Quick Tip On How to Get Over a Narcissist

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If you want to get over a narcissist don’t spend all your time over analyzing and researching their behavior.

A much more empowering mindset is to simply not settle for what you don’t want (The narcissist) and seek out what you do want(A healthy relationship)… without blame, argument, accusation or attack.

Today, let go of obsessive thoughts. Focus on improving yourself and getting out into the world so you can meet better people and find the love you deserve!

J. HIhi Copyright@2019

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Why the Narcissist Says “You’re Too Sensitive!”

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One of the narcissists favorite lines is “You’re too sensitive.”

They often make that statement after passively aggressively or overtly insulting you. The narcissist labels you as too sensitive so that you drop your defenses and accept their abuse without protesting.

The narcissist wishes to dumb down his victim to the point they are so insecure and in need of validation of their own feelings that they judge their own reactions to the abuse narcissist inflict upon them.

If the narcissist says, “You’re too sensitive” repeatedly… he can rewire the victims subconscious mind to accept that false judgement.

The victim will then start to believe they are inadequate and hypersensitive. It’s an insidious form of gaslighting.

The Consequences of accepting Long-term abuse

The danger of accepting long term narcissistic abuse is it has a hypnotic effect on the victim because human beings eventually become what they hear, see and do. It is scientifically proven that our environment has the ability to change our DNA!

Similar to how a verbally abusive parent who calls their child “stupid” can mold the child into having severe learning disabilities by injecting a lack of confidence into the child’s psyche. A very intelligent child can become academically challenged by repeatedly being told they are stupid. Their parents constant banter hunts them like a ghost whispering in their ear You’re Stupid everytime they pick up a book or a pencil and it stops them from trying to learn.

Abuse can supercede your talents and gifts and turn you into a numb, dumb and zombie like spectacle of a human being.

What could be worse?

Accepting long-term narcissistic abuse can actually turn you into an emotional masochist(Someone who is addicted feeling emotional pain). This is deep. Learn more by reading my article Sadomasochism: Are You Subconsciously Addicted to Toxic Relationships?

Is that what you want for yourself? If not, take heed of the long term consequences of choosing to stay in abusive relationships.

Do you find yourself jumping from one abusive relationship to another? I can help. Sign up for 1 on 1, customized coaching today!

By J.Hihi @Copyright 2019

Sadomasochism: Are You Subconsciously Addicted to Toxic Relationships?

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“My love is toxic and you’re suicidal.”
― Ahmed Mostafa

Sadomasochism is one of the many pervasive pathologies that plagues narcissistic relationships.

Sadomasochism is about power and control. The sexual context in which it is widely known as only scratches the surface of its complex psychological makeup. In this article as it pertains to narcissistic abuse, emotional sadomasochism is the focus.

Sadism is giving pain and Masochism is receiving pain. The narcissist is considered somewhat of an emotional sadist. The victim of narcissistic abuse is the masochist.

Narcissist are both sadist and masochist.

Narcissist torture with a goal in mind unlike pure sadist who have no goal in mind except pure pleasure. Once the narcissist reaches their goal they leave the target and move on to the next.

The goal is to create the same emotional turmoil within their target that they possess within themselves. Narcissists mentally, verbally and sometimes physically abuse their target to the point that their victim is violent, self-neglecting and chronically depressed. Therefore, the narcissist doesn’t have to inflict those emotions onto them anymore because their victim is now self-sabotaging. It’s as if the narcissist is a virus ready to infect vulnerable software that doesn’t have firewalls.

A firewall is just another word for boundaries. It’s having the ability to detect malignant activity and block it from entering your dominion.

The narcissist makes his victim their own worst enemy.

If a narcissist dumps you (discards you) it means you have now taken the role to hurt yourself so they don’t have to continue hurting you. The narcissist Mission is accomplished! If you’re a masochist, you will gladly take the torch and continue to think and act in a self-defeating manner well after the narcissist leaves you.

You know you’re an emotional masochist if you find caring and loving people less sexually attractive. This falls in line with many women’s desire to lust after the Bad Boy.

Many women I’ve coached hyper focus on sexual chemistry with their narcissistic partner while purposely blinding themselves of the character flaws of their partner. They say mentally weak statements such as “But I can’t leave, the sex is too good!” Unaware that they are making themselves an object of sexual gratification rather than a women worthy of love, respect and fulfilling relationships.

Accepting the sadism and masochism dynamic of narcissistic relationships requires both the victim and the narcissist to recognize their contribution to the dysfunction of their relationship. If I could describe it as a dance it would be The Tango. And we all know… It takes TWO to tangle. 

I’ve had endless consultations in the past with women who claim to be victims of narcissistic abuse but deny their willingness to be in abusive relationships as a pathology. The common narrative most victims of narcissistic abuse believe is the helpless ideology that you cannot help who you fall in love with.

Harley Quinn: Have you ever loved someone you knew was wrong for you? Someone who hurt you over and over again but you could forgive them because losing them would hurt even more?
― Tom Taylor, Injustice: Gods Among Us, Vol. 1

Is constantly feeling pain and anxiety a sense of comfort and familiarity to you?

In most cases, I’ve come to the conclusion that most victims of narcissistic abuse possess a deep subconscious desire to be punished and as a result they subconsciously maintain a lifestyle of perpetual pain, abuse, betrayal and drama. The codependent masochist’s subliminal need to feel pain is an addiction.

A great example is Ike & Tina Turner’s relationship.

Tina was from a small town and grew up with a demanding, cruel and dominant mother who was very controlling and materialistic. That environment of toxicity and control was Tina’s comfort and familiarity. She was accustomed to taking a submissive and subservient role as a child.

When Ike Turner laid eyes on Tina, his pervasive Sadist personality was drawn to her innocent, fragile, demeanor along with her compliance to be controlled. Tina’s mother already trained her to be controlled which made Ike’s job very easy.

Ike and Tina’s mother or (Caregiver) were very much alike and built an alliance together to profit off of Tina’s masochism solely for their benefit.

There’s a saying that narcissist hunt in packs like wolves. Most victims of narcissistic abuse are targeted all at once from narcissistic in their family, at work and school.

Narcissist target individuals who will allow mistreatment and abuse. They don’t see these individuals as nice, sweet, caring and compassionate. They see them as stupid, naive and weak.

The funny thing is, women in relationships with narcissist always ask “Why doesn’t he respect me? I am loyal and I do everything he asks me to do.” That’s exactly why he doesn’t respect you. Mostly, because you don’t know the difference between being loyal and being a doormat.

Would TinaTurner classify herself as a masochist? No. Her addiction to be controlled is insidious, subconscious and a form of environmental programming. 

We’re programmed for suffering, not joy. The masochism is built in at a very early age. You’re supposed to work and suffer – and the trouble is: you believe it.
― Erica Jong, Fear of Flying

All addicts deny their addiction. Thus, the cycle continues. If you’re reading this shaking your head, it’s okay. I’ve been there, done that! Untreated mental masochism and codependency will take the victim of narcissistic abuse from one toxic relationship to the next. The victim will feel like they are too nice, they love too hard, their an empath that attracts narcissist. Or worse, they are cursed with bad luck in love. Never will they consider that they’re comfortable living in toxicity.

Some people literally cut their wrist to feel pain. However, others enter relationships that they know will bring them pain and suffering despite their being better options available. For example:

1.) Women who decide to date married men hoping one day he will leave his wife.

2.) Women who continue to pursue relationships with men who tell them they are not interested in a committed relationship but the masochist believes she can change his mind.

3.) Women who continue to date men who show blatant signs of mental, physical and emotionally abusive red flags.

4.) Women who agree to friends with benefits relationships but secretly want a committed relationship

5.) Women who willingly over sacrifice despite their partner not requiring them to and get angry when their unwarranted generosity is not reciprocated.

6.) Idealisation of their partner by overlooking their flaws and only focusing on their good qualities.

Each scenario is self-defeating, covert mechanisms of masochism.

“Ana was a perpetual victim in a never-ending search for a victimizer.”
― Travis Luedke, The Nightlife: Las Vegas

Many women I’ve coached say self-defeating statements like “The narcissist destroyed me!” No one can destroy you unless they kill you and if that was the case you wouldn’t be on my phone line complaining.

The truth is, victims of narcissistic abuse subconsciously wish to experience pain and the narcissist wants to give pain. Both are trapped in the pain body vortex and that is the epitome of the relationship dynamic of sadomasochism.

Due to a mentally, emotionally or physically abusive upbringing both narcissist and victims of narcissistic abuse feel comfort and familiarity within relationships that mimic the abusive environment of their childhood. Genetics also play a part but I will emphasize more of the genetic aspect in my upcoming book How to Defeat a Narcissist.

Below is a list of the mental narrative victims of narcissistic abuse have on replay.

NEGATIVE CORE BELIEFS that (Masochist) Victims of Narcissistic Abuse Possess.

– “I will be loved as long as I submit to the will of others.” “If I assert my independence, I will be abandoned”

– “To get love, I must please others.” “I can never say no.”

– “I must never express my negativity.” “I will hurt myself to prevent others from hurting me.”

– “If I feel too much, I will explode.”

– “I am inferior and disgusting because of my negative feelings.”

– “Life is hard and suffering unavoidable.

The victim’s over emphasis of the narcissists abuse while denying their own willingness to participate in the relationship is evident. That in of itself makes them a narcissist too! Victims of narcissist abuse become obsessed with analyzing the narcissist mind without examining their own.

The true definition of the Victim Mentality is not crying over spilled milk. Victims of crimes and abuse should be encouraged to release their pain and testimony without judgement.

However, the victim mentality pertains to individuals who repeatedly enter toxic situations or relationships that will cause them harm. This is due to the fact that the perpetual victim needs to appoint a villain so they can maintain their position as a victim. In addition, they neglect to get the help they need whether it’s traditional therapy or alternative measures to heal their trauma and break the cycle.

All victims of abuse have the responsibility to get the help they need to heal. In fact, if they don’t their victim mentality transforms into a form of narcissism. Afterall, narcissism is the inability to see fault in oneself and take the necessary steps to change.

Masochist have an inability to let go of pain even years after a relationship ends.

Healing to a masochist is counterproductive and will take away their victim card. This is why they hold onto the pain years after their relationship with the narcissist ends. They use words like “He DISCARDED me.” The word Discard is a masochistic word to self-punish and validate their inner feelings of unworthiness.

The psychological community enables healing by injecting such disturbing words when describing narcissism which in of itself is an entirely new blog topic. As a result of repeating self-sabotaging words and phrases they plague themselves with negative, self-defeating thoughts that give them anxiety and depression while blaming it ALL on the narcissist.

It doesn’t make sense to leave the narcissist if you’re going to take them with you. Carrying pain is masochistic after the grieving process. It doesn’t take years to get over a narcissist. If it does, you’re coddling that pain. You like it!

The key to healing is examining what you tolerate not conducting endless research on why narcissists are abusive.

Knowledge is power, but knowledge of self is the ultimate power because it’s impossible to change a narcissist. Therefore, focusing on changing yourself to prevent entering toxic relationships by acknowledging your own free will is imperative to overcome emotional masochism. It’s an essential step that must be taken to defeat a narcissist.

A mantra I tell most of my clients to write, recite out loud and contemplate is…

“I choose who I love. Why did I choose my partner?”

The above statement followed by the question gives the victim back their power to choose.

If you’re ready to break the cycle of your subconscious addiction to pain I can help! Be sure to read my book to be released on Feb 5, 2019 (How to Defeat a Narcissist – Available on Amazon)

Book a customized coaching session today to get on the path of healing!

Book a Coaching Session Click here

By Janell Hihi Copyright@2019

Stop Using Being an Empath as an Excuse for Accepting Narcissistic Abuse

I noticed a disturbing trend.

Recently, I’ve received a surge of consultations with both women and men using the excuse as being an empath for the reason they attract unhealthy, toxic relationships into their lives.

The definition of an empath has nothing to do with allowing people to walk all over you. Please read the definition of an empath below; If you truly were an empath you’d be able to sniff out a narcissist from a mile away and you’d do everything in your power to avoid them!

em·path
/ˈempaTH/
noun
  1. (chiefly in science fiction) a person with the paranormal ability to apprehend the mental or emotional state of another individual.

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They say things to dodge responsibility for having little to no boundaries when it comes to relationships. A few very common phrases that so-called empaths use is “I love too hard” or “I have a big heart and people take advantage of that.”

These excuses people use who are being abused by narcissist just lead to further abuse because an excuse is self-defeating. Excuses enable us and take away our power to truly take control of our love life.

Accepting narcissistic abuse has nothing to do with having a big heart. However, it has everything to do with having low self-esteem and weak boundaries. 

A lack of a back bone is what led victims of narcissistic abuse into the trap narcissist set out for them. They’re inability to accept the red flags they see glaring in their face and fall head over heels in love without using a grain of logic is the reason they CHOOSE to love narcissists.

Please stop misconstruing the definition of an empath with your inability to stand up for yourself.

Yes, this blog is tough love. If you’re not ready to change and attract healthier relationships into your life… you’ll probably stop reading this article right about now.

Everyone attracts narcissists, not just empaths. However, women who know their worth won’t give a narcissist the time of day because he won’t be able to deliver upon her demands. Narcissist are all talk, no action. Smart, confident women don’t bank on future promises and potential.

In life, you get what you demand from men, not what you deserve!

Imagine a life where everyone got what they deserved just by existing... Maybe that way of life does exist in an alternate reality far off in another galaxy. It certainly doesn’t exist on earth!

The issue with people using being an empath as an excuse for accepting toxic relationships is they never encompassed the power to truly decide what they want for their lives before the narcissist came along. The narcissist took advantage of that kink in their armour.

Do you want to know how to defeat a narcissist? 

Examine what you tolerate. Make the necessary changes. Begin within.

You’ll never be able to save the narcissist, force them to see your worth or reciprocate your love. Narcissist are maladaptive, meaning they CAN’T change.

But there’s good news!

You can change! Self-Responsibility is narcissistic repellant. If you need help regaining your power or assistance leaving a narcissistic relationship – I can help! Book your consultation today! I will come up with a game plan unique to your situation that will help you every step of the way.  Click here to schedule your consultation.

Also, be sure to read my upcoming book… How to Defeat a Narcissist. Available on Amazon Feb. 5, 2019.

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By J. Hihi

Copyright@2019

Why Every Women Should Keep a Catfishing Account while in a Relationship

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Let’s face it.

Being smart is just as important as being pretty. It’s just as important as staying in shape and taking good care of yourself.

Unfortunately, we live in a world that just isn’t fair.

Of course technology has improved our lives but it has also created conveniences for men to easily step out on their partner by swiping left or right.

The internet presents endless options. Men who are disloyal by nature will not able to resist the temptation of testing the waters to see what else is out there.

If a woman has no cause to wonder if her man would cheat, she should still maintain a catfishing profile. I’d recommend checking it twice a month just to see what’s up.

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Never reach out to your boyfriend if you see him online. Create an account with a profile that would attract him but do not make the first move. If done right, he will message you first. The account is made to observe his behavior and to see if he’s still online dating while in a relationship with you!

And don’t assume I’m insecure because I set traps.

I just want the truth, and nothing but the truth so help me GOD! 

Unlike most women, I’m not afraid of the truth. I welcome it. In fact, I crave it. I will find out a man’s intentions before he is able to sink his teeth into me and suck blood.

If he’s a good man, my catfishing profile won’t interest him. He won’t have an online dating account to begin with. If he’s shady, he’ll take the bait and I’ll dodge a bullet. It’s a win-win when women start playing the game instead of acting like the game doesn’t exist.

What having a catfish account has taught me…

  1. Some men will look elsewhere as soon as there is an argument in the relationship. These men are not solution oriented. They are escapist. They represent the worst qualities in a man and make poor relationship material. Several guys I dated messaged my catfish account when things got rough in our relationship. Instead of having an open dialogue with me, they’d rather cheat. These men fall under the avoidant personality type and they are more compatible with women who also have the avoidant personality type. Instead of finding solutions to their problems, they ignore them and let them fester until one person begins to cheat and the other finds out. They prefer the slow fade ending to a relationship.
  2. It proves they really aren’t that into you! It’s a hard pill to swallow ladies but if he claims to be committed to you but has a secret online account offering to take women to expensive restaurants and help them fix their cars… his air of desperation to assist other women is an obvious sign he doesn’t see ANY value you in you. Thanks to your catfish account, you’ll know that he’s just stringing you along until he finds someone better.
  3. You get to see another side of them. The dark side! Oh yes… everyone has a dark side. If you create a catfish account and your so-called boyfriend/husband makes the first move and asks the fake chick out… you are allowed to ask him deep, emotional and sexual questions to reveal his dark side he may not be comfortable sharing with you. I exposed some pretty dark fetishes. Some revolting and highly criminal! You will feel like you really don’t know your partner at all. But… it gives you a gateway to offer to do to him what the catfish girl is offering and it could spice up your relationship big time! I recommend this scenario if he’s not willing to truly pursue the fake women but more so wants to have a virtual, sexual fantasy relationship with her because he’s secretly bored with his sex life with you. This requires thick skin. Proceed if you have the strength to do so.
  4. Some men are only as faithful as their options. Imagine how many women he’s messaging on theses dating sites? Imagine how many other dating accounts he’s subscribed to while in a relationship with you. For men, dating sites are like telemarketing. It’s a numbers game. They will keep casting out their net until they catch a fish willing to give them a chance. Some men can love their wife and kids but still desire other women to fulfill their sexual desires. Some men are not one women men. A truth every women must accept. If he’s a good provider but a cheater perhaps you can deal with that. But if he’s more work than he is beneficial, it may be time to consult a divorce attorney.
  5. Discover what he’s missing from his relationship with you! This will be tough if you can’t admit your own flaws and shortcomings. However, sometimes, you’ve done everything right and he still lurks online, desperately seeking other women. When he messages your catfish account, ask him about his most recent relationship and why it ended, what he hated about his ex. The information you receive will be priceless. It will also give you closure when you leave him. If you decide to stay, it’s a great way to discuss his needs and your needs and if there’s a way you too can be more fulfilling towards each other. It’s a win/win either way. You decide which way you want to go!
  6. Discover how far he’s willing to go for other women. Did he refuse to help you fix your car but offered a woman he barely knows online $300 to fix hers? Have you been begging him to take you to a play but he refuses but as soon as Mrs. Catfish asks him to take her to the same play he immediately offers to buy the tickets? You’ve been dying to try Topgolf but he said he’s not interested and it’s stupid! But Mrs. Catfish asks him on a date at the same Top Golf establishment and he says he’s been dying to try it! If he’s eager to do for other women what he refuses to do for you, he’s fake. He’s using you and it’s time to go. You are being taken for granted. Plain and simple.
  7. He was probably was cheating on you from the start! Once a cheater always a cheater. If he messaged your catfish account, trust me he’s messaged 100 other women.
  8. You have the green light to cheat too! Now you can reply to all those DM’s you’ve been ignoring out of respect for your man. You can call your ex boyfriend back who’s been dying to see you again. You can also create a plethora of online dating accounts to see what else is out there. I strongly advise you seek to replace him immediately. Then break up with him by messaging him from your catfish account. He’ll be humiliated! And most importantly, you will get the last laugh. As soon as you realize he’s on the market looking to replace you you should be relieved!
  9. You will see several of your friends, family members and co-workers husbands online. This is depressing. It also creates a dilemma. Should you tell them their husband is online acting single or let them figure it out on their own? Regardless, you get a glimpse of what people are really going through in their relationships despite how hard they try hard to “appear” to be happy. It’s disheartening. Again, if you are an avoidant personality, catfishing may just be too real for you. It takes thick skin to trust and believe what you see without making excuses for them.

Of course, if you are one of those women who profess, “I don’t want to play games.” Go ahead and confront him, ask him if he’s happy… see if you get the truth or a bunch of excuses.

You think just because you are willing to be an adult and “talk” about what’s going on that he is willing to have an honest, mature conversation with you? He’s not like you. Instead of telling you he’s unhappy, he’d rather search for other women online. Moral of the story, you’ll get nowhere if you think catfishing is immature. This is why you keep me in business, endlessly paying for consultations, but you never learn. I hear the same stories from nice girls, over and over again. How they keep getting played!

But you gonna learn… someday! Maybe when your 50 years old and single. Choosing not to play the game is choosing not to date. Perhaps you should become a nun!

Go ahead, create your catfish account today!

Good day!

J. Hihi

Never Date Men In Financial Hardship

Never date men in financial hardship.

Why?

You might be thinking it’s unfair to judge people. You might be thinking that desiring a financially stable man is selfish of you. You may even go as far as labeling yourself a gold digger just because you prefer men who know how to manage a checkbook, have their own home, car, and investments.

Society will make you feel bad for having standards that you require men to meet.

First of all, men who are trying to get their finances in order are not in the position to truly desire a real relationship. Most men who don’t have their lives together are just looking for fun. Sure, they may settle for women who may be less desirable to them in the meantime but as soon as they are able to get out of their financial rut, they will leave you and pursue the women who wouldn’t give them the time of day while he was living in his sister’s basement.

Stop being overly accommodating to men. Stop being so understanding. Men take that for granted. They crave tough love. Give it to them or they will seek it elsewhere.

Of course, there’s the male gold diggers who marry women who sacrifice financially against their better judgement. He uses her until there’s nothing else to take from her, then he finds another sugar momma with a lucrative job and a tendency to feel sorry for grown men.

But wait…

Quality men don’t want women feeling sorry for them. They want to work for a women’s love and prove themselves as worthy providers.

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Men who are in financial hardship actually lose respect for women who accept their mediocre circumstances. He’s not grateful that you lowered your standards to be with him. In fact, he loses respect for you that you didn’t choose better for yourself. He looks at you as if you are desperate and you’ll accept anything.

When a man loses respect for you, his attraction for you wanes. Respect will always trump love. Sure, he will play the part that he’s mystified by your beauty and kindness for accepting his circumstances so that he can extract sex and 50/50 dates with you.

However, in the end, you get left. He wants the women that has high standards and the backbone not to settle for him. It motivates him to work harder and be better… a women’s resistance of a man is his best motivator. Accepting him with all his flaws lessens his motivation to change and improve his life. Don’t accept his financial issues. Instead, tell him when he gets his own place and his finances together to contact you. And trust me, your rejection will motivate him to fix his finances and he will reach out once he’s back on his feet. If you accept him as he is, you represent complacency, not growth. Men want progression and forward movement.

Never think being nice will keep a man. The nicer you are the more you’ll be taken for granted. It’s not normal to be nice all the time and it’s definitely not being authentic… 

Lowering your standards lowers your value. Do yourself a favor and don’t do a man any favors by accepting less than what you deserve.  Trust me when I tell you he won’t appreciate love out of pity. Eventually he will effortlessly discard it. Be a goal he has to reach, not the “In the meantime” chick!

Sincerely,

J. Hihi

 

People With Low Self-Esteem Have the Biggest Egos

Individuals with low self-esteem have the biggest egos. In fact, they live their lives by their ego and anyone who pricks at their fragile sense of self becomes an imminent enemy. A miniscule slight to their ego is unforgivable. These people indulge in back to back relationships to experience the honeymoon phase and as soon as the relationship encounters obstacles, they run for the hills.

Since they are ego driven they lack the ability resolve issues effectively. Instead of washing dirty laundry they throw the dirty clothes away and buy new clothes. The ego is always combative, defensive and hurt. It’s a victim. It knows no other way to exist.

Many people believe individuals with big egos are overly confident. That’s not the case at all! People with low self-esteem guard their egos with their life. Anyone who criticizes them, disagrees with their opinion or uses humor at their expense will hurt them deeply.

This is why victims of narcissistic abuse take abuse so profoundly. It’s difficult for them to move on because they cling to a sense of victimhood that validates their low self worth. Before they entered the relationships with the narcissist they had no true sense of self. Ego possesses individuals who lack a sense of self. A house with a bad foundation clings on to outside sources of security until it collapses. A home with a damaged foundation has no value. It’s sold cheaply and is treated as a project rather than a valued home. It’s a fixer upper and is treated as such!

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The narcissist is like a real estate inspector. He can see a weak foundation from a mile away. He love bombs the individual, plays to their ego and wins their heart with minimal effort. Instead of fixing up the home they buy, they completely destroy it and use the land to build a different house.

The narcissist isn’t the problem because an individual with a true sense don’t take how others treat them as a measure of their self worth. The perpetual victim of narcissistic abuse is the problem. Continually allowing abuse is a choice, not a spell the narcissist puts their victim under. Fix your own foundation. Develop an authentic sense of self. Your appraisal will go up and narcissist will be unable to afford to buy you.

What’s your value?

Do you have a strong sense of self?

Are you living through your ego or by your values and morals? 

Tough love is the best love.

Sincerely,

J. Hihi

Attack People Who Attack Your Boundaries

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Boundary violations are deal breakers. My survivors of Narcissistic Abuse know this all too well.

In many of my advice articles, I emphasize the importance of communicating boundaries to our significant others. The willingness to walk away if there is no compromise regarding a boundary violation is the only way to avoid narcissist and toxic relationships in general.

What you want is important. If it is disregarded, dismissed or ignored by your spouse… that behavior is unacceptable and subject to consequences.

When what you want is reasonable yet still ignored and you feel yourself being subtly subjected to the selfish agenda of others. Withdrawal!

Be willing to walk away IMMEDIATELY at the first sign of blatant disregard of your needs or when you partner displays disrespectful behavior. Walk away!

People will argue with you and assume you don’t have the strength to stay and work through things. Unfortunately, those same people who say stick it out, love is worth it in the end usually are very unhappy and unfulfilled in their relationship. Typically those relationships end in divorce. Asserting your needs without apology is actually what will sustain a relationship. Being quiet and just taking it, never, ever works!

Teach people how to treat you. Take no shit, but do no harm.

I hope this short article can give strength to those in need of standing their ground and asserting the importance of their needs being met with the conviction!

J. Hihi

 

Helping Versus Enabling: Knowing the Difference to Avoid Being Used by Others.

No wants to be used. It’s an awful feeling that can trigger thoughts of unworthiness and low self-esteem.

I get this question often from my followers, “Did he/she really love me or was he just using me for XY and Z?” 

Giving without boundaries almost always creates a situation that invites leeches and psychic vampires into our lives.

Psychic vampires are not creatures from the other side hunting humanity in search of blood for survival.

Instead, psychic vampires are ordinary people who suck the life right out of you. Either they overburden others with their victim mentality by sharing sob stories seeking pity for validation. Or worse, they seek out others only to use them for their resources.

#1 Sign an Individual is a Psychic Vampire

A sure sign an individual you may be dealing with is a psychic vampire is that they have absolutely nothing to offer you but their so-called feelings. In dating situations, beware of anyone who can’t bring anything to the table but their heart.

Unfortunately, the number one reason for divorce is financial issues. Feelings are not currency and therefore bills can’t be paid on feelings alone. Relationships that are solely based on feelings usually end bitterly. Morals, values, political affiliations and yes, “Finances” pay a big role in determining the success of a relationship.

Love and feelings only makes up about 25% of relationships sustainability because feelings and emotions fluctuate. Common morals and values is the glue that keeps couples together when feelings inevitably alternate from high to low.

A leech will always suggest that your resources are used for their benefit because perhaps they are not as well off. However, the difference between a person who is not well off and a person who makes horrible financial decisions is huge.

Low income people living within their means won’t be as irresponsible. Leeches and psychic vampires are fiscally irresponsible because they are internal self proclaimed victims who seek out saviors to help them out of there dire situations.

A stay at home wife who takes pride in caring for her children, her home and the family well being is not a leech. Although her contribution is intangible, it is equally as substantial as her husbands who works to provide for the family financially. Relationships are comprised of give and take. Not just take, take, take!

They always need “Your” help. Whether it’s financing a car, buying a house, etc., However, all they can give in return is the three words, “I love you!.” If you couldn’t “help” them they wouldn’t love you. Period.

For example, they don’t have a house so they have to come to your house all the time, use all your necessities and eat all your groceries. They don’t have a car so you always need to pick them up and drop them off. They jokingly tell you what size shoe they wear as if you’ll run to the mall to buy them a pair. You cook really well so there’s no need in ever going out to eat! They offer their company and nothing else! Even worse, they have no plans to improve their lives and become financially independent.

The Ultimate Test to Determine if Someone is a Leech

Call their bluff and use reverse psychology. Tell them “I love you too! I can’t help you financially but I can give you my heart.” Offer to show them how to save money and fix their credit to buy their own house or car. Without a doubt, they will be out of your life quicker than you can blink.

Psychic vampires seek out lonely people who crave companionship over anything else. People are desperate for friendships and relationships who willingly overextend themselves to help grown men and women are prime targets for leeches.

Helping Versus Enabling

There is nothing wrong with helping people. However, we need to define what helping another grown-up means. Helping someone is not doing something for them. Helping an adult is showing them by example how to be successful and pointing them to the right resources to assist them in their endeavors.

How are we truly helping them by doing for them what we can teach them how to do for themselves?

Enabling a leech is giving up your time, energy and resources without teaching them the “how to do it themselves” methods or demanding a return on your investment. There is no reciprocity. The underlying issues which made the individual a leech in the first place remain unresolved and their bad habits are continued.

Regardless if it’s someone your dating, your child, a sibling, coworker or friend, help them help themselves, so they can grow and never need to ask for help again.

Sincerely yours,

Author J. Hihi