“My love is toxic and you’re suicidal.”
Sadomasochism is one of the many pervasive pathologies that plagues narcissistic relationships.
Sadomasochism is about power and control. The sexual context in which it is widely known as only scratches the surface of its complex psychological makeup. In this article as it pertains to narcissistic abuse, emotional sadomasochism is the focus.
Sadism is giving pain and Masochism is receiving pain. The narcissist is considered somewhat of an emotional sadist. The victim of narcissistic abuse is the masochist.
Narcissist are both sadist and masochist.
Narcissist torture with a goal in mind unlike pure sadist who have no goal in mind except pure pleasure. Once the narcissist reaches their goal they leave the target and move on to the next.
The goal is to create the same emotional turmoil within their target that they possess within themselves. Narcissists mentally, verbally and sometimes physically abuse their target to the point that their victim is violent, self-neglecting and chronically depressed. Therefore, the narcissist doesn’t have to inflict those emotions onto them anymore because their victim is now self-sabotaging. It’s as if the narcissist is a virus ready to infect vulnerable software that doesn’t have firewalls.
A firewall is just another word for boundaries. It’s having the ability to detect malignant activity and block it from entering your dominion.
The narcissist makes his victim their own worst enemy.
If a narcissist dumps you (discards you) it means you have now taken the role to hurt yourself so they don’t have to continue hurting you. The narcissist Mission is accomplished! If you’re a masochist, you will gladly take the torch and continue to think and act in a self-defeating manner well after the narcissist leaves you.
You know you’re an emotional masochist if you find caring and loving people less sexually attractive. This falls in line with many women’s desire to lust after the Bad Boy.
Many women I’ve coached hyper focus on sexual chemistry with their narcissistic partner while purposely blinding themselves of the character flaws of their partner. They say mentally weak statements such as “But I can’t leave, the sex is too good!” Unaware that they are making themselves an object of sexual gratification rather than a women worthy of love, respect and fulfilling relationships.
Accepting the sadism and masochism dynamic of narcissistic relationships requires both the victim and the narcissist to recognize their contribution to the dysfunction of their relationship. If I could describe it as a dance it would be The Tango. And we all know… It takes TWO to tangle.
I’ve had endless consultations in the past with women who claim to be victims of narcissistic abuse but deny their willingness to be in abusive relationships as a pathology. The common narrative most victims of narcissistic abuse believe is the helpless ideology that you cannot help who you fall in love with.
Harley Quinn: Have you ever loved someone you knew was wrong for you? Someone who hurt you over and over again but you could forgive them because losing them would hurt even more?
― Injustice: Gods Among Us, Vol. 1
Is constantly feeling pain and anxiety a sense of comfort and familiarity to you?
In most cases, I’ve come to the conclusion that most victims of narcissistic abuse possess a deep subconscious desire to be punished and as a result they subconsciously maintain a lifestyle of perpetual pain, abuse, betrayal and drama. The codependent masochist’s subliminal need to feel pain is an addiction.
A great example is Ike & Tina Turner’s relationship.
Tina was from a small town and grew up with a demanding, cruel and dominant mother who was very controlling and materialistic. That environment of toxicity and control was Tina’s comfort and familiarity. She was accustomed to taking a submissive and subservient role as a child.
When Ike Turner laid eyes on Tina, his pervasive Sadist personality was drawn to her innocent, fragile, demeanor along with her compliance to be controlled. Tina’s mother already trained her to be controlled which made Ike’s job very easy.
Ike and Tina’s mother or (Caregiver) were very much alike and built an alliance together to profit off of Tina’s masochism solely for their benefit.
There’s a saying that narcissist hunt in packs like wolves. Most victims of narcissistic abuse are targeted all at once from narcissistic in their family, at work and school.
Narcissist target individuals who will allow mistreatment and abuse. They don’t see these individuals as nice, sweet, caring and compassionate. They see them as stupid, naive and weak.
The funny thing is, women in relationships with narcissist always ask “Why doesn’t he respect me? I am loyal and I do everything he asks me to do.” That’s exactly why he doesn’t respect you. Mostly, because you don’t know the difference between being loyal and being a doormat.
Would TinaTurner classify herself as a masochist? No. Her addiction to be controlled is insidious, subconscious and a form of environmental programming.
We’re programmed for suffering, not joy. The masochism is built in at a very early age. You’re supposed to work and suffer – and the trouble is: you believe it.
― Fear of Flying
All addicts deny their addiction. Thus, the cycle continues. If you’re reading this shaking your head, it’s okay. I’ve been there, done that! Untreated mental masochism and codependency will take the victim of narcissistic abuse from one toxic relationship to the next. The victim will feel like they are too nice, they love too hard, their an empath that attracts narcissist. Or worse, they are cursed with bad luck in love. Never will they consider that they’re comfortable living in toxicity.
Some people literally cut their wrist to feel pain. However, others enter relationships that they know will bring them pain and suffering despite their being better options available. For example:
1.) Women who decide to date married men hoping one day he will leave his wife.
2.) Women who continue to pursue relationships with men who tell them they are not interested in a committed relationship but the masochist believes she can change his mind.
3.) Women who continue to date men who show blatant signs of mental, physical and emotionally abusive red flags.
4.) Women who agree to friends with benefits relationships but secretly want a committed relationship
5.) Women who willingly over sacrifice despite their partner not requiring them to and get angry when their unwarranted generosity is not reciprocated.
6.) Idealisation of their partner by overlooking their flaws and only focusing on their good qualities.
Each scenario is self-defeating, covert mechanisms of masochism.
“Ana was a perpetual victim in a never-ending search for a victimizer.”
― The Nightlife: Las Vegas
Many women I’ve coached say self-defeating statements like “The narcissist destroyed me!” No one can destroy you unless they kill you and if that was the case you wouldn’t be on my phone line complaining.
The truth is, victims of narcissistic abuse subconsciously wish to experience pain and the narcissist wants to give pain. Both are trapped in the pain body vortex and that is the epitome of the relationship dynamic of sadomasochism.
Due to a mentally, emotionally or physically abusive upbringing both narcissist and victims of narcissistic abuse feel comfort and familiarity within relationships that mimic the abusive environment of their childhood. Genetics also play a part but I will emphasize more of the genetic aspect in my upcoming book How to Defeat a Narcissist.
Below is a list of the mental narrative victims of narcissistic abuse have on replay.
NEGATIVE CORE BELIEFS that (Masochist) Victims of Narcissistic Abuse Possess.
– “I will be loved as long as I submit to the will of others.” “If I assert my independence, I will be abandoned”
– “To get love, I must please others.” “I can never say no.”
– “I must never express my negativity.” “I will hurt myself to prevent others from hurting me.”
– “If I feel too much, I will explode.”
– “I am inferior and disgusting because of my negative feelings.”
– “Life is hard and suffering unavoidable.
The victim’s over emphasis of the narcissists abuse while denying their own willingness to participate in the relationship is evident. That in of itself makes them a narcissist too! Victims of narcissist abuse become obsessed with analyzing the narcissist mind without examining their own.
The true definition of the Victim Mentality is not crying over spilled milk. Victims of crimes and abuse should be encouraged to release their pain and testimony without judgement.
However, the victim mentality pertains to individuals who repeatedly enter toxic situations or relationships that will cause them harm. This is due to the fact that the perpetual victim needs to appoint a villain so they can maintain their position as a victim. In addition, they neglect to get the help they need whether it’s traditional therapy or alternative measures to heal their trauma and break the cycle.
All victims of abuse have the responsibility to get the help they need to heal. In fact, if they don’t their victim mentality transforms into a form of narcissism. Afterall, narcissism is the inability to see fault in oneself and take the necessary steps to change.
Masochist have an inability to let go of pain even years after a relationship ends.
Healing to a masochist is counterproductive and will take away their victim card. This is why they hold onto the pain years after their relationship with the narcissist ends. They use words like “He DISCARDED me.” The word Discard is a masochistic word to self-punish and validate their inner feelings of unworthiness.
The psychological community enables healing by injecting such disturbing words when describing narcissism which in of itself is an entirely new blog topic. As a result of repeating self-sabotaging words and phrases they plague themselves with negative, self-defeating thoughts that give them anxiety and depression while blaming it ALL on the narcissist.
It doesn’t make sense to leave the narcissist if you’re going to take them with you. Carrying pain is masochistic after the grieving process. It doesn’t take years to get over a narcissist. If it does, you’re coddling that pain. You like it!
The key to healing is examining what you tolerate not conducting endless research on why narcissists are abusive.
Knowledge is power, but knowledge of self is the ultimate power because it’s impossible to change a narcissist. Therefore, focusing on changing yourself to prevent entering toxic relationships by acknowledging your own free will is imperative to overcome emotional masochism. It’s an essential step that must be taken to defeat a narcissist.
A mantra I tell most of my clients to write, recite out loud and contemplate is…
“I choose who I love. Why did I choose my partner?”
The above statement followed by the question gives the victim back their power to choose.
If you’re ready to break the cycle of your subconscious addiction to pain I can help! Be sure to read my book to be released on Feb 5, 2019 (How to Defeat a Narcissist – Available on Amazon)
Book a customized coaching session today to get on the path of healing!
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By Janell Hihi Copyright@2019