What’s the Real Problem? Your Self-Esteem or The Narcissist?


This question came to mind today while I read a post from a victim of narcissistic abuse in a private facebook group.

Since the narcissist isn’t putting a gun to your head forcing you to be in a relationship with them, why do victims often choose to stay?

Is the determining factor self-esteem?

Why is it that some women can walk away from a narcissist in a heartbeat at the first sign of mental, emotional or verbal abuse (Devaluation stage) but other women cannot?

The only plausible answer is self-esteem.

Women with high self-esteem easily find the courage to leave at the first signs of abuse. They usually don’t stick around waiting for things to change because their self-esteem reminds them that they can do better.

If your self-esteem is telling you that you can’t do any better than the narcissist, more than likely the real culprit is your lack of self-worth, not so much the narcissist’s abuse.

Afterall, there’s only so many times they should be allowed to manipulate us until we see the ugly truth of who they are and walk away once and for all.

Today, ask yourself what’s the real reason you stay trapped in a relationship with a narcissist?

Is it because YOU don’t believe YOU have the strength to walk away?

Is it because YOU don’t feel YOU can do any better?

Journal the answer and reflect on that. Feel free to comment below!


“What really frightens and dismays us is not external events themselves, but the way in which we think about them. It is not people that disturb us, but our interpretation of their significance.”
― Epictetus

Self-esteem is determined by how we rate others significance to our existence. Are you putting the narcissist on a pedestal by exaggerating their significance in your life?

It seems as though victims of narcissistic abuse idealize the narcissist to justify why they continue to accept narcissistic abuse. Today, stop idealizing the narcissist and see them for who they are. More importantly, look in the mirror and see you for who you are. You deserve better!


J. HIhi @Copyright 2019

Is Fear of Failure The Root Cause of Procastination?


After years of self-introspection, I realized I procrastinated and put off my goals and dreams because I suffered from an underlying fear of failure.

Fear of failure is a result of a lack of self-confidence and self-trust.

It’s not about how bad you want it. 

It’s about rather you believe in yourself enough to pursue it and complete it.

Consistency is a product of believing in yourself and trusting that you have the skills, knowledge, and tools to accomplish your dreams.

Consistency is believing in yourself every day and every moment. It’s doing what you said you will do regardless of the fearful thoughts that enter your mind.

If you are constantly asking yourself in the back of your mind, “What if this doesn’t work?” This means you don’t believe in yourself enough to fully execute your plan.

When these toxic and negative thoughts creep up, we procrastinate as a result. Sometimes we procrastinate to review our plan repeatedly for possible errors.

Then we procrastinate by making ourselves busy with other things to avoid executing our plan. We use circumstances as an excuse for lack of confidence and fear or failure.

Procrastination is a sign of mental imbalance. 

Either you are pursuing a dream that you are not truly passionate about or you lack confidence and fear that it will fail.

It takes maturity to admit that you tried something and you were driven by superficial, egoic outcomes.

If you pursue a dream that can only earn you money but not divine happiness, procrastination will manifest in pursuit of a false dream.

So the next time you find yourself procrastinating, ask yourself the 5 questions below:

  1. Am I afraid to fail? If so why?
  2. Am I pursuing a goal or a dream that I am truly passionate about?
  3. Do I believe in myself enough to be consistent?
  4. How can I increase my self-confidence? Will Counseling help? A life coach? or Furthering my education?
  5. What do I expect to achieve mentally and emotionally if I accomplish this goal?


By Janell Hihi Copyright@2017

The 6 Signs of High Self-Esteem

High self-esteem goes far beyond being good-looking with a striking muscular body and a high paying job. High self-esteem is not just about being positive all the damn time. Which in of itself is highly unrealistic.

High self-esteem comes from a place of authenticity and realness that is immune to the polarity of negativity and positivity.

It just is, what it is! High self-esteem is determined more so by psychological factors and self-perception. High self-esteem is determined by how you interpret life. Interpretation dictates how you react in any given situation.

How you feel about yourself dictates your perceptions.

High self-esteem is an anomaly, a glitch in the matrix! It is an air of unattachment that protects you from every form of mental slavery. It’s the ultimate form of freedom because it takes you out of the bondage of trying to control other people’s impressions of you.

High self-esteem gives you the wisdom that detaching yourself from outcomes is the best way to live. It’s when you’re okay with not being in control because you understand you have the POWER to handle any outcome that comes your way anyways. Below is 6 major signs of what it really means to have high self-esteem.

1.Responsibility for emotions. People with high self-esteem don’t blame others for how they feel. If they are sad, they understand that they invoked sadness as a reaction by choice and they can change that emotion at their own will.

When you have high self-esteem, you understand that there is no puppet master outside of you who dictates how you feel. If you believe that you, and you alone, are the only person that can control your emotions, you will be less dependent on others to make you happy. You will create your own sense of happiness that stays with you regardless of who comes in or out of your life.

2. The ability to face reality without fear. People with high self-esteem accept when things go wrong in their lives and make realistic plans to improve in whatever areas they are lacking. On the contrast, people with low self-esteem stay in a state of avoidance. They would rather deny the poor decisions they made and therefore lack the foresight to create a plan to improve their lives.

People with low self-esteem stay stuck in negative thought patterns that keep their life stagnant and restricted. They are always waiting for someone or something to save them because they believe they have no control over circumstances.

It’s a fear based mentality to believe that there is a savior outside of you who can fix your life. People with high self-esteem face their problems head-on and persevere through setback and challenges.

3. Uninhibited. If you are not afraid to speak your truth, regardless of how different it is from mainstream opinion, congratulations! You have high self-esteem! A great example is if you’re dating a guy and he makes a statement that you do not agree with.

If you conform to his opinion and agree with him to avoid conflict or by fear of appearing different, you have low self-esteem. People with low self-esteem are obsessed with trying to control impressions. Meaning, instead of keeping it real, they mold themselves to fit in with the people who they around. People with low self-esteem have no sense of self, they just mirror those around them. They live with this perpetual fear that being themselves will repel others.

People with low self-esteem have shallow relationships. It’s a superficial bond that doesn’t allow people to get to know you. This is the main reason people with low self-esteem having difficulty starting and maintaining relationships. If you are willing to start a conversation when everyone is quiet and listen attentively when others are talking without feeling threatened or a need to oblige to others points of views, others will see that and recognize your authenticity.

4. Confidence is just being yourself. People with high self-esteem understand that it is impossible to “act” confident. Putting on a show to impress others is insecurity, not confidence. You cannot control the impressions other people will have of you.

The only responsibility you have is to be yourself, unapologetically and if they like you great! If they don’t like, great! Either way, you stay winning and keep it pushing. It’s not your responsibility to make people like you. Only thirsty people are obsessed with validation from others.

There is a difference between starting a relationship with someone merely for social interaction and bonding, then starting a relationship with the need for validation and approval.

Ask yourself, the next time you meet a new person if your motive is to get to know them or is it to gain their approval and validation? This will determine how low or high your self-esteem is.

5. The past is used to learn & grow, not to make you fearful and pessimistic. If you use the past to determine every decision you make in the present moment, first you’re asleep, second, you have low self-esteem.

People with high self-esteem fix past mistakes systematically. They ask themselves, “Okay, how can I learn from this? Where did I go wrong? And how can I use this for my rise?” On the contrast, people with low self-esteem say the following, “He hurt me, I’m never trusting another man again! And “The last business I tried to start failed, I’m done with being an entrepreneur.”

People with low self-esteem are very black and white. People with high self-esteem are in the gray and see things with a balanced perspective. If you run around yelling all men are the same, you are very irrational. All men are not the same! Check your self-esteem at the door and stop spouting false, negative, gloom and doom statements.

6. They Never Compare themselves to other people. Comparison comes from the ego. People with high self-esteem are aware of their own ego and keep it in check. The ego is associated with low self-esteem, fear, and insecurity. People with high self-esteem understand that all people are equal, it is how we choose to use our unique gifts that set us apart.

Therefore, a confident person doesn’t feel any type of way if their friend is more successful than them or if their girlfriend makes more money than them. Other people’s success or failure does not alter the self-esteem of a confident person. If your self-esteem wavers up and down depending on the looks, success or personality of the people you are around, you have no self-esteem.

High self-esteem is being yourself. Keep repeating it to yourself until every thought of being something other than yourself to impress others, withers away.

Be attached to your own truth, not how others see you. Let go of trying to control outcomes and believe that whatever outcome manifest, you are strong enough, sexy enough and intelligent enough to face it and use it for your rise!


By Janell Hihi