Why Men Pull Away: What to do When He Shows Interest then Pulls Back

one couple dispute separation man leaving and woman holding back

Alternating interest in relationships is normal to a certain extent. Many things can happen in man’s life that may cause him to show less interest or pull back entirely, for a short period of time in your relationship.

When a man pulls away he is retreating into his mental man cave to recollect himself.

The hard part is determining whether or not he is pulling back to recollect himself or if he is pulling back because he has bad intentions.

Some men pull back because they are juggling several women at the same time and it’s impossible to always be there for you when he also has to spend time with Becky, Lisa & Veronica.

He may be confused about whether or not he wants to be with you or he may have health issues, problems in his family or financial setbacks.

To determine what the reason is a man is pulling back is to be patient and observe what happened before he pulled away and how he acts when he comes back.

It is also important to observe how much time it took him to come back after a period of withdrawal. There is no need to be hyper vigilant and start to make assumptions right away.

pulls back

Behaviors that may indicate the reason a man is pulling back:

#1. The two of you recently spent a lot of time together. You may have just spent an entire week or weekend together and had a really good time. He may feel as if he is starting to get really close to you so he pulls back in order to regain self-control and perspective. Men only do this once in a blue moon so if pulling back becomes a frequent pattern, he is pulling back because he is just not that into you. In this case, start to focus your attention on other men unless you enjoy being an on again, off again convenience to him.

How should you react when he disappears? Text him asking him how he’s doing and leave it at that. If he doesn’t respond, do not text him again. Let him come to you. The minute you start to act insecure is the minute he will start to feel smothered by you. After a few days, when he responds, politely ask him if everything is okay again without pushing the issue.

If he respects you he will give you a detailed explanation. If he is being vague, don’t cut him off just yet but keep your guard up. Observe his behavior for the next few weeks and if he continues to act weird and distant, he may be attempting a slow fade on you. Let him, let go, if that is the case. Boy bye.

#2. The two of you recently had “The talk,” and he feels pressured to commit to you. If you sat him down to ask him the infamous question, “Where is this relationship going?” and he feels some type of way about it, he may pull back after the discussion regardless if he agreed to commit to you or if he said he needs more time. Men who feel pressured fall back to take the time to think about whether or not they should move the relationship forward. Allow him 3-4 days max to fall back and be distant, however when those 4 days are up you deserve an answer or explanation for their absence.

How you should react: Do not be confrontational. Be mellow and chill. If you want an honest answer from him do not allow your emotions to interfere. You don’t want to be appeased you want honesty. Whatever he decides, do not argue with him about it. Either accept it or let him go, everything else is madness.

#3. The two of you recently got into an argument or fight. It’s natural for a man to pull back after a heating argument. I advise both parties involved take a few day to reflect on what you were arguing about and if there is any solution. Once his head is clear and he is ready to talk, he will contact you.

How to react? Again, do not be aggressive, argumentative or confrontational. Ask straight forward questions, directly and calmly to try to reach a mutual resolution. Don’t make accusations or assumption on what he was doing while the two of you weren’t talking either. If you can’t reach an agreement, take more time out to think or part ways.


#4. You were intimate for the first time. When a guy pulls back after the first time you had sex with him, it can be nerve wrecking. Of course, your first negative thought will be he just used you. However, he may just be processing what happened and what should happen next in the relationship. Give him a few days to come around. If you don’t hear from him within 2 days, he may have gotten what he wanted and is now falling back. To determine his intentions observes how he acts when he finally contacts you.

How to react: If he acts distant and non-committal when he contacts you, he was probably only interested in sex. If he asks you out again right away and briefly explains his 2-day absence, he is a keeper.

#5. He recently mentioned he had money problems. Men who have financial issues are often emotionally unavailable. Men are natural providers and if they are having money issues, they feel like they cannot be a good provider so they fall back, and focus more time and attention on fixing their financial situation. This is why it is important to ask questions and pay attention to what a man is telling you about his life.

How to react. Ask him if everything is okay and reassure him you are there if he needs you. Do not offer to help him. Most men don’t want your help unless they are using you and if that’s the case they will ask you for money. Just let him know you are there for him and offer to fit the bill sometimes when the two of you are out. If he decides to leave the relationship to get on his feet again, respect that and accept it. Men who have money and employment issues will seldom take a relationship seriously until they can rest assured their bills are going to be paid.

#6. The two of you are NOT exclusive. You may be dating and having a great time getting to know each other but the two of you have not made it official that you are exclusively dating or in a relationship. This means even if he was texting and calling you every day for the last two months, and all of sudden starts to text or call every 2-3 days, he is not obligated to give you an explanation because the two of you are not committed. You may be hurt by the sudden lapse in communication and that is normal to feel that way.

How to react. Allow him to fall back and make sure you do the same. When he finally reaches out to you again, take initiative and make a date with him. On the date, casually ask him if everything is okay because you noticed he’s been distant. If his response is vague, he is probably not taking you seriously as a potential relationship partner. If he answers with a detailed explanation listen and accept it. If you want to take the relationship to the next level, mention it casually by saying, “Could you see us together as an official couple?” Listen to his response. If he tries to change the subject, he’s just not that into you. If he straight up tells you, “No,” accept it and walk away. If he states that he does not know what the future holds, he is unsure about you.

Don’t be sure about a man who is unsure about you.

You can continue to date him to see what unfolds but date other people in the process. When you are at your wit’s end and need a commitment and he is not moving in that direction. Cut him off. The Queen of cut-offs approves of your snipping. Don’t let men who are unsure hang around to leave you as an option. Keep it moving, with no hard feelings.



by Janell Hihi @copyright 2017