Helping Versus Enabling: Knowing the Difference to Avoid Being Used by Others.

No wants to be used. It’s an awful feeling that can trigger thoughts of unworthiness and low self-esteem.

I get this question often from my followers, “Did he/she really love me or was he just using me for XY and Z?” 

Giving without boundaries almost always creates a situation that invites leeches and psychic vampires into our lives.

Psychic vampires are not creatures from the other side hunting humanity in search of blood for survival.

Instead, psychic vampires are ordinary people who suck the life right out of you. Either they overburden others with their victim mentality by sharing sob stories seeking pity for validation. Or worse, they seek out others only to use them for their resources.

#1 Sign an Individual is a Psychic Vampire

A sure sign an individual you may be dealing with is a psychic vampire is that they have absolutely nothing to offer you but their so-called feelings. In dating situations, beware of anyone who can’t bring anything to the table but their heart.

Unfortunately, the number one reason for divorce is financial issues. Feelings are not currency and therefore bills can’t be paid on feelings alone. Relationships that are solely based on feelings usually end bitterly. Morals, values, political affiliations and yes, “Finances” pay a big role in determining the success of a relationship.

Love and feelings only makes up about 25% of relationships sustainability because feelings and emotions fluctuate. Common morals and values is the glue that keeps couples together when feelings inevitably alternate from high to low.

A leech will always suggest that your resources are used for their benefit because perhaps they are not as well off. However, the difference between a person who is not well off and a person who makes horrible financial decisions is huge.

Low income people living within their means won’t be as irresponsible. Leeches and psychic vampires are fiscally irresponsible because they are internal self proclaimed victims who seek out saviors to help them out of there dire situations.

A stay at home wife who takes pride in caring for her children, her home and the family well being is not a leech. Although her contribution is intangible, it is equally as substantial as her husbands who works to provide for the family financially. Relationships are comprised of give and take. Not just take, take, take!

They always need “Your” help. Whether it’s financing a car, buying a house, etc., However, all they can give in return is the three words, “I love you!.” If you couldn’t “help” them they wouldn’t love you. Period.

For example, they don’t have a house so they have to come to your house all the time, use all your necessities and eat all your groceries. They don’t have a car so you always need to pick them up and drop them off. They jokingly tell you what size shoe they wear as if you’ll run to the mall to buy them a pair. You cook really well so there’s no need in ever going out to eat! They offer their company and nothing else! Even worse, they have no plans to improve their lives and become financially independent.

The Ultimate Test to Determine if Someone is a Leech

Call their bluff and use reverse psychology. Tell them “I love you too! I can’t help you financially but I can give you my heart.” Offer to show them how to save money and fix their credit to buy their own house or car. Without a doubt, they will be out of your life quicker than you can blink.

Psychic vampires seek out lonely people who crave companionship over anything else. People are desperate for friendships and relationships who willingly overextend themselves to help grown men and women are prime targets for leeches.

Helping Versus Enabling

There is nothing wrong with helping people. However, we need to define what helping another grown-up means. Helping someone is not doing something for them. Helping an adult is showing them by example how to be successful and pointing them to the right resources to assist them in their endeavors.

How are we truly helping them by doing for them what we can teach them how to do for themselves?

Enabling a leech is giving up your time, energy and resources without teaching them the “how to do it themselves” methods or demanding a return on your investment. There is no reciprocity. The underlying issues which made the individual a leech in the first place remain unresolved and their bad habits are continued.

Regardless if it’s someone your dating, your child, a sibling, coworker or friend, help them help themselves, so they can grow and never need to ask for help again.

Sincerely yours,

Author J. Hihi

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To The Women Who is Afraid to Appear Needy

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I had a conversation with a friend a few days ago who hadn’t heard from a guy she’s been dating in a few days. Apparently, sometimes they go days without communicating.

They’d been dating for 2 months and she becomes anxious because she really likes the guy but she is unsure about where the relationship is going because her expectation is they should be communicating more as they get to know each other, not less.

I asked her why she wouldn’t just take the initiative and contact him instead of just passively accepting the dead silence. She said she doesn’t want to initiate communication because she doesn’t want to come off as being needy.

The desire to communicate with a man you’re dating once a day is not coming off as needy by any means.

Daily communication is not the same as demanding he put a ring on your finger. It’s quite basic. And if you’re the type of women who is afraid to come off a certain way and that prevents you from asking for what you want or communicating… Insecurity is your issue and it needs to be addressed.

It’s important to want what you want unapologetically. Men respect that. This doesn’t mean you should be desperate, it means that you can pick up the phone and say “Hey, what’s up, I miss u.”

Regardless if you get a reciprocating reply or ignored, you wanted to communicate, so you did.

Trying to control a man’s perception of you is impossible. In addition, perception control is a narcissistic characteristic.

If you’re afraid of coming off as needy, you’re really just afraid of expressing how you truly feel. How you truly feel is authenticity which is the seed for growth in relationships.

By Janell Hihi Copyright@2018

Do You Love The Narcissist or Are You Addicted to Him?

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Is it love or addiction?

This is the question I often ask myself when I am staring down a dark chocolate truffle before I devour it.

Many singers, poets and writers would say love and addiction is the same thing. However, I highly disagree!

Addiction is an obsession to a desired outcome that is unrealistic. It’s a fantasy-like train of thought that distorts our reality.

According to Psychology Today ” Sex and love addiction are so commonly bonded that there is a 12-step support group for the combination: Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA). Both love addiction and sex addiction are often viewed as disorders of intimacy.”

What we are addicted to is irrelevant but the fact that we may have addictive personality traits is what’s cause for concern.

Loving a narcissist is addictive because the effect they have on the human brain, psyche and soul of their victim fluctuates from the highest of highs and the lowest of lows just as heroine, cocaine and opioids do.

The rollercoaster ride of high adrenaline and the blunt blow of the fall riddled with low serotonin levels which are often attributed to anxiety, depression, panic attacks, insomnia, obesity, fibromyalgia, eating disorders, chronic pain, migraines, and alcohol abuse. Negative thoughts, low self-esteem, obsessive thoughts and behaviors, PMS, and Irritable Bowel Syndrome are also symptoms of low serotonin.

The highs are like no other, it feels like the best love, heaven-sent, breath-taking sex, endless orgasms, charm, compliments, gifts, attention and emotional availability.

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A relationship with a narcissist is like an addiction to a drug because it’s nothing but consecutive highs and lows.

There is never a feeling of calmness, stability and consistency. It’s one drastic extreme to the next.

And just like a drug, it is extremely difficult to get over a narcissist once they discard you! Withdrawal is real. A support group and a team of loving friends and family members is needed to help you get through the struggle of withdrawal without relapsing.

Your body and soul gets so accustomed to the highs and the lows that it can no longer fathom or adapt to stability, calmness and peace of mind.

It can take months or years to re-stabilize after narcissistic abuse. It depends on how long the relationship was and how severe the abuse was.

I suffered from anxiety attacks out of the blue a few years back because I developed minor post traumatic stress disorder for being in two consecutive relationships with narcissist back to back. I left my narcissistic husband only to later get involved in another covert narcissistic relationship.

My recovery took years. And that’s okay. At the time I left my ex husband I did not know what the difference between covert and overt narcissist was so I fell prey to an opportunistic, manic-depressive, covert narcissist.

I didn’t know I was addicted to the drastic highs and lows. I left one, just to get a hit of another. My ex would break up with me out of the blue or when he didn’t get his way and it would hurt me to the core.

Then, out of the blue he would get back together with me professing his undying love. It was like he would create a catastrophe then come in out of the blue as a hero and save me from the pain he caused.

This is why the narcissist simultaneously switches from villain to hero. Similar to how drug companies make up illnesses and then create a medication that supposedly cures the illness but the side effects are more deadly then the illness itself.

I would look ridiculous when he would break up with me out of the blue. It would be after we went out with friends or to dinner or days after a minor disagreement. I would plead with him to reconsider. I felt ashamed and embarrassed that suddenly he could switch off his feelings like a light switch and just leave.

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I felt like I cared too much. It was confusing and I was often shocked. 

The shock is what kept me hooked and coming back for more. I wasn’t in love. I was addicted!

Listen to Rihanna and Justin Timberlake song “Rehab” 

According to an article written by The Ranch, below is a list of all the signs that you may be addicted to love:

Typical signs of love addiction include:

  • Mistaking intense sexual experiences and new romantic excitement for love
  • Constantly craving and searching for a romantic relationship
  • When in a relationship, being desperate to please and fearful of the other’s unhappiness
  • When not in a relationship, feeling desperate and alone
  • Inability to maintain an intimate relationship once the newness and excitement have worn off
  • Finding it unbearable or emotionally difficult to be alone
  • When not in a relationship, compulsively using sex and fantasy to fill the loneliness
  • Choosing partners who are emotionally unavailable and/or verbally or physically abusive
  • Choosing partners who demand a great deal of attention and caretaking but who do not meet, or even try to meet, your emotional or physical needs
  • Participating in activities that don’t interest you or go against your personal values in order to keep or please a partner
  • Giving up important interests, beliefs, or friendships to maximize time in the relationship or to please a romantic partner
  • Using sex, seduction, and manipulation (guilt/shame) to “hook” or hold on to a partner
  • Using sex or romantic intensity to tolerate difficult experiences or emotions
  • Missing out on important family, career, or social experiences to search for a romantic or sexual relationship
  • Using anonymous sex, porn, or compulsive masturbation to avoid “needing” someone, thereby avoiding all relationships
  • Finding it difficult or impossible to leave unhealthy or abusive relationships despite repeated promises to oneself or others to do so
  • Repeatedly returning to previously unmanageable or painful relationships despite promises to oneself or others to not do so

I can’t stress how important it is to heal from narcissistic abuse before re-entering the dating game otherwise you will attract another narcissist who is more covert, manipulative and deceiving.

Treat your break up with a narcissist like you are entering rehab for drug abuse and I promise you, the healing will be more efficient and expedient.

You don’t love the narcissist. You are addicted. Is addiction stronger than love? Yes, because it disguises itself as love and locks the brain and the heart into a state of perpetual confusion.

Sincerely,

Janell Hihi copyright@2018

Can Narcissist Stay In Longterm Relationships?

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The short answer is “Yes!”

Narcissist will stay with women who continually accept their abuse by denying it and making excuses for it.

As long as the narcissist is getting a steady source of quality narcissistic supply, he can maintain relationships that last decades.

The ideal victim who the narcissist will choose to be in longterm relationship with must never question him, never criticize him and never, ever call out his false self.

Narcissist need their partners to help them maintain their grandiose sense of self by continually complementing them, obeying them and trusting their every word.

The minute you question, criticize or investigate shady behavior from your narcissistic partner is the moment you are disregarded as longterm relationship material to the narcissist.

If you’re not robotic, overly optimistic, degradingly submissive and compliant, the relationship will last a few months to a year at the longest.

This doesn’t mean you’re not good relationship material.

This means you have a healthy level of self-esteem and self-respect that you leave when love is no longer being served.

As long as you understand that it’s his way or the highway, you can maintain a longterm relationship with a narcissist!

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A great way to gauge your level of self-esteem is how fast you are able to recognize narcissistic and toxic relationships and how fast you are able to leave them!

Never look at a relationship and assume because a couple was together 12 years, they must have a very strong bond. It’s safe to assume they’ve been through a lot together. However, it is not okay to assume that relationship is healthy or has allowed each partner to grow into a better person.

It’s important to remember when considering the longevity of narcissistic relationships that it’s the quality of the relationship not the quantity of the years the narcissist stayed in the relationship.

In fact, most narcissist never leave a good source of supply. Usually what happens is the codependent partner realizes they are in an abusive relationship and they finally gather the courage to leave the narcissist for good.

The narcissist will stay in play forever, if the victim allows them to . Narcissist favorite line to manipulate their victims to stay with them is:

“We’ve been together all these years, and we’ve been through so much, and you’re just gonna leave?”

The number of years we are in a relationship is no reason to stay in that relationship. It is the quality of those years that determines whether or not we should stay.

Ten years of being with a man in an off again and on again relationship is not ten years of love, loyalty and respect. Instead, it’s ten years of chaos, instability and inconsistency.

The length of time a man stays with a women does not determine how much he loves her. She could be a safe option, a convenience, a financial resource, or an opportunity for a better life.

She could also be a punching bag he can take out all his frustrations on because she is so lost and codependent, the fear of being alone is worse then being in an abusive relationship.

Narcissist often provoke arguments and fights and then blame the victim for being a nag or a drama queen.

As long as you can live your life constantly being labeled a drama queen and accepting your narcissistic partner as the victim of your alleged paranoia, insecurity and jealousy… you will be able to maintain a longterm relationship with a narcissist.

If you’re reading this because you left a narcissist before you could define the relationship as long-term, good for you!

If you’re reading this wondering how your narcissistic ex lover is in a longterm relationship with another women, remember it’s the women who determines how long she will tolerate narcissistic abuse.

Better her then you!

You’re worth is not determined by how long your relationships last. It’s determined by your ability to walk away from abusive and toxic relationships.

By Janell Hihi @Copyright 2018

Scorpio: The Worst Sign Of The Zodiac

All my life I’ve struggled to understand why everyone I meet who annoys me to no end, just happens to be a Scorpio!

Sadly, that’s not where it ends. Many corrupt moguls, psychopaths, serial killers and con artist I Google just happen to be Scorpios.

That’s when I realized this was not some personal vendetta I had against Scorpios. Rather it was a generalized opinion most people shared that is backed up by facts.

Below is a list of the most common reasons Everyone Hates Scorpios!

1. Scorpios are loyal to their secrets.

They have a graveyard of skeletons in their closet. They love secrets, not people. Scorpio will take a lifetime of secrets to the grave. The best thing about this dark characteristic is their less likely to snitch even if tortured or threatened.

Scorpios get off on knowing things others don’t know. Unlike Aquarius who like to share and pour out knowledge, Scorpios hoard and monopolize knowledge.

2. They use their intuition to manipulate and deceive others.

They aren’t as pyschic as the astrological community claims them to be. They’re more demonic then they are angelic and can sense weaknesses like vampiric parasite.

They sneak attack when victims least expect it like the venomous scorpion they are named after. They can and will kill you eventually. Maybe not your body, but definitely your soul.

3. Scorpio has a dominating alter ego

Women in the streets but a whore in the sheets is an understatement! The Scorpio is the Preacher who has congregation of 10,000 people at his mega church who spends summers in Thailand raping children.

Spy on a Scorpio and you’ll witness their double life. Be prepared to be shocked to the core as their contradicting identities are revealed before your very eyes.

4. Scorpios are Perverts

My sister dated a psycho Scorpio once. Every time he breathed I was annoyed. He was a lying, cheating and abusive lunatic. One day my sister was doing laundry, emptied out his gym bag and guess what she found?

A PROSTHETIC PUSSY! With a bottle of lube.

These people are school teachers by day and Swingers by night. Sex is just as important as water. Especially kinky, taboo sex with their best friends boyfriend type of shenanigans.

Not to mention porn addiction and weird fetishes not limited to beastiality.

5. Scorpios are extremely paranoid

Any perceived threat or slight to their ego ignites extreme paranoia. Scorpios are always looking out the side of their eyes. They have a tendency to believe everyone is out to get them.

Appointing everyone around them as enemies gives Scorpio a narcissistic grandiose image that everyone is jealous of them or hating on them.

However, it’s their guilty conscience that makes them believe others are untrustworthy.

They remain quiet to remain observant because they always have to size every up around them in order to come out of their shell.

6. Scorpios believe in Petty Revenge

If you don’t replace the roll of toilet paper instead of telling you how that annoys them, they’ll give you the silent treatment for two weeks!

If you asks them what’s wrong, they’ll unemotionally retort, “Nothing!”

They’d rather get even by stone walling people then being an adult and talking about their feelings.

Scorpios don’t get mad, they get even! In fact, they have a secret vault of animosities and they must invoke revenge upon the perpetrators. The revenge will be enacted when the victim least expect it. Sometimes years later!

7. Scorpios are so quiet it’s creepy!

You’ll notice a Scorpio in a crowded night club sitting in the back alone in a corner with a expensive bottle of Champagne, wearing all black, people watching with a Charles Manson grin on their face.

They are loners who crave love and sex. They hate the spotlight but love dark alleys.

When asked a question Scorpios take a very long time to answer. They’re not slow. They have to strategically calculate everything they say. Unlike they’re tactless opposite sign Aries.

Scorpios want to be around people, but they don’t want to be around people.

They’ll go to a party or event and act hella anti-social confusing everyone around them. You might find yourself thinking, “If they aren’t going to socialize, why’d they come to the event?’

Just give them a few drinks! They’ll suddenly turn into a social butterfly gracing the room with their bipolar presence.

They’ll talk a lot when drunk but not about anything that allows you to really get to know them. Superficial topics that protect their vulnerability is all you’ll get!

Why are they social yet anti-social at the same time?

No one knows the answer to that question. Oh wait! Maybe a psychotherapist does…

8. Scorpios Mastered the Poker Face

Literally! Some of the worlds most famous Poker players are Scorpios sun, Scorpio rising or Scorpio moon.

What’s confusing is astrologers worship these demonic, duplicit, manipulative assholes as if they are in touch with their emotions.

They’re not! They hide, evade and deny their emotions behind a smiling face, a fake friendship, a charitable cause or a poker face.

If you’re supposedly emotional but you hide it all the damn time, what’s the point?

Water signs are Emotionally Imbalanced most of the time, all this hype about Scorpio, Cancer and Pisces being in touch with their feelings is laughable.

9. Bill Gates heavily invest in Monsanto

A classic Scorpio move is to hide an evil agenda behind his fake charity. Is there a company more evil to invest in then Monsanto? This is what makes Scorpios more two faced then Gemini’s.

10. Scorpios are extremely jealous

They must underhandedly one up you. Unlike a Leo who will blatantly one up you, Scorpios try to be sneaky about it.

Highly perceptive people notice Scorpios are so jealous and petty it’s almost pitiful. Anyone whose attractive, talented or smart makes the Scorpio feel small and threatened.

The Scorpio then unloads competing for admiration and attention. They can be fierce yet quiet competitors who secretly want all eyes on them. They are incomprehensibly contradicting.

11. They are terrible parents

Scorpios trust no one! Not even their kids. They can easily dispose of them allowing their parents or the foster care system to take care of them when the Scorpio is in their feelings and just don’t give a damn!

Their kids never, ever come first and are often neglected. Scorpios children feel like they barely know their parents because Scorpios rarely talk to their kids or open up to them.

12. Sarcastic, underhanded comments

You can count on a Scorpio to have a quick sarcastic and sadistic comeback for everything you say to them.

It’s annoying. They’re so defensive and talking to them is like an endless game of ping pong with long spaces of silence in between and psychotic, blank stares.

Side Note: It takes Scorpios too long to open up in relationships.

It’s exhausting dating someone who just wont let you in. Scorpios think vulnerability is a weakness and trusting others is foolish. No wonder they’re relationships are just based on sex the majority of the time!

If they eventually let you in after 4 or 5 years of you fighting to open their heart, the minute you hurt them all hell will break lose. Run!

13. They speak in a soft, fake innocent low volume/tone.

When a Scorpio talks it sounds like a whisper. Nothing annoys an Aquarius more. Speak up or shut up. No one has time for that Michael Jackson soft tone. Lack of base in your tone conversation.

Grab your hearing aids, you’ll need it. They talk low because they think everyone is listening in on them or eavesdropping. Truth is no one gives a damn about what they have to say.

Scorpios strategically talk in inaudible tones so that the person who is asking them a question has to say “huh, repeat that I didn’t hear you.” Until they eventually forget what they were asking in the first place.

Every time a Scorpio speaks they move in on your ear and whisper like they’re telling you Classified government information but you just asked for directions to the Nearest Popeye’s.

14, They’re always looking around like someone’s watching them

They are people watchers. Not because they’re interested in people, but because they’re secretly at war with people.

Scorpios remind me of fugitives on the run. It’s comical how they look around at people like people actually notice their existence.

Scorpios love to “say so and so is stalking me…”

Scorpios put restraining orders on imaginary people. It’s called delusional paranoia, and there’s no cure.

15. Everything is a Strategy

Imagine how it feels hanging out with someone who always has a hidden agenda. Well just hang out with a Scorpio.

Everything they say or do is to appear to you a certain way but under the veil who they really are stays hidden.

They’re motives behind their agenda is for selfish means to attain business, a love interest, money, fame or pity.

There’s nothing authentic about these calculating, selfish, scripted pricks!

16. Low key shoplifters

A Scorpio can be filthy rich but still go to Macy’s and shoplift. They get off on the thrill of tricking people.

It’s orgasmic to a Scorpio to get away with stealing things without people finding out.

They’ll steal your belt or a small accessory and find it amusing to witness you go crazy looking for it while they have it in their pockets all along.

17. They collect things from people

They steal things and collect them. Every Scorpio has a box of trinkets they’ve stole from people at work, past lovers, friends, and strangers.

Don’t be surprised if you find a pair of your underwear, used condoms and a piece of weave in their creepy trinket box. Look through it if you dare!

18. Scorpios are connected to the underworld

They see ghost, monsters, demons and are obsessed with cats and religion. They like Tarot cards and occult artifacts. They like the graveyard shift and volunteer to witness exorcisms.

They have sex dungeons and exotic pet reptiles. Weirdos!

19. Manic depressive control freaks

One day they love you. The next day they hate you. Other days you just don’t exist because they create an eerie space between the two of you out of the blue!

They are mostly depressed and can be really fun to be around one day and really miserable to be around the next.

20. They have a psycho blank stare

You know that feeling you get when someone is staring at you? Then you turn around and it’s a Scorpio staring into your soul.

It’s a blank stare that immediately makes you uncomfortable and uneasy.

Regardless of everything horrible about Scorpios, I still admire a few of them who overcame their darkness or have undergone a successful exorcism.

By Janell Hihi @copyright2017

Sarah’s Suppression: The Obsession to Not Feel

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When things suddenly change and you’re supposed to remain un-bothered. It’s all a part of the defiant act of living. Denying our humaneness to appear emotionally stable. There is no stability in emotions. No solid form, it’s like trying to nail jello to a tree.

They will not submit to the subtle choke of a leash. Untamed. They are erratic and unapologetic. Yet we suppress, deny and act as if they don’t matter. Meanwhile, in our disdain, they seethe and start to seep…

They linger in backgrounds like memories taking me back around that time when he was more consistent. When my insecurity was silenced by his predictability.

But what do we do when patterns die and what is left is a faint whisper, an un-returned text and the toothbrush he left weeks ago, sitting as a reminder that he’s there somewhere in the in-between. He hasn’t arrived and he hasn’t completely left.

The gripping pain of the lingering.

And you better be quiet girl. You better keep cool.

Don’t let your humanness emerge and show him something exist inside you besides an orgasm and a sweaty thrill ride with soaked up sheets and bed hair.

Better not show him you care. He wants to know that you don’t so that your love doesn’t smother him. Since when did love become a sinister sadist roaming the earth looking for victims to torture? After all, isn’t love the giver of life? I can’t breathe air into you if you aren’t willing to be revived.

And after weeks of analyzing his sudden plot twist in my romantic story line, he casually replies to a text I sent 16 days ago…

He said, “I’m just doing me.”

In which I replied, “Oh, so that would imply your no longer doing me.”

He paused for about 30 minutes before responding and replied…

“huh?”

Tidbits with the ignorant conversationalist… More to come.

By Janell Hihi Copyright@2017

Relationship Fatigue: Are You Tired of Togetherness?

 

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What happens when you don’t want to give or receive?

Now more than ever, I find myself saying, “If you ever need nothing, I am totally here for you!”

Are you dealing with someone just to get laid? Are you too lazy to put any effort into anyone but yourself and an occasional booty call to get a break from your daily routine of masturbation?

Instead of finding a boyfriend and making a mental, emotional and time consuming commitment, you’d rather opt for the shorter end of the stick that demands nothing of you but an occasional text consisting of the three letters “WYD” or “I’m on my way.”

You are so far removed from vulnerability, emotions and real intimacy that the title of friends with benefits is too heavy? You’d much rather prefer a more emotionless and robotic title for your situation-ship like “Masturbation Assistant.” That’s a lot more fitting considering the superficial circumstances.

In the past I hated overly sarcastic people. I thought that they were passive aggressive with zero courage to tell someone straight up how they really feel about them. That was until I underwent a mass awakening and I realized people don’t want you to be 100 with them.

Every day I use sarcasm to bury deep emotional issues I have because I am stuck in a matrix with people who celebrate acting like everything is always honky fucking dory.

No one wants you to keep it real. Not at work, not in family conflicts or in intimate entanglements. People who sugarcoat their words and use sly ass jokes to tame their internal rage go further in life in every aspect.

Although the further they go, the less authentic the bonds are that they form with others, it all comes down to playing the game. A game I wanted no part of for so long but I find myself surrendering to the older I become.

Being a realist in a world of bullshit is a glitch in the system that torments my soul. I just updated my software and joined the sunshine and rainbows application hoping that magically I can fit in and reap some of the benefits. Maybe if I act like everything will be okay, and think more on the bright side, I’d feel re-energized enough to enter into a real relationship, once in for all.

So far, it’s not working. So far, I’m just okay with being the way I am and I am completely done with trying to convince myself of being any other way then I am in this very moment which is…

Totally spent, exhausted and fatigued from intimate relationships, emotional entanglements and togetherness.

I wrote this blog because sometimes, in the darkest hour of the night I awaken from my slumber totally okay with my loneliness, relieved that I don’t have to share myself with anyone else, and terrified at my own contentment in this place of celebrated emptiness.

Which brings me to the conclusion that  maybe relationships aren’t for everybody. Certainly not for me. Not right now, at least!

Before I drifted back into my slumber I realize that there’s no one here taking up half the bed, snoring, breathing like a dragon or taking all the sheets. It’s just me, having me, all to myself.

~Bliss

By Janell Hihi Copyright@2017

If It’s Meant to Be it Will Be? Or If You Want It, Go Get It?

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I believe when people say, “If it’s meant to be it will be,” they use it as a cliche’ cop-out.

It’s a way for people who refuse to grow and admit the truth to rationalize everything in life from break ups, getting fired, not getting a job, not closing a deal, etc.,

They get an easy out without going into depth about why they really left, how they didn’t put in enough work to keep their job or how they failed to close a deal because their weak follow up game.

Not wanting to be the bearer of bad news by just being honest with themselves and others is what keeps passive people spewing out that toxic phrase.

It’s an incredibly rude and insensitive thing to say to people who are going through hard times. No one wants to hear, “Sorry for your loss, he’s in a better place now.” After someone you love dies.

Like, really? How would you know if it’s a better place? Have you been there? Fuck out my face!

Or when you get divorced or have a miscarriage passive people say, “It just wasn’t meant to be.” Trying to process a loss and hearing those 6 gut wrenching words is not okay.

Instead say something like, “I am so sorry, I am here if you need anything,” Is more socially acceptable.

Saying, “Well, it just wasn’t meant to be” is a positive indication of a person who lacks personal responsibility. Instead of just saying I chose the wrong partner or I was always late to work because I never planned ahead, is being honest with yourself and others.

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It’s not that it wasn’t meant to be, you just didn’t want it bad enough. And that’s okay. Let’s just be adults and keep it real. Miss me with that tired ass phrase lazy people use to dodge responsibility.

Recently, I wrote an article regarding why I hate passive, beta males.

Men who confuse chasing with pursuing, and have major insecurities that give them a timid and hesitant demeanor that most woman I’ve surveyed find very unattractive.

This article is somewhat of a general follow up. I would like to pose this question to my readers:

Are you more likely to say If it’s meant to be it will be?  or Are you more likely to use the phrase, If you want it go get it?”

If you are more likely to say “If it’s meant to be it will be,” You take a more passive and reserved approach to life in general. This is not a bad thing. It just means you believe in the universe, fate, the flow and what is meant to be yours will fall into your lap.

This fate based approach to life has its pros and cons.

You may not be very good in sales. Ambitious people don’t believe if it’s meant to be it will be. They just manifest and make things happen.

Similar to people who complain about being single but don’t take initiative to go out and meet people. They believe the right person will come when it’s meant for them to come and they don’t have to put in any effort to get out the house and meet new people.

This doesn’t mean they beat a dead horse. It means they do the work to show interest, build and develop and if it all falls apart they are not discouraged. Go getters get up and try again, improving their approach and technique. They don’t sulk in resentment and self-pity.

A go getter will never be left contemplating the question, “What if I did more?” or “What if I showed her that I cared in more ways?” Nah. Assertive, ambitious people try and exercise all possibilities before giving up.

That’s why when they walk away they are not sad and depressed. They feel good because they did everything they could. A beta male or fateful person walks away before the chapter is finished.

Chasing someone is pursuing someone who is showing you zero interest. They constantly cancel dates, respond to text messages 24 to 48 hours later, and when they finally meet with you they are inattentive, late and mentally absent. Go getters don’t pursue people who show zero interest. They move on.

Go getters want a return on their investment. Go with the flow, passive people want the other person to do all the work. That’s the fundamental difference.

The go getter at work follows up on leads daily, the passive, “If it’s meant to be it will be,” individual calls the lead once, never follows up and doesn’t care.

They don’t “force,” sales. Whatever the hell that is supposed to mean. Their tiny paychecks is proof of their dependence on the Universe to deliver. Sad!

Passive individuals may hold back when they should move forward boldly and confidently. Taking initiative to them makes them feel like they are being pushy and pressuring other people.

Passive people easily go along with other’s agenda’s because other people’s efforts makes them feel secure.

The major issue with this approach is you may base your efforts on the other persons efforts that your involved with.

If they don’t compliment you, then you won’t compliment them. If they don’t text you first, you won’t text them ever again. If they don’t ask you to hang out, you won’t ask them to hang out.

If they don’t go down on you, then you won’t go down on them. Sex with passive people sucks! They are too dependent on what you do and how much you show you care before they make any moves on their own.

It’s borderline codependent. Yet, they think taking a backseat to everything all the time makes them appear strong and confident. Nah, they look like pussies.

If you want it go get it!

The freedom in this phrase is undeniable. Do we get everything we go after? No! But do we learn a ton in the process? Yes!

The fruit of knowledge is in the journey not in the destination.

The number one regret on the death beds of many is that they regret they didn’t follow their dreams and love harder!

Who wants to live their lives everyday knowing that they are pre-destined to a certain fate and they can’t do anything about it but let it play out?

Not me! That’s a delusional way to live. Free will and choice does play a part to a certain extent. The only time it doesn’t is when people are faced with systematic oppression and that’s another blog.

They didn’t pay enough attention, show enough affection and they didn’t risk enough to win! They never reconciled differences, resolved grudges nor did they have the courage to ask those they’ve hurt for forgiveness.

Nothing risked, nothing gained. Is your soul’s bank account drained?

What approach do you take and why? Please comment below, “like” and share.

Namaste

J. Hihi Copyright@2017

Codependency: Women Who Become The Men They Date

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When it comes to losing themselves in relationships, women seem to do that best. Women are more eager to conform to the lifestyle of the man she loves while he maintains a strong sense of self and stays on his routine.

Women who completely lose themselves in relationships are prone to divorce quicker than a woman who lives an authentic lifestyle despite being married. When codependent women divorce, it is very freeing. They typically blame their husband for the inability to be themselves and become even more entrenched in powerlessness and codependency than before.

I have a friend I went to high school with who was amazing when she was single. She was easy going, didn’t have a huge opinion on social issues nor was she interested in politics. However, every time she started dating a man, her entire life would begin to mimic his.

The codependent Hot Mess!

She would lose herself completely. I started to question whether she ever had a strong sense of self, to begin with. Whatever the man’s political views were she would adopt them, his food preferences, hobbies, and music taste.

My friend would literally turn into the man she was in love with. Often, she became a stranger as she adopted to one new lifestyle after the next depending on what type of man she was in love with.

If I could make up a medical diagnosis for her ever-changing personas, I’d call it Relationship Schizophrenia.

She would change from democrat to republican, a country girl to a city girl, a meat lover to a vegan, an airhead to a scholar, a book hater to a book lover, and a close friend to a distant friend.

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I realized later, that she was severely codependent and as much as I wanted to continue to be her friend, her recent metamorphosis of becoming a borderline alt-right, neoconservative was the straw that broke the camels back. After scrolling down my Facebook timeline reading a very offensive post that degrades and dehumanize African American people, I officially severed ties.

She was one of those spineless women who eagerly became the man she loved. She has lived many different lives, transforming into different women believing that she can somehow when the ultimate acceptance and validation of a man if she became who he was.

I will always cherish the random pockets of time we spent together when she was single and completely at ease with herself, acting on her own authentic beliefs. She was just a hollow girl waiting to be filled by someone, or something.

There’s a wise saying, “Don’t lose yourself to find someone else.” Every time I read it, I am reminded of how easily she abandoned who she was to become a mirror reflection of a man.

Codependency and attachment issues are the typical, underlying issues that create this dynamic of becoming someone other than yourself in relationships. An inherent fear of losing the man you love if you stay true to who you, are causing codependent women to abandon themselves and literally turn into the man she marries.

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Unlike other women who lie about who they are and what they like to do to get a boyfriend, then change back into who they really are after they get comfortable in the relationship, women with Relationship Schizophrenia completely change into another person. They assume another identity permanently, or at least until the relationship ends.

If you have a friend who completely transforms into another entity when she falls in love, please share your story. I am certain you have an off and on again relationship with this friend because when they meet a new man, they drop their goals, routines and girls night out ritual to accommodate their new man’s schedule and preferences. Have you lost yourself in a relationship or know someone who has? Please share your story in the comments below!

 This above all: to thine own self be true, And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any man.” Polonius (Shakespeare).

By Janell Hihi Copyright@2017 All rights reserved.

Relationships Do Not Provide Security: Unless You’re Married, You Are Still Single

Men in relationships are only committed to being committed to you right now. 

Not in the future, because there are no vows, no engagement rings and parts of your life that are still private, like your residence, and your finances. Don’t let a boyfriend flatter you, only a husband can do that!

Ever noticed on the census bureau that you have 2 or 3 options to choose from when choosing your martial status? It’s either single, married or separated.

There is no option for dating or in a relationship because dating or being in a so-called committed relationship means that you are still single.

If there is no ring on your finger and you haven’t signed the legal marriage licensing paperwork and said your vows, you are still single. The U.S Government doesn’t recognize you as married and neither do I.

Women who date guys for 2 or more years without getting engaged, moving in and splitting expenses or getting married are just dating and fucking these men. There is no commitment to stay together or have children or build a real life together. It’s just going to the movies, going to restaurants, and on occasional trips together.

As far as men are concerned, you need to make it hard for them to win your heart in the beginning and hard for them to leave in the end. Leaving should involve lawyers, paperwork, and hard contemplation.

Prenuptial agreements can’t be narcissistic and one sided, you are always owed something if you raised kids especially if they work a lot and you are stuck doing most of the work raising the child. Stay at home moms should NEVER sign prenups.

I had a boyfriend I was deeply in love with and when it hit 1.5 years of being together, I unapologetically gave his ass an automaton, we either move in together or I leave. We couldn’t get married because he was legally still married but was working on finalizing a bankruptcy to get divorced. I know what your thinking “Bankruptcy!”

Yes, I wasn’t in my right mind at the time but regardless we both had challenging circumstances so I decided to accept his. The relationship needed to move forward but he became reluctant. So I left. Thank God I didn’t waste any more of my time. Neither should you. It is important not to date forever, it’s counterproductive and useless for women.

When it’s all said and done, all the years you spend together, regardless if you live together or have even if you have a kid out of wedlock together, it won’t mean ANYTHING in the end because legally you have NO leverage whatsoever!

So please, ladies stop bragging that you have a man when all you have is a sex partner and someone to get Chinese take out with on the weekends. You really ain’t got shit until you have a ring on your finger.

I was married, I know the power of and importance of marriage for a woman. Commitment is who cool but marriage ensures you don’t waste your time or resources because it ensures you have legal protection.

I am not the one to waste my time, my love and divine energy to just be dated a man for years without protecting my investment with legal marriage.

What’s in it for you to date a guy for years without engagement or marriage?

By Janell Hihi Copyright@2017