How the Narcissist Can Turn Their Victims From Confident to Codependent

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Before you met the narcissist you were happy and content with your life. You may have had a few confidence issues, but nothing that stopped you from living your life to the fullest.

However, after the honeymoon phase of your relationship with the narcissist, you experience the toxic, devaluation stage where the love the narcissist once gave is replaced with lies, manipulation and hate.

The 360 Effect

The narcissist shocks their victims into to codependency by changing so abruptly from being Prince Charming to Hellraiser!

The shock creates insecurity, confusion, anxiety, and unrest within the victim. They just want to know why things changed and if it could ever go back to the way it used to be.

The narcissist then throws fuel into the fire by introducing the sadistic mental tactic of Gaslighting.

According to an article by Psychology Today:

“The Oxford Dictionary defines codependency as “excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner.” In a gaslighting relationship, the gaslighter elicits constant insecurity and anxiety in the gaslightee, thereby pulling the gaslightee by the strings. The gaslighter has the power to grant acceptance, approval, respect, safety, and security. The gaslighter also has the power (and often threatens to) take them away. A codependent relationship is formed based on fear, vulnerability, and marginalization.”

The narcissist tries to transform his victim into a weakling in desperate need of his love, affection, approval and validation. Why? Because that makes him feel powerful. He is weak without that power. The victim is just a vessel he can extract from.

The narcissist wants a puppet not a partner in his relationship. He wants to be the remote that can push your buttons and control your actions, how you feel and most importantly, your self-confidence.

The narcissist wants his victim to self-sabotage

The narcissist doesn’t necessarily want to outright destroy his victim. He wants the victim to destroy themselves. Gaslighting is the vehicle he uses to employ his twisted desires.

Below is a list of sure fire signs you’re a victim of Gaslighting

  • Discrediting you by making other people think that you’re crazy, irrational or unstable.
  • Using a mask of confidence, assertiveness, and/or fake compassion to make you believe that you “have it all wrong.” Therefore, eventually, you begin to doubt yourself and believe their version of past events.
  • Changing the subject. The gaslighter may divert the topic by asking another question, or making a statement usually directed at your thoughts, e.g. “You’re imagining things—that never happened!”  “No, you’re wrong, you didn’t remember right.”  “Is that another crazy idea you got from your (family member/friend)?”
  • Minimizing.  By trivializing how you feel and what you think, the gaslighter gains more and more power over you, e.g. “Why are you being so sensitive?” “You don’t need to get angry over a little thing like that!” “I was just joking around, why are you taking things so seriously?”
  • Denial and avoidance. By refusing to acknowledge your feelings and thoughts, the gaslighter causes you to doubt yourself more and more.  For example, “I don’t remember that, you must have dreamt it!” “You’re lying, I never said that.” “I don’t know what you’re talking about, you’re changing the subject.”
  • Twisting and reframing. When the gaslighter confidently and subtly twists and reframes what was said or done in their favor, they can cause you to second-guess yourself—especially when paired with fake compassion, making you feel as though you are “unstable,” “irrational,” and so forth.  For example, “I didn’t say that, I said _____” “I didn’t beat you up Johnny, I just gave you a smack around the head—that’s what all good fathers do.”  “If you remember correctly, I was actually trying to help you.”

Be strong. Be committed to your values, morals and boundaries. Do not let the narcissist turn you into a needy, insecure, codependent puppet they can play with.

By J. Hihi @Copyright2019

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What’s the Real Problem? Your Self-Esteem or The Narcissist?

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This question came to mind today while I read a post from a victim of narcissistic abuse in a private facebook group.

Since the narcissist isn’t putting a gun to your head forcing you to be in a relationship with them, why do victims often choose to stay?

Is the determining factor self-esteem?

Why is it that some women can walk away from a narcissist in a heartbeat at the first sign of mental, emotional or verbal abuse (Devaluation stage) but other women cannot?

The only plausible answer is self-esteem.

Women with high self-esteem easily find the courage to leave at the first signs of abuse. They usually don’t stick around waiting for things to change because their self-esteem reminds them that they can do better.

If your self-esteem is telling you that you can’t do any better than the narcissist, more than likely the real culprit is your lack of self-worth, not so much the narcissist’s abuse.

Afterall, there’s only so many times they should be allowed to manipulate us until we see the ugly truth of who they are and walk away once and for all.

Today, ask yourself what’s the real reason you stay trapped in a relationship with a narcissist?

Is it because YOU don’t believe YOU have the strength to walk away?

Is it because YOU don’t feel YOU can do any better?

Journal the answer and reflect on that. Feel free to comment below!

Remember…

“What really frightens and dismays us is not external events themselves, but the way in which we think about them. It is not people that disturb us, but our interpretation of their significance.”
― Epictetus

Self-esteem is determined by how we rate others significance to our existence. Are you putting the narcissist on a pedestal by exaggerating their significance in your life?

It seems as though victims of narcissistic abuse idealize the narcissist to justify why they continue to accept narcissistic abuse. Today, stop idealizing the narcissist and see them for who they are. More importantly, look in the mirror and see you for who you are. You deserve better!

Sincerely,

J. HIhi @Copyright 2019

eBook Release: How to Defeat a Narcissist

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  • Are you or a loved one trapped in a relationship with a Narcissist?
  • Are you struggling to find a way to beat them and escape the trap they set to ensnare you? 

    Do you want to live a happier and more fulfilling life?

    Living in a relationship, where fear, anger, hurt and low self-esteem are the tools that are used to keep you is dangerous! For most of us, we want loving and secure relationships in which we are equal. But that isn’t what the Narcissist wants.

    It’s time to take back your power.

    This book will breakdown narcissistic myths and replace them with raw and unfiltered facts that will arm you with the mental weaponry to take down a narcissist effortlessly. Be prepared to bookmark word for word comebacks that will shut down gaslighting, mental, and verbal abuse.

More importantly, learning how to deal with narcissists in general is crucial to maintaining happiness and well-being. It serves as a lifetime guide to finding and developing healthy relationships.

This book will reveal the glitch in the narcissistic matrix. It’s your way out! For far too long, victims of narcissistic abuse played checkers while the narcissist was playing chess.

It’s time to upgrade your game and play to win! Are you ready to heal for real?

In this book, you will find your own set of tools to use to reclaim your life and heal from narcissistic abuse to emerge smarter & stronger than ever before.

This book will cover the topics listed below and much more…

-The number one characteristic that defines a Narcissist
-Why they pursued you
-How to deal with a narcissist you can’t discard (Family, coworkers)
-How to shut down gaslighting
-Recognizing and defeating love bombing
-Projection as a means of manipulation
-Why the Narcissist must keep you afraid of losing them
-Healing from Narcissistic abuse
-How to manipulate the narcissist
-How to discard the narcissist before they discard you
-How to properly unmask a narcissist
-The physical, mental & Spiritual Consequences of narcissistic abuse

It’s time to fight back and this book will show you exactly how to do it!

Read an excerpt from the books introduction below…

Narcissist are always reinventing their craft. Narcissist are like bacteria. Once exposed to an antibiotic they recreate themselves to adapt to the new environment. As they advance in recreation, we must too! Once an individual reveals their narcissistic ways it’s too late because at that point the victim has already fell in love with a lie. Removing the venom from the bite of narcissistic abuse is painful but it’s possible.

The first round of the fight with a narcissist is a game of hide and seek. The narcissist is pretending to be someone they’re not, do you have the knowledge to see through their smoke screen?”

Click here to Purchase and/or look inside the eBook listed on Amazon

Paperback and audible version coming soon!

Sincerely,

J.HIhi @Copyright 2019

eBook Release! How to Defeat a Narcissist

How to Defeat a Narcissist 

eBook Available Now on Amazon & Barnes & Noble

Audio book & Paperback available April 29, 2019.

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It’s time to take back your power.

This book will breakdown narcissistic myths and replace them with raw and unfiltered facts that will arm you with the mental weaponry to take down a narcissist effortlessly. Be prepared to bookmark word for word comebacks that will shut down gaslighting, mental, and verbal abuse. Remember, dealing with a narcissist is a battle that consist of prey and the predator. Are you sick and tired of being helpless prey to narcissistic abuse and toxic relationships? After reading this book you will be well equipped to calculate the narcissist every move and protect yourself against abuse using the tools and techniques formulated by in depth research, personal triumph, proven psychological and spiritual tactics.

This book is different from the rest.

It goes beyond the limits of the psychological aspects of narcissism and explores the narcissist through the perspective of society, culture, spirituality and metaphysics. Also, this book takes a deep dive into the physical symptoms of enduring narcissistic abuse that trigger stress and disease to manifest into the victim’s body. A relationship with a narcissist is very dangerous. This book provides counter techniques that will assist in defeating narcissist on every level. Mind, body and soul.

This book will reveal the glitch in the narcissistic matrix.

It’s your way out! For far too long, victims of narcissistic abuse played checkers while the narcissist was playing chess. It’s time to upgrade your game and play to win! In this book, winning is about regaining your power, values, and boundaries that the narcissist relentlessly tried to strip away from you. It’s about beating them at their own game while at the same time becoming a better and stronger person. Are you ready?

Click here to buy now! 

By Janell Hihi @copyright2019

Why the Narcissist Says “You’re Too Sensitive!”

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One of the narcissists favorite lines is “You’re too sensitive.”

They often make that statement after passively aggressively or overtly insulting you. The narcissist labels you as too sensitive so that you drop your defenses and accept their abuse without protesting.

The narcissist wishes to dumb down his victim to the point they are so insecure and in need of validation of their own feelings that they judge their own reactions to the abuse narcissist inflict upon them.

If the narcissist says, “You’re too sensitive” repeatedly… he can rewire the victims subconscious mind to accept that false judgement.

The victim will then start to believe they are inadequate and hypersensitive. It’s an insidious form of gaslighting.

The Consequences of accepting Long-term abuse

The danger of accepting long term narcissistic abuse is it has a hypnotic effect on the victim because human beings eventually become what they hear, see and do. It is scientifically proven that our environment has the ability to change our DNA!

Similar to how a verbally abusive parent who calls their child “stupid” can mold the child into having severe learning disabilities by injecting a lack of confidence into the child’s psyche. A very intelligent child can become academically challenged by repeatedly being told they are stupid. Their parents constant banter hunts them like a ghost whispering in their ear You’re Stupid everytime they pick up a book or a pencil and it stops them from trying to learn.

Abuse can supercede your talents and gifts and turn you into a numb, dumb and zombie like spectacle of a human being.

What could be worse?

Accepting long-term narcissistic abuse can actually turn you into an emotional masochist(Someone who is addicted feeling emotional pain). This is deep. Learn more by reading my article Sadomasochism: Are You Subconsciously Addicted to Toxic Relationships?

Is that what you want for yourself? If not, take heed of the long term consequences of choosing to stay in abusive relationships.

Do you find yourself jumping from one abusive relationship to another? I can help. Sign up for 1 on 1, customized coaching today!

By J.Hihi @Copyright 2019

Sadomasochism: Are You Subconsciously Addicted to Toxic Relationships?

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“My love is toxic and you’re suicidal.”
― Ahmed Mostafa

Sadomasochism is one of the many pervasive pathologies that plagues narcissistic relationships.

Sadomasochism is about power and control. The sexual context in which it is widely known as only scratches the surface of its complex psychological makeup. In this article as it pertains to narcissistic abuse, emotional sadomasochism is the focus.

Sadism is giving pain and Masochism is receiving pain. The narcissist is considered somewhat of an emotional sadist. The victim of narcissistic abuse is the masochist.

Narcissist are both sadist and masochist.

Narcissist torture with a goal in mind unlike pure sadist who have no goal in mind except pure pleasure. Once the narcissist reaches their goal they leave the target and move on to the next.

The goal is to create the same emotional turmoil within their target that they possess within themselves. Narcissists mentally, verbally and sometimes physically abuse their target to the point that their victim is violent, self-neglecting and chronically depressed. Therefore, the narcissist doesn’t have to inflict those emotions onto them anymore because their victim is now self-sabotaging. It’s as if the narcissist is a virus ready to infect vulnerable software that doesn’t have firewalls.

A firewall is just another word for boundaries. It’s having the ability to detect malignant activity and block it from entering your dominion.

The narcissist makes his victim their own worst enemy.

If a narcissist dumps you (discards you) it means you have now taken the role to hurt yourself so they don’t have to continue hurting you. The narcissist Mission is accomplished! If you’re a masochist, you will gladly take the torch and continue to think and act in a self-defeating manner well after the narcissist leaves you.

You know you’re an emotional masochist if you find caring and loving people less sexually attractive. This falls in line with many women’s desire to lust after the Bad Boy.

Many women I’ve coached hyper focus on sexual chemistry with their narcissistic partner while purposely blinding themselves of the character flaws of their partner. They say mentally weak statements such as “But I can’t leave, the sex is too good!” Unaware that they are making themselves an object of sexual gratification rather than a women worthy of love, respect and fulfilling relationships.

Accepting the sadism and masochism dynamic of narcissistic relationships requires both the victim and the narcissist to recognize their contribution to the dysfunction of their relationship. If I could describe it as a dance it would be The Tango. And we all know… It takes TWO to tangle. 

I’ve had endless consultations in the past with women who claim to be victims of narcissistic abuse but deny their willingness to be in abusive relationships as a pathology. The common narrative most victims of narcissistic abuse believe is the helpless ideology that you cannot help who you fall in love with.

Harley Quinn: Have you ever loved someone you knew was wrong for you? Someone who hurt you over and over again but you could forgive them because losing them would hurt even more?
― Tom Taylor, Injustice: Gods Among Us, Vol. 1

Is constantly feeling pain and anxiety a sense of comfort and familiarity to you?

In most cases, I’ve come to the conclusion that most victims of narcissistic abuse possess a deep subconscious desire to be punished and as a result they subconsciously maintain a lifestyle of perpetual pain, abuse, betrayal and drama. The codependent masochist’s subliminal need to feel pain is an addiction.

A great example is Ike & Tina Turner’s relationship.

Tina was from a small town and grew up with a demanding, cruel and dominant mother who was very controlling and materialistic. That environment of toxicity and control was Tina’s comfort and familiarity. She was accustomed to taking a submissive and subservient role as a child.

When Ike Turner laid eyes on Tina, his pervasive Sadist personality was drawn to her innocent, fragile, demeanor along with her compliance to be controlled. Tina’s mother already trained her to be controlled which made Ike’s job very easy.

Ike and Tina’s mother or (Caregiver) were very much alike and built an alliance together to profit off of Tina’s masochism solely for their benefit.

There’s a saying that narcissist hunt in packs like wolves. Most victims of narcissistic abuse are targeted all at once from narcissistic in their family, at work and school.

Narcissist target individuals who will allow mistreatment and abuse. They don’t see these individuals as nice, sweet, caring and compassionate. They see them as stupid, naive and weak.

The funny thing is, women in relationships with narcissist always ask “Why doesn’t he respect me? I am loyal and I do everything he asks me to do.” That’s exactly why he doesn’t respect you. Mostly, because you don’t know the difference between being loyal and being a doormat.

Would TinaTurner classify herself as a masochist? No. Her addiction to be controlled is insidious, subconscious and a form of environmental programming. 

We’re programmed for suffering, not joy. The masochism is built in at a very early age. You’re supposed to work and suffer – and the trouble is: you believe it.
― Erica Jong, Fear of Flying

All addicts deny their addiction. Thus, the cycle continues. If you’re reading this shaking your head, it’s okay. I’ve been there, done that! Untreated mental masochism and codependency will take the victim of narcissistic abuse from one toxic relationship to the next. The victim will feel like they are too nice, they love too hard, their an empath that attracts narcissist. Or worse, they are cursed with bad luck in love. Never will they consider that they’re comfortable living in toxicity.

Some people literally cut their wrist to feel pain. However, others enter relationships that they know will bring them pain and suffering despite their being better options available. For example:

1.) Women who decide to date married men hoping one day he will leave his wife.

2.) Women who continue to pursue relationships with men who tell them they are not interested in a committed relationship but the masochist believes she can change his mind.

3.) Women who continue to date men who show blatant signs of mental, physical and emotionally abusive red flags.

4.) Women who agree to friends with benefits relationships but secretly want a committed relationship

5.) Women who willingly over sacrifice despite their partner not requiring them to and get angry when their unwarranted generosity is not reciprocated.

6.) Idealisation of their partner by overlooking their flaws and only focusing on their good qualities.

Each scenario is self-defeating, covert mechanisms of masochism.

“Ana was a perpetual victim in a never-ending search for a victimizer.”
― Travis Luedke, The Nightlife: Las Vegas

Many women I’ve coached say self-defeating statements like “The narcissist destroyed me!” No one can destroy you unless they kill you and if that was the case you wouldn’t be on my phone line complaining.

The truth is, victims of narcissistic abuse subconsciously wish to experience pain and the narcissist wants to give pain. Both are trapped in the pain body vortex and that is the epitome of the relationship dynamic of sadomasochism.

Due to a mentally, emotionally or physically abusive upbringing both narcissist and victims of narcissistic abuse feel comfort and familiarity within relationships that mimic the abusive environment of their childhood. Genetics also play a part but I will emphasize more of the genetic aspect in my upcoming book How to Defeat a Narcissist.

Below is a list of the mental narrative victims of narcissistic abuse have on replay.

NEGATIVE CORE BELIEFS that (Masochist) Victims of Narcissistic Abuse Possess.

– “I will be loved as long as I submit to the will of others.” “If I assert my independence, I will be abandoned”

– “To get love, I must please others.” “I can never say no.”

– “I must never express my negativity.” “I will hurt myself to prevent others from hurting me.”

– “If I feel too much, I will explode.”

– “I am inferior and disgusting because of my negative feelings.”

– “Life is hard and suffering unavoidable.

The victim’s over emphasis of the narcissists abuse while denying their own willingness to participate in the relationship is evident. That in of itself makes them a narcissist too! Victims of narcissist abuse become obsessed with analyzing the narcissist mind without examining their own.

The true definition of the Victim Mentality is not crying over spilled milk. Victims of crimes and abuse should be encouraged to release their pain and testimony without judgement.

However, the victim mentality pertains to individuals who repeatedly enter toxic situations or relationships that will cause them harm. This is due to the fact that the perpetual victim needs to appoint a villain so they can maintain their position as a victim. In addition, they neglect to get the help they need whether it’s traditional therapy or alternative measures to heal their trauma and break the cycle.

All victims of abuse have the responsibility to get the help they need to heal. In fact, if they don’t their victim mentality transforms into a form of narcissism. Afterall, narcissism is the inability to see fault in oneself and take the necessary steps to change.

Masochist have an inability to let go of pain even years after a relationship ends.

Healing to a masochist is counterproductive and will take away their victim card. This is why they hold onto the pain years after their relationship with the narcissist ends. They use words like “He DISCARDED me.” The word Discard is a masochistic word to self-punish and validate their inner feelings of unworthiness.

The psychological community enables healing by injecting such disturbing words when describing narcissism which in of itself is an entirely new blog topic. As a result of repeating self-sabotaging words and phrases they plague themselves with negative, self-defeating thoughts that give them anxiety and depression while blaming it ALL on the narcissist.

It doesn’t make sense to leave the narcissist if you’re going to take them with you. Carrying pain is masochistic after the grieving process. It doesn’t take years to get over a narcissist. If it does, you’re coddling that pain. You like it!

The key to healing is examining what you tolerate not conducting endless research on why narcissists are abusive.

Knowledge is power, but knowledge of self is the ultimate power because it’s impossible to change a narcissist. Therefore, focusing on changing yourself to prevent entering toxic relationships by acknowledging your own free will is imperative to overcome emotional masochism. It’s an essential step that must be taken to defeat a narcissist.

A mantra I tell most of my clients to write, recite out loud and contemplate is…

“I choose who I love. Why did I choose my partner?”

The above statement followed by the question gives the victim back their power to choose.

If you’re ready to break the cycle of your subconscious addiction to pain I can help! Be sure to read my book to be released on Feb 5, 2019 (How to Defeat a Narcissist – Available on Amazon)

Book a customized coaching session today to get on the path of healing!

Book a Coaching Session Click here

By Janell Hihi Copyright@2019

Codependency: Women Who Become The Men They Date

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When it comes to losing themselves in relationships, women seem to do that best. Women are more eager to conform to the lifestyle of the man she loves while he maintains a strong sense of self and stays on his routine.

Women who completely lose themselves in relationships are prone to divorce quicker than a woman who lives an authentic lifestyle despite being married. When codependent women divorce, it is very freeing. They typically blame their husband for the inability to be themselves and become even more entrenched in powerlessness and codependency than before.

I have a friend I went to high school with who was amazing when she was single. She was easy going, didn’t have a huge opinion on social issues nor was she interested in politics. However, every time she started dating a man, her entire life would begin to mimic his.

The codependent Hot Mess!

She would lose herself completely. I started to question whether she ever had a strong sense of self, to begin with. Whatever the man’s political views were she would adopt them, his food preferences, hobbies, and music taste.

My friend would literally turn into the man she was in love with. Often, she became a stranger as she adopted to one new lifestyle after the next depending on what type of man she was in love with.

If I could make up a medical diagnosis for her ever-changing personas, I’d call it Relationship Schizophrenia.

She would change from democrat to republican, a country girl to a city girl, a meat lover to a vegan, an airhead to a scholar, a book hater to a book lover, and a close friend to a distant friend.

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I realized later, that she was severely codependent and as much as I wanted to continue to be her friend, her recent metamorphosis of becoming a borderline alt-right, neoconservative was the straw that broke the camels back. After scrolling down my Facebook timeline reading a very offensive post that degrades and dehumanize African American people, I officially severed ties.

She was one of those spineless women who eagerly became the man she loved. She has lived many different lives, transforming into different women believing that she can somehow when the ultimate acceptance and validation of a man if she became who he was.

I will always cherish the random pockets of time we spent together when she was single and completely at ease with herself, acting on her own authentic beliefs. She was just a hollow girl waiting to be filled by someone, or something.

There’s a wise saying, “Don’t lose yourself to find someone else.” Every time I read it, I am reminded of how easily she abandoned who she was to become a mirror reflection of a man.

Codependency and attachment issues are the typical, underlying issues that create this dynamic of becoming someone other than yourself in relationships. An inherent fear of losing the man you love if you stay true to who you, are causing codependent women to abandon themselves and literally turn into the man she marries.

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Unlike other women who lie about who they are and what they like to do to get a boyfriend, then change back into who they really are after they get comfortable in the relationship, women with Relationship Schizophrenia completely change into another person. They assume another identity permanently, or at least until the relationship ends.

If you have a friend who completely transforms into another entity when she falls in love, please share your story. I am certain you have an off and on again relationship with this friend because when they meet a new man, they drop their goals, routines and girls night out ritual to accommodate their new man’s schedule and preferences. Have you lost yourself in a relationship or know someone who has? Please share your story in the comments below!

 This above all: to thine own self be true, And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any man.” Polonius (Shakespeare).

By Janell Hihi Copyright@2017 All rights reserved.