Like a dead species, narcissist are unable to grow, learn or evolve into a new way of thinking. Therefore, when we enter an intimate or work related relationship with a narcissist, the relationship can’t evolve. There is a proverbial glass ceiling and the goal of progression stops at a dead end every time.
Narcissism is maladaptive and only concerned with maintaining power over others regardless of what tangible success the company stands to lose. For example, high performing employees get no where with narcissistic bosses. High performers in the workplace take a fall from grace with narcissistic organizations.
Instead of being acknowledged as an asset, High Performers are despised.
When high performers are hired on, the narcissistic organization idolizes them. However, when they start to ask questions, offer ideas and solutions, essentially going above and beyond being a high performing and engaged employee, the narcissist feels threatened.
The narcissist is threatened in two ways. First, the narcissist weak, under-performing and outdated work processes are being constructively questioned. As I mentioned above, the narcissist is maladaptive and must maintain the status quo. There is no growth possible. Especially if it is not recommended by the narcissist himself.
Second, the narcissist starts to feel like he is losing his sense of superiroity just because an employee suggested an idea to improve a work process. Suddenly
Sooner rather than later, the narcissist will begin to devalue the once idolized employee. Suddenly performance reviews will be below satisfactory and the narcissist may even go far as telling you to stay in your place. Once the narcissist ask for your opinion and input, now the narcissist rejects it because it’s a threat to their ego and their narcissistic organizational structure.
Narcissist will despise the free-thinking, intelligent employee and praise the simple, non-threatening, ass-kissing employee. Most narcissistic organizations promote and hire on management that submit to the narcissist ill-devised narcissistic, power hoarding policies. Any employee questioning the narcissist polices or power will remain in a subservient position despite how awesome the employee is performance wise.
Narcissistic Managers are Passive Aggressive and Lack the ability to give REAL Feedback
Doing a one on one with a narcissistic manager, everything will be all sunshine and rainbows until they have to explain why you didn’t get promoted or why they keep disciplining you in a passive aggressive manner that stunts your growth as an employee. A manager who can’t give employees real and honest feedback doesn’t want them to grow within the organization. Instead of giving an employee constructive ways to improve, the narcissist disciplines his employees by annoying them.
Narcissist boss specialize in Micro aggression’s.
The narcissist will make indirect threats and snarky comments to destabilize the employee who thinks they are smart or doesn’t know how to properly bow down them. The narcissist will give them extra tedious assignments, move there desks every two-weeks, single them out of special meetings, opportunities or assignments.
The narcissist will talk behind the employees back and berate them yet smile in their face. The narcissist will use micro-aggression like it’s there first language just because they lack the courage to face issues head on. They like to call their passive aggressive, brush over the shoulders nature “soft skills.”
Like all narcissist, honest dialogue between mature adults will never take place. It’s a pipe dream. Talking to them, emailing them, meeting with them or even trying to reconcile with them is virtually impossible. They will act like they are engaged in resolving issues, but they are more engaged, behind the scenes to simply control you and keep you in your place. Your performance is irrelevant, only your ability to submit to their power tactics is what truly matters to the narcissist boss and/or organization.
Narcissistic companies do not have an official training program
This is classic narcissistic bullshit. A company that lacks a training program is trouble. What healthy organization would not take the time to create a training program to ensure their employees are knowledgeable about the company, it’s program, products and objectives?
Simple answer, a narcissistic company that feeds off training people on an individual level so that they can pick and choose who gets what kind of training and why. The narcissist doesn’t want all employees to be on the same page. First off they are lazy and second it gives them more leverage to control employees in a covert and manipulative manner.
The narcissist can hoard information and knowledge that can prevent employees from prospering in their position so that the narcissist remains in control and most knowledgeable. Narcissist hate sharing information. They want you to come to them for answers to stroke their egos and validate their sense of superiority. Start up or not, 3 employees or 100 employees, a company lacking a training curriculum is riddled with narcissistic management.
Narcissistic Employers Have No Policies in Place
Don’t be fooled by a company who lacks an employee handbook and company policies and procedures. The narcissistic company will lie to your face in the interview and tell you that they have an unrestricted environment and implementing policies and procedures creates the kind of rigid corporate environment they want to avoid. They want you to be human and feel free at work. That’s not possible. All companies need policies that act as boundaries to protect the company and it’s employees.
It’s bullshit. Like a narcissistic partner who is unwilling to commit to avoid being held accountable for their behavior, the narcissistic boss operates exactly the same. Without sound policies in place, the narcissistic company can “at will” unfairly discipline you, fire you, harass you, retaliate against you and treat you in a way that doesn’t hold them accountable because of the lack of policies in place.
However, if policies were enacted, the narcissist would have to behave according to standards. What defines a narcissist is their inability to take responsibility. The definition of responsibility in this context is one’s ability to avoid responding. An ambiguous workplace where anything the narcissist does and says goes is ideal for abuse and a toxic work environment. Avoid working for companies who have a “no policy” policy.
Narcissistic companies have a high turnover rate
If in every department of the company, the turn over rate is extremely high with weekly resignations and farewell emails. The company has some narcissistic, toxic and systematically corrupt issues intact. Especially when people in prestigious or higher up positions quickly vacate, there is trouble brewing in paradise and if you are an individual who can’t thrive under narcissistic regime, you’ll be the next one putting in a two week notice.
Narcissistic companies designates a villain and blames them for all the companies problem.
I am guilty for believing the hype. A company I worked for chose to blame all their corruption and their extremely hostile work environment on one person. She left the company and was still being blames. I bought into but I was unaware that they treated her in such a way that changed her behavior and eventually influenced her to seek employment elsewhere. W
When she left, there was no miraculous transformation of the companies policies or hostile environment. The same bullshit remained but it became even worse. Since she left the narcissism on every level of the company was turned up a notch yet and still they continue to blame a manager who left the company months or even years ago. The inability to take responsibility.
Heed the warning and plan for your exit. Your employment with a narcissistic employer will end with you leaving or suing. Your only fighting chance is legal action. Decide now if you want to expend the mental energy and loss of vital life source continuing to work for a company riddled with narcissistic management.
Today, narcissist all over the world are being idolized and celebrated. Somehow, we’ve reached a new low where carelessness and cruelty is seen as superiority and brilliance.
In our intimate relationships, the one who cares less is seen as the stronger and wiser party in the relationship. However, carelessness is not a strength.
“You are not a better or wiser person simply because you’ve ceased to care.” ― Clifford Cohen
The term narcissist is being overly used by people desperate to find closure in a relationship that didn’t work out and quite frankly was never meant to be.
The goal of this blog is to learn how to distinctively recognize a narcissist before loosely throwing around the term. Not everyone who has hurt you in a relationship is a narcissist. Accurately identifying narcissistic characteristics will assist in protection against abuse.
In fact, we all have narcissistic tendencies. We’ve all hurt people unknowingly in the past and acknowledging that is very difficult to do.
“We are to give (and take) true love without falling into the narcissistic habit of only trying to take it in.” ― Criss Jami, Killosophy
Unrequited love is not narcissistic abuse. If someone chooses not to reciprocate the love you give to them, that is their free will. It doesn’t necessarily make them a narcissist.
The very issues you see with a narcissist may be the very issues someone seen in you from your past. Typically, that’s the person who was head over heels in love with you but unfortunately you didn’t feel the same way about them. Unrequited love stirs emotions that people will find a way to justify by painting the one who got away as a villain.
At some point in someone’s story from our past we were made to be the villain. The very fact that most people don’t acknowledge that is narcissistic in of itself.
In my upcoming book How to Defeat a Narcissist: 25 Ways to Shut Down Narcissistic Abuse, I discuss in great lengths, how narcissistic encounters should be handled and how pivotal it is to be knowledgeable of narcissistic traits and characteristics on the dating scene, at work, and among friends and family.
Narcissist are known as the wolf in sheep’s clothing. Everything about them is deceptive. The narcissist is an illusionist who comes into your life appearing as your knight in shining arm. He showers you with attention, affection, gifts, compliments and promises that will put your anxious and lonely heart at ease.
However, beneath the surface lurks a manipulative, sadistic, abusive coward. The unsuspecting victim of narcissistic abuse wants to be loved but the narcissist wants to be feared. The narcissist seeks to control your emotions because he can’t control his own. Narcissist have no use for those he cannot control. He comes on strong, professing his undying love, enveloping the victim into a smoke screen that is almost inescapable.
However, sooner or later, the narcissist begins to show his sadistic true colors. He love bombs the victim with admiration and affection in the beginning of the relationship only to devalue, abuse and criticize them later. The victim of narcissistic abuse works hard to bring back the way things were in the beginning when the narcissist was caring and affectionate… They blame themselves for the narcissist changed behavior and work even harder to regain his love, attention and validation.
The victim is unknowingly on a hamster wheel. Continuously running circles for the narcissist but going absolutely nowhere! Sound familiar?
Eventually, the victim of narcissistic abuse acts like an addict desperately try to get the narcissist to love her again. His validation is her fix. He dangles it like a carrot in her face. She’s a sucker for the honeymoon phase and will disrespect herself if there’s a possibility she can relive it.
Her greatest fearis that the narcissist never loved her to begin with…
That fear gives him premium narcissistic supply and a perverse power that entitles him to abuse others without regard.
How the narcissist hooks his victims…
The first few weeks, or even months, of dating the narcissist is referred to as the love-bombing, honeymoon phase.
His charm is unmatched and he will say or do no wrong. His love and kindness will let down the victims guard and the narcissist will use their vulnerability to abuse them later in the relationship. The narcissist appears to be everything his partner ever wanted in a man.
A relationship with a narcissist is like a fairy tale with a heartbreaking plot twist that doesn’t end well for the victim.
Unfortunately, Prince charming turns into a vicious monster. The vibrant energy and positivity the narcissist gave you in the beginning of the relationship turns into confusion, mental and physical fatigue, shock, gas-lighting, mental abuse, emotional abuse, deflection and devaluation.
Narcissistic hook their victims by shocking them from the drastic difference in their behavior from a loving and kind man to a monster. One minute the narcissist puts the victim on a pedestal then they knock them off. This dysfunctional pattern will persist throughout the relationship.
After the honeymoon phase, the devaluation stage slowly begins.
It’s never obvious. Narcissistic abuse is insidious, sarcastic and passive aggressive. It’s a slow poison affecting one organ at a time.
The obvious first sign is the narcissist makes the victim feel insignificant and even crazy!
The narcissist goes from validating the victim to invalidating the victim. The victim becomes obsessed with the narcissist because they are stuck wondering why. Often, the victim is trapped in a cognitive dissonance desperately trying to justify the narcissist bizarre behavior.
The power of validation and invalidation
“Invalidation is about dismissing your experiences, thoughts and above all your emotions. Indeed the intention is to not even allow you to have those thoughts, experiences and emotions. It’s a way of invading your head and reprogramming it. It’s psychological abuse (messing with your thoughts) and emotional abuse (messing with your feelings).”
― Danu Morrigan
How can you prevent the inevitable fall from grace when dealing with a narcissist? Be patient. Don’t fall hook, line and sinker for anyone during the honeymoon phase (first few months) of a relationship. Instead, allow the relationship to slowly unfold. Avoid men who come on too strong professing their love for you in only a few weeks or a few months of knowing you. Only time reveals who people truly are and everyone shows the best version of themselves in the beginning.
We don’t know a person until we experience an argument or disagreement with them. A true testament of an individual’s character is how they handle conflict. The narcissist avoids conflict in the honeymoon stage of a relationship to hide his true colors. He is often appeasing and very accommodating to his partner in the beginning appearing to patient, kind and compromising. Beware of any man who avoids conflict altogether. That person is not being real. Everything the narcissist does is strategically calculated.
On this particular blog, I want to give a general overview to address all the emails I have received from my followers who believe they are in relationships with a narcissist.
First of all, you cannot be in a relationship with a narcissist, it will never develop into an actual relationship. Even if you are married to them or just a casual girlfriend. You’re not actually in a relationship, despite the title. You are a slave to a slave master, a helpless civilian to a dictator, a peasant to a king. A relationship is mutual exchange of love, respect, energy and compromise.
The end goal of a relationship is love and partnership. The end goal for a narcissist is control.
Instead of a relationship, you are involved in a situation-ship with a narcissist. Since narcissist can’t experience real intimacy due to emotional blocks developed in childhood, fake love, is the only love you’ll receive.
Noticed I mentioned, “real intimacy.” Quite simply, narcissist can’t be taken seriously. At all! If you understand this law of human social interaction, you’ll know better than dealing with them on a serious, intimate level. You deal with a narcissist on their level, which is superficial, delusional and minuscule. They are good for one night stands while on vacation. I wouldn’t even recommend starting a friends with benefits relationship with a narcissist. That too, can turn toxic.
The purpose of the narcissist in your life: The narcissist will awaken your need to look within yourself and establish stronger boundaries. If you already have high self-esteem and strong boundaries, most narcissist won’t get past the 2nd date with you.
If you’re reading this and already in love with a narcissist. This experience will make you a wiser person with stronger boundaries in the end. However, if you find yourself in one abusive relationship after the next… you may be suffering from emotional masochism which means that you’re subconsciously addicted to emotional pain. Read more here…
The first step is understanding the narcissist’s moves. Narcissists obsessively follow a set pattern of behaviors that can be learned so that you remain one step ahead of them. The pathology of narcissism starts at a very young age due to a dysfunctional childhood. Please read my article titled “Stealing Light: The Cycle of Narcissism” to get a better understanding as to why the narcissist behaves the way they do.
Regardless, narcissist operate on an subconscious script. They need to trick people into believing in love then take back the love they gave to remind others their not worthy of love.
Most narcissist grew up in an emotionally and mentally abusive environment where their parent(s) bargained their love. The parent would only love them conditionally. Once the narcissist made a mistake, the parent would withhold that love and emotionally and mentally scold the child.
The narcissist replays that scripts and re-enacts that trauma of giving love and then taking it back in their adult relationships. Taking the love they give back gives them a sense of power and control, something they didn’t have as a child.
Never feel pity for them. Most narcissist refuse to get help because denial is the numbing agent they use to ease their pain. If you jump on a sinking ship you deserve to drown.
Take off your cape now! Your love will not save them or change them.
Beat the narcissist at his own game.
Narcissists need to feel significant. This is their addiction.
Unfortunately, for the narcissist to feel significant, they must make you feel insignificant. It is essential to learn the psychology of narcissism because understanding their behavior frees you from blaming yourself for how badly they treat you.
My book… How to Defeat a Narcissist, is critical for all women to read! If you stay ready, you never have to get ready!
The best dating advice I ever received was: The signs you ignore in the beginning just end up being the reason you leave later.
My book will teach you how to determine right away who’s good and who’s bad for you… My book will confirm your intuition. You know, when you got that strange feeling on the 2nd date that he may not be the right man for you, but you ignored it?
Self-validation is the only validation you should ever seek. Remember, seeking validation from others will make you a slave for their approval.
How a narcissist treats you has nothing to do with your worth as a person but more to do with their anger, hurt and pain buried deep within their psyche.
Narcissist are maladaptive. They don’t learn from their mistakes and they refuse to get professional help. They allow things in their life to remain unresolved. Forever. Imagine living with them in their toxicity? If living in a gas chamber suits your emotional needs. Go for it! Be prepared for a slow, agonizing and painful death of your mind, body and spirit.
Narcissist are travelers looking for someone to help carry around their baggage. Don’t rush to be their companion. Don’t fall for the love bombing scheme. Don’t let flattery get to your head. Remain objective, patient and slightly skeptical. Mostly, remain self-protective!
Remember, how long you decide to stick around accepting abuse does have something to do with your nonexistent self-esteem. Are you in love with a narcissist? You may have some self-loving to do! No worries. My book can help you with that too!
The perfect analogy to the relationship dynamic you would encounter from a narcissist is that of an ill-behaved child who suffers severe social personality disorders and an overly stressed out parent.
There will never be a lasting, adult-like mutual exchange of love and energy with this person. Their goal in dealing with you is NOT to love you, it is to lower your expectations, ignore your boundaries, and reek havoc on you in an insidious, indirect manner.
Below is a list of the narcissistic tactics and how you should deal with them accordingly.
The narcissist has a closed off energy. In their presence, you feel something is either hidden or missing with them. Something seems off. Despite their meager attempts to sometimes open up, it seems superficial, like they’re on stage putting on a show. Usually getting them to open up at all is, well impossible.
An example: Everytime you asks a narcissist how they are doing, they are always doing great! They do not appear real in any way shape or form. They’re not the type to tell you what’s really going on in their lives in fear that you will use the information to control them.
An Example: If you display emotion, they display logic. They reason everything you say. It feels like your consulting in a business meeting not sharing your feelings with an adult who can empathize. It’s just another way the narcissist mimizies his victims.
A narcissist can’t display emotion. They can ACT as if their emotional to achieve a goal. They can mirror feelings but actually lack the capacity to feel genuine feelings.
Unfortunately, most of them were forced to exercise emotional censorship as children and they are not aware of any alternative way of being. Emotional censorship is when a parent forces a child to never show anger or negative emotions.
The parent teaches the child that it’s not good to show emotion, and they can not share how they feel in their home environment. Being emotional is bad, it’s weak and not approved by the emotionally abusive parent.
Eventually, the repression of the narcissists emotions will blow up in your face one day and become narcissistic rage! That is discussed in more detail in my book.
Narcissist hate holidays and birthdays
It is hard for them to see people happy, although they appear to be happy on the outside, they are dying on the inside. They do not like receiving gifts because “it’s too intimate” and they do not like giving gifts at all, so you are more than likely to get a really lame ass gift if one at all, from a covert narc. Unless of course, your in the love bombing stage. In that case you may receive a really expensive gift to make you fall hard.
I dated a covert narc once, invited him to my daughters birthday and he acted like an ass the entire duration of the party. He had a miserable look on his face, was very indifferent towards my daughter and actually had the audacity to pull me aside and say that I am not paying attention to him! He tried to fight with me at my daughter’s party by begging me to give him the same attention I was giving her. Needless to say, I left him shortly after.
Narcissist hate celebrations and holidays, they sulk and get very depressed during these times. Seeing people happy is so disturbing to them.” Janell Hihi
Narcs secretly enjoy funerals, evictions, layoffs and breakups when it’s happening to other people.
Covert Narcissist will not commit. To anything. Trying to plan a date with a narc? He/or she will agree verbally but rebel in action! How dare you try to confine them, subject them to obligation? They will find a way out with their myriad of excuses but they will never tell you straight up they just don’t want to go. If you are a side chick which is considered secondary supply, you will be on the receiving end of a very non-committal narcissist.
Your hope is their fuel. Making an actual “plan” with you would make you feel too comfortable. The covert narcissist wants all control. They want you off guard, off balance, forever in an unknowing state and they will manipulate you into believing that it’s just spontaneity. No, it’s an indirect control tactic, my dear. He wants you sitting around waiting by the phone for him. Of course, I know your confused because in the beginning he planned dates with you a week in advance… He wants to keep you guessing. It give him control when you don’t know his next move!
Your response to his refusal to commit should be: Make plans with “adults” in your life, keep your life moving. Keep your life fabulous! Make plans with others and do not break your plans if he calls you at the last minute. Make him wait in line and force him to plan a date with you otherwise the consequence is he won’t be able to see you at all! Remind the narcissist your life doesn’t revolve around him.
Do call them out on their inability to commit. In fact, call them out on EVERYTHING they do wrong.
Narcs hate being called out. I advise you to point out in an emotionally healthy way (they secretly despise your ability to express emotion) that they are LIARS. That they can’t be trusted. That they are in fact deceitful and they do not know how to keep their word. Do not be moved from your position, show them your poor opinion of them is an unchanging belief.
Mirror the narcissist by mocking their behavior and flaking out on them on several occasions too, contradict yourself and act innocent calling them out on their dirty laundry while denying your own.
Most covert (non-aggressive) narcs will never, under any circumstances express an attitude with you verbally. However, the aggressive narcissist will, but that is another blog. In fact, most narcissist aren’t clear cut covert or aggressive… they usually alternate their behavior by appearing covert and aggressive, simultaneously. This causes their victim to stay confused. It’s easy to abuse and control confused people.
Unfortunately, there are varying degrees of narcissism. So far in my life, I have encountered covert non-aggressive and aggressive narcissist. If you have never dealt with a narcissist it is essential to be aware of the early signs you’re dating a narcissist. Check out my article “7 Early Signs You Are Dating a Narcissist.”
The covert, non-aggressive narcissist reactions are shown through their actions. REMEMBER, THEY CANNOT EXPRESS EMOTION. Calling you out would be an emotional act. They’d much rather pretend they are unbothered by you and act unrealistically nonchalant despite how awful your blatant behavior was towards them. The covert narcissist maintains a poker face and an unmovable stoic exterior.
Covert narcissist keep you at bay, at a distance, they fear getting too close to you. Aggressive narcs are possessive and controlling, they don’t want you to have a life of your own after they reel you in and make you fall hard by love bombing you.
A covert narc doesn’t want relationships, he/she wants an open stream of “no-string attached,” casual relationships with multiple people.” Janell Hihi
Esteemology.com could not have said it better regarding the narcissist and his harem of women he collects that he never intends to commit to.
Usually, these are women who were tired of his hot and cold behavior and they ended it but he asked to be their “friend” and they allowed it. It’s really not ever as simple as a “friendship”, it usually includes some kind of benefits. The narcissist always looks to milk every cow he encounters thoroughly. Staying your friend after a failed relationship is also a way to make you suffer for any narcissistic injury you inflicted on them.
“Narcissists, in the same way, don’t like to throw away the people they’ve collected. Both are pathological, unhealthy and dysfunctional. A Narcissist will offer up a friendship after he has screwed you around for the 100th time, but what he’s really offering is a membership to his harem.
He will throw you crumbs of affection and he will spin tales, hinting of a possible future together. This harem membership allows him to pop in and out of your life, mess with your head and keep tabs on you, while at the same time it keeps you stuck and fixated on him. Harem Membership does have its privileges, but the privilege is all his.”
They are not upfront about just wanting sex because they are confused. They really want power over you. Although it may appear only physical… it’s much deeper than that.
They send mixed signals constantly. One minute they “may” want to pursue a relationship, the very next minute they aren’t even dating you. You’re just a fuck buddy friend type of convenience for them in the grand scheme of things. What you are to them changes depending on their moods and egoic needs.
The longer you stick around playing their fool, the more damage you will inflict upon yourself. Get out!!
Covert narcs thrive off of selling you a dream, that maybe one day they may see you as girlfriend material… or one day they’ll leave their wife or girlfriend to be with you… or one day when they get their finances right they’ll marry you. It’s all bullshit they feed you to keep you around so they can have you at their disposal. I know it’s not fair. In the beginning they said they were single and looking for love. They were exclusive to you in the honeymoon phase… but then the truth was revealed somehow and you’re sitting around asking yourself why you weren’t good enough to be told the truth… These self-defeating questions keep you stuck in the cycle of abuse.
That’s the wrong narrative. Pay attention to how you talk to yourself! The only question you should be asking yourself is why you didn’t leave the narcissist for good when you found out the truth about them?
Narcissist Body Language
Most narcissists have this weird smirk on their face that is unchanging despite what chaos is going on around them.
They stare at you with a blank and fake, psychotic half smile. Their facebook profile picture may look the same or similar, scan your friend’s list and brace yourself.
This picture below is the signature narcissistic Poker Face, it’s just creepy! This actor nailed it!
When you stand up to a narcissist, what should you expect from them in return?
Standing up to a narcissist is when you openly refuse to believe the “False self” that they portray to you and the world. You refuse their false self by calling them out on it and TELLING them who they really are. It’s as if you have “Exposed” them. Be prepared for insidious revenge, they will, in turn, want to destroy you! End the relationship with them and that cuts off their plan to drag you along in a game of tit for tat.
Remember, it’s important to leave them for good once you stand up for yourself and refuse to believe their bullshit. There’s no point in sticking around.
Expect the Silent Treatment
A narcissist is known to initiate the silent treatment for days or weeks after you assert your boundaries. Or after they make a promise or a commitment they never intended to fulfill.
Most women hate men who tell you straight up they don’t want a relationship because they’re not accustomed to assertive men. Women who pursue men who clearly state their intentions and try to change them are the narcissist in those cases!
The unwillingness to accept honesty is a narcissistic trait. The unwillingness to believe what people show you about themselves is also a narcissistic trait. Whenever you try to alter reality to satisfy your ego, you’re not an optimist or hopeless romantic, you’re toxic! If you cry victim after failure to change someone who clearly revealed their intentions to you, newsflash! You’re the problem.
Narcissist will attempt to reel you back in by making you jealous!
They also get you back by throwing another person in your face by bringing them around you a.k.a, triangularization.
They are known for getting their victim really excited about an extravagant date they plan to take them on but they eventually cancel the date at the last minute or worse, go silent and stand their victim up. The narcissist wants to gas his victims up just to let them down. They inflict extreme highs and lows within their relationships.
In addition, narcissist mutter under their voice sarcastic or degrading comments about you in public and in private. They need to keep you insecure and guessing… again, it’s how they maintain their power.
Narcissist make irrational statements to confuse their target. For example, the narcissist may say, “I’m mean to you because I like you.” You may believe for a moment your back in the 1st grade but no, they really mean it! They don’t really like you, so if you’re desperate for an inkling of validation, don’t get too excited. They don’t like you, they only like playing with your head because you allow it.
Everything a narcissist says is partially a truth and partially a lie. If there is a such thing, narcissist are the “In between People.” Who are never clear about who they are or their true intentions. This mysterious aura they possess keeps their victims stuck trying to figure the narcissist out.
It’s actually true that if a narcissist likes you, he/she will indeed treat will treat you badly. This is exactly why most people who are mutual friends with the narcissist will not believe you when you tell them the truth about this person’s sociopathic behavior. On the outside they appear to be a great person.
Narcissist interchangeably insults and compliments you.
The narcissist in one instance will throw an underhanded insult at you and in the next instance, compliment you. They like to keep their victims in a fog of confusion. If they can keep their partner asking themselves “Does he like me or not?” They have them wrapped around their fingers.
When the narcissist starts to peel back his mask, he’ll make YOU the topic of his underhanded jokes and constant sarcasm. You will never know if he’s joking or serious. He has power when he keeps you wondering…
If you try to call him out on his antisocial behavior, he will laugh at you and tell you that you can’t take a joke! You’re too sensitive! The narcissist will give you the illusion that if you want to hang out with him you better toughen up. You can’t be too sensitive because they like to “joke a lot” and the joke is often on you!
An example of this from my experience with a narcissist is below:
I thought I was having a good conversation with a narc once until he switched it all up and said in a casual way, that he had never met a girl as “Promiscuous” as me. When I checked him on the statement he made, he said he didn’t mean to use that word… I knew it was a passive aggressive attempt to insult me because promiscuity is not what I represent at all! Narcissist will call you the opposite of what you are to mold you into what they secretly wish you to be. A narcissist will call a virgin nun a whore and a Ivy league graduate academically challenged.
Narcissist hate titles. Boyfriend titles, husband titles, employee titles, anything that confines them to fit a certain role that heeds responsibility and makes them feel obligated to behave a certain. Even if they agree to a title, they NEVER live up to it and they secretly resent you for demanding they take a title.
Narcissist will become husbands and boyfriends when “cornered” but they will NOT act according to their titles. They will take upon the title to appease you but never change their ways. If you benefit them financially, it will be easier for them to secure a commitment. However, it’s important to never be too flattered by their marriage proposal. Your still nothing to them despite the rock on your finger. They will still maintain an eerie psychotic distance from you which will be initiated by changing drastically as soon as you move in with them, get married, or become exclusive. The mask will come off and you’ll regret saying “Yes.”
Narcissist are passive aggressive by default, telling you what you want to hear and doing the direct opposite.” Janell Hihi
They feed you hope never delivering! Don’t buy what they are selling. You will never get it. It will always be marked as out for delivery but never land at your doorstep.
How can you beat the narcissist at their own game?
Only reward behavior, never words. The narcissist will get what he wants ONLY after he gives you what you want.” Janell Hihi
So how do you defeat a narcissist? It’s simple: NEVER PAY UPFRONT.
They won’t ever deliver and neither will you. It goes nowhere and nowhere is the perfect destination to strive for when dealing with a crazy individual pretending to be normal.
This book is a game changer! Learn how to defeat a narcissist on every level and how to heal properly and move forward! Are you ready to get your power back? This book reveals secrets the narcissist doesn’t want you to know!
Last but not least… Narcissist will NOT leave you alone.
When a narcissist discards his victim… he often uses the slow fade maneuver. He says things that try to make his victim feel special. Example, “I ain’t going nowhere.” And “I ain’t ever letting you go.”
Most victims of narcissistic abuse made it so easy and convenient for the narcissist to get what they want from them that they’ll allow the narcissist to leave the door open just in case he is upset with his new supply and in need of an ego stroke.
Also, their inflated ego refuses to believe anyone would ever leave them. As mentioned earlier, narcissist collect women and add them to their harem.
How to respond if the narcissist tries to leave the door open…
The narcissist must be totally cut off. They can’t even be a friend or business associate! I usually threaten them with police involvement and harassment orders to get them to stop contacting me after a break up. Otherwise, they don’t take you seriously
Allowing the narcissist to “casually” stay in your life without commitment is a trap.
If you were in a relationship and you break up, do not let them stay in your life. When it’s over, it really has to be over. Severe all connections, you are not dealing with a normal person who really just wants to be your friend.”
It either is, or it isn’t with a narcissist. Unfortunately, even when it is, it really isn’t so you’re screwed either way. Can you say “DEAD END?” That is the only direction you will be headed in when dealing with a narcissist.
Narcissist don’t respect boundaries
I told a narcissist my boundaries once, and he said, “Boundaries?!” He gave me a strange, empty look as if I just insulted him and then he proceeded to say, “I don’t do well with boundaries, that doesn’t work for me.”
If that wasn’t a red flag coming from the horse’s mouth itself! I knew at that point, my departure was inevitable but what scared me was the fact that people who don’t like boundaries usually won’t get the picture when you tell them it’s over. A prime example is a stalker. They habitually cross the line violating their victims boundaries while receiving a rush of intoxicating adrenaline while doing so.
Narcissist can’t believe you want nothing to do with them, I can’t reiterate this point enough! You will often hear yourself saying to friends and family, “I told him I want nothing to do with him anymore and not to contact me again, yet he acts as though I never said it and nothing is wrong!”
Narcissist can’t believe ANYONE would want to have NOTHING to do with them because of their grandiose, egotistical, and unrealistic view of themselves.
They believe you’re just mad now and in a few days, weeks or months, you will forget about the whole ordeal and let them back into your life… This is why they will wait a few weeks and send you a text or Facebook message saying “Hope all is well.” They do not know how to Get LOST!
*Remain consistent with No Contact and contact law enforcement to help you if needed.
A typical interaction with a narcissist is as follows:
The normal person asking the narc to stay away from him/her:
“I don’t want to see you anymore, not even as a friend. You are a hurtful person. Do not contact me again.”
The Narcissist reaction:
“Oh okay, well take care.”
Then 6 days later the narcissist sends you the following text message:
“Hey, u free to grab a drink tonight?”
It’s the narcissist way of telling you in so many ways, “Your boundaries don’t mean shit to me, I will come and go as I please. I am not listening to you. I get what I want.”
This is why when you end a relationship with a narcissist you must block their phone number and social media accounts. They never really go away. You must make yourself unreachable to them.
However, once they really get the point they will walk away, you were nothing but an object to them anyways and they always have someone else in line to get narcissistic supply from. Don’t feel sorry for him.
Unfortunately, many women have weak boundaries and low self-esteem and this is what keeps the narcissist in business. He will replace you once he is absolutely sure you’re done with him.
How do you know you are done with a narcissist?
When you no longer believe anything the narcissist stands for. When you stop hoping the narcissist will change. Your lack of faith in him will repel him and he will move on to the next victim.
You may still be hurt and feel betrayed but you no longer see any good in the narcissist and the illusion is broken. Since the relationship was based on illusions, once the narcissist is exposed, there is no foundation left for the relationship to survive.
When the narcissist realizes you no longer believe in them, they immediately lose interest. They will replace you or put you on the back burner. At this point, you should cut all ties to the narcissist to begin your recovery and healing. This stage is referred to as No Contact.
If you don’t abandon the narcissist, you can get them to abandon you by exercising the following techniques below. Remember, after you inflict narcissistic injury it is best to do it and then cut off ALL contact with them.
If you find it difficult to cut a narcissist out of our life, you’re not alone. It’s very hard. The good news it, I can help. Sign up for 1 on 1, customized coaching Click Here
Additional ways to defeat a narcissist:
*Mock their behavior and laugh. After all, nothing about them is real, it’s just a game. Play!
*Date other people, keep all options open.
*Embarrass them. Expose them on social media or in public. Narcissists live in an illusion and if you reveal their true colors to the public, you have successfully defeated them!
*Be open to real love and you will never settle for Narcissistic abuse.
*Show emotion with them. Extreme emotion. It freaks them out!
*If you find yourself attracted to a narcissist and you are actually contemplating a relationship with them, please go see a therapist to address your co-dependent issues and low self-esteem.
*Call them out on everything they do.
*Demand that they give you a title and don’t you dare see them until they do.
*Set expectations. Every time you talk to them remind them of what you EXPECT from them.
*Praise their friends but not them.
*Criticize them and reinforce their insecurity. They are never as confident as they appear.
*Complain about the sex.
*Keep talking about your ex in front of them.
*Say one thing but do the opposite.
*BEST strategy? IGNORE THEM. Show complete disdain. Focus on improving your life. Move on!
Run when you see this facial expression! Narcissist are spiritual serial killers, they may not kill your physical body, but they will butcher your soul.
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